The UnBoxing Project: Defecting from a cult

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on March 8, 2015 as part of a series. 

Continued from Racquel’s story

Liz was part of our network that helped Racquel and Ashley as they left the cult environment of the First United Pentecostal Church of Colorado Springs. Here is her perspective.

Photo: Wil C. Fry, creative commons license.

Nearly two years ago, I received text messages from Eleanor about a friendship between two girls that had been recently forbidden by their religious leader.

I was asked to attempt to sneak a cheap TracFone to one of the girls at her school because I would not be recognizable to her parents, who had confiscated all her means of communication. Unfortunately, she wasn’t in class that day.

Eventually, they acquired their freedom by leaving their church behind and living with friends.

Most people assume their own community has only good intentions in mind for members. Why would we believe otherwise if an overwhelming majority of us were taught that strangers are the ones who seek to hurt us?

In reality, data suggests that most cases of violent crime and sexual assault occur between people who are at least acquainted with each other or in regular physical proximity.

In spite of statistical and factual realities, we teach our children to fear strangers. We teach them to avoid the rare anomalies but fail to teach them to look for warning signs in the mundane. This contributes to the denial in identifying abusive communities when people are a part of one.

Instead, people taught to fear the outside world might think that to leave would be worse.

The philosopher Hannah Arendt says that evil is banal. It is predictable, common, and is generally perpetuated by unremarkable people motivated by their own, typically material needs.

An intense, outward adherence to a particular ideology or manifestation of a psychological condition might be present in the situation, but neither are enough to explain why communities as a whole behave a certain way.

In other words, abusers are regular people and not the monstrous caricatures we see on TV or evil stepmothers in children’s fairy tales. There might be a few narcissists and sociopaths at the upper echelons dictating the orders, but several people who are afraid of seeking out other dissenters within the group.

With hierarchy and scale, diffusion of guilt and responsibility is inevitable. Diffusion of guilt is generally paired with resistance to collective guilt that should logically follow the diffusion.

The lower end claim to be following orders, the higher ups claim they didn’t personally do it.

It’s the same garbage that makes none guilty for abuse that many participated in. It is as if people hope that with sufficient diffusion, the amount of culpability per person is rendered insignificant. Dilution of active ingredients in homeopathic “remedies” operates this way.

Abuse as a phenomena doesn’t become significant simply because the perception of responsibility among abusers is thinly spread out because there is always someone else to blame in the eyes of the guilty such that their victims somehow become responsible for their own abuse.

What I’ve gleaned from my studies in history and politics is that there is a tendency to conceal or otherwise diminish the significance of abuses as a means of trying to protect the legitimacy and reputation of an organization such as the Catholic church, many American universities, collegiate and professional sports teams, the entertainment industry, among many other examples.

When an organization cares more about protecting its own reputation than removing abusers or helping victims, there is a reason to question the validity and value of such an institution and the complicity of people within afflicted organizations.

Even if an individual abuser recognizes the harm they cause, to reject the cultural norms is to risk being socially ostracized and possibly, their standard of living. Obedience experiments by Milgram and replicated by others show that people are generally submissive to figures of authority up to a certain point.

It is likely that people from more isolated communities would escalate punishments further when commanded by members of their community than people from the general population being instructed by a stranger because of a greater sense of obligation and desire to belong in the former.

Defection is complicated. It comes with a high price tag in both an absolute and perceived sense.

People in deliberately isolated communities are generally taught that outsiders are evil, that its their own fault for being mistreated or that victims deserve it, and that the victims aren’t being treated badly in the first place. If maltreatment is believed to be normative and benevolent it tends to make victims attempt to justify what is going on as a means of internalizing conflicting messages.

The more isolated people are, the harder it is for them to recognize their own condition and the more complex the logistics of leaving becomes.

Liz received training at a local college in her hometown so that she could teach freshmen at her high school about how to avoid and recognize dating violence, local resources for victims, and statistics regarding the frequency of rape and lack of conviction. She was also a student teacher who assisted with evening adult education courses in sexual assault escape and self-defense offered by her school to the community.

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The UnBoxing Project: Racquel’s story

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on March 7, 2015 as part of a series. 

Continued from Why did you call it the UnBoxing Project?

Content Note: religious manipulation, forced starvation

Eleanor and Racquel hiking the Incline near Colorado Springs in fall 2013. | Photo: Eleanor Skelton

Racquel grew up attending the First United Pentecostal Church of Colorado Springs, now known as Heritage Pentecostal Church. This is Racquel’s story, in her own words. 

Somehow I never imagined that the inner peace and joy I felt as a 5-year-old girl after being filled with the Holy Ghost would later disgust and scare me.

