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Blindsided: Series Introduction

Walking into the doors of a new church for the first time, the adrenaline of nervous hopefulness rushes throughout the couple’s bodies. The newly married couple is playing hooky on their church’s “Do That Again Sunday,” an annual celebration of their pastor’s two favorite sermons. Unfortunately, this year is the pastor’s twenty-fifth anniversary at the mega church and the entire day is a memorial in his honor. Thus, today, tired of the legalism and focus on grandiosity over souls, the couple steps out, unsure of how to speak and act in a new location with starkly different social norms. Taking seats in the back pew, countless people come up to make their acquaintance, making them feel slightly more comfortable and welcome.

As the congregation erupts in song, it feels like heaven on earth as their loud harmonious voices dance across the auditorium. Following several vibrant hymns, a simple preacher steps forward on the stage. His neatly trimmed, short, black hair continues down through the beard on his face, a shock of freedom after coming from an Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church that never allows men on staff to grow their facial hair. As he opens his Bible and begins to speak, his warm voice is filled with love and compassion, yet balanced with truth and Scripture. When was the last time they heard a message with this much Bible that was not used merely as a springboard for the pastor’s ideas? He is preaching on sin, a subject most welcome after years of hearing their preacher’s weekly soapbox: truth, friendship, and world evangelism. The preacher continues to inquire gently, yet fervently, about Bible reading and daily time in prayer, the actual nuts and bolts of the Christian life. They leave that day spiritually fed, left in awe of the freedom to serve Christ in whatever capacity He has for them.

The couple continues to visit as often as they can get away and quickly develops friendships with the church members who appear to be real and down-to-earth. Most of the men wear suits, but it is not frowned upon to leave one’s tie at home. The women appear simple and realistic, not expected to be fully adorned in layers of caked-on makeup, coordinating jewelry, blazers, pantyhose and high heels at every service. The congregants also appear to have a mind of their own and may express differing opinions. Even the pastor and the choir director differ significantly on music and dress standards but serve alongside each other in ministry and friendship. Even though the new couple struggles to leave behind the ministries they have served in and loved for years, they know they need a place where they can be fed spiritually, and a place for them to feel at home. Five months after their first visit, the couple joins the new church, knowing full-well that leaving their old church will likely prevent the husband from graduating with a Bible college degree. But they are now at a place that their little family can grow, or so they think.

Fast-forward five years and three children later: loyalty in service, ministry, street preaching, orchestra, choir, nursery, baby showers, Bible conferences, an international mission trip and attending a missionary training camp. Add in Bible Institute classes and countless hours of seeking counsel because of brokenness over past spiritual abuse. But the couple is now sitting in a meeting with a narcissistic man who has found his way under the pastor, claiming he can do whatever he wants. Following that meeting, the pastor meets with the husband and tells him that he and his wife are removed from all ministries (except nursery turns out), and the husband needs to start with apologizing to one man in the church, then should inquire of the same man whom he should apologize to next, and continue the process until he has apologized to every man affected by his wife’s actions.

A few months later, the same narcissistic man attempts to intimidate them with an ultimatum pending on if the wife’s accusations of harassment are swept under the rug or not, while the pastor threatens to call a men’s meeting because the husband is demanding that the pastor be present for the meeting to come. All of this takes place because the wife publicly stood-up for previous church members that the narcissistic man ripped apart from the pulpit on multiple occasions, and without remorse. Looking back, maybe they should have seen it coming. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, right? The red flags were everywhere, but they seemed to creep in unawares as the atmosphere changed over time. All we desired was a safe place spiritually to raise our newly growing family. This is our story of the spiritual abuse that still greatly affects my family to this day.

Should we keep this to ourselves because we are not to touch God’s anointed? Will it harm the cause of Christ, or will it open the eyes of the innocent to hopefully establish boundaries to protect themselves from the dangers within their own church families? Why remain silent for a year and half, but suddenly speak publicly on the occurrences?

