Category: United Pentecostal Church | Page 22

Two 1980s United Pentecostal Sexual Abuse Cases In Texas

My first blog on Colorado sexual abuse cases prompted an email from another survivor of sexual abuse, with the assaults having both occurred in Texas. One of the two cases is yet another instance where a man is currently licensed by the United Pentecostal Church. As with Debbie McNulty’s Wisconsin case, these happened in the 1980s. This is Part 19 of an ongoing series. (Statements in this article are what have been alleged by a survivor. There have been no convictions as the cases mentioned here were not reported to the police and to my knowledge, the alleged perpetrators have not admitted guilt.)

Between the two sets of asterisks below is what one woman remembers from two separate cases of sexual abuse during her time in the United Pentecostal Church. She was a minor, with one happening while she was a student at a UPCI church operated school that was founded by a now deceased UPCI minister. At the church school, students from grades 1 through 12 worked separately in small spaces on self-instructive material and would wave a small American flag when they had a question. To use the rest room, students would wave a white flag with a blue cross in the corner. The children wore red, white and blue uniforms, with the girls wearing plaid skirts, white blouses and blue vests and the boys wearing red shirts, blue pants and a tie. There were no real teachers, only monitors called supervisors. Accelerated Christian Education (ACE) material was the standard and it was considered a “model parochial school” by some. The school was mentioned in old articles by Newsweek and Time magazines.

Going by the description below, adults either knew or suspected wrongdoing by the supervisor/monitor mentioned, but it is unknown if the pastor was ever made aware of what happened. No one at the school ever spoke to or questioned the survivor about it. This man married a woman who had attended the Academy and his parents were members of the church that operated the school. He has three adult daughters, with the first being born after the alleged assaults. It would have been less than a year, to no more than two years, after he was married that the alleged assaults took place. The survivor was eight or nine years old when the abuse started, with the perpetrator being in his mid twenties. It appears he remained with the church after this happened.

After reading her account, I followed up with some questions and the answers are incorporated into what she wrote below. Additional research I did on the pastor she alleges that assaulted her will follow her story.

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The article struck home with me as I was a victim of abuse by a teacher of a United Pentecostal private school that was an extension of a UPCI church. The school is no longer in existence and was named Irvington Christian Academy. I was also a victim of sexual, mental and verbal abuse of a UPC minister of a UPCI church named Pentecostal Lighthouse Church.

First, let me say that I was of elementary age in the 80’s when these events took place. The teacher would sneak me out, luring me with gum into his vehicle. He would show me pornography and sexually assault me. The only thing that saved me was a parent who saw him trying to put me in his vehicle and stopped him. I never saw him again after that day. The terrifying part was the female teacher I was left with mistreated me as though I had done something wrong. I was a child and did not understand that what had happened was wrong. Both people were members of the church associated with this school and could very well be there still. His dismissal was his only punishment and my suffering lasted for years. He started sexually abusing me when I was about 8 or 9 years old. The time frame seemed like forever, so I cannot tell how long it was. There was no explanation that I know of as to his dismissal. The only thing that I knew was that the woman who took his place DID NOT like me. She treated me as though I was something awful. These are the impressions of a little girl. I knew she hated me, but at the time could not figure out why.

This happened in the 80’s as well – I was about 13 or 14 yrs old. I was a victim of sexual, mental and verbal abuse of a UPC minister of a now closed UPCI sanctioned church named Pentecostal Lighthouse Church. This minister had been part of the church that hosted the Academy. He ministered over the Spanish speaking church. Afterward he broke away and created the Pentecostal Lighthouse Church.

No one spoke of it or did anything regarding this. My family claimed they knew nothing of the actions of the minister even when more victims were discovered. The UPC minister had a hold over the congregation that was so strong that they, including my family, were blinded by what was happening. I would later describe it as cult like behavior. He abused many of us even though he was married. The details are horrifying as I would later find out. The elders kept it under wraps and the church was closed. He was not punished for any of this. As a matter of fact, he is still with the UPCI in another city in the US as a UPCI minister. I met other victims years later that would like him to answer for what he did to all of us. However, the shame keeps most silent not wanting to raise old demons. I myself suffered depression and much more. So, I understand the hardships of life after these types of abuses. At the time other victims contacted me, I was afraid and not ready to open that door. I know first hand there were two other girls involved and one married woman that got pregnant. This is from a credible source close to me. This woman had an abortion and then a divorce.

