Category: recovery | Page 16 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

If The Truth Fits

Proverbs 10:32
“The lips of the righteous know what finds favor, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.”

The phenomenon of spiritual abuse is very complex. It often includes more than just the leader or leaders who are the spearhead of the attack. Many times, there are abusers who are simply on staff or in the congregation of a broken church group. This makes the impact of the abuse even more damaging because so many people are involved, usually people who are supposed to be trustworthy to the targeted individual.

Spiritual abusers and their enablers will do whatever they can to justify their wicked actions. Just as domestic and child abusers will always have their supporters, so do abusive church leaders. Very often the abusive leader or his minions will seek to destroy the credibility of their target by spreading gossip, lies, and other false information.

The enablers, or yes-men, of an abusive leader will do whatever they can to destroy an abused person or family. Sometimes they will put out just enough dubious information to lead others to make false conclusions. That fictitious info then gets passed on as fact by those folks, and more gossip and slander drivels on to those even less in the know. This can be particularly devastating in a small town where everyone is either related to, married to, or grew up with everyone else.

When a group is especially well-practiced at the spiritual abuse game it takes place in a very slick, almost second nature way. Before long the abusive situation takes on a life of its own and the targeted person or family ends up being relentlessly abused by simply residing in the town they are in. The target or family can end up facing a cascade of fallout from the abuse in the forms of financial, social, emotional, and verbal abuse in addition to the spiritual abuse that comes from twisted and misapplied Scripture.

The most important point to grasp on to as a spiritual abuse survivor is voiced here in Proverbs 10:32. The gossip and slander that the abusive leaders and their supporters employ is recognized by God for what it is: wicked. Just because someone says something evil about you does not make it true. Leaving those possessing an abusive, broken spirit to God to deal with is never an easy task. But it is the only thing that will set the abused soul free from the control of those who are verbally and emotionally abusive to God’s sheep.

Find peace today in the promise that God knows what wicked men and women do to His flock, and He will hold them accountable for their evil when His time is right. Remember too, just because someone says something slanderous about you does not make it true. In fact, the evil they spew about you says volumes more about them than it does to you, especially to those with true Biblical discernment. Don’t buy into what evil men and women say just because they are good at being evil. God knows the truth, as do those who know and love you. Let that be enough.

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Struggles In Starting Over

Someone had posted their thoughts elsewhere and I obtained permission to share them here with our readers. It is our hope that it will be encouraging to people. Directly below is the post and afterward I will add a few comments.

*****All these memes and movies about how great starting over is really frustrate me. I woke up to a song about starting over running through my head. Just need to vent.

There are countless reasons why I didn’t leave my unhealthy, toxic environment. But here are a few.

1. When I complained or sought redress, I felt heard (some narcissists are good at doing this), but then nothing would change, and I would figure, it would take time.

2. I didn’t want to leave and START ALL OVER. I don’t make friends easily, never have. I have a hard time initiating communication and spending time with people. Because of rejection from my siblings and their friends, and neglect and feeling unwanted by my folks (at times-though my dad probably was never comfortable with me) I always feel like a burden to ASK for people’s time. I also worried that if I went to another church all my efforts and contributions (unrecognized and unappreciated) would have been for nothing.

3. I constantly asked God for permission to leave. I either heard NO or I heard nothing. I see now that opportunities were placed in my path, but hearing a ‘yes’ would really have made a huge difference. Why I felt I heard NO, I have no idea, but silence…is one of the reasons I’m still so incredibly angry at him. I finally left because I just didn’t give a shit whether he said yes or no. I literally couldn’t do it anymore. I also was realizing over time that we as Christians have gotten entirely too hung up on ‘THE WILL OF GOD’. It’s a very nice excuse too, we pray and pray and pray seeking the Will of God as though it were a 4th member of the trinity (not my idea, but true). God gave us a will and we’re allowed to use it. I think he even wants us to use it. I sure could have used that information about a decade earlier, but we certainly didn’t believe that at my church. I finally exercised my will, just a little too late. And again, it was more about being too exhausted to stay than choosing to go somewhere else – which I have not and will not for some time to come.

But I realize I do have to start over. I’m isolated, and I self-medicate with TV and video games because it’s easier than starting over, rebuilding takes a lot of energy. Being social takes a lot of emotional energy for me. Putting myself out there is the same. I do it for my business because I have to, and it brings dividends, but stepping out further and putting me personally out there is even more vulnerable.

And part of me worries that I’ll end up doing all this over again. Build up years worth of ‘friendships’ only to see them betray me too.

