Category: unhealthy churches | Page 153

Ministering and spiritual gifts

I had a dream last night that I was back in a church like the unhealthy ones I’ve been part of. In the dream, though I didn’t really know anyone, I was asked to “do” a banquet–big decorations, some of the food, all of the set up. In my dream I accepted because I was being chosen to minister. As I was decorating, other were coming to interrupt, telling me they needed things. I told them I had to complete my tasks. (The things they were asking for were petty and whiny, so I still don’t have a problem with having said no.) I drug stuff all over the place, decorated everything, cooked three dishes, got the plates and food ready to be served… and no one would eat. The pastor’s wife then announced that she had prepared individual plates of food already, which would be of more interest. I felt like I’d failed at ministering to everyone because they wouldn’t eat.

When I woke up, I realized something that it’s taken nearly 30 years for me to realize. NEVER, in all the times I was asked to serve in any capacity that was beyond what should have been asked of me or was beyond my talent, was I being looked at for ministry (which is what I’d always hoped, that I’d somehow become part of the inner circle). Ministry at these churches was considered being a pastor, pastor’s wife, church leader, singer, musician, or great speaker. I was (and never would become) any of those.

They didn’t choose me for ministry because there were plenty of people to speak and sing and do all of those things. Those came with position and recognition and praise and were far more sought after. Besides, others got a better emotional response from people. They were respected more highly for ‘letting the Holy Ghost move through them so powerfully.’ I wasn’t good at evoking emotional responses from others, but even when I did, they said it wasn’t enough. Instead, they asked me to do the ‘dirty work’, the behind the scenes, often overwhelming tasks that they either didn’t want to do or wanted to show me or others they could do better, whether I was any good at them or not. It never once occurred to me that whether anyone said it or not, I was letting the Holy Ghost work through me every time I bent over backwards trying to do everything that was asked of me with a right attitude, and every time I did these things because I loved those I was serving.

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I’ve been to churches that took the spiritual gifts assessments since leaving my unhealthy group, and I’ve run away fast. I don’t want them to know that one of my gifts is giving. I don’t want them to see that I’m a responsible, ethical, independent person who will do way more than any one person should be asked, just to get a job done and just to ‘help’. I know what happens when the wrong people find this out, and I know in the end I feel wrung out and walked over… and too often put down and insulted because I either ‘didn’t do enough’ or didn’t do ‘it’ right.

The thing is, no gift and no ministry should be about someone tagging you to do EVERYTHING. No gift or ministry should leave you burned out and used up. Gifts and ministries are meant to be used cooperatively with others’ gifts and ministries and should leave all of you feeling energized and complete, even if you are exhausted (which sometimes does happen in a good way).

Still, my former church had it wrong. They would say of singers and speakers that ‘the Holy Ghost move through them powerfully’ when the crowd had an emotional response and overlooked those whom the Holy Ghost moved through powerfully, not for a few minutes but for hours and days as they poured themselves into their tasks and into others because they loved God and others or even just because they were willing.

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Fear of Being Judged

Will I ever lose the fear of being judged by that group?

This is a question that is often asked when a person leaves an unhealthy church. Often it is in relation to the various standards that are taught.

If you have recently left, you shouldn’t be tough on yourself in this area. This will subside and should stop over time if you sort through the various issues and become confident in what the Bible truly teaches about them.

I shouldn’t look for the approval of man but even though I know in my heart what I am doing is not wrong, why do I yet feel this way? I don’t understand it!

Unhealthy churches are often performance based. The intensity varies from church to church and is dependent upon the leadership and to an extent the members. Your acceptance is based upon your performance. How you view yourself is also based upon how well you follow the list of rules. Many of us learned to judge others while in our group, or at least looked to see if they were lining up with all the rules. Many of us soon learned that others would look at us and judge us by the outward appearance.

It is not abnormal to have struggles in this area after leaving. You know people are going to look at you and judge you because of what you witnessed while you were there. Most people do care what others think of them, especially those close.

Here is what is important, as far as I am concerned: that you believe what you are doing does not violate what is shown in scripture. As a believer, you answer to God for these things. If your heart does not condemn you in what you allow, because you see the truth of the matter in the Bible, then the opinions of people don’t mean a thing. They are not your judge.

How does God see you? This is what matters. Fortunately, God will not judge you by what others think or teach.

As you get these things deeper into your heart, and as your relationship with Jesus grows stronger and more distance is placed between you and your former church, they should no longer continue to disturb you. You may still feel hurt for awhile if someone judges you or looks you up and down disapprovingly, but you won’t go around worried that others will see you.

I am still in a UPC church and people there clearly judge me, even shun me because I don’t see anything wrong with certain standards. This is hard!

It’s more difficult to break from this while one is continually exposed to it, especially in a situation where people in the church shun you. You are continually reminded of their disdain and disapproval and are regularly subjecting yourself to the performance based atmosphere. While not impossible, it will be much harder for you to break from this mindset while you are yet attending such a church.

Something that may help you as you come to terms with it all is to think about this: What is the worst thing that could happen if someone from the church sees you wearing (whatever) or doing (whatever)?

What can their words actually do? When you think about it, for most situations, not very much can happen other than hurt feelings.

Remember the mindset that causes their reactions and that should help you to process any negativism, though it doesn’t make the rejection feel better.

