Category: unhealthy churches | Page 6

Why did you call it the UnBoxing Project?

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on March 6, 2015 as part of a series.

Continued from The Trouble With Freeing People.

Editorial Note: I re-wrote this post in January 2024 to better reflect what I now know about social justice and systemic oppression in the last decade since I left fundamentalism.

When I moved out of my restrictive home environment and was kicked out of the cult my family was in, other friends in similar circumstances told me what they were dealing with.

I realized I wasn’t alone in my experience.

Unfortunately, there were many other young adults and college students in their early 20s from Christian fundamentalist or other religious backgrounds in Colorado Springs who lived with their families in high-control situations, just like I did.

I would alert the same network of friends who supported me, enlisting their aid. We offered them emotional support and resources or actually organized a plan to help them move out on their own.

My best friend in college, Cynthia Barram, who is black, said our network of friends helping friends to escape abusive situations was like an “underground railroad.”

However, we did not want to appropriate that name from the BlPOC community, although we shared a deep admiration for people from marginalized communities who risked everything to find their own freedom.

Our experiences were definitely not the same as those whose ancestors experienced enslavement and the generational trauma of racism.

Although ex-fundamentalist Christian homeschool alumni may experience the marginalization of disability, neurodivergence or chronic illness as the result of childhood toxic stress from living with long-term abuse and having a high score of adverse childhood experiences (ACE), we wouldn’t want to compare our experiences to other marginalized groups.

Homeschool kids often read a lot of history.

Unfortunately, we often were taught incorrect or biased history, but we also grow up resonating with historical figures like Harriet Tubman or Corrie Ten Boom or other people that we are told are heroes of our faith. People who made brave choices against all odds. My siblings and I often pretend re-enacted scenes from history that we read about. This experience I’ve found is common among those who grew up homeschooled.

Before bedtime, my mom used to read us Laura Ingalls Wilder books (yes, we now know these books have issues) and Christian historical fiction set during the Civil War like the Between Two Flags series. I read biographies about Corrie Ten Boom and the Hiding Place, did a research project on Underground Railroad in 6th grade, and devoured historical fiction like the deeply problematic and patriarchal Elsie Dinsmore series.

Two of my homeschooled friends at the Independent Fundamental Baptist church that my family attended in Dallas wrote their own Civil War historical fiction novel during our early teen years, distributing serialized chapters after church each Sunday.

I grew up wanting to lead people to freedom like Harriet Tubman or hide people in my own home like Corrie Ten Boom. None of us faced oppression like the enslavement or massacre of an entire people group.

But I had always connected with these narratives, and my friends did, too.

We weren’t immersed in popular culture, so we felt closer to people we read about from long ago more than our own time.

We liked the idea of people who couldn’t tolerate the injustices they observed and helped other regardless of the cost or risks involved.

In dealing with the abuses in our own community, we wanted to give shelter to those who needed it, until they found their own freedom.

My friend Kyle, who worked at a non-profit to prevent human trafficking called The Exodus Road, said that the number of young adults from this type of background being denied agency by overbearing parents is troubling.

We ended up calling our network The UnBoxing Project because my friends and I nicknamed the Christian fundamentalist homeschooling cult environment that we left behind “the box.”

Sometimes I’ll say things like, “back when we were in the box, they used to say that any music with a syncopated beat was demonic” or “People in the box think that Cabbage Patch dolls are evil,” and my friends know exactly what I’m talking about.

It’s a convenient way to refer to cult-speak and teachings of the cults that we escaped.

Helping others to leave abusive fundamentalist Christian environments is undoing what “the box” did to them.

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There’s No Such Thing As Dragons Giveaway #2

It is time for another book giveaway! This is only open to those with a USA mailing address.

This is your chance to receive a new copy of There’s No Such Thing As Dragons: Examining The Theology of The United Pentecostal Church by Jonah McElhaney. It covers aspects of the United Pentecostal Church such as Oneness, uncut hair for women, holiness standards, and their teachings on salvation. At just under 200 pages in the paperback edition, this is Jonah’s first book, being published last month.

