Category: holiness standards | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Standards and Some Conservative Pastors

Conviction or peer pressure, or just wanting to fit in or obedience to the pastor? It appears most unhealthy churches have a list of standards they impose upon members. While they will tell you that they are founded upon the Bible, there are some who will admit it is up to each pastor to set these rules, whether or not one might find them in the Bible. There can be a lot of pressure upon people to fall in line.

There are those who abide by such standards that will tell you it was God himself who convicted them to follow. Some will say their pastor hardly ever mentions standards, but peer pressure from those around them convinced them to fall in line. Some others, because they believe they must obey what pastor says, adopt the standards though they do not believe God started them. Yet others will change simply because they wish to fit it and not stand apart from the others. There are also some that study and believe that the church is right and that God instructs these rules.

The new person is given some leeway and isn’t expected to incorporate all the standards at first. Yet as they attend more, and especially if they wish to become involved, they start to feel pressed to do so. This pressure could come from one or more sources- the pastor, the other members and themselves. It could be due to a Bible study the church gives. It could be subtle or blatant comments from members. It could even come from strangers online in discussion/debate boards. I don’t know how many times I have seen ministers post online, to those they do not know, and tell them certain standards are necessary or the person will be lost. Just the thought of losing out with God is enough to cause many to become adherents to these standard teachings. Fear can be a great motivator.

One man once wrote regarding standards, “The conservative pastors have little to no tolerance to those that preach a softer message; those pastors don’t even approach their own congregations with humility. It’s their way or the highway.”

I want you to stop and ponder something. Consider what Titus 1 states about elders (NLT): “6 An elder must live a blameless life. He must be faithful to his wife, and his children must be believers who don’t have a reputation for being wild or rebellious. 7 An elder is a manager of God’s household, so he must live a blameless life. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered; he must not be a heavy drinker, violent, or dishonest with money. 8 Rather, he must enjoy having guests in his home, and he must love what is good. He must live wisely and be just. He must live a devout and disciplined life. 9 He must have a strong belief in the trustworthy message he was taught; then he will be able to encourage others with wholesome teaching and show those who oppose it where they are wrong.”

Does this admonition jive with a pastor who has the attitude of, “It’s my way or the highway?” Does this sound like someone who should demand compliance to whatever they teach?

Need more to convince you? Listen to 1 Timothy 3 (NLT): “This is a trustworthy saying: “If someone aspires to be an elder, he desires an honorable position.” 2 So an elder must be a man whose life is above reproach. He must be faithful to his wife. He must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation. He must enjoy having guests in his home, and he must be able to teach. 3 He must not be a heavy drinker or be violent. He must be gentle, not quarrelsome, and not love money. 4 He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. 5 For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church? 6 An elder must not be a new believer, because he might become proud, and the devil would cause him to fall. 7 Also, people outside the church must speak well of him so that he will not be disgraced and fall into the devil’s trap.”

If the pastor of the church you attend is different from what is described above, you need to prayerfully consider if they are someone you should listen to. They may be a self-appointed pastor, concerned with building their own kingdom, instead of someone with the heart of a servant and called by God. If they are adding to the Good News, with lists of demands you must obey, run! Titus states that such “are turning whole families away from the truth by their false teaching.”

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Differing Church Standards

There are no standard standards in many unhealthy churches. Another way to put it is that standards may change from church to church, group to group and even from area to area. Here is something one man wrote regarding his unhealthy church background:

“Of course, I can’t say the church was all bad. They pretty much blow off all of the UPC standards and do what they want. It was the liberal church in the area after all. The skirts seemed mandatory but honestly it would have been better to just allow pants because any skirt was appropriate (I mean any). This church being completely different than my Uncle’s church also confused me because my Uncle was strict on the standards of holiness. Typically, the guys that were very obedient and religious would say very cruel things about young ladies who wore a skirt too tight or a shirt too low (at my Uncle’s church). But at this new church it was all good or at least I never heard whore and slut being thrown around freely. Though I wasn’t big on the standards this did confuse me because if these standards were somehow guided by the Spirit then did the Spirit change its mind from place to place? Was it a different God? Beards are disobedience one place and not another?”

