Category: Oneness Pentecostal | Page 47

Love Without Fear

This morning I woke up around 4:40 am as usual, because I’m getting older and I have to go use the restroom about that time. After I got back in bed, I dozed off, but the rest of my sleep was rather light and restless. Over and over in my sleep I kept hearing an old verse that I learned years ago, “perfect love casteth out all fear.”

Now, to be honest, I have been in a process of recovery lately. I’m in the stage where I have been detoxing from religion. I have still been talking to God (though irregularly—but, hey, at least I’m still on speaking terms). I haven’t read the Bible in months, and I haven’t been to church since October. I have altogether avoided any religious influence, other than chats with friends, and support groups that help with my recovery process.

So, needless to say, at first I was rather annoyed that this Bible verse kept tormenting me in the early morning hours. Yet it has nagged at my mind all day long as I wondered, what can that verse really mean? On the surface, it sounds comforting and I surely could use some comfort!

Well, this evening I decided to look it up. I got involved in it the way I used to do. My mind is still trying to wrap around the concepts. I will share them with you, knowing that tomorrow I may not read any more. Maybe this was enough for me to chew on for a long while.

My understanding of 1 John 4

^“7Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God.”

The cult taught that “sloppy agape” love was not true Christianity. It taught that one had to follow a three step formula to get saved: Repentance, Baptism in Jesus’ Name, and the “infilling of the Holy Ghost as evidenced by speaking in other tongues.” This verse says that ANYONE who LOVES is a child of God, and KNOWS God. That means that many who we were taught were lost are really God’s children and know Him intimately.

⁸“But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

In the cult, there was a lack of true love. “Love” and acceptance came only with a price tag. You did as the leadership wanted you to do, and you were “loved.” You questioned the rules or the leadership’s decisions at all and you experienced shunning, punishment, hatred and vicious disdain. Yet that very “sloppy agape” that was made fun of from the pulpit—that very thing is what determines a person’s belonging to God, according to these verses! So, here it says plainly that if anyone does not love, he does not even KNOW God! God is love, so if you know God you show love. No love=no God.

^“9God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him.”

God showed us what REAL LOVE is—by sending his only begotten son to sacrifice his life for our sins. THAT is real love—it wasn’t conditional based on our performance or righteousness. If we have real love, it has to be patterned after that—Unconditional.

^“10This is real love; not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.”

The real love is not us loving a God who sacrificed everything for us, because all of us can recognize that he DESERVES our love. Real love is that He sent his Son to be a sacrifice, giving his life, because he saw we were sinners. Sinners—we didn’t deserve anything but death. He gave us what we DIDN’T deserve—that is REAL LOVE!

^“11Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. ¹²No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.”

Since God loved us that much…Unconditionally…when we did not deserve it in the least…when we were unlovable…when we were filthy in his sight; because of that, we ought to surely be able to love one another. There has never been a gap any wider than that between God and the sinful human. If He could breach that gap with His love, then anything is possible!

IF we love each other, God lives in us and loves through us. This indicates that the opposite is also true. Does this mean that if we do NOT love each other that God does NOT live in us? If he cannot show his love through us, because we do not let His love into our lives, does that mean we are not His?

^“13And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. ¹⁴Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵All who declare that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. ¹⁶We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.”

The 13^th verse seems to back up cult teaching that being God’s and His living in us is based upon whether or not we have His Spirit. However, the verses before and after clearly state that ‘God’s love in us is the true proof of belonging to him,’ so, we have to take the verses in context. Because of this, it seems to me that His Spirit being in us or not is not a matter of whether or not we speak in tongues, but whether or not we have and show His love!

It goes on to say that everyone who declares Jesus as the son of God is infilled with God’s Spirit. There is that idea again—the one we were indoctrinated against because it is just too easy. To declare Jesus as the Son of God is not EARNING anything. Humanity cannot seem to grasp the concept of simple faith and getting something as valuable as salvation without effort. Yet, here it is again and again. We have him living in us and we live in him by our declaration that He is God’s Son.

This involves a rudimentary understanding of God’s love—the REAL love of God—the unconditional love. By trusting Jesus to be our Lord and Savior, we have put our trust and faith in that unconditional love. We have given up trying to earn our salvation and we have embraced the idea of His unconditional love that caused him to come and sacrifice His life for filthy sinners, loving us in spite of our condition. To wrap our hearts around that kind of love is a spiritual work of faith that really is quite a bit more challenging to the human mind than the idea of striving to DO in order to receive. Think about it! Isn’t it mind-boggling that the God of the Universe sent his son to die for people who were sinners and were not able to pull themselves out of the filth? He took the place of every sinner in order to show His love and to free us from our sin. He says we simply receive that gift and love Him and others in return.

“God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.¹⁷And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.”

We all know that God is love. It is a basic fact we learned as children. But, here we see that all who live in love really live in God. Think about that for a second. If God is love, then to live in God means to live in love. To have God in your life automatically means you have love in your life.

The more God we have and the more we live in Him, the more perfectly we are able to love others. That completely undoes the life many of us have lived within cults. “Godliness” and “Holiness” cannot mean a list of rules one follows. It cannot then relate to judgmental attitudes and haughty spirits who feel that they are more “godly” than others. In fact, it is completely the opposite! The more “godly” we are, the more we will LOVE others—all others, even those who least deserve it.

