Category: fear | Page 4 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Physical Stress Response and Preachers

Throughout my lifetime, there have been various times when I had to be in a court of law, either as a witness, a defendant, or a plaintiff in different situations. Obviously, in these cases, the judge is the final word (unless it is a criminal trial, which was not true in any of the cases I was involved in).

Due to his power over decisions that affect the lives of individuals in significant ways, it would be normal to have a level of fear or anxiety about making sure one was able to properly communicate the truth of one’s testimony to a judge.

However, thinking about this over the years, I’ve noted that my fear and anxiety in each of these cases was greatly enhanced and compounded by the presence of preachers in the courtroom. Interestingly, I found that their reactions to what was being said was the most frightening aspect of all.

My first few experiences of this type, I was still involved in the cult, and felt this fear was natural. After all, preachers are “God’s men” and whatever they think about you must be God’s opinion as well.

Down through the years, as events in and around my life have unfolded, I have come to realize that preachers are just human beings. If there were six preachers in the room at any given event, their opinions about what is going on would probably differ greatly and they would even contend with one another as to who was right or wrong.

Some time ago, I found myself in a similar legal situation, and it was interesting to note that, although I no longer believe that preachers are second only to God, I had the identical emotional reaction that I had in my youth, the first time I was in a court-like atmosphere with preachers present. Realizing that many others who had been taught about the infallible opinion of a preacher probably deal with similar emotions, I decided to delve into the science behind why this occurs.

First of all, one must understand the body’s physical stress response to a dangerous situation. The emotion involved is usually fear, and it activates the fight or flight response in the brain stem, or primitive area of the brain. When this area of the brain is activated, it temporarily shuts down the cognitive (thinking) area of the brain, which means the reactions of the individual become instinctive, and fueled by adrenaline. Adrenaline was designed to help the individual have extra strength to flee or to fight in times of danger. However, in situations where one can do neither (such as in a court room or in a church service), adrenaline floods the body and can cause various symptoms, such as sweating profusely, pounding heart beat, increased pulse rate, breathlessness, trembling, crying, instant headaches, or a host of other physical stress responses.

At the core of the area of the brain responsible for these stress responses, is an almond shaped part of the brain called the amygdala. This is where important memories are stored that are strongly linked with emotions. Without having to think about it, the individual will automatically react in certain ways to events that trigger these memories. Sometimes the memories are even so instinctive that the individual might be unaware of where the response is coming from.

So how does this relate to stress involving preachers?

When one has been raised in, or spent significant time in a cult, he or she has been inundated with powerful messages of fear involving ever crossing the will of the preacher. In a cult, a preacher or some type of leader will have all of the power, and the other members of the group learn to be in awe and fear of this leader. In the case of spiritual abuse, we were indoctrinated to believe that an angry preacher meant an angry God. When all was well between us and the preacher, all was well between us and God. The fear of displeasing this man was equal to the fear of hell and eternal damnation without God.

When a person comes out of this atmosphere, and begins to grow in their cognitive understanding of the fallacy of this teaching, it is helpful in one’s daily life to know that God’s relationship with the individual is personal and does not depend on the opinions of others. However, in times of stress and emotion, the cognitive area of the brain is shut off. So, even though one firmly believes that a preacher is just a human being, in those moments of stress, when disapproval will undoubtedly come in a fearful situation, that primitive physical stress response kicks in.

It does not mean that you are “back to square one’ in your recovery. It doesn’t mean anything at all, really, except that your primitive, early brain learned to respond in fear and stress to a negative response from a preacher. In these cases, I’ve learned to get through the stress response by using relaxation techniques, and just to know that my recovery is still on track, and that the response was nothing more than a primitive physical response of my body warning me of the danger of such individuals in my life.

In the true spiritual world, only God is my judge. The opinions of men…all men…and women…all women, are irrelevant. God alone will decide my case. He alone will hand out the decision of my final destination.

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Surviving or Thriving?

