Category: experiences in church | Page 3

Colorado United Pentecostal Sex Abuse Cases Part 2

Besides hearing of instances of alleged sexual abuse in a Colorado United Pentecostal Church that were not reported, I have heard from several former members as to how people in leadership there, including licensed ministers, have conducted themselves. I’ve seen one person refer to former members as the ‘Walking Wounded.’ Even though the Bible shares in several places how believers should be slow to anger, it appears some in leadership have chosen to repeatedly, and for years, display the works of the flesh instead of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5). (See Proverbs 14:29, 15 & 29:11, James 1:19-20, Ecclesiastes 7:9, Colossians 3:8.) The apostle Paul instructed Titus about elders among fellow believers and wrote in 1 Titus (NASB):

7For the overseer must be above reproach as God’s steward, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to wine, not pugnacious, not fond of sordid gain, 8but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled, 9holding fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching,

This is part fifteen in a series of articles and part two of the focus on a Colorado church. This is a compilation of allegations from numerous former members against the leadership of this church and the reports cover a span of many years.

I firmly believe that if a minister does not have the heart of a servant, as Jesus taught and showed by example, they should not hold license. Even Jesus himself did not come to be served but to serve others. Ministers and pastors are not supposed to be waited on and catered to by members of a church. They should not be elevated to a place where their actions cannot be questioned, nor should they live extravagantly on the hard earned money of members, when many of those people go without things.

Should ministers seek to have a table at church banquets where they are set apart from non-ministers and have church members appointed to only serve them and their needs? Where did ministers get the idea that they are separate from other believers in the body of Christ and shouldn’t spend much time with, or get close to, them? Did not the Pharisees in the New Testament act similarly?

Should members be expected to clean a pastor’s personal home because the church is having a conference (of course without being paid)? What about members who work for weeks under fear and intimidation on personal parties and anniversaries for the pastor and his family? Is it proper to remove members from ministries because they get behind in paying pledge money for such anniversary services? I cannot see David Bernard, the General Superintendent of the United Pentecostal Church, condoning such actions.

Should a pastor and his family live quite lavishly while there are many church members who are having a tough time making ends meet and while some ride a bus to services as they have no vehicle, while the pastor and his wife drive very expensive cars? Should the pastor and his family expect members to purchase them expensive gifts like a top of the line Jacuzzi or a baby grand piano or request that members help send them on exotic trips? It’s been said that some in the church have been told that “the least we can do is give him our money.”

Why would there be a hidden TV behind a wall panel in the living room (that was made to look like it was the mantle) during a time when UPC licensed ministers were forbidden to own one and all the while preach against it? In addition, why would there be a second TV in the basement with many Disney and other movies for the grandchildren? I have found the whole affirmation statement to be such a farce as through the years I have heard of various ministers signing the document and yet not abiding by it. Or making changes to it or adding a note that essentially nullifies it and these are accepted by the organization.

Should a pastor’s wife, now a senior pastor’s wife, be verbally abusive year after year to church members who volunteered to be in a seasonal church production, belittling them to the point where they are left in tears? One person shared they had to take Xanax for three months to make it through all the rehearsals due to her behavior. This woman has been described by more than one former member as ‘cruel,’ ‘vicious’ and ‘manipulative’. Some members were more afraid of what the pastor and his wife thought than God.

What about a PK, now a pastor’s wife, who regularly scolds choir members and even allegedly physically pulled a woman out of choir for failure to perform a movement she wanted, which the woman was incapable of doing due to the restricted room she had to work in. This leader took the choir member to the pastor’s office and allegedly lied about physically assaulting her. Should a person be screamed at for missing a cue? The fruit of the Spirit is severely lacking in such a person.

Love people. Respect them, serve them, and care for them. Ultimately, the only acceptable motive and the only successful method of leadership is love. – David K. Bernard, Spiritual Leadership article in the November 2018 edition of Pentecostal Life.

Should a visiting minister demand money and anything of worth to be handed over to the church under the guise of obtaining a blessing, especially in a church that already had plenty and was not suffering financially? Some who didn’t have cash left jewelry, shoes, perfume and other valuables on the altar. When one woman regretted giving her wedding ring, she allegedly called the church the next day to get it back and was told it was gone.

Does a pastor have the right to demand that a future wife goes to the husband’s church when two people are planning on marrying (done in order to keep members in the church)? How is it any of his business? Should a pastor be telling church members that he forbids them to have interaction with anyone who leaves the church or to not attend a new work that has started nearby?

