Category: recovery | Page 16 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Healing

The pain is real. The journey to healing is real. It’s long and at times feels like it is never-ending. But every year when I look back over the previous year I see the progress that has been made – rebuilding my life. It’s been almost six years since I left. Which sounds like a long time, but it isn’t really when I consider that I was born into the sect and left when I was 33 years old. I’ll have been out of that toxic church system for half of my life when I turn 67 years of age!! That sounds awful and depressing.

I’m currently 39 years old. Looking at it this way makes me realize that it is okay that I still have a long way to go on my healing journey. I’ve been out six years, but I was in for 33 years (plus the 9 months in the womb!). I’ve been free from extreme control for only 15% of my life. Wow. In that 33 years I wasted approximately 9,000 hours sitting listening to mind-boggling theological discussions spoken in Shakespearean English – that I never understood. None of it brought me close to God.

Last night my new husband and I went to a get-together with his work colleagues. It is at events like these that I realize that I still feel separate. This feeling lessens with each passing year, but it is still there. It gives me social anxiety because growing up in isolation from “worldly” people means that I didn’t learn normal social skills or the ability to relate to and interact with people from all walks of life. It has been scary and tiring to learn these skills in my thirties. I look normal on the outside now, and can put on a good front, but underneath I still feel odd, and different, and like I don’t belong.

It is to be expected because for 33 years of my life I was told, and therefore believed, that I was part of a small group of elite Christians who were God’s chosen people. The only people to whom He came; the only ones with the “truth;” the only ones worthy of true fellowship; the only ones who had interpreted the Bible correctly. All other Christians and non-Christians were misled by Satan, and were to be feared. Physical separation had to be maintained at all costs so that we were not infected by their evil (yes, the words “infected” and “evil” were actually used). We were not allowed to dress like the world, watch TV like the world, watch movies like the world, listen to the radio like the world, have a library card like the world, live in a condo building like the world, be a part of a professional association like the world, etc… I used to stand at my bedroom window when I was about ten years old and look out at the dangerous world with fear and wonder what it was like to be in Satan’s clutches and wonder why God chose us for such special “light” and “revelation.” But deep, deep, down in my core I was jealous of the freedom that “worldlies” had.

Therefore, there is no wonder that I still struggle with socializing with people I don’t know, especially on mass. No wonder I escape to the washroom every hour or so just so I can breathe deeply and collect myself. To add to the awkward feeling is the fact that I have never watched The Simpsons, haven’t heard most of the popular music that was released more than six years ago, never went to University, have never owned a TV – so I sometimes look ignorant because I lack basic knowledge about these everyday things.

Healing takes time. It takes gaining self-esteem, establishing self-concept, establishing a new world view, finding a new community, making new friends, counting what was lost, processing the anger, trying new things, experimenting with clothes and hobbies, binge-watching TV shows from the 90’s on NetFlix, grieving what was lost, grieving the years that were wasted, grieving your old identity that wasn’t really you, and grieving for the family members who are still in a deep state of cognitive dissonance and brainwashing. It takes creating a new identity. It takes finding the real person beneath all the layers of conditioning and slavery – fear, guilt, shame, must-do, have-to. It takes courage to seek a relationship with God, when all you knew was rituals and rules. When He was very scary and full of disgust.

Healing can’t be rushed. It’s a process. Respect it. Honor it. The path is different for everyone. There is hope – peace and joy can be found on the journey. Celebrate the work-in-progress You.

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If The Truth Fits

Proverbs 10:32
“The lips of the righteous know what finds favor, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.”

The phenomenon of spiritual abuse is very complex. It often includes more than just the leader or leaders who are the spearhead of the attack. Many times, there are abusers who are simply on staff or in the congregation of a broken church group. This makes the impact of the abuse even more damaging because so many people are involved, usually people who are supposed to be trustworthy to the targeted individual.

Spiritual abusers and their enablers will do whatever they can to justify their wicked actions. Just as domestic and child abusers will always have their supporters, so do abusive church leaders. Very often the abusive leader or his minions will seek to destroy the credibility of their target by spreading gossip, lies, and other false information.

The enablers, or yes-men, of an abusive leader will do whatever they can to destroy an abused person or family. Sometimes they will put out just enough dubious information to lead others to make false conclusions. That fictitious info then gets passed on as fact by those folks, and more gossip and slander drivels on to those even less in the know. This can be particularly devastating in a small town where everyone is either related to, married to, or grew up with everyone else.

When a group is especially well-practiced at the spiritual abuse game it takes place in a very slick, almost second nature way. Before long the abusive situation takes on a life of its own and the targeted person or family ends up being relentlessly abused by simply residing in the town they are in. The target or family can end up facing a cascade of fallout from the abuse in the forms of financial, social, emotional, and verbal abuse in addition to the spiritual abuse that comes from twisted and misapplied Scripture.

The most important point to grasp on to as a spiritual abuse survivor is voiced here in Proverbs 10:32. The gossip and slander that the abusive leaders and their supporters employ is recognized by God for what it is: wicked. Just because someone says something evil about you does not make it true. Leaving those possessing an abusive, broken spirit to God to deal with is never an easy task. But it is the only thing that will set the abused soul free from the control of those who are verbally and emotionally abusive to God’s sheep.