I actually spoke out on multiple occasions through Facebook posts, Facebook messages, long discussions, and multiple meetings with our pastor and the man under him. Everything was met with resistance, manipulation, and deceitfulness, resulting in greater strains on my family. Now, the man under the pastor, Douglas Stauffer, has found a position of power elsewhere, as pastor of Faith Independent Baptist Church in Niceville, Florida. I could not stay silent then, and I can no longer stay silent now.

Blindsided will take you on a journey of the harassment, gaslighting, and spiritual abuse that took place at Antioch Baptist Church in 2018 at the hands of Pastor Andrew Ray, and a man named Douglas Stauffer. In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these two ministers and the events which led to my departure.

Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Hindsight is 20/20” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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The narrow way

Trying to describe submission to someone tonight, I first thought to describe our submission to God, which isn’t asking God what our every move should be… and then I realized that’s EXACTLY what I was taught in the United Pentecostal Church that submission to God was. And submission to the pastor. So of course I would think that submission to a husband would also be that. However, what we were taught about submission to God is probably very wrong.

When I was maybe 7-8, a Sunday School teacher drew a line on the floor in chalk. She told us to walk the line. When a foot slipped from the line, she said “Oh! That’s the devil!” Every time a foot slipped off a chalk line. But in reality, God doesn’t have us walking a chalk line. The narrow way isn’t that narrow.

God doesn’t want puppets. He doesn’t want to direct our every move. His “will” isn’t about us praying whether we should take a certain job when we don’t have one at all, or about getting a certain feeling when we pray about whether we should buy a car or a house or take a vacation. His will is simpler than that — his will is that we live, and live fully. “That we might have life, and have it more abundantly.”

So how do we submit to God? Through faith and confidence and hope and trust. “In whom we live and move and have our being…” We live. We move. But in God… maybe in much broader parameters than we were taught. Submission is not about always doing what someone else wants, about asking what they want and then doing whatever they direct. One of the things that God wants is that WE live. That includes, I think, doing things that we enjoy and that we want to do (as long as those things don’t intentionally harm ourselves or others).

So how do we submit to God? By not deliberately doing things that we know are wrong, things that would make him sad. And if that’s how we submit to God, then it stands to reason that’s how we would submit to others as well, keeping in mind that in a healthy relationship, we don’t make someone “sad” because we don’t do everything they say, especially if what they direct hurts us or others. In healthy relationships we are not asked to do things that hurt us or others, nor does either person in the relationship deliberately hurt the other.

What I was taught about submission to God, parents, pastors, and others was very, very incorrect.

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Shattering Ice

At the last minute, I grabbed some towels and stuck them in the van for after. I knew the recent snows would make the trails cakey muddy. I wanted to be OK with that, let the kids play, not be cautioning them and admonishing them because of the potential mess. This was our kids’ first full American winter after a childhood spent overseas. I wanted everyone to be free to enjoy the blue sky and the red rocks and the slightly warmed air. I guess I wanted the mud and mess to not matter.

We hiked a bit, then arrived at the iced-over pond just over a hill. My kids picked at the edges of the ice with toes and hands, breaking bits off. They raised chunks above their heads, then dropped them onto the ground. The ice shattered into sharped-edged shapes.

“We’re breaking windows,” one of them joked.

“This is strangely satisfying,” another said.

They named it “Ice Pile,” as proud as if they’d spent years designing the haphazard structure.

To me, it looked like a dozen broken puzzles all mixed together. I waffled, unsteady, between agreeing with their satisfaction at the sound of breakage to wishing I could piece it all back into a picturesque whole.

They soon moved onto throwing rocks on the pond, determined to break through the ice. We’d had many 60-degree winter days sandwiched in between frigid snowy days. So, the ice, as far as we could tell from the chunks, was only an inch thick, with a few long cracks over the surface. We all felt sure that if they found a big enough rock or threw one hard enough, it could easily make a hole. Maybe it could even cause a ripple of cracks throughout the whole pond.

