Category: healing | Page 10 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

“Of Like Precious”…(Abuse?)

If I had a dime for all the times I heard it said “of like precious faith,” I’d likely be very rich today (but only if I didn’t give all those dimes away in the offering).

“Of like precious faith” was a code phrase, much like other code phrases that were common in the group I grew up in. Now, when I read anything from that group, I read things that others without that background do not get. I’ve often shown a friend or co-worker something to explain the subtle mental and spiritual abuse, only to have them look at me blankly and ask, “what does this and that mean?” We had our own language that only the special “chosen few” could understand.

The phrase “of like precious faith” did not refer to all other believers, as one might think. It referred only to those who had your own special brand of salvation, doctrine, and dress code. It meant you were in the “in” crowd, the one where people were somehow perceived to be closer to God.

“Of like precious faith” did not mean you were truly a person who had a lot of faith in God–you might perhaps have no faith in God whatsoever, but only believe in your own works to save you. It didn’t mean that you were a person who was precious to be around either. It was quite possible you would be a nasty spirited person who criticized and judged everyone. In fact, often “of like precious faith” meant you were one of the group who looked down on others as being lesser than you and your in crowd.

In reality, the term “of like precious faith” was more like a code name for quite the opposite than what it implied. Often, one could’ve just as easily said “of like minded abuse” and been more accurate. This “precious faith” simply meant that you were one of the elite few who had it made, as far as going to heaven went. You had figured out the formula for the “Kool-aid” that would mark you as one of the group. You had the right clothing on, the right hairstyle, and the judgmental attitude to boot.

All kinds of abusers flew under that flag! Sociopaths were welcome, especially in leadership. Bring your Narcissistic self right on up in your fancy clothing, big Bible in hand. You were already labeled as one of the superior race of Christian, God’s own apostle, regardless of how you treated your family or those in your congregation.

It was a phrase that marked you apart and let people know you were “safe”–they could believe every word that came out of your mouth and they’d better accept you with open arms, lest they prove to not be “of like precious faith” themselves.

Friday I shared with a female co-worker just a hint of something I’d been going through. She asked if I was a person who prayed. I said, “yes.” She asked if she could pray with me. I readily agreed. She began praying “Father, Daddy, …” and what followed was the most anointed prayer that really touched Heaven and instantly calmed my anxiety. Oh, wait! She wasn’t “of that precious faith”! She was Anglican…yet never a more fervent prayer has been prayed over me.

Where did the phrase “of like precious faith” originate? What “big wig” preacher started this? It ran like wild-fire through the ranks. It could never be said of a Baptist, Methodist, Assembly of God, or Presbyterian. In fact, behind the backs of such individuals, even the term “Christian” had to be said with air commas to show you truly believed the individual to be eternally lost and not Christian at all.

Recently a co-worker called me, confused. He is a therapist in a school district and was setting up an intake for a new client, when the clients mom began crying hysterically. He patiently began the job of calming her down. Her problem? She was Pentecostal and she couldn’t go to a counselor that wasn’t a “Christian counselor.” I reminded him that he is a Christian and he is a counselor, but I assured him that might not even be enough for her. I felt much pity and compassion, wondering if her pastor would be upset if she went to a counselor with real credentials, instead of just his own Bible with his man-made interpretation of it. My co-worker wasn’t “of like precious faith.”

Here we are, a lot of wounded souls, all affected by those “like minded abusers.” We once thought they were precious, once believed they were men and women of faith. But then the caressing words and the outpouring of “love” turned to criticism and shaming. Yet, again, here we are. We may be down, we may have been shoved out, shunned, belittled, and downtrodden, but we are alive.

We are learning a new word–FREEDOM. Step by slow step we are learning to find our way through the pain. We are doing it together…people of “like minded pain,” those of “like minded precious grace.” We are learning that there really are true Christians, and we find them in the halls of Anglican churches, on Episcopalian pews, and in many other places…people who do not express to us their religious beliefs per se–but they hold our hands, they hug us, they help us, and they show us true love.

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Coping with the Cults – Part #3 – Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse is one of those labels that can be overused, much like the word cult. In the times following Jesus’ crucifixion and the birth of the Christian church, Judaism and the Roman occupiers of Jerusalem labeled the Christian movement a cult. However, it is also something that needs to be defined and exposed, because it happens in our neighborhoods, around the block, and in town.

Spiritual abuse is defined as when a spiritual leader, such as a pastor, uses his/her position of authority to control other individuals in a way that requires absolute obedience and results in the personal gain of power, prestige or financial gain.