I lived in fear – fear to the point of physically shaking and getting sick – for several years after I realized something was really terribly wrong at my former church. Doctors told me something was creating too much stress in my life. I thought surely I could make things better if I ‘just held on.’ I was stalked at church. I thought once people really knew, they’d stop it. They just laughed. I even heard a sermon that specifically told me it was ok to leave and I STILL stayed.

I thought if I just kept my head down and kept a low profile, everything would work out. I was in THE Church, after all. If I just prayed, just had faith, just trusted God, just repented and asked God to change me to fit in the church, everything would be OK. God wanted me to go to church, surely. He surely wanted me to go to the RIGHT church, to maintain a good witness by staying there. Surely he’d fix any problems and would ‘fight my battles if I just’ [shut up and did nothing]. It was easier to do nothing and stay than to face leaving and all that entailed (shunning, additional gossip, loss of a way of life even if that way was killing me).

And then there were the questions. ‘What if I’m wrong?‘ ‘What if the real problem is there’s something wrong with me?’ Surely I wouldn’t be so stressed or deal with depression, anger, fear and so forth if there wasn’t something wrong with me.

What if I was wrong? What difference would it make? Is it ever really wrong to leave a place that is unhealthy? Leaving meant getting away from the situation that was harmful to my health and well being. How would taking care of myself be wrong?

Even greater than the self-doubts were the other concerns. I thought I faced huge losses if I left. I wouldn’t be able to marry someone with my beliefs (not that I was able to find anyone I’d want to marry in the church). I would lose all of my friends (or acquaintances. In what life are people who stop speaking to you because you stop going to a certain building considered friends? Real friends don’t stop speaking to you because you don’t go to their church, anymore than they’d stop speaking to you if you stopped shopping at Wal-Mart.) And I’d lose my self image, that of the faithful super-Christian that would keep going to that church no matter how bad things got. (After I left, I realized it was self image and not a “witness,” because to those who were not attending, going to that church was NOT a good witness.)

In comparison… I’m dealing with a neighbor’s newly planted bamboo. It spreads quickly by underground rhizomes. You don’t know it’s invaded until plants start popping up, and once the rhizomes are there, it’s very hard to remove them. He should have installed a rhizome barrier or sand trap around it, or planted it in a container. He refused. It will cost me several thousand dollars to stop it, but at least I can stop those roots. If I don’t, the cost of getting it off my property once it’s there is even more… and the cost of the damage it can do is even greater. The neighbor’s response is he likes it and I can just mow everything in my yard off to stop it from growing all over my yard – my flower garden, my shrubs, my trees… I can mow them.

Churches plant invasive thoughts and expectations in our minds that may look nice on the surface but are insidious in reality in our lives. And they tell us to just keep smiling, just keep acting as though everything is fine, and teaching us to take care of the surface but allowing the roots to continue invading our lives. So we cope, at least awhile, by putting time and expense into keeping those “roots” at bay while they shrug and say it isn’t their problem.

And so, OK, I’m not moving. But I am stopping the roots. There are ways I can keep his stupidity a certain space from my house. There’s no way I could sit in a church that kept telling me any problems in the church must be ‘just me.’ There is unfortunately no root barrier for words or judgmental attitudes.

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Ruining Communion Through Fear

One of the ways unhealthy churches cause members unnecessary angst is the manner in which they teach communion. For many, even though they are now away from their former churches, they still cannot take part in communion. There are some who never overcome the fear instilled in them that they could be bringing damnation upon themselves. For them, the experience of communion has been ruined. Others are able to do so only after much trepidation, prayer and agonizing over their standing with God.

In some of these churches, the pastor has to give approval of anyone wishing to take communion. Some give rules that must be followed. There is the issue of whether grape juice or wine is to be used. Others will forbid people from taking part in communion at other churches where they feel it isn’t properly taught or handled.

There is nothing in the Bible that says a pastor or leader is to approve of anyone taking communion. There is no check-off list for believers to do prior to partaking. If you have placed your faith in Jesus, you are free to take communion. We do it in remembrance of Jesus. It is not to be something feared, dreaded or worrisome.

