Blogs

There are a few passages that helped me keep my sanity when I left the unhealthy church that taught me that I couldn’t be saved without them, that if I left I was leaving God, that God would punish me for leaving. One of these passages is this:
Mt 12:20 A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory.

One verse, but I clung to it. I couldn’t put it into words then and I’m not sure I can now. However, for someone who had been wounded, this verse was a promise. A reed, nothing to begin with and now bruised as well, making it worth even less, but Jesus would not break it. Nor would he put out a “smoking flax” – a wick that might be snuffed because it wasn’t burning brightly. He would let it continue to give out what light it could. He wouldn’t condemn it as useless or look to only preserve what might do better. He wouldn’t stomp it or push it aside.

Always to me, the first part of the verse brings an image of Jesus reaching out to straighten or simply to lovingly touch a slender stalk, bent and broken from lack of care. This is a very different Jesus than I was taught, this Jesus who would acknowledge a reed. A piece of grass of sorts. And one that was bent, at that! To me the verse shows a gentleness and a care that I couldn’t even imagine, a deeper love than anyone had told me even Jesus could give – the kind of love that would see value in the weakest, that might even heal a bruised reed or encourage a flame in a smoking wick.

Does God punish those who leave abusive churches? Part 2

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

One of the ways unhealthy churches cause members unnecessary angst is the manner in which they teach communion. For many, even though they are now away from their former churches, they still cannot take part in communion. There are some who never overcome the fear instilled in them that they could be bringing damnation upon themselves. For them, the experience of communion has been ruined. Others are able to do so only after much trepidation, prayer and agonizing over their standing with God.

In some of these churches, the pastor has to give approval of anyone wishing to take communion. Some give rules that must be followed. There is the issue of whether grape juice or wine is to be used. Others will forbid people from taking part in communion at other churches where they feel it isn’t properly taught or handled.

There is nothing in the Bible that says a pastor or leader is to approve of anyone taking communion. There is no check-off list for believers to do prior to partaking. If you have placed your faith in Jesus, you are free to take communion. We do it in remembrance of Jesus. It is not to be something feared, dreaded or worrisome.

The believers in Corinth were very messed up. (For a brief synopsis of what it was like, read this.) They suffered from divisions, quarrels, jealousy and sexual immorality. They were carnal, with some being proud and arrogant. At times gatherings were disorderly. The apostle Paul considered them to be worldly and like infants in Christ, instead of mature believers. This was the scenario when Paul addressed those at Corinth concerning communion. You will find no other warning about communion anywhere else in the New Testament. It was specific to the situation among these believers.

Despite this, for years some ministers have twisted 1 Corinthians 11 into something Paul never meant nor taught. This is what Paul had heard about them concerning communion (NLT): “When you meet together, you are not really interested in the Lord’s Supper. For some of you hurry to eat your own meal without sharing with others. As a result, some go hungry while others get drunk. What? Don’t you have your own homes for eating and drinking? Or do you really want to disgrace God’s church and shame the poor? What am I supposed to say? Do you want me to praise you? Well, I certainly will not praise you for this!”

Do you see it? They were not viewing communion properly as it seemed to be treated like any other meal and some became drunk, something certainly not part of communion. Others went without, due to some not considering those that did not have anything to eat. THIS is what Paul addressed. They had turned communion into something foreign to what they had been taught. It had nothing to do with a checklist. It had nothing to do with praying through first or making sure you had repented of any and all possible sin. It wasn’t about those things at all. But unhealthy churches distort what happened in order to create FEAR in people—and they have a much better chance of controlling and manipulating you when it is present. Fear permeates the teachings in unhealthy churches.

This is what Paul taught about the reason for communion (NLT): For I pass on to you what I received from the Lord himself. On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it. Then he broke it in pieces and said, “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, he took the cup of wine after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant between God and his people—an agreement confirmed with my blood. Do this in remembrance of me as often as you drink it.” For every time you eat this bread and drink this cup, you are announcing the Lord’s death until he comes again.

The celebration of Passover became the Christian time of communion and was to be done in remembrance of Jesus. We remember that he gave his life for us and brought a new covenant with God. Through the years it seems to have lost the closeness brought by sharing a meal together compared to how most churches celebrate today.

