The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 2

This is the continuation of thoughts about spiritual abuse based upon Becca Anderson’s and Jennifer Redcay’s book, Pushing Back the Darkness.

The third point the authors make is as follows:

Test those who say they speak for God. In 1 John 4:1, the Bible says, “Do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world.” You approach a salesperson with a degree of skepticism, expecting to hear things that might not be as good as they are described. It is even more vital to maintain healthy caution with regard to people who try to “sell” you ideas that sound biblical but may not be. If what is being said is true, it will stand up to scrutiny, and over time.

Anyone may make the claim to speak for God. We see it all around us today, from televangelists seeking your money to the small church where the pastor has complete control of the people. In Jennifer’s circumstance, it was a very small group that didn’t meet in a church and was operated by one man who claimed to speak for God. He was a liar and a fraud. We find the same in unhealthy churches, large and small. Some man or woman claims they speak for God and people follow. How can one determine if a person truly speaks for God? Obtaining a ministerial license or going to a seminary does not mean one has been called of God to operate a church or even preach.

So what are some ways that a person can know if the minister’s claim is true? First, what they teach will agree with the scriptures. If a pastor says God told him to sleep with you, for whatever reason, that is not God. In contrast, the scriptures certainly do not condone sexual relations with the spouse of another person.

If the minister tells you it is permissible to lie about something in order to defraud someone outside the group or to lure someone into the group, what can you find in the Bible that speaks about lying? If the pastor proclaims that you must tithe in order to be saved, what will the scriptures show if you study tithing? Any minister that teaches things contrary to the scriptures has not been speaking for God.

Don’t blindly accept what a minister teaches, even if in the past you have found something they taught lined up with scripture. Some ministers start out good and then stumble into false doctrine or an unhealthy group. You have a Bible, and if you don’t they are available online for free. We really have no excuse for not checking what is taught before accepting and believing it. If you choose not to, down the road you may find yourself caught up in a very unhealthy situation.

I want to share an article written around 1979 by former United Pentecostal Church minister Dan Lewis when he worked as a teacher at their endorsed Jackson College of Ministries. It appeared in the college’s newspaper, The Agape. It addressed questioning and it being okay to not always have answers. It created a firestorm for him at the time it was written. This is from his book The Journey Out of the United Pentecostal Church.

FAITH WITH A QUESTION MARK

To some people questions are disturbing! For them life is a logically consistent, systematic closed activity which can be defined in precise propositions. Questions are unnerving. Worse, questions without immediate answers are unthinkable and to be avoided at all costs. What cannot be rationally treated with finality is to be brushed off or ignored. Probing is regarded with suspicion. Options are nonexistent. Anything less than blind assent is labeled as dissent or even rebellion. Yet, is not such an approach to life, especially Christian life, somewhat naive and overly simplistic? Does not such an attitude portray insecurity rather than strength? Ultimately, does not this position describe uncertainty rather than faith? The man who is afraid of questions is usually a man who is fearful of his position!

It is my conviction that genuine faith must be a questioning faith! It must be an attitude toward God of seeking for truth and a contentedness in spite of unanswered questions. Faith cannot be founded only on empirical evidence, for what can be conclusively proven does not require faith. For this reason, God Himself must be approached on the level of faith. As the transcendent God, He must be pursued. He reveals himself, true, but He always remains far enough beyond our comprehension to beckon us onward in our quest for Him.

Some of the greatest luminaries in God’s assembly of saints were questioners. Job, David, Habakkuk, and others asked discerning and pointed questions, not only of their peers, but of God. Does God enjoy my suffering? If a man dies, will he again live? Is God righteous? How can YHWH use a people less righteous than Israel to judge his own people? In the case of Job, it was the trio with the ready answers who found error, while the sufferer with the unanswered questions found truth. One of the finest ways of discerning the depth of Jesus’ teaching is to observe the questions which he asked, answered, or in some cases left unanswered. Jesus never avoided sincere questions that were motivated by truth-seeking. Questions were not an embarrassment to Him.