Should a pastor use intimidation or guilt to manipulate members? What does it say about a pastor when he threatens a member with a lawsuit or tells them not just to leave the church building, but the state as well? What would you think of your pastor if you discovered he had allegedly harassed a former member, contacting his employer in an effort to get him fired, all because he started a church? Would that not speak loudly of the man’s deep feelings of insecurity (as well as other things)? Should a pastor punish church members by removing them from the platform or their positions in the church for simply attending a service at another UPCI church?

Have integrity. Be honest with God, yourself and people. Periodically ask God to purge you of personal or mixed motives. …When self-interest is at stake, seek the honest opinions of others and, if necessary, recuse yourself from a decision. Look at all sides of a decision or disagreement, consider other points of view, and treat everyone fairly. – David K. Bernard, Spiritual Leadership article in the November 2018 edition of Pentecostal Life.

These are some of the allegations that I have heard about this church and their pastoral/leadership team. These alone are troublesome, but combined with multiple allegations through the years of unreported sexual abuse cause me to be quite concerned. Why are some so fearful of speaking out and reporting these incidents? If these accounts are true, these people are not fit to hold license with any organization, no matter how many in the organization there are who may not have seen things themselves. If these are true, how has this church been allowed to remain in the UPCI? Has headquarters never received any information about them? Do members not realize there is a judicial procedure in the UPCI where ministers can be confronted about wrongdoings?

Below are the personal thoughts, experiences and opinions of just one former member of this Colorado United Pentecostal Church.

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I remember the Sunday night when I decided I would never come back to that church again. I was sitting in church when, just before service, the then pastor’s wife asked the band to do a run through of the night’s special choir song. Before we started, she said in a serious, bitter tone, “I have friends visiting tonight so you all better not embarrass me!” We were about halfway through the song when she flubbed up the tempo, as was typical, and blamed it on the band. “Stop!,” she screeched, bent over with a look of disgust on her face. She then addressed the band by saying that she could not count on us for anything, that we never get anything right, and that it was our fault if the Holy Ghost “didn’t come.”

That was the moment my chin dropped down to my chest and I realized, this is not a place where Jesus – the real Jesus – is welcome. You see, for four years I had sat there, spending close to 20 hours a week at church, sometimes more, missing out on life because of my great commitment to the excellent music we put forth. We were a stellar band and everyone knew it, but when this woman wanted us six or seven players to copy to a T the likes of the Brooklyn Tabernacle, complete with every hit and swell of their full orchestra, it simply could not be done. But she didn’t accept that.

The prior year, I had served in a key position for the church’s massive Easter drama, witnessing behavior that would have been met with legal action in any other setting. This woman, supposedly the ultimate example of a godly woman, exhibited alarming, non Christ-like, and vicious behavior that no one who is called a leader should ever exhibit. Fits of rage, screaming, dramatic tantrums, and hurling objects such as her microphone across the room. Asking people, “Are you retarded?” when they didn’t do something quite to her liking, telling people they were jokes, and belittling even children who fell short of her expectations. It was an outrage.

Yet that is not the whole reason why I left. For the year leading up to my departure, I had pleaded for a meeting with the pastor. I wanted to discuss my feelings and the evolution of my beliefs, which were leading me to question the doctrines of the United Pentecostal Church. My pleas fell on deaf ears and I was continually blown off. But before that, I was “in” with them. I was one of them. I had enjoyed private dinners in their luxurious mansion, valued at more than $3 million according to the county assessor’s office. These people who are supposed to emulate Jesus – champion of the humble and selfless – were the most lavish people I had ever known. They drive Escalades, Porsches, and Jaguars. The husband sports custom Italian suits, expensive ties, and watches valued in the thousands. The wife wears floor-length furs, Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, St. John, Yves St. Laurent, and every other ultra luxury designer bag, shoes, and outfits. The devil really does wear Prada. They take trips to luxurious destinations around the world, often paid for by church members as coerced anniversary or birthday gifts. Yet the majority of their church is poor.

Where is Jesus in all of this? Where is Jesus when their daughter, who, along with her husband, has taken over the church in recent years, grabs people’s arms so hard it leaves a bruise and threatens them when she thinks they’ve attempted to defy her? Where is Jesus when the current pastor, her husband, threatens people and makes false, damaging, and derogatory allegations about them from the pulpit? Or how about when a staff member, who is on the church payroll, gets caught sending racy photos of herself to boys in the church and more? It all gets swept under the rug. Jesus has left that building.