I am writing this because I believe my voice should be heard. I hope that by telling my story it will help my healing and others with similar stories as well as prevent more stories like mine from happening.

The music was loud, and the atmosphere was pulsing with energy.

I wanted to show how much I loved God, so I went up to the front of the sanctuary and danced with all my might, letting my tears flow. I had been taught that I should dance before the Lord and not let anyone’s opinion stop me.

Often, I was the first one or the only one at the front of the church.

This was good. It meant I was a leader, and that I was fighting spiritual warfare. It would also show my pastor, who was God’s voice in my life, how my walk with God was and what a good apostolic young person I was.

I remember night after night where this was my mindset.

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Racquel (far left, wearing an orange dress) speaks in tongues on the front row during Heritage Youth Conference, fall 2011. | Photo: First United Pentecostal Church of Colorado Springs

I was isolated from other members of the youth group because I would refuse to do things that the pastor had commanded us not to, like riding in a car with a guy unless it was approved or unless a married approved chaperone was in the car.

However, there were also the many, many times where I sat or knelt at the altar, weeping and feeling the guilt of my many sins when I simply failed to uphold the standards because I had listened to unchristian music, watched a TV show, or could not stick to a daily prayer life.

For years, I went through a cycle of getting in trouble with my best friend, Ashley, for questioning the pastoral authority and why we held to some of our standards, sometimes completely disregarding the rules, and then being told that my best friend and I should not talk or hang out because our personalities did not complement each other.

Meanwhile, I stood by as she was abused in so many ways by both the pastoral authority and her parents. The only thing I could do was be there for her.

In January 2013, my best friend and I had come to the conclusion that we did not and could not agree with the church. However, we were discovered yet again and ripped apart.

This time, the pastor lied to both of us, trying to turn us against each other by saying that the other one had ratted us out.

At the direction and guidance of the pastor, Ashley’s parents were punishing her for not losing weight because it was said that God could not use her unless she lost the weight. Because of her inability to meet their demands, she had begun starving herself.

I texted her one night in compassion and frustration that she should “F*** (written politely as $@##) what they think” to drive home to Ashley that starving herself was not the answer, and that her parents and pastor were wrong.

During one of the long sessions in the pastor’s office after getting caught, I discovered the pastor had hacked into my best friend’s phone and found my text.

I was questioned about my lack of respect for authority.

My hands were tied as I seethed in anger not able to tell the pastor the context of the text, lest the abuse she suffered would increase, because the pastor was part the abuse.

Back then, Ashley was too scared of losing her parents and being kicked out to do anything other than play along with them. When she was 19 years old, her parents and the pastor stripped every form of communication, transportation and even her ability to go to college from her.

She was not even allowed to be alone in her own home at any time.

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Racquel (far right) singing in the choir. Apostolic churches consider leading worship to be a privilege called being “on the platform.” Anyone who questions authority or church beliefs may be removed from the platform as form of social shaming. | Photo: First United Pentecostal Church of Colorado Springs

In March, the deception worked, and the pressure finally broke me to the point that I gave in and did exactly as the church and the pastor wanted me to do. I felt helpless and that the reason for these crazy feelings must be because I was not submitted to them.

I continued to not talk to my best friend and tried to force myself into the mold they had created for me with my approved Christian friends and guilt-ridden prayer life.

I still had all of the same questions.

Why must a man my pastor dictate to me what God wants and God not talk to me directly? Why must I not be allowed to talk to my best friend who was still the most important person in my life?

How could so many injustices and abuse be what a loving god wanted?

So when my little sister decided to leave suddenly and move in with a guy I had never met, and I had no idea were she was or if she was safe, when my approved friends failed, I reached out to the one person I knew who would be there: Ashley.

Within two weeks of resuming secret communication, we had both discussed in detail what we saw wrong with the church, and had stated that no matter what we were going to keep communicating, even if it had to be hidden.

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Ashley, Eleanor and Racquel in August 2013 | Photo: Eleanor Skelton

 














Almost immediately, she started to date a coworker.

On December 15, 2013, her dad followed her to her boyfriend’s house, and that night he kicked her out.

I received a text that said: “They know everything can you come and get me.” I immediately drove to her house and picked her up.

After that, we stayed in Eleanor’s apartment. She had also recently escaped an abusive fundamentalist home.

There has been a lot of healing and learning since then and now. Learning to live outside of the box has not been easy, nor do I think it ever will.

I now have the wonderful freedom of choice, and with that comes what I would describe as both the beauty of a rainbow and the burden of the rain cloud.

