Category: healing | Page 12 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Struggles In Starting Over

Someone had posted their thoughts elsewhere and I obtained permission to share them here with our readers. It is our hope that it will be encouraging to people. Directly below is the post and afterward I will add a few comments.

*****All these memes and movies about how great starting over is really frustrate me. I woke up to a song about starting over running through my head. Just need to vent.

There are countless reasons why I didn’t leave my unhealthy, toxic environment. But here are a few.

1. When I complained or sought redress, I felt heard (some narcissists are good at doing this), but then nothing would change, and I would figure, it would take time.

2. I didn’t want to leave and START ALL OVER. I don’t make friends easily, never have. I have a hard time initiating communication and spending time with people. Because of rejection from my siblings and their friends, and neglect and feeling unwanted by my folks (at times-though my dad probably was never comfortable with me) I always feel like a burden to ASK for people’s time. I also worried that if I went to another church all my efforts and contributions (unrecognized and unappreciated) would have been for nothing.

3. I constantly asked God for permission to leave. I either heard NO or I heard nothing. I see now that opportunities were placed in my path, but hearing a ‘yes’ would really have made a huge difference. Why I felt I heard NO, I have no idea, but silence…is one of the reasons I’m still so incredibly angry at him. I finally left because I just didn’t give a shit whether he said yes or no. I literally couldn’t do it anymore. I also was realizing over time that we as Christians have gotten entirely too hung up on ‘THE WILL OF GOD’. It’s a very nice excuse too, we pray and pray and pray seeking the Will of God as though it were a 4th member of the trinity (not my idea, but true). God gave us a will and we’re allowed to use it. I think he even wants us to use it. I sure could have used that information about a decade earlier, but we certainly didn’t believe that at my church. I finally exercised my will, just a little too late. And again, it was more about being too exhausted to stay than choosing to go somewhere else – which I have not and will not for some time to come.

But I realize I do have to start over. I’m isolated, and I self-medicate with TV and video games because it’s easier than starting over, rebuilding takes a lot of energy. Being social takes a lot of emotional energy for me. Putting myself out there is the same. I do it for my business because I have to, and it brings dividends, but stepping out further and putting me personally out there is even more vulnerable.

And part of me worries that I’ll end up doing all this over again. Build up years worth of ‘friendships’ only to see them betray me too.

But I’m further along than I was before, and the fact that I’m even thinking about starting over is a good sign. And frankly, I run into unbelievers and other believers who see more value in me than anyone ever did in my old church (it was my business networking group that first helped me see that people who barely knew me were valuing/seeing me for who I was more than the folks who were my ‘friends’). So progress is there, it’s just not exactly fun or exciting or glamorous. Starting over sucks. But I know I’m better off, I just wish I had gotten a clue sooner, before my faith and hope were trashed.*****

My brief thoughts:

#1: There have been pastors who have told people that things will change, while they drag the person along and there is no change or very little of it or it’s not the type of change the person wanted to see. Unhealthy churches don’t often change to a solid healthy one. But encouraging the person to remain with empty promises continues the cash flow, the free help, and the keeps the church numbers up.

#3: I’d like to know where the notion of being required to pray and hear from God about remaining at a church started. I don’t see anything of this nature in the New Testament. I believe the ‘no’ answer one thinks they feel often comes from all the messages people have heard over the years- that this church has something special/are the only ones with truth/you must stay where you were planted/you must obey the pastor/you must have a covering and on and on.

We wouldn’t do this in many other circumstances. For instance, if you saw someone being injured, you wouldn’t pray first about whether or not you should help somehow, like calling 911. If your boss was mistreating and lying to you, you most likely wouldn’t seek God’s permission to look for a new job. If a company ripped you off in work they did, would you seek God’s permission to file a BBB complaint, file a suit in small claims court, hire a lawyer, or confront the company and demand they make it right? So why do we hold to this notion that we must obtain God’s permission, or somehow hear from him directly, before making a decision to leave an unhealthy, abusive church?