I know more than one woman who claims that the former pastor, now ‘bishop,’ demanded that she stay married to her husband when he was physically abusing her or having extra-marital affairs. I also know that he told me to my face that I would go to hell for leaving his church. I was then dragged through the mud, publicly shamed and excommunicated, like so many before me were. When a man leaves, they accuse him of being gay or an adulterer. When a woman leaves, she’s a harlot. When anyone defies them, there is hell to pay. They make hollow threats and viciously gossip.

They sift the hard-earned money of the poor from the coffers to fund their lavish lifestyles. In their own eyes, they are above reproach and not to be questioned, but they will face the One who knows and sees all one day. And I don’t want to be anywhere near them when that lightning bolt hits. God have mercy and show them the error of their ways while there is still time to correct it. These people are unfit for leadership, and certainly unfit to represent Christ. They are the epitome of the reason so many have negative views of Christianity and, in my opinion, defile the name of God.

1 Peter 5 (NASB): Therefore, I exhort the elders among you, as your fellow elder and witness of the sufferings of Christ, and a partaker also of the glory that is to be revealed, shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness; nor yet as lording it over those allotted to your charge, but proving to be examples to the flock.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

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Spiritual Abuse & Emasculated Men

A topic that often comes up in our support groups is how women are usually hit harder than men in spiritually abusive churches and groups. It often is mentioned in conjunction with ‘holiness standards‘ and submission. The subject arose once more a couple days ago and in reflecting, I was reminded of some things that married men have shared through the years, a topic that can be difficult for them to discuss. There are men who feel emasculated by the teachings of these churches and how the pastor basically takes their place as the husband. It has been asked, “How many women are having an emotional affair with the pastor and church because their husband can’t quite measure up?”

It seems to happen more often when the man isn’t part of the church or once was but left, or he attends but doesn’t fall in line with all the teachings. However, it also strikes men who are fully immersed in the group. As one shared, “The implied message was that it is more important to be dedicated to the church than it is to your husband. …I didn’t know that the pastor was also married to my wife…strange. Or that he was one of the heads mentioned in the scripture.”

This mindset places tremendous strain and pressure on a marriage and works to emasculate the husband, depriving him of his role and causing him to feel replaced, almost unwanted at times, and less than a man. In situations where there are children, sometimes the wife, and even other family members in the church, will say negative things to the children about their father that can cause relationship problems between them. It can bring untold conflicting feelings, angst and even fear that their dad will burn in hell, a terrifying thought for a child. The women appear to be blinded to the damage they cause as they believe they are following the will of God.

A person asked, “What is it that makes the man (or wife) think he ‘can’t measure up’? …How can a woman put the pastor higher than the man that brings home the bacon, pays the bills and cares for the family? How is it the man that never mowed the lawn, never paid one household bill (probably does not even hold a job) is the man that is superior?” This thought of any pastor being superior to others does not fit in with how the body of Christ is described in 1 Corinthians 12.

One man responded, “This is what the man is reduced to bringing home the bacon, paying the bills, and supplying non-emotional or spiritual needs. Anything else is perceived as an effort to try and convince or change the doctrine/beliefs of the wife, which in turn leads to accusations of the husband trying to break up the family. Unfortunately the woman in many cases makes the statement, ‘when I see you praying, and fasting, (until I see you are worthy) then I will submit to your authority or consider you the priest of our home.’ This obviously is not consistent with scripture.”

In these unhealthy churches, the pastor is usually considered superior to others in the church and this plays into the emasculation of the other men. In fact, some pastors flat out tell people to imitate them in prayer, worship, dress, etc. In addition some claim that one cannot be saved without them. “The only way you’re ever going to get to Christ is to follow a man of God. The only way that you’re ever going to make it in the rapture is to follow a man of God. Amen! You can’t make it without a pastor.” (Quote is from the linked to video.)

So how does the man (pastor) appear superior to the husband? “When he is one who holds dedication, loyalty, and commitment overhead with hell fire and damnation, he certainly can [appear superior]. Conversely, because of the impression he gives of having a pipeline directly to the throne, and with statements and perceptions that no one can or should be more spiritual than the pastor, sure, that husband will never and can never measure up.” Imagine how this makes the man feel and what it does to him and how it insidiously works to destroy the marriage. If that man eventually gives up and walks away, it is entirely blamed on him for not measuring up.

