Category: healing | Page 17 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving

A year ago yesterday I turned in my formal resignation to my former church. It’s been an interesting and wonderful year, full of growth, laughter, and a few tears, but well worth it.

I didn’t want to leave my former church. Although there were a lot of bad things that happened, there were also people who’d been kind to me and who I didn’t want to hurt… People who would be hurt by my leaving, no matter how the leaving was done. I was also scared. I believed that the basic doctrine taught was THE truth, but the situation at that church had become untenable. If I left, I would face the strong possibility that no other Oneness church would accept me, yet if I stayed, I knew that there was a strong possibility that I would be pressured to lie. The fallout from speaking the truth would be heavy, yet I had to speak. I’d been named in a lawsuit by a member who’d told me something entirely different than what he told in court.

Before the court case, I thought that I would simply, gracefully, disappear. I’d get a job and move, get married into another church, or simply move home to take care of my aging parents. Then I could go to a more liberal church and get away from what I considered the hurtful side of Pentecost–I thought that if I went to another church or into another part of the movement I’d be fine. I couldn’t grasp that problems might exist in other parts of Pentecost- I thought they were limited to my church. When the court papers were served, I knew I had to get out before responding to the papers. I kept some pending commitments, turned in my resignation, and promptly submitted my documentation to the court.

I wasn’t sure what would happen when the pastor got the resignation… as it turned out he never even acknowledged it, at least not to me. A few members continued to contact me for a few weeks. Finally, I told one that I’d resigned. They were shocked, hurt, and probably scared for themselves at that point. I explained that I’d deliberately refrained from telling them to ensure the pastor had received notice first, in order to protect them. Though I still wish I could have told a handful of people goodbye personally, that would have hurt them more. It surprised me and hurt me though, to realize that once they knew about my resignation, most never attempted to bring me back. It was as though either I or the church had suddenly disappeared from the city!

When I joined the support group board, I didn’t think I’d be leaving Pentecost forever. I assumed that I would leave for a short while, or leave the very strict group I was in, but I never thought I would leave completely. I was terrified of registering on the forum, but desperately needed some sort of interaction and a place to put my thoughts and work through everything that was happening.

Grace, faith, love… a different kind of prayer, faith filled and simple… the prayer drew me. Before leaving I’d talked to a chaplain about leaving. He was extremely kind. He listened rather than telling me what to do, and he listened completely and compassionately. I wasn’t used to that. After we visited, he asked if it would be alright to pray with me. The kind of prayer he prayed still brings tears to my eyes.

Still, it was only a few months later, after visiting another Oneness church a few times, that I knew I would probably never go back. The services seemed shallow and then I discovered there were connections between a member and members at my former church that would have led to more gossip. I was tired of the gossip and the struggle to prove myself. I’d also begun to realize that there were good churches outside the Oneness movement… and that I needed to learn some of the things they taught.

Once I realized and admitted to myself that I wouldn’t be going back to a Pentecostal church, I could move ahead. There were a lot of questions to answer, a lot of exploring to do. What did I believe? What didn’t I believe? What did I just do because I’d been told to, and what did I believe was actually in the Bible? What did the Bible teach about topics like grace that my former church had always avoided?

It’s been an interesting journey. It doesn’t seem like a year has gone by, yet if someone had asked me last December if I could have come to where I am today in such a short time, I would have been stunned.

I still struggle with some things. It’s hard to read my Bible (because of sermons I’m reminded of), but it’s becoming easier to pray. And not just to mumble a half thought prayer as I did in Pentecost or to push for a certain feeling or experience, but to truly talk to God about things, accepting that He’s there and He hears. I still respond strongly to some things, too. But I’m not afraid anymore. I don’t worry as much about what others think or what they might say. If something goes wrong, I don’t immediately think I must have sinned and God’s punishing me. And I don’t feel the pressure to pretend to be something I’m not, and never have been. It’s nice to be free to be real, to be myself. It’s nice to do things just for the enjoyment of doing them, without examining every minute to see if it could be judged wrong in some way.