If one were to never change from one unhealthy church to another and/or never visit another for special services, they may never see that the standards preached in their church are not across the board for everyone everywhere. They do vary and sometimes there is a tremendous difference in what is preached.

Now, some will tell you, as a woman told me and another lady at the Worldwide Pentecostal Fellowship conference one year in Gatlinburg, that there will be variations as each pastor sets the rules for the churches. But is this biblical? Does each pastor have the right to demand 24/7 compliance to their own set of rules? I do not see this taught in the scriptures.

As a for instance, there was a United Pentecostal pastor in Arkansas who had a rule that one cannot be a member if they are male and have facial hair. He would not have fellowship with other UPCI pastors who allowed this. This is despite the fact that the organization does not have a written policy against facial hair and that he himself admitted that the Bible does not teach against it. He would not budge from this position. His views actually created division in the organization because of how he would stay away from pastors who do not feel as he did on the matter. He believed he had every right to do this as the pastor and yet he agreed to not contend for his beliefs to the disunity of the organization when he became licensed.

Do we find any instance of this in the New Testament church? Did Paul demand dress codes that Peter said were not necessary? Did James forbid facial hair on men while John allowed it? You will find nowhere that this happened and none of the apostles or Jesus taught that pastors could make up a list of rules and demand that believers follow them.

The Bible states that God is not the author of confusion. Vastly varying standards from one church to another are confusion. They do cause questions, as the man above wrote, “if these standards were somehow guided by the Spirit then did the Spirit change its mind from place to place? Was it a different God? Beards are disobedience one place and not another?”

But the pastors will say that God has lead them to teach these rules. I think not. God does not continually change his mind from place to place. When he gave the law to Moses, for the Israelites to follow, he did not give one set of rules to some of them and another to others. He did not say that some tribes could eat animals that another tribe could not. He did not say that the elders of each tribe could set up arbitrary standards and demand that all in the tribe follow them.

If you are fearful of a pastor, if you follow standards to please the pastor of the church you attend, you are probably in an unhealthy church. You should not fear a pastor. You do not have to obey standards that he sets up that are not given in the Bible. We actually have an incident in the book of Acts where a group of believers was trying to demand that Gentiles be circumcised. A meeting was held in Jerusalem and this is what was stated in the letter given to all the churches as follows:

“The apostles and elders, your brothers,
“To the Gentile believers in Antioch, Syria and Cilicia:
“Greetings.

“We have heard that some went out from us without our authorization and disturbed you, troubling your minds by what they said. So we all agreed to choose some men and send them to you with our dear friends Barnabas and Paul— men who have risked their lives for the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore we are sending Judas and Silas to confirm by word of mouth what we are writing. It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us not to burden you with anything beyond the following requirements: You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things.

“Farewell.” (NIV – read all of Acts 15 for yourselves)

Think about it.

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Purity Culture isn’t just a Christian thing

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on October 26, 2015.

I spent my teenage years immersed in purity culture, in both evangelical and fundamentalist Christian circles.

If you were homeschooled, went to youth group, or wore a purity ring, you probably know what I’m talking about.

Purity culture was an ideology, a movement complete with books like Dannah Gresh’s Secret Keeper, promoted in concerts by Christian artists like Rebecca St. James and single women’s retreats, like the one I went to that was organized by Biblical Discipleship Ministries and hosted at Bill Gothard’s ALERT Academy in Big Sandy, Texas. (Note: Bill Gothard has been accused by at least 10 women of sexual abuse and the court case was featured in Amazon Prime’s docuseries Shiny Happy People in June 2023.)

A conservative Muslim man who added me on Facebook several months ago often posts religious memes or quotes from the Quran. This week, he shared a few memes that seemed oddly familiar, because they echoed many things that purity culture taught me.

Here they are, along with their Christian counterparts.

1. You will only find a partner as you grow closer to God.

Purity culture seemed to almost guarantee that we’d find The One (TM), if we obeyed all the rules. Following the formula would supposedly bring you closer to God and, by default, closer to that one person chosen to be your life partner from the beginning of time.

