Category: leaving | Page 12 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Kicked Out on Mother’s Day

This coming Sunday is Mother’s Day. It will mark a year from the day my former pastor indirectly invited me to leave his church from the pulpit. He said something to the effect: “If anybody doesn’t like that I’m rough around the edges sometimes, there’s the door!”

I had gently and winsomely been emailing the church about concerns over several months before that. Some of you maybe read my blog post series: ‘Why I Left.’

I think that assistant pastor who was being “nice” after being standoffish and ignoring my emails was doing a tactic to “pull the rug out from under me” to flatter me in order to make it plausible that I was the “problem” and he had a weakness. Ugh!

If so, watch out for that tactic, ladies, if you are one to contend for the faith. Keep praying for God’s guidance on what to do.

I should have given up after the second email was ignored and talked to the senior pastor in person. I wanted to but I was intimidated.

Titus 3:10-11 says: “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.”

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Answer these 25 questions to find out if you are in a cult or high control group

Answer these 25 questions to find out if you are in a cult or high control group:

1) Do your studies or training in the group seem to be endless?

2) Did you have to give up things that you liked doing in order to be accepted into the group? (e.g. music, places you used to go, clothes, family life, celebrations, etc.)

3) Have you been encouraged to cut off good friendships or close family ties with people from outside of the group?

4) If you’ve belonged to the group all your life, are there things that you would have liked to have done but you couldn’t, as they were incompatible with the rules of the group?

5) Does belonging to the group involve dressing in a certain way and using a particular terminology?

6) Have you noticed a double moral standard in the group, where individuals pretend to be an ideal person in order to be accepted?

7) Do you have to project or maintain an outward appearance of happiness within the group, although deep down you are sad or dissatisfied?

8) Do you have to make more and more of an effort to continue being an active member of the group or are you requested to give more and more money?

9) Is criticism within the group or listening to critics forbidden and punished harshly?

10) Can you reject any instruction or order from the group, although publicly it is phrased as a “suggestion”?

11) Can you question any teaching or doctrine of the group, although the criticism may be well founded and expressed respectfully?

12) Are those who reject or criticize the group or its leaders said to be rejecting God himself?

13) Are the leaders enormously relevant to the group members, and does their influence affect every aspect of the group members’ lives?

14) Are the leaders seen to be superior the rest of the members?

15) Do they claim to have divine authority or to have been appointed directly by God?

16) Do the leaders affirm that only they can communicate with God directly and receive his instructions for the group?

17) In the meetings of the group, are certain phrases or concepts reinforced periodically and topics repeated frequently?

18) Do expressions of love/brotherly affection within the group often seem fake, superficial or insincere?

19) Is it forbidden to date or marry someone who does not belong to the group?

20) As well as the communal meetings, is it obligatory to attend large conferences or other special events, and are members constantly kept very busy in activities related with the group?

21) Do you have the feeling that you’re never doing enough to reach the prize or recompense that the group promotes?

22) Out of loyalty to the group, are there things that you must not say or secrets that you must not reveal?

23) Are the members of the group the only ones who can please God?

24) In general, do the group members feel superior to those who don’t belong to it?

25) Does the group teach that they are the only ones who will be saved, and that God will destroy or punish all those who don’t belong to it?

If the majority of your answers to these questions are “yes” (except 10 and 11) you are definitely involved in a sect/cult.

Tell us more about your story, please share in the comments below, or if you’re not comfortable writing publicly, consider joining the Spiritual Abuse online support group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/813830865371192/. You are not alone.

Versión Original en Español:

Test para saber si estás en una secta

1) ¿Tus estudios o entrenamiento con el grupo parecen no tener fin?

2) ¿Has debido dejar cosas que te gustan a fin de ser aceptado en el grupo (música, sitios donde ibas, manera de vestir, vida familiar, celebraciones, etc.)?

3) ¿Has tenido que dejar buenas amistades para pertenecer al grupo?

4) En el caso de haber pertenecido toda tu vida al grupo ¿hay cosas que hubieras querido hacer pero que no puedes por ser incompatibles con las reglas del grupo?

5) ¿Pertenecer al grupo supone seguir una manera de vestir particular y usar un vocabulario diferente?

6) ¿Se observa una doble moral en el grupo, donde los individuos fingen ser una persona ideal para ser aceptados?

7) ¿Debes proyectar y fomentar una imagen de felicidad dentro del grupo aunque internamente estés triste o disconforme?

8) ¿Tienes que dar cada vez más dinero o hacer cada vez más esfuerzo para seguir siendo miembro activo del grupo?