Some seemingly fight a losing battle in attempting to regain their rightful place in the family. As long as the spouse places the pastor and church above her husband, there will be problems in the marriage and sometimes it cannot be overcome. Unfortunately, pastors have told wives to divorce. “Apparently, the pastor told my wife that if I don’t come around, and fall in line with all that he teaches, she shouldn’t stay with me. The same man who married us, suggests that, for the sake of her soul, she should probably leave me.” Such counsel goes against the admonition of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7.

A woman shared some observations, “I have seen this kind of stuff going on. Women who think their husbands have no merit in the kingdom of God just because they aren’t like other women’s husbands. They usually have no respect for them and undermine their authority in the home. The children are taught that their father does not know anything. They are pretty confused… The wife runs to the pastor or other spiritual men, counseling with them. She constantly compares her husband with other men….why can’t he be like them?

“…I think if we were not taught erroneously to begin with…that the pastor is like the Pope and only he can hear from God for us…then many of us would have better marriages and better relationships with God. I have never spoken with men to get their viewpoint of what they think of their wives running off to the pastor every time they turn around. I think some of them are conditioned to think it’s OK.”

Another woman told of an event. “Last year at summer camp all the women were invited to lunch with the pastor and were also shown his bedroom with the comment ‘see how clean and tidy he is, not like your slobby husbands.’ Well, for those women with slobby husbands I’m pretty sure they did get mind problems the next time their husband left his clothes on the floor, remembering that nice tidy pastor’s room (which had been cleaned beforehand by a few of the women anyway). We were continually reminded of how our husbands didn’t measure up but if you dared to come out with it yourself you were a Jezebel bitch. So it was a no win situation for everybody.”

This is a very serious problem in unhealthy churches. While there are people who sincerely believe they are doing God’s will by placing church and pastor above their spouse, they fail to realize how their actions are ripping their family apart, harming their children and causing excruciatingly deep hurt to their spouse. Is this not spiritual adultery as one man observed? Take to heart what he shared. “This is so true. Not only putting the pastor in the place of God, but putting the pastor or church above the place of your husband. The hierarchy that God designed and that Paul outlined is pretty much cast into the fire by the UPC, there is no church, or pastor between God, the Man, and his Wife. It is so wrong for the pastor to demand a devotion to him, his doctrine, his perspective, and his general way of doing things. Sometimes I don’t think they do this openly or even purposely but they use various controlling techniques to demand devotion in general.

“It is so funny how most every UPC church has a name, but we don’t refer to them that way, instead we say, ‘I used to belong to Bro. Smith’s church, or I visited Bro. Jones’ church, or my sister belongs to Bro. Johnson’s church.’

“I would covet an opportunity to talk to a pastor’s wife to see how she felt about or even realizes that her husband has the devotion and attention of the women in their church above and stronger than the devotion to their husbands. How many people have the courage to call it religious and maybe spiritual adultery?”

Read Religious Cuckoldry by Dr. Michael Warstler, an essay on this same topic.

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The Dress

It was camp time, and I, as usual, didn’t have much money for the fancy evening clothes that most people my age would be wearing. Looking through the thrift stores, I found one dress. It met all the requirements: 3/4 sleeves, mid calf, not too fitted, high necked. It was a beautiful antique green-gray with a cream background, and it fit me perfectly.

Since having been kicked out of my previous church because my former pastor “felt in his spirit” that I was “lusting after” him, I hadn’t felt like looking very pretty. I had started, in my mid 20s, dressing in bulky dress jumpers a size or two too large, in dull or dark colors. This wasn’t modesty, though I didn’t know it then. It was humiliation and depression and a very unhealthy body image.

I wanted to look pretty in a way, but I was also very embarrassed about looking good. Wasn’t that immodest? Would I look sexy? I never wanted to be accused of causing a man to lust again. But I also wanted to look attractive. I saw other women my age at church. They didn’t dress like I did, and they weren’t accused. They were admired. And then I found the dress.

I questioned whether I should buy it. It looked absolutely great on me… and I wasn’t sure if that was great or terrible. But I loved it so much and I loved the way I looked in it. So I bought it. And the last night of camp, I wore it. I was a little self conscious in it, because I knew I looked good, but worried that it showed my figure more than my bulky jumpers, but I was also very happy with it. And so I shouted through the Friday night service and went back home the next day, very happy with my week.