I really like how this person ended after the numbered items. We need hope and encouragement in our journey of recovery and healing. He did just that for himself and for others. I truly wish that I could tell people that it will take x amount of time and everything will be fine. I wish I could tell people, do this, this and that and it will all be over. But when, even though you are hurting and wrestling with various emotions and feelings, you can see light at the end of the tunnel and make progress- that is a good focus and something for you to hold on to for any future times when you may become discouraged.

Some people make light of the experiences of those who have exited bad churches. They think people are whining and need to get over it and move on. They haven’t a clue how complex recovery can be. When one is taught things which distort their perception of God, when they are taught twisted and legalistic doctrines, when one’s self-worth has been beaten down and shattered time and again, you do not just ‘move on’. It takes time and a lot of work to heal and recover. And despite what this man has been through, and though he is battling deep emotions and anger, he is making steps of progress and sees some light ahead.

May he be healed in his innermost being and may all who have suffered in spiritually abusive churches receive healing and deliverance.

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The Miry Clay

I’ve been out of legalism and attending a healthy grace-filled church for six years and feel like I’ve come a long way in my healing from spiritual abuse. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTCS (post traumatic church syndrome, my made up phrase for bad church experiences).

At the new healthy church, I’ve been through many bible studies and programs and currently involved in Celebrate Recovery. I’m also getting ready to teach a spiritual abuse bible study called Life’s Healing Choices (Thanks Lois for the book). I have overcome a lot of junk from my past and I’ve had remarkable healing of relationships and even forgiving and forgetting certain situations in my past.

But even with all the victories, every once in awhile I wake up and feel like I’m back in that deep miry pit and struggling with depression, anxiety and overeating. The negativity is so strong and my mind is swirling with negative thoughts, worry, anxiety and fear and I can’t seem to shut it down. I just keep sinking into the pit of despair.

Did something trigger it? Probably the paperwork I received from my long term disability insurance that needs to be filled out for them to review my case and decide to continue paying my disability.

Now this insurance company knows I have Parkinson’s Disease and it is progressive with no cure. You never improve you just keep adjusting and you are dependent on the medications. I need that disability income to survive financially and to pay my insurance because my medicines are expensive.

I know all the scriptures that I’ve quoted to others and I’ve had them quoted to me. Luke 12:29, Philippians 4:6, Philippians 4:13, “to be anxious for nothing,” “God will supply,” “take no thought for what you will wear or eat” and there are many others. I quote them all and pray them all but I’m still in the pit!

I tell God that I hate the pit. That I’m being sucked down into the miry clay of depression.

So I cry as my daughter fills out the paperwork because my handwriting is too bad and is not legible anymore and I bemoan my fate and complain about my plight. Until my sweet daughter sighs and tells me to read something in the Bible. Something different.

Something different? She suggested Psalms 40. So I opened my bible and began to read:

I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth— Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the LORD. Blessed is that man who makes the LORD his trust, And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies. Many, O LORD my God, are Your wonderful works Which You have done; And Your thoughts toward us Cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, They are more than can be numbered. Sacrifice and offering You did not desire; My ears You have opened. Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require. Then I said, “Behold, I come; In the scroll of the book it is written of me. I delight to do Your will, O my God, And Your law is within my heart. I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness In the great assembly; Indeed, I do not restrain my lips, O LORD, You Yourself know. I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart; I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation; I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth From the great assembly. Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O LORD; Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me. ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40:1-11‬ ‭NKJV

When I finished reading I had to admit I was very humbled and shamefaced and I looked at my daughter and wondered when had she become so wise and I said as much. She smiled and shrugged a shoulder and said “Mom, you taught me and you have always done all the things that portion of scripture says. I read it and pray it all the time.”

Then she told me to read Proverbs 12:25:

“Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad.”

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So as she finished the paperwork and made copies of my Power of Attorney to attach, she spoke good words to me and it did make my heart glad. Then she took my hand and she prayed these words: “Heavenly Father, You brought us out of the miry clay of legalism and put our feet upon the rock of Christ Jesus to stay. You put a new song in our hearts to sing. A song of praise hallelujah!” She looked at me, this young woman who I raised, the mother of my five granddaughters, with wisdom and faith in her eyes and said we used to sing the old hymn differently in the past but this is how I sing it now!

So I dried my tears and we both smiled and I climbed out of the pit.

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Is Your Church a Safe Zone or a Red Flag?