Making these choices is the scariest and most exhilarating thing that I have ever done. I have learned and accepted more of who I am.

I can only hope that healing will come in time, and the scars will become less painful.

Racquel graduated with a bachelor’s in psychology from the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs in May 2014. She struggled with undereducation from inadequate homeschooling and Christian private education in her church throughout her time in college. Racquel hopes to pursue a graduate degree in counseling and mental health, and her current job involves assisting troubled teens.

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The Impact of God Distortions

       Many believe in a “God” who hates or condemns those they find objectionable or whose faith they disagree with. No matter whether the excuse is “It’s what the Bible says,” “It’s part of our tradition,”  or “Pastor Whatsis believes that,” the problem is the same: The image of Christ’s self-emptying (kenosis) for our reconciliation is being distorted. Trying to “remake” God because the mercy given to us in the form of Jesus is too much to swallow is one of the biggest traps we often fall into.

     They have tried to create a deity in their own image, a deity whom they want to hate those who differ from them or who gives them license to impose their twisted doctrine on others. The commandment against creating graven images doesn’t just refer to statuary or the other forms that “idols” from various religions take. At the heart of this commandment is not putting anything in God’s place, which is exactly what happens when people try to remake God in their image.  

     Such behavior on the part of professing Christians shows a lack of trust in the One who made them.  In distorting God to suit their prejudices or legalism,  they are demonstrating that lack of trust. Trying to dictate who is or isn’t worthy of salvation based on Scripture-twisting or otherwise attempting to fence God off from those seeking salvation aren’t behaviors of those who put all their faith in the One who made them.

     Fear of The Other dominates those who think this way and their prejudice can have dangerous effects. There is often a fine line between disagreeing with someone’s actions and condemning the people themselves. If we’re to follow the Way of Christ, it must be a way of love.

     God is far more powerful than these distortions and those who create them, as powerful as they may seem to us. When we move past these distortions, we can have a greater appreciation for our Redeemer. Peoples’ distortions of God may seem all-powerful, but we need to remember that God is greater still.

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Constance’s United Pentecostal Church Experience

Below is what one woman experienced being raised in an unhealthy church, how it distorted her view of God causing her to become angry and bitter, and how she has been recovering since leaving. I have added some commentary after it that deals with the standards.

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Here are the facts/reasons why I left the United Pentecostal Church organization when I was 19 years old after being brought up from birth in the same church/organization.

I left as an angry and bitter teenager. I left thinking God (if there was one) was far too unobtainable. He appeared to be angry all the time and was looking for ways to keep me out of heaven. No matter what my parents said to me, it was never enough, it would never heal my broken spirit from all the manipulation and control and mean things that the oppressed members expressed towards me. I hated that they were so devoted to a man that always seemed angry and mad. There were so many things that I could not understand as a young person that I just couldn’t stomach it. I would lay in bed and dream of the day I was old enough to leave.

I hated feeling scared to go to church that he (the pastor) just may call me out because he could read my mind. I felt like I was always being preached at because I am sure he could tell that I was growing cold more and more. I just didn’t care about the people, I thought they were all foolish and weak. They couldn’t make decisions on their own. It was a little church that never grew. One person came in, two were leaving. Most didn’t stay. Only the weak would stay. Asking if you could go on vacation or take a job that would cause you to leave the church for another one was not acceptable. You were always told that it was out of the will of God. Just who did they think they were to tell you what the will of God was or was not for your life? Was it for the money? If your family left that would leave a big gap in the financial stream.

I got so tired of being told on to the pastor by one woman in particular if my hairdo was not holy enough or I curled my eyelashes or… the list goes on.

I so wanted to have a normal life as a child. I wanted to be involved with the outside world but I was so fearful because everything was wrong. I finally came to the resolve that I was just a bad person and that God couldn’t love me and stayed in constant fear that God would come and I was certainly going to Hell. I loved bling and beauty and I hated that I had to look like everyone else and think like everyone else and act like everyone else. I didn’t want to look frumpy, I wanted to have my own personality.

Why can they now do the very things that were forbidden when I was a kid? I remember watching TV at the neighbors (some after school program). I was sent home, scolded and had to pray in my room for an hour to ask God to forgive me. I was so fearful because I was told I would have to tell the pastor. Now they can watch TV, go to movies, go to concerts etc. All the things I wanted to experience was forbidden. What happened? God changed his mind? Did he say, “Pastors, it’s okay as long as everyone pays their tithes and all the other offerings”? Hmmmm not sure about that……

My step son went to a concert and on the way home was in a terrible car accident and the pastor told him that God did it to him because he was rebellious. Really? That same pastor years later had tragedy strike his family and I had always wondered what happened. What was God punishing him for? Oh it wasn’t punishment. I believe now that it rains on the just and the unjust. I don’t feel any ill feelings towards this man, I just feel bad for him that he actually felt this way. (I’m not sure what he feels now because people on his board at the church go to movies, concerts etc.) By the way, my step son is an atheist now.

