Category: performance based | Page 12

Trust Issues

After my initial fear of her, I came to adore my first grade teacher. She seemed to reciprocate that feeling throughout my first grade year. That summer, I missed her and at the beginning of the next school year, I couldn’t wait to see her. First chance was at recess and I happily ran up to give her a hug; she stopped me cold- “you aren’t in first grade anymore so you are not mine!” And pointing to my 2nd grade teacher, she said “now you belong to Mrs. Jones.” I remember walking off sorrowfully. I never trusted Mrs. Jones and never fell in love with her. I don’t even remember what she looked like.

My best friend cousin was just 3 weeks older than me. We were inseparable. When we were 8, she was killed in a freak train accident. I never had another friend as ‘best’ as Vicky.

When I was 10 we moved away. I missed my little neighborhood friend. We had done all kinds of mischief together. A few weeks later we visited the people renting our old house. Their daughter and my neighborhood friend played together as if I wasn’t even there.

The die was cast, for the rest of my life, trust would be hard for me. It didn’t help that I was in a legalistic church group that tied friendship to performance and forbid or discouraged it at will of the leadership.

To counteract what I feel is an unhealthy distrust of others, I am stalwart in my loyalty. I stand by a friend even if I never see them for years at a time and even if they are not as faithful to the friendship, as long as they are not mean, cruel, or ‘two-faced’ with me.

This past week I again encountered this phenomenon. My former director and I were very close but with both of us receiving promotions, she has moved on. As I walked cheerfully up to renew our friendship, it was obvious the relationship has changed. I later was told to limit our friendship because of business politics. Well, she made that easy- she probably got the message first and chose the easy way out. I would have limited the business side but fought for the friendship.

Anyway, as I tried to reason my way through what happened, these thoughts came to mind. I am stronger for what I have lived through. I don’t expect too much of others. I love and sincerely appreciate small kindnesses more than people realize.

I am happy and blessed and thankful for the ability to understand myself and why I am who I am.

It helps to put it in writing.

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Selective reading of the scriptures

It amazes me how my former church organization was able to justify reading the scriptures to support their doctrines and ignoring the ones that do not.

An example is “Man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart”. They interpret this to mean that God expects you to wear and not wear certain things, especially if you are a woman –say what???!!!

Another is “take no thought for what you should wear . . . something about how he clothes the birds, etc”. They interpret this as think very hard about what you wear and make sure it is approved by the church and pastor. Oh, and be sure to take hours on that hairdo and shopping is of course one of our only approved activities.

Then there are all the scriptures about love, including God is Love. They interpret these to mean love your brother and sister IF they are in ‘the truth’ and following all the rules very closely, but remember God is an angry God and you better be careful what you do, see, hear, say because you are one small step from eternal damnation! Oh, and remember all that gossip and meanness you pass around when a brother or sister slip up is really done in ‘love’ Yeah right!

Of course the scriptures about gluttony are completely ignored. They create an entire doctrine around one obscure scripture about hair while they walk around in their tonnage proclaiming their scriptural superiority.

Don’t even consider the scripture about the good Samaritan, if you see a poor soul in need, only pay attention if he/she can in some way promote the message of the church.

There is a scripture about humility, something about taking the low seat and perhaps being asked to move up being better than the other way around –well, that one they totally demolished. They create a whole table of high seats, usually related and God forbid anyone would have the nerve to question their right to be there.

There are more anomalies but you get the picture and isn’t it just sad?

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Mirror Images

The calls started last night. I can’t understand where the “saints” are coming from anymore, even though there was a time that I must have thought along the same lines. One lady called and asked what was wrong. She pushed me to come back to church, and I finally told her a little of what was happening (unethical or hypocritical situation). She told me that I needed to come back because things were going poorly at church. Not because we could change anything, mind you. No, she said I needed to come back so I could feel God!

Since when does my relationship with God depend on my location when I worship? Since when does my closeness to God depend on going to an unethical church? She asked where I planned to go instead, and I told her I wasn’t sure yet. This flipped her out. She told me there was nowhere else to go. Really? Then I would be quite satisfied not going anywhere.

Except there are places to go. Trinitarian (they are oneness), yes, but I never agreed with the concept they tout that Trinitarians serve three gods, or aren’t saved. Even if they are strict about the baptismal formula, I’ve already been baptized so why does it matter where I go now? Because I need to fellowship with believers? “Beloved, let us love one another.” “By their fruits ye shall know them.” “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, that ye have love one for another.” Should I go to a church that teaches Trinity but loves each other, or to a Jesus name church that backbites, gossips, and so forth?

I’m not happy about quitting church. I don’t know, someday maybe I’ll go back to a Oneness church, but not one like I’ve come out of. Maybe a really liberal one. But only if I’m comfortable with the rules. Only if there is no spying, no bragging from the pulpit, no abuse, no checking up on people. I want to be loved and accepted, to hear real prayers, and be able to trust people again. I want to meet sincere people who love God and believe He loves them, no matter what they have done or been, and who love each other the same way.

Isaiah 61
[1] The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
[2] To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
[3] To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

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Fallen from grace (spiritual competition in the church)

Maybe this is right. Maybe its a little off base. But I think there is more to it than a lot of people in my ex-church would like to admit. I really feel sorry for them. I remember what grace was like. I can find it again. Many of them never knew grace to start with, and don’t know what they are missing.

