Category: Oneness Pentecostal | Page 54

Standards, Questions

Before I left, I really started studying some things out and realized that my fears were deliberately instilled and completely unfounded. I’ve questioned things that happened in church and certain doctrines for awhile. Until recently, though, I tried to squelch those questions or reason them out. But the answers are pretty obvious- and not in the Pentecostals’ favor.

I’m actually still more conservative than a lot of liberal Pentecostals, and don’t know quite what to do about that yet. I love my hair, and get lots of compliments on it. I actually went and bought MORE skirts after I left the church- but the church I was in, we couldn’t wear denim on church days or outreach days. That left Mondays and Fridays… and my job limits denim on Mondays. So when I rebelled, I went and bought jean skirts! I have no idea if or when I’ll buy any jeans (LOL I have to buy a larger size jeans than skirts- now that’s a deterrent!) or really cut my hair. (I have trimmed it, but not noticeably.) I don’t agree that those things are biblical issues, but they are just a part of who I am. On the other hand, this summer I fully intend to wear short sleeves, and look forward to showing my elbows.

One thing I realized, that had always held me back before, is that people “in the world” don’t generally recognize people as Pentecostal for the way that they dress. So however I dress is really just my preference, and doesn’t prohibit me from dancing or buying a drink or going to a movie… it was ingrained that everyone would know I was Pentecostal and doing something ‘bad’ would be a bad witness, but no one “in the world” cares what I wear or where I go. Now that’s liberating!

I really figured at first I would just leave the conservative churches and “go liberal.” But I’ve been to some of their churches now. So small, not growing… no single men my age… I want to meet and marry someone, and I get so mad at myself for sacrificing something so normal for a church that then inferred that there was something wrong with me because I hadn’t married or “backslid for a man.” That blew my mind. Fornicators were respected more than me because “at least they were normal.”

Anyway, back to the positive. Since leaving, I’ve been free to be happy, not to second guess every move, not to be afraid that I’d make a mistake… I didn’t have many friends left in Pentecost, and though it is good to reconnect with some I wasn’t allowed to talk to in conservative Pentecost, I don’t ever want to go back. Ever read Plato’s “The Cave“? Lots of symbolism, but a pretty good description of exit to me.

https://web.archive.org/web/20230521142750/http://www.historyguide.org/intellect/allegory.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave

Good News

I’m not sure when or how I got a copy of the Good News Bible. It was not allowed. There was only one approved version of the Bible and don’t you dare listen to those radio preachers. So I never heard the Good News, in fact most of it was bad news. If you don’t stop or start doing you will go to hell.

I was told the gospel was Acts 2:38, those three steps to salvation: repent, be baptized every one of you in Jesus name, and receive the Holy Ghost. You couldn’t say Holy Spirit, that was new-fangled and not in the approved version of the Bible. I can still see in my mind’s eye the huge wall size poster replica of stairs I painted for my Sunday school class depicting the three steps to heaven. Why kids, do these three steps and never make a mistake and you might, if you are “perfect” and never cut your hair, go to heaven. But you’ll never know for sure. God can be awful mean sometimes.

By the late 80’s to early 90’s, I rebelled. After years of crying, praying, and never understanding why I couldn’t be good. I started listening to the radio preachers, who gave me a glimpse into the Good News. Then in 1995, I began reading in earnest my Good News Bible and learned that the gospel is not Acts 2:38 but Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection for me. This gospel or good news is what I had missed all those years. It wasn’t my effort to save myself but His effort on the cross to save me that would get me to heaven.

And now I want to remind you, my friends, of the Good News which I preached to you, which you received, and on which your faith stands firm. That is the gospel, the message that I preached to you. You are saved by the gospel if you hold firmly to it—unless it was for nothing that you believed. I passed on to you what I received, which is of the greatest importance: that Christ died for our sins, as written in the Scriptures; that he was buried and that he was raised to life three days later… I Corinthians 15:1-4

True Worship

When I would go to a pastor for advice or support rather than praying or studying the Bible for myself, or when I would feel that God wanted one thing, but would second guess myself due to something that was preached or something the pastor said, something was definitely out of balance. I put my health and others’ at risk by going to church sick and pushing myself beyond reasonable limits. I bent over backward to make a good appearance, and was afraid to say “no” to any suggestion that was made.

In service, if everyone ran, I ran. If they danced, I danced. If the pastor indicated we should shout, I shouted. But none of that was worship.

Worship is a way of honoring God. If a person is focused on what other people are doing or are expecting you to do, they are honoring other people, not God. Worship is a form of love. It is not a mechanical, directed display, but a focused, heartfelt expression of adoration.