I never really dealt with the pain that this church caused me. The only way I knew how to deal with it was by being angry. That seemed to help me. It wasn’t until eight years ago that I was in a business meeting for leaders when I heard a speaker that was a Christian teaching us about leadership. I would usually get up and walk out. This time, I couldn’t, it was like I had weights in my behind. I just sat there listening. I totally got what he was saying and something changed in my heart.

You see, when I was little I tried to be a perfect little girl for Jesus. I loved him, I wrote to him in my diary, I wrote songs to him. Then I realized that he was demanding and wanted to see me go to Hell and that is when everything changed. I knew I could never be good enough, I could never please him. I felt when I was created God must have made a mistake. I just couldn’t be like everyone else. I was told that I was rebellious etc. I was so tired of being told that I was bad, not good enough. I think back, I was a pretty good kid that had a little OCD and just wanted to be perfect and excel in everything.

When I got married to my husband we made a vow that we would never go to church except for funerals and weddings. He, too, was a former UPC survivor. We made that vow and all was going great. Then here we were at a weekend event for leaders and we are now listening to this man speak and our hearts actually opened to receive what he had to say. Long story short, we both wound up receiving Christ into our lives in a new, fresh and beautiful way. It changed us on every level. No, we did not do anything like we were taught in the UPC ways and yet God transformed our hearts.

What I have noticed is that even though life is good, there is still residue from my old life in the UPC. I don’t really care what others say or feel about me, but I did care what God felt towards me. I am sorry to say that I had felt that God hated me because I was different from them. I wanted more, I didn’t want to be judgmental, I didn’t want to be like them in any way. When I am with my family I stick out I am sure, but that’s okay. The hard part is, they try so hard to include me but I feel at times that they don’t know what to think. They see I have a walk with God but it’s not anything like what I was taught. I am sure this is confusing to them and that makes my heart sad at times.

What I have learned is this, what matters is what God thinks of me and He is pretty crazy in love with me. Do I have battle scars? Yes. Am I still recovering from a brainwashed life of manipulation and control by man? YES. Will I ever be free from it? YES, not sure if it will be in this life… but I know one thing, I don’t want to be old and bitter so things better change soon because time keeps ticking by…lol. Seriously, not bitter but still dealing with being wounded. My advice, don’t cram it down and pretend it never happened, deal with it and move on.

That’s all for now. My heart tells me that God has something very special for those that have been thrown out for being a rebel, misfit and uncontrollable by religion. Jesus is the same Jesus that walked the earth and He was quite the rebel in the Pharisee’s eyes. He came to give us Life and give it more abundantly. He didn’t come to judge but to love us. If we can only grasp what that truly looks like.

Thank you for listening/reading….

Be Blessed,

Constance

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There are some in the United Pentecostal Church who erroneously believe that the organization now allows the viewing of Hollywood made movies and television programs. This misunderstanding arose when they removed the ban on ministers owning a television set in 2013 and also dropped two position papers (video restrictions and technology) and added a new one on the use of media. I have heard that some ministers almost immediately went and purchased a television set after this change, though some had already been using it for years.

While some individuals and even licensed ministers have taken these changes to mean that things previously prohibited are now permitted, the UPCI has NOT changed their stand against them. The Articles of Faith still state what they have for years: “We wholeheartedly disapprove of our people indulging in any activities which are not conducive to good Christianity and godly living, such as theaters, dances, mixed bathing or swimming, women cutting their hair, make-up, any apparel that immodestly exposes the body, all worldly sports and amusements, and unwholesome radio programs and music. Furthermore, because of the display of all these evils on television, we disapprove of any of our people having television sets in their homes. We admonish all of our people to refrain from any of these practices in the interest of spiritual progress and the soon coming of the Lord for His church.”

In the UPCI Manual, it is made clear what ministers may and may not view when it comes to the use of media. Article VII, Section 7 and 29 states, “The use of all media technology must strictly be limited to educational, religious, inspirational, and family content that is consistent with wholesome Christian principles. No minister shall use television or other media technology for the purpose of viewing worldly, carnal and unwholesome media; endeavouring to maintain a Godly atmosphere and influence in their lives.”

So while some ministers, churches and church members have let down on these standards, the United Pentecostal Church still states that they are against such things.