That pastor started sexually abusing me in my mid teens. He did rape me – he sodomized me. I did not tell anyone at the church as I was too afraid. I do not know how the elders found out or when the church closed. When I was 16 years old, I went to live with my father and that was the last time I saw the pastor. The odd part was my family made me go and tell him I was leaving. I could not understand why until I realized it was a cult mindset analyzing this later in life. It was claimed that the pastor left for another state with a girl that was a close friend of his wife. I can attest that they were close friends and she spent a lot of time at their home. Whether she went with him or not I cannot vouch for that. I did see this girl years later and she would not speak to me.

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The minister in question does not appear in the 1975-76 edition of the United Pentecostal Church Directory. The next edition I have is from 1981, where he appears holding a local license and does not show him being a pastor. The next is 1986 where he is seen as ordained and the Pentecostal Lighthouse Church is listed. It has been shared this was a medium size church. It was non-affiliated (meaning he didn’t take the extra optional step of legally affiliating with the org). The same is seen in the 1987 and 1988 editions. I do not have 1989. By the 1990 edition, he and the church were no longer listed. That would be more reflective of no longer holding license in 1989. (The directories were issued in January of each year and compiled in the fall of the prior year.) So without having all the directories from this time period, he could have no longer held license anywhere from 1987 to 1989.

Disappearing from the directories for more than a decade, he next appears in 2005 as an ordained minister in a different state in the south. This means that his license was reinstated in 2004. There was no church listed with him being a pastor and this holds true through the 2017 edition. In 2018 he shows as pastor of a church and the address is the same as an already established UPCI church. My thought is that perhaps he helped this other pastor in the years prior. In 2018 it wasn’t shown as affiliated, but the 2019 UPCI Directory lists it as such, which means he took the extra step to become legally affiliated. This church filed for non-profit status in 2017. According to the United Pentecostal Church, he resigned his license back in the 1980s and “he spent many years in renewing his life in ministry” before being re-licensed in this southern state. According to the UPCI rules on licensing, he never should have been reinstated because if these allegations are true, he disqualified himself in the 1980s.

Article VII, Section 9 Immoral Conduct states, “1. For the purpose of ministerial membership in the United Pentecostal Church International or for ministering in a United Pentecostal Church International church, immoral conduct shall be defined as adultery, fornication, homosexuality, incest, and/or any other sexual acts determined by the District Board to be perverted or immoral (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9; I Corinthians 6:9; Romans 1:24-28). 2. Any minister affiliated with our organization proven guilty of adultery or fornication, or committing any other immoral offense, shall forfeit his or her papers immediately. Immoral offense shall include sexual molestation of minors. 3. In the event a minister confesses in writing to immoral conduct and surrenders his or her fellowship card, no trial shall be granted. In either case, such minister shall never be qualified for reinstatement into the ministry of the United Pentecostal Church International.”

He is not listed as holding any District positions in either state where he has held license. He would have been in his mid 30s at the time of the alleged assaults.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

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Logical Fallacies

I have difficulty attending many churches. I have trouble in some because of the songs, in many because of the exclusivity, but mainly because of the sermon style. If I go to a church and a leaflet is shoved into my hands, some fill in the blank, follow-along-with-the-pastor handout, I internally groan. Not only are the sermon outlines usually complete fluff:
(Fill in the blank)
Jesus loves ___.
Jesus ___ me.
Jesus wants what’s ___ for me.

Yeah, really. Wow, it’s mind numbing, what can be found on those handouts. I know they’re supposed to be helpful, but they irritate me. I only started realizing why today.

I’ve been confronted with too many logical fallacies in the form of study guides through the years. No room for questions. No room for alternative answers. No time to think. Just false statements and leading questions that make it appear that one of the answers to their multiple choice question must be right, or a fill in the blank that doesn’t feel quite right, but that they give you (force feed you) the answers to as you go through it with them. Not something you can study and fill in on your own, but that you go through, at their pace, together. During their monologue that reinforces how correct they are. They may pose a list of false answers. One of the answers is less false, and they demand that you respond affirmatively to one of them. This is psychological manipulation. It confuses the one who’s supposed to be answering the questions. None of the answers is true, but they say one is, and unless you’re good knowing your own mind and insisting none is correct, you end up confirming their lies… which, once you’ve answered them long enough, leads you to start to believe them. I was always a good student, one who always had the right answers. It’s hard for me to fight the force of their logical fallacies. Especially when they give me a quiz or a fill in the blank or a multiple choice that must be completed:
“Which of the above [our unbiblical assumptions, not facts] is most important? Which is next most important?”
“Which of these (all false statements) is true?”

