Category: recovery | Page 25 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

I was very bad today…

Hee hee but it felt so good!

People from my former church were out in droves today, and even late last night, at the “carnal-val” (as my former pastor would call it) downtown. It has really irked me that he repeatedly had people stand if they went even for an hour and rebuked them for going- even the ones that just went to get some good BBQ! For a couple of years I’ve either snuck over there when I didn’t think I’d see anyone or I’d stay away, even though I enjoy it. Well, this year I could go to the whole thing. And I saw droves of Pentecostals- even young teens walking around by themselves after 11:00 at night… which I wouldn’t recommend in or out of church.

I had reached maximum frustration levels when a bunch of them came to a Christian show and some walked out- from the front row- as the man was giving his testimony. But when one of the women from that church came up to me (she’s actually pretty nice and didn’t mean any harm) and started telling me that the church was involved in the Fourth celebration, having two yard sales at people’s houses, and a bake sale at Walmart, and something else too, I think. (I wasn’t paying much attention, but a yard sale or bake sale didn’t make them a part of anything.) I said, “Oh, wow, they’re everywhere.” She looked at me and said, “Where do you go to church now?”

Now granted, she probably was sincerely curious. She probably didn’t intend to get any other answer than the name of some church. But I kind of grinned and told her, “I do go. But I won’t say where. You know how it is. ‘Garbage goes to the garbage can.’ And no matter what people may say about me, I will NOT let someone call a good church a trash can, just because I go there.” She started to say it wouldn’t happen, then changed her mind and changed the subject. She was still friendly, but did change the subject to the weather.

(My former pastor gets up and announces, when someone leaves and goes to another church, that he’s found another “trash can” for the “garbage” to go to.)

I hope she’ll think about it. Because really, when they talk bad about others just because the “others” love, welcome and accept people and they don’t, they are telling on themselves.

Church Membership

Well, I’ve reached the point where I really want to be a PART of a church again. Not just to attend, but to be actively involved. I’m not sure what I’d like to do or how I’d like to be involved yet. I don’t really want to teach a class or be involved with the young people right now–I don’t want to face down someone with ideas I disagree with, and I know I have some beliefs that are completely at odds with most of the sorts of churches I’ve attended so far. (There are other churches that might be more in agreement with those beliefs, but I disagree with them on other fundamental issues.)

I’ve enjoyed going to Bible study at one church and services at another. I’d be tempted to go to Sunday School at one and church at another if I could find two whose service times matched enough that I could. Still, it would be so nice to feel needed at a church, an active part of the group, doing something with them to make a difference. I guess it’s really been years since I really felt that connection. And it’s been a couple since I wanted it.

So… I want to be part of a church that’s also involved in the community. Just cleaning the church because “God gave us this building” or whatever isn’t going to be enough for me. I want to do something that will benefit others in some way. There are churches in this area that are very involved in the community, almost to the exclusion of Jesus. There are others that treat every involvement as an evangelistic opportunity (to preach at them). I don’t agree with either of these thought processes. There are also many that don’t get involved in anything outside their walls. I think that’s very sad. Many are desperate for workers and dump more and more on anyone willing to help. That’s also sad.

I wonder how long I will be at a church, or whether or not I’ll feel comfortable enough to join. There are things I disagree with, like tithing, that have left several people scratching their heads. There are rumors my former church took everyone’s paychecks and gave them some money back to pay bills–so they shouldn’t be that surprised, I’m thinking. Still, if I wind up in a church that expects those types of commitments, there will be problems. On the other hand, the pastor of the church I’m attending would probably be very understanding and accepting of my disagreements and various odd beliefs as long as I didn’t promote them in his church. For now, I know we disagree on many things from Trinity to the age of the earth, but he doesn’t realize it. But I also know his wife may disagree on some of those points or at least on his way of presenting them. Obviously their disagreements haven’t been a salvational thing or a test of fellowship between them.

So I don’t know. I can go, I can help while I’m there, and then eventually I can leave. Or I can put down a few tentative roots and see how things go. The things I like about the church aren’t even really doctrinal. I like the stability–they agree on a few fundamentals and I share those beliefs. I like the friendliness, the proximity to my home, the fact that I’m accepted even if I haven’t joined and even when I blow their minds with some off-the-wall statement, the fact that I already know quite a few people from my previous job… (which is humorous. Apparently for all the rumors that I only hired people from FT, I actually hired more from this church, and had many MANY fewer problems from them!) I really like the fact that people say “thank you,” don’t push (physically or for me to do anything), and have some shared interests with me. I really REALLY like the fact that the pastor doesn’t think of himself above anyone else. No reserved parking place, even!

But are those reasons to join a church? How long would I stay, especially knowing that I disagree on some other things, or that I dislike a few things (the way they do studies based on people’s books, their focus on ‘witnessing’)? Should I trust them, even if so far I don’t see any really unhealthy signs? Am I just latching onto anyone right now, or falling into the same old trap of love bombing?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. A few I think I may know, but I’m still cautious.

