Other bloggers mentioned how difficult it was to take vacations or even visit family in abusive churches. My experience, especially when I was in the Navy, wasn’t any different.
For those unfamiliar, the military offers 30 days paid leave per year. Compared to civilian employment, it’s a sweet deal. The church I attended saw this as a golden opportunity to use its military parishioners as “free labor.” The leadership would exhort us to place the needs of the ministry first when it came to taking leave. In fact, we were told that if we spent two or more weeks away from the church on leave we were in danger of backsliding and we weren’t placing God first.
Special emphasis was placed on the Christmas holidays. We were encouraged to wait until the second leave period (usually December 30-January 15) to go visit family. The first leave period (December 15-30) was meant to “be available” for service members who “weren’t able to go home for the holidays.” While this by itself was a noble gesture, and even an effective outreach, forcing parishioners (in particular the single men) to sacrifice time with loved ones was a wrong approach.
For most of my 16 years in that church, I sacrificed my Christmas leave to participate in the activities and give visiting sailors and other service members a place to get away from the base. I only went home for Christmas twice when I was in the church; one such time was in 1991 when my brother, who was in the Air Force, had returned from a tour overseas and was visiting my parents and other brother in West Virginia. It was a strain on my family because they would have loved to have me home to visit more often.
Indeed, I spent a lot of leave time puttering around the church instead of visiting my family and even traveling and enjoy some personal time. Looking back, was I truly sacrificing my vacation to fulfill the gospel or was I simply another pack mule for the leadership? It’s painful to realize I was duped. If Jesus is truly the same yesterday, today, and forever, wouldn’t He be the same in a small town in West Virginia as in a church in Norfolk, Virginia?
When I left that church, I had two years left in my naval career. My departure occurred at the same time I transferred from a ship to my final shore duty station. Unlike previous leave periods, I took a long trip home. It was a good visit as I got to share with my parents that I finally broke free of that church and was trying to make sense of everything. I spent the remainder of my leave at my place, just chilling out and relaxing, even going to the beach. It was a big adjustment, being in charge of my own vacation time instead of being told how to spend it.
God still is first in my life, but now I realize family is very important. No organization should ever force its members to diminish the importance of family.
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