From the very beginning of my time in the United Pentecostal Church, logical fallacies were used. The pastor gave me an Into His Marvelous Light Bible study, where a few verses were pulled out and used, fill in the blank style. Then he asked questions (directed by the study) which, if answered as people are pressured to answer and according to the 40 verses or so they pull out of context to prove their point. (Forty verses may sound like a lot, but there are over 23,000 verses in the Bible. Forty is less than 0.1%!!!)

Look at the teacher’s instructions:
“Each participating student should have a copy of the study along with a Bible (preferably the King James Version) and a pen or pencil. As each scripture is read, the student is asked to become involved, sometimes by completing a “fill-in-the-blank” or responding to a question. Additional comments and supplementary scripture references (designated throughout the text by small numerals in parenthesis) are provided on page 14 for further in-depth study at a later time. May we also suggest that all participants take a moment to ask the Lord’s help in understanding his Word, as King David once did when he prayed, “Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of thy law.” May God bless you as we travel together “into His marvelous light.”

So they have each person look at their own Bible, because they will later say, “But it’s right there in your own Bible!” if you disagree with something. And they use fill in the blanks for each of the verses so you have to fill in something that “proves” their point. And then they ask “logical fallacy” questions. All after having you pray that God will show you something new, reinforcing again that what they are about to share with you is special and is true.

In this particular Bible study, this becomes the logical fallacy:
We have found that the Apostles preached the following salvation message: … The life of Christ and His death, burial and resurrection … Repentance toward God and belief in Jesus Christ as Savior … Baptism in water by immersion in Jesus’ Name … Receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost (which was accompanied by the initial evidence of speaking with other tongues.)

For starters “we” haven’t “found” anything. Someone has just told the listener that this is what they believe. It’s not a “we” thing. And then:

DO YOU BELIEVE the Word of God is true and will judge us?
DO YOU BELIEVE Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior?
DO YOU BELIEVE it is necessary to repent by determining to turn from sin and giving your life to God?
DO YOU BELIEVE water baptism in the name of Jesus Christ is the biblical way to be baptized?
DO YOU BELIEVE the baptism of the Holy Ghost is for you today, and when you receive it you will speak in other tongues, just as they did in the Bible?

Many Christians can easily answer yes to the first three. And if you answer yes to the first three, your brain wants to answer yes to the other two. The sequence makes sense, but the questions may not.
DO YOU BELIEVE water baptism in the name of Jesus Christ is the biblical way to be baptized? Well, maybe and maybe not. I told the pastor I’d have to think about this one. He looked surprised and sad. He moved on to the next.
DO YOU BELIEVE the baptism of the Holy Ghost is for you today, and when you receive it you will speak in other tongues, just as they did in the Bible? Now, the study revolves around this. And the Holy Spirit is for all believers, according to the Bible. So… yes? But there is more to the question, and not every believer is in agreement on the answer.

My answer to the last question ended up being “Not today!” I had been sucked far enough in to know they’d pray with me, that things would be expected of me that I wasn’t sure where I stood on. But the question is really another part of the psychological manipulation, of the logical fallacy. In order to answer affirmatively to the first part, you must answer yes to the second part as well. If you don’t, they’ll review with you. … at least unless your response is “Not today!” They might just have to leave you off the hook in that case, for a little while at least, until they regain their composure.

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The Remnant Church Fallacy

Growing up in the Christian Church — Non Denominational, which is closely associated with the Disciples of Christ and Churches of Christ – Instrumental and Noninstrumental, I was taught that God has always had a “remnant,” that throughout the centuries there has always been at least a small group of people who were true believers, who believed exactly right. Others might have parts of the Truth, but they didn’t know everything.