But big boulders, or small rocks thrown with great might—they all skidded over the surface, the sound of contact a boingy repetition that made us all laugh. The only breakage they could manage was at the very edge, which they worked on diligently. I knew the next day’s promised snow storm would ice it all over again.

The Storm

I was trying to play, and relax and enjoy. But I couldn’t help but think about the attempts I’d recently tried to break through an unhealthy system. When I reported to leaders the spiritual abuse I’d experienced within the organization of which I was a part, I felt like I was in the middle of a storm on the ocean. The choppy waters slapped against me, the shore too far to reach. In order to keep from drowning, I felt like I had to build my own raft, but first find my own materials, and come up with tools to do it. It seemed like others in my organization were on a gorgeous sailboat in the distance, stretched out on chaise lounge chairs with umbrella drinks in their hands, wondering why I was struggling so much. “Everything’s fine!”

I found some materials and tools I thought would work—organizational policies that seemed to offer protection, the personnel department tasked with following employee laws, a couple of leaders I thought I could trust, my own carefully-thought-out words, all the kindness and patience I could muster, earnest pleas for help, my promised silence if they’d just fix things, and my own attempts to move on in spite of a lack of change and my own wounded faith.

Exiled

In the end, I was thrown onto shore by the organization. It was, I believe, retaliation. Not rescue. It meant we had to move back to our home country, ultimately make a job change, and resulted in the loss of a ministry and wonderful co-workers. Other losses too, some still too painful to list.

“Insubordination” was one of the reasons they used. They used tools, too to build their narrative—harsh, jagged, weaponized distortions of things I used to think could make healthy community. Unity. Reconciliation. Forgiveness. They claimed my husband and I were against all these.

They yanked out of my hands other tools like: my voice, accountability for leaders, best practices, protection of subordinates.

I landed hard on the shore, sand in my eyes, the few belongings I’d managed to grab dirty and scattered. I felt exiled, shamed, unwanted, misunderstood. At first, I’d walk to the edge of the water, longing to be invited onto their sailboat, begging to explain myself better. I kept my back turned to the beach, my eyes ignoring the storms that continued to brew at sea. Eventually, though, I looked around, noticed the soft sand, the light breezes, the green trees, the people there to greet me.

I’d made it out of the storm, just not in the way I’d wanted.

Sorting Out the Pieces

The months passed, and I tried to sort it all out, but the metaphors got mixed for me. Was I trying to get to shore? Or was I trying to knock through the ice, crack open what seemed wrong? Or am I try to piece something that was shattered back together again? Or am I what was shattered? And what do I do with the other things in the water—the good that I believe the organization is doing, the lifeboats they’re tossing to needy people, the lighthouse of faith they point to?

And what of the future? Do they own the entirety of oceans or are they just a small pond in this big world? Can I get back in the water somewhere else and not be consumed with its waves?

My husband has been in this whole thing with me. As a result, he’s now starting a new job, going through training, trying to focus on his studies, but also thinking about our new mortgage, and our kids’ needs, and the many costs of sudden transition. His roommate in training is just out of college, much younger, confident, optimistic. He believes in himself and the system in a way that seems lost to my husband and me at this point.

My husband called me from the place where he’s training, after I’d returned from the pond. “I’m not like that anymore,” he said, telling me how his roommate went out for dinner while my husband stayed in the room to study. “I know now that bad stuff can and does happen.”

“I’m with you,” I said. Then trying to be brave, “Don’t worry. I’m ready for whatever does happen. We’ll figure it out. It’ll be an adventure.”

Who Am I Now?

I’ve been talking with a friend of mine about platitudes, how we both hate them for their lack of complexity, reality, nuance and understanding of suffering in this world. But as I said them to my husband, I felt less like I’m offering him hollow sayings and more like I’m sorting through the pieces of who I was, or who I am, or maybe who I want to be, to see if they still fit. Have I just returned from a grand adventure, or a doomed endeavor? Am I brave or broken? Am I a warrior for speaking up or a traitor for speaking ill? Am I free to move forward, or stuck in exile? Will life be better or harder than it was in the ocean?