And then came Sunday morning. The pastor’s wife taught our Sunday School class, and that morning she dedicated the class time to discussing how someone in the class had worn something terrible on Friday night. It was too fitted. It showed way too much. The person who wore it should have worn a girdle. She was so embarrassed for her…. For me. I was a size 6-8. I was 20-something with no kids. I’d never married. And the dress, apparently, though she never named me, was bad. I never wore the dress again.

Looking back now, I have to wonder what her problem was. I wasn’t dressed badly. I actually was dressed more like everyone else than I’d been in several years. I met all the rules of the dress code. Did she pick up on my self consciousness and exploit it? Was she jealous? Or was it just pure spite? If she was really embarrassed for me, if she really cared, wouldn’t she have come to me privately and expressed her concern, rather than spending Sunday morning detailing her embarrassment of the unnamed person to the class? (And wouldn’t she have done the same for whoever it was, if it wasn’t me?)

I wonder these thing now, looking back. I recently lost weight and needed new clothes. The ones I had were so large they were falling off of me. And every time I go to try on clothes that really fit, I think of that dress from nearly 20 years ago, when I was condemned for feeling pretty.

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Harmed In That Cesspool Of Awfulness Part 5

When one has been exposed to spiritual abuse, great harm can be done. While some escape with minimal or no injury, most do not leave unscathed. Those who are particularly harmed are the men and women who were sexually abused, and making that even worse for them, is when a church/minister covers it up and the perpetrator faces no real consequences. By failing to report these to police, I believe these ministers are partially responsible for those who are later assaulted. The stories of sexual abuse are especially heartbreaking as the survivors are forever changed. You will notice that this installment in the series has a different title and it is taken from a woman’s comment that is seen below. I saved these for last due to the nature of their experiences and because this is a lead-in back to my earlier series on the United Pentecostal Church And Sexual Abuse.

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. I received enough responses to make five blogs. [See also Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.] These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation and emoticons have been removed. Each person is separated between using and not using quotation marks. Note: In the second story, some statements that are included were made in further discussion after the initial statement. These are noted by brackets and placed inside the original statement so that it flows better as compared to adding them all afterward.

Oh how can I even put down every time they hurt me… every time I wasn’t good enough, every time I was shunned. Ministry kicked me many times while I was down, told me to stay away from people. I was kicked out of a UPC Bible college for kissing, lol. I was raped and then threatened by ministry to keep it quiet, because they wouldn’t back me. When I went back to Bible school in the states, as soon as I made the decision to leave, a minister taught a class on how much of an adulteress I was, while one of my friends defended me then [was] kicked to the streets while trying to get the remainder of my belongings. They were afraid of my influence. Then when I left UPC, I had emails telling me how I wasn’t leaving due to theology issues but my heart and how corrupt it was. Other than all of that, the control, the dictatorship and the abuse. The many times I didn’t line up because my hair wasn’t right or my skirt long enough. I have found forgiveness, I have healed a great deal… but these scars will never be able to go away because they are a part of me… they are now who I am. And I have no doubt someone UPC would read this and cast blame on me… perhaps I should have been a better Christian.

Wow. Loaded question. This would take a book.

My parents started going when I was in 3rd grade. My mom was mentally unstable and the UPC gave her a place to hide. I firmly believe that she would never have gotten away with her behaviors if she had lived in “normal” society. So that just set us up for more vulnerability.

I was targeted by an older man, my Sunday school teacher, and was raped by him at 14. He had been sexually assaulting me since the month I turned 12. I was threatened, verbally and psychologically abused by him for years. His friend (who I’m convinced these guys were all there to prey on younger girls), also stuck his hand up my dress/underwear and wouldn’t remove it. When the pastor found out, I was told it would make the church look bad and threatened that I’d get kicked out of the church school. (Which is another point of contention – the lousy education I received.)

Things only got worse. I was kinda forced into marrying my abuser, who was 17 years older than me. I took one for “team UPC.” They got rid of their child molester by marrying him off. Or they thought – because you can’t pray that away.

Needless to say, that marriage was a disaster. He was a “minister,” who couldn’t hold a job, liked porn and young girls, and was a wreck. I finally left, and the church treated me like garbage. I was shunned by everyone. [When I was trying to leave, he drug me up by the baptismal, and yelled at me, asking if I wanted my teeth rearranged, and then punched the wall next to my face. Not a single soul in that church did anything. They all viewed it as “righteous anger” and I was backsliding so I must’ve deserved it.] The pastor told me not to “rock the boat,” among other things, to “encourage” me never to tell, and boom, next thing I knew I was a lesbian, on drugs, had cheated, you name it, they made up rumors about me. [I could go on. Ha. But the control they had over me, the manipulation, the way I was beat down and taken advantage of, is shocking.]