Someone stopped me the other day and asked what was different about me. It isn’t the first time I’ve been asked. It’s not a change of dress or hairstyle. Apparently even to others I seem happier, more relaxed… something. And I am. Yesterday, I think the woman had decided I had a new guy in my life. No, I don’t. But I am finally really getting to know Him.

Merry Christmas, all.

Looking For A Church Part 3

Continued from Looking For A Church Part 2.

I’m staying in a place like this!

I joined the church I’ve been attending today. I’ve been considering it for awhile now, but haven’t really mentioned that here because I wasn’t sure what the reaction would be. I wanted this to be my decision, and don’t want to hurt, confuse, or upset anyone else through it.

Still… if you’re looking for a church, be encouraged.

I’ve always liked this church but there were a few points I thought we were in disagreement on that I hesitated about. And, I’d been going to churches and looking for what was wrong with them rather than what was right.

After asking a number of questions, observing people’s interactions with each other and others, taking lots of notes and praying about it, I’ve decided this is where I need to be. It seems to be an amazingly healthy church.

After my last questions, the pastor gave me a book that outlines their beliefs. Opening the book, I assumed I’d find a lot of scripture to back all kinds of opinions and interpretations of scripture. I braced myself for a long boring read. 🙂 And was amazed. There is time given to their understanding of God, baptism, communion and so forth, but there is equal time given to discussions of loving and respecting one another, of accepting each others’ differences even while each expressing their opinions when they feel led, of the worth and value of every individual on earth and so forth. Reading their “doctrinal” explanations, I found that they explained their views well, but often on non-essentials printed two or even three or more viewpoints, giving equal attention to the pros and cons of each view and restating acceptance of people no matter which view they held.

I’ve watched these people interact with each other, and know they live what they say they believe. I’ve been surprised as they accepted me even though they might well guess (or know) where I came from and what my beliefs might be. Never once in all my questions did the pastor disagree with me or argue for an opinion. He would state some different views and encourage me to read certain passages when asked, but for him that was the end of his part in it–it was my decision, my choice what to believe. He never went back and asked if I’d read anything or if I’d come to any decisions. The choice was mine. The respect that shows amazed me. I’ve watched them interact with each other too, concerned for each other, loving each other, focused on others rather than themselves (in a positive way). For instance last night they had a pool party. No one went off into little whispering groups. No one was excluded, no one was the center of attention. Everyone had someone. I didn’t see anyone off to the side, alone, and I didn’t see any groups off to the side talking. No one complained!

So after thinking about it and praying about it and studying everything out, I read or skimmed most of the book, and was surprised to find that I agreed with many things in the book, even things I thought I was alone in believing. I’ve known for a week or more that I’d be here for awhile. But though they would have accepted me whether I joined or not, I wanted to make a commitment and a public statement of that. This morning I did.

LOL and then I realized I hadn’t “prayed about it” in the Pentecostal sense. 😮 Mild panic set in for a minute… then I realized that I HAD prayed about it. For weeks (and months and years, less specifically). I’ve been praying that God would show me where to go and give me peace about it, showing me what choices to make. He did. My prayers the last few days haven’t been “God, show me.” No… rather, they’ve been “God, thank you!” Not thanks that I found a church to call home, but thanks that finally things like His grace and love started making more sense, and that I was seeing those in action through the people I was worshiping with. So I’d prayed and He’d already answered.

Yes, there’s more to the story, but yes, my mind, heart and conscience are all in agreement. And I’m happy.

Looking For A Church Part 1

Looking For A Church Part 2

Continued from Part 1.

The pastor gave me a copy of their basic statement of belief earlier this week. I love what I’ve been reading. I love what I’ve been seeing as I watch these people interact with each other and others, too. They have a good report in the community. They don’t argue, complain, or settle into clicks when they get together–their focus is outward, not selfish, it seems. They show genuine care for each other.