Jennifer Brewer, author of Free: From Legalism to Grace Breaking Out of the United Pentecostal Church, had this to say about There’s No Such Thing As Dragons:

After spending most of his life in the United Pentecostal Church the author examines the theology of the UPCI. By drawing on his own experiences and examining the teachings of Scripture with the teachings of the UPCI, the author shows that the imaginary dragons that were placed in his life to prevent him from venturing out too far away from the doctrines were not real. The hope is for others who see the issues within the United Pentecostal Church but have been too afraid to question or examine the theology that they too will see that there’s no such thing as dragons.

If you have already read his book, please consider leaving a review or star rating on Amazon as it would be greatly appreciated. Reviews count more and can give others a better idea of the book contents and if it helped you.

This giveaway is a drawing. To enter, just leave a comment to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on June 20, 2023 at 6pm (eastern time), after which I will draw the winner. Be sure to check back to see if you have won, as in the past some people have not responded after winning and so a new winner had to be drawn. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it, so be sure to watch your email and check the spam folder.

There is absolutely no cost to enter. Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as they require approval when you are commenting for the first time.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers and support group members.

You can follow Jonah at his blogs here and here. Also, Amateur Faith Night had Jonah as a guest recently when they discussed Authentic Trinitarianism versus Oneness Pt 1 & Authentic Trinitarianism versus Oneness Pt 2.

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Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

There’s No Such Thing As Dragons Book Giveaway

It is time for another book giveaway! This is only open to those with a USA mailing address.

Jennifer Brewer, author of Free: From Legalism to Grace Breaking Out of the United Pentecostal Church, had this to say about There’s No Such Thing As Dragons:

After spending most of his life in the United Pentecostal Church the author examines the theology of the UPCI. By drawing on his own experiences and examining the teachings of Scripture with the teachings of the UPCI, the author shows that the imaginary dragons that were placed in his life to prevent him from venturing out too far away from the doctrines were not real. The hope is for others who see the issues within the United Pentecostal Church but have been too afraid to question or examine the theology that they too will see that there’s no such thing as dragons.

This giveaway is a drawing. To enter, just leave a comment to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on June 12, 2023 at 6pm (eastern time), after which I will draw the winner. Be sure to check back to see if you have won, as in the past some people have not responded after winning and so a new winner had to be drawn. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it, so be sure to watch your email and check the spam folder.

There is absolutely no cost to enter. Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as they require approval when you are commenting for the first time.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers and support group members.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Alicia’s Journey In & Out of the UPC: No Tongues – No Heavenly Admittance Allowed Pt 3

The following is part three of a six part guest series from Alicia Sounier Dwivedi, a former United Pentecostal Church member. See Part 1 and Part 2.

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After leaving Bible College I still attended our United Pentecostal church for a good many years, and stayed faithful despite my lack of understanding. I was still just hoping when I died I would squeak into Heaven somehow. Looking back, I can see I was like a whipped puppy with its tail between its legs, hoping my master would be happy to see me instead of throwing me into a lake of tormenting fire for all of eternity.

Side-note…I’ve become an annihilationist, which believes a soul is not tormented in Hell for eternity. We believe the mortal body will die a second death in Hell after being judged for sin, and then that person will be dead for all of eternity. After all, Jesus said there would be a second death in Hell, and not a second life suffering for all of eternity. Here’s a link to this beautiful truth that our Lord is not a tormentor just because people reject him…scripture after scripture after scripture pointing out this very fact.

During my late 20’s my mom and I moved away from our church in Augusta to live in Northern Maine. Up north we attended a very small Pentecostal home church during our couple of years there. It was during this time I realized something about myself – I was really good at taking notes during services (writing down verses mentioned and small phrases to remind myself what was said about that verse). What I wasn’t good at was studying subjects out thoroughly. I wanted to make a change.