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The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 1

I am going to use Becca Anderson’s and Jennifer Redcay’s book, Pushing Back the Darkness, to share some thoughts about spiritual abuse. Near the beginning of the book, it says,

The heart of the issue in Jennifer’s experience of being drawn into a cult was her lack of discernment about the things the leader was telling her. It sounded so great to hear that he thought she had a “special ministry.” Without the tools of biblical discernment, she was unable to separate truth from lies.

Many unhealthy groups either claim God has something special for you or that they are, or have, something special that others do not. It is an exciting feeling to be part of something that appears to be special and important, especially in the spiritual realm. Sometimes people get so pulled up into this aspect, and because they may see some things happening, they may fail to discern what is really going on.

After this, the authors share some helpful points on how to discern truth from error. Below is the first point:

Read the Bible for yourself. Jennifer was a casual Christian. She was not familiar with the Bible and was therefore vulnerable to the leader twisting the Scriptures to suit his own purposes. Biblical knowledge doesn’t come overnight or from casual reading. It takes work. Read it systematically and regularly. If you are confronted with something that sounds like it “might” be from the Bible, or someone makes claims and backs them up with Bible verses, talk to someone more knowledgeable about the Bible (a friend, pastor, etc.) if you do not feel you have the ability yet to properly check out what you’re being told.

Some who become involved in unhealthy groups either have little to no knowledge of the Bible or when they do attempt to check the veracity of what they are being taught, they only know how to study the way the group has shown them. They may not read passages in their proper context. They may not consider the whole, or all, of what the Bible teaches on the subject. By only using the ‘proof texts’ supplied by the group and not reading them in their proper context, it may appear that the group’s teaching is true, even though it is in error.

That is what happened to me when I became involved in the United Pentecostal Church. I had very little Bible knowledge and did not know how to properly study it. The manner in which they pulled out a passage here and there, piecing them together, appeared to make sense and I was hooked and pulled in. Had I read everything in context and considered what the rest of the Bible taught, I would not have come to the same conclusion.

Later when one leaves, sorting through the teachings is an important aspect of healing. Some people shove this to the side, feeling it is unimportant or they are afraid to tackle it. I encourage everyone to take the time to look objectively at what the Bible actually says. You can know if a teaching is based upon the Bible or not. It takes time and it can be difficult to look at doctrines that the group has tied to your salvation and relationship with God. But if you do not tackle these, you may find yourself periodically in fear of something not true. You may forever believe that distorted view of God that was instilled into you. These things may well affect you at least off and on throughout your life if you do not seek these things out for yourself. Don’t allow that to happen.

The second point the authors share is:

Don’t be afraid to question what is said. When the apostle Paul was preaching in various cities, he praised the people of Berea because they didn’t take what he said at face value. They spent diligent time comparing it with the Scriptures they had and learned for themselves he was telling the truth. Anyone who insists you take his or her interpretation and not question it should set off alarm bells. Ask. Dig. Go to those who know more if you need to.

A person who teaches something true is not afraid of questioning. They are assured of their belief and are not insecure or needing to dominate others by commanding them to accept what they teach based on their word alone.

The unhealthy group often has an unwritten rule against questioning their practices and beliefs. A person usually discovers this by making the mistake of voicing a question and seeing how this is twisted into making them look bad and not having enough faith. You are to believe and follow the teachings because the leader said so. They are “watching for your soul” and “must give account” of you to God, so they say.

People all too often place ministers and pastors on a pedestal of sorts and in an unhealthy church this becomes especially dangerous as that will be taken advantage of. The pastor is seen as all knowing, even speaking as the voice of God. Disobedience to pastor is seen as disobedience to God. This places your spiritual welfare and destiny at stake in your mind. It is easy then to take this mindset and create a no questioning rule that can lead the person down all types of treacherous paths.

I cannot recall how many times since 1997 (We just celebrated the 21st anniversary of the spiritualabuse.org website this week.) where I have had people share that they were afraid to question and/or were afraid to voice their questions to anyone at their church. They often learned to push them aside or rationalize them away. “Well, the pastor was put there by God and he knows best.” “If the pastor is wrong, God will correct him.” “There must be something wrong with me that I am having these questions about what is being taught.”

Questions are normal. There is nothing wrong with questions. Jesus himself allowed people to question him. He did not forbid them and he did not berate or turn on people for doing so.

If your church is healthy, they should be open to questions. Leadership should not be insecure and turn you away or view you negatively because you questioned something taught. If you encounter anything else, then take a huge step back as you are likely in an unhealthy group.

The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 2
The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 3

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