Their beliefs (the written info I got) include statements about the worth of each person and the respect due to all, lots about God’s love and grace… even a few things I didn’t know ANYONE agreed with me on. When I asked about membership, I wasn’t told what to do, I was asked what I wanted to do. They accepted me even though I didn’t join and even when I told them I disagreed. No arguing, no debating, no telling me I’m wrong or trying to prove themselves right, just open study and discussion and seeking common ground. I could stay in a place like this…

Looking For A Church Part 1

I’m running the emotional gamut on this, it seems. I want to be a part of a church again. But what church, and where? If I’m out of town, no church would be referred to as a “trash can.” But I’d certainly be happier attending in town.

I really do like the church I’ve been going to. And I really disagree on a few points. But they aren’t heaven/hell issues. Not to me, at least.

Odd that I would drive up to 60 miles one way to find a church, and end up seriously considering joining the one less than ten blocks from my home.

Hopefully I’ll get a response to my e-mails tomorrow, though we did talk some tonight. Then, too, hopefully the pastor will remember to loan me their version of the manual that he offered. We’ll see. I’ve gone from excited to ready to just go find someplace else to hopeful to excited again today… excited tonight not because I might have found a “home” but because I realized and was able to put a difficult concept into the right words tonight, and for the first time in a long time was able to explain something while also reaching a depth of praise that I love.

I think at least for those few minutes I found my wings, the balance I thought I’d lost in the last few years of struggle. And flew.

The Gift of Grace

Been reading a book that explained grace in less than 306 pages.

So in Christ God did for man what neither he, no one else, nor anything else could do for him. That is the very essence of grace… grace means that God gives us what we need, not what we deserve.
Originally the Greek word rendered “grace” meant to make a gift, then to forgive a debt, then to forgive a wrong, and finally to forgive sin. So basically grace is a gift, as expressed in Romans 3:24. Literally, “Being declared righteous as a gift by his grace through the full redemption, the one in Christ Jesus.”
Note that salvation is not “out of yourselves” or “out of works” as the source. It is “of God the gift”. It is by grace made possible in the individual through his faith. Good works are the fruit, not the root, of salvation.

I’ve never heard it explained that way. Grace is a gift. We can’t earn a gift. A person doesn’t beg for a gift. A person can’t ask for a gift and it still be a true gift. A real gift- at least to me- is undeserved, unexpected, unmerited, and completely free (it doesn’t come with strings attached- such as ‘do this and you’ll get it,’ ‘do that and you can keep it’).

Also a gift, by it’s very nature of being a gift, cannot be something we earned. (If we earned it, it’s a wage. We earned our wage- Rom 6:23. Don’t like the wages. The gift is much better!)

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But wait… we shouldn’t stray too far that way, or we’ll get an “anything goes” attitude! No, not if we’re sincere. If I get a gift from someone, what should I do with it? I’d be ungrateful if I flung any gift away, but if it’s something I need, I know I need it, and I refuse to use it, then how much more so!! Yet the giver doesn’t take that gift back. He doesn’t come, knock on the door, and say “Pardon me, I noticed you haven’t used my wonderful gift. Give it back so I can give it to someone more appreciative!” He might not give me more gifts, but he certainly won’t take away the gift I’ve been given.

Sure, we could toss a gift aside. We could refuse it. But if we love the giver, we’ll value and treasure the gift, and the gift will mean that much more. And in loving the giver, we’ll want to give back what small tokens we can.

And to me that’s freedom. We can follow rules because we have to in order to earn something unobtainable, or we can rest assured knowing we’ll be given what we need, responding freely, in love, to the One who gave so much to us. Each might look the same outwardly, but one is done from fear, while the other is done through faith, from a cheerful, willing heart, the overflow of an abundance of the Giver’s love.