Category: my experience | Page 14 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

I Just Couldn’t

I couldn’t stay once I read it in the bible for myself.
I couldn’t stay any longer when I found out that a lot of what I believed was added into scripture.
I couldn’t stay any longer once my eyes where open to the pride.
I couldn’t stay any longer when the inconsistencies in scripture were too big to ignore any longer.
I couldn’t stay any longer when after 13 years in, I still didn’t know if I was saved or not.
I couldn’t stay any longer when after 13 years I didn’t know who or what was going to save me in the end.
I couldn’t stay any longer when pastor after pastor, preacher after preacher constantly contradicted each other.
I couldn’t stay any longer when I found out other Christians loved Jesus and had a relationship with Him (I was lead to believe both of those where false) yet they didn’t hold to the same soteriology I did.
I couldn’t stay any longer when I found out about grace.
I couldn’t stay any longer and listen to the hatred, depression, fear induced, cliché, non-biblical preaching.

So, what did I do? I left Oneness Pentecostalism. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was the most traumatic experience in my life and it didn’t happen overnight. Did I ‘backslide?’ No, I did the exact opposite. I found Jesus.

To be continued.

Why I Left: Final Part 5

Continued from Part Four.

I appealed in a letter to the senior pastor because I doubted that my email would get to him. It didn’t do much good. He didn’t respond to me directly. Instead he told the other pastors and counselor (3 against one) to invite me to a brief meeting. It was only five minutes and they did most of the talking. Basically the assistant pastor apologized to me for any misunderstanding and all was forgiven. But I still came out of that meeting feeling humiliated and lied to. In fact I went into the sanctuary because the meeting had started and I couldn’t hold my tears back for about ten minutes.

On Mother’s Day the senior pastor didn’t pray for the mothers. He didn’t even ask them to stand to honor or bless them. He knew I am a mother of five. His own mother according to him was an alcoholic. That could be why he didn’t want to honor mothers. Well, they did show a short clip on the screen in honor of Mother’s Day but other than that he spent most of the service nagging or at least that’s what it felt like.

He was preparing for a three-day event of evangelism with his favorite pastors, so he asked people, “Who wanted to pray?” I think the congregation was a little surprised that he dismissed Mother’s Day in order to make it more important to pray for the three-day event. So people weren’t raising their hands at first. Then he started to really nag with his voice raised. Finally a few people started raising their hands. But as he was nagging he was saying, “If anybody doesn’t like my personality because I get angry sometimes there’s the door!” and he motioned to the exit door. I felt that God was prompting me to let that be my last day there. I felt the pastor said that and handled Mother’s Day that way to send a message to me that if I am to stay there that I shouldn’t question or check the character of the pastor against scripture.

I had enough. So I left and never came back. I did email one last time with a proposal that 1. They would put a footer in the bottom of their emails with a policy for emailing. 2. That they would have a sexual harassment seminar. 3. I would get a little bit of compensation money for having to go to therapy. I checked myself into a therapist and they confirmed it wasn’t a healthy church.

You could say I was a little ticked off. Ultimately I followed my convictions the best I knew how. But I did learn I need to use more discretion in the future with somebody of the opposite sex. I need to be more clear, concise and really limit any biblical advice to no more than twice if I don’t get a response. Then leave a church when there is a clear refusal from leadership to check their character or system against God’s standards.

He that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself shame: and he that rebuketh a wicked man getteth himself a blot. Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee.
Proverbs 9:7‭-‬8

Parts One, Two and Three.

Why I Left: Part 4

Continued from Part Three.

This next part is pretty painful and I had trouble remembering the order of the next series of events which was mostly psychological warfare I felt from the pulpit.

When the senior pastor came back from his long recovery from surgeries, during the preaching, it seemed he started covertly addressing me. He said: “Sometimes issues in churches get swept under the rug and later the debris comes out.” Then he made eye contact with me. He went on and I don’t remember his words but he seemed to imply indirectly that it was getting taken care of now. Apparently, he saw something, questioned it, and something was acknowledged by the assistant pastor. Afterwards, I got a more overt message from behind the pulpit that I should say nothing. Now I got another long intense (almost threatening) stare and then he changed the subject. I believe that was the time he was most gentle from the pulpit. I felt somewhat blamed like it’s partly my fault.