A lot of people suffer from a bit of shortsightedness in regards to their local congregations when it comes to spiritual abuse survivors. I can’t speak for those in fundamentalist/evangelical/charismatic settings, but in my own experiences within liberal mainline Christianity, I think a lot of people simply aren’t aware of either spiritual abuse or its implications.

Remember, not everyone who has just exited a cult experience is going to advertise what happened to them. Many people dealing with the aftermath of an abusive church situation simply want to test the waters at another church without committing to anything.

Even in situations where someone has not been in an abusive church, inadvertently pressuring someone into something that does not suit their needs or interests can pose a problem. Here are some things to keep in mind that are helpful all around to keep your church a safe zone, adapted from one of my earlier publications:

Be welcoming, in an agenda-free way – A casual visitor checking out different churches should be just as welcome as a serious inquirer. Don’t befriend someone just in hopes of drawing them in, then dump them because they ultimately go elsewhere. This includes not doing such things on social media, too, such as one case that came to mind where someone did just that to a family member.
Don’t pressure them into getting involved with activities – Home groups, classes, or men’s/women’s groups don’t have universal appeal for all. Some toxic religious groups even use involvement as a pretext for bullying people who aren’t involved “enough”. Let newcomers know what’s available, but don’t make assumptions about what suits them or put on pressure, even jokingly.
Understand that some parts of the worship service might act as triggers – Formally welcoming new people by asking them to come forward, if practiced, should be optional. Also, if your congregation practices the laying on of hands, be aware that some groups use this practice in a manipulative way. Participation should always be optional, and explaining how your faith tradition uses this practice can help ease any concerns.
Always be open about your denomination’s history and beliefs – Most spiritually abusive groups teach that their group is the “one true church” and people in other groups can inadvertently give this impression about theirs. Keep in mind that no modern denomination existed in its present form in the New Testament era. When citing differences between your church and theirs, explain the differences without denouncing them.
Think about the “user-friendliness” of your service – While you may be able to navigate through your own service without difficulty, the same might not be true for newcomers. Make sure your bulletin is user-friendly and you have literature that explains the hows and whys of your service structure, including how communion is received, if applicable. Don’t pressure visitors into taking part in actions they are not comfortable with.

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On The Other Side

On the other side
The sun will shine
On the other side
Everything is fine
On the other side
We’ll learn to be content
I know where the grass is green
We’ll step ashore and the air is clean
So weep no more
Leave your troubles far behind
On the other side (The Seekers)

While being on the ‘other side’ of an unhealthy church experience won’t mean everything will be OK with total contentment and no crying or trouble, one can truly get to a much better place than was experienced.

On the ‘other side’ of all the yucky parts of dealing with the negative aspects of our experiences, there is a good place. There can be a happy ending to your story. And you know what, you’ll appreciate it to a greater degree than others. Why? Because you’ve experienced the ‘wrong side’ of religion. And when you’ve experience the ‘wrong side’ of religion, you thoroughly love and appreciate the ‘other side.’

You’ve heard certain teachings over and over and over and not much of any meat. You’ve experienced the image of an uncaring God, just ready to bust you over the head should you dare step out of line. You’ve experienced a minister who does not have the heart of a servant. You’ve experienced a works related salvation. You’ve experienced a place where the love is most often dependent upon you keeping the rules. You experienced a time where your initial joy at coming to know the Lord was slowly squeezed from your being, to where you may have even become a judgmental person.

BUT…on the ‘other side’, you can experience the REAL thing. God loves you simply because he loves you. You can’t do a thing to make him love you any more or any less….but you may find your love for him growing as you break free from the faulty teachings and untrue image of God. You’ll find there is no whip or baseball bat in his hand, ready to pound you at the least infraction of a rule. He is a patient, long suffering God. You may find that the Bible will open to you anew—-and you will look forward to reading it because of all that God is revealing to you. You read it before but missed so many wonderful truths because it was twisted and used to manipulate you. You might develop and use your gifts and talents so you may help others; many had them squashed in their former churches. It’s kind of like being a kid all over again and getting to go to that place you just couldn’t wait to get to!

