Year: 2017

­I’ve been out of the Bible-based high-control group for 5 years, but still can’t read the Bible. Other than random verses I see online daily. I talk (mutter) to God daily, and think about Him a lot throughout each day, and desire intimacy with Him, and worship Him daily, and want nothing more than to experience more of His love and presence. But I am paralyzed when it comes to His Word.

To a Christian who hasn’t been severely spiritually abused this might sound crazy and garner the “well, you can’t be a real Christian then” response. But to someone who has been through something similar to what I have, they will probably  understand that the Bible can trigger our PTSD. The Bible was misinterpreted, and used as a weapon. Used to make us miserable. Used to create deep fear, shame, guilt. Scriptures forced down our throat daily. Not to mention that the only translation we were allowed to read was the version translated by the sect founder! (Alarm bells ringing.)

The Bible was used to create such deep pain that I was depressed from age 7. Scriptures were taken out of context constantly. We couldn’t socialize with anyone “outside” the sect because of some obscure passage in Timothy. We couldn’t wear pants because of some Old Testament scripture where the verse next to it talks about not wearing clothing of mixed fibers. (I remember telling my Dad, post-sect, that I would remove my jeans – and change into a skirt – before leaving the house if he would remove his sweater of mixed fibers!)

I know that the Bible is a love letter from God to His earthly creation (I have done a lot of research on its legitimacy). But my body and mind still react in fear when I see all-too-familiar verses. After I had been “out” for about 3 years I was determined to read the Bible like a good little girl and so I printed the Bible out on A4 pages so that I would not be triggered as much because it wouldn’t look like a bound book. I still went into cognitive-mode (as opposed to heart-mode) and numbness. And I read it like a text book, with no feeling. I was still in have-to mode.

Very recently I decided to listen to the audio Bible so that I wouldn’t be triggered by reading. This was my second attempt at overcoming my fears, indifference, and disinterest. It was better than the first attempt. I felt like my heart was engaged and I was actually interested in the scriptures for the first time. However, I listened to the audio Bible once, then not again for the last 4 weeks. So, there is still a blockage.

I have asked God to remove the blockage. That the scriptures will be brand new to me, as if I have never seen them before. I am actually jealous of atheists, Muslims, etc who convert to Christianity and read the Bible for the first time. I’d love for the Bible to have no trauma associated with it. No baggage. No fear. The audio Bble I listened to was The Message translation. I chose that translation because I wanted the scriptures to sound very different from what I was used to so that they wouldn’t trigger PTSD. It helped a lot. Most of the verses sounded very different from the translation I was raised with (which was similar to KJV).

It’s still a journey to disconnect from the past. Our body and mind remembers. I have a measure of peace that God understands (although I do have the odd day where I think I’m not saved because I have indifference towards the Bible. My scrupulosity kicks in.) I crave connection with Him. And I am angry that the Bible has been damaged for me. It will pass as more healing comes. God works healing miracles every day.

I tend to stay away from Christian circles because I feel guilty –  the vast majority of Christians don’t understand my predicament and look in horror if I mention that I don’t want to read the Bible. It’s too difficult to explain. I rest in the fact that true love comes from overflow, not obligation. The Father wants children, not slaves.

(This was difficult to write, and to post, because I am ashamed and feel that I will be judged. Especially as most ex-cultists seem to have no problem reading the Bible. But hopefully this helps someone know that they are not alone.)

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Pants for women has become a laughable argument in Pentecost.

The argument at my former church was that tights were fine because they had feet, so they resembled hose. Hose were not pants, and hose were for women, so tights were OK (at least in modest colors).

However, then came leggings and capri tights. Leggings and capri tights were NOT OK, even when worn under skirts, even when made out of the same material – or even a bit thicker material – than tights. Leggings and capri tights didn’t have feet in them, therefore they were not like hose, they were pants. Pants were for men, so leggings and capri tights were not OK.

