Category: recovery | Page 6 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Book Giveaway – Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse

As with all of our giveaways, this is only open to those with a USA mailing address.

The analogy of the maze is a powerful picture of the journey you will go on in this book. In order to reach a point of exploring the features of healthy Christian cultures we must first navigate the difficult experience of spiritual abuse. It may seem strange to spend a considerable time discussing spiritual abuse in a book which also seeks to explore creating healthy Christian cultures. However, we feel that we can’t really explore what is healthy without an investigation of what is unhealthy. If we truly want to build healthier cultures we must enter the maze, look at the dead ends, investigate the loops, explore the multiple routes and ultimately find the exit. – Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys

This is your chance to receive a new copy of Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse: Creating Healthy Christian Cultures by Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys. We previously gave away two copies in our private support group on Facebook. It’s available to order from Amazon for $15.79 for the paperback or $8.49 for the Kindle version. I mentioned this book in a blog about several new books that have been released this year.

We thought it might be useful to include a brief summary of the main features of responding well to a story of spiritual abuse.
1. Actively listen to the story, showing that you are taking it seriously.
2. Ensure the individual telling the story knows that he or she is valued.
3. Do not minimize, judge or defend a person or the church.
4. Be clear about the boundaries to confidentiality.
5. Take care if offering prayer or Scripture as a response- ensure that the individual can make a choice as to whether he or she wants this.
6. Avoid using Matthew 18 as a first principle in responding to a disclosure of spiritual abuse.
7. Do not rush people to a place of forgiveness and reconciliation.
8. Discuss the risk of harm with your safeguarding coordinator/lead and consider next steps carefully.
9. Ensure that there is a policy and procedure including spiritual abuse in your church or denomination and that this is followed. – Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys

This giveaway is a drawing and not a first come, first served giveaway. To enter, just leave a comment to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on Saturday, October 5 at 8pm (eastern time), after which I will draw the winner. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it. There is absolutely no cost to enter. Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as they require approval when you are commenting for the first time.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers.

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Book Giveaway – Traumatized by Religious Abuse: Courage, Hope and Freedom for Survivors

As with all of our giveaways, this is only open to those with a USA mailing address.

To say that it’s a little bit tough to distill recovery from spiritual abuse into one book is kind of like saying it’s hard to fit an elephant through a keyhole. There are simply so many variables, stories, and experiences that it would be impossible to capture every single piece in one volume. What I’ve done in this treatment is give you a framework and some of the basic tools to start your journey. If you’ve been through any other kind of abuse or trauma recovery, some of this may seem familiar; however, I’ve tailored my approach in this book specifically toward religious abuse recovery. – Connie A. Baker

This is your chance to receive a new copy of Traumatized by Religious Abuse: Courage, Hope and Freedom for Survivors by Connie A. Baker. One copy will be given away here and soon we will be having another giveaway in our private support group on Facebook. These two copies have been generously donated to us by the author. It’s available to order from Amazon for $17.99 for the paperback or $7.99 for the Kindle version. I mentioned this book in a blog about several new books that have been released this year.

However, it is important to recovery that survivors of religious abuse eventually call it ‘abuse’ if that is indeed what happened. If we don’t define it, we can’t recognize it or properly address it, which contributes to an ongoing culture that breeds similar abuse. Survivors tend to minimize their experiences- ‘it wasn’t that bad,’ ‘it wasn’t anything like what that other person went through,’ ‘I probably just over-reacted’- in order to survive them. Minimizing may be helpful at first for survival, but full healing requires an accurate assessment of the experiences. We need to name the behaviors as abuse so that we can heal and protect ourselves in the future.- Connie A. Baker

We always provide these at no charge to our readers.

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Soothing the Wounded Innocence

Skipping briskly across the lawn to the growing pile of leaves, her blonde, wavy hair whisks along the curves of her cheeks, lining the grin ever-present on her face. Old torn jeans- one of many ripped and destroyed from countless hours of bike riding, tree-climbing, and mud-pie making- hang down along her scrawny preschool legs and butt-less thighs. How she loves raking the autumn into the largest mountains her scraggly little arms can manage, only to trail-back several feet, pause for a moment, and race toward the colorful peaks, pouncing into the mess of twigs and bugs, as ungracefully as possible, of course. As she stands up and brushes herself off, she slightly adjusts the lacy pink bow in her hair before preparing another pile to demolish. But what happened to this child of yesterday? Where did her joy and innocence go? How did a few years of mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse rip it all away, never caring for the pain and scars left behind?

