Continued from Part Three.
I stopped everything. Pants, cutting my hair, make up, movies, music, friends, sometimes sex with the DH, being best friends with my DH, happiness, peace of mind and you can insert just about anything else and I stopped it. I got baptized to satisfy my mother and stop listening to her go on and on about it. I was okay with it, I had no problems. I was so caught up with this organization I didn’t even notice. I want to say I was so caught up in Jesus that I didn’t notice. Honestly I don’t know. When I reflect on it now it seems like such a whirlwind. I know I loved God and was wanting to do it all for him, however I can’t lie and say I didn’t want to be a part of what I thought was going to save me. Being Apostolic Pentecostal was everything. We were not Christians, we were Apostolic for the mere word Christian was not good enough for us. That would put us in the category as everybody else. And we alone where the bride of Christ no one else was. They were not our brothers and sisters, atheists were more tolerated than non-oneness Pentecostals.
I remember after my second child was born praying for a new set of tongues because I wanted to hear an actual language. I prayed and fasted a very long time for this. I couldn’t stand the thought of going to Hell. Tongues was the Holy Ghost and without it you were not saved. Did I ever get it, I don’t really want to answer that question. I am still sorting out tongues. I believe whatever I do in prayer is real because it comes from my heart. I also believe in tongues because the bible talks about it, however the beliefs I once had about them is what I am sorting out. That was vulnerable to write to say the least. It was a lot keeping up the separated from everybody in the whole wide world doctrine and make sure I pray in tongues every day or loss of salvation.
I had a powerful moment with God during this time. Once in prayer I remember Him telling me I came to HIM thinking he was mad at me all time, because that is what I always knew. That had to be God for no one else what I went through in prayer. I constantly started out my prayers with repenting and not always getting anywhere because I thought he only tolerated me not loved me. I got in on a package deal, this whole salvation thing. He died for everybody else and I was given the crumbs. I wasn’t important in church. I didn’t hold a position in church in my early years so that meant God felt the same way about me as everybody else did, a second-class Christian.
Then something happened, that got me to start thinking about a lot of things. I went through a couple of pastoral changes. The thing is every one of them believed different things. They all held to the 3 step plan, but the last pastor added on a lot you had to do to be saved. He was WPF and oh brother that is when it all hit the fan for me.
To be continued…