BUT… Long johns were a type of underwear and didn’t show, so even though they didn’t have feet, they were OK, even though they were made just like leggings.

Leggings looked just like tights when worn with boots, but leggings were still wrong, even under a long skirt. (But tights were OK.)

Pajamas were not OK, with or without feet, because pajamas were pants and pants were for men.

Judge, ye. Pants or not pants?

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I’ve been reorganizing. As I did, I came across a good-bye letter from me to the pastor from March 2008. I didn’t actually leave until December 2009. I don’t remember what prompted me to write the letter; I’m fairly certain it had to do with two younger women falsely accusing me of some really weird things–so weird that when he started rebuking me I had no idea who even could have come up with such ludicrous statements. I’m pretty sure from the way the letter is worded that I figured I’d be kicked out, not that I was planning to just walk out. I also know that I should have left even before that.

Reading the note – a note that was mainly thanks and praise of them for all the “good things” like outreach and being used so much and being “allowed” to help – brought back a lot of memories. Memories of such fear and anxiety that I would physically start shaking so hard I could barely stand if I so much as got a text from the pastor or his wife. Memories of my stomach in knots and me afraid to run to the bathroom because he’d be angrier if he’d called me to stand in his two hour after service line of people he wanted to talk to or who wanted to talk to him and stuck his head out and saw that I wasn’t there, or saw me leave service for any reason, or… Afraid to go to the church for anything, never knowing when I’d get ‘called in’ or what I’d be in trouble for next, and afraid not to go because missing anything meant a step toward hell, no matter what the reason for missing.

People who left had things said. They were garbage, trash. They weren’t worth talking to and couldn’t be trusted. Listening to them or spending any time with them was risking your own soul, because as the pastor said, “be careful who you fellowship!” If you associated with them, you were probably one of them. And if you were one of them, you were backslid, too, and had left God and fallen away ‘like a dog returned to his vomit.’

And so I was afraid to leave, but I was afraid to stay. I realize now that the pastor was exerting a tremendous amount of control with his after service lines that you had to stay in until 1:00 am if he told you to be there, even on a work night, and his rebukes based on false accusations — rebukes without giving the accused an opportunity to explain, harsh rebukes that didn’t even have to do with the original accusations in many cases, rebukes in which the condemned weren’t to say anything or they’d be talking back to the man of God, which was simply not done. I realized even then that the amount of terror that I was feeling and the physical toll it was taking were harmful. I’d been warned by doctors that stress was elevating bad things and manifesting physically. I didn’t know at the time how close I may have been to an emotional breakdown.

Leaving was costly. Staying was costlier. I stayed because I believed in God. I stayed until I barely had any faith left. They taught that those who left also left God, but I would have struggled less with faith in God if I’d abandoned faith in them a little sooner, before they’d entwined ideas of God with their sickness quite so much. I was afraid to leave, and after I wrote the letter I found tonight, it would still be another 21 months before I left. People there at the time may have wondered why I left. I look back, eight years later, and wonder why I ever stayed as long as I did. If I’d know then what I know now, I’m not sure if I’d have been more or less afraid of leaving. But looking back now, my regret is that I ever went there to start with… and that I didn’t leave sooner.

*Fear and anxiety like I describe here, and the kind of control I experienced should never be a part of any ‘church’. If you are in an organization and you are afraid to leave but afraid to stay, seek outside help. And somehow, leave. God will be on the other side of that door, no matter what they say.

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I have a coworker who is an atheist. I’ve known that or at least had a strong suspicion of it for awhile now. She’s looking for a new house and was asking today about different areas I was familiar with.

