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It’s bizarre that their trinity appears to be Father, Son, and Holy Bible. If something is not explicitly mentioned in the Bible then it is not allowed. End of discussion. They seem to forget that God also writes His truth on our hearts, and lives within us.

Here’s an example of how this would play out in the sect. I was abused by my ex husband for 10 years. When I finally came forward and told some of the elders what was happening (at the 9.5 year mark) I was both victimized further (extreme cruelty towards the victim does not sound like love to me) and told that abuse was not grounds for separation or divorce because it is not specifically mentioned in the Bible.

Why would my heavenly Father want me to be a situation where I am ill daily from migraines due to the stress? And where I am so depressed and anxious from daily living in fight or flight (or freeze) mode that I have no will to live any more. Where I have almost lost touch with reality because I am daily gaslighted and made to feel crazy. Isn’t this domestic “hell” that my ex-husband inflicted on me far worse than a single act of fornication (which is grounds for divorce as per Scriptures)? Why would my loving Father want me to be so ill that I can’t even pray or think of Him? So desperate that I cried out for Him to take my spirit home? It’s ludicrous.

That’s what religion versus relationship does. Religion says callously “the Bible doesn’t mention domestic abuse, suck it up princess, and live through this until the Lord comes. It is His will,” and relationship says “your loving Father wants you to be fully alive, free, joyous, fulfilled, healthy, loved, and intimate with Him and others.” Hopefully one day they will understand love and understand that that the trinity is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Hopefully the emotional and spiritual abuse heaped on domestic abuse victims by the Pharisee-like church will end.

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My family always had secrets. So did my church. There were things in both that were hidden, that were never to be discussed. I didn’t understand why not; they were just part of my life… normal. I didn’t know they weren’t normal to normal people. But oh, the rebuke if one of the secrets got out.

I responded to a grandparent’s question with a fact that was unexpected, and got in trouble because “we don’t talk about things like that!” But we do them, so why not talk about them? I wondered. I talked to a crisis center about being stalked. “How dare you talk about the church with those lesbians and make us look bad!” I didn’t make you look bad. I only found some recommendations for ways to make this situation safer for me, I thought.

In conflict resolution classes years later, I learned that one of the main reasons conflicts happen is because people are trying to protect their own image. And I realize that image plays an important role in abuse, too. Image. A facade, something to build and protect and defend, but not something real or tangible.

Secrets in my life were kept to protect image. Not my image, but that of the Others. The church, the family…

We lived, four people, in a two bedroom house. We weren’t allowed to lock the doors. There was never a time when I had space to myself. There was one drawer in the bedroom dresser that was for anything private of my own. Everything else… no secrets. No privacy, no place for myself. Mom listened in on my phone conversations, chats on the driveway with the neighbor kids. Don’t talk about that. I think it’s time you came in. They were just loving me, my parents. They were trying to keep me safe. Stop crying, Mary. If your best friend is a bully, just ignore her. Just make other friends.  No, they must have been loving me, must have been keeping me safe.

Church made sense. They told me what to wear and taught me what to think, what to say. They made decisions for me that I should have made for myself. They were just keeping me safe. My pastor was like a dad. That made sense — dads were like that, making decisions, wanting to know everything. Families were like that–keeping secrets, looking out for themselves, telling me what to do.

They weren’t safe, not really. They weren’t healthy in the long run. And somewhere in the process of surviving and being “good”, being what they wanted me to be, I lost sight of who I was. I’d like to know.

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The rapture doctrine was used to instill terror in me as a child and a teen. I’ve researched where this late doctrine came from and I don’t believe in this doctrine any more. For 1800 years Christians had never heard of the rapture theory. It is a fairly new “revelation.”