In the New Testament, one confronts both “faith” and “the faith.” “Faith” is what is believed because of genuine encounter with God. “The faith” is what is received because of traditional and doctrinal correctness. Both are important! However, we live in a generation which feels comfortable in accepting “the faith” without necessarily having “faith.” A doctrinal heritage can be adopted and defended without a genuine encounter with Christ. “The faith” without “faith” is worth little. One of the prime reasons for such a bland form of Christianity is a reluctance or fear of asking questions. “The faith” can be blindly followed without questions. But real “faith” comes as God reveals Himself, and He reveals Himself to the searcher.

Occasionally, one’s approach to the Bible takes the following naive, omniscient form, as related by Bernard Ramm. “Dear Friends, I have read no man’s book. I have consulted no man-made commentaries. I have gone right to the Bible to see what it had to say for itself.” Yet, as Ramm further points out, although this may sound very spiritual, it is in reality a veiled egotism.

Faith presumes a transcendent God. He is not wholly transcendent, or we could never know him. On the other hand, he is not wholly within our grasp, else he would cease to be God for us. Faith is the first prerequisite for coming to God, yet it also leaves us with unanswered areas, for “faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.” In this life, “We see but a poor reflection” (NIV, 2 Co. 13:12). “We have this treasure in a fragile vase of clay….” (Weymouth, 2 Co. 4:7). We are constantly aware of our finitude and of God’s all-sufficiency. We are called to trust Him in the unanswered questions of life and eternity. If our faith is healthy and properly focused, unanswered questions are not an embarrassment but an incentive to continue our pursuit of Christ! As we struggle with a sensitive conscience in making ethical decisions, as we look inwardly in godly self-examination, as we view the needs of the world in light of the gospel, we have faith with a question mark! In the words of Jim Bishop, “I had wanted proof, something for my eyes or ears or hands. He wanted me to believe without it. Faith was what He required of me. And He never rested till I found it.”

The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 1
The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 3

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The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 1

I am going to use Becca Anderson’s and Jennifer Redcay’s book, Pushing Back the Darkness, to share some thoughts about spiritual abuse. Near the beginning of the book, it says,

The heart of the issue in Jennifer’s experience of being drawn into a cult was her lack of discernment about the things the leader was telling her. It sounded so great to hear that he thought she had a “special ministry.” Without the tools of biblical discernment, she was unable to separate truth from lies.

Many unhealthy groups either claim God has something special for you or that they are, or have, something special that others do not. It is an exciting feeling to be part of something that appears to be special and important, especially in the spiritual realm. Sometimes people get so pulled up into this aspect, and because they may see some things happening, they may fail to discern what is really going on.

After this, the authors share some helpful points on how to discern truth from error. Below is the first point:

Read the Bible for yourself. Jennifer was a casual Christian. She was not familiar with the Bible and was therefore vulnerable to the leader twisting the Scriptures to suit his own purposes. Biblical knowledge doesn’t come overnight or from casual reading. It takes work. Read it systematically and regularly. If you are confronted with something that sounds like it “might” be from the Bible, or someone makes claims and backs them up with Bible verses, talk to someone more knowledgeable about the Bible (a friend, pastor, etc.) if you do not feel you have the ability yet to properly check out what you’re being told.

Some who become involved in unhealthy groups either have little to no knowledge of the Bible or when they do attempt to check the veracity of what they are being taught, they only know how to study the way the group has shown them. They may not read passages in their proper context. They may not consider the whole, or all, of what the Bible teaches on the subject. By only using the ‘proof texts’ supplied by the group and not reading them in their proper context, it may appear that the group’s teaching is true, even though it is in error.

That is what happened to me when I became involved in the United Pentecostal Church. I had very little Bible knowledge and did not know how to properly study it. The manner in which they pulled out a passage here and there, piecing them together, appeared to make sense and I was hooked and pulled in. Had I read everything in context and considered what the rest of the Bible taught, I would not have come to the same conclusion.

Later when one leaves, sorting through the teachings is an important aspect of healing. Some people shove this to the side, feeling it is unimportant or they are afraid to tackle it. I encourage everyone to take the time to look objectively at what the Bible actually says. You can know if a teaching is based upon the Bible or not. It takes time and it can be difficult to look at doctrines that the group has tied to your salvation and relationship with God. But if you do not tackle these, you may find yourself periodically in fear of something not true. You may forever believe that distorted view of God that was instilled into you. These things may well affect you at least off and on throughout your life if you do not seek these things out for yourself. Don’t allow that to happen.