9) ¿La crítica dentro del grupo o el hecho de escuchar a personas con opiniones contrarias está prohibida y se castiga desproporcionadamente?

10) ¿Se puede rechazar alguna directriz u ordenanza del grupo aunque públicamente se plantee como “sugerencia”?

11) ¿Se puede cuestionar alguna enseñanza o doctrina del grupo, aunque la crítica esté fundada y se plantee en términos respetuosos?

12) ¿Se pinta a los que rechazan/critican al grupo o a su(s) líder(es) como personas que en realidad rechazan a Dios?

13) ¿El líder(es) es (son) enormemente relevante(s) para los miembros del grupo, su influencia abarca cada aspecto de la vida de los miembros?

14) ¿El líder(es) forma(n) parte de una clase especial, o superior al común de los miembros?

15) ¿El líder(es) ostenta(n) una autoridad o nombramiento otorgado por Dios directamente?

16) ¿El líder(es) afirma(n) que sólo él(ellos) puede(n) comunicarse con Dios directamente y recibir Sus directrices para el grupo?

17) ¿En las reuniones del grupo se repiten frases o se refuerzan conceptos periódicamente, percibes que los temas se van repitiendo?

18) ¿Las expresiones de afecto/amor fraternal al interior del grupo son a menudo fingidas?

19) ¿Están prohibidas las relaciones de pareja con personas que no pertenezcan al grupo?

20) ¿Además de las reuniones comunes, debes asistir a eventos especiales y largas conferencias, se procura mantener a los miembros muy ocupados en las actividades del grupo?

21) ¿Hay una sensación de que nunca estás haciendo lo suficiente para alcanzar el premio o recompensa que el grupo promueve?

22) Por lealtad al grupo, ¿hay cosas que no debes decir o secretos que no puedes revelar?

23) ¿Sólo los miembros del grupo pueden agradar a Dios?

24) En general, ¿los miembros del grupo se sienten superiores al resto de las personas?

25) ¿Sólo los miembros del grupo se salvarán, Dios destruirá o castigará eternamente a todo aquél que no pertenezca al grupo?

Si la mayoría de tus respuestas son “Sí” (excepto 10 y 11), sin duda estás envuelto en una secta. Cuéntanos tu historia; no estás solo.

PTCS -Post Traumatic Church Syndrome

It is not important what is in front of you, or behind you. It is what is inside of you that counts.

I read these “words of wisdom” on Facebook today and thought it was good advice except when you suffer from periods of PTSD, or as I call it PTCS (Post Traumatic Church Syndrome) it is still important to know what’s in front and what’s behind because it changed what’s inside me.

According to Wikipedia, PTSD is known as an anxiety disorder and can affect anyone who has seen or experienced a traumatic event. The common causes of PTSD include war, rape, terrorism, physical assault, and any threat of death or serious injury.

The Wikipedia definition for PTSD didn’t list trauma experienced from association with an unhealthy church. There are quite a few of us who suffer from several church related traumas, especially those who have left the United Pentecostal Church or other legalistic churches. I’ve heard, read and experienced many traumas from unhealthy churches and know the anxiety actually exists.

I found a book while surfing the internet one night titled, “Post Traumatic Church Syndrome Memoirs and Healing” written by Reba Riley and it caught my attention, why wouldn’t it?

Inside the pages she explained while Post Traumatic Church Syndrome is not actually a real sickness that is recognized by the mental health society, it still exists and the pain and grief are very real.

It is very hard to imagine that a church you go to for help can turn on you and drop you like a hot potato, but it’s true. We are all walking wounded and we’ve been hurt from the very church we sought out for help and salvation. These wounds create an emotional barrier for us to attend church, create barriers for us to connect with God, and create barriers for us to develop relationships with other followers of Jesus.

These barriers are not evidence of anything that was wrong with us, but are evidence of wrongs that have been done to us. There is nothing wrong with us as we were made to think, we just had inquisitive minds who questioned things… and that is frowned upon in many legalistic churches.

PTCS runs deep and it hurts because we feel like we’ve lost our identity. I believe Paul said it best in Romans 7:5-6, “For when we were in the flesh, the sinful passions which were aroused by the law (legalism) were at work in our members to bear fruit to death. But now we have been delivered from the law (legalism), having died to what we were held by, so that we should serve in the newness of the Spirit and not in the oldness of the letter.” When we wanted to be “good,” when we wanted to do the right thing and when we deeply wanted to be a follower of Jesus, and the pastor and/or another member tries to tell us that we’re not very good at it, it messes with our mind and soul.