[Sadly, I was not the only one. Our pastor knew of many cases of sexual abuse and only threatened the victims with silence. Never did anything to the perpetrators. It was rampant there. The church’s methods were awful. Truly deeply harmful.

Thankfully I ran. Oh, I’m so happy I left that cesspool of awfulness.

I imagine that my experiences are extreme but it is my experience. My UPC pastor did not report the sexual abuse that I reported to him when I was a child. Not only was it not reported, but many people from the organization still associate with my abuser. I feel that the church I attended did not care about Christ’s general message. When my family was hungry no one helped us. When we didn’t have electricity no one helped us. Your importance within the congregation was directly associated with how much money you gave. I also feel that my self-confidence was damaged because of the way that our church talked and taught about women. I could list many many many more things but we would be here all day.

…I have suffered a lifetime of trauma due to the sermons and teachings around the devil, hell, and the rapture. That is the primary cause of my PTSD.

I feel like my situation was likely more extreme. The Wisconsin UPC in general is pretty messed up but I lucked out with the pastor who was obsessed with unpardonable sins and had the most bitter woman as a wife.

One of my first memories of the UPC is an adult male church member giving me quarters to sit on his lap. This is beyond not normal/appropriate.

I’ve talked about the anxiety, fear, depression I experienced due to the sermons I was exposed to. My best friend in the UPC was raped by her own brother (also UPC) and he also used to be inappropriate with me…not rape but still not remotely OK. There was a heavy layer of sexual inappropriateness in that church….way beyond normal teen hormones. I remember senior guys in the k-12 school we attended teasing me about being flat chested and they’d lift up our skirts and thought it was funny. I was maybe 11 or 12 at the time.

The pastor dealt with all this because we keep things in the church.

We’d have to kneel in front of the pastor’s wife and if our school uniform skirts didn’t hit the ground we were sent home.

The pastor’s son was/is mentally ill and is now in his 70’s. He used to corner us in the church basement and ask us out when we were around 15. He was well into his late 40’s at that point. He continues to harass young girls to this day and the excuse is “It’s just Michael being Michael.”

These are just a few small examples from my childhood.

I feel like we’ve been hit in every area. Our situation isn’t as tragic as many others, but it has certainly messed with us. Spiritually: I feel like we are in limbo. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I know we have deep grooves in our brain that lead us back to what we’d been indoctrinated with, and fighting our way out of those grooves has been hard. Learning to think outside of the UPC box has been challenging, but we are getting there. I am afraid to trust any “spiritual leader” or walk into a church.

Emotionally: There are so many “triggers“… when I think of anything UPC I cringe. When I think of friends who shunned us because we moved from one church to another when we moved an hour away, I feel abandoned. When I think of the pastors who manipulated us in so many ways, I feel disgust and anger. When I think of people who are still in the UPC and not realizing what is going on, I feel sorry for them. When I think about raising our kids in that environment, I feel guilt. When I think about how judgmental we were, I feel shame. When I look in the mirror I am embarrassed and disgusted. When I think about all the money we sacrificed to the UPC, I feel regret. On and on. It sounds like I’m a mess, and honestly, I’ve never been happier or felt more freedom, but when I am trying to deal with what we’ve been through, all these feeling start to swirl. I know they will decrease in time, and in fact, they are becoming less frequent and intense, but it’s still draining.

Physically: Up until we got into the UPC when I was 27, I was physically active and fit. I water skied, para-sailed, fished, camped, played softball, did Jazzercise, played racquetball, swam, hiked, wore a size 8 or 10 and felt OK about myself. After I got in the UPC and started dressing like a bag, not being active, eating more, spending less time outside, I became overweight. There are other reasons that play into that, too, but much of it is because I just quit doing things I loved. My self esteem is at about zero. I’ve recently reconnected with high school friends, who of course I didn’t spend time with while in the church unless they were interesting in converting. So many of them want to get together, but I’m so ashamed of how I look I can’t face them. I just want to crawl in a hole or starve myself until I am presentable. I hate the clothes I wear. I feel like I stand out with these nasty skirts and t shirts. I can’t wait to change my wardrobe…and it’s coming, but I’ve not yet been able to buy new clothes or feel good about any pants I’ve tried on. It’s coming along, though.