God, I want to be a true worshiper. Let my focus, love, adoration and worship be on You. Not on what others are saying or doing and not on what anyone else expects or demands, and not on what actions I’m performing. Worship is not a science of specific words, moves and actions, but an intimate place where the words, moves, and actions cease to have importance, because all are outweighed by love. Teach me to worship.

The fragility of truth

Someone told me today that he had come to the conclusion that “Orthodoxy is a fragile thing, which can be good. If it’s false, it can be easily dropped, and broken. But if it’s true, it must be constantly maintained.” I wonder if I misheard him. Because if what we believe is false, it can be easily dropped and broken, yes. But that is when it must be constantly maintained. Only the false is fragile. The truth, like fire, should not be so easily snuffed out.

It was an interesting comment and an interesting line of thought. Should the truth need to be constantly maintained? I don’t believe so. Truth will flourish on it’s own. The false, the insufficient will be easily broken or snuffed out, yes. Something closely related to that has been bothering me lately. After nineteen years of believing a certain way and giving my life to it, I find myself wondering what I believe.

I’m not sorry for the positive things that came of my life in Pentecost, but I don’t believe what I did just two months ago. I told someone not long ago that I haven’t left Pentecostalism, I’ve just grown beyond it. That is very true. It was good in it’s place and time, but there are deeper, richer places in God, and I’m ready to explore those.

So was what I believed false, that it could be easily broken? I can’t answer that yet. Is my faith broken or bigger now? I’d have to say bigger. Maybe in answering the second question, I’ve answered the first. So again I come to the thought that I haven’t left Pentecostalism, but I have grown beyond it.

Only what is false must be constantly maintained, in my opinion. Truth will stand on it’s own, and falsehoods won’t tarnish or change it. Truth is strong, but falsehood is weak and easily broken. Systems that encourage people not to look beyond their group’s way of thinking are maintaining something. But truth promotes growth, not maintenance.

The difference between falsehood and truth, to me, are like the difference between a spark and a bonfire. One can be easily snuffed; the other can burn for days without any human effort. So when I’m told if I miss a service that I’m “leaving truth,” when I realize that after 19 years that two months has totally changed my opinion on certain passages in the Bible… I have to wonder what I was maintaining all these years.

God made the mountains. He put the stars into space. He is truth. Truth doesn’t need to be maintained by humanity. Truth extends way beyond humanity. Who ever heard of maintaining a mountain? Or maintaining a star? So why, then, do we think truth must be fought over and maintained through such careful monitoring of every bit of information that passes our eyes? Truth will stand on it’s own. It isn’t fragile, and there is no need to maintain it.

There is no reason to fear that truth will break so easily. It should be treated respectfully, but even when left alone it will persevere. If a person is afraid that “truth” can be easily broken or lost, that is a very good sign that they are only maintaining an ideology, a mindset, or a thought pattern, rather than real truth and faith.

For the joy

Sometimes I feel like dancing…

I don’t know what to write. There is so much going through my mind, and sometimes there aren’t words for what we experience. That’s where I am right now. Sometime, probably soon, several pages will all appear at once on my blog, but for now, I’m just happy and enjoying that happiness.

Several months before I left church, the pastor preached and said that people appear happier for awhile after they leave church, because they have made a decision one way or the other after riding the fence for so long. After being out awhile, I have to say that is probably wrong, at least in some cases. I’m not happy to have left- I still believe much the same things and dress much the same way, and I miss my friends. I haven’t figured out yet how to make connections outside of church, and so I’m lonely sometimes too.

But I’m also just… joyful. I am finally getting the rest that I need, when I need it. Enjoying the peacefulness and quiet of my home. Cleaning house, since that was always the first thing to fall by the wayside when I was overwhelmed. Organizing. And feeling good about myself for doing these things and for not always worrying about what anyone will say or think or do. Just being myself. Its been a nice change.

Do I enjoy being able to do whatever I want? Of course. But what have I done? I ate soup with a man, in broad daylight, without a chaperone. I’ve watched three and a half movies (plus two and a half before I left). YouTube sometimes, a little face powder for a while, trimmed my hair twice just a tiny bit. And missed church.

What have I found? Its fun to meet new people or to share a meal with someone without a chaperone. Movies are generally pretty boring, even if they were once favorites. I could care less about makeup, and like my hair as it is, but don’t think trimming it was a sin. I really enjoy the hymns and quiet worship of many denominational churches, their sermons about God’s love and mercy and grace, and their teachings about how to love each other… and haven’t yet found one that seems to be a good fit for me. But that’s OK.

And in all these things and others, I’ve discovered that it’s OK to relax. God loves us. He isn’t waiting to whack us if we are a little “off.” He won’t strike us the minute we stumble, but like any good parent will gently catch us, set us upright and encourage us to keep walking. It’s nice to be imperfect. And it’s a joy to realize perfection isn’t required. God loves us just the way we are.