Month: May 2017 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Memories: a volunteer experience at church

The quotes below are from a group of notes I found recently. These are from 2001. I was asked to be part of a committee at church about five months after moving to that church. This regards what participating in that was like.

[Pastor]:

One of the administrative meetings held at [a man’s] house lasted until 1:00 am. This was on the Saturday evening of [a wedding at the church]. I understand that the meeting began late [due to the wedding] (8:00 or 9:00 I think). However, although I was very tired and not feeling well, and though [another woman there] came through she was sick, and though everyone there was… aware of these facts, we were told printing had to be completed, at [the man’s] house, that night. I raised the concern that Sunday morning at 1:00 am is too late at night; the response was that anyone who didn’t feel committed to staying could leave.

There were too many committee meetings that were ‘unofficial’ but nonetheless overwhelming which included admin committee. The response was that undedicated members could have skipped those meetings and that [the leader] couldn’t remember holding those meetings. [Someone else said that, yes, I was at the meetings, and the leader] informed me that if I was, it was without his consent. I was asked to be at that ‘informal’ meeting because I went to [the local university].

This was typical–if you were asked to participate in something you worked no matter what until the leader said you could go. If you left ‘early’ (even if early was 1:00 am), you were considered uncommitted or unfaithful or undedicated. And so we stayed and we worked, even on very short notice.

printing of programs was done Sunday afternoon and began shortly before the evening service. I was at [a friend’s house from church] when [the leader] called them and asked the to meet him at his office to print.

The event was held on the next day. We got everything printed, but we were exhausted. In following years I was told to be on the committee again, and actually traded for second shift for the three months prior to the event to keep from having to be on that committee.

Unhealthy groups are not considerate of people’s time. They expect people to do anything that’s asked of them at any minute, and they use this to their advantage. It’s harder to think through what’s happening and recognize how unhealthy the group is when you’re constantly jumping from task to task as assigned by the leaders and giving numerous hours to the church every week.

Have you experienced this in an unhealthy group? Were you pushed to do more than was healthy for you? Were you physically and/or mentally exhausted trying to ‘live for God’? Were you told you were unfaithful or uncommitted or told you just didn’t love God enough if you asked for a break or said you had already made plans?

Even God rested.

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Getting Out the Newer Books: Wholly Holy: The Vital Role of Visible Devotion

Continuing on the study of the teachings on women’s apparel, I recently received the book Wholly Holy: The Vital Role of Visible Devotion.

Chapter five is called Why God Likes Many Skirts. The author tells the story of a man knowing Morse code and it being a code that not all people know. Concerning the young man who knew Morse code he says “Obviously this young man knew something that the others simply did not know. He had paid very close attention to something all the others had missed.” (pg 96) He then goes on to talk about “modestly dressed and attired women of God” that are inquisitively observed by other people. He then says “A Bible-believing, obedient and godly woman is just simply keenly aware of some very certain, precious and spiritual truths that others are simply not aware of.” (pg 97)

In this, he sets the (probable) skirt wearer up as someone who is special and who knows special truths that others do not. By implication, he asserts that women who do not dress “modestly” (which he has not yet defined), do not have whatever secret knowledge he is referring to. We all want to be special and have secret knowledge, so perhaps the reader sits on the edge of his/her seat, wondering what special secret code he/she may become privy to. He says that the more alert woman is tuned into some very valuable instructions that others have blindly tuned out or ignored and that others perceive certain Bible verses as simply unimportant (pg 97). By this, he makes it clear that only those who interpret these Bible verses a certain way understand the secret code, or have paid attention to certain Bible instructions and all others perceive them as unimportant, which is not true.

He goes on talking about most people owning a Bible but not really taking it seriously (pg 98). He talks again about being keenly aware of divine revelations and says “I am confident that you will gain a fresh and even a new understanding and appreciation for some timeless directives…” (pg 99) thus again setting up the reader to receive what the author perceives to be divine revelation. He set up even more groundwork saying children of God are “commissioned to walk a different path than the rest of the world.” He gets the reader agreeing…yes, we are commissioned to walk a different path…yes, we want divine revelation. Like a salesman getting ready to unveil new product, he talks up the product before he lets you know exactly what he is going to unveil.

“This subject applies only to women who ‘profess godliness.’ It only applies to women who claim a devotion to God.” (pg 98) Do you agree? He asks by implication. Do you profess godliness? Do you claim a devotion to God?