Just thinking out loud.

Just Being Neighborly

I was reminded of the Good Samaritan today…

This morning on my way into church, there was a vehicle with a flat tire. I told an usher (I don’t usually go there) and he looked out, shrugged and said he didn’t know whose it was. He didn’t go out of his way to find out, either. I told another, and he didn’t help either. After church I waited around. The vehicle didn’t leave… most people did. I left a note under the wiper blade and went back in one last time to ask if it belonged to a friend of mine who lives out in the country, knowing she wouldn’t be able to change it or air it up where she was headed. The pastor was the first one I saw, and I asked if he knew anything about the vehicle. Immediate concern, and then ‘I hope it’s not…’ He looked out, immediately thanked me and went out to look at the tire. It apparently belonged to someone who was struggling with some things. If we’d let them drive off, they might have had to pay for a tire they couldn’t afford, and more than that, they might have wondered if anyone cared. As it was, they came out to find the pastor and a deacon down on their knees looking for the nail in the tire and (I’m guessing) offering to fix it for them for free. Wish those things happened much more often.

I’m still sorting through that. I’ve been debating going regularly to this church. Frankly, the services don’t impress me, but it’s only about three blocks from my house, services are decent, I have several friends there, and… well, several reasons that don’t make it a good church but don’t make it bad either. I like the pastor. He seems to have his head screwed on straight. He listens and is involved but doesn’t put himself forward. If I hadn’t gone back in that last time to check on my friend, and he hadn’t responded as he did, I probably wouldn’t have gone back more than once more. The others I asked really didn’t seem to care. One had even forgotten about it when I went back to ask if he’d found the owner. But his response and the deacon’s (my friend’s husband)… I could live with a church with that kind of heart.

Then too, I was embarrassed because I left after I knew someone would take care of it. But there’s nothing I could have done if I’d stayed. “Yup, it’s flat alright.” They knew that. My extra input on that matter wouldn’t have been helpful at that particular moment. So I know that was a kick back from my former church. I actually TALKED to a pastor (big no-no for me right now) and then I left him in the dirt on the pavement to fix it himself and drove off (which my former pastor would have frowned on if it had been him).

The parable came to mind… who’s your neighbor? I feel I did what God wanted me to do–and more than that, maybe saw what He wanted me to see, whether I decide to go there or not. Just knowing there are people out there who aren’t offended that you don’t do more, take things in stride, and want to help people was a huge benefit to me.

Resting In Christ

A few days ago, I found myself standing in the rain wondering what to do, worrying someone from my former church would come up and say something, feeling frustrated, and feeling like an idiot. I went home and took a nap… and woke up crying. Not hard, but just frustrated.

I must have been half asleep still. I knew that I was reacting to the way things had been in my former church, not to what was really happening that day. I must not have been quite awake. I don’t really remember praying, but in almost the same minute that the tears started, an image came to mind, of Jesus holding me like He would a child, hushing me and telling me everything was alright.

I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I’d let Jesus really quiet me. I don’t know how to put it in words, but there’s a difference between saying we trust Him and resting in Him, knowing He loves us. Maybe it’s the difference between the child who screams and pushes away from the parent in anger, wanting what they want-right now- and nothing else, and the child who asks and accepts the parent’s answer, knowing that though they may want one thing, the parent may have something better in mind.

As a Pentecostal, I was taught to “intercede,” to “pray until something happens,” to “pray through,” to fast until I got a “break-through”… if I didn’t get married or didn’t get the job or some other “blessing” I was told that I “must not be praying hard enough” or was told maybe I should “fast for it.” But I don’t have to struggle or worry or wrestle with God for what I want. Not only should I want what He wants and trust that’s exactly what I’m getting, but also rest in the simple fact that He’s in charge, He loves me, and He has our best interest in mind.

Bible Reading

Going back through some of my blogs, I realize how much things have changed in a short amount of time. I mentioned a few months ago that I was having trouble with Bible reading, and wanted to respond to that now.

I still don’t tend to pick up a Bible and start reading. My former church was heavily into the BREAD program, where everyone is supposed to read a certain number of chapters (and certain ones, designated by a sheet that’s handed out) every day. That might be part of my resistance to picking up the Bible and reading now, I’m not sure.

What I do know is that it’s becoming easier to read and study the Bible now. Several months ago I started participating in an online Bible study. It obligated me to post 15 verses a day and study them. Fifteen verses isn’t much, so I could do that. I had a few nightmares, but posting online and opening the verses for discussion helped me immensely–I was accountable to read at least some amount, and when I got to a sticky place I could ask questions and/or look for answers to help someone else. I still don’t know how I’d handle Revelation, but even Hebrews is OK. Fewer and fewer verses trigger me, even of those that haven’t been part of the discussion yet.

Everyone’s different. I wanted to read but couldn’t seem to do so without resentment and a flood of bad memories. Everyone’s different, but if a person wants to do something and can’t seem to because of memories, there’s probably a way, or will be, given a little time and patience.