The second point the authors share is:

Don’t be afraid to question what is said. When the apostle Paul was preaching in various cities, he praised the people of Berea because they didn’t take what he said at face value. They spent diligent time comparing it with the Scriptures they had and learned for themselves he was telling the truth. Anyone who insists you take his or her interpretation and not question it should set off alarm bells. Ask. Dig. Go to those who know more if you need to.

A person who teaches something true is not afraid of questioning. They are assured of their belief and are not insecure or needing to dominate others by commanding them to accept what they teach based on their word alone.

The unhealthy group often has an unwritten rule against questioning their practices and beliefs. A person usually discovers this by making the mistake of voicing a question and seeing how this is twisted into making them look bad and not having enough faith. You are to believe and follow the teachings because the leader said so. They are “watching for your soul” and “must give account” of you to God, so they say.

People all too often place ministers and pastors on a pedestal of sorts and in an unhealthy church this becomes especially dangerous as that will be taken advantage of. The pastor is seen as all knowing, even speaking as the voice of God. Disobedience to pastor is seen as disobedience to God. This places your spiritual welfare and destiny at stake in your mind. It is easy then to take this mindset and create a no questioning rule that can lead the person down all types of treacherous paths.

I cannot recall how many times since 1997 (We just celebrated the 21st anniversary of the spiritualabuse.org website this week.) where I have had people share that they were afraid to question and/or were afraid to voice their questions to anyone at their church. They often learned to push them aside or rationalize them away. “Well, the pastor was put there by God and he knows best.” “If the pastor is wrong, God will correct him.” “There must be something wrong with me that I am having these questions about what is being taught.”

Questions are normal. There is nothing wrong with questions. Jesus himself allowed people to question him. He did not forbid them and he did not berate or turn on people for doing so.

If your church is healthy, they should be open to questions. Leadership should not be insecure and turn you away or view you negatively because you questioned something taught. If you encounter anything else, then take a huge step back as you are likely in an unhealthy group.

The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 2
The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 3

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“Choose Freedom, Choose Happiness” – Introduction

For most of us, coming out of a cult or religious “high control” group can be a frightening and traumatic ideal. We can feel overwhelmed with questions and doubt, and it’s not uncommon to experience intense mistrust of others and fear.  We have chosen freedom over mental enslavement, but it comes at a high cost. However, it is the only road to true happiness.

After finally leaving, it can be tempting to “hibernate.” We may attempt to turn the page, “move on” and create a new life for ourselves. This is important, but if we’re going to achieve this, it’s necessary to become truly free from all the negative and harmful thought patterns that were instilled in us. Otherwise, we could end up falling into despair and deep loneliness, which could lead us return to the Group or become prey to destructive behaviours such as alcoholism, other addictions, mental illness and even suicide.

It is possible to become free, in Christ, who tells us: “if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36). Why is it then that so many of us who follow Him don’t feel free? There seem to be so many sermons and messages preached from the pulpit about how we should be feeling, that it can be very hard to admit that it’s not what we experience on a day to day basis.

Jesus also tells us: “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31). Very sadly, many church leaders and organized religions who claim to “abide in” our Saviour and to teach “the truth” are in fact “ravenous wolves” (Matt 7:15).  

Are we free to question them? Could we have an open debate with them, in public or in private, to discuss what they do, teach and how they behave? Surely, there must be some Groups whose leaders are open, transparent and humble enough to be willing to do this, but the majority put themselves up on a pedestal above public scrutiny.

This is the root of our lack of freedom, in my opinion. If we’re part of a High Control Group whose leaders seek to govern every aspect of our lives, how can we be free? And even when we manage to escape their grasp and get out, they’ve already infiltrated our minds, so they can carry on influencing our behaviour every day of our lives… Until we put a stop to it!!!

That is the aim of this book, in a nutshell. To identify the ways and areas in which the Group poisoned our minds, so we can gradually start to think for ourselves, and free ourselves from their toxic influence.