In that church it wasn’t taught that anyone who didn’t believe what my church taught would be lost, just that we had to be careful what we believed with all of the teachings out there… and that our church was the one that could trace back through the centuries, whose beliefs had always been miraculously protected because there’d always been a remnant. It wasn’t emphasized there, but when I heard it again in the United Pentecostal Church, it made sense. Surely with all the various doctrines, there would be one church that had the WHOLE truth. And the United Pentecostal Church claimed to have just that. They even have a book about this called After the Way Called Heresy, and also claim that people who’ve upheld “the one true faith” have been martyred through the centuries but God always maintained his Church (meaning of course in their perspective Oneness Pentecostals). I treasured that book. I even did an independent study course in my secular college based on one of the martyrs listed in it.

Recently I’ve learned that Nondenominational Christian and United Pentecostal churches were not the only ones who make those claims. Independent Fundamental Baptist groups have similar claims, though using completely different groups throughout history to make their remnant claims. Of course, the Catholic Church does as well, though somewhat differently, claiming to have Peter, who received the keys to the kingdom, as their first pope, and believing that each pope since has been the head of the true church.

And so I googled. Seventh Day Adventists and Latter Day Saints both have their own remnant teachings. There are other groups that teach this as well. There are entire websites that talk about how only those in a “remnant church” will be saved, and then itemizing their own ideas of what the teachings of that “remnant” will consist of. Interestingly, the lists generally include lots of rules. What do none that I read through include? Surprisingly, faith in Jesus!

In both Revelation and Romans there are a few verses that mention a remnant of believers. But which believers? Are God’s people limited to a few buildings or a denomination, or is a remnant those who believe, no matter where they are or where they go? The passages in Romans and Revelations relate to the Israelite concept of remnants — in Romans 11, the surrounding text is about the 7000 that hadn’t “bowed their knee to Baal” in the story of Elijah. These were not 7000 that attended the same church. There is no mention of church at all. They were believers – believers Elijah didn’t even know about, apparently. It stands to reason that the remnant mentioned in the New Testament isn’t about a denomination, then, but about believers. Not people who believe in speaking in tongues or a certain mode of baptism or a certain Bible translation, but who believe in Jesus.

So yes, there will be a remnant. That remnant will not be found in a building or denomination. We do not need to hunt for a church that is part of the remnant. And we do not need to fear not being a part of it. Jesus’ followers are the remnant, no matter who or where they are.

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When Suicide is Selfless (Part 2): A Mother’s Love

Sliding down the beige-colored drywall, slumped down on the soft carpet beneath, a woman weeps bitterly for her life long-gone, faced with the insurmountable complexities and intricacies of motherhood for the first time. Months have passed since the traumatic birth of her son, but she still finds herself searching for the solace of the quiet dining room floor in the dead of night, tears flowing, skin crawling, wondering how to make it through another day. During her extended hospital stay, she discovered the continual flashbacks were a symptom of postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder (P-PTSD), but it provided little comfort to the new mother as she struggled to breastfeed her jaundiced baby who fell asleep immediately after latching on. As she contemplated her decisions during birth, she concluded that her inability to birth her child without intervention led to the newborn’s difficulty in feeding, jaundice, and weight gain. Pediatricians ignorant to the struggles of breastfeeding only amplified the confusion and stress as they continued to push for supplementation and pumping to determine production rate. To the new mother, formula signified that her body failed her once again in what should have been one of the most natural forms of nourishment and care.

Diaper change. Nurse. Diaper leak. Diaper change. Nurse. Baby falls asleep. Lays baby down. Startle reflex. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Baby falls asleep. Lays baby down in the bassinet and baby lies still. She collapses on the bed where her husband sleeps peacefully, his body regaining necessary strength for another day of demanding work. She closes her eyes in hopes of a mere thirty minutes to rest her weary mind, but is he breathing? Will she wake up to find the cold, lifeless body of the one she carried and agonized over for nine months as countless mothers before her? Will God take her baby too? It is not that she is avoiding trying to get her spiritual walk back where it used to be. She managed just enough time this morning to pull her black leather Bible off the shelf. Peeling back the old familiar pages, yellowed from her morning devotions in Bible college, she longed for the peace she experienced those mornings, huddled alone in the brisk stairwell studying before class, pouring her heart and soul to hide God’s Word in her heart. Those words carried her through the days, through the complications of social life and drama, the intensities of college papers and final exams, coupled with the extenuating circumstances of her mentors back home.