But I’m further along than I was before, and the fact that I’m even thinking about starting over is a good sign. And frankly, I run into unbelievers and other believers who see more value in me than anyone ever did in my old church (it was my business networking group that first helped me see that people who barely knew me were valuing/seeing me for who I was more than the folks who were my ‘friends’). So progress is there, it’s just not exactly fun or exciting or glamorous. Starting over sucks. But I know I’m better off, I just wish I had gotten a clue sooner, before my faith and hope were trashed.*****

My brief thoughts:

#1: There have been pastors who have told people that things will change, while they drag the person along and there is no change or very little of it or it’s not the type of change the person wanted to see. Unhealthy churches don’t often change to a solid healthy one. But encouraging the person to remain with empty promises continues the cash flow, the free help, and the keeps the church numbers up.

#3: I’d like to know where the notion of being required to pray and hear from God about remaining at a church started. I don’t see anything of this nature in the New Testament. I believe the ‘no’ answer one thinks they feel often comes from all the messages people have heard over the years- that this church has something special/are the only ones with truth/you must stay where you were planted/you must obey the pastor/you must have a covering and on and on.

We wouldn’t do this in many other circumstances. For instance, if you saw someone being injured, you wouldn’t pray first about whether or not you should help somehow, like calling 911. If your boss was mistreating and lying to you, you most likely wouldn’t seek God’s permission to look for a new job. If a company ripped you off in work they did, would you seek God’s permission to file a BBB complaint, file a suit in small claims court, hire a lawyer, or confront the company and demand they make it right? So why do we hold to this notion that we must obtain God’s permission, or somehow hear from him directly, before making a decision to leave an unhealthy, abusive church?

I really like how this person ended after the numbered items. We need hope and encouragement in our journey of recovery and healing. He did just that for himself and for others. I truly wish that I could tell people that it will take x amount of time and everything will be fine. I wish I could tell people, do this, this and that and it will all be over. But when, even though you are hurting and wrestling with various emotions and feelings, you can see light at the end of the tunnel and make progress- that is a good focus and something for you to hold on to for any future times when you may become discouraged.

Some people make light of the experiences of those who have exited bad churches. They think people are whining and need to get over it and move on. They haven’t a clue how complex recovery can be. When one is taught things which distort their perception of God, when they are taught twisted and legalistic doctrines, when one’s self-worth has been beaten down and shattered time and again, you do not just ‘move on’. It takes time and a lot of work to heal and recover. And despite what this man has been through, and though he is battling deep emotions and anger, he is making steps of progress and sees some light ahead.

May he be healed in his innermost being and may all who have suffered in spiritually abusive churches receive healing and deliverance.

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Is Your Church a Safe Zone or a Red Flag?

A lot of people suffer from a bit of shortsightedness in regards to their local congregations when it comes to spiritual abuse survivors. I can’t speak for those in fundamentalist/evangelical/charismatic settings, but in my own experiences within liberal mainline Christianity, I think a lot of people simply aren’t aware of either spiritual abuse or its implications.

Remember, not everyone who has just exited a cult experience is going to advertise what happened to them. Many people dealing with the aftermath of an abusive church situation simply want to test the waters at another church without committing to anything.

Even in situations where someone has not been in an abusive church, inadvertently pressuring someone into something that does not suit their needs or interests can pose a problem. Here are some things to keep in mind that are helpful all around to keep your church a safe zone, adapted from one of my earlier publications:

Be welcoming, in an agenda-free way – A casual visitor checking out different churches should be just as welcome as a serious inquirer. Don’t befriend someone just in hopes of drawing them in, then dump them because they ultimately go elsewhere. This includes not doing such things on social media, too, such as one case that came to mind where someone did just that to a family member.
Don’t pressure them into getting involved with activities – Home groups, classes, or men’s/women’s groups don’t have universal appeal for all. Some toxic religious groups even use involvement as a pretext for bullying people who aren’t involved “enough”. Let newcomers know what’s available, but don’t make assumptions about what suits them or put on pressure, even jokingly.
Understand that some parts of the worship service might act as triggers – Formally welcoming new people by asking them to come forward, if practiced, should be optional. Also, if your congregation practices the laying on of hands, be aware that some groups use this practice in a manipulative way. Participation should always be optional, and explaining how your faith tradition uses this practice can help ease any concerns.
Always be open about your denomination’s history and beliefs – Most spiritually abusive groups teach that their group is the “one true church” and people in other groups can inadvertently give this impression about theirs. Keep in mind that no modern denomination existed in its present form in the New Testament era. When citing differences between your church and theirs, explain the differences without denouncing them.
Think about the “user-friendliness” of your service – While you may be able to navigate through your own service without difficulty, the same might not be true for newcomers. Make sure your bulletin is user-friendly and you have literature that explains the hows and whys of your service structure, including how communion is received, if applicable. Don’t pressure visitors into taking part in actions they are not comfortable with.