While Paul does go on to mention taking communion ‘unworthily/unworthy’ and that they should ‘examine themselves’ beforehand, his instructions had nothing to do with what some ministers teach today, that one has to pray through and make sure they have no sin in their life. He isn’t saying believers need to be fearful of taking part in communion. Remember the overall state of the believers at Corinth and how Paul stated that when they met together they weren’t really interested in the Lord’s Supper. The NASB puts it like this, “Therefore when you meet together, it is not to eat the Lord’s Supper, for in your eating each one takes his own supper first; and one is hungry and another is drunk.” While their gathering together was to celebrate the Lord’s Supper, they had a total disregard for others as they scarfed down the meal and became drunk, starting before everyone arrived, and doing so while others had little or nothing to eat and drink. They made the taking of communion to be disgraceful by their selfishness, inconsideration and drunkenness.

Consider how Paul closed his comments to them and hopefully it will help you to see where the emphasis was placed when he wrote to the Corinthians. (NLT) “So, my dear brothers and sisters, when you gather for the Lord’s Supper, wait for each other. If you are really hungry, eat at home so you won’t bring judgment upon yourselves when you meet together.” Can you better see it now?

For those having difficulty in this area, consider having your own personal time of communion away from a church setting, either by yourself or with family. It may help you to ease back into being able to participate in a church setting. There are no rules on how frequently a believer is to take communion and there is nothing condemning those who do not take it.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

The following was taken from an older conversation in one of our private support groups. The initial post, along with the responses, have been shared with permission. The initial post and a follow-up are between the asterisks, followed by responses. Names have been omitted. Responses that were longer have been placed in quotes. I have added my own brief thoughts at the end.

There are those who don’t believe there is such a thing as spiritual abuse and some ridicule the thought, thinking it is about things like people being upset over not being allowed to hold some position or that they didn’t like a decision made by a pastor. Some feel people are simply bitter and just need to ‘get over it’ and move on. These individuals are clueless and ignorant as to the types of damage that being in an unhealthy church can cause. One of the most difficult things some grapple with is their trust and belief in God. Pastors, the very ones who should be encouraging and helping people in their relationship with God, have instead helped to destroy the faith of some and caused others to question it. Listen to ‘J’ as he shares the pain and aftermath of dealing with his unhealthy church experience.

*********

Possible trigger warning, I have been in a dark place recently but this week it has sort of come to a head.

Today in church, part of the sermon touched on Deuteronomy 31:6, about not being afraid because “he will never leave you or forsake you.”

However, inside a deep pit of empty despair formed because, simply put, that was not true. Having done my absolute best to follow him led me to years of abuse, loneliness, virtual slavery. All I can see there was that I was abandoned. I was in a place where I was abused and demeaned in his name, and was not helped. How can I count on him if I was torn apart in his name and was not helped? How can I trust when three years later things that were stolen in his name are not yet restored? How can I trust him ever again when I was abandoned? How can I trust when I see promises in his word turned on their head, when the exact opposite of what was promised occurs? Trust him to do what, exactly? He claims to be closer than a brother but I don’t ever even hear or feel him. I don’t see him doing anything that would merit trust. How can I claim relationship with someone who never even bothers to show up, especially when the one they claim to love is so utterly screwed over?

I tried to talk to someone I trust about this, how I feel and what I think and observe. Instead, I got met with a combination of fear and disdain. “How could you think like that?!” Even getting angry that I would not unquestioningly obey if God asked me to do it. I would in fact question.

I don’t see a reason to trust. Instead, I see promises that are empty; I see a past where I was left alone in the darkness.

…One of the hard points in all of this is, there is nothing I can truly point to and say “God absolutely did this.”

I came to my senses in the cult when the leaders royally screwed up and got a number of us wondering. It was us, together, who decided they were full of it, and us together who protected one another as we left. So by us supporting each other, and the leaders being way to ham-fisted for their own good is what sparked that.

In that, and in other things, I see other people helping me. I see lessons that I learned and applied to get me to better places. I don’t see supernatural help.

*********

Below are some of the responses to J.

L: All I can say is I know how you feel. I have had all the same questions and feelings. After many years, I was able to look back and I was actually able to see Him during those times. It was still hard to trust because I was thinking “Well, so You were there. But I didn’t feel You there. And that will probably happen again before my life is over. Fat lot of good it will do.” But then I had to weigh trusting vs not trusting and I felt trusting was better. It was healing. And freeing. I’m still on the journey. Jesus also felt forsaken when He said “My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken me.” I think God understands all these things. I think He understands all your feelings and I think He accepts them. I think part of the journey is embracing that it’s okay to feel like you do and you have a legitimate reason for feeling all of it. Here a hug and a pat on the back. You’re okay.

M: You’re describing a place that is very familiar to me, too, and that I don’t know what to do with either. I’ve gotten to a point where people’s reactions, either the one you describe or the prideful, “not Me! *I’ve* never been *there*. God is sooo good!” are both based in fear- either fear that it could happen to them or fear because they don’t want to admit that it has, even to themselves.