Her chest tightened this morning against the air she had left, forcing the darkening pit yet deeper into her stomach as she stared at the black ink, smudged from often tears. Forcing herself to begin, she turned the dried pages to the book of Proverbs, a hidden plethora of crippling landmines yet a well-acquainted guide. She quickly found her mind racing back to her bed at her parent’s home. Peering out the window of the bedroom that day, phone in hand, tears streaming down her face, she wondered when her mentor, Brother Thomas, would forgive her of her most recent transgression. When would his wife, Mrs. Julie, see that she was not trying to mess up again? When would she be allowed to go back to her old church family, rather than searching for one over an hour away? Her body froze, tense with the blanket of emotions she experienced that week, reliving them again and again until her baby let out a shriek, waking up from a few moments of slumber. She failed in completing her Bible reading but would have to try again another day. Instantly, a chill shutters through her tired body, bringing her back to the present. The baby! Is he still okay? She sits up and listens for his breath, but all she hears is the hum of her husband’s CPAP. She leans closer to the bassinet listening ever more intently, hoping just for the soft whisper of the air. Maybe she could simply touch the top of his chest and feel his lungs as they rise and fall, if they were even still moving. The young child stirs just slightly, appearing to fall back sleep, only to whimper and then scream for milk.

Diaper change. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Lays the baby down. Startle reflex. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Lays the baby down. Baby starts to cry. Diaper change. Nurse. Baby finally falls asleep again. The mom kisses him good-bye and lays back down, hoping and praying that her baby makes it through the night. She hears footsteps in the distance, a creak in the floor boards. Slowly, she climbs out of bed, intensely watching the hallway light under the door for movement. She lays down at the base of the locked bedroom door. Waiting. Watching. Listening. Heart pounding. Mind racing. Surely, God would not allow someone to break in and take away the most precious things in her life again. Oh, the irony that would be. Everything precious to her goes away. It never lasts. She stays there frozen for what seems like hours until she finally builds up the courage to check the house for the third time that night. Coming back into the room, locking the door, she sits on the bed near the bassinet. Is he breathing? Again, sitting there staring, listening, watching for any sign of life. Laying back down again, the baby’s stomach shoots up acid, burning his little throat, sending him sputtering and coughing, almost drowning on his own fluids. She races to the side of the bassinet and picks him up, frantically patting his back and waiting for him to scream with full intakes of air. She sits in the all-too familiar ottoman to nurse, the cushion worn with use. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Lays baby down to sleep. But will he make it through the night?

Needing out of the small room and hoping not to wake her husband or baby, the mother finds her place on the dining room floor, finally able to allow the out-pouring of tears, pooling in the dark circles under her eyes. Her old mentor’s words still race through her mind, “The only reason you want to get married is to have sex and to have babies.” His words haunt her day by day, over-spiritualizing yet condemning her desire for children. All I want right now is sleep. All I’ve wanted for months is sleep. Why isn’t he gaining weight? Why is my body failing him? The three-month-old still nurses forty-five minutes out of every hour during the day, giving a mere fifteen to twenty-minute break before nursing again. Why can I not figure out what my son needs? His undiagnosed lip-tie and tongue tie wears out the poor baby before he can finish a meal. He falls asleep with only a snack and wakes up shortly after, starving and not gaining weight. A six-month insurance complication further prevents the scrawny baby from receiving a proper evaluation of the ties. Her heart cringes as people coo over the baby, exclaiming how tiny he is. “Look at those little cheeks,” the older women always say. “You better enjoy it. It only gets harder from here.”

Her eye catches the masses of material, thread and snaps for cloth diapers swallowing up the table. At least she is attempting to sew? The Proverbs thirty-one woman “seeketh wool and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands” (Prov 31:13 ). How do other mothers balance caring for multiple children when she is drowning under the expectations of one? Awake at all hours of the night, she nurses in the chair for hours on end. For the first several months, she took to laying down on the couch in the mornings to nurse in hopes of catching up on just a moment of sleep. Those moments turned into broken hours of slumber, but never feeling rested or rejuvenated, always exhausted and trapped in the mundane cycle of nursing and changing diapers. The dishes would overflow onto the countertops as the laundry lounged on the hallway floor for days. “She riseth also while it is yet night” (Prov 31:15). “All her household are clothed with scarlet” (Prov 31:21). Why is it never enough? “Enjoy this time,” they said. “You will miss these days. They grow up so fast.” By the time she would have the strength to force herself off the couch, it would already be afternoon and almost time for her husband to come home. “All you do is sleep all day,” her husband scolded, weary from a long day at work.