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Veiled Threats In Sermons

Different ministers in the group I exited would use various stories that were intended to place fear in those attending services. It was always something bad with a person being killed in an unpleasant way. Or perhaps God smote them with an illness or disease, like my former pastor said of a son-in-law, who developed a brain tumor. Some recall stories of car accidents and train wrecks. I won’t even get into all of the rapture drills and end time scare tactics that really do a number on children.

There is one story that still remains partly in my memory, though all the details are no longer there. My former pastor knew Nathaniel Urshan, being from South Bend, Indiana. (Urshan was a long-time General Superintendent of the United Pentecostal Church.) One story was about young guys who were at some service where Urshan was speaking.

I believe they supposedly made fun in some way, may have been spoken to by Urshan and warned. They left the service and were killed in an automobile accident. The hidden message was that you do not come against a minister or God may kill you.

These stories work in a couple ways. The one I shared can be used to place fear in anyone, who would in any way, come against a minister. God will strike you down! I well remember the biblical story with the she bears from the Old Testament being told to also reinforce such a thought.

The scare tactics also help to manipulate people into doing whatever it is that the pastor wants, including following all the rules, attending every service and tithing. It can be made to feel like God is just chomping at the bit for you to mess up so that He can swoop down on you in His wrath and make you pay. Or perhaps instead, He will blow the trumpet and you will be left behind with all the unbelievers.

These stories also create an unhealthy fear of God and help to distort your image of Him. Here again we see the view of God as a harsh taskmaster, just waiting so He can somehow punish or kill someone who has upset Him. Get out of line, don’t follow the rules, leave this church, and God will see that you die in a nasty traffic accident (or some other way just as unpleasant). So much for a loving God, who isn’t willing that any should perish. That’s all over with now that you are a believer.

Fear, fear, fear, fear…….I will never stop saying it until it is no longer true…….fear permeates the teachings in unhealthy churches.

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For those who are not easily triggered, below is a great example of how some ministers use these scare tactics. It is the late L.E. Westberg, who was a well known United Pentecostal Church minister. In this sermon, he proclaims that in two separate incidents, people who had backslid died in fiery car accidents. According to him, God rejected those people, turning against them and he thinks when the preacher’s son was dying and calling out to God, that he heard God laugh at him. Tongues and interpretation are also used in an attempt to make it appear God is behind the fearful message, speaking for the last time to someone at that service. This is sick stuff.

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Does Salvation Come And Go?

The way some act in unhealthy churches, the salvation of a believer would appear to be so iffy and subject to change at any perceived wrong one might do or even think. Unhealthy churches are good at instilling this thought.

But is this the way the Bible portrays our salvation? I think not.

The Bible speaks about how intricately God knows us. He knew us even before we were formed in the womb. He knows our thoughts; he knows the number of hairs on our head.

The Bible teaches that NOTHING can separate us from the love of God.

The Bible teaches that NO ONE can pull us from God.

The Bible teaches that we are His, purchased with His blood. God has cleansed us, set us free and clothed us in His righteousness.

The Bible teaches He will NEVER leave or forsake us.

And if anyone does sin, believers have an advocate who pleads their case before the Father.

On and on it goes.

Yet if we leave a church group and their building, supposedly we’re backslid and lost and surely something bad is going to happen to us.

Do you see the picture I am trying to paint for you? Do you see how the fear that was instilled in you distorted your view? Change your focus to God and what the Bible records about Him. Therein you will find the truth to the situation and peace for your soul.

Jesus shed His blood for us- why then would He want us to cower in His presence? God is our Father- in that, He wants and invites us to come to Him. He is both the author and the finisher of our faith.

Fear permeates the teachings. That is why so many periodically question their salvation. It’s why people give up, thinking they just can’t live up to all that is expected. That is why so many live on a roller coaster ride and need to have the high from an ‘exciting’ service so they’ll feel OK for a day or so. It’s why some will follow certain standards because ‘we can’t be sure’ and they would rather be ‘safe than sorry.’

That is why when someone leaves, they often grapple with the fear of ‘what if they are right‘ or they are scared by foreboding communication from the pastor or church members.

When someone leaves a healthy church, they do not fear losing their salvation, nor do they worry that God will do something bad to them because they left. Oh, but those of use who have been immersed in an unhealthy church atmosphere encounter this fear. So much was attached to our salvation and leaving that church or group supposedly equated to leaving God and truth.

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Unhealthy Groups

I have been part of an “unhealthy group”. There’s really no need to name one… there are healthy and unhealthy churches under most-if not all-denominational banners.

What makes a church group-or any other group for that matter-unhealthy? There are lists published by people more qualified than I about exactly what constitutes an unhealthy group. My unprofessional synopsis is that if the group is consistently demanding or demeaning or a person finds himself doing things for them or with them in fear, the group is probably unhealthy for that person. Someone else may find the group to be healthy, but for the one living in fear, condemnation, shame, or other negativities, it’s unhealthy. And for anyone involved in creating those feelings, putting others down, acting disdainfully toward others, condemning and shaming others, the group is also unhealthy, though they might not realize or want to admit it. Bullies are victims as much as are the bullied.

What should a person in an unhealthy environment do? Some choose to stay there, hoping things will improve. Some try to change the group from the inside. Some ignore the problem or become part of it. And some leave.

I left. It wasn’t an easy decision, nor have things been easy since. Yet for me, it was the very best choice I could have made.

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