Part 1 – Separation | Part 2 – Judgmentalism

In the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, that author(s) talks about the recovery process necessary to put back one’s faith in God and spiritual leadership after leaving a spiritually abusive situation. Like a man or woman abused by a spouse, or a child physically abused by a parent, in time they begin to believe that this is the norm. Every other man, or women, or parent, must be like this.

Nothing could be farther from the truth, but the wounds of the heart run deeper than the skin, and the wounds of the spirit run deeper yet. God warned of false teachers that would come in, ‘not sparing the flock.’ We think that just meant teaching false doctrines, but the warnings came on the heels of Pharisees using their authority to abuse people.

I know that after I am gone, [false teachers like] ferocious wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; – Acts 20:29, AMP

Spiritual abuse is malicious but covert. I am even willing to admit that some abusers are ignorant of the fact that they are perpetrating abuse. Rather, they are doing it ignorantly, fully convinced that it is the right thing to do.

This is always affected by people who lead a more cult-style religious system than a grace-based, Faith focused, Christ-centered church. Rather than pointing you towards Christ and getting out of the way, these people believe that they are the only pathway to Christ, that their legislated rules and behavior models are the only acceptable way, and that you need their shepherd’s crook around your neck to stay on the straight path.

For instance, in the Oneness Pentecostal sect of Pentecostalism I was in, the leaders often believe in what is called delegated authority or spiritual fatherhood. They have the right to whip your hiney when you get out of line (figuratively). They have the right to set up curfews, and dating policies, and restrict cell phone and internet usage of congregants. They have the right to decide if you attend college, or if you seek professional help for marital or mental health issues.

As a matter of fact, in the bylaws of my old church, they taught that the pastor was the final authority on matters of infidelity – in other words, he decided if and when a divorce could take place. He even chose if and when a marriage could take place, what you could wear, sing and eat at said weddings.

Furthermore, the pastor defined our dress and clothing, what was/was not acceptable, our hairstyles, if we could have facial hair, when women had to wear nylons, and what style of underwear our daughters could wear at certain ages.

Spiritual abuse can take on many other forms, such as requiring work from church members while using guilt to enforce obedience. It can also be exhibited in the grossest forms, where spiritual leaders demand sexual relations with congregants and use their position and authority to demand silence and to instill fear.

What we know for sure, is that this is not the Kingdom or Church of Christ!

Jesus did not come to create a church in which men (and women) would lord over God’s people (1 Peter 5:3) and create rules and standards above and beyond what He already gave us. (Mark 7:7-8)

Rather, understanding and knowing that Christ came to set up a church in which humanity was inspirited to live for Him due to his love and mercy!

The adulteress of John 8 is a beautiful example of Christ combating legalism and spiritual abuse. This allows us to fulfill Scripture when we say, show me another human who is without sin, and thus is capable of passing judgment, and I’ll show you a liar. (1 John 1:8)

However, when they persisted in questioning Him, He straightened up and said, “He who is without [any] sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸Then He stooped down again and started writing on the ground. ⁹They listened [to His reply], and they began to go out one by one, starting with the oldest ones, until He was left alone, with the woman [standing there before Him] in the center of the court. ¹⁰Straightening up, Jesus said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” ¹¹She answered, “No one, Lord!” And Jesus said, “I do not condemn you either. Go. From now on sin no more.”] John 8:7-11, AMP

The Results of Spiritual Abuse

The most common result of spiritual abuse is causing a soul to turn away from God. This bruised and scarred spirit will take on the attitude that if that is what God is, they want nothing to do with that God.

Another result is reverse judgmentalism. This person will cast the behavior of a very bad minister upon the face of all other ministers. This is equally devastating as the judgmentalism of cult leaders and followers because it denies the one abused the right they have to recover and to see faith again.

Fear and depression is a major sign and a result of spiritual abuse. One woman recently said that she used to wake up with panic attacks in fear of God cursing her for all the wrongs she had done. When she stopped feeling that panic, she would panic again, now believing that God had given her up and she was eternally damned. Why? She was wearing jewelry, or pants, or cutting her hair.

Marital and family conflict is a very major part of the spiritual abuse and marks the organization as a cult when it demands loved ones to refuse to be part of each other lives based on the premise of believing in the organization’s set of guidelines and ideas.

Self-hate and criticism was my drug. You begin to question your own intelligence, and sanity! Some will say, ‘How could I have been so stupid!‘ or ‘Why would I be so deceived to let someone do that to me?‘ You can even start to believe it was your fault, that the responsibility was yours.