The believers in Corinth were very messed up. (For a brief synopsis of what it was like, read this.) They suffered from divisions, quarrels, jealousy and sexual immorality. They were carnal, with some being proud and arrogant. At times gatherings were disorderly. The apostle Paul considered them to be worldly and like infants in Christ, instead of mature believers. This was the scenario when Paul addressed those at Corinth concerning communion. You will find no other warning about communion anywhere else in the New Testament. It was specific to the situation among these believers.

Despite this, for years some ministers have twisted 1 Corinthians 11 into something Paul never meant nor taught. This is what Paul had heard about them concerning communion (NLT): “When you meet together, you are not really interested in the Lord’s Supper. For some of you hurry to eat your own meal without sharing with others. As a result, some go hungry while others get drunk. What? Don’t you have your own homes for eating and drinking? Or do you really want to disgrace God’s church and shame the poor? What am I supposed to say? Do you want me to praise you? Well, I certainly will not praise you for this!”

Do you see it? They were not viewing communion properly as it seemed to be treated like any other meal and some became drunk, something certainly not part of communion. Others went without, due to some not considering those that did not have anything to eat. THIS is what Paul addressed. They had turned communion into something foreign to what they had been taught. It had nothing to do with a checklist. It had nothing to do with praying through first or making sure you had repented of any and all possible sin. It wasn’t about those things at all. But unhealthy churches distort what happened in order to create FEAR in people—and they have a much better chance of controlling and manipulating you when it is present. Fear permeates the teachings in unhealthy churches.

This is what Paul taught about the reason for communion (NLT): For I pass on to you what I received from the Lord himself. On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it. Then he broke it in pieces and said, “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, he took the cup of wine after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant between God and his people—an agreement confirmed with my blood. Do this in remembrance of me as often as you drink it.” For every time you eat this bread and drink this cup, you are announcing the Lord’s death until he comes again.

The celebration of Passover became the Christian time of communion and was to be done in remembrance of Jesus. We remember that he gave his life for us and brought a new covenant with God. Through the years it seems to have lost the closeness brought by sharing a meal together compared to how most churches celebrate today.

While Paul does go on to mention taking communion ‘unworthily/unworthy’ and that they should ‘examine themselves’ beforehand, his instructions had nothing to do with what some ministers teach today, that one has to pray through and make sure they have no sin in their life. He isn’t saying believers need to be fearful of taking part in communion. Remember the overall state of the believers at Corinth and how Paul stated that when they met together they weren’t really interested in the Lord’s Supper. The NASB puts it like this, “Therefore when you meet together, it is not to eat the Lord’s Supper, for in your eating each one takes his own supper first; and one is hungry and another is drunk.” While their gathering together was to celebrate the Lord’s Supper, they had a total disregard for others as they scarfed down the meal and became drunk, starting before everyone arrived, and doing so while others had little or nothing to eat and drink. They made the taking of communion to be disgraceful by their selfishness, inconsideration and drunkenness.

Consider how Paul closed his comments to them and hopefully it will help you to see where the emphasis was placed when he wrote to the Corinthians. (NLT) “So, my dear brothers and sisters, when you gather for the Lord’s Supper, wait for each other. If you are really hungry, eat at home so you won’t bring judgment upon yourselves when you meet together.” Can you better see it now?

For those having difficulty in this area, consider having your own personal time of communion away from a church setting, either by yourself or with family. It may help you to ease back into being able to participate in a church setting. There are no rules on how frequently a believer is to take communion and there is nothing condemning those who do not take it.

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From Faith to Fear

Remember how happy you were when you first started attending your unhealthy group? Were you afraid of hell, either before or after your conversion? I mean, not just because you were saved, but all surrounding that time, both before and after your conversion?

When I first attended a Pentecostal church, I was happy. I was happy that I’d found a place to belong, people to talk about God with, and a church to worship with. I was not for one second afraid of hell. It didn’t figure into my attending and it didn’t figure into my conversion at all. For months after joining I had no thought of going to hell. I didn’t start going to church to avoid hell, and I didn’t stay to keep from going there. Hell was actually pretty far off my radar when I started attending church. I went to get closer to God, not to avoid hell. And so I wasn’t afraid of hell at first. The fear crept in slowly.

