I remember the first time I heard the word empathy, which is odd, because as a social worker, I hear it almost daily. But, having been raised in a very guarded religious environment, I had a large vocabulary that included words like sympathy and pathetic, but not empathy. So, what is the difference between sympathy and empathy? The very best way I know to help you understand that is to send you to Brene Brown’s Youtube video, which you can find at this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
To put it in my own words, sympathy is when I acknowledge that another person is going through a difficult experience. Empathy, however, is when I’m able to actually feel those negative emotions that they are feeling, even to a lesser degree. Empathy is getting in the rain with them and getting a little wet when it is raining in their lives, even though the sun is shining in mine. It’s being able to put my feet in their shoes for a moment, even when that means the rocks might cut my feet through those holes in the soles.
Although being a social worker actually requires an element of being able to be empathetic with one’s clients in order to properly serve them, I find that I sometimes have too much empathy–as if there is such a thing. Some days there are just too many emotions that swirl around me, like waves on a turbulent sea, and I am drowning in them by the end of the day. Some people call this ability to feel so keenly the feelings of others “being an Empath”. Others find it a really healthy way to be able to connect with others and be present in their lives for healing. When the overwhelming days come, the professional terminology is that I am experiencing “vicarious trauma”. The remedy for that is to pay attention to my emotions, provide myself with self-care activities, and take it easy until my emotional equilibrium returns to a balanced state.
Interestingly, a person who is unable to feel or express empathy for others is considered a sociopath or psychopath. Feeling empathy for others is a very healthy thing, and it is what creates compassion and kindness in the world. Yet many who have been exposed to abuse of any kind for any length of time will form one of two extremes. Either they will lose the ability to empathize with others, or they become overly empathetic with everyone. While the former creates abusers, the latter can lead to being re-victimized. Needless to say, the former is attracted to the latter because an empathetic person is a great target for someone who is manipulative and controlling.
As highly empathetic people, we also have to be aware of this and on our guard more than others, realizing that we attract these types of controlling and harmful individuals just because we are “too kind” or “gentle” to stand up against it when we are being mistreated. It is important that we find the balance in order to stand up and draw the proverbial line in the sand and firmly forbid that those individuals cross that line. Self protection is something we have to learn, and it is best learned within healthy relationships where we are appreciated for our empathy but also respected as individuals with needs and desires of our own.
When I end the day feeling down and depressed about the situations of others around me, I begin to understand that I am taking on burdens I was not meant to carry. When I am feeling the feelings of others so deeply that I cannot focus on my own life and feel the proper emotions for what is going on right in front of me, it is too much. We are meant to be empathetic individuals, but like everything else, in a balanced way. When I find myself drowning in empathy, I will not be able to sleep at night for worrying about the problems of others, or I will be unable to focus on my family at the dinner table due to my concern for the sadness of a client that I saw that morning.
I have to remind myself, and you have to remind yourself, that I am to use my empathy as a tool to provide healing and support for others. My empathy is not to drown me or cause me to become it’s tool. I am an individual person with a life that is colored by love, sadness, happiness, joy, pain and attachment with my own children, and when I am not called upon in a particular moment to be empathetic, I must learn to put aside my empathy for others and focus on my own life and my own emotions. This is part of living in the moment. This is why mindfulness exercises are important for some of us.
