Category: questioning | Page 12 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

The fragility of truth

Someone told me today that he had come to the conclusion that “Orthodoxy is a fragile thing, which can be good. If it’s false, it can be easily dropped, and broken. But if it’s true, it must be constantly maintained.” I wonder if I misheard him. Because if what we believe is false, it can be easily dropped and broken, yes. But that is when it must be constantly maintained. Only the false is fragile. The truth, like fire, should not be so easily snuffed out.

It was an interesting comment and an interesting line of thought. Should the truth need to be constantly maintained? I don’t believe so. Truth will flourish on it’s own. The false, the insufficient will be easily broken or snuffed out, yes. Something closely related to that has been bothering me lately. After nineteen years of believing a certain way and giving my life to it, I find myself wondering what I believe.

I’m not sorry for the positive things that came of my life in Pentecost, but I don’t believe what I did just two months ago. I told someone not long ago that I haven’t left Pentecostalism, I’ve just grown beyond it. That is very true. It was good in it’s place and time, but there are deeper, richer places in God, and I’m ready to explore those.

So was what I believed false, that it could be easily broken? I can’t answer that yet. Is my faith broken or bigger now? I’d have to say bigger. Maybe in answering the second question, I’ve answered the first. So again I come to the thought that I haven’t left Pentecostalism, but I have grown beyond it.

Only what is false must be constantly maintained, in my opinion. Truth will stand on it’s own, and falsehoods won’t tarnish or change it. Truth is strong, but falsehood is weak and easily broken. Systems that encourage people not to look beyond their group’s way of thinking are maintaining something. But truth promotes growth, not maintenance.

The difference between falsehood and truth, to me, are like the difference between a spark and a bonfire. One can be easily snuffed; the other can burn for days without any human effort. So when I’m told if I miss a service that I’m “leaving truth,” when I realize that after 19 years that two months has totally changed my opinion on certain passages in the Bible… I have to wonder what I was maintaining all these years.

God made the mountains. He put the stars into space. He is truth. Truth doesn’t need to be maintained by humanity. Truth extends way beyond humanity. Who ever heard of maintaining a mountain? Or maintaining a star? So why, then, do we think truth must be fought over and maintained through such careful monitoring of every bit of information that passes our eyes? Truth will stand on it’s own. It isn’t fragile, and there is no need to maintain it.

There is no reason to fear that truth will break so easily. It should be treated respectfully, but even when left alone it will persevere. If a person is afraid that “truth” can be easily broken or lost, that is a very good sign that they are only maintaining an ideology, a mindset, or a thought pattern, rather than real truth and faith.

There Are No Standard Standards

There are no standard standards. Though often touted as God’s rules or commands, people become perplexed when they go to another church within the same organization and find differences in these teachings. Though my experience with this involves the United Pentecostal Church, it happens in other organizations.

You may have simply visited another church and observed the differences or perhaps you switched churches and are a member at a new church. Maybe you have become involved in an online discussion group and notice vast differences. Same group, different churches….. and different standards? How can standards change from church to church within the same organization, when they are taught as originating with God and the Bible?

Something is taught as wrong in one, yet wrong and a sin at another, but OK in yet another. One teaches only skirts and dresses on women, another specifies how much below the knee they must be, and another allows pants underneath in cold weather. Pants? That abomination is allowed? I thought once an abomination, always an abomination? How can it be an abomination in one church and yet not considered such in the other?

One forbids members to own a television and yet says nothing about members watching YouTube videos on smart phones. Another states all non-religious movies are off limits but some pastors have DVD collections of the latest Hollywood films. One shouts that all jewelry is wrong, even wedding rings, and another allows rings, pins and brooches.

One says a woman shouldn’t cut her hair for any reason but it isn’t a sin and another says you lose protection for your family and are lost if you do. Some teach you can dye your hair and others claim it is a sin. One allows facial hair on men and another forbids it. One says no make-up at all, that you are a Jezebel, and another allows basic foundation and cover-up. One demands sleeve length to reach the wrist, another to the elbow and yet another is fine with it between the elbow and shoulder. And the list goes on….

Aargh! It is enough to make the head spin! How can so many with ‘the truth’ be teaching so many versions of these standards, especially when they state this is what God says. Is God confused? Does He change his mind all the time? Is something a sin in one area, but ten miles away it isn’t?

These are some of the questions people face when they encounter all the differences. It is no wonder that questioning the teachings often starts with standards. They are anything but standard in their churches. If they cannot agree among themselves and get these right, what else could they be teaching that is faulty?

Unaskable Questions

Where I’m from, we weren’t allowed to ask questions about certain things. We were expected to ask the pastor who we should marry or at least if we could marry this person or that one. But we couldn’t ask basic questions about things that happened at church. So I’ve decided to list a few here. I reverence God and the things of God. These are a few questions I’ve had through the years. No offense meant to anyone… Just a few rather unorthodox thoughts.

If praise and worship are action verbs, why do we so often pray and say, “Jesus, I praise you. Oh, God, I worship you.” Why not just do it?
Why do we call dancing and leaping “shouting?” A shout requires a vocal response, preferably intelligible…
What is the screaming and squealing for in church? I scream when I’m afraid, not when I’m happy.
Does the quality of the sound system and the decibels it is cranked to really have anything to do with God’s anointing?
Why do we work so hard to “create an atmosphere where people can get the Holy Ghost” if God loves us and the Holy Ghost is His free gift?
Why, after working so hard to “create an atmosphere,” do all the kids at camp seem to pray through when we blow the circuits and the lights go out?
Why are we told to seek the free gift of the Holy Ghost? Most gifts I’ve ever been given were placed in front of me or into my hands by the giver. Rarely have I had to go hunt one down!
Why do camps and conferences seem so much more electrified and charged than weekly services in our home churches? God is the same everywhere, after all.
Why do some people think it is wrong to drink or smoke because we shouldn’t destroy the temple of the Holy Ghost, yet claim that God tells them to do things in worship that could damage the church property or could cause an accident that could hurt other people or themselves?