Late last year, I walked into my therapist’s office, planning on giving a general overview of situations growing up, a mere highlight reel of sorts to give a baseline understanding of the overwhelming issues and struggles left from three years with my mentors in high school and early college. Certain questions were bound to come up and I simply wanted to get them out on the table in order to move forward with working through the trauma of the abuse. What I did not realize was that all of those situations left huge wounds that were never fully healed, seemingly leaving me open and vulnerable to the abuse to come. I did not realize that I would have to go back through each one and soothe that hurting inner child, which is, as I understand it, the subconscious halted at various stages of maturity because of the wounds inflicted and endured.

My hurting inner child in high school, probably fifteen or sixteen years old, is the first one I could see and connect with. She is the one in the middle of the abuse with my mentors. Anytime I see her, she is alone on her bed, often siting with arms wrapped around her knees, deep in thought, or hands attempting to cover the tears streaming down her cheeks. She has told me often, “It is never enough” and “the crazy never ends. There’s always more.” In frustration, trying relentlessly and desperately to simply do right, she feels like a failure, constantly the reason for the pain of those around her. She feels betrayed by those closest to her and the hurt runs deep.

My preschooler, approximately four or five years old, made me extremely hesitant. I knew the pain she would suffer and endure, but more than that, I was ashamed of her. She kept telling me she did not know it was wrong. In the mind of an innocent four-year-old, she did not know the turmoil to come from those actions, yet she was continually blamed for them.

My middle-schooler, about seventh or eighth grade, is hurting. She is the one that is ashamed. She feels like a failure who already ruined her life before it even started. I tell her she’s beautiful, and yet she hits my hand away. She does not think she is attractive. She does not believe she is intelligent anymore. And she does not think anyone would love her for who she is. She feels confused, overwhelmed, and alone. She longs for an understanding friend.

I am learning, slowly, that it is my job to be “mom” to those parts of myself growing that still need comfort. It is my job to be their best friend, protector, and guide. They need to be told that they are loved and lovely, that God made them perfect. That I am sorry I did not protect them before, but I am here now and I am not going anywhere, ever. I am teaching them healthy boundaries, and that their privacy is a boundary to be respected. I am teaching them about self-worth. One of the biggest things right now, however, is telling them that no matter what happens, I am right here, and always will be.

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Art Therapy Toolbox: Getaway Guidebook

If you could go on vacation anywhere you wanted, where would you go? Would it be the warm, sunny beaches of Hawaii or the Caribbean? The tantalizing, exquisite tastes of Italy or Greece? Maybe more of a rugged adventure in the Outback like the Crocodile Hunter? But then again, how is your work schedule? Do you own your own business or does your boss keep you late? How are your finances? The average person simply does not have the funds and the paid-time off to simply take off work on a whim to take an international excursion or a getaway to some remote area of the country. Some have children and pets to care for, or a house and vehicle to look after. Some cannot get away from their classroom or business for more than a few hours, only to attempt a decent night’s sleep. This exercise is designed to facilitate the opportunity for mental “mini-vacations” through the hum and drum of life when a vacation would not otherwise be possible.

Much like the Sensory Relief exercise, this one involves searching through magazines to find locations, places and settings that one finds peaceful or exhilarating, where one would love to go on a vacation. When using the Sensory Relief book, I found that I loved nature and preferred going to a different environment, rather than simply experimenting with the olfactory or auditory senses. Rather than imagining biting into a soft, double chocolate-chip cookie with a crispy outside and delicious, melting chocolate chunks throughout, I found it more effective, personally, to allow my mind to wander to the front of a cozy fireplace, wrapped up safely in a thick, fuzzy blanket.

I cheated a little by searching online for settings that I knew were comforting, rather than searching through magazines, but at this point, I knew what I needed. I needed nature or the hidden comforts of home. Sitting in a church service about evangelism, yet another trigger to my past, I could open the miniature version of my Getaway Guidebook in my purse and escape to this path in the woods where leaves decorated the trail, painted in vast array of fall colors. I could hear them crunch under my feet with every step, ever-so-gingerly approaching the coarse wooden bridge and peering over in awe. I could feel the autumn breeze against my cheeks, relieving the tightness in my chest with the crisp morning dew. While we cannot always take a vacation when we want to, this Getaway Guidebook establishes the opportunity to take a mental getaway for five, ten, fifteen minutes, or more as possible.

*For more art therapy ideas from Managing Traumatic Stress through Art, check out the full list of exercises from the blog post: “Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art.“

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Art Therapy Toolbox: Paving the Way

Where do you see yourself in terms of healing by next month? What about in six months or a year? Five years? Ten years? I saw myself still struggling but hopefully managing better. Not long before this exercise, I finally accepted that depression, anxiety, complex PTSD, triggers, intrusive thoughts and an emotional roller coaster were simply my lot in life, one I may have to deal with until the day I die. I stopped fighting its existence and settled on simply managing. This exercise has been a challenge in terms of realizing and accepting that there truly CAN BE a point of healing. After all the counsel I had received with little progress in nine years, five years of rotating therapists thanks to a government system, my current and absolutely amazing therapist thinking I was mentally healthy- until it all became visible with the next drama-filled, controlling church situation, that is!- and all of the messages on “whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” (KJV, Philippians 4:11), I gave up hope of having my life back. But this exercise gave me a light at the end of the tunnel, a path laden with stepping stones to get there. I could visibly see the areas I needed to develop in to get to where I wanted to be mentally, emotionally, and hopefully, spiritually.