I used to get up in the middle of the night and tip toe down to my parents’ room to see if they were still asleep or if they had been raptured. I was terrified of being “left behind” even though I’d said the sinners’ prayer at least 200 times by then. God is a God of love and comfort and closeness. Not a God of fear. Hell and the rapture were preached to me as an infant. Not a good way to end up with a healthy psyche. I focused on the lake of fire and on the rapture, not on God’s love – because the whole environment was one of fear, control, shame, guilt.

It’s such a relief to know that there is no special rapture for believers. I know Christians are “divided” on this theological issue, but all I can say is, do your research about the person who invented this theory! It caused me years of anguish and terror and anxiety. When I met my husband, he told me about his similar fear of the rapture as a child. And my sister-in-law confided in me about it too. They were forced to watch the A Thief In the Night (a kind of 70’s “Left Behind”) video series as children. No child is emotionally ready for that level of fear. It is downright damaging.

I don’t freak out in sheer terror any more when I get home and the house is unexpectedly empty. I used to freak and think I was left behind. I know people who would make a phone call to a really “good” and “holy” Christian friend who most definitely had made the rapture cut and hang up when they answered, just to make sure that the rapture hadn’t happened. I have friends who are still afraid, and still do this.

It must grieve God’s heart that some of His children live in fear because someone made up a doctrine to control people and instill fear in their hearts. “ARE YOU READY FOR THE LORD’S COMING?” was a constant question in my childhood and teens and twenties. It used to baffle me. What did “ready” mean? How could I possibly be perfectly “ready” to meet The Almighty? I guess it was a fear-based question. I am now excited to meet Jesus because I know Him as a God of love. What a difference. Night and day. Because now I KNOW Him, not just know ABOUT Him. There is a big difference.

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In the sect that I was in until age 33, no questions were allowed to be asked that might threaten the tight religious control or their very narrow worldview. People of true and secure faith are not afraid of questions. But they were afraid. I was a naturally inquisitive and deep-thinking child. A true introvert. I had existential crisies – that was the type of anxious child I was. Therefore in this environment I grew more and more anxious and isolated because no adult would answer my questions, and they shamed me for even thinking them. I know now that the adults were afraid of my questions because they could not answer them or dare face their own doubts. Though they never admitted that they did not have answers. Some of the questions I had the courage to re-ask at about age 35, once I had left the control and the system of fear. Even then I didn’t get answers or an open dialogue. No conversation allowed.

Some examples of questions I would ask:
Where is heaven?
Why can we not adopt children from outside the sect? Why do you say that they are the devil’s children?
Why are we on this earth? What is the point of life?
How can Jesus hear me pray?
What will God do with hermaphrodites, who have both sexual organs? Will they burn in hell if they choose to be the sex that God didn’t intend?
If we will be in heaven with other Christians, then why cannot we socialize with them now?
Why does God only answer the prayers of the 1000 people in our particular group?
What about the books that never made it into the Bible?
Why can I not attend religious studies class at school? Why do I have to sit outside the classroom?
Why can I not attend the large school gatherings where a visiting pastor will say the Lord’s prayer? The other children in my class make fun of me for not believing in God, but I tell them that I do believe in God – which is why I cannot hear the Lord’s prayer being spoken by a pastor who doesn’t belong to my church. (I was very very confused about this one!)
If you think all Muslims will burn in the lake of fire eternally then why do you not attempt to evangelise to those Muslims you know? Do you not care that they will be tormented eternally?
Why would God, who is in essence love, create humans who he knows beforehand will spend eternity in hell? Why doesn’t he just stop them being born?
How do I know Christianity is true? What evidence is there?

I understand that many adults don’t have all the answers to these questions – I don’t either – but it was their reaction that was shaming. I was “bad” for asking. I was “bad” for having a mind of my own, for thinking critically. They didn’t say “oh, I’m not really sure” and discuss various options and answers, they blushed, and scoffed, and grunted, and left the room.

I lived with a deep shame until my late thirties because I thought there was something wrong with me for asking these questions. I had existential depression. I didn’t want to be alive. I was “bad”. Something was gravely wrong with me. I learned to be quiet and not ask questions. To follow blindly and to conform in silence.

