Blindsided: When Closet Skeletons Speak

One fall afternoon in 2008, my mentor’s husband, Randy, instructed me to call him as his failing transmission drudged slowly along the interstate in first gear. Perhaps, he was contemplating his pending boredom on his usual one-hour commute that had suddenly turned into a several hour trip, or maybe he subconsciously needed a minuscule amount of control over the moment considering the financial detriment his family was about to incur. Either way, after obeying his instructions as my “spiritual dad,” he demanded to know every potential sexual detail of my only past relationship in high school. The problem came when his wife started calling me at our pre-scheduled time, and I had not yet satisfied the extent of his demands. He instructed me to ignore his wife’s incoming phone calls, without explanation, knowing full-well the extent of the hurt and feelings of abandonment his wife would endure, all while threatening whatever consequences he thought sufficient, should I not “obey” him.

Finally, he allowed me to hang up and call his wife, but as my mentor and I spoke, she knew me well enough to know that something was wrong. I could no longer obey Randy’s demands to keep silent about the phone call without being dishonest with my mentor. As if the afternoon had not already been stressful enough, I believe she subconsciously went into survival mode, resulting in her redirecting her anger towards me instead of her mentally abusive husband. Randy had something to hide but his feeble attempt at shoving his newest skeleton into the closest had not just merely postponed the aftermath, but it also simultaneously fueled the fire, causing as bleed-out nigh impossible to recover from. What if Randy had stopped when his wife began to call? What if he had never tried to cover it up by directing me not to tell his wife that he and I spoke? Certainly, his wife would have still been upset, and rightfully so, but could his admittance, without cover-up, significantly reduced the detrimental outcome?

Just as with Randy, I have personally wondered what would have happened if Pastor Andrew Ray and his wife had simply admitted to leading teenagers towards courtships/engagements, not only against their parent’s expressed wishes, but to the extent of aiding in the deception. What if, instead of repeatedly justifying their actions, the Rays had mended friendships as closely knit as David and Jonathan by a true apology, instead of lip-service? Could it be, I wonder, that if they had swallowed their pride closer to the beginning, there may have never been an entire church service dedicated to destroying an entire family’s name?  Perhaps there never would have been a letter of ostracization sent to family including a threat toward a college student’s education. Just maybe, there would never have been a men’s meeting to follow that was aimed at humiliating another young college-age girl for wanting to marry the pastor’s son.

I believe that if Pastor Ray, even following the mass exodus, had been honest instead of showing off the pitiful wounds in a purposefully hushed silence around the truth, maybe those families- mine included- would have never endured such calloused disdain. Perhaps countless spiritual lives would not have been destroyed long-term. Maybe marriages would not have been shaken close to their breaking point! I believe that if Andrew Ray, and his wife Lula, had owned up to their questionable actions sooner- if at all!- there may never have been such an extensive domino effect at Antioch Baptist Church in 2017 and in the many months to come. Unfortunately, heaps of skeletons lay tucked away in a closet without question. Let us open the doors and finally give some of them a chance to speak.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Skeleton #1: Manipulating the Broken” or click on a title below. [Links will be added as new blogs are posted.]

Blindsided Series

Part One: Red Flags and Rose-Colored Glasses

• • Series Introduction
  • Hindsight is 20/20
  • First Warning Signs
  • Circumcising the Critics- Sermon #1
  • Circumcising the Critics- Sermon #2

Part Two: Calloused Carnality and Hidden Harassment
(Sunday, June 3, 2018- Tuesday, June 5, 2018)

• • Douglas Stauffer’s Carnal Message on Carnality- Sermon #3
  • Silent No Longer
  • Douglas Stauffer’s Voicemail to Matthew Olds
  • Personal Response to Douglas Stauffer’s Voicemail
  • Harassment from Douglas Stauffer Begins
  • Private Messages Between Matthew Olds and Pastor Andrew Ray
  • Afternoon Phone Calls with Pastor Andrew Ray and Douglas Stauffer
  • Continuation of Messages between Matthew Olds and Pastor Andrew Ray
  • Crystal Olds’ First Facebook Apology Post
  • Douglas Stauffer Twists Crystal Olds’ Public Apology
  • Douglas Stauffer’s Harassment Crosses Another Line
  • The Olds’ House Divided
  • Face-to-Face with Douglas Stauffer
  • Reduced to Being the Pastor’s Cheerleader

Part Three: Navigating the Masks of Deceit
(Wednesday, June 6, 2018- Sunday, June 17, 2018)

• • Douglas Stauffer’s Twitter Tells All (Part One)
  • Douglas Stauffer’s Twitter Tells All (Part Two)
  • Still Expected to Cheer from the Nursery
  • Our Own Pastor- Friend or Foe?
  • Our Pastor’s True Colors Begin to Show (Part One)
  • Our Pastor’s True Colors Begin to Show (Part Two)
  • One Finger Salute
  • Douglas Stauffer’s Public Apology
  • Straight from the Horse’s Mouth
  • The Illusion of Pastor Andrew Ray
  • Crystal Olds’ Email to Pastor Andrew Ray about Douglas Stauffer’s Harassment and Character
  • Pastor Andrew Ray’s Message on “Biblical Forgiveness”
  • Shredding the Evidence

Part Four: Discerning a Diotrephes: Douglas Stauffer

• • Douglas Stauffer- A Diotrophes at Heart
  • Douglas Stauffer’s Traveling Conceit
  • Douglas Stauffer- Pride He Can Count On
  • Douglas Stauffer’s Pharisaical Comparisons
  • Douglas Stauffer’s Perspective About His Pride
  • A Missionary’s Dream
  • Douglas Stauffer- Clouds Without Rain
  • Planning on a Prayer
  • Crossing I’s and Dotting T’s
  • Medical Mazes (Part One)
  • Medical Mazes (Part Two)
  • Sent to the Wolf, Unaware
  • Douglas Stauffer’s Deceitful Misleading
  • Douglas Stauffer Twists the Truth
  • Matthew Olds’ Email to Pastor Andrew Ray
  • Douglas Stauffer’s Motives Revealed

Part Five: When Closet Skeletons Speak

• • When Closet Skeletons Speak
  • Skeleton #1: Manipulating the Broken
  • Skeleton #2: The Destruction of a Young Girl
  • Skeleton #3: Recordings From a Church Meeting
  • Skeleton #4: A Secret Letter
  • Nail in the Coffin

Part Seven: Rising Up from the Ashes

• • Out of the Fire… With Buckets of Water
  • Our Letter to the Witnesses
  • Finally Speaking Out
  • “What Really Happened (Part One)”
  • “What Really Happened (Part Two)”
  • Douglas Stauffer’s Private Message to Matthew Olds (December 2018)
  • Yet Another Private Message from Douglas Stauffer (December 2018)
  • Douglas Stauffer’s August 2020 Voicemail