Financially: We totally supported the church with our tithes and sacrificial giving. We have never had extra money, and it took so much self discipline to always give 10% plus another 5 and sometimes10% more! We went without many things. That doesn’t bother me, but what does bother me is how it affected the kids. It was hard on them to see their friends with spending money or new clothes, and they had very little. We weren’t poor, but we were tight all the time. And then to see the pastor and his family living in luxury, being given lavish gifts, vacations, cars, boats, new home, etc. really hurts. It hurts because it’s all at the expense of the people who are living without so they can give to the church. We figured it out and the money that we’ve given to the church could have paid off our house, our car and allowed us to have a savings. Instead [my husband] is working two jobs and I’m making bars of soap to sell in order to make ends meet. It’s just wrong. Why were we so gullible!? Why didn’t [we] see what was going on years and years ago? Regret.

Family: Our family has been damaged. My daughter was preyed upon by an older, married man, and was seduced by him, married him after he divorced his wife, and then was abused by him for 15 years. We were told by the pastor that the person who did this to our daughter would be reported to the police, (before they got married and all that came after), but we recently found out it never was. That’s another story, but my point is, this hurt our family. All three of the kids lost their youth. Their education was lacking. They were not active in community. They didn’t have friends outside the church. We didn’t go on vacations because we didn’t have money and wouldn’t miss church. We always put church first and missed many family milestones, get togethers and events. I know our families resented it and all the while we were holding our noses in the air thinking we were super Christians for doing it. Putrid! I can’t think of any area in our life that wasn’t affected or harmed by being a part of the cult. It will take time, but we will recover and continue to live in freedom! I look forward to what is left of our future.

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When The Church(Pastor) Invades Your Home

Recently I was reminded of several events of home invasion that took place during my time in the cult – the independent Oneness Pentecostal church I belonged to for 15 years, that illustrates the overbearing control some pastors and leaders take over the flock, the congregation, the members, and how that control ultimately leads to invading your personal life, your home, and sometimes, your person.

I would be remiss, due to recent comments, not to mention that not all Oneness Pentecostal pastors and churches do all of the things I mention in my blog. However, I believe the Oneness Pentecostal movement as a whole is a cult, and it’s doctrines lead to abuse and deception, and while I will make a disclaimer that not everything I write about is attributed to every church, it is pervasive in the system, and this is evidenced by the hundreds of interviews and contacts I have had from United Pentecostal, independent Oneness, and other Oneness Pentecostal people, not just my personal experiences.

First, let me start by asking the question, “Does the church belong in your home?”

It is no doubt to me, that your home life should be reflective of your Christian faith and convictions. We shouldn’t have a double standard for our ‘public’ life, and our ‘private’ life, but there definitely is a distinction between the two. And, as Christians, if we believe that God dwells in us, by the gift of the Holy Spirit that dwells in our heart, our being, then surely, God is in our home.

But does the church belong there, and when I say church, I mean the rules, dogmas, and wishes/commands of the pastor. For instance, in the Oneness Pentecostal church, women are forbidden from wearing pants, as they consider it unholy. They teach, that anything that splits the leg is men’s apparel. Of course, then they go on to demand women wear pantyhose..which splits the leg – but I digress.

It so happens, that this teaching prevails upon the homes too – for it has been taught, Don’t you think you can go home and wear pajama pants, and pants at home just because no one can see you. Again – this never made sense to me, because if the point of holiness in dress standard is not to cause other people to lust after you and slip up (morally) – and no one is there to see you…what does it matter what you wear? But again, I digress.

Monitoring Your Behavior

Around 2010-2011, in the church I attended at the time, the pastor was coming against the ‘dangers of the internet,’ and no one can doubt there are bad things on the internet if one goes looking for them. The approach was, and he asked me many times how to do it, knowing I was a computer nerd, to require church members who were in any way involved in ministry, Sunday School, Bus Ministry, Music, etc., to put a software on their home computers to block things that were considered ‘wrong.’ It was strongly encouraged that the whole church participated with this program, and probably the majority did. We simply did what our pastor told us to do.

That list of ‘wrong’ of course, was focused on pornography, violence, alcohol, and streaming of movies, television, etc. What was intrusive was that it wasn’t up to you install this software, or to control your own behavior. The software could only be installed by elders in the church, who came to your home to do it.

These elders installed the software with a password you could not be given, and the software could not be removed from your computer without their permission and password. Furthermore, it sent nightly emails to the pastor of your online activity, alerting them to you trying to access things that they didn’t want you accessing, and even telling them if you tried to uninstall it.