For me, I think the fear may have started with end times discussions. “Be careful, or you’ll be left behind!” That and prayers for “lost loved ones.” Then some friends that had started going with me suddenly stopped going. I still wasn’t afraid they’d go to hell, but I was VERY concerned that I’d ‘lose out,’ that I’d ‘backslide‘ and stop attending church. I loved it so much, I was terrified of leaving. The thought of leaving made me very insecure. The church, I thought, was there to protect me, to help me, to lead me. And in my mind at that time, these things were good. I had a group of people I could identify and trust, whether I knew them specifically or not. They were Pentecostal. They had the Holy Ghost. So they were good. And I wanted that safety desperately as a young adult on her own for the first time. Still, at that moment, nine months after I’d started attending, I don’t remember being afraid I’d go to hell.

In time, I was exposed more and more to teachings on hell, and my fear of hell grew as I heard those. I moved to a different church when I was in my late 20s. The church I started attending was a very different kind of church than what I’d been in for the first seven years. In the new church, there were not only sermons about hell, but people seemed to enjoy giving graphic descriptions of what hell might be like (and the rapture, and leaving, and many, many other things). The sermons there left me with less and less hope. They sapped my joy. And while I thought at the time that I was getting closer to God by being driven to stay through fear, I had never been in danger of leaving even without the fear. And so the fear sapped my joy and my faith. Over time of hearing these things repeatedly, I began to see God as judge rather than Father. I no longer wanted to pray or study. I felt I had to, but I didn’t want to. Fear ended up pushing me away from God, even though I trusted the pastor who told me it would drive me closer to him.

I don’t believe teachings on hell are used very well in Pentecost. After all, as we grow in God, should we have more and more faith, peace, love and joy… or more fear? I ended up with more fear. How about you?

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A Real Look Inside a Victim of Spiritual Abuse

I am working on learning to be vulnerable and honest about what it is like to live with depression and anxiety. However, the world at large is not a safe place in which to be vulnerable. That is why I write under a pen name. I can be honest and open with the world and yet be protected. That is the beauty of this site, this ministry of healing, this safe place. No one can hurt me when I’m vulnerable here.

So, today I’m going to be real honest and open. I’m going to give my readers a chance to view the results of 35+ years of spiritual abuse, that eventually morphed into physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological, and even sexual abuse. I’m learning that no human can pass through the fire without being burned. Everything I have faced has left scars, wounds, and horrifically altered my being forever.

Sitting with a friend over a meal recently, she shared her agnostic beliefs with me and asked me specific questions about what I believe, after all I’ve been through at the hands of religion. I told her, remarkably, “I don’t know what I believe anymore. There were so many lies. So much deception. So much pain and betrayal. The only thing I know is that I believe there is a God, and I believe that Jesus is the son of God who came to earth to die for our sins. Beyond that, I do not know anymore what I believe.” In that moment, I felt so odd. I wondered “How did I get here?” I felt a bit like a “heathen,” given the many years of indoctrination I had, and the fervency of my dedication to the cult for many years. On the other hand, there was a feeling of peace and realization, that, in mainstream religious circles, I’d just stated the very essence of being a Christian. It made me realize that I hold onto what really matters and the rest is now fluid for me.

Research

I was at a training event for work last week, where the effects of fear on the brain were related by an expert. The results were astonishing. When a person lives in a constant state of fear for a period of time, the brain produces large amounts of cortisol to counteract the stress and provide balance. Early life stress disturbs the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis, and this can cause a person to be more likely to have psychiatric issues as an adult (Carpenter, Shattuck, Tyrka, Geracioti & Price, 2011). In some severe cases of abuse, the child’s development is interrupted and their brain develops permanent damage due to the abusive actions of adults in their lives. They develop severe mental illness that can cause them to become psychotic, or to become a psychopath or sociopath. This is interesting, in light of the phrase that I heard after my children were abused by their father. I was still in the cult, and the preacher involved did not like it that my children and I couldn’t just “snap out of it” after escaping the abuser. He once made a statement that “so you were abused. Get over it. Many people have been abused.” Obviously this was an uneducated and asinine comment.