But when I had enough trauma, I walked away. As a matter of fact, I was so discouraged, depressed, and hurt, I literally ran away. I know it appeared to many that I ran away from God and I often heard comments and read posts on Facebook about how I had backslid and I was a former pastor’s wife and should be “set” right. But that wasn’t my case at all…I simply ran away from the United Pentecostal Church, and everything that was associated with the people who hurt me. As I started working through my PTCS, I realized how resentful and even hostile towards anything “churchy” I’d become, but deep in my heart I still wanted to know God and I wanted a close walk with Him. I wanted something deeper and more meaningful.

It’s taken me several years to come to grips with my PTCS but I was able to receive help through programs offered in my new church. Programs like Cleansing Streams and Celebrate Recovery which enable you to receive help and healing from hurts, habits and hangups.

No, it wasn’t easy to do and I’m not completely healed but my anxiety level is the lowest it’s been for many years. My anxiety medicine is only taken “as needed” and I haven’t needed it for several weeks. So I end with this, if it’s still important to know what’s in front and what’s behind because it changed what’s inside, then it may be time to find a church that offers programs that will help you heal. Those churches are the ones that care about you and want to help you. We shouldn’t have to carry the hurts from the past and let them hinder our growth for a future.

Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Being church

I came to visit, fairly shaken by the things I’ve seen, heard, and experienced that call themselves Christian in America today. I was spiritually, emotionally tired of all of it, and just about ready to walk away in disgust, not from God, but definitely from everything that called itself ‘of God’ in my society. And then I walked through your doors and into your life.

You know that story about the new pastor who dressed as a beggar, walked in, and was shunned? Yeah, I know the feeling. I saw eyes avert and people walk away. I notice when no one says good morning. You say every Christian should go to church, but I haven’t found much Christianity within churches. Do you realize it would be easier to come if someone acted like they cared that I was there? Someone besides the one asking for or receiving (or being paid by the funds of) the offering? Do you know that I have a pretty good memory… and when you tell me that you treat visitors and attenders pretty much the same but then ignore my questions, or tell me that you address a certain question I ask in your small groups (which emailed you asking to join and never heard back from you on)… or worse, let me know that you really focus on members, not the rest of us, when I do ask questions… that I remember your first response and count that as a sign of untrustworthiness?

Do you realize that those rare times when you take the time to hear me, when you answer a question or even just say hello because you mean it, I see that too? Do you know that if you’d love me you might find a great deal to love about me, that if you’d put into me some of what you expect out of me–if you’d give me some of your time, some care and compassion and understanding, you might get the same?

You might. I could be mistaken, but I believe you are supposed to reach out to the world, not expect the world to come knocking at your door. I believe the intent is that you love one another and all the rest of us too.

It’s a little strange. The things that have impacted me most over the years have been a simple chaplain’s prayer, a pastor who was willing to change a tire, and a friend’s happiness that I came. Nothing major, and no program. Those things cost nothing, but they meant everything. I was in an office, in a parking lot, at a restaurant, in a home. There were no steeples, no mics, no bulletins, no bibles. And yet at those times I experienced true church.

A blessing or a curse?

In our former churches we may have been led to believe that blessings were certain things–we might be blessed with health, finances, spouses, kids, or certain talents, for instance. What ways have you been blessed that may not have seemed like blessings at the time? Were you ever told you were NOT blessed in some way that actually for you was a blessing?

I think the primary blessing I received is probably the hardest–I had to leave my former church. Everyone, including me, thought leaving was the ultimate “bad” thing in life. But today I realize that this was the greatest blessing I could have received. It wasn’t fun… it was one of the hardest things I have ever done and that decision and the fall out from it continues to impact my life. Still, I am so thankful that I left when I did, and that I got out before the arrest of another member that later took place.

I’ve also laughed at things people told me were blessings–I was “blessed” with great jobs… no one knew I was making not much over minimum wage even with a college degree. They only saw the outside. They didn’t realize I ate so much pasta (it was cheap) that I still 20 years later can’t stand the thought of making it most of the time. Also, some said I wasn’t blessed like they were because I didn’t have a husband or kids… it sounded as though they were blaming me or looking down on me. At the same time I looked at what I could see of their lives and wondered at how they could even make it through another day with all the trials they seemed to have. We all deal with things differently. Comparing ourselves among ourselves isn’t wise.

The push to see blessings and cursings has disturbed me. What looks like a blessing from the outside may be a daily struggle for the person living it, and what may look like a curse may be a blessing in disguise. So to label something one way or the other might sometimes create a lot of heartache where there could be joy. Because you never know… and even the things that we see as bad could turn into blessings just because God can still create something out of nothing.