Eric and Leslie Ludy, authors of When God Writes your Love Story, said, “Girls, if you will learn to wait patiently and confidently for God to bring a Christlike man into your life, you will not be disappointed. And guys, learn to treat women like the Perfect Gentleman, Jesus Christ, If you do, you will not only be promoted out of ‘jerkhood,’ but you will then be worthy of a beautiful princess of purity who is saving herself just for you.”

Islamic teachings seem to be nearly identical, except you might be waiting for The One[s], depending on which sect you belong to.

2. Wives should obey and submit to their husbands.

This is basically complementarian theology, based on how evangelical and fundamentalist Christian churches interpret Ephesians 5:22-33.

According to this view, men and women are said to be equally valuable, but serve in different roles. Men are the leaders and women are their helpmeets. Those who believe in this claim that any attempt to live outside of these scripted gender roles will result in a failed marriage.

The most spiritual women, according to this teaching, submit to their husbands and obey them even when they disagree or even when their husbands are wrong or abusive.

3. Casual dating is bad because your goal should be to find someone to marry.

Purity culture teaches that kissing, holding hands, and sex outside of marriage is disrespectful to your future spouse and stealing intimacy from any potential relationships in the future.

A sexually active woman is used and no longer desirable, like damaged merchandise or a wilted rose.

Again, this idea isn’t unique to evangelical Christianity. It’s part of other high-control religions as well.

4. Specific instructions on what clothing is modest and pleasing / displeasing to God.

Basically the more covered your body is, the better, according to people who believe this.

Wear long sleeves and long skirts to demonstrate that we’re women, but you better not show your midriff or have a neckline. In fact, it’s better if you avoid any clothing even suggesting that you have curves. Shirts with V-necks are sketchy even if it doesn’t show cleavage, turtlenecks are your safest bet.

The goal is to become the least likely woman to “make your brother in Christ stumble,” which often ends up putting a lot of pressure on women in these religious communities, because it makes women responsible for men’s feelings and attraction to them.

Purity culture’s teachings have been used to blame women for their sexual assault or harassment when people ask “well, what were you wearing?”

These ideas aren’t unique or special.

Conservative Muslims say the exact same thing. Purity culture isn’t exclusive to Christianity. But in reality, we don’t have the inside track to something fabulous if we follow these teachings, and it’s not a magical life hack formula that will fix everything broken in our lives.

It’s more likely that we’re supporting an oppressive patriarchal system through these restrictive religious beliefs.

Most of this isn’t even in the Bible. Jesus doesn’t love you more if you wear the right clothing. I believe he lets you make your own adult choices.

Purity culture won’t make you a better person. It might just give you a superiority complex.

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Outside the Box: We are less fragile

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on March 2, 2016 as part of a series.

Continued from I Wish I Didn’t Know

My friend Mary Nikkel, who I once knew by the online nickname Elraen, was the first blogger I started regularly reading while I was still trapped in the cult my family was in, the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement. She blogs at Threads of Stars. Here is what she wrote about recovering from spiritual abuse.

I grew up believing that I could break other people, break myself, break the world, with the smallest of missteps.

There was a list of movies I couldn’t watch and music I couldn’t hear because they would break my mind.

There was a list of things I couldn’t wear because they would break the minds of others.

There was a list of words and opinions I couldn’t say because they would break someone else’s perception of the Christian faith.

There was a corresponding list of words and opinions I had to say because I would be sending someone to hell if I were to omit them.

The lists of the way I could break things seemed endless, and I lived by the letter of their law with an awful holy terror. But there are terrible consequences to believing you live in a world so breakable, with a soul so fragile. I began to feel like I was, at best, a weak excuse of a human for being so unable to meet the list of requirements, and at worst, a weapon designed only to damage the world. Better if I be removed for the sake of safety, my mind whispered on the dark nights. Better if I erase myself before I break anything or anyone else.