There is a reason for the depression and anxiety seen in my own life and that of many other victims of spiritual abuse whom I’ve encountered. There is a scientific explanation. People who experienced greater amounts of childhood emotional abuse also have more increased depression symptoms, especially when they have ongoing life stressors. Therefore, studies have shown that emotional abuse is truly a risk factor in our reaction to stressful life events (Shapero, et. al., 2014). Spiritual abuse has not been studied as much as other forms of abuse, but it definitely has an emotionally abusive element. It has been discovered, however, that spiritual abuse has many different facets and layers of experience that affect the biological, psychological, and social, as well as the spiritual realm of a person (Ward, 2011).

For those of us raised in a cult, many of us suffered various types of abuse, both in childhood and as adults. It is no wonder, then, that we suffer from depressive symptoms, anxiety issues, and sometimes even more debilitating mental issues. In my personal experience, adjustment disorders have plagued me throughout my adult life, exhibiting with both depressive and anxious symptomology. Here, I want to describe what it is like to feel these symptoms in relation to the past spiritual abuse and emotional abuse combined:

Depression is a dark, weighted cloud that sits on my soul. It consistently tells me there is no hope, and it holds me in misery. I can’t shake the sadness, or the feeling that my life is over… wrecked… beyond repair. I’m able to pinpoint that these religious leaders and specific abusers from my past have ruined my life, but I also feel completely broken and inept at everything in life. I can be making straight A’s, functioning at a high level, as far as daily living, and still feel like I am a complete and utter failure.

I sometimes feel I’m doomed to this darkness drowning my soul forever. I often cannot feel anything outside of an emotional numbness that causes me to be unresponsive to what is going on around me. Sometimes it becomes a pervasive sadness that has me crying over everything that happens, even if it isn’t a negative event. At times, it keeps me from feeling happy or celebrating clear victories or positive events. The inner voice plays down the positivity.

Many times when the depressive feelings overwhelm me, I feel the urge to kill myself. The most common feeling is to have this strong impulse to stab myself in the chest–likely because my emotional heart is feeling so much pain it feels like I’m already being stabbed in the heart inside, but there is no one to witness the event or care. Shame messages from childhood and religious leaders haunt me. I’m flooded with messages such as “you wouldn’t be in this situation if” and “it is all your fault for leaving the church.”

Other thoughts that commonly flood my mind at those moments include “You are a hot mess,” “you are too sensitive,” “you need to pray through,” “things will never be better–you are scarred for life,” “who do you think you are to think you deserve better?” “you are just an emotional female,” “I wish I were a logical male,” “what if my problems are a punishment for not being good enough,” “I wish I could have more faith,” “I’m not a strong person. A truly strong person could live up to all of the rules to earn the blessings of God.” Many other thoughts flood my mind in those dark moments.

I usually feel physically heavy, especially in my chest. I often get a headache. I don’t have any energy to be productive during these moments, and often I just feel like sleeping to hide from the world. Sometimes I will eat large quantities of chocolate or other comfort food to try to alleviate the pain. When going about daily life, in that state, I often have impulses to pull out in front of a fast approaching semi truck, run my car into a telephone pole, jump off of a cliff, run away from everyone I know and live out of my car with my children, or some other equally harmful impulse. Instead, when I get to that point, I go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant so that I can function and cope with the stress.

However, I know many others who cut themselves to find release, or contract eating disorders that cause them to binge, purge, or both. Others who are afraid to get medication may self medicate with alcohol or illegal drugs. Some have difficulty holding down jobs or meeting daily living demands due to the crippling depression that they cannot shake. When we feel this kind of depressive symptoms, we feel horrible and it makes us snap and growl at those around us who love us. Sometimes it can drive them away, yet we truly need their unconditional love more than anything else in these moments.

Anxiety has often been described to me as the “flip side of the coin” in regards to depression. I have noted that this is often the case in my own life. My medication keeps the depression at bay for the most part, but the anxiety will often trigger depressive symptoms or vice versa. Anxiety is terribly painful as well. Sometimes there are panic attacks, where my chest hurts as if I’m having a heart attack. I will become short of breath, feeling like I could possibly pass out or die. I will often become dizzy and the anxiety level is so high that I’m terrified and cannot find a reason for the anxiety at times. Sometimes my legs will become shaky, or my hands will shake uncontrollably. All of these things are signs of a panic attack and are not anything I’m in control of, but are physical symptoms of the high levels of stress hormones produced in my body.