At some point the UPC had made and handed out to their people a laminated pamphlet that stated at the top of it, “I’m Pentecostal because”… Then below was listed phrases like, “I don’t wear pants because,” and the scripture locations for this subject. “I don’t wear jewelry because,” and then associated scriptures with jewelry. The list went on and on to cover two sides, but the interesting part is it started with what women were to do and not do.

As I determined to sit down and study out a subject I became confused with the very first scripture reference about why a woman wasn’t allowed to wear jewelry. Not only was a phrase lifted out of the verse, but other phrases were completely ignored! If this verse was to be taken at face value, then not only was jewelry not to be worn, but in addition to jewelry then neither was the color red to be worn, taking a bath, wearing fine leather sandals, doing your hair, and the list goes on and on. I WAS SHOCKED.

So I moved on to the next subject – why a woman shouldn’t dye her hair. Answer = one cannot make their hair black or white. WHAT?!?! This was the only verse on why we shouldn’t dye our hair? Well, neither can I make myself short or tall, but I wear heals. Neither can I make my hair curly or straight, but I sure do perm my hair and then straighten it with a straight iron sometimes. I couldn’t believe what I was actually reading. The UPC’s own pamphlet was the beginning of the end for UPC life for me. The scriptures themselves began to move me away from what I’d always been taught…BUT STILL I HAD AN ISSUE WITH TONGUES.

In my early 30’s I moved away from Maine to Michigan to marry the love of my life. When I moved here I found a UPC church to attend sometimes. The people there were (and are) very kind and loving. However, I felt I would never fit into a UPC crowd anymore. Because my standards were changing, I didn’t ‘look’ the part. I would never be asked to be used in any type of ministry because I didn’t ‘look’ the part. I was actually very grieved in my heart because I didn’t know what I was anymore. I couldn’t call myself Pentecostal as I no longer ‘looked’ the part. How many times do I have to say this? It didn’t matter that I held to all other beliefs. My outside standards weren’t up to par, so I would never truly fit in no matter how much I tried.

Once I had my own child I knew I didn’t want her growing up in a place where she would not fit in. I wanted to find an alternate church, but literally had no clue where to go. I WAS SCARED. I was afraid of being misled. I was afraid of false doctrine. I was afraid of finding a church where I ‘looked’ like I fit in, but it would be a ‘dead/dry’ church. So for many years I went nowhere, all the while still grieved in my heart that I would probably not make it to Heaven when I died.

The UPC does a fantastic job of circling the wagons around its own, giving them a false sense of security in their ‘full revelations’ of ‘no-error’ doctrine. No one has the full truth except them, which makes literally everybody else spiritually dangerous to the ‘real’ saints. Once a person leaves the UPC they don’t know who to trust. At times I truly felt I needed therapy because I would have such tormenting thoughts rolling around in my mind, yet I didn’t know who to go to for help.

I didn’t think anyone would truly understand me if they didn’t have some sort of UPC background. So I didn’t end up going to anyone with my troubles. Now I know of many others who are so traumatized by their experiences in the UPC that they have to take anti-anxiety meds before services just to be able to get through them. Others I know of for sure have had to go to therapy due to their Pentecostal church experiences. Why is this? Does this sound like overcoming lives? Why all of this mental hardship? Answer = legalism vs faith. When you are taught you have to constantly earn your salvation in a variety of ways, it becomes horrifically burdensome when you feel like you cannot measure up.

At 41 years old I remember time and again holding my little baby girl and feeling such love for her overwhelm me. Tears would roll down my cheeks just looking at her, and I wanted to give her every good and wonderful gift in life. In fact, when she was three months old, I was holding her and bawling my eyes out. When my mom saw my face, she asked me what in the world I was crying about so badly. No joke, I was having ’empty-nest’ syndrome. I couldn’t stop crying because my little girl was growing up too fast, and would leave me in about 18 years!