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A Morning With God…They Are New Every Day

I have trouble sleeping and I’m often awake at 4:30-5:00am. If I’m awaken because of pain caused by the Parkinson’s I need to try and get moving because my muscles are all stiff. So I crawl out of bed and limp around getting a cup of coffee, grabbing my Bible and out to the deck I go.
If it’s too dark to read I just sit and talk to God, listening to the sounds of night turning to day. I like to check my emails and look on Facebook and I told God that I was so tired of all the political mess and terrorist attacks and threats that constantly appear on Facebook. It was all so horrible and why couldn’t we live in peace.

That’s when I thought of part of a scripture which was just a phrase….. “They are new every morning”……what is new each morning God? I had to do a little searching to find it in Lamentations and I never read that book of the Bible because….it is so sad and depressing. So I found it and yes it is sad and depressing because of what they were going through (I ended up reading the whole book) and I saw what God wanted me to see.

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD.
‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-26.

According to my Bible translation Lamentations is described as a funeral dirge of the fallen city Jerusalem when the Babylonians invaded the city and reduced it to rubble and barrenness. There is a shortage of food and people are dying of starvation and even the mothers are eating their offspring.

In the days of her affliction and roaming, Jerusalem remembers all her pleasant things that she had in the days of old. (V 1:7)

They had no hope for a future and they were caught up in the past. Not wanting to let go of how it was and definitely not wanting to look ahead to a future. So they mourned the loss of all those years….and cried over an uncertain future. Jeremiah goes on and on with his Lamentations until suddenly he remembers the Lord’s mercies and His compassions that fail not and they are new every morning and great is God’s faithfulness!

For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though he causes grief, yet He will show compassion According to the multitude of His mercies. (v 3:31-32)

I’ve often grieved over this great nation we live in and how terror reigns almost on every corner and it seems that Satan himself has invaded our cities with his lies and evil destruction and has completely destroyed our faith in God and mankind. We feel hopeless. Especially the ones who have been damaged by unhealthy churches and we wonder is it safe to trust in God again? Do we move on or stay in the past where we know our hurts and can take comfort in the days of old.

This morning spent with God, he showed me how life continues to go on…my moonflower was still bloomed out, the simple enjoyment of a branch from a spider plant, the ducks came quacking for food and a beautiful sunrise.

Nature is still set in motion…life still goes on and we still need to put our trust and hope in Him. His mercies and compassions are new every morning!

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD. ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-26.

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On The Other Side

On the other side
The sun will shine
On the other side
Everything is fine
On the other side
We’ll learn to be content
I know where the grass is green
We’ll step ashore and the air is clean
So weep no more
Leave your troubles far behind
On the other side (The Seekers)

While being on the ‘other side’ of an unhealthy church experience won’t mean everything will be OK with total contentment and no crying or trouble, one can truly get to a much better place than was experienced.

On the ‘other side’ of all the yucky parts of dealing with the negative aspects of our experiences, there is a good place. There can be a happy ending to your story. And you know what, you’ll appreciate it to a greater degree than others. Why? Because you’ve experienced the ‘wrong side’ of religion. And when you’ve experience the ‘wrong side’ of religion, you thoroughly love and appreciate the ‘other side.’

You’ve heard certain teachings over and over and over and not much of any meat. You’ve experienced the image of an uncaring God, just ready to bust you over the head should you dare step out of line. You’ve experienced a minister who does not have the heart of a servant. You’ve experienced a works related salvation. You’ve experienced a place where the love is most often dependent upon you keeping the rules. You experienced a time where your initial joy at coming to know the Lord was slowly squeezed from your being, to where you may have even become a judgmental person.

BUT…on the ‘other side’, you can experience the REAL thing. God loves you simply because he loves you. You can’t do a thing to make him love you any more or any less….but you may find your love for him growing as you break free from the faulty teachings and untrue image of God. You’ll find there is no whip or baseball bat in his hand, ready to pound you at the least infraction of a rule. He is a patient, long suffering God. You may find that the Bible will open to you anew—-and you will look forward to reading it because of all that God is revealing to you. You read it before but missed so many wonderful truths because it was twisted and used to manipulate you. You might develop and use your gifts and talents so you may help others; many had them squashed in their former churches. It’s kind of like being a kid all over again and getting to go to that place you just couldn’t wait to get to!

Will things like these happen right away? I wish I could say that they would. It takes time and patience while you work through all the issues involved in leaving an unhealthy church. It may be difficult at first to not view God as a harsh taskmaster or to be able to read the Bible without past sermons screaming in your mind. As you discover who you are in Christ and learn of God’s grace and start to experience it, things will change. It is a much better place than the one you left. It isn’t a place of striving to obtain favor with God, it is one of knowing you already are accepted by him. It isn’t a place of trying hard to measure up, but one of resting in the completed work of Jesus Christ. It isn’t a place of being shamed, humiliated or degraded, but a place of love, joy and peace.

Our prayer is that all who have been subjected to spiritual abuse and unhealthy churches will come to a place of healing and be able to break free from the tangled mess of deception and lies of their former churches.

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