Worst of all, is that the lies of a spiritually abusive leader will be so ingrained, that even after exiting from the system, you’ll constantly wonder, ‘What if they were right, and I’m lost now?’ It can cling to you like the spray of the skunk. No matter what you try, and how many showers you take, that scent is still in your nose, always reminding you of the past.

Recovery from Spiritual Abuse

It will sound strange coming from a faith-based ministry like Divide The Word, but there are some very real and consequential steps to take in your recovery. These are by no means a complete list, and if it comes down to depression, anxiety, and marital struggles, you need to seek professional help.

Also, read the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse! You can find it here very inexpensively, and if you desperately need help buying the book, send me a private message on my contact page and I’ll help.

Surround yourself with both secular and more loving faith-based people.
Often times, secular people can provide understanding without looking at you or your situation through the eyes of religious standards or requirements, and thus, be a very healing antidote to the poison in your heart.
Read, read, read!
Read books like Toxic Faith, Spiritual Abuse, visit websites like spiritualabuse.org and find local and even internet communities that are for the purpose of recovering from spiritual abuse. I will say this boldly, and clearly: Anyone who scoffs at the idea that spiritual abuse is real, and tells you this is nonsense, is themselves an abuser. You must find support and community. The single most healing aspect of my own recovery was first understanding, as sad as it made me feel, that I was not alone. There were hundreds and thousands out there with the same story. This made me feel like I had a family again, and there you’ll find comfort, understanding, and friendship.
Seek professional psychological help
There are too many pastors and teachers that believe they have your every need, and it is simply just not true. There are some traumas that ingrain themselves into our psyche that requires digging out. Certainly, God is powerful enough and capable, but the real bottleneck is our own mind and heart. Having a professional help us open ourselves up again, to learn to let go of some of the pain and accept the nectar of God’s love, is sometimes the only way back.

Conclusion

Spiritual abuse, like Satan, is alive and real. It’s around the corner probably and in most towns. Denying this keeps it alive. Staying quiet about it keeps it alive. Believing that it is isolated, keeps it alive.

The most important thing we can all do about spiritual abuse is to expose it where it lays. Drag it out into the street for all to see. Put the Scarlet Letter S on it like a badge of shame so that we can keep as many souls from being scarred by it as possible.

We cannot stamp it out, or root it out completely, for God himself said that these men would come in among us. Yet, we can mitigate the results, and when we find someone who was abused, spiritually, we can make our calling and election sure by displaying the real love of Christ to them, in acceptance, in refusing to judge, and most importantly, being there and caring for them in their time of need.

For certainly, someone extracted from spiritual abuse is a spiritual widow or fatherless child until the true Father, and husband, is accepted back into the fragile heart of a human.

Pure and unblemished religion [as it is expressed in outward acts] in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit and look after the fatherless and the widows in their distress, and to keep oneself uncontaminated by the [secular] world. – James 1:27

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Coping with the Cults – Part #2 – Judgmentalism

Since leaving a cult, I have delved into studying, writing, reading, talking and coping with the very real, sometimes hidden, but obvious affects cults and their teachings have on lives. Most certainly the very word ‘cult’ conjures up the worst horrors to hit the news headlines, like Jonestown, or Waco, TX, but the majority of cults are far less obvious and insidiously covert, and right next door.

The most common fear or result we have seen as a result of leaving a cult is the harsh judgmentalism that is felt by those who leave, or ‘change.’ You don’t obey their dress standards anymore. You can feel the whispers, the stares. You can even see it in their children’s eyes.

Part 1 (Please see Part 1 for my definition of a Cult)

In Part 1 we dealt with coping with rejection and separation from all you’ve known and been connected to, in the cult. One of the most glaring and obvious signs of a cult is that they require your entire social circle to revolve around them. Your friends, your family, sometimes your job.

Fellowship with ‘outsiders‘ is forbidden. Friendship with the ‘world’ they say, is enmity with God. This is Scriptural, but their definition of ‘the world,’ is twisted and perverted. To them, that is everyone who doesn’t believe and perform in their predefined mold.

To the JW and Mormon structures, absolute avoidance of non-members is required. To my ex-Oneness Pentecostal cult, you can wave and be nice to the family member that has left the ‘way,’ but you should avoid them as much as possible. To the Scientologist, destroying the reputation and value of those who have left, and hate for them is nearly required.

What is Judgmentalism?

So the end result of this mentality is judgmentalism. Judgmentalism exists by believing that there is a superior, or only way, believing that you alone have that only way and thus have found perfection. Anyone who rejects your way, or doesn’t line up is sub-par. They are rejected by God due to these performance standards, and thus, can/should be rejected by you.