Just when you think he is about to unveil the product he has been selling, he lays even more foundation yet. First he gets you to agree that you want to be devoted and then he sells a bit of fear about rejecting the product. He sells severe judgment for immorality and sin. He talks about God’s people erring (pg 100). He talks about the nation being so low into sinfulness and the prophets failing and the detestable condition they had plummeted to (pg 101). He gets the reader to agree, again, that we do see moral decline, we don’t want to be immoral and sinful. He talks about here a little and there a little and says “only sincerely interested people will find and discover truth” (pg 102).

Can you see the set up? All of this has been said without saying what he is about to say. Apparently the product doesn’t sell itself very well. It seems to need a lot of propping up. There are a lot of products out there that people seek out because they want one. Other products are expensive and hard to sell. In that case, the company usually gets a salesman to tell people why they really want and need this product and why it is so much better than the others. Then, the salesman puts in a little fear about passing up a great offer if you don’t buy now. Often, the buyer regrets his purchase after the salesman leaves and he has had time to do a little more research. Sadly, some people who buy the product don’t like to admit that perhaps they spent more on it than they should have. All in all, very good products don’t need long sales pitches.

So, from pages 95-108, it is all groundwork and sales. Only on page 108 does he finally get into what he is actually going to say. He begins to define modesty. The original word is defined as “orderly, well-arranged, decent, modest, a harmonious arrangement or adornment” (pg 109). Apparently, the author finds this to be insufficient as he goes on to define the definition for us. He says “How can we truly decide and define what modest actually is?” (pg 109). He quotes Isaiah 47:2-3 “Uncover thy locks, make bare the leg, uncover the thigh….thy nakedness shall be uncovered, yea thy shame shall be seen.” The author takes liberty to interpret this passage as “according to God, whenever a woman bares her leg and allows her thighs to be uncovered it is at this point that her shame is being demonstrated” (pg 110). Why doesn’t the author take this to mean a woman shouldn’t uncover her hair or bare her leg, including her ankle? He offers no explanation, he simply says “We’ve covered the word modest” (pg 111).

He goes on concerning the word apparel, “katasole,” and says “it’s the only time it appears in the entire New Testament” (pg 111). “Kata means down” and “the second part of the word describes a long garment, covering or wrapping”….”it specifically describes a very exact and particular type of clothing. It describes a downward hanging, loose garment (a modest skirt or a dress etc.)”….”a modest, decent, downward, hanging, long (not short) appropriate dress or skirt” (pg 112). By his own mouth, he says the word katasole is in the entire New Testament one whole time. Whenever Oneness Pentecostal people are talking about Jesus name baptism they quote 2 Cor 13:1 “In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established” and say a doctrine shouldn’t be established upon one verse. How soon this is forgotten when talking about other subjects.

Deut 22:5 is mentioned (pg 113). The author talks about abominations through page 117 and about the clothing of soldiers and warriors through page 120. He talks about Western culture and that women have historically worn skirts. He says that women dressed the way they did because of the passages he referenced (pg 120). He argues that the culture has changed in the past few decades.

Again, he gets the reader’s agreement with these statements that are factually true and then, rather than asking the reader if they agree with his assessments, definitions and applications of scriptural principles as one Christian to another, he reiterates why his viewpoint is correct. He talks about the “abundance of information that has been presented in this chapter” (pg 121) forgetting to remind the reader that he provided us with Deut 22:5, which doesn’t mention anything about skirts on women, one mention of the word katasole in the New Testament and a verse from the Old Testament on modesty in which he doesn’t explain why he doesn’t believe women should keep their hair and ankles covered. The rest of what he provided is simple support for views and have nothing specifically to do with dress.

He then explains away, not his lack of resources, but that some will say he is being “too technical” (pg 122). He justifies his being “technical” by saying the Bible is like a razor.

In the end he says if you disagree with him, that apparently you don’t believe the Bible is inspired like he does. “If …all of this is too much attention to meaningless technicalities then here’s what may be a major difference between me and you: I believe that every word of the Bible is inspired by God. You perhaps don’t. And I also believe that every word of the Bible was accurately and successfully conveyed by God intently for our admonition and instruction today.” He quotes from the Bible to support his belief that you should interpret the Bible the way he does (pg 123).

