Month: April 2017 | Page 4 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

PTCS -Post Traumatic Church Syndrome

It is not important what is in front of you, or behind you. It is what is inside of you that counts.

I read these “words of wisdom” on Facebook today and thought it was good advice except when you suffer from periods of PTSD, or as I call it PTCS (Post Traumatic Church Syndrome) it is still important to know what’s in front and what’s behind because it changed what’s inside me.

According to Wikipedia, PTSD is known as an anxiety disorder and can affect anyone who has seen or experienced a traumatic event. The common causes of PTSD include war, rape, terrorism, physical assault, and any threat of death or serious injury.

The Wikipedia definition for PTSD didn’t list trauma experienced from association with an unhealthy church. There are quite a few of us who suffer from several church related traumas, especially those who have left the United Pentecostal Church or other legalistic churches. I’ve heard, read and experienced many traumas from unhealthy churches and know the anxiety actually exists.

I found a book while surfing the internet one night titled, “Post Traumatic Church Syndrome Memoirs and Healing” written by Reba Riley and it caught my attention, why wouldn’t it?

Inside the pages she explained while Post Traumatic Church Syndrome is not actually a real sickness that is recognized by the mental health society, it still exists and the pain and grief are very real.

It is very hard to imagine that a church you go to for help can turn on you and drop you like a hot potato, but it’s true. We are all walking wounded and we’ve been hurt from the very church we sought out for help and salvation. These wounds create an emotional barrier for us to attend church, create barriers for us to connect with God, and create barriers for us to develop relationships with other followers of Jesus.

These barriers are not evidence of anything that was wrong with us, but are evidence of wrongs that have been done to us. There is nothing wrong with us as we were made to think, we just had inquisitive minds who questioned things… and that is frowned upon in many legalistic churches.

PTCS runs deep and it hurts because we feel like we’ve lost our identity. I believe Paul said it best in Romans 7:5-6, “For when we were in the flesh, the sinful passions which were aroused by the law (legalism) were at work in our members to bear fruit to death. But now we have been delivered from the law (legalism), having died to what we were held by, so that we should serve in the newness of the Spirit and not in the oldness of the letter.” When we wanted to be “good,” when we wanted to do the right thing and when we deeply wanted to be a follower of Jesus, and the pastor and/or another member tries to tell us that we’re not very good at it, it messes with our mind and soul.

But when I had enough trauma, I walked away. As a matter of fact, I was so discouraged, depressed, and hurt, I literally ran away. I know it appeared to many that I ran away from God and I often heard comments and read posts on Facebook about how I had backslid and I was a former pastor’s wife and should be “set” right. But that wasn’t my case at all…I simply ran away from the United Pentecostal Church, and everything that was associated with the people who hurt me. As I started working through my PTCS, I realized how resentful and even hostile towards anything “churchy” I’d become, but deep in my heart I still wanted to know God and I wanted a close walk with Him. I wanted something deeper and more meaningful.

It’s taken me several years to come to grips with my PTCS but I was able to receive help through programs offered in my new church. Programs like Cleansing Streams and Celebrate Recovery which enable you to receive help and healing from hurts, habits and hangups.

No, it wasn’t easy to do and I’m not completely healed but my anxiety level is the lowest it’s been for many years. My anxiety medicine is only taken “as needed” and I haven’t needed it for several weeks. So I end with this, if it’s still important to know what’s in front and what’s behind because it changed what’s inside, then it may be time to find a church that offers programs that will help you heal. Those churches are the ones that care about you and want to help you. We shouldn’t have to carry the hurts from the past and let them hinder our growth for a future.

Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Being church

I came to visit, fairly shaken by the things I’ve seen, heard, and experienced that call themselves Christian in America today. I was spiritually, emotionally tired of all of it, and just about ready to walk away in disgust, not from God, but definitely from everything that called itself ‘of God’ in my society. And then I walked through your doors and into your life.

