Category: fear | Page 11 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Amen, Like, Share if you love Jesus

I have a friend on Facebook who posts lots of “memes” as I think they are called. She used to post many that were actually uplifting and encouraging. Not sure why this has changed but she is 80 now. Maybe that is why, I don’t know. However, the ones she posts now that are supposed to be spiritual are really not. I think she thinks they are helpful.

The one that set me off today (I usually just ‘hide’ them and go on) made me think of some of the preaching in my ex-church. I hid it before I really got it memorized but what it said was “Hi, I’m Jesus. If you ignore me 3 times here, I will ignore you in Heaven.” The rest was the usual “Type Amen, like, share and are not ashamed of Me, if you don’t want to be ignored” and the unstated was “and go to Hell.” She is still part of a church that preaches the doctrine and fear. But when I see those memes I am brought back to those sermons that were meant to instill fear, guilt, shame into you to make sure you showed up in church, did everything the pastor said (even if you disagreed).

I am not ashamed of Jesus. He is the reason I am here. He has carried me for a long time through all the bad and all the good in my life. But I just can’t share those things that are meant to shame you into sharing and probably are something contrived just to see how many likes and shares that meme will get. It still triggers emotions in me that I thought were laid to rest.

Dreams and memories

I woke up this morning after a vivid dream that I’d gone back to my former church. Apparently in the dream I was working a different job and two different people from other churches had come into my workplace and asked directions to the church. I gave it to them, amused that they didn’t realize I used to attend, even though I was dressed just like them.

For whatever reason, I knew they’d be serving a meal that night before church so I decided to sneak in just to eat. Most everyone had eaten by the time I arrived. They asked me to help serve dessert, not recognizing me. So I did. The entire building was different in the dream, but several things were the same. As people started to realize who I was, I could sense their fear. The unasked question was, “Did you ask the pastor if you could come?”

They’d shy away from me, afraid to acknowledge me or meet my eyes once they recognized me. And yet there was a little hesitant hope in their eyes that I’d “pray through.” Then the pastor came in. Things were tense- would he recognize me? If so, he’d be furious that I’d come. I left at that point, satisfied I’d gotten my answer, and that nothing had changed. I walked the long way back to the car, watching the parking lot fill and people rush in, hurried and focused on that building. I walked, enjoying a starless night, at peace.

I haven’t been looking for any answers. I know what would happen if I tried to go back or attend anything they led. But it was odd. The fear and tension were thick. I wasn’t afraid, but they were. And they weren’t afraid of God or afraid for me, they were afraid the pastor would find out. They were afraid of his anger and his temper on themselves for not saying anything if they knew I was there without permission. Afraid he’d think they had something to do with me being there.

And in the dream I knew the reason I wouldn’t go back even to visit- a totally unbiblical attitude toward the pastor and the pastor’s expectation that someone who’d left had to call and ask permission to return. (There is a rule at church that if you leave, you must ask special permission to even come to a wedding or funeral.) It had to do with his temper and the anger that he expressed so often, that tension in the air, the fear that he’d blame someone for wrongdoing when they’d simply been kind, gentle or compassionate.

It was strange. The dream didn’t make me sad or angry, it was just there. But it was strange because the fear, the tense caution, and the rules on returning were so clear and solid in an otherwise wispy dream. It’s the first time that I’ve dreamed about church in years that I felt a calm reassurance when I woke up.

Breaking Pentecostal

I confess to knowing little about the Amish, but recently I watched the television series “Breaking Amish” with mouth wide open wonder. It is a reality show about young Amish and Mennonite people with one Mother thrown in. These young people have decided to go “English” as they call it. It means they will be throwing off their entire outer garb that declares them to the world to be in a religious sect. Off they go to New York City to “fit in” at last. But they can’t. After having been taught all of their lives the do’s and don’ts of their religion, some go completely wild, others shed their “look” but seem to hold onto certain beliefs, and Mom, well, she tries it all, but couldn’t make the switch.

Throughout the show, scenes are preceded by random Bible verses that the producers feel apply to the next scene. This series, these characters, and these scriptures taken out of context and made to apply to whatever they think it fits, reminded me of my time in the United Pentecostal Church. The religion portrayed here had no more to do with the teachings of Jesus than any other Bible based religion of rules and regulations. It was all about a group of people being controlled by a set of rules the leaders deemed necessary to control where they live, how they look, and what they can do.

It was tragic to watch as one young man went out and nearly ruined his life trying to live on the outside, then going back in to stay out of trouble, but then ultimately going back out because he has now become a misfit. The young couple on the show seems to successfully make a transition to “English” life. They throw off the outer garb, give up the horse and buggy, and drive a pickup truck but when push comes to shove, they revert back to the same old beliefs and expect others to live by them too. The Mom goes back to her husband to live in the community, despite the fact that she knows she will never be accepted by them again. She will also be expected to have nothing to do with her own “English” children.