I told my husband about the pond, the rocks that skidded over the ice, the boingy sound, and that I’d remembered to bring towels for muddy shoes and hands. I sent him a picture I’d snapped with my phone. The scene looked like it could’ve been made into a boxed puzzle with its blue sky, icy pond, mountains and bright sun. I noticed for the first time the logs caught half submerged, stuck at strange angles. Though ice can look picturesque, it has a way of trapping things that should be free.

I recently saw a You Tube video about how it’s possible to skate on thin ice, if done just right. The video of the man skating showed the boingy sound as he glided. The reason, the video said, that even thin ice is still strong is because of two things: the power of the water underneath holding it up, and the attachment of the ice to the sides of the shore.

I thought how I was no longer part of water holding up ice. I thought, too, of how my kids and I chipped away at the edges and how it felt futile. But maybe, just maybe, it was making a difference.

I don’t know what will happen to that organization, don’t know if the ice there will someday be broken, or will melt, or will just keep refreezing in perpetual winter.

I do know, though, that spring follows winter. On this shore, anyway. And when it does, I’ve already decided. I’ll dip my toes in the water, testing to see if it’s safe to swim here. And then, towel nearby, I’ll take it a step at a time.

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Please stop talking about Jezebel…

Ok – so first off, I’m not saying to stop talking about the Bible, or the story of Jezebel! There is a powerful principle of being unequally yoked together with an unbeliever. In the case of Ahab, a Jewish King, marrying a Canaanite princess, who served many gods was a disgrace to the line of Israel and a continuation, as 1 Kings 16 declares, the sins of many kings before Ahab.

What I actually want to stop talking about, I’m going to talk about it…and that is the effort to use Jezebel as the foundation for the house of cards within the Holiness movement as the anti-make-up and jewelry monument (idol). A statue erected and constantly glorified across pulpits to disparage and to dissuade the usage of such things. You’ll hear all about the Jezebel spirit, the ‘harlot’ spirit. I’ve heard so-called Christian women refer to another woman who wears make-up in such a fashion, “Just look at that Jezebel!”

In fact, the inspiration to this writing is a comment I received on my article Why do some legalists forbid wearing Jewelry and Makeup? that again used the ‘Jezebel’ reference. And I don’t mean to disparage the person making that honest comment, but something glaring came from it that can and should be addressed.

Description vs. Prescription

I can’t help but remember a Baptist preacher who taught on the transitional nature of the Book of Acts and how certain people ‘hang their necks’ on certain portions of Scripture without seeing the fullness of the entire testimony. In that particular case, he was speaking of the way in which the Oneness Pentecostal doctrine views Acts 2:38 as the fullness of Gospel salvation (how to get saved) but do not read the rest of the book as the description of history and transition as it was played out.

This was something that my studies also led me to understand. The book of Acts was a description of the forming of the New Testament church, it is a window into the history of the Apostles, early missionary journeys, and incredibly, the way in which the Gospel was opened up to the Gentile bride (Acts 7/8) due to the thrice rejection of the Messiah by the Jewish people.

As we see the transitions take place we also notice some fundamental changes (requirements) because of a shift from a Jewish to a Gentile audience. And there is a difference. (Acts 15, Jewish Believers still maintained the Law of Moses, Gentile Believers did not and are not commanded to) But the description of early church practices, such as communal living, selling all earthly goods was certainly NOT a prescription (commandment) to the entire New Testament church from the days of the Apostles up to the second coming of Christ.

For example, let us look at some very plain prescriptions (commandments) vs. descriptions to illustrate the difference and why it matters in this narrative.