Contents:

[2024 NOTE: This blog is not currently available for viewing, so direct links have been removed.]

  • Introduction
  • Chapter 1: The Question of Control
  • Chapter 2: My Story
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-3-freedom-from-rage-and-regret/ Chapter 3: Freedom from Rage and Regret
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-4-freedom-from-loneliness/ Chapter 4: Freedom from Loneliness
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-6-freedom-from-abuse/ Chapter 5: Freedom from Legalism
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-6-freedom-from-abuse/ Chapter 6: Freedom from Abuse
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-7-freedom-from-self-censorship/ Chapter 7: Freedom from self-censorship
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-8-freedom-from-numbness-and-despair/ Chapter 8: Freedom from numbness and despair
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-9-freedom-from-the-judgmental-mindset/ Chapter 9: Freedom from the judgmental mindset
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-10-freedom-from-shame/ Chapter 10: Freedom from shame
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-11-freedom-from-transactional-and-coercive-relationships/ Chapter 11: Freedom from transactional and coercive relationships
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-12-freedom-from-the-pressure-to-conform/ Chapter 12: Freedom from the pressure to conform
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-13-freedom-from-enslavement-to-wealth/ Chapter 13: Freedom from enslavement to wealth

Index:

  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2017/11/14/helping-cult-members-wake-up-from-their-indoctrination/ How to help indoctrinated cult victims to break free
  • https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2016/08/30/why-do-people-return-to-a-sect-after-breaking-free/ Why do people sometimes return to a cult?

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Physical Stress Response and Preachers

Throughout my lifetime, there have been various times when I had to be in a court of law, either as a witness, a defendant, or a plaintiff in different situations. Obviously, in these cases, the judge is the final word (unless it is a criminal trial, which was not true in any of the cases I was involved in).

Due to his power over decisions that affect the lives of individuals in significant ways, it would be normal to have a level of fear or anxiety about making sure one was able to properly communicate the truth of one’s testimony to a judge.

However, thinking about this over the years, I’ve noted that my fear and anxiety in each of these cases was greatly enhanced and compounded by the presence of preachers in the courtroom. Interestingly, I found that their reactions to what was being said was the most frightening aspect of all.

My first few experiences of this type, I was still involved in the cult, and felt this fear was natural. After all, preachers are “God’s men” and whatever they think about you must be God’s opinion as well.

Down through the years, as events in and around my life have unfolded, I have come to realize that preachers are just human beings. If there were six preachers in the room at any given event, their opinions about what is going on would probably differ greatly and they would even contend with one another as to who was right or wrong.

Some time ago, I found myself in a similar legal situation, and it was interesting to note that, although I no longer believe that preachers are second only to God, I had the identical emotional reaction that I had in my youth, the first time I was in a court-like atmosphere with preachers present. Realizing that many others who had been taught about the infallible opinion of a preacher probably deal with similar emotions, I decided to delve into the science behind why this occurs.

First of all, one must understand the body’s physical stress response to a dangerous situation. The emotion involved is usually fear, and it activates the fight or flight response in the brain stem, or primitive area of the brain. When this area of the brain is activated, it temporarily shuts down the cognitive (thinking) area of the brain, which means the reactions of the individual become instinctive, and fueled by adrenaline. Adrenaline was designed to help the individual have extra strength to flee or to fight in times of danger. However, in situations where one can do neither (such as in a court room or in a church service), adrenaline floods the body and can cause various symptoms, such as sweating profusely, pounding heart beat, increased pulse rate, breathlessness, trembling, crying, instant headaches, or a host of other physical stress responses.

At the core of the area of the brain responsible for these stress responses, is an almond shaped part of the brain called the amygdala. This is where important memories are stored that are strongly linked with emotions. Without having to think about it, the individual will automatically react in certain ways to events that trigger these memories. Sometimes the memories are even so instinctive that the individual might be unaware of where the response is coming from.

So how does this relate to stress involving preachers?

When one has been raised in, or spent significant time in a cult, he or she has been inundated with powerful messages of fear involving ever crossing the will of the preacher. In a cult, a preacher or some type of leader will have all of the power, and the other members of the group learn to be in awe and fear of this leader. In the case of spiritual abuse, we were indoctrinated to believe that an angry preacher meant an angry God. When all was well between us and the preacher, all was well between us and God. The fear of displeasing this man was equal to the fear of hell and eternal damnation without God.