You know that story about the new pastor who dressed as a beggar, walked in, and was shunned? Yeah, I know the feeling. I saw eyes avert and people walk away. I notice when no one says good morning. You say every Christian should go to church, but I haven’t found much Christianity within churches. Do you realize it would be easier to come if someone acted like they cared that I was there? Someone besides the one asking for or receiving (or being paid by the funds of) the offering? Do you know that I have a pretty good memory… and when you tell me that you treat visitors and attenders pretty much the same but then ignore my questions, or tell me that you address a certain question I ask in your small groups (which emailed you asking to join and never heard back from you on)… or worse, let me know that you really focus on members, not the rest of us, when I do ask questions… that I remember your first response and count that as a sign of untrustworthiness?

Do you realize that those rare times when you take the time to hear me, when you answer a question or even just say hello because you mean it, I see that too? Do you know that if you’d love me you might find a great deal to love about me, that if you’d put into me some of what you expect out of me–if you’d give me some of your time, some care and compassion and understanding, you might get the same?

You might. I could be mistaken, but I believe you are supposed to reach out to the world, not expect the world to come knocking at your door. I believe the intent is that you love one another and all the rest of us too.

It’s a little strange. The things that have impacted me most over the years have been a simple chaplain’s prayer, a pastor who was willing to change a tire, and a friend’s happiness that I came. Nothing major, and no program. Those things cost nothing, but they meant everything. I was in an office, in a parking lot, at a restaurant, in a home. There were no steeples, no mics, no bulletins, no bibles. And yet at those times I experienced true church.

How Long Is Your Skirt? (Er, How Holy Are You?) Pt. 2

In response to my last blog, the SpiritualAbuse.org Facebook Page received a large number of comments. Thanks to everyone who viewed the blog and left a comment. Some were nice, some disagreed with my view, but were still respectful, and some were a bit nasty.

I don’t see the value of rude behavior in an attempt to prove tradition as biblical truth, but some go for it, anyway. Regardless of one’s position on the issue, one can disqualify his point by being a nasty person. Please remember that when commenting on Facebook.

Moving forward…

On the Facebook Page, one lady posted this picture as a response to my last blog post:

It is supposed to illustrate the transforming effect of a woman who reads the Bible. Do you notice how the picture only examines the outside dress of the woman? It doesn’t make one mention of the heart! I state this because outside appearance is how too many people define modesty and holiness. This picture, used in Apostolic circles, reinforces that false notion. (BTW: There is no scripture posted with the picture that states a woman should always wear skirts. )

Reading and applying the Bible can transform an individual’s life. But, if you end up in a church telling you how to dress, then you’ve walked into something that is taking advantage of the transforming power of Grace. This is something cults do. It’s common for cultic teaching to take an ounce of truth, and then spin it into a pound of errors.

This picture does exactly that; it deals in extremes. If the Holy Spirit actually leads a woman to wear a dress, that is fine, but that still does not make it a biblical truth for all other women. In that instance, it is a personal conviction – nothing more. The Spirit leading a person in this direction does not automatically make it a universal rule for all women to follow.

When a personal conviction is taught in such a way that everyone must submit to it, this becomes an instance in which a truth has been twisted into a lie.

If you are in a culture which teaches that modesty for women IS wearing skirts, it’s more probable that peer pressure is directing you to do likewise, not the Holy Spirit.

Like I mentioned on my last blog post, this teaching is from man. It’s a man-made tradition. There is no scripture that states a woman has to wear skirts to be modest.

In one response, a lady questioned if all United Pentecostal churches taught this doctrine. I replied that I was a licensed preacher in the UPCI for several years. I traveled, I evangelized, and I got to know a lot of pastors in that organization. I will agree with you when you say that “not all apostolic churches make their members wear skirts,” but, I still stand by the fact that the majority teaches and believes it as being “truth.”

Here’s why – when an individual wants to become a licensed preacher in the UPCI, he or she has to sign a document which basically says one has to teach and believe in that doctrine. If one does not sign the document, a license will not be received.

Personally, I have known some ministers who signed the document, yet didn’t push the ‘standards’ issue. I also know about the kind of pressure and abuse they have received from the majority within the organization. Then, there is also the fact that they signed, and agreed, that they WOULD teach that doctrine. If you don’t agree to teach it, you won’t receive the license.