This would oftentimes bring my thoughts back to God who was supposed to love me even more than my all-consuming love for my daughter. How could he withhold a precious gift from me that he said he’d freely give? Why would he make me beg? Was there something so wrong with me that he wouldn’t accept me? What did I need to do in life to make him love me enough to give me the Holy Ghost? I’d dedicated years of my life to God, and the only other thing I could have done to show my sincerity was to probably become a nun…I was literally clueless.

So for many more years I didn’t know what to do in aspect of understanding God any better. To me he was confusing and his word was confusing. I don’t know how I loved him with my whole heart for so many years, yet was so terrified of him at the same time. In all these years I never walked away from him though. I just sat and did nothing, waiting for some relief in my soul.

When I was 44 I finally did something I had been scared to do for years – I went to a non-denominational church in my local area. I’d been debating it for months, but was scared to take that first step. Being so hyper vigilant against anything that wasn’t UPC had really done a good job of making other churches seem lost and not of God. I remember various quotes like, “they can be sincere, but sincerely wrong,” and “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” being said of other Christians. You see I was taught the UPC only had FULL truth. Other churches may have partial truth, but it’s not full truth. Therefore you can never go backwards to other churches because then you will be backslidden. What does backslidden really mean? It’s not what we were taught in the UPC, and it’s definitely not meant to be applied to someone who walks away from the UPC or any other denomination. If you’d like to know more, click on this link.

So one Sunday morning here I am sitting towards the back of this large church. Full of both suspicion and hope, I watched people mingling while waiting for the service to start. I was on high alert! The song service starts, and within moments I feel my familiar friend, Jesus, touch my heart. Tears begin coursing down my cheeks as I realize he’s in this church too, and these people aren’t ‘dangerous’. They want to be closer to God too – just like me.

This church wasn’t as demonstrative as a Pentecostal church is, but that was OK. I didn’t need whooping and hollering to feel like God was in the midst of the people. At one point during the song service a lady started giving a message in tongues, and boy was I amazed. Gifts of the Spirit were here too! Then the interpretation came, and it was at this very point in my life God began opening my heart to HIS truth. I will describe to the best of my ability what I remember from the interpretation of tongues. It was very powerful and moving. God’s message was this; “YOU ARE MY CHILD, AND YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY CHILD. THE DEVIL HAS TRIED TO DECEIVE YOU AND TAKE YOU FROM MY HAND, BUT YOU WILL BE WITH ME IN HEAVEN, YOU WILL BE BY MY SIDE FOREVER.”

There was more to it than this as the lady interpreted for probably a minute, but I cannot remember exact details. The interpretation was so emphatic and full of authority. I felt God was speaking directly to me and addressing the doubts I’d had about him and salvation literally all of my life. However, a little seed of doubt began to sprout up…”what if this message wasn’t for me, but for someone else here?” Then the pastor got up and explained to the congregation what the gift of tongues and interpretation were, and why they had taken place. You see – this didn’t happen SO OFTEN at this church. The pastor had to explain it!

This confirmed this message indeed was from God to me on my very first visit at this church. God knew I needed something from him, and he gave it to me…HE GAVE IT TO ME! I still didn’t understand why I didn’t speak in tongues, but knew from that point on I didn’t have to fear going to hell anymore because I wasn’t able to ‘perform’ in tongues.

At 45 years old I began to be set-free from a mindset of fear. An unexpected variety of people were about to enter my life who would make the word of God plain. I am completely changed, and my life will never be the same! As I gradually began to understand from all of my studying, the beautiful peace of God began to wrap itself around my bruised heart and mind. My idea of who God was, and how he’d been dealing harshly with me began to change as I saw he was more loving and kind than I had been led to believe.

Legalism and erroneous doctrine had made his nature very harsh. This is now not the God I know and love with my whole heart. I’ve gone from confusion while reading my Bible to not being able to have enough study time. Now this doesn’t mean I don’t run into confusing things. I enjoy listening to teachings on a variety of subjects, and have found AMAZING people who rightly divide the word of truth. You know what’s become really fun? DEBATES! You want a fully rounded view on a subject? Listen to a debate, and then make up your own mind. You don’t have to be forced to agree with anybody or believe EVERYTHING they teach. God lets us make up our own minds on a large variety of issues, and his Spirit convicts and teaches us where needed.