It did seem like there was some form of mild discipline that happened to the assistant pastor. Because after that I didn’t see him preach or teach anymore. He also wasn’t making announcements or leading small groups that I know of.

Now, I don’t seem to be able to recollect what triggered the next time the senior pastor seemed to address me again from the pulpit, but my gut said it was a preemptive strike against me due to the pastor’s fear that I was going to spill it. I can only suspect after the discipline he read the email where I confronted his assistant pastor and he didn’t like feeling threatened that his long known right hand clergyman could be exposed in his own church, or he simply had an empathy imbalance for his assistant, or anger at the thought that I could divide the church or something. By the way, that senior pastor on different occasions has shown glimpses of his entitled and abusive nature. So let me backtrack a little bit and explain what was in that email in more detail.

As we know, Mathew 18:15 says:

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

I did that when I emailed him. It was my way of confronting him alone through the email.

You may also recall 1 Timothy 5:19 says:

Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses.

I actually also told him in that email that if it didn’t stop I had 3 semi witnesses.

Two sisters knew I were going through something but they didn’t exactly know what. The third one was the church counselor, and I felt she knew because it looked like she was especially vigilant with him, and she offered me a ride home, I assumed to keep me safe.

So when I emailed him I mentioned her name as a potential witness but, lo and behold, they happened to be friends for 40+ years and working together since the church started. (Note: She later told me this.)

In the email I wrote the names of the two other sisters. So I guess he felt threatened and spun it, throwing me under the bus. Why else couldn’t he simply just reply to me personally and say, I’m sorry, I think you misread me? And why was it necessary for him to bring the counselor into it? I believe this was a manipulative tactic on his part so he could mentally abuse or gaslight me while dodging responsibility. Later, I told that to the counselor and her face contorted for a split second like she found it humorous but then quickly hid it from me. Then she lectured me about the seriousness of accusing a pastor without witnesses.

Going back to the second time the pastor covertly addressed me “allegedly.” And I do say allegedly because I think I had PTSD. This time I was sitting next to a sweet old sister I knew. In the middle of a preaching he mentioned 1 Timothy 5:20 which reads:

Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear. (which applies to elders who are sinning.) Well, what he was saying about that verse was: “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander,” if I recall accurately I believe his eyes went looking for somebody. I wasn’t sitting in my usual place. I was in the back.

He continued: “When somebody in church is sleeping around they should be disciplined from the pulpit.” I had a gut feeling this was a preemptive strike and a threat to lie about me to my face before the congregation in order to make darn sure I wouldn’t say anything.

But again, it was only a gut feeling. I cannot make a strong case he was talking to me but when I wrote him later about it, I got no response from him. I do remember his wife telling me later that I was imagining things.

Also, later that evening was a prayer meeting at church. The pastor was there and I prayed that God would help maintain that all of us would “Study to shew {ourselves} approved unto God, workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15). After the prayer meeting was over the assistant pastor had an impressed look on his face and tried to make eye contact with me but the senior pastor seemed like he was refusing to look at me at all. The next few scheduled prayer meetings didn’t take place, which was really not normal in the two years I had attended. I assume it’s because of me.

Those are all the reasons I believe that day from the pulpit he was trying to scare me. And how would I defend myself in light of that? It’s like getting hit in the stomach and taking awhile to catch your breath. Or it’s like getting hit in the head and then having to wait days to be able to think clearly again. And if I were able to regain my strength, how could I prove his lies wrong before the congregation?

Many of the sheep seem so emotionally and psychologically enmeshed to him and would blindly believe him without question. It reminds me of the phenomenon of Stockholm Syndrome. I also observed general complacent, blindfolded, mouths open waiting to be spoon-fed going on there. Unlike what I had observed in the congregation I was discipled in from a brand new baby Christian where I attended for about twelve years prior, where many seemed like Bereans. It was evident they study at home and where I was spurred on to do likewise.

To be continued.

See Parts One and Two.

Why I Left: Part 3

Continued from Part Two.

As you might imagine I was quite upset with having to wait the whole weekend for some closure. That night I went to bed anxious. I prayed, and did some more self examination. I told my husband for some help thinking and coping. We kind of came to the conclusion that it might have just been my mind playing tricks on me. I tried so hard to see myself as the one at fault because I didn’t want my husband to get overly upset in case I was wrong. I also was conscious of the possibility that this was all just a very strange spiritual attack to cause me to accuse a pastor.