When grace opened the door to a wider world and I learned to walk in it (certainly with my fair share of bruises and skinned knees along the way), I would quickly be startled by a few truths. First was that the world was more elastic than I had imagined, that sometimes when I fell, rather than shattering beneath me like brittle glass, this wild life embraced me and bent around me and became a new kind of beautiful. Second was that sometimes even when something did break—my heart, a friendship, some corner of my innocence—my spirit had the ability to mend, like grace had planted this resilient life in me that outlasted even the death of dreams, the death of my strength, the death of all the porcelain pictures I once thought defined “good enough.” And really, perhaps these truths are no surprise in the end, for I believe in the truth of a Christ whose Spirit overcame death—who gifts that same Spirit to me.

On the other side of laws and fear-based protective prisons, I have certainly loved the freedom to enjoy things. I have the freedom to immerse myself in rock and roll, the freedom to dye my hair blue, the freedom to wear shorts and tank tops in the summer, the freedom to watch (and even laugh with) movies that currently matter in pop culture. But perhaps the freedom I have loved even more is the freedom to make mistakes along the way, knowing each small choice will not save or condemn me.

I have certainly found consequences and heartache out here. But I have outlasted them. And the steady hands of friends who have stayed with me, even when I say the wrong thing or say nothing at all, even when I’m feeling too small and dim inside to spark any kind of response to their lavish light, has taught me that maybe I can’t break others as easily as I once believed either. Maybe there is a staying power in our souls beyond anything we could possibly imagine. There is more grace out here than I ever knew.

I believed I was an ember, struggling to stay alive from my place embedded in the ash and dirt. Imagine my surprise to find a spirit like a star burning in me, relentless, impossibly bright, alive though it wander through the coldest walks of the night.

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The UnBoxing Project: Gissel’s story

Gissel dyed her hair red for the first time during the first week after she left home.

Continued from Options, not ultimatums

In July 2014, Ashley came over to my apartment to visit one Saturday morning.

While we were talking, Ashley got a text message from Gissel, one of her friends from the First United Pentecostal Church of Colorado Springs (now known as Heritage Pentecostal Church), that she’d left six months before.

“Hey, can you come pick me up? My dad kinda went crazy and kicked me out. I don’t have anywhere to go… can I stay with you?”

Gissel was on her lunch break at work, so Ashley and I drove over to meet her and help her get her belongings out of her father’s house.

On the way to her dad’s house, Gissel explained she already planned on going to live with her grandmother in Texas.

The night before, she’d stayed out with her boyfriend and a group of other friends until past midnight. She discovered her dad had locked her out when she tried to come home, even though he’d never enforced the curfew he set for her older brother and his girlfriend.

Gissel kept asking why it was different for her as a girl, why she was being punished.

One of Gissel’s younger sisters let her in the house so she could get her suitcases already packed for her move. We put them in the trunk and drove to where Racquel and Ashley were living so Gissel could stay with them temporarily.

The rest of her siblings watched us from the window, huddled together.

Ashley told Racquel what had happened and that Gissel would be staying over for the rest of the week until she flew out of town. Gissel went back to work for the day, and we picked her up that evening.

She was quiet. Reality set in.

Silent tears slipped down her cheeks. There was no home to go back to now.

We hugged her, asked her if she was ok or needed to talk. Told her it was ok to be sad, ok to cry.

Later that night, she sat next to Ashley on the couch while we watched anime and the first Pirates of the Carribean movie. Watching television isn’t allowed in most United Pentecostal churches like the one she grew up in.

Ashley helped her dye her hair that week, another thing that the church deemed sinful.

Gissel started wearing a crucifix that her dad gave her. Her dad told her if she was going to leave the church and wear jewelry now, she might as well wear that. It was a religious guilt trip, since their church doctrine forbade wearing jewelry, and typically Pentecostal churches do not agree with Catholic doctrine.

After Gissel left for Texas, we kept in touch.

I asked her last fall how she was doing and if she would like to share her story.

Now she is free to live outside the cage of Christian fundamentalism and legalism.

I thought once Racquel and Ashley and the others that we’d moved out were free, that everything would start to go back to normal. That our little network wouldn’t need to keep helping people.

But Gissell reminded me that so many more are out there, waiting.

Gissel studied social work at community college and works in a healthcare center in Texas. She also cohosts a YouTube channel called Gen and Gigi.

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