He closes out by saying we should live to please “God and His Word” regardless of what the rest of the world does. So, after the long sales pitch, foundation and final unveiling of one actual scripture verse to support his belief that skirts are the only appropriate women’s apparel, if you don’t buy the product, he leaves you to question your Christianity, your beliefs and whether you are actually devoted to God. I’d say let the salesman get out the door and get the pressure off before you buy and see if there isn’t another better product, one that sells itself and doesn’t need long sales pitches and insults hurled at you to get you to buy it. If you still decide you want the product, it will still be there after you have had a chance to really look for yourself.

I have provided photos of pages 111-117. I haven’t provided them all because it is lengthy. Page 111, page 112, page 113, page 114, page 115, page 116, page 117.

(Written for the Facebook group Breaking Out.)

Getting Out the Old Books: The Literal Word by M.D. Treece
Getting Out the Old Books: Guardians of His Glory by Gary & Linda Reed
Getting Out the Old Books: David F. Gray
Getting Out the Old Books: Joy Haney
Getting Out The Old Books: Larry L. Booker
Getting Out the Old Books: Power Before the Throne
Getting Out the Newer Books: Wholly Holy: The Vital Role of Visible Devotion
Search For Truth On Holiness

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Memories: Looking for an apartment

I found a group of decade-old notes recently. The quotes are taken from a note from April 2003.

Dear [pastor’s wife]:

I saw a beautiful house for rent today. It has closets and floor space and cabinets. It has a large tub and blue carpet… it has closet doors that open and shut and built in cabinets… it’s in a beautiful, quiet neighborhood and a place to park in the back. There’s even an entranceway….

Oh, my. It’s the little things, hmmm? I believe this was written at a time when I found myself nearly homeless–I’d been engaged, agreed to sublet the apartment, and due to her situation had invited her to stay with me in the apartment until I got married. Then the engagement was called off by the pastor. She refused to let me stay any additional time to get my feet back under me. The pastor told me to get out. I slept at work one night, and at another church member’s apartment a couple nights.

From another note:

I’ve called every landlord that might be decent, but none have any vacancies… [except one on the wrong side of town in an unsafe area]. Can I rent [that one]? I’d feel more secure in a house on the bad side of town than I would begging church people for a place to spend the night or sleeping on someone’s couch…

I thought that after years of being single that God was finally putting some things together in my life. Then they all fell apart. Was I mistaken? Was He not in it? Did I misunderstand or let my feelings override his direction somehow? …Am I doing something horrible that I’m not aware of that causes me to be punished? Am I reaching for dreams I for some reason have been denied? … Am I a failure? What could I have done that would have made this better? What am I supposed to learn from something like this?

For starters, I was asking permission to get a place to live when I had no place to go. For seconds, the pastor backed the roommate’s right to tell me to leave after he called off my wedding, and I was STILL asking permission. There was no discussion of any consideration or compromise that I know of, and I wouldn’t have considered doing what she did to anyone. Above that, weeks before the wedding the pastor called it off, I was losing my apartment and struggling on my job, and my plans to complete my teaching certificate were crumbling. The questions may sound whiny or bitter now, but at the time those questions were a very real part of my life. Then too, this was three years after having been kicked out of a church. A later note says:

it took me quite a while to realize it, but when I left [the church I got kicked out of], I really battled some things and determined that I WOULD be blessed, and in my mind thought that if I wasn’t that God didn’t love me.

Unfortunately, ‘blessings’ are not always what we think they are. That wedding would have been a fiasco, and within a month or two of this time I had bought my first home (in a good area, with closets and cabinets and a place to park) and the problem at work had resolved itself–even ending in a raise and promotion. Unhealthy churches tend to focus or teach us to label things as black and white, either all good or all bad, blessings or curses. Some, including the one I was in, allude to the idea that if bad things happen they are God’s punishment or the devil fighting us, and lead to the types of questions I asked. They undermine our confidence in ourselves and our trust in God.

Things in life aren’t all good or all bad. There is often a mix of good and bad in any situation, and we can choose to focus on either or both. But the best thing to focus on is that God loves us no matter what is happening in our lives. Unhealthy churches may try to rob us of that, and sometimes succeed. But they can’t change the truth.

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An Email From A United Pentecostal Minister

It is rare that I get negative emails in response to my website. I believe a main reason why I do not is because I try to take care in how I present my writings, do not write with venom, and give plenty of links to UPC and Apostolic material. In fact, present Oneness Pentecostals have at times written articles that they have allowed me to present on the website and even asked me to add an article or video of theirs to the site. Every so often a negative email arrives and one came on Monday from a man who I believe is an ordained minister in the United Pentecostal Church.