Monday morning came and the counselor’s voice sounded especially comforting and gentle. She told me some of the emails had been forwarded to her for her examination. She asked me a couple questions for clarity and I clarified for her. She then asked me my perspective on the matter. She ultimately wanted to know if I was accusing him of anything. I told her all the reasons why I didn’t feel comfortable accusing him. She was relieved. But I still went back to the issue about my worry about him. Then she told me the the volume of emails made me look like the one who has the problem. I was baffled. We ended the call with her praying for me and then she assured me that she wanted me to stay at church there. And that she loved me.

It almost felt like she was mothering me which felt nice but at the same time I was still in a bit of a fog because she had considered the amount of emails as evidence that I was some sort of initiator of the whole problem. It’s like she wasn’t seeing what was in those emails.

This kept me quiet for awhile just contemplating. Meanwhile, in light of everything, I didn’t see much change in the assistant pastor’s behavior towards me. It’s almost like he still wanted to befriend me. He would keep popping up very frequently and always smiling. I almost felt like his smile was mischievous. One time I saw one of the sisters in front of me looking at him with a shocked expression. He was behind me. I suspect she saw him leering at me. I also felt hair stick up from the back of my neck. I didn’t want to ask her why she had that look on her face. I figured she wouldn’t tell me. I wished she would let somebody know though. I was very aware I had that dreaded label stamped on me. I wanted vindication. But I also wanted it for him too. I hoped to God he wasn’t a weirdo and I so wanted to check myself into mental health therapy.

The senior pastor had been absent a couple months because of a couple surgeries and recovering. But he eventually came back. It then became evident to me the counselor didn’t mention anything to the senior pastor for obvious reasons.

To be continued.

See Part One.

Why I Left: Part 2

Continued from Part One.

Another time I asked what their accountability system was. I got a response: “We have weekly devotionals with the pastoral staff.”

Still another time I asked them why the pastors all seem so standoffish? It didn’t seem Christ-like. I got the response: “We keep fellowship within the ranks.”

But silly me wasn’t content with the answers so I kept probing and often sharing scriptures but I rarely got responses. I think the pastor in charge of reading emails should have told if there was an unspoken rule about answering emails. My personality is just keep probing and asking rhetorical questions, sharing scripture and trying to humbly contend for the faith. So that’s what I did.

Now, I remember wondering if the Holy Spirit was prompting me to email or if it was just my natural zeal. But interestingly, I felt a caution in my spirit when starting emails but thought, it’s the devil trying to intimidate me from contending for the faith, but I also thought it could be God warning me that the devil has put the zeal there and making it appear like God’s prompting.

Anyway, I think emailing somehow either started an inappropriate attraction to me or this assistant pastor decided to subtly turn on the charm to find a way to distract me, test me, or take me off balance and use flattery to find a way to shift blame to make me a troublemaker.

He had started to be friendlier at church but I wasn’t comfortable because he had been standoffish for so long and now I was feeling a bit bombarded with attention from him. He would now always be looking and smiling. I also noticed now he seemed to pop up everywhere more often than before. He would acknowledge me now.

Maybe it was my imagination and maybe it was my vanity playing tricks on me. Maybe it was the devil psyching me out. Maybe he was just trying to be more friendly in a Christ-like way since I brought it to his attention that they all seem snobby. But I was starting to get creeped out because I also felt a horrible sense of anxiety at home before going to church or after coming home from church and this anxiety really brought me to my knees. I started to really probe myself. I wondered if I was the one feeling attracted because of the change or if the flattery just swept me off my feet a bit. But it was creeping me out really bad so at church I felt this repulsion. I felt like God was also protecting me so I just kept praying hard.

One day I confronted him in email because it just needed to stop. He ended up forwarding the email to the female counselor. Strangely, I received a copy of what he was sending her. It read: “I think it will only reinforce what she is imagining.” At first it made no sense, then I thought, it’s as if he talked to her and she told him to answer me to ease my worry, but he chose not to. So then he either accidentally forwarded me a copy or covertly did by making it look like an accident, in order to either hint to me that I was imagining things or simply to try to dodge a potential accusation to the counselor.

So soon after I read that she called my phone earnestly telling me: “Stop emailing because it is inappropriate!” Thinking to myself, what? I answered okay, but can I explain why I emailed? She said no, she was busy that weekend but to call her the following Monday morning.

To be continued.