About 6 months after I left the sect I had the courage to turn on the Christian radio station in our city (radio was Satan’s tool) and there was somebody doing a talk show from a Christian university who said that it is normal for people in their teens and twenties to question the faith of their parents and ask questions. He said they have counselors to help with this and to walk through all kinds of questions. I was driving on the highway at the time and almost swerved my vehicle in shock, and disbelief, and relief – I wasn’t a monster after all! A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. The lie that I was deeply defective started to subside. Often the parents’ shame and fear become the child’s and so the cycle continues. What a waste.

Why would God give us minds that are capable of thinking and reasoning if we are supposed to be “robots” who follow blindly and take everything at face value? Even when it goes against our God-given conscience? In fact, I think that doubt is a healthy part of faith – and can very often lead us into a deeper and more genuine faith. Actually, it was my keen and analytical mind that got me out of the sect – while all of my family members remain in – their refusal to entertain my questions didn’t work in the long run! I’m free!

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One of our readers, D.M., submitted this article and they wish to remain anonymous.

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With the “me too” campaign being highlighted on social media recently, I decided it’s time to stop the code of silence on this issue.

I just finished reading Daughter of Gloriavale and I was reminded that Christian cults are similar once you examine their conduct and core values:

(I speak from experience)

1. They have been exclusively chosen by God for a very important purpose.

2. They have more insight / revelation than other churches.

3. They have a strong leader who is to be obeyed and honoured and never to be questioned.

4. The leader claims to hear from God on behalf of the group.

5. Adherents are told to be “under the covering” or “submissive” to the leaders.

6. People who are seen to be “rebellious” or “independent” are disciplined, shunned or expelled.

7. There is a “group think” mentality and individual opinions are seen as causing disunity.

8. Any one opposing them is opposing God himself and are doing damage to the church.

9. People are categorised according to the level of commitment and money giving.

10. No such thing as confidentiality. Personal information is shared and interwoven into sermons.

11. People dobb other people to the leadership.

12. Leadership controls the relationships and tell people who that can and cannot associate with.

13. Sermons (or more like brainwashing sessions) and ministry sessions are designed to make people codependent on their leaders.

14. People are constantly told through the preaching that they are flawed. No one is ever good enough (except the leaders of course).

15. There’s little understanding of Gods grace and Christian values of love and compassion etc.

16. They have their own language and use terms and phrases exclusive to their group.

17. They do not utilise services outside their own flock (counsellors, psychologists etc.)

18. The leaders say horrible things about people who have left (eg: they are going to hell, or they have mental health issues etc.)

19. They take single Bible verses and use them out of context and create rules around them.

20. Leaving is traumatic because the people had become like an extended family. Suddenly they become aloof and a smear campaign is launched to tarnish that persons reputation.

21. Discipline and rebuke are widely practiced often during sessions where the leader acts in an intimidating manner.

22. There are codes of conduct and unwritten rules that you need to adhere to in order to become in the “in group.”

And that’s just the beginning.

There’s brainwashing, love-bombing, the judging, manipulation, control, and so many meetings and expectations to be heavily involved in programs, outreach and serving.

But just like other forms of abuse, we need to address it! Gone are the days when we brush this abuse under the carpet. We must talk about it!

Best advice I ever got was “head for the hills and don’t look back.”

There are other options. There are safe Christian groups and people to interact with who hold the Christian faith dear to their hearts without all the soul destroying practices of these cults. And there is also the option of having a break from the whole church scene altogether. Getting to know God for oneself without a mediator is very freeing. Remember it’s your life. Make choices that bring peace, joy and happiness.

I encourage the essence of the true Christian faith, and the values which Jesus Christ demonstrated when he came to earth. He mixed with the lowly, had compassion on the poor, had meals with some interesting people- but most of all He loved.

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