J: Yeah, I can see that fear. I don’t want to spark fear in others, but I DO want others to understand that it is not all sunshine and roses.

K: J, I feel the exact same way. I have lost my trust in God to protect or be with me and I am hanging onto a tiny bit of faith by a fraying thread. I prayed so many, many times at my old church for God to intervene or show me if I should leave the church, if what they were teaching was wrong. Instead, all I ever experienced was being told to submit, to trust the pastor’s discernment and not my own, and the threat that I would risk God’s judgment if I left. So much mental and spiritual abuse happened. I feel very betrayed. If my child asked me to intervene while she was being abused or led astray, I would. Why didn’t He?

I also question God’s protection and goodness after watching several wonderful people die horrible deaths, including a little 11-year-old girl. That girl was my daughter’s best friend and it crushed my daughter when she died. Her innocent faith was crushed when God did not answer her prayers to heal her friend. She was convinced He would. If I could heal someone that was dying, I would. Why didn’t he?

People credit God when someone is healed or avoids a tragedy. But according to that logic, wouldn’t that also mean we should credit Him when someone is not healed, when a family drowns in a hurricane, or when someone dies in a crash? If I had the power to prevent these tragedies, I would. Why didn’t He?

I have very rarely shared these doubts because almost everyone would chastise me. But they are not going away and I can’t get by with platitudes like “God’s ways are not our ways”, or “God uses all things for our good” or “Praise God anyway.” Platitudes do not help when the One who could have intervened, protected and healed people chose not to do so.

You are not alone with your doubts and hurts and it is OK to acknowledge them. Please keep talking here without fear of judgment.

J: I hear you. It frustrates me to no end when people say God took away their headache when they prayed (or something like that), yet others go through horrendous fates praying desperately for the help the bible promises yet are left alone.

J (written several weeks later): This hasn’t gone away. In fact, it gets worse as more and more things go badly and as no evidence of help comes forth. I honestly don’t see my prayers having any impact. My fear isn’t that there is no god. My fear is that he is malevolent, or at least indifferent.

K: I hear you and I empathize with you. I feel ripped up inside because I have these same thoughts and feelings. I am sorry you are experiencing the same.

M: I can’t think that if there is a God he would be malevolent. He may view things very differently than we do, he may not be as actively involved in ways that we were taught, but that wouldn’t make him malevolent. I’m not sure it would even make him indifferent, just with a very, very different perspective than we have.

I wonder if there is a God, why God would allow things he does, how to protect myself from this upside down, crazy life if there isn’t a God who will protect me. I’ve struggled with this for 17 years. I prayed and begged God in 2000 not to let me be thrown out of a church because the pastor falsely accused me of lusting after the pastor. Fasted for days. Did everything I could to repent of things I’d never done. And I found another church and ran to it. And at that church the pastor’s wife was in an accident. The pastor started inviting young women to his house to visit his wife, who was bedridden. The men would lay hands on me. I was so freaked out, so terrified that I would be falsely accused again. And I was trying to hide what had happened from my parents and others, trying to keep a ‘good witness’. So I moved to the next state and went back to college. I spent thousands before discovering that I couldn’t get the certificate I wanted without quitting work and going to school full time. So I dropped out. I hoped that at the church I was in at the time that I would finally get married, that I’d finally have the respect of the pastor, that I’d have a church. The pastor died. People in the church picked at me. A man stalked me. The new pastor was cruel. And I stayed, still hoping.

So I get it. Way too well. If those things hadn’t happened I would still be attending a UPC, blissfully ignorant of how far from faith in God I actually was, holding on to terribly false ideas about God and about what faith in him looked like. I was begging God to let me stay but was to the point that I was taking risks with the thought that maybe I’d just die and get out of the situation.

God didn’t answer my prayers. But in a weird way he did. Not that I can trust him yet. It’s frightening to trust an all powerful being who not only doesn’t do what you ask, but is so unpredictable that he doesn’t even do what you think he wants done, doesn’t even help you to do what you think he’s commanded. And it’s terrifying to think that we’re in his hands. It’s easier to think maybe he’s indifferent or even nonexistent than all that. It sure seems like it would be a safer, more sensible world at times. And yet I know that through all of it, better things happened by far than what I begged for — I got out. I left and I’m glad of it, and without dying to be rid of them.

It’s a slow, slow process. Friends like the one you mentioned don’t help. They just make me mad.

I picked up a book at Goodwill tonight. Not my typical read. It’s titled No One Cries the Wrong Way. It’s about grief, and the title itself is comforting somehow.