When a person comes out of this atmosphere, and begins to grow in their cognitive understanding of the fallacy of this teaching, it is helpful in one’s daily life to know that God’s relationship with the individual is personal and does not depend on the opinions of others. However, in times of stress and emotion, the cognitive area of the brain is shut off. So, even though one firmly believes that a preacher is just a human being, in those moments of stress, when disapproval will undoubtedly come in a fearful situation, that primitive physical stress response kicks in.

It does not mean that you are “back to square one’ in your recovery. It doesn’t mean anything at all, really, except that your primitive, early brain learned to respond in fear and stress to a negative response from a preacher. In these cases, I’ve learned to get through the stress response by using relaxation techniques, and just to know that my recovery is still on track, and that the response was nothing more than a primitive physical response of my body warning me of the danger of such individuals in my life.

In the true spiritual world, only God is my judge. The opinions of men…all men…and women…all women, are irrelevant. God alone will decide my case. He alone will hand out the decision of my final destination.

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Finding community after leaving a cult or toxic religious environment

After years or even decades of languishing in a highly controlling religious group, ex-cult survivors are finally able to express themselves freely and investigate whatever they choose.

This can also mean that they can be fairly fiery.  They say what’s on their mind and don’t hold back.  If they see that something is wrong, unjust, unfair or unethical, they want to speak out. 

I include myself in this group.  Sometimes, it does also mean that we can be unintentionally hurtful or even rude.  After repressing our true thoughts and feelings for such a long time, they occasionally all come tumbling out uncontrollably… We don’t intend to be rude trolls, and most of us aren’t, but at times the anger, resentment and hurt that has built up inside us spill out when we are triggered, and we say things we shouldn’t.

When my husband and I came out of the Watchtower, we remained extremely critical of the Institutional Church.  However, our faith in Jesus grew exponentially.  If you leave a cult and then read the Gospel of John, you will see that Jesus was also AGAINST the institutionalized injustices of the religion of his day.  He spoke out bravely against the cruel and hypocritical Pharisees, and as a result, he was silenced, tortured and hung up to die.   He could have done his good deeds quietly or not chosen to heal people on the Sabbath; he could have been a people pleaser, afraid of their reaction and their power.  But He was not!!!

Sometimes, we want to be brave and outspoken like Jesus, but we lack the wisdom or compassion that He had.  We don’t always know exactly what to say, or who to say it to.  And people can see us as a threat.

Coming out of any spiritually abusive environment is bound to affect our identity.  We are not tied to our past, but to a certain extent, it does shape our outlook on the world.  I  am also convinced that experiencing such suffering, rejection and loss has widened our hearts, and made us more compassionate people.  We cannot sit in judgment on others like the Pharisees and cult leaders, because we know how much that hurts, and we could never shun another human being.

It has also made us hyper-vigilant when it comes to identifying hypocrisy and manipulative behaviours in others.  We avoid those people like the plague, and make no attempt to influence or “change” them, as we know it is fruitless.  We can love them from a distance, and keep out of the line of fire.

Although my husband and I do attend a church now, we are still hungry for real, honest and sincere fellowship. At this point in time in my life, I am profoundly grateful for the precious friendships I’ve made online.  People could say that an online contact isn’t a “real” friend, but I have experienced the exact opposite. At the click of a button, I can communicate with others, either in voice or video calls, via chat or in a group setting, and speak with other human beings who know what I’m going through.  I thank God for this precious gift of modern technology, which despite all its downsides, has made it much easier to come out of a cult and find true friendship.  If you haven’t done so already, I invite you to join our online community: Faith after Deception Fellowship. [Group is no longer in operation and was not affiliated with spiritualabuse.org.]

If you’ve never been in a cult and haven’t experienced spiritual abuse, be prepared for the fire when you meet those who have.  The fire is bright, it is hot, it can burn, but it can also kindle some of the most sincere and genuine friendships you will ever have.  Don’t be afraid of us… we don’t bite!!!

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