NOW I feel God’s yoke is easy and burden light. NOW I can go to him without feeling like a whipped puppy. NOW I know I am a beloved child of God. NOW I don’t fear hell in the least. In fact (this may sound a little weird) I get excited tingles from time to time thinking that when I die I will get to see my Jesus face to face with no fear. No more squeaking into Heaven for me!
You know what else is easy? Speaking to others of the hope that is in me. I no longer feel inadequate. If God can do this for me, then he can do it for you too.

Deanna Jo of Responsible Faith interviews Alicia:

See Part 4.

Sacrifice, Salvation and Security

Purpose: To understand the power of the cross limitations (if any) of grace.

Sacrifice

Leviticus 17:11 explains the purpose of blood sacrifice, “For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life.”

We see in Isaiah 59:2 that “It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore.” Because of our sins, we had no connection to God, nor any hope of ever being connected, unless there was a blood sacrifice, which was the price of forgiveness. Hebrews 9:22 says “For without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness.”

The only way we could be forgiven was through blood. So, Jesus, being the only sinless one, the Son of God, died in our place so that we could be forgiven by his substitution–sacrifice for our sins. 1 Peter 2:24 shows that “He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right.” I Corinthians 5:21 says, “God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin so that we could be made right with God through Christ.”

Because of Jesus dying as a substitute for us, our sins are forgiven and we take on His righteousness when we become believers. Matthew 26:28 says that Jesus proclaimed, “for this is my blood, which confirms the covenant between God and his people. It is poured out as a sacrifice to forgive the sins of many.” I Corinthians 5:19 explains, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them.” Romans 5:9 agrees, “Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him!” Ephesians 1 also points out that “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace”

There are so many verses that point to these truths that it is impossible to share them all here.

Salvation

What then is salvation? He died for our sins, so does that just immediately make us all saved? What do we have to do?

In Acts 16:30, a man asked this very question of Paul and Silas, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” This was their very simple answer: “They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, along with everyone in your household.”

These people believed, and then they chose to be baptized, but the passage doesn’t hint in any way that the choice for baptism was mandatory to their salvation. In fact, in verse 34, there is no mention of the baptism having any bearing on their joy or their salvation, saying “he and his entire household rejoiced because they all believed in God.“(emphasis added)

Romans 10: 9-10 further explains, ” If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved.” (emphasis added)

Ephesians 2:8, written to the believers in Ephesus states, “God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.” (emphasis added).

Although many of us were taught, or even indoctrinated to believe there was a whole list of things you had to do to be saved, these verses and many more make it clear that God wants our faith in the work of the cross…nothing we can do can save us…not baptism, not living a certain way, not anything.

Last year, several family members and acquaintances died. All were from the generation before mine, all still in the apostolic belief I grew up in. I went to two different funerals, and both were very sad, not only because of losing the loved one, but because of the things that were stated and believed by the majority of those who were at the funerals.

At my own mother’s funeral, my dad (a pastor) insisted on giving the message at the graveside. His entire admitted purpose for his small sermon was “to state the salvation message that some here may not have another opportunity to hear”. As I listened to what he was saying, it struck me anew how unbiblical it all was, and I was filled with sadness for the people who continue to believe it. He said that, “in order to ever see” her again, one had “to repent, and be baptized (using a certain formula), and …..and…..and live a life of holiness (a key phrase meant to imply dress standards)….and…submit to a pastor.”

As I listened, I knew that there were people there who, knowing I no longer belong to this group, were watching my facial expressions. When I first found my place, sensing what was coming, I looked at one of the roses on the casket, noting how beautiful it was, and I allowed my face to reflect the emotion the rose evoked. Then I froze my face in that exact expression, not allowing any change of emotion throughout the entire graveside service.