Common triggers to a panic attack occur in church services–comments made, guilt inducing messages, judgmental comments, anything that takes me back to my spiritually abusive past. These physical responses are my body’s way of telling me that I’m in danger again. Anxiety also makes me fearful, hyper vigilant, and pours energy into my body through adrenaline. I will have bursts of highly productive energy induced by stress, followed by extreme tiredness and inability to stay awake. Sometimes there is an impending feeling of doom that has no concrete basis in real life.

Thankfully, I am able to know that my body and my feelings are betraying me and I can differentiate between reality and the panic. However, many people cannot tell the difference and too much anxiety can lead people to become delusional. Because of the bursts of adrenaline and the body’s need to relax afterwards, people who suffer from anxiety can appear erratic or inconsistent in their productivity. Some people have lost jobs, or at least been marginalized by society for the inconsistent patterns of functioning that are observable in their lives. In my case, when I had the severe panic attacks over several days time, my doctor prescribed a few pills of a low dose anti-anxiety medication. However, I took only two and kept the rest for future reference, as anti-anxiety medications are commonly abused and can be addictive. I generally use relaxation techniques to reduce my anxiety levels. Yet some people experience such severe anxiety that they have to have an ongoing anti-anxiety medication.

I have learned some very helpful coping skills to deal with my depressive and anxious symptoms. I have been blessed to have several amazing therapists who have helped me learn to cope better with the stress. Many others do not have the luxury of truly helpful professionals to aid them in managing their symptoms, and they suffer from far more debilitating symptoms as a result.

The conclusion of my emotional/mental responses to my past abuse is that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do have scars that may never go away. I am prepared to take medication for the rest of my life, if that is what I have to do to function and have a happy life. I no longer feel shame about seeing a therapist, and I do so as much as needed…as long as my insurance covers it. My friendship field is smaller than some, due to mental health stigmas, but I have honest, loyal, and trustworthy friends who support me.

I have vowed to NEVER, EVER darken the door of another church in the abusive religious group I escaped, other than my own family member’s funerals–and even then, I’ve given myself permission to get up and leave when I feel threatened. I attend church only when I feel capable of handling any triggers, and I reserve the right to get up and leave if I feel stressed. I talk to God about my stress and my past, as well as my current beliefs, and I feel that He understands the resulting chaos of religious leaders who abuse…after all, Jesus was personally acquainted with the Pharisees, and angered by the way their actions affected the people. Occasionally I try something new that is legal but was “forbidden” by my church growing up. If I like it, I make it part of my life. If I dislike it, I choose not to do it in the future.

Overall, I focus on enjoying the freedom to say “no,” or to accept things without the ruling of any spiritual or familial leader telling me what to think or do. I feel angry and bitter at leaders who have hurt me in the past–yes I do–but I work on letting these things go and focusing on my own health and recovery from abuse as much as possible. At times there are new stressors or events that take me right back to the past I’m trying to avoid. In those times, I give myself a lot of patience and I refuse to feel guilty as I process my anger and fury for what happened. Then, as soon as I can, I try again to put the past behind me and keep living in the present.

This is my journey. Yours will be different.

Carpenter, L., Shattuck, T., Tyrka, A., Geracioti, T., & Price, L. (2011). Effect of childhood physical abuse on cortisol stress response. Psychopharmacology, 214 (1), 367-375.

Shapero, B. G., Black, S. K., Liu, R. T., Klugman, J., Bender, R. E., Abramson, L. Y., & Alloy, L. B. (2014). Stressful Life Events and Depression Symptoms: The Effect of Childhood Emotional Abuse on Stress Reactivity. Journal Of Clinical Psychology, 70 (3), 209-223.

Ward, D. J. (2011). The lived experience of spiritual abuse. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 14 (9), 899-915.

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