________________________________________________________________________

It is impossible to know how much damage has been caused at spiritually abusive churches led by unhealthy pastors and other leaders. Thousands upon thousands of people have been harmed and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. Some have great difficulty separating the distorted view of God instilled in them by these churches and what the Bible shows. As they try to recover and heal from their experiences, they may still view things through their former church teachings. There are things each of us have been taught that are not found within the Bible. Expecting that God will keep all believers from harm is one of those.

As to the question of ‘why does God allow this or that to happen,’ I liked how they touched on this in the movie, Love Comes Softly.

One of the central characters is a man who lost his wife and he is raising his young daughter. He made an arrangement with a woman whose husband died and they had a marriage of convenience. He needed someone to help him raise his daughter and she needed a place to stay for the winter until she could catch a wagon to take her home to the East. The scene I am quoting from happens after the man’s barn burns down.

The woman he has married asks him if he prayed for these bad things to happen and says, “I just don’t understand why the God that you pray to would let such unthinkable things happen to decent people.”

He replied, “Missy (his daughter) could fall down and hurt herself even if I’m walking right there beside her. That doesn’t mean that I allowed it to happen. She knows her father’s unconditional love. I’ll pick her up and I’ll carry her. I’ll try to heal her. I’ll cry when she cries. And I’ll rejoice when she is well. You know all the moments of my life, God has been right there beside me. The truth of God’s love is not that he allows bad things to happen, but it’s His promise that He’ll be there with us when they do.”

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Intriguingly, not a single person in the Bible was named Pastor, yet it was named in the 5-fold ministry and appears to be a spiritual gift, something that was enacted for the perfecting of God’s people. A position of leadership, to point towards the Christ and to inspire others toward Christ.

Yet, history and experience have also taught that pastors can become idolized, creating movements that follow the man and not the Christ. When the man fails, the movement fails. And when a human reveres another human, they are ripe to be taken advantage of by that human.

My inspiration for this writing is two-fold. First is that I left (after 15 years) what is a bonafide cult – a split off church from the Oneness Pentecostal church (United Pentecostal Church) that went independent and fanatical. In this cult, the pastor was everything, overriding any leading of the Spirit an individual may have. Secondly, I recently finished watching the Netflix documentary Wild Wild Country.

First Things First

This is not to bash and bang on pastors. Only God knows the burden and labor someone who takes that office is placed under. If you believe in spiritual warfare, I would argue 75% of that warfare is aimed at spiritual leaders. They must take seriously their position of leading people to Christ, and simultaneously remember they are simply followers themselves. I think the latter part is the hardest.

In the documentary about Baghwan Rajneesh, a Hindu guru that amassed a great following and eventually created a 70,000 acre compound in Antelope, OR, (191 miles from where I live) it becomes evident immediately that this man is being worshiped. Every person hangs on his every word and to simply be in his presence evoked great emotions.

I can recall three times in the 15 years of my time in my cult that I was able to sit next to the pastor, and I would have given my right arm for each experience. I felt special to be that close to the man. His admiration and approval meant everything to me in the years that I was really bought into the lies. At a group function (one time) I sat next to my pastor and I probably gushed with arrogant pride that it was me and not someone else.

Worshiping Leadership

The first way to spot Pastor Worship is seeing someone completely enamored and devoted to the person. They hang on their every word. If the pastor stands up, they stand up. If the pastor wears blue, they wear blue.

One way I spotted it in my cult was noticing people dressed and reflected the pastor. The way the young men in the church talked sounded like the pastor. Their facial expressions mimicked the pastor. The phrases and speech style of the pastor was mimicked in the young men. This was the same for the young women who would mimic the pastor’s wife.

There certainly is nothing wrong with admiring a person for their labor in the church, but when you begin cloning the person, you have idolized them and they have absolute control over you.

These people will often repeat phrases the pastor has shrouded in his messages like, ‘This man has given his life for me!’ or ‘He has given everything to this church, the least we can do is give him our everything…’ (Please note that one man giving his wealth, to having 100, 200, 1000 or more people return their wealth is a pretty good ROI!)

This also ends with followers becoming militant in their defense of the pastor or leader. In the Rajneesh cult, they literally took up weapons. In my cult, I heard men say, while pumping their fist in the air or punching one palm with the other fist, ‘Don’t you come against my man of God or you’ll get the five folded ministry.’

The Pastor Overrides God

One of the most striking examples of this came when I felt the Lord lead me into some type of ministry. At the time I felt God called me to take the Gospel to a third-world country. We always think of that as an evangelist or preacher.

After three or four days of turmoil, I went to the pastor and told him about it. His response was a little shocking to me now – but then I accepted it as right. The pastor said,

“If that was God leading you, he would have confirmed it in me, and he hasn’t.”