Witnessing: telling others about Jesus.
Testifying: telling others what Jesus has done for you.
Door-knocking: knocking on door after door and giving people an invitation to church.
Then why do we say we are going “witnessing” when we are just handing a card to people that open their doors?

Why does it take ten minutes to take prayer requests, and only a minute to pray for them all?

How many people who say they’ll be praying for a situation only mention it to God in passing once?

If we really have faith, should we pray for something for days or weeks, or should we just pray once and trust God for the answer? Why, when I have a need, is the first more comforting than the second? Do I think God will forget they prayed, or do I just enjoy the fact that people are thinking of me?

If God is our friend and Father, why do we talk to him so differently than we would a… well… friend or father?

If someone regularly came to me and said they could talk to me for the next 30 minutes, and then watched the clock the entire time… if they talked for the whole 30 minutes but never really said anything, if they yelled at me and made strange faces… I’d begin to think they were pretty rude fairly quickly.

What is wrong with doubt? John the Baptist doubted as he sat in prison. Peter doubted when he stepped out of the boat. Thomas doubted that Jesus had risen. What is wrong with admitting our doubts?

And last but not least, why are these questions unaskable? What is so intimidating about them? The fact that there are questions, or the answers to them?

“What, you too? I thought I was the only one.”

I have random thoughts as I read a quote from a famous person, or a passage in a book, or hear something while watching a movie and it triggers a thought about my former church or perhaps about spiritual abuse in general. Or it may just be a thought that pops unexpectedly into my brain or things that are talked about by others talking about spiritual abuse.

For example, I recently saw this quote: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another ‘What, you too? I though I was the only one.'” ~ C. S. Lewis.

It wasn’t the friendship part, but the “What, you too?” part that got me. When I first joined the spiritual abuse support group, I read a number of posts by many different people and could not believe the similarities between parts of my story and theirs. Many people had been through different situations than me, but still it was all the same in a way. People also told me that my story could be theirs.

I am not alone, I found out. It was not just me. So many of us knew something was wrong at church. But no one else wanted to talk about it. For me I knew to not speak it out loud. It seemed to be forbidden. Whatever it was, I thought I was the only one. So I kept it all pushed down out of mind. And so some of us stayed for years (18 for me) and accepted the abnormal for normal.

Now that I have been out for three years, I realize that some of the early ‘red flags’ I was getting, I should have paid more attention to. Hindsight is always better. Even when you consider yourself to be a rational person who would never get caught up in a cult-like organization.

So if you are here because you want to find out what in the world is going on and “is that really in the Bible?” remember, You are not alone.

Leaving Church

Over the past few years, I’ve looked at several of the various oddities within this church, the conservative movement I was a part of, and Pentecost as a whole. No one would answer my questions for a long time. The answer was always to go ask the pastor. When I asked the pastor I was told that I was rebellious or thought I was smarter than him. I was expected to accept what was preached as gospel, and never look to the gospel or the God of the gospel for answers beyond the pulpit.

I hope these are anomalies- that they are not common in Pentecost. But the more I have read, the more I realize that I’m not alone in my experiences.

For a long time I refused to consider leaving the church, because they preached Jesus name baptism, Holy Ghost, and holiness of dress. But questions about other teachings started creeping into my mind. After two separate incidents, a year apart, when I was accused and charged guilty of something without being given a chance to explain (or in the second case to even know what they were talking about), I started looking into the scriptures more thoroughly. I stopped reading the Bible, but if something seemed strange, I’d reference the passage and read it in several versions if need be.

Several things began to disturb me:

The belief that the pastor was always right, and that he could not be questioned.
The concept that if the pastor said to do something, it must be done.
Preference of one person over another.
Letting down on standards held for decades, while still arguing that others (who used the same reasons for letting down on other things) were wrong.
Making women lesser saints.
Not allowing women to be as involved.
Catch phrases that demanded a shout.
Rebukes for not shouting on catch phrases, or not shouting enough.
Meaningless songs with a few words repeated over and over and over and…

It’s sad, really. I didn’t want to leave, and I never thought I would stop believing certain things. I’ve wondered if I would have been better off if I’d left months or years ago when the problems started. I miss my church friends, but there weren’t that many of them. I miss church activities to a degree. But I’m not sad to leave.

I wonder what will happen now, where I’ll go or what I’ll do. Will there be a church I feel comfortable in? Where? When? Should I take time off from church or plow back into it? Should I go to a Oneness church or just let that go? Will I ever be able to marry now that I’ve left? Will I put too much emphasis on a new pastor, following the old, ingrained rules?

There are no answers to these questions, but I’m satisfied. At first after leaving I crammed on books about exit and spiritual abuse. I don’t feel like doing that now. Maybe I should- I’ve been told it takes years to work through the problems. Maybe I just wasn’t treated that badly, or maybe its just that somewhere I still believe that I’m not leaving God just because I walk out the doors of a particular church.

In that particular way, I feel miles ahead of the ministers and saints I’ve talked to. Almost all of them think I need a pastor and need this church. Not so. I need God. And my pastor is not my god, and my church is not my god. My God fills the universe, but also stepped into time and was crucified to a cross… and rose again. His grace is sufficient, and I’ll trust Him.