Yet, inside myself, as I listened to this proclamation of “how to be saved”, inside my head, I was hearing the strong refrain, “Nothing but the blood of Jesus! What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! What can for sin atone? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Naught of good that I have done. Nothing but the blood of Jesus!” I wondered, as I sat there, if my dad has ever stopped to think about what he is saying, or noticed how many “and’s” he added on.

I felt sad for my dad, and for all of the people who follow this teaching. I grew up in this church and didn’t leave until I was nearly forty years of age. I know and love many of these people, who are sincere, but so very “beat down” in their general demeanor. Somehow, they keep striving, and it is never enough. It will never be enough. God sees their works, their weariness, and their anxiety. I’m sure it makes Him sad too, watching those He loves so dearly, as they try to earn what He already freely gave.

Instead of understanding that there is not one blessed thing they could ever do to earn it, they are like the proverbial donkey with the carrot on a stick in front of them, continually toiling for something they can never obtain.

Jesus already did everything that was necessary to save. Our efforts are useless and frankly, disgusting. We can’t earn it or ever do enough. It is actually insulting to think that we devalue what he did by thinking we can somehow do enough to earn our way to heaven.

There is no “and…and…and” about it. It is simple, and in that simplicity, there is actually awe. It requires a lot of faith to really understand that we are completely and totally dependent on trusting God completely and trusting in the blood of Jesus to cleanse us from sin and save us. It requires us to rest in that hope and to stop our thrashing about and striving so hard to do something that is not humanly possible.

Our attempts at righteousness are, to God, as “filthy rags” Isaiah 64:6, speaking of the sinfulness of humanity, points out ” When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags.” Filthy rags stink. They are gross. They need to be washed. They are not fit to be placed at the table.

The only way we can be saved is to have our sins washed by the blood of Jesus…through faith in the work on the cross.

Security

Seeing what sin did to us, and understanding the purpose of the sacrifice on the cross leads us to salvation, but what happens after that? We are still human. Temptation is all around us, and we aren’t perfected. What happens when we sin again?

Some groups teach that every time we sin, we are again separated from God. They say that this requires us to repent (turn around and go the opposite direction) again and to re-experience the cross through prayer and a contrite attitude.

On the surface, that sounds legitimate. However, what happens if we suddenly die after making a sinful mistake and we haven’t had time to repent or pray?

Last May, when I was with my sweet, gentle momma, I saw her in dire emotional distress as she neared death. This experience forced me to begin contemplating this issue in a new way.

We’ve heard all the stories about the saints of God and their confidence and faith, dying peacefully. Because of those stories, (which I’d always believed, even if that seems naive), I fully expected to see that in this case.

Although mom did eventually find a peaceful death, I was very troubled by witnessing the extreme anxiety experienced as she first realized this was the end.

I saw clearly a conflict between sorrow of leaving loved ones behind, and the desire to see ones gone on before. This was something that I’d not considered before, but now know is a normal part of dying. Love hurts, even in death.

Beyond that conflict, I witnessed something that I had never imagined possible for my mother. She was awash in true fear about whether or not she was ready to go.

Mom had been serving God since she was a child. Although imperfect as any human, she was extremely contentious, and had never once turned away from her Christian beliefs or her service to God. My mother was widely known to be a very sweet, loving, and gentle soul who generally exhibited the fruit of the Spirit.

Yet, as she lay, suddenly aware that death was imminent, she cried out to God in fear and anxiety, asking Him to forgive her, over and over. She was yelling out for hours, begging for God to help her be holy. No amount of reassurance from my dad (whom she considered her pastor) or others was enough in that moment to calm the intense anxiety.

The experience was so troubling to me, that I have been haunted by it ever since. She had lived her entire life in a legalistic environment, as her dad was also a pastor in the same belief.