For instance, the holiness standards of the United Pentecostal Church, International hold the following ideas simple ideas:

Women cannot wear pants or they violate ‘Wear not that which pertaineth unto a man.’ (Deut 22:5)
Men cannot have long hair, and women cannot cut their hair (short) to any degree. (1 Corinthians 11:14-15)

My particular church held the additional standards:

Watching Television/Movies is sinful (Psalm 101:3)
Wearing short sleeve shirts or shorts (men) is sinful (no Scripture for this)
Men are not to have facial hair (no Scripture for this)
Women need to wear pantyhose when in public or at church events
etc

Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: – Hebrews 12:14, KJV

They have defined all these things as ‘Holiness,’ and then use Hebrews 12:14 (wrongly) to enforce the idea. Why am I saying this?

Because with this mentality, you can now judge those who do not follow this lifestyle choice. For instance, I know a woman who is still in this church standard, and she saw another woman on the side of the road who had left the ‘way,’ in pants. This woman said, ‘Well look, you can see she obviously isn’t going to make it…she is in pants after all.’

A judgment about her status was based on her outward appearance, which, in this case, alluded to her spiritual well-being, as in, she (the women wearing pants) was lost.

Another example of spiteful judgmentalism is how they ignore those who have left their circles. For instance, the bishop of the church I once attended pulled up in a truck to a driveway I stood in with another local businessman, ignored me completely, and refused to acknowledge my wave and greeting. He spoke to the other businessman, then drove away without looking at me.

Recently, the pastor of the church sent a Christmas card to my home and wrote the label to specifically exclude me from their holiday wishes. They could have labeled the envelope, ‘Brickley Family,’ but instead they singled out my wife and daughter.

They and their followers will say, ‘You are the one who chose to leave.’ Yet, I’m not sure how you can justify dropping respect and decency for another person simply because they disagree with you, and/or choose not to attend weekly services at your building.

Another young man decided to leave the church and this same pastor told him spitefully, ‘We will compare how our kids turn out in 30 years to decide who is right and who is wrong.’

This is why judgmentalism is a stumbling block. It can never bear good fruit. Jesus rightly said, ‘Ye shall know them by their fruits,’ and the pastor used the Word spitefully and incorrectly. Judgmentalism overrides common sense, decency, and wisdom. It is not a fruit of God’s Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23, KJV

How to cope with Judgmentalism

1. Realize only God can judge you!

First, and foremost, come to grips with the reality that God is the only one capable and worthy to judge you, and when it came right down to it, He doesn’t do so superficially. If other flawed humans are judging you, they do it at their own peril and in our their own ignorance, violating Scripture commandments not to judge.

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8

Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way. – Romans 14:13

The cult will demand perfection for admittance, or to maintain your membership, which is truly a stumbling block to faith! God simply demands you strive not to sin, knowing of course that you will again. Consider again the adulteress of John 8, an illustration I’ve used many times.

When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. – John 8:10-11, KJV

We can also take comfort that while God definitely has an opinion about our outward appearance (dress) he is most concerned with the condition of the heart.

But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. – 1 Samuel 16:7

2. Surround yourself with non-judgmental people

Human nature tends to be judgmental, so we are going to face this issue throughout our life. Yet, when Coping with the Cults, your primary step towards healing is to get connected with ‘outsiders.’ And this will feel unnatural at first! You’ve been taught for years, perhaps your entire life, that this is absolutely wrong, to connect with people outside of the ‘way.’

More pointedly, find both religious and non-religious people that you can speak to, maybe even family that you had before the cult that would listen to your pains and understand them.

Look, when entering a cult, you cut off the entire world outside the cult. When exiting a cult, they cut you off from them. You are like an infant again in a world of strangers and now, it feels like limbo. Who do you have to turn to now? You must find them!

There are great Facebook groups like SpiritualAbuse.org and their website. These places will connect you to hundreds, thousands of people with similar stories and experiences that can listen, understand and help.

3. Do not become bitter and offer the same treatment in return

Lashing back at them is hard to avoid but is ever so important to avoid it. However, do not confuse exposing the hurt and the behavior of these groups as just being bitter. I expose them all the time, and they accuse me of being bitter.

But in my exposure of these cults, I have had many people come and say, ‘Thank you for sharing this! I was going through this and felt alone and didn’t know where to turn!’

You can be an instrument for a change! Those people who judge you are watching and waiting for your reaction. It may just be that in healing, you cause them to see you didn’t turn into the demon the cult said you would.

I have an in-law that calls me names because now I wear facial hair, which he is not allowed to have. I could in turn label and judge him, but my impact on him would diminish and it would just be a spitting match.