Trauma affects our inner strengths: while some are hindered or seem to disappear, others are strengthened or even created as a result. Certain strengths are particularly helpful with managing stress, especially traumatic stress, and this exercise allows one to create a symbolic path of current strengths and important strengths to develop while moving from the traumatic situation to mental and emotional wellness. With a provided list of inner strengths in hand for ideas and support, I was to choose between five and ten strengths that I currently possess and then describe on paper how they have been affected by my traumatic experiences as well as ones that formed because of them. Later in the exercise, I was to take colored stones and coordinate each one with the inner strengths that I already possess:

- - Strong-will: I am more compassionate towards others, but even-more ready to fight for others and sometimes myself.
    Color Choice: Red- Important but can be dangerous
  - Encourager: I must spend more time caring for myself and my children now than before and I am often discouraged, but I still try to encourage others when I can.
    Color Choice: Blue- Calm, ethos
  - Organizational Skills (new): This has greatly developed as a result of attempting to manage anxiety through obsessive compulsive tendencies.
    Color Choice: Orange- more OCD-based, requires a lot of energy and attention
  - Sensitivity to others: I have always been sensitive to noticing the emotional and circumstantial struggles of others, but I am even more aware. I am now, however, more guarded of my own emotions and struggles.
    Color Choice: Darker Purple- ethos, feelings
  - Curiosity: I am now much more careful.
    Color Choice: Yellow- inquisitive
  - Honesty: This one has been greatly strengthened. I hate being lied to or deceived.
    Color Choice: Green- pure
  - Integrity: When I completed this, I wrote “questionable,” but truly, I have a strong desire to do right, just not under the confines of legalism. I need to figure out what is right in freedom versus what is actually sin.
    Color Choice: Pink- raw
  - Optimism/Innocence (on initial list of affected strengths but not on picture): Basically gone.

Now that I can visibly see a list of my strengths, rather than just the areas I felt like I had failed, the authors provide a list of inner strengths that are key to progressing towards wellness. I was to create several “stepping stones” and chose colors to correspond with the inner strengths already listed directly in the exercise (Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art, Page 28):

- - “Determination to overcome the trauma (Red)
  - Will to struggle and succeed (Orange)
  - Faith in myself and supportive others (Yellow)
  - Courage to explore circumstances and aftereffects of my trauma (Green)
  - Responsibility to meet my personal needs (Pink for vulnerability)
  - Creativity to imagine inner balance (Light purple)
  - Resilience to inner stress (Light blue- requires calmness)
  - Open-mindedness for growth (Yellow- requires optimism)”

While I certainly did not have faith in myself and supportive others, resilience for inner stress, or even the creativity to imagine inner balance, there were several I could see that I already possessed: determination to overcome the trauma, open-mindedness for growth, and working on being responsible to meet my personal needs. Others were just starting to grow: courage to explore the circumstances and aftereffects, and a will to struggle and succeed. I was nowhere near ready for some, but I was surprised to realize that I was already cultivating several of these strengths even though others seemed impossible to obtain.

Finally, I was to design a path that was symbolic of my own recovery process. For me, that path is not straight, but rather winding with twists and curves. It goes to the right, then the left, and back towards the right again. I pictured a traffic circle that looped back to itself, never sure if there would be anything productive or harmful on a given path under already chosen. I chose a snake to represent my trauma, the trauma that started with my mentor’s husband and the hours of mental, emotional and spiritual abuse that went on for years. The hardest part, however, was choosing a symbol to represent “a state of well-being.” Was this even possible? What does it look like? Can I really get from that snake to a place of actually living and enjoying life, a place of spiritual health? I finally settled on a multi-colored heart to represent the various facets of a healthy mental state. I can still only wonder how that time will feel and what it will be like. I am around the middle of my path, unsure of what direction to go in, but I can see those traits I need to develop on the way. I can see the ones that I still have or ones that have resulted because of the trauma. I am not a failure without any character simply because I struggle to read the Bible and pray. But being able to read and pray is definitely one of my future goals for wellness, as is a healthy self-esteem and confidence in how God has made me.

*For more art therapy ideas from Managing Traumatic Stress through Art, check out the full list of exercises from the blog post: “Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art.“

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