Obviously, I too grew up in the same. I remember often worrying that I’d forgotten to repent over some negative thought, or had somehow overlooked a failure that would “send me to hell”. It used to continually concern me that I’d somehow not done enough, despite my efforts. I recognized her anxiety and fear for what it was.

In the moment, my sister and my father were also aware of the nature of mom’s fears–for dad repeatedly tried to reassure her, then laid hands on her and rebuked the spirit of anxiety. By the time she had passed on, they had re-framed what occurred, altering it to fit with their beliefs. At the funeral, it was described that she “travailed for the lost for eight hours straight”. Those of us who had actually witnessed what happened knew the truth. Although she (believing that my sons and I are “lost”) did use some of that time praying for us to be saved, a large portion of the time was undeniably her own anxiety about being saved.

In this high control religion, indoctrinated with the teachings, we saw God as continually frowning down, constantly aware of any misdeeds. We pictured his frown of disapproval, because that is what was emphasized in our environment.

Knowing what I know now, I was filled with deep sorrow for my sweet, sensitive mother. She was denied the peace and assurance that she was headed straight into the loving arms of God. False doctrine had robbed her and left her afraid. I could not help thinking of 1 John 4:7-19.

Here are some excerpts (in bold is the specific portion that came to my mind as I stood by my mother and held her hand). “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love. God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. All who declare that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love….as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.”

In light of this passage, it is heartbreaking that someone could live almost seventy years showing the love of God, and still be so afraid of being lost.

As I witnessed her fear on that day in the hospital, I remember feeling such sadness and pain, watching her struggle, and knowing that it stemmed from legalistic beliefs about salvation and works. Now, I’m angry. I’m angry to think how peace, love, and joy was stolen from her by years of false doctrine. She knew nothing else. It makes me angry to think of her mental anguish over such an untruth.

I knew my opinion was not welcome in the family, as everyone in the room (outside of me and my boys) was part of the legalism. Toward the end of the day, I had the opportunity to stand right at the head of her bed, with my mouth close to her ear. As she cried out anxiously “God, make me holy,” I’d had enough of trying to “go with the flow”. I quietly whispered in her ear, “you already are holy! The blood of Jesus has already made you holy!” I began to quietly sing a song that one of them had written long ago “I can come to Him boldly, stand in the Holy of Holies. His blood has made me worthy. I can come boldly unto the Lord.”

Hebrews 13:12 states, “So also Jesus suffered and died outside the city gates to make his people holy by means of his own blood.”(emphasis added)

It is incomprehensible to me that a God of love would want one of his precious saints who had always loved him and shown his love to others to suffer the anxiety and distress of coming to the end of the road, feeling as if they still were “not good enough“.

Of course, none of us are good enough by human effort. Still, if our faith is truly in God’s work on the cross, would He not want us to have peace in our passing?

Romans 5:1 “Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.” (emphasis added). This shows the power of our faith in him…not our faith in our own service to him.

If it is His work on the cross that saves us, then putting our faith in anything other than His perfect work on the cross is wrong. It is insulting to the suffering of Jesus on the cross to think we can do anything beyond what He has already done. Ephesians 2:8-10 teaches that, when we trust in our own works (any effort we put forth) for salvation, we are taking away from the work on the cross.

It is the shed blood of Jesus that substitutes for our death. His sacrifice on the cross makes us sinless before God.

So what about besetting sins?

In my above example, my mom had done her best to follow God, as she understood him, all her life. She had worried and fretted over every possible sin and had lived a life of contriteness.

Not everyone lives this way though, and at this point, it seems to me that living as she was indoctrinated to live is perhaps even dishonoring to God, because of the level of fear and anxiety that is present. If we love God and if understand his love perfectly, would there be such a constant fear of displeasing him?

Then, where do we draw the line? Because there is grace, does that mean we just live however we want to live, with no regard for right and wrong? Once we have faith in his work on the cross as the only saving power, does it mean we are sinless in his eyes no matter what we do from that point forward?

(to be continued)

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