Prescriptive Text:

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” ~ 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, ESV

From this text, we draw very clear and strong conclusions of a commandment. Much like the original commandments that Yahweh gave to Moses, they weren’t ambiguous, unclear, nor arguable or debatable. The pronouncement is clear: People who do certain behaviors will not inherit (enter into) the kingdom of God.

Descriptive Text:

“And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need.” ~ Acts 2:43-45, ESV

From this text, we draw a conclusion that the early church was very communal, taking care of the physical (food, clothing, shelter) needs of each other as was needed under the persecution taking place, not just from the Roman front, but later a Jewish attack against Christianity.

The times demanded particular behaviors, and while we read about them, we don’t take this description/history as a prescription (commandment) that we are to sell all of our belongings, develop communes and live as a single community.

In a negative light or a positive light, descriptive texts should not be used as foundations or proof texts for prescriptive commandments unless they are coupled with very clear commandments.

Jezebel, the Golden Calf of the Holiness Movement

Recently, a comment was left on a previous article as I already mentioned. This is not a criticism of the commenter, just an illustration of how this connection happens;

We cannot take just 1 Bible Verse and ‘run away with it.’ We must read the ENTIRE meaning.
They decked their Faces with Paint (Make-up), and put on Ornament (Jewelry) also. Does that not sound like Jezebel to you?

This is in reference to Ezekiel 23, an incredibly strong, blatant, graphic account of the harlotry of Jerusalem and Samaria, symbolized as two sisters who engaged in much prostitution, debauchery, and idolatry who had turned away from the Lord. This prophecy, given to Ezekiel, was intended to provoke the prophet into proclaiming God’s disgust, displeasure, and desire for repentance upon the lands that he called his own. Verse 36 even says, “Son of man (Ezekiel), will you judge Oholah and Ohobilah? Then confront them with their detestable practices.”

The two sisters, Oholah (Samaria, the Gentiles) and Oholibah, (Jerusalem, the Jews) at one point were prophetically (not literally) decked with crowns, bracelets, make-up, oils and fine linens, beds, etc., and then judgment came upon them for their prostitution, adultery, and debauchery. Nowhere in this description, nor elsewhere, does Scripture teach that make-up, and/or jewelry was the prescription for their debauchery, and yet we can see and hear people making this connection via the Jezebel story simply because of the mention in Scripture.

We could conclude, as others have with the make-up and jewelry, that the olive oil, beds, fine linen, and other descriptive items were equally sinful, right? There is no doubt a reason for the mentioning of these things, but to use ‘honorable mentions’ as commandment prescription is dangerous, to the creation of false doctrines.

Jezebel

1 Kings 16-22 recounts the history of King Ahab of Jerusalem who reigned C 874-853 BC and includes the final days of Elijah the prophet who was responsible for the killing of the prophets of Baal (the religion to which Jezebel belonged) (1 Kings 18) and then his fleeing from the wrath of Jezebel in 1 Kings 19.

The problem with Jezebel and Ahab was not the make-up, nor jewelry. Rather, it was that Ahab was far from God, Yahweh, and marrying a princess of Caanan brought with it the need to erect temples to the false god Baal (1 Kings 16:32) in order to please Jezebel.

The story of Jezebel picks back up in 2 Kings chapter 9, long after Ahab’s death. When Elisha anoints Jehu (2 Kings 9:6) as King his first commandment, and seemingly the reason for Jehu’s anointing, is to destroy the house of Ahab and with it, the judgment of Jezebel for the murder of God’s prophets and people that she had wrought in retaliation for the slaying of the priests of Baal by the hands of Elijah. (1 Kings 18:20-22)

And the only portion of this story that comes up in this particular vein of thought is one small verse, that says, “And she painted her eyes and adorned her head and looked out of the window.” (2 Kings 9:30)

Somehow this simple act of hers, obviously attempting to disarm Jehu with her beauty, is the crux of the story. Little mention is given of her life of sin, murder, worship of false gods, the destruction she brought to the priests of Yahweh. Rather, all the legalists can focus on, is that she painted her eyes and put on a wig. Thus, anyone who paints her eyes and wears a wig…is a Jezebel.