Her blood boils within her, recollecting the nights he has fallen asleep on the couch as she nursed the baby for hours on end, her husband snoring loudly and keeping the baby awake. She recently adapted an extensive cleaning program to aide in keeping up on the little apartment, striving to be a “keeper at home” (Titus 2:5), but her mind now becomes fixated on completing minuscule details, even waking up at two in morning to “shine the sink” or “swish and swash the bathroom.” The day before, her husband’s socks mocked her from the bedroom floor while the unorganized silverware in the dishwasher sent her into almost uncontrollable fury. She is clueless that rage is yet another symptom of the postpartum depression that overtakes her day by day.

Her mind shoots back to her sleeping child. Even if he makes it through the night, is he even going to be able to make it through the next few days? We could lose him at any time. His pediatrician is afraid he has whooping cough. His little body has been sick for days, congested, coughing, gasping and lethargic. The new mother and father made the decision not to give him the new pertussis vaccine after three accounts of life-threatening reactions in the family history, including one tragic death. The new a-cellular pertussis vaccine is still the same formula, but simply a lower dose. Despite immense pressure from the pediatrician’s office and health department, the parents give everything except the pertussis vaccine. Now her child might die in her arms. She’s spent hours holding her child, weeping over his frail body, researching about the symptoms and progression of whooping cough, waiting anxiously for the results. If it is pertussis, the treatment is the same medication that can take his life. The test results take two weeks, but the sickness is lethal within ten days.

Oh God, please don’t take my baby away. I’m trying so hard. She knows God answers prayer as she has seen Him answer in the past. Please look past my failures in prayer and see my baby. Even after hours of counsel, the young mother has yet to re-learn how to pray. Under Mrs. Julie, she followed a set pattern, and oh, how she saw God work, first asking God how she should worship him, waiting for the answer, and then praying. Then she would ask how God desired for her to thank Him, then wait and pray. She asked what she needed to confess, how He wanted her to pray for others, and then for herself, always waiting for the answer before praying. She would commonly see up to five directly answered prayers in a day when she depended on and walked ever so close with the Lord. Her heart yearns to be able to pray again, but re-programming from the cultish-mindset prevents her, fear of her past overwhelms her, and the anguish of broken trust in the God she once loved breaks her at the core. He was supposed to protect her.

But how can she pray for her son now, knowing that she hasn’t “kept short lists with God”? Iniquity hides His face from her that He will not hear (Isaiah 59:2). She believes her son could die because she isn’t right with the Lord. “The effectual fervent prayer of a RIGHTEOUS man availeth much” (James 5:16). He is a righteous God of judgment after all. Maybe Mrs. Julie was right. Maybe I wasn’t ready spiritually for marriage, and much less for motherhood. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten married and my husband should have married someone else that can truly care for him, his children, and a home. Her mind wanders and races, remembering the days of her and her husband’s courtship, the days they talked for hours, jesting and exchanging glances. He deserves a virtuous wife who is still faithful to and studies God’s Word diligently and can encourage him to do the same, not someone who panics with reminders of the past. The tears well-up as she remembers her pregnancy, filed with anxiety but with greater joy in anticipation of a baby boy on the way. He deserves a mom who can “train him up in the way he should go” (Prov 22:6). He deserves so much more.

The young new mom leans over, weeping bitterly for her family. They deserve so much more. Lifting her head, her vision blurred and eyes stinging, intrusive thoughts once again race before her as a daily ritual. “There’s a large knife in the kitchen.” What? No. She vigorously shakes her head as if it makes the idea disappear. “There’s a gun in the bedroom.” Where is this coming from? Besides, guns have recoil. It probably would not work. “There are other ways.” No. I’m not going there. “Your family deserves so much more. What will your children become if their own mother cannot read her Bible and pray? What you cannot handle around the house becomes a burden on your husband. It would be better if you stepped out of the way so God can use someone else to help and support them the way they need and deserve.” She leans back over to weep, but suddenly hears the baby from the backroom. He needs milk again in order to fall back asleep. Little does she know that these intrusive thoughts will continue for many more months to come.