Sadly, in my UPC, I saw all of these characters play out – those who go in and out, miserable in, miserable out, all the while their life never having purpose. There are those who leave but still hold on to the idea that they know “the truth” yet pick and choose which part they hold to and expect others to hold on to same. Then, there are those who stay despite the pull of the outside world because of fear. An unhealthy fear of God (He will get you), fear of the leaders and fellow members opinion, or because it appeases their family; no matter how wrong they know it is. When you are a member of a mind control group, if you stay or if you leave, your life will never be the same.

I am eternally thankful that I was able to make a clean break and no, it has not been easy. Sometimes it feels like I have clawed and scratched out every inch of the way. I got in as a young girl with only one of those taken out of context scriptures pounded into my mind by my grandma; so I was virgin soil in which to plant their brand of mind controlling, cookie cutter look, you better stay in line dogma.

I have learned since leaving what matters most:

Those of you who try to be put right with God by obeying the Law have cut yourselves off from Christ. You are outside God’s grace. As for us, our hope is that God will put us right with him; and this is what we wait for by the power of God’s Spirit working through our faith. For when we are in union with Christ Jesus, neither circumcision nor the lack of it makes any difference at all; what matters is faith that works through love. Galatians 5:4-6 GNT

Another on foundations

When I first left my former church, and for several years before that, I was terrified to let go of what I’d been taught. What if it was THE Truth? Would I be lost? Would I go to Hell? Would God strike me down? Was I really walking out on Him?

My fears were very well taught in the church I’d been in, but they were completely unfounded. Walking out of a building doesn’t signify one’s lack of faith. Neither does asking questions or even having doubts, as odd as that may seem. But can a person have faith if there are no doubts? And as for walking out on God… how can you walk out on an omnipresent God? Where can you go that He isn’t?

So… I’ve blogged about foundations before, but I’m doing it again. It’s wonderful to be able to ask questions, to examine beliefs without fear. God knows about the doubts, and I really don’t think He minds. How can my brain grasp an idea as big as God, anyway? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKMw1ndl-EY

1 Cor 3:11 For no man can lay a foundation other than the one which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.

Jesus is our foundation. Other places call Him the corner stone and the rock. Our salvation is in Him. (And if God is real, nothing can shake Him.)

1 Cor 3:12 Now if any man builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, 13each man’s work will become evident; for the day will show it because it is to be revealed with fire, and the fire itself will test the quality of each man’s work.

All the doctrines and teachings and everything we’ve done and believed could be things that were built on Jesus. And when trials come or everything falls apart, it looks to us, standing on the ground, like the foundation must surely be gone. But the foundation isn’t above ground where we can see; it’s down in the ground. What we’re seeing is everything that’s been built being shaken and blowing away.

Guess I’ve lived in the Midwest too long–I picture a tornado. The tornado doesn’t usually even fracture the foundation, even if it turns the house to splinters. In the tornado, officials even tell you to go to the basement, because the foundation is the safest place to be. I know it’s different with earthquakes, but even in earthquakes it seems like the foundations that are built right are not what usually crumbles. If the foundation isn’t built right, the owners often bulldoze and start over.

14If any man’s work which he has built on it remains, he will receive a reward. 15If any man’s work is burned up, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved….

I got pretty mad about the rubble people built in my life, of pleasing others rather than God and of false teachings and doctrines. And then I realized I wanted those things to topple. I decided I could almost enjoy watching all they built fall, because then I’d know what was built well and what wasn’t. After the shaking is finished, I can go in, sweep out all the rubbish, and check the foundation and anything left standing. Something stronger can then be built where the straw houses were built before.

Have I ‘survived?’ Well there are still some things shaking in my life. The straw houses didn’t survive, though, and I can laugh as I sweep them away.

Inducing Fear in the Congregation

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10 KJV

Yet they continue to try to induce fear in the members by saying things like:

Don’t you love God? when you disagree on a topic or are hesitant to accept a position.

You need a burden for this! when you really don’t have one and don’t want to do what they ask.

If you don’t give a Bible study you will go to Hell!! when you have not given a Bible study yet. Then when you finally do, there is such a feeling of relief.

If you leave this church you will be walking away from God and he will chastise you beyond belief.

And then all the other things that are rules for salvation (but they won’t admit to it) like:

You must be baptized by a certain formula or you are not saved, you must tithe to be blessed or God will get that money out of you one way or another and it won’t be fun either!, Ladies, if you even pull out a tangle from your hair it is considered cutting just as much as if you went and had it all cut off!, and so on through all the dress standards.

After awhile you are scared not to come to church. Scared not to tithe even if it brings financial hardship to you. Scared to wear a dress or skirt too short so you wear them to your ankles just to be safe. Scared to pull out a knot of hair and spend time picking it out lest the wrath of God come upon you. Scared to show your elbows so you wear sleeves down to the wrist even in hot, humid summers – and everyone is saying “Oh you will get used to it.” Scared to say no to a request to teach Sunday school or something else in case that means you are being disobedient to the pastor or his wife.

The list is endless. Yet so many who have been in these churches nearly all their lives are just as adamant about the rules as the leadership is. So why do you want to question what must be right, especially when they keep saying “We are the only church that has All The Truth.”

There is hope. Read Isaiah 41:10 – FEAR THOU NOT!