Another example of this is a man I know who felt it was right to take his family to another town and another church. Instead of the pastor asking, “Is this what you think the Lord wants you to do, and if so, then listen to Him.” the pastor said, “I don’t think this is the right move and if you move without my blessings, you’ll do it without God’s blessings too.”

That family is basically exiled from the church because they moved without the pastors blessing.

The Bible tells Christians to be led by the Spirit, not by a man. Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments.” Not the pastor’s commandments. That isn’t to say we shouldn’t seek counsel from our pastor, and listen, but if he (pastor) thinks he is wiser and overrides the Spirit, he is out of his place.

No Demand Seems Too High, No Crime is Too Much

Outsiders, often family, will say things like, “Why do you let them control you like that?” and the most common response is, “They don’t control me! I want to do this.”

People who idolize their pastor never feel like the demands are too high. No amount of time, money, energy or sacrifice is enough to pay back all that the pastor has put in to the church. And they normally remind you of this, roundabouts time to preach about tithing.

Furthermore, people who idolize their pastor look right over the top of controversy and criminal behavior and call it ‘persecution of the devil.’ A classic example is my old pastor, who was found guilty of violating child labor laws and was subsequently sued for defaming a former member and settled for nearly $1,000,000 to shut up the former member with a gag order. To the people still in the church, it was ‘made up charges’ and ‘worldly persecution.’

Conclusion

This is the reality of pastor worship. If you are a pastor and reading this, please know that I am not coming against you – just those who abuse the position.

1 Peter 2:9 tells us that we are a peculiar people belonging to God. Jesus said that the gates of hell would not prevail against HIS church. Jesus prayed to the father and called us HIS sheep.

We do not belong to a pastor – we follow a pastor if he is walking and leading us to Christ. Paul said, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:1. This leaves the door open that if Paul stops imitating Christ, they (disciples) were to stop imitating Paul.

If you see someone idolizing their pastor, share this article with them. We need a revolution of people willing to follow Christ and not the man with the shiniest suit, the finest car, the best programs, the trophy wife…Jesus commanded Peter, ‘Feed my sheep,’ not ‘Fleece my sheep.’

Please view my original content at https://www.dividetheword.blog

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

We live in a dangerous world. A world that seems to have gone off the deep end. Crime, murder and mayhem are everywhere and statistics tell us the number has increased. I live in St. Louis, Missouri, which is supposed to be one of the most dangerous places to live! But since I live here I don’t see it that way. I just know it is my city and it is in trouble.

But God did not intend for us to live in fear or our cities to be dangerous, he intended for peace to be our way of life. Scripture says, “For God did not send the Son into the world in order to judge (to reject, to condemn, to pass sentence on) the world, but that the world might find salvation and be made safe and sound through Him.” John 3:17 AMPC

It is God’s intention that the world be made safe and sound through him! My city was not supposed to be the most dangerous city to live in…but safe and sound. So what has happened?

I believe it’s the lack of positive teaching in our churches. We’ve been guilted into service of our Lord but only for our own church. We never venture outside the church. We never reach out to the lost masses of humanity with words of grace because of our own fears and guilt.

In studying the Word more closely, I find one of the biggest tools the enemy will use against us is condemnation (guilt), which will cause discouragement, fear and depression. How many of us have sat through a legalistic church service and been condemned so much you just wanted to get up and leave? All that consuming guilt because you did not attend some special service or show up for church picnic or church work day, that you felt beaten down and not lifted up. Actually I would feel worse after church was over than before.

I don’t know if this happened to anybody else, but my husband and I were so moody when we got home we would begin arguing….because of the negativity. Trying to remember my past experiences right now, and I can’t remember one upbeat message or encouraging word.

But God did not intend for this to be a way of life. Scripture says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:1‬ ‭NKJV‬‬. God intended us to be witnesses for him to go out among the people and compel them to come to God. We are to go to their homes for dinner, we are to make friends with them, and to gently woo them to Jesus through the gospel. We are not to condemn and pass judgement on them. We are to lovingly share the good news of the gospel.

Of course we were never taught to do that and if we did make friends outside the church we were condemned about it. Then God opened up his word to me since I left the United Pentecostal Church and gave me a brand new world that is free from guilt. I have finally forgiven myself of my past and stopped beating myself up.

God has kept me going in the right direction. I have been able to witness to a lady at Walmart among the Christmas lights and pray with her, I’ve invited total strangers to come to church or bible studies, and God still has new things on the horizon for me to enjoy but I will never see them if I continuously live in the past. It is time to move forward, to forgive and forget and God “…will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭26:3‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.