Blogs | Page 197 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Why Am I Writing This?

If you’re reading this, you may have questions like these.

Why is she recounting all these bad memories?
What’s the point of rehashing all this and making it public?
Why doesn’t she attempt to make these descriptions more balanced?
Why is she dishonoring her parents?

The answer to the first and second questions are pretty much the same. The point is – these things happened to me, and I was very hurt and damaged. It was many years and lots of therapy before I was functional after leaving home. Similar things may be happening to other children as we speak. I hope that Mothers and Fathers might read these and rethink their actions with their children, and make it a point to instruct them with love, not criticism and fear. Maybe if some Mother of Father realizes that they’ve been unintentionally treating their child(ren) the same way, they’ll stop.

As for the third question, these are my childhood memories. The memories of a hurting child may not be a balanced view, but they may still be helpful in bringing someone else to a balanced view, if they realize that they’re doing this to their own children.

Regarding the 4th question, the truth is the truth. I have not named my parents or myself, so no one can read this and connect this with my family unless they were there. If I was naming them with the intention of embarrassing and shaming them, then my motive could be considered dishonorable. As it is, I am speaking the truth with as little possibility of causing a backlash to them that I can manage, and I do not see any dishonor in this.

John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

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Works of faith

Faith without works is dead according to scripture so what are these works? Are they the clothing you put on (or don’t put on)? Are they the jewelry you do or do not wear? Are they your hair style?

Are they loving as Christ loved?
Are they praying without ceasing?
Are they sharing the Gospel of Christ’s redemption?
Are they having a spirit of forgiveness?
Are they believing in God’s love and plan for your life?

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen and without faith it is impossible to please Him.

The first list can certainly be performed without the need for faith in anything more substantial than our own human desires.

The second list requires faith in God, that He is and that he is a rewarder of them who diligently seek Him.

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Life after 60 outside the cult

Some won’t like that I said cult but I could have said asylum 🙂 ok, my apologies to the more serious among us.

Anyway, I am finding life to be very peaceful, rewarding, joyful, and surprisingly kind to me. No lightning strikes, fear, intimidation, etc. God is still good, kind, awesome, a source of strength and rest. His Word is still true and still hidden in my heart and slowly untwisting from years of cult manipulation. I find it easier to pray and sense a caring God listening with love instead of the harsh, threatening, far away God from the legalistic church.

I find it increasingly easier to trust God and to trust others; having faith in His love allows me to believe others truly love me and infuses me with love for others, friend and foe.

The spirit of judging, both myself and others, comparing, ranking spiritually on a ridiculous legalistic scale is a thing of the past.

An old children’s song says it all “Have faith, hope, and charity, that’s the way to live successfully, how do I know the Bible tells me so”.

So 60 is good. Out of the cult is good. God is good. My heart is full and I am in love with God, family, friends, life in general and even see the possibility of loving those that despitefully used me. God bless us one and all.

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A New School

*WARNING: This contains material which may be triggering to some*

After much discussion with her new best friend, Mom decides that the conditions in our church can no longer be tolerated. We still go there ‘officially’, but start visiting other churches who have services on nights that our church doesn’t. One that we visited was an ultra-conservative Apostolic church that’s not affiliated with the UPC (United Pentecostal Church). The rules at this church are much stricter than the UPC rules even though their basic theology is the same. They viewed the UPC as too liberal.

At this point, we’re going to church at our ‘home church’ on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. We’re going to the Apostolic church on Saturday nights, and a nearby UPC on Thursday nights. (The nearby UPC church is the one that Mom’s best friend went to before they started coming to our church.)

Mom and this family decide that it’s time for them to start taking action against the demons infiltrating their churches. They “cast out a demon” from the preacher’s daughter’s boyfriend at the nearby UPC church when he comes up to pray during an alter call. The teenage guy shakes all over like a leaf and this is touted as evidence of the ‘demon coming out’. About 60% of the church members stand back in disbelief and disapproval of what is happening. Mom and her friend do another “casting out” in our home church to a visitor.

They receive some sort of ministerial censure for this, but I do not know the details. It resulted in the other family breaking away and starting their own Apostolic church. It begins as a tent revival in their back yard. Also during this time, Mom decides to stop homeschooling me, and to send me to the Christian school at the ultra-con Apostolic church that I mentioned previously.

The Apostolic church disapproves of Mom’s best friend and her family (believes they are demon possessed and still Satanists), and also of women preachers in general. Mom goes there and keeps quiet in order to be able to send us to the school, and goes to the other family’s church and preaches as a guest speaker the rest of the time. The result of this is that we go to church six times per week.

At this school, I remember getting in trouble several times. Once, because I went to school in a shirt with sleeves above my elbows. Another time, because I wore a hair barrette (jewelry). Another time, I didn’t want to testify during chapel when called on. When we got in trouble for things like this, we had to be prayed for at the altar until we were ready to confess our sin. If that took all day and no schoolwork got done, so be it. Another thing that we were punished for was “not working at our full potential”. I once got an 80% on a math test that the principal believed I was capable of making 100% on. He informed me that he was giving it to me again and if I didn’t get 100%, was was getting 10 swats. I got 85%. Fortunately, he was called out on an emergency while it was still being graded, and didn’t mention this again the next day.

During my time in this school, the ‘tent revival’ continued. One night, Mom and her best friend came to me and informed me that I needed to take all the children out of the tent and into the house and babysit them. I asked why and was told not to question, just do as I was told. So I did. I didn’t mind getting out of there. I had no idea that the events I was removed from that night would soon affect me in a devastating way.

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Becoming

Is it ever too late to become? We chuckle and see TV commercials now of older people talking about what they want to be when they grow up but really once one loses hope of growth, the only thing that remains is death. Is that also true in the spiritual realm? I think Paul voiced that thought many times in many ways.

I feel that many times in my UPC walk, we were encouraged to see the 3 step doctrine as the be all and end all to our salvation. Sure we were told to then keep the ‘standards’ and behave ourselves but the only potential for growth was in service or giving.

In life though, growth or ‘becoming’ only truly stops at death, whether a physical death or a spiritual one. While serving others and giving to the cause is many times noble, it is only a small part of growth. To grow, one needs to stretch, to attain, to reach, and to experience anew. Paul called it reaching for the ‘high calling’ that is in Christ Jesus.

There is so much to reach for in understanding God, Christ, even ourselves and our becoming. God is limited when our only plan has three finite steps and discourages or minimally encourages further growth.

To grow in our relationship to God, one needs the freedom to think, to study, to listen, to realize one’s insignificance but also to realize the potential in living and growing in relationship to an almighty God.

“Study to show thyself approved, a workman that need not be ashamed” – paraphrase from Paul’s writings.

God is not limited to any belief system, any edition of His word, any group of believers, any man-made doctrine, any interpretation proclaimed by fallible humanity.

God is beyond our human understanding. It is a big mistake to ‘make God in our own image’. Like Paul, our goal should be to be ever coming to a knowledge of the the truth.

Jesus loves me THIS I KNOW, the rest is to be discovered as I become and grow until like Paul I can say I have fought the fight and run the race and look for that reward.

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