But operating a website on spiritual abuse, which has the United Pentecostal Church as its secondary focus, causes some people to hate and pray against me and envision in their minds all manner of negative things about me. It just comes with the territory. I am not intimidated by a minister (or anyone else) and the things which might work in their churches with members (to place fear into them or cause them to get in line or be quiet about something), no longer works on me.

I believe this is the Glenn T. Howard, Jr. who wrote this email. It would appear that this is the article on the website that he read and references. It is the only one I have written that includes a section on David Bernard and I mention nothing personal about him, nor do I “demean his ministry” or consider him a “phony.” I am sharing Howard’s email in its entirety and wish to use it as an example of what happens when a person brings up a problem in an unhealthy church or group. In fact, I have a section about it in the article mentioned. Last year in one of my blog posts, I wrote, “The pastor, who is insecure and feels threatened, decides that there really isn’t anything wrong, that it is simply YOU. You are rebellious, a trouble maker, trying to stir up strife or division, you are unteachable, backslid…. There are a number of possible reasons why YOU have become the problem.”

The above is exactly what this man does in his email. Instead of addressing the elephant in the room, he attempts to place the focus on me. Perhaps I am one of those atheists, trying to “magnify my own ego” since he claims to not know of my beliefs, even though they are clearly posted on the website along with my UPC background. The reasons for the website are also plainly shared. Both sections of the website have been available for many years.

In addition, he was reading the article more than two years after it was originally posted. He missed all of the then transpiring online talk and some false information and misunderstandings that were spread. That is part of the reason for the “volume of minutae” it contains as it was edited on an almost daily basis at the time. There were several different issues that came into play.

In addition, if I didn’t share things to back what I was writing, my claims would be called into question and dismissed. Clarifications were being made, UPC related material disappeared from online, and incorrect information was continuing to be shared by UPC ministers and members of the organization. Many had questions about what was happening and I did my best to find answers and pull it all together. It started mainly as an article on Lee Stoneking and his speech at the United Nations and then also grew into a focus on UPC minister Art Wilson and his ministry there, along with conflicting reports and statistics given by various licensed UPC ministers.

Consider what Glenn T. Howard, Jr. does and does not do in this email. He never addresses any of the problems or conflicting statements mentioned in the article, but focuses on me and my motives. He makes me the problem. Note how that the only possible motivations he considered for me were all negative. Bad, bad, Lois! How dare I write any article on Lee Stoneking or mention inconsistencies or untruths. Though some were giving false information and distorting what happened, I am the problem and my motives must be considered wrong.

He doesn’t address things that have been shared by UPC ministers that have been proven to be untrue. Is it OK for them to give false information or claims and should they never be called out for such things? Why is calling them out on these things considered to be demeaning them? I didn’t say or write them; they did. Yet I am compared with an atheist having a wrong motivation simply because I wrote about these things.

Is sweeping it all under the rug what should be done; should the elephant in the room never be acknowledged or mentioned? Is it only doctrine that should be discussed? If a minister tells an untrue story or misrepresents facts, should such things be allowed or ignored because they have a “ministry?” Why is it that when such things are pointed out, the one doing so gets accused of saying or thinking things about people which they never did? At least in this communication I wasn’t threatened with hell.

Here the email in its entirety:

Having reviewed your lengthy blog concerning Lee Stoneking/David Bernard/UPCI in general, I must confess that while disagreement on a number of issues embraced by the UPCI et al is not uncommon, I fail to see why such a volume of minutae is a deemed necessary to disprove that with which we disagree.

In the long run, what difference does it make? Are your writings designed to be a kind of rescue operation to get people out of the clutches of a major Pentecostal “cult”? I note too, that for some reason many atheists feel this deep seated need to broadcast their opposition to God in general and Christianity in particular, even to the point of intense ridicule. Surely there can be no doubt that their motivation, when the layers are peeled back, is to magnify their own ego. It gives them great pleasure to do those things that, in their mind, makes them feel they are “winning”.

Which makes me wonder- what is really your own motivation in producing the (evidently) highly researched material that shows up on your blog? Are you on some kind of crusade that somehow gives you a sense of worth?

