Category: unhealthy churches

One fall afternoon in 2008, my mentor’s husband, Randy, instructed me to call him as his failing transmission drudged slowly along the interstate in first gear. Perhaps, he was contemplating his pending boredom on his usual one-hour commute that had suddenly turned into a several hour trip, or maybe he subconsciously needed a minuscule amount of control over the moment considering the financial detriment his family was about to incur. Either way, after obeying his instructions as my “spiritual dad,” he demanded to know every potential sexual detail of my only past relationship in high school. The problem came when his wife started calling me at our pre-scheduled time, and I had not yet satisfied the extent of his demands. He instructed me to ignore his wife’s incoming phone calls, without explanation, knowing full-well the extent of the hurt and feelings of abandonment his wife would endure, all while threatening whatever consequences he thought sufficient, should I not “obey” him.

Finally, he allowed me to hang up and call his wife, but as my mentor and I spoke, she knew me well enough to know that something was wrong. I could no longer obey Randy’s demands to keep silent about the phone call without being dishonest with my mentor. As if the afternoon had not already been stressful enough, I believe she subconsciously went into survival mode, resulting in her redirecting her anger towards me instead of her mentally abusive husband. Randy had something to hide but his feeble attempt at shoving his newest skeleton into the closest had not just merely postponed the aftermath, but it also simultaneously fueled the fire, causing as bleed-out nigh impossible to recover from. What if Randy had stopped when his wife began to call? What if he had never tried to cover it up by directing me not to tell his wife that he and I spoke? Certainly, his wife would have still been upset, and rightfully so, but could his admittance, without cover-up, significantly reduced the detrimental outcome?

Just as with Randy, I have personally wondered what would have happened if Pastor Andrew Ray and his wife had simply admitted to leading teenagers towards courtships/engagements, not only against their parent’s expressed wishes, but to the extent of aiding in the deception. What if, instead of repeatedly justifying their actions, the Rays had mended friendships as closely knit as David and Jonathan by a true apology, instead of lip-service? Could it be, I wonder, that if they had swallowed their pride closer to the beginning, there may have never been an entire church service dedicated to destroying an entire family’s name?  Perhaps there never would have been a letter of ostracization sent to family including a threat toward a college student’s education. Just maybe, there would never have been a men’s meeting to follow that was aimed at humiliating another young college-age girl for wanting to marry the pastor’s son.

I believe that if Pastor Ray, even following the mass exodus, had been honest instead of showing off the pitiful wounds in a purposefully hushed silence around the truth, maybe those families- mine included- would have never endured such calloused disdain. Perhaps countless spiritual lives would not have been destroyed long-term. Maybe marriages would not have been shaken close to their breaking point! I believe that if Andrew Ray, and his wife Lula, had owned up to their questionable actions sooner- if at all!- there may never have been such an extensive domino effect at Antioch Baptist Church in 2017 and in the many months to come. Unfortunately, heaps of skeletons lay tucked away in a closet without question. Let us open the doors and finally give some of them a chance to speak.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Skeleton #1: Manipulating the Broken” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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On Monday, August 31, 2020, Douglas Stauffer contacted my husband for the first time since December 2018. Stauffer’s first phone call did not work out, but he called back and left a voicemail (transcribed below), revealing yet another example of what we feel is attempting to manipulate and control our family through fear. Interestingly enough, since sharing his voicemail online shortly after receiving it, Douglas Stauffer and Andrew Ray never followed up as of February 2021:

“Hey Matt, this is Doug Stauffer. I’m calling you at a time when I was sure that your voicemail would pick up, not to blindside you at work, but I don’t think that happened. But now I’m leaving a voicemail. In early July, Brother Ray brought to my attention your wife’s stalking of the two of us. He found out about our attacks while traveling. We remained completely silent, and instead prayed for you and your family. I even added them to our family- uh, to our church weekly prayer bulletin.

Now, we have some clear guidance from God on how to proceed, and our talking on the phone is the first of potentially six progressive steps. The second step will be an open letter that Brother Ray has written, he’ll send to you first. The third step is meeting together or posting the open letter on the internet. We are going to let you two determine the direction of things as they proceed and to what extent they evolve. By now, all of her blogs have been archived along with all of her Facebook attacks against us. We have not yet reported her to Facebook concerning her defamatory harassment and libelous postings, but that could happen soon, too.

I met with you and Crystal twice in 2018 on June 5^th and September 2^nd with witnesses present at both meetings. We all assured each other that everything was settled, and after the first meeting, until Crystal blindsided me with several unwarranted email attacks. Almost three months later on the meeting, in the second meeting, I against stated I hoped that we never had to discuss these matters again. You assured me that that was the case, and your wife agreed, stating that we could move forward, and I think we are all good. Those are Crystal’s exact words at the end of the meeting during my last interaction with the two of you.

What in the world has possessed your wife to get her to write such nasty, malicious, fictitious and defamatory things about us and the church? The way things seem to be heading, I’m afraid they could turn out to be even more psychologically damaging into your wife’s fragile psyche, hurtful to your marriage, potentially damaging to your precious family. We want to avoid all of this, and regardless of how things progress, it’s completely up to the two of you at this point.

This call is to start the process of attempting to head things off before things progress to the point of no return with outcomes quite unpredictable.

If I don’t hear from you in the next few days, I’ll tell Brother Ray to proceed with a rather lengthy letter. My number is ***-***-****. God bless you. I hope to hear from you very soon. Thanks. Bye.”

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: When Closet Skeletons Speak” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.