Conclusion

At this point, it seems almost a moot point to iterate again how silly of an argument this is, but there are people who believe it so it is important, in love to explain these things. This article is long for a reason – because we needed the contrast of descriptive vs. prescriptive texts to understand the literary meanings being expressed by the writers, then twisted and perverted by modern readers.

As noted in my original article, Why do some legalists forbid wearing Jewelry and Makeup, there are many locations within Scripture that speak very, very favorably of make-up, and jewelry, the adorning of the body, and indeed even makes the connection with the Bride of Christ (the Church) preparing herself for her groom (Christ). (Rev 21:2)

There are many great resources into the customs of Jewish weddings, the attire of men and women in that ceremony. The 10-coined headdress, necklaces, and other jewelry were part of a traditional, sacred Jewish wedding ceremony. MacArthur and other Bible commentators have made notes about this when reviewing select Scriptures. We even see the God of Heaven and Earth, in the form of man, Jesus Christ, speaking of these coins in the parable of the lost coin in Luke 15:8-10. And in no way did He (Jesus) condemn this, but rather made the analogous connection of the joy a young woman would feel upon finding one of these lost coins as to the joy expressed in heaven when one sinner repents.

We must be very careful not to add anything, or take anything away, from Scripture, in our attempts to honor Scripture. The legalist will add to the word their own concocted dogmas, such as we are speaking about here, while the equal and opposite force will attempt to take things out of Scripture for the sake of not offending people or for allowing sinful behavior. Both are condemned in Scripture. (Deut 4:2, Deut 12:32, Rev 22:18)

Just for the record – I’m not out here arguing these points to get people to do these things. My wife does not wear make-up, and I’ve never asked her to. She doesn’t need to, and only will if she chooses to, and that makes me happy. My purpose is not to endorse the make-up industry but to endorse the proper handling of the Bible.

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Resolution: Courage To Be Myself

Oh how I dislike those pesky resolutions that we all make, hoping that we can at least complete one from our lists. So…how many have you completed? If you are like me it’s probably none…zilch…nada…zero!

Of course this could be the year that I will complete at least one of my resolutions. So why is this year any different? Is it me? Are my resolutions easier? Are they as challenging as prior years? Maybe not, but this year I want to have the Courage To Be Myself.

I want to have the courage to embrace my strengths, get excited about life, and enjoy giving and receiving love.

I want to face and transform my fears. Ask for help and support when I need it. Spring free of the Superwoman trap. I need to trust myself to make my own decisions and choices. Befriend myself and complete unfinished business and realize that I have emotional and practical rights.

I want to talk as nicely to myself as I do my plants and flowers in my garden. Communicate lovingly while understanding my goals. Honor my own needs and give myself credit for my accomplishments.

I need to love that little United Pentecostal Church girl within me and overcome my addiction to approval. Grant myself permission to play and quit being a responsible sponge. I need to feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately.

I want to nurture others because I want to, not because I have to. I need to choose what is right for me. I need to insist on being paid fairly for what I do. Limits and boundaries need to be set and I need to abide by them. Say “yes”only when I mean it.

I need to have realistic expectations, take some risks and accept change so I can grow through challenges. I want to be totally honest with myself and correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions. Respect my vulnerabilities and heal my old and current wounds.

I want to savor the mystery of the Spirit, wave good-bye to guilt and plant flowers instead of weed thoughts in my mind. Treat myself respect and teach others to do the same. I want to fill my cup first and then nourish others from the overflow.

It is time for me to own my own excellence, plan for my future but live in the present. I need to value my intuition and wisdom and know that I am lovable. It’s okay to celebrate the differences between man and women and develop deeply healthy, supportive relationships. It is very important to make forgiveness a priority!

I need to accept myself just as I am now and learn to take it one step at a time, one day at a time because change takes time.

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