If the Bible is true, and if the apostles of Jesus preached the truth of God, and if we find that truth in the book of Acts in the history of the establishment of the early church, and if that truth consists of the necessity of repentance, baptism in the name of Jesus Christ, and being filled with the Holy Spirit, and if a great number of people have embraced their doctrine and have given their lives to God, what is the big issue? What possible good can be derived from denigrating the ministries of Stoneking, Bernard et al? By “exposing” them for the phonies you apparently believe they are- what does this accomplish?

It is one thing to take issue because of doctrinal disagreement. There is a time and place to dispute error, of that there is no doubt, and some good can indeed come from it. But to demean the ministries of the men such as you have named, with such intensity… where do you hope to go with all that?

When all was said and done and you pressed that ENTER key for the last time, and sent your missive out into the ether did you feel a certain satisfaction that said “So there!” or “Take that!” ? And is this something that you plan to continue doing? Not knowing, of course, what your position is on issues, or whether or not you even believe in the truth of the Bible, and even if you do, I can’t help but wonder, doesn’t life hold more for you? I mean really, doesn’t it?

Glenn T Howard, Jr.

Since I have been operating the website since 1997, I think it is clear that I plan on continuing. In fact, I already have two people who have agreed to take the reigns whenever I am no longer able to do so.

I leave you with a quote to consider from The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen:

The most powerful of all unspoken rules in the abusive system is what we have already termed the ‘can’t talk’ rule. The ‘can’t talk’ has this thinking behind it: ‘The real problem cannot be exposed because then it would have to be dealt with and things would have to change; so it must be protected behind walls of silence (neglect) or by assault (legalistic attack). If you speak about the problem out loud, you are the problem. In some way you must be silenced or eliminated.’ Those who do speak out are often told, ‘We didn’t have all these problems until you started shooting your mouth off. Everything was fine before you started stirring things up.’ Or else, to make it sound really spiritual, ‘You were angry- you didn’t confront the matter in a ‘loving’ way. So it proves you weren’t handling the matter in a mature, Christian manner.’ In either case, the problem remains.

The truth is, when people talk about problems out loud they don’t cause them, they simply expose them.

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Memories: Taking vacation in an abusive church

I’m organizing old paperwork and came across some copies of old letters and thoughts, as well as a note to the church office to let them know I would be out of town. I’ll start with the note. Keep in mind that:

I’d already talked to the pastor and his wife. The note was required as well, and directed to the office staff.
I was going to campmeeting two states away. A lot of others were also attending, and everyone at church was aware that it was campmeeting time. My parents’ home was the halfway point in the trip.
“Lord willing” meant “if the church leadership is still OK with this.” If I simply said I was going, I might be told I couldn’t go. If I went without permission or without this note, I would have probably been severely reprimanded on my return.
I was at least 35 years old when this was written.

Everyone–as I talked to [pastor and pastor’s wife] a few days ago, Lord willing I plan to leave for my parents’ house on Friday. I plan to be there through Thursday, then head to [the camp]. I hope to be back late Sunday night. My first service back will probably be [date].

Contact information: [included parents’ names, address, and phone which they should have had on file]

At [camp] I’ll be staying at [hotel/campground info]. I will have both cell phone [and provide their numbers here, which they also had on file]…

Wow. I know that not everyone felt they needed to do this, and perhaps not everyone did at my former church. But soon after starting to attend, I sent a note without getting permission first that I’d be going home for Christmas. I was told I couldn’t go and be ‘right with God.’ And so I backed out of my Christmas plans with family. After that I always asked AND sent a note.

Can you feel the fear in the note? Did you feel fear like this? Did you feel you had to report every move, or have every move you made reported by others? Did your church take attendance and then, if you weren’t there, call on Monday, ask why you weren’t there, ask where you were, and reprimand you for not letting them know in advance, all under the guise of being ‘concerned’?

These requirements are unhealthy and unreasonable. I had a cell phone; they could have reached me any time if they were truly concerned. But missing a service, even a couple of services, shouldn’t be reason for a call from the church office, especially during campmeeting when 10-20% of the church members will attend. These are signs of an unhealthy church, not of love or concern. Love would give the benefit of the doubt, not a lecture. Love would never deny someone their family time or planned vacation.

(Side note–at this campmeeting I heard a sermon that finally completely released me to leave that environment. Within six months, I would leave that church and its organization for good.)

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