It’s sad how many of the things she deals with are similar to those I deal with:

• she doesn’t want to live in certain areas because others won’t accept her or her family
• her son just needed the signature of a religious leader for a certain recognition which of course she couldn’t get in a traditional sense
• she is limited in where she can search for a home because certain areas will not welcome her family unless they are born there or are very close to the community…

And a couple are opposite of what I’m used to but so very similar as well:

• she’s looked down on by her ‘highly educated’, atheistic extended family for associating with people with different views on religion and politics than she has, while I was told too many times not to associate with people who weren’t Christian (or weren’t a certain type of Christian) unless I was trying to convert them,
• she is very cautious about admitting she’s an atheist… She said she and her husband were nondenominational and when I raised my eyebrows she ducked down and whispered, “sort of… more atheist — well, agnostic, no actually atheist but we don’t say that…” I’m cautious about discussing Christianity because I am concerned that most people I know in person would be resistant to my thoughts on some things.

It was interesting to hear her observations. It was also interesting that she was actually interested in knowing there are groups out there who consider themselves Christians but do not view the Bible as completely literal and see many of the Old Testament stories as stories, some taken from other cultures, many that should be studied today with the intent of seeing the Israelites’ development of their concept of God. Mostly it was just weird to see how much the person who’s never really been to church has in common with the one who spent hours upon hours there. I’m a believer, she is not. I don’t have a problem with faith, she resists it. It isn’t my belief in God that separates me from other Christians, but my lack of trust in those who call themselves Christians and my willingness to listen to and even accept a variety of ideas. We have those things in common.

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O house of Jacob, come and let us walk In the light of the LORD. Isaiah‬ ‭2:5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about why we were all subjected to spiritual abuse. Why did it happen to me when I so much wanted to be saved and serve the Lord. The same wish I think all of us had which is probably why we were an easy mark for the United Pentecostal Church cult.

But even with all their erroneous teaching and rules and regulations it didn’t stop us from continuing our search for truth. We were still in darkness and looking to walk freely in His marvelous light.

I wanted to be like Isaiah and “walk in the light of the Lord.” I wanted to see and learn about God myself. I had all the questions but couldn’t get any straight answers. Could it be the ministry didn’t know the answers? Was it because they were still in darkness themselves? How can you shed light on something while you are sitting in darkness? “Therefore take heed that the light which is in you is not darkness.” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭11:35‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

For with their belief in a works based salvation and a heavy yoke of bondage that kept us in darkness, had they forgotten it was God who made the light? “Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.” Genesis‬ ‭1:3-4 NKJV‬‬

God never wanted his people to sit in darkness. “For it is God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” II Corinthians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

We were always intended to walk in light and not be in darkness. It is still God’s will for us to be full of light. “The people who walked in darkness Have seen a great light; Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, Upon them a light has shined.” Isaiah‬ ‭9:2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Now I’ve always been told that December 25 is not Jesus’ real birthday, and that may be so, but the Winter Solstice begins December 21 and this is the darkest time of the year, a week of the longest and darkest nights. It’s the perfect time of the year for the Light of the World to be born. When Jesus was born, the heavens lit up with the light of angels. “And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying: “Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭2:13-14 NKJV

The Wise Men also followed a sign, a brightly lit star. “…behold, the star which they had seen in the East went before them, till it came and stood over where the young Child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceedingly great joy.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭2:2, 9-10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Thirty years later, Jesus spoke to his disciples saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” John 8:12 NKJV

Coincidence? Maybe. But one thing I’ve learned there are no accidents with God, he plans everything in fine detail. Right down to our salvation. Which for some of us had to have the light of God’s word shine out to us and show us the way out of darkness. “Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.” Psalms‬ ‭119:105‬ ‭

Yes it was hard, hurtful and full of pain and confusion while we’re caught up in the darkness of erroneous teaching and trying to find salvation because we were eager to be saved but God saw our struggles and said “Let there be light.” And we followed His light out of the darkness. “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.” Ephesians‬ ‭5:8‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

In reading and sharing my own experiences I realized that I was still letting myself be trapped in the darkness of the past and it was time for me to be a daughter of light. No more hiding behind the hurt of the past but letting my little light shine for the glory of God and to finally know the light of his love and grace.

If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, the whole body will be full of light, as when the bright shining of a lamp gives you light. ‭‭Luke‬ ‭11:36‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

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