My son watched my words and behavior after I left the cult and had to start admitting, dad might be right… If I had become vile and bitter, he would have believed the worst of me, and been justified to think I had ‘gone astray.’

Conclusion

Coping with the Cults will not be easy, whatever brand, label or type it is. The judgmentalism runs deep in the roots of these organizations. Gossiping is generally the most visible sign of their spirit, both in organizations and in people.

When my sister left our church, years ago, people talked about her all the time. My dear mother, God rest her soul, would ask me at times, “Why do they have to be so mean to her?” They were the church leaders.

The answer is because they must. To be part of the gang you act like the gang. To be accepted into a social circle, you must morph with them. To be considered one of us, you need to act like us.

If you realize this and pray for them, silently forgive them, and count it an opportunity to show them a more real truth, a more real God, and a more real faith, you can endure and spring forth fruits from the judgmentalism.

More importantly, you can slowly etch away at the scars within yourself. Someone who has been deeply ingrained in a cult like society must battle out the judgmentalism they carry in their hearts. There are moments that you’ll look at other people and make decisions based on their appearance. Perhaps even looking back at those you escaped from and judge them.

Battle it out, pray it out, and be thankful you got out!

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Not Everyone Who Is Friendly Is Your Friend

I woke up this morning with some sadness weighing on my heart, and heavy thoughts in my mind.

Mind if I talk about it?

Yesterday, someone I hadn’t talked to for quite a while came to mind. I asked my wife if she had heard from him lately, and she said no; with that, I made a note to check in with him later that night. I wanted to send him a late “Merry Christmas” and a “Happy New Year” on Facebook. I also wanted to see how he was doing, his church, family, etc… Late last night, I got on Facebook to check in, and after I searched his name, was taken aback by what I discovered.

He unfriended me.

I was shocked. I asked my wife to look him up in her Facebook account, and she’d also been unfriended. We’d also been removed from the private group that he ran.

Actions like this (refusing to contact an individual and work it out) can be a trigger for me. In the past, I talked to him about all of those “friends” who turned their backs on me when I left the United Pentecostal Church (UPCI). I’m surprised that he would do the exact same thing he criticized them for doing.

I was a minister in the UPCI, and leaving that organization was a horrible experience. One of the biggest obstacles was how so many friends and family I knew and loved just easily and quickly turned their backs on me. Unless you experience something like this, it’s difficult to understand.

Here is a question: how do people just all of sudden decide they don’t want to talk to you anymore, or want to be in your presence, and don’t want you in their lives? (Especially ministers that you’ve opened up to.)

When those UPCI people left, he was there. He talked to me, and helped me out. He gave me some good advice that actually HELPED me understand and get through that dark period of life. I’ll never forget these statements he gave me, and as a matter of fact, I have repeated them often while trying to help others.

“Not everyone who fights in the trenches with you is your friend.”

“There is a difference between being friendly, and being friends.”

The sad reality is that while I strive to be a friend, a lot of people only strive to be friendly. I learned the hard way how those are two very different things.

I know firsthand how difficult it is being a minister. Few will admit it, but ministers live wearing more masks than many of the people hearing their preaching. One mask is trying to please God, another is trying to please our friends, then family, the church, critics, the lost, etc… A minister is trying to balance all of that on a tight rope that really doesn’t exist. In fact, there are days were it would seem like walking on water would be a lot easier than trying to have a balanced relationship with everyone!

While many believers live trying to balance it all, often they fail. It happens to us all. At times, it all just becomes so very convoluted. When that happens, we often just start pushing people away.

You don’t have to push away the people who love, respect, cherish, listen, challenge, debate, and disagree with you. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. I tell myself this every day.

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Grief and memories

I’ve been reading a book on grieving, No One Cries the Wrong Way. The author lists several ways to grieve, and it occurred to me that none of the ones listed works for those who grieve a loss like ours, because we are grieving a loss of a way of life and friends who are still alive but in many cases no longer speak to us, or at least don’t consider us friends.

We miss these people. We miss the church and aspects of the culture we left behind. We may miss parts of the routine, certain activities, and interactions with others who understand the group’s internal language and perspectives. At the same time, we may be angry at them and resistant to them because they’ve shunned us and failed us.

One of the things the book mentions that we can do is remember the good as well as the bad. We may not be able to share the good memories with our new friends, but we have the opportunity in support groups like this to share those memories with each other.

There’s nothing wrong with missing things about the unhealthy groups we left. There were good and bad aspects, and while we don’t want to go back, we can still miss the good things or the things that made us happy while we were there.

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