Find peace today in the promise that God knows what wicked men and women do to His flock, and He will hold them accountable for their evil when His time is right. Remember too, just because someone says something slanderous about you does not make it true. In fact, the evil they spew about you says volumes more about them than it does to you, especially to those with true Biblical discernment. Don’t buy into what evil men and women say just because they are good at being evil. God knows the truth, as do those who know and love you. Let that be enough.

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Struggles In Starting Over

Someone had posted their thoughts elsewhere and I obtained permission to share them here with our readers. It is our hope that it will be encouraging to people. Directly below is the post and afterward I will add a few comments.

*****All these memes and movies about how great starting over is really frustrate me. I woke up to a song about starting over running through my head. Just need to vent.

There are countless reasons why I didn’t leave my unhealthy, toxic environment. But here are a few.

1. When I complained or sought redress, I felt heard (some narcissists are good at doing this), but then nothing would change, and I would figure, it would take time.

2. I didn’t want to leave and START ALL OVER. I don’t make friends easily, never have. I have a hard time initiating communication and spending time with people. Because of rejection from my siblings and their friends, and neglect and feeling unwanted by my folks (at times-though my dad probably was never comfortable with me) I always feel like a burden to ASK for people’s time. I also worried that if I went to another church all my efforts and contributions (unrecognized and unappreciated) would have been for nothing.

3. I constantly asked God for permission to leave. I either heard NO or I heard nothing. I see now that opportunities were placed in my path, but hearing a ‘yes’ would really have made a huge difference. Why I felt I heard NO, I have no idea, but silence…is one of the reasons I’m still so incredibly angry at him. I finally left because I just didn’t give a shit whether he said yes or no. I literally couldn’t do it anymore. I also was realizing over time that we as Christians have gotten entirely too hung up on ‘THE WILL OF GOD’. It’s a very nice excuse too, we pray and pray and pray seeking the Will of God as though it were a 4th member of the trinity (not my idea, but true). God gave us a will and we’re allowed to use it. I think he even wants us to use it. I sure could have used that information about a decade earlier, but we certainly didn’t believe that at my church. I finally exercised my will, just a little too late. And again, it was more about being too exhausted to stay than choosing to go somewhere else – which I have not and will not for some time to come.

But I realize I do have to start over. I’m isolated, and I self-medicate with TV and video games because it’s easier than starting over, rebuilding takes a lot of energy. Being social takes a lot of emotional energy for me. Putting myself out there is the same. I do it for my business because I have to, and it brings dividends, but stepping out further and putting me personally out there is even more vulnerable.

And part of me worries that I’ll end up doing all this over again. Build up years worth of ‘friendships’ only to see them betray me too.

But I’m further along than I was before, and the fact that I’m even thinking about starting over is a good sign. And frankly, I run into unbelievers and other believers who see more value in me than anyone ever did in my old church (it was my business networking group that first helped me see that people who barely knew me were valuing/seeing me for who I was more than the folks who were my ‘friends’). So progress is there, it’s just not exactly fun or exciting or glamorous. Starting over sucks. But I know I’m better off, I just wish I had gotten a clue sooner, before my faith and hope were trashed.*****

My brief thoughts:

#1: There have been pastors who have told people that things will change, while they drag the person along and there is no change or very little of it or it’s not the type of change the person wanted to see. Unhealthy churches don’t often change to a solid healthy one. But encouraging the person to remain with empty promises continues the cash flow, the free help, and the keeps the church numbers up.

#3: I’d like to know where the notion of being required to pray and hear from God about remaining at a church started. I don’t see anything of this nature in the New Testament. I believe the ‘no’ answer one thinks they feel often comes from all the messages people have heard over the years- that this church has something special/are the only ones with truth/you must stay where you were planted/you must obey the pastor/you must have a covering and on and on.

We wouldn’t do this in many other circumstances. For instance, if you saw someone being injured, you wouldn’t pray first about whether or not you should help somehow, like calling 911. If your boss was mistreating and lying to you, you most likely wouldn’t seek God’s permission to look for a new job. If a company ripped you off in work they did, would you seek God’s permission to file a BBB complaint, file a suit in small claims court, hire a lawyer, or confront the company and demand they make it right? So why do we hold to this notion that we must obtain God’s permission, or somehow hear from him directly, before making a decision to leave an unhealthy, abusive church?

I really like how this person ended after the numbered items. We need hope and encouragement in our journey of recovery and healing. He did just that for himself and for others. I truly wish that I could tell people that it will take x amount of time and everything will be fine. I wish I could tell people, do this, this and that and it will all be over. But when, even though you are hurting and wrestling with various emotions and feelings, you can see light at the end of the tunnel and make progress- that is a good focus and something for you to hold on to for any future times when you may become discouraged.