Perinatal mood disorders (postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, bipolar disorder, psychosis, etc.) are actual disorders, valid despite the stigma society attempts to place on them. Combine that with the destructive results of spiritual abuse and one is left as a ticking time bomb. When society says “suicide is selfish: it’s all about attention,” they invalidate the emotional heartache and physical pain of the sufferer, only intensifying the anguish. Suicide is often a cry for help because of seemingly insurmountable suffering. For others, the focus is on attempting to end the pain of those close to them, the ones they love and care for. Sometimes, it’s SELFLESS. But depression and suicide lie, speculating the problems end with death, but truly, it’s only exacerbated for those that are left behind. There IS hope, and there IS a way out that does not involve ending a precious life.

If you are contemplating suicide, there is no reason to be ashamed. Nothing good comes out of a life lost. You are truly precious in God’s eyes. Seek out a friend or family member, a general care provider, or call the Suicide Hotline at 1(800) 273-8255. You can also text 741741 and a crisis worker will text you back immediately and continue to text with you. It’s a free service to anyone who lives in the United States and it’s run by the Crisis Text Line. There is a also a Facebook Group called “Suicide Hotline: Crises and Prevention” that attempts to answer questions quickly and is there for help and support. [2024 EDIT: The group is no longer available.] Suicide is not “always selfish,” but it is blind, and fails to show that not only are there are other ways, but that your life is worth living.

When Suicide is Selfless (Part One): Within the Cult

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Constance’s United Pentecostal Church Experience

Below is what one woman experienced being raised in an unhealthy church, how it distorted her view of God causing her to become angry and bitter, and how she has been recovering since leaving. I have added some commentary after it that deals with the standards.

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Here are the facts/reasons why I left the United Pentecostal Church organization when I was 19 years old after being brought up from birth in the same church/organization.

I left as an angry and bitter teenager. I left thinking God (if there was one) was far too unobtainable. He appeared to be angry all the time and was looking for ways to keep me out of heaven. No matter what my parents said to me, it was never enough, it would never heal my broken spirit from all the manipulation and control and mean things that the oppressed members expressed towards me. I hated that they were so devoted to a man that always seemed angry and mad. There were so many things that I could not understand as a young person that I just couldn’t stomach it. I would lay in bed and dream of the day I was old enough to leave.

I hated feeling scared to go to church that he (the pastor) just may call me out because he could read my mind. I felt like I was always being preached at because I am sure he could tell that I was growing cold more and more. I just didn’t care about the people, I thought they were all foolish and weak. They couldn’t make decisions on their own. It was a little church that never grew. One person came in, two were leaving. Most didn’t stay. Only the weak would stay. Asking if you could go on vacation or take a job that would cause you to leave the church for another one was not acceptable. You were always told that it was out of the will of God. Just who did they think they were to tell you what the will of God was or was not for your life? Was it for the money? If your family left that would leave a big gap in the financial stream.

I got so tired of being told on to the pastor by one woman in particular if my hairdo was not holy enough or I curled my eyelashes or… the list goes on.

I so wanted to have a normal life as a child. I wanted to be involved with the outside world but I was so fearful because everything was wrong. I finally came to the resolve that I was just a bad person and that God couldn’t love me and stayed in constant fear that God would come and I was certainly going to Hell. I loved bling and beauty and I hated that I had to look like everyone else and think like everyone else and act like everyone else. I didn’t want to look frumpy, I wanted to have my own personality.

Why can they now do the very things that were forbidden when I was a kid? I remember watching TV at the neighbors (some after school program). I was sent home, scolded and had to pray in my room for an hour to ask God to forgive me. I was so fearful because I was told I would have to tell the pastor. Now they can watch TV, go to movies, go to concerts etc. All the things I wanted to experience was forbidden. What happened? God changed his mind? Did he say, “Pastors, it’s okay as long as everyone pays their tithes and all the other offerings”? Hmmmm not sure about that……

My step son went to a concert and on the way home was in a terrible car accident and the pastor told him that God did it to him because he was rebellious. Really? That same pastor years later had tragedy strike his family and I had always wondered what happened. What was God punishing him for? Oh it wasn’t punishment. I believe now that it rains on the just and the unjust. I don’t feel any ill feelings towards this man, I just feel bad for him that he actually felt this way. (I’m not sure what he feels now because people on his board at the church go to movies, concerts etc.) By the way, my step son is an atheist now.