Falling from Grace
(spiritual competition)

On the way home tonight I was thinking…

The church I’m in is very conservative. They weren’t always this way. Several years after the church started, when it had started to grow fairly large, some people felt convicted over sleeve length. They went to the pastor and informed him of how they felt. He accepted this as their conviction. There was some stir after this about whether or not they should wear long sleeves at work if the dress code required otherwise (several of them worked for the same entity). The pastor was careful to say that they had the Holy Ghost, and as they walked closer to God they might develop stronger convictions. This, I’m sure, made them feel good about their convictions. Others began to follow suit, both to support those who were “fighting for their convictions” against their employer, and to show they were spiritual too. The employees won their case after a long fight. Several had lost their jobs though, and were seen as “persecuted for righteousness sake” because they lost their jobs “fighting for their (presumably God given) convictions.”

Over time, other “convictions” became established norms in this church. The pastor felt a conviction against hair bows. Weren’t they decoration, after all? Some saints came close to (or did fall into) fornication. Wouldn’t they have been safer had they had a chaperone, or if someone had told the pastor that they were in trouble? The people loved the pastor, and the pastor loved them. He was hard on them, but they were used to that. He pushed them to the limit spiritually. This was challenging and “worth the fight”. Competition grew, and gossip became more rampant.

A few people in the church became very spiritual as a result. They later backslid, but before they did, they were respected for a time. People emulated their “good” character. But it wasn’t good. Then they fell. The church lost about 30-40% of its members in a short time due to economic and political changes and people backsliding. This again increased the competition.

A Christian school was started, a new sanctuary built, and the church became better known. In the school, the same children saw each other six days a week for 14 years. The sanctuary was one of the best in the city, and was a source of pride. They were often told the building would be filled to capacity someday. It was considered great faith to believe this and visualize it and reach others to help fill it. There was also a pride in the fact that the church and pastor were well known. The saints traveled to some of the meetings the pastor preached, and noticed that not everyone carried the convictions they had been taught. They began to think that they were especially blessed people who had something many other places didn’t have. Spiritual competition had just been taken to a new level.

By the time I arrived, spiritual competition had become common place and was not thought of as abnormal. Third generation Pentecostals were now competing, much as their parents and grandparents had. There was a form of sibling rivalry amongst the saints, of who was most loved by the pastor and who spent the most time with him. Family member competed against family member, and group against group. People bragged about who was closest to the pastor and who had done what for him. This was considered normal, but was it? What happened to grace? Where did “love your neighbor” go? These were virtually absent. People were disappointed if the message was on love or grace, and preferred the messages on hell and damnation! These were the tapes they bought, the messages they shouted to, the ones they rehashed later over coffee.

What happened to grace? Many of them traded it for spiritual competition. But spiritual competition can’t save. Only grace can do that, and they had forgotten where to find it.

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Finding God in Spite of Men

My dad became the co-pastor of the church my grandfather pastored, and it was here that I spent the rest of my childhood. It is my understanding that they had the agreement all along that this would be the way that my dad would take over the church when my grandfather wanted to retire. This was to make sure there was no opening for the district to try to put in a pastor or influence the members.

It was during this time that I received the Holy Ghost, speaking in other tongues. I was eight years old, and had been “seeking” for a couple of years. The weekend before this happened, another little girl in the church had received the Holy Ghost, speaking in other tongues at a youth rally. I figured if she could do that, I could probably get it too. For me, there was nothing negative about this experience. It was wonderful in every way!

A few months before I had asked to be baptized, but my parents talked me out of it because they felt like I was just doing it because my friends were doing it. However, after that experience, I was allowed to be baptized. My grandfather baptized me in the name of Jesus. I know that I felt wonderful after being baptized!

However, even though we were little children, we were expected to pray for people in the altar, pray a full 30 minutes before church each service, and live “good holy lives.” It seems that before this point, I was not aware of the stipulations and rules about performance. After I received the Holy Ghost and was baptized, that burden begin to get heavier and heavier, as I slowly became aware of all the things “God expected” of me.

I remember one night during a very emotional service, my friend and I were falling out in the floor and rolling back-and-forth, because we had heard about the “old days” where people were “holy rollers.” Everyone was always “wanting to go back to the old paths in the old days.” I guess in our little minds we felt this was very spiritual. I remember one night during this time my dad “shouted”, which he rarely did, but when he was dancing, he turned over one of the pews on which a little boy was asleep. The child was not hurt, but did get dumped unceremoniously into the floor.

I remember one lady had difficulty giving up her cigarettes, even after being baptized and speaking in tongues. Several members of the church, including my parents, (which meant I was there too) stayed and prayed with her for hours, trying to help her “get the victory” over those cigarettes.

During those days, it was more common to have someone come to church who was “demon possessed“. When this would happen, and they would be trying to rebuke the devil out of this person, all of us children were sent into another room, presumably so the devil wouldn’t come out on us.

Very loud worship was encouraged, and if it was a really good service with a “real move of God,” people were usually dancing, having a “victory march”, “shouting”, or someone got the Holy Ghost. It happened a lot during that time.

I recall my dad getting frustrated with my grandmother, because during the long preaching, she would draw pictures for us on a tablet of paper and let us copy them. Once, my dad called her name out from the pulpit to rebuke her for drawing for us. It was not uncommon for him to call out certain children or teenagers who were not behaving during his preaching. Embarrassment seemed to be something he felt was effective for dealing with these kinds of problems.

As a shy child, I lived in fear of being called out in this way. It was very mortifying for me to have attention drawn to me negatively. I was very sensitive as a child, and a simple rebuke in private could bring me to tears. These public humiliations were a nightmare for me, and I did my best to avoid them at all costs.

Eventually my grandfather handed the church over to my father. He and my grandmother moved to another city to retire, and attended the church of my uncle, who was not United Pentecostal, but independent Oneness Pentecostal.

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