Some people make light of the experiences of those who have exited bad churches. They think people are whining and need to get over it and move on. They haven’t a clue how complex recovery can be. When one is taught things which distort their perception of God, when they are taught twisted and legalistic doctrines, when one’s self-worth has been beaten down and shattered time and again, you do not just ‘move on’. It takes time and a lot of work to heal and recover. And despite what this man has been through, and though he is battling deep emotions and anger, he is making steps of progress and sees some light ahead.

May he be healed in his innermost being and may all who have suffered in spiritually abusive churches receive healing and deliverance.

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Is Your Church a Safe Zone or a Red Flag?

A lot of people suffer from a bit of shortsightedness in regards to their local congregations when it comes to spiritual abuse survivors. I can’t speak for those in fundamentalist/evangelical/charismatic settings, but in my own experiences within liberal mainline Christianity, I think a lot of people simply aren’t aware of either spiritual abuse or its implications.

Remember, not everyone who has just exited a cult experience is going to advertise what happened to them. Many people dealing with the aftermath of an abusive church situation simply want to test the waters at another church without committing to anything.

Even in situations where someone has not been in an abusive church, inadvertently pressuring someone into something that does not suit their needs or interests can pose a problem. Here are some things to keep in mind that are helpful all around to keep your church a safe zone, adapted from one of my earlier publications:

Be welcoming, in an agenda-free way – A casual visitor checking out different churches should be just as welcome as a serious inquirer. Don’t befriend someone just in hopes of drawing them in, then dump them because they ultimately go elsewhere. This includes not doing such things on social media, too, such as one case that came to mind where someone did just that to a family member.
Don’t pressure them into getting involved with activities – Home groups, classes, or men’s/women’s groups don’t have universal appeal for all. Some toxic religious groups even use involvement as a pretext for bullying people who aren’t involved “enough”. Let newcomers know what’s available, but don’t make assumptions about what suits them or put on pressure, even jokingly.
Understand that some parts of the worship service might act as triggers – Formally welcoming new people by asking them to come forward, if practiced, should be optional. Also, if your congregation practices the laying on of hands, be aware that some groups use this practice in a manipulative way. Participation should always be optional, and explaining how your faith tradition uses this practice can help ease any concerns.
Always be open about your denomination’s history and beliefs – Most spiritually abusive groups teach that their group is the “one true church” and people in other groups can inadvertently give this impression about theirs. Keep in mind that no modern denomination existed in its present form in the New Testament era. When citing differences between your church and theirs, explain the differences without denouncing them.
Think about the “user-friendliness” of your service – While you may be able to navigate through your own service without difficulty, the same might not be true for newcomers. Make sure your bulletin is user-friendly and you have literature that explains the hows and whys of your service structure, including how communion is received, if applicable. Don’t pressure visitors into taking part in actions they are not comfortable with.

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A Morning With God…They Are New Every Day

I have trouble sleeping and I’m often awake at 4:30-5:00am. If I’m awaken because of pain caused by the Parkinson’s I need to try and get moving because my muscles are all stiff. So I crawl out of bed and limp around getting a cup of coffee, grabbing my Bible and out to the deck I go.
If it’s too dark to read I just sit and talk to God, listening to the sounds of night turning to day. I like to check my emails and look on Facebook and I told God that I was so tired of all the political mess and terrorist attacks and threats that constantly appear on Facebook. It was all so horrible and why couldn’t we live in peace.

That’s when I thought of part of a scripture which was just a phrase….. “They are new every morning”……what is new each morning God? I had to do a little searching to find it in Lamentations and I never read that book of the Bible because….it is so sad and depressing. So I found it and yes it is sad and depressing because of what they were going through (I ended up reading the whole book) and I saw what God wanted me to see.

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD.
‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-26.

According to my Bible translation Lamentations is described as a funeral dirge of the fallen city Jerusalem when the Babylonians invaded the city and reduced it to rubble and barrenness. There is a shortage of food and people are dying of starvation and even the mothers are eating their offspring.

In the days of her affliction and roaming, Jerusalem remembers all her pleasant things that she had in the days of old. (V 1:7)

They had no hope for a future and they were caught up in the past. Not wanting to let go of how it was and definitely not wanting to look ahead to a future. So they mourned the loss of all those years….and cried over an uncertain future. Jeremiah goes on and on with his Lamentations until suddenly he remembers the Lord’s mercies and His compassions that fail not and they are new every morning and great is God’s faithfulness!

For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though he causes grief, yet He will show compassion According to the multitude of His mercies. (v 3:31-32)

I’ve often grieved over this great nation we live in and how terror reigns almost on every corner and it seems that Satan himself has invaded our cities with his lies and evil destruction and has completely destroyed our faith in God and mankind. We feel hopeless. Especially the ones who have been damaged by unhealthy churches and we wonder is it safe to trust in God again? Do we move on or stay in the past where we know our hurts and can take comfort in the days of old.

This morning spent with God, he showed me how life continues to go on…my moonflower was still bloomed out, the simple enjoyment of a branch from a spider plant, the ducks came quacking for food and a beautiful sunrise.

Nature is still set in motion…life still goes on and we still need to put our trust and hope in Him. His mercies and compassions are new every morning!

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD. ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-26.

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