I never really dealt with the pain that this church caused me. The only way I knew how to deal with it was by being angry. That seemed to help me. It wasn’t until eight years ago that I was in a business meeting for leaders when I heard a speaker that was a Christian teaching us about leadership. I would usually get up and walk out. This time, I couldn’t, it was like I had weights in my behind. I just sat there listening. I totally got what he was saying and something changed in my heart.

You see, when I was little I tried to be a perfect little girl for Jesus. I loved him, I wrote to him in my diary, I wrote songs to him. Then I realized that he was demanding and wanted to see me go to Hell and that is when everything changed. I knew I could never be good enough, I could never please him. I felt when I was created God must have made a mistake. I just couldn’t be like everyone else. I was told that I was rebellious etc. I was so tired of being told that I was bad, not good enough. I think back, I was a pretty good kid that had a little OCD and just wanted to be perfect and excel in everything.

When I got married to my husband we made a vow that we would never go to church except for funerals and weddings. He, too, was a former UPC survivor. We made that vow and all was going great. Then here we were at a weekend event for leaders and we are now listening to this man speak and our hearts actually opened to receive what he had to say. Long story short, we both wound up receiving Christ into our lives in a new, fresh and beautiful way. It changed us on every level. No, we did not do anything like we were taught in the UPC ways and yet God transformed our hearts.

What I have noticed is that even though life is good, there is still residue from my old life in the UPC. I don’t really care what others say or feel about me, but I did care what God felt towards me. I am sorry to say that I had felt that God hated me because I was different from them. I wanted more, I didn’t want to be judgmental, I didn’t want to be like them in any way. When I am with my family I stick out I am sure, but that’s okay. The hard part is, they try so hard to include me but I feel at times that they don’t know what to think. They see I have a walk with God but it’s not anything like what I was taught. I am sure this is confusing to them and that makes my heart sad at times.

What I have learned is this, what matters is what God thinks of me and He is pretty crazy in love with me. Do I have battle scars? Yes. Am I still recovering from a brainwashed life of manipulation and control by man? YES. Will I ever be free from it? YES, not sure if it will be in this life… but I know one thing, I don’t want to be old and bitter so things better change soon because time keeps ticking by…lol. Seriously, not bitter but still dealing with being wounded. My advice, don’t cram it down and pretend it never happened, deal with it and move on.

That’s all for now. My heart tells me that God has something very special for those that have been thrown out for being a rebel, misfit and uncontrollable by religion. Jesus is the same Jesus that walked the earth and He was quite the rebel in the Pharisee’s eyes. He came to give us Life and give it more abundantly. He didn’t come to judge but to love us. If we can only grasp what that truly looks like.

Thank you for listening/reading….

Be Blessed,

Constance

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There are some in the United Pentecostal Church who erroneously believe that the organization now allows the viewing of Hollywood made movies and television programs. This misunderstanding arose when they removed the ban on ministers owning a television set in 2013 and also dropped two position papers (video restrictions and technology) and added a new one on the use of media. I have heard that some ministers almost immediately went and purchased a television set after this change, though some had already been using it for years.

While some individuals and even licensed ministers have taken these changes to mean that things previously prohibited are now permitted, the UPCI has NOT changed their stand against them. The Articles of Faith still state what they have for years: “We wholeheartedly disapprove of our people indulging in any activities which are not conducive to good Christianity and godly living, such as theaters, dances, mixed bathing or swimming, women cutting their hair, make-up, any apparel that immodestly exposes the body, all worldly sports and amusements, and unwholesome radio programs and music. Furthermore, because of the display of all these evils on television, we disapprove of any of our people having television sets in their homes. We admonish all of our people to refrain from any of these practices in the interest of spiritual progress and the soon coming of the Lord for His church.”

In the UPCI Manual, it is made clear what ministers may and may not view when it comes to the use of media. Article VII, Section 7 and 29 states, “The use of all media technology must strictly be limited to educational, religious, inspirational, and family content that is consistent with wholesome Christian principles. No minister shall use television or other media technology for the purpose of viewing worldly, carnal and unwholesome media; endeavouring to maintain a Godly atmosphere and influence in their lives.”

So while some ministers, churches and church members have let down on these standards, the United Pentecostal Church still states that they are against such things.

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