This is one reason why I gave up my license. I couldn’t lie. I could not tell them that I would teach their doctrines, and then turn around and teach something else.

The organizational teaching is that women have to wear skirts. They say it’s the “truth,” and in reality, it isn’t.

The Bible does teach to dress modestly. I believe that goes for both men and women. I also believe that some have taken advantage of that teaching, and have defined it as something it’s not.

Because of this post, I’ve asked people to give me one scripture that says a woman has to wear a dress. Instead of getting a scripture, I received in response, a lot of hate, mockery, and side-stepping of the question. Why did I get that? Because the teaching is not biblical—and a lot of people are enslaved to the lie.

A blessing or a curse?

In our former churches we may have been led to believe that blessings were certain things–we might be blessed with health, finances, spouses, kids, or certain talents, for instance. What ways have you been blessed that may not have seemed like blessings at the time? Were you ever told you were NOT blessed in some way that actually for you was a blessing?

I think the primary blessing I received is probably the hardest–I had to leave my former church. Everyone, including me, thought leaving was the ultimate “bad” thing in life. But today I realize that this was the greatest blessing I could have received. It wasn’t fun… it was one of the hardest things I have ever done and that decision and the fall out from it continues to impact my life. Still, I am so thankful that I left when I did, and that I got out before the arrest of another member that later took place.

I’ve also laughed at things people told me were blessings–I was “blessed” with great jobs… no one knew I was making not much over minimum wage even with a college degree. They only saw the outside. They didn’t realize I ate so much pasta (it was cheap) that I still 20 years later can’t stand the thought of making it most of the time. Also, some said I wasn’t blessed like they were because I didn’t have a husband or kids… it sounded as though they were blaming me or looking down on me. At the same time I looked at what I could see of their lives and wondered at how they could even make it through another day with all the trials they seemed to have. We all deal with things differently. Comparing ourselves among ourselves isn’t wise.

The push to see blessings and cursings has disturbed me. What looks like a blessing from the outside may be a daily struggle for the person living it, and what may look like a curse may be a blessing in disguise. So to label something one way or the other might sometimes create a lot of heartache where there could be joy. Because you never know… and even the things that we see as bad could turn into blessings just because God can still create something out of nothing.

Jewelry Questions

The teaching on jewelry can vary from church to church or area to area in some religious organizations. In my former church, wedding rings were fine, but in some of our other churches they taught you’d go to hell if you wore one. My church didn’t teach against things like tie tacks or cuff links, though some do, and a few members of our church got caught up in that and left. Jewelry that was not OK where I attended were necklaces, earrings, bracelets, and such.

What did your church allow or disallow? Were you taught you’d be lost should you wear any jewelry? Were you shunned or considered backslid? I vividly recall one United Pentecostal Church General Conference where a minister got up and spoke against the evils of wearing a wedding ring. James Kilgore, then the assistant superintendent, went up afterward and let it be known that everyone did not believe the same on that issue.

In the Bible, wearing jewelry is not mentioned as being sinful. Ezekiel 16, in speaking of Jerusalem, God shares how he decked her with gold and silver bracelets, neck chains, forehead jewels, and earrings. In Exodus 11 God instructs Moses to tell the people to ‘borrow’ jewels of silver and gold from the Egyptians. They did this when they left the country and does anyone really think that no one wore any? Later in Exodus 35, it shows the people giving bracelets, earrings, rings and other jewelry to be used toward building the tabernacle. If God doesn’t want believers to wear jewelry, wouldn’t God be sending very mixed signals by these examples? Stop and really think this teaching through.

What scriptures did you hear used to support the teaching that Christians are not supposed to wear jewelry? Did you later see they were taken out of context? And if these standards are really God’s rules, why do they change from church to church or area to area?

If God has not commanded believers to refrain from wearing jewelry, we need not follow man’s teachings on the subject. It doesn’t matter how many ministers and pastors shout it from a pulpit, it doesn’t change the truth of what is seen in our Bibles.