One young man in the church told me, “They did it with my tablet but as soon as I got it back I factory reset it.” They wanted this software on any phones and other mobile devices that could access the internet as well.

Of course, over time that demand settled. I would guess the majority of people got new computers and devices and never reinstalled it. I would also guess, the sheer volume of ‘monitoring’ time it took the pastor and his son (the son is now the pastor) would be overwhelming. Micromanaging people is a daunting task.

I, too, had the software on my home computer for awhile, but was tired of the restrictions and eventually reinstalled Windows to remove it. As a web designer with many ‘wine’ based clients, the software blocked me from going to websites that were about wine and it was constantly a major challenge to my business.

What has made it worse was that around 2015, the churches non-accredited private Christian school (which is just a fundraising and indoctrination arm of the church) went digital and changed curriculum, which required families with children in the church to purchase Chromebooks for their students. I’m a huge fan of digital, so this was a brilliant move to me, having children living like they were in the Little House on the Prairie times – they needed to be introduced to modern technology – but then the insidiousness of home invasion began anew. It was required that monitoring software was placed onto each Chromebook (which was not church/school purchased) so that school staff would be alerted to any young person infracting the church rules.

And even more ridiculous were the infractions. My good friend, who has disowned me because I now speak out against this church, was in charge of setting up these Chromebooks and told me “Kids were trying to look up Odyssey on there, or the weather, so I would call the school supervisor and tell her, ‘um’, you might want to go check on….”

This again is the church invading the personal and home life of its members, using control and fear tactics to keep people in line, teaching that absolute obedience to the pastor is required to be ‘righteous‘ before God. It is truly mind-boggling that a group of people (myself included for 15 years) would give another flawed and angry human being this level of control over their lives.

Letting the Preacher In

The second event wasn’t really an event, but an understanding, something the preacher would say from time to time to drive in the point of having the ‘right spirit’, or attitude of respect and obedience to the ministry.

“You should have the attitude that if I wanted to come to your home, and look through your drawers, and cabinets, and rooms, you would let me.”

This was such a devious teaching because as all of Satan’s lies, there is always this thin layer of truth covering the stink of rotten meat. In layman’s terms, the principle was that we shouldn’t have anything in our lives, and in our homes, that we would want to hide should the pastor come over. But, they spun it in such a way, that by osmosis, you would believe that he had the right to inspect your home whenever he wanted to.

It was this attitude of authority – that the preacher was God incarnate, the vicar of Christ, the authority of Jesus, the harbinger of His will.

In Family Class, which if you had children in the church’s (non-accredited) private school, you had to attend, they taught at times on what kind of underwear your daughters could wear.

In marriage retreats, several times it was covertly (via euphemisms and vague references) taught what types of sexual behaviors were allowable between husbands and wives. My pastor taught against masturbation, oral sex, and other ‘behind closed doors’ behavior, as if he had any business being there.

In other cases, several times in the church I attended, and in reports from other UPC church attendees (or previous/ ex-attendees), the Pastor would come to the person’s home after service, if that person wasn’t in church, and demand to know why he wasn’t there, all in the spirit of love and concern for his soul, I’m sure, and make sure they attended the next service.

My last example is my old pastor telling my wife how much weight she could lose. She had been dieting for some time after having our first child and was working to remove some of that extra baby cushion. The pastor met us in the middle aisle of the sanctuary, made some small chat, and then told my wife, who looked and looks great by the way, “You’ve lost too much weight, you need to stop.”

Conclusion

As the majority of my work is now focused on high-control and cult style systems, I must confess this writing is as a warning to you, who may read this, that if you or a loved one find themselves in a situation where this level of control is being demanded, it is a cult, and a very traumatic and dangerous situation to be in. It will be equally traumatic to exit but exit you must.

As with all cults and high-control systems, your exit will be just as painful as the realization that you are being controlled. Having your best friend disown you because you speak out against it. Having friends cut you off for ‘questioning’ the control. Children may move away from parents, and parents may deny their children unconditional love, conditioned on their obedience to the system.

As with the pyramid image above, these systems are a #1 – ‘We tell you what to do’, and this will often involve your vacations, jobs, purchases, finances, etc. Be wary and avoid these places, run from them, and if necessary, get your family out of them. They may not be willing to come, but over time, if you show unconditional love, they will see the difference between the offer of freedom that Jesus gave, and life has for them, vs. the demands of bondage these evil men require.

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