Will things like these happen right away? I wish I could say that they would. It takes time and patience while you work through all the issues involved in leaving an unhealthy church. It may be difficult at first to not view God as a harsh taskmaster or to be able to read the Bible without past sermons screaming in your mind. As you discover who you are in Christ and learn of God’s grace and start to experience it, things will change. It is a much better place than the one you left. It isn’t a place of striving to obtain favor with God, it is one of knowing you already are accepted by him. It isn’t a place of trying hard to measure up, but one of resting in the completed work of Jesus Christ. It isn’t a place of being shamed, humiliated or degraded, but a place of love, joy and peace.

Our prayer is that all who have been subjected to spiritual abuse and unhealthy churches will come to a place of healing and be able to break free from the tangled mess of deception and lies of their former churches.

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The Shattering II Giveaway

Sexual abuse is something which should never happen. To be assaulted or raped often devastates the person; they are violated in a most personal manner. When the perpetrator is a minister, it can have a profound effect spiritually. That also holds true when a church member assaults another member and the church tells the individual to keep quiet and allow leadership to handle it. The reputation of the church is more important than them. Many have watched as the priest/minister was allowed to retain their position as if nothing happened.

In all the years I have operated the spiritual abuse website, I have seen how difficult it is for people to open up and share. It is often the deepest, darkest secret they keep, buried under great pain, sorrow, hurt and tears. Some tried to share in the past and were disbelieved, even by parents and siblings. Others were threatened should they dare to speak. Some were falsely accused of doing something which caused their abuse.

While some try hard to bury what happened to them, it still lurks in the shadows. The past comes back to mind as things happen which trigger the memories and emotions. This happened with a dear friend of mine from my former United Pentecostal Church.

Julie liked it that way. After all, what would it benefit to go back to the past? Didn’t everyone just say forget about the past, get a life, or just plain get over it. Even Christians seemed to have the cliche of saying “That’s all under the blood.” It seemed that we were to just let it all go. But how do we do this? Julie wondered.

Julie tried hard and she had done a good job of it, too, of shoving it so far down within her, to a place where she thought it wouldn’t bother her anymore. If it would have just worked and stayed there it would have been fine. But it didn’t.

The past always resurfaced. And when it did, it would catch Julie so off-guard, that she could never be sure of how to handle it.

Julie began to ponder within her heart and search her Bible to try to understand more of how God would want her to deal with the past, a past that always seemed to rise up and haunt her- now even more so, with the recurring dreams that she continued to have.

…Julie continued to have the recurring dreams. Each dream that she had would only stir up all of the issues of her past and bring them soaring to the present. …The door part way open. …The villain in the house. She would awake full of terror, often unable to go back to sleep.

I’ve known Marty Barth for years, but never knew that her father had molested her as a child. That is until I heard about her first book, The Shattering, where she begins her story. I never knew the deep pain and hurt she held inside. She has chosen to openly share about her past in an effort to help others who have been harmed sexually. She now speaks at various functions across America and visits those in prison. Marty is a sweet, loving woman and though we have not seen each other since the year I made the decision to leave the United Pentecostal Church, I am glad to call her friend.

In the sequel to her first book, The Shattering II: Breaking the Silence shares some of the more recent events in Marty’s life, including finally opening up to her brothers and sharing what happened, her father becoming ill and her bold confrontation with him as he was dying. Her story shares how she fought to begin healing the deep wounds from her past. While her story has many sad and heartbreaking aspects, it is also one of hope and encouragement.

We have given away books for years as part of the spiritualabuse.org ministry. This is your chance to receive a new copy of The Shattering II: Breaking the Silence. You need not have read the first as this book stands by itself. We have two copies of this to give away. This is only open to those with a USA mailing address. (Unfortunately, it is cost prohibitive to mail books outside of the USA. Canadians with a USA mailing address are welcome to enter.)

This giveaway is a different from our large giveaways as it is a drawing and not a first come, first served event. To enter, just leave a comment on this post to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on August 2 at 9pm (eastern time), after which I will draw two winners. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it. There is absolutely no cost to enter.

Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as comments require approval when you are commenting for the first time.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers. We want people to be helped and to heal. So far this year we have spent several hundred dollars on providing material free of charge to our readers.

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