“To be like Jesus, to be like Jesus, on earth I long to be like him”…remember hearing it during altar calls where you were guilt tripped into crying and repenting over everything imaginable, including your lack of following the rules?

That is not what being like Jesus means! Living like Jesus here in this world means loving like He loved, showing compassion like he did, mercifully befriending the outcasts. When we live like this, we don’t have to be afraid on the day of judgement. We can come to him with confidence because we lived like him here in this world—overflowing with love towards the unlovable and the lowly.

^“18Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.”

Speaking of the judgment day, when we live in His love and His love is shown through us, we don’t have to be afraid, because this love relationship gets rid of all fear. What a revelation!

Life in a cult is based on fear. Fear, shame, and guilt are running our lives when we are trying to live by the rules and earn our salvation…always trembling lest we somehow fail and fall into the hands of an angry God. No, no, no! That is not what God wants for us!

If we have fear, it is because we think God is just waiting to punish us. That thought pattern shows that we haven’t really had a full experience of his “perfect love.” Wow! Did you get that?

How is it that one like me can spend forty years of life living to the best of my ability to try to please God and thinking that I had to work harder and harder to measure up—only to realize I had no clue who God really is?

When we understand His perfect love, His unconditional love, there is no longer fear. He is going to love me when I am doing well, and he’s going to love me just the same when I’m covered in mud and filth. He is not searching for an opportunity to punish me. He loves me and he wants me to love him and others. There is no fear in that at all!

This is why a chorus I learned after leaving the cult meant so much to me: “I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.”

^“19We love each other because he loved us first.”

How are we able to love each other? Because He loved us first and showed us what love looks like.

^“20If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? “

How many liars have you known down through your years in cult environments? I’ve known a lot. I doubt any of them would admit to actually “hating” anyone…but “actions speak louder than words” is an old adage that holds true in this case as well. Lack of love is the same as hatred.

I grew up in a conservative preacher’s home. I heard the verbal vomit about the “liberal” leadership and neighboring pastors who “don’t believe fat meat is greasy.” I heard preachers who claimed to be holy and godly spout out comments like “he’ll never amount to anything,” “he’s good for nothing,” “I wouldn’t give you a plugged nickel for him,” and “I won’t give him the time of day.” These comments were all in reference to other ministers or saints who were in the same organization with the same doctrine, but disagreed over rules and standards of living.

Where is the love in that? Can you say you love God when you talk about another believer in this fashion? When you can be in the same room with another believer and completely avoid talking to him or her because you can’t stand them, is that love? How can you say you love God and behave in this fashion towards his other children?

^“21And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their fellow believers.”

It is a command…the true and only command to indicate our salvation.

What a lot to take in! It really is all in the concept of love. Remember Jesus saying that all the Ten Commandments could be condensed into loving God and loving others? That really is all it is about. It isn’t difficult to measure up, and it isn’t supposed to be an anxiety trip. It is all in that one little word, LOVE.

Kicked Out

I had the strangest dream-memory last night. The dream was very clear flashbacks of my time in the United Pentecostal Church in the late 90s, before Junction City. Oddly I could remember people’s faces and actions so very clearly. Most of the time I forget faces over time.

I realized during the dream-memory that all of this happened nearly 15 years ago. The children I remember are now grown. One is probably married and another probably engaged.

The dream-memory mainly revolved around the kids. I’ve never been much of a kid person. I prayed as a pre-teen that I would never be able to have kids. I really thought babies hated me. The first babies/toddlers I was ever around much that seemed to like me were the pastor’s kids at this church.

They had a boy and a girl. The boy was around 3-4 when I started attending, and the girl was no more than 18 months, I’d guess, and probably quite a bit younger. With the pastor up preaching and the wife with a nursing baby, there were many times when I would take care of the little boy during church. I’d take little things with me in my purse to entertain him, and later the little girl, too. I’d stay after church and entertain them while their parents counseled sometimes, too.

They were cute kids. It was hard on me when the pastor kicked me out. On top of all the regular reasons, it was hard because I knew my disappearance would hurt them. I’ve never been that close to any other kids, even my niece and nephew, because I saw them so often and spent so much time with them.

In the dream-memory one of the other things I remembered was how the pastor’s wife wanted the little boy to have a suit, but they couldn’t afford one. One of the other members and I found a suit at a yard sale that would fit him. I was hesitant because the pants didn’t have a zipper, just an elastic. But there was a tie and a vest and it was cute. I figured he could wear those with regular pants and look dressed up. We bought the outfit and took it to her. I told her that I knew the pants probably wouldn’t work but she insisted. The boy came to church the next Sunday in the outfit, embarrassed half to death about his pants with the baby elastic in them, and me embarrassed for him. I never saw him wear the vest or tie (or the outfit) again.

I also remembered clearly, once again, the night the pastor and his wife called me into the kitchen area after church where the pastor accused me of lusting after him and told me if I didn’t change, he’d throw me out. That they were leaving to evangelize and when they returned I’d better have changed or I’d be gone. It wasn’t his words I remembered, but that when he stopped accusing me and told me that he’d now pray, the pastor’s wife linked the tips of her fingers with mine. It was like she was shaking as hard as I was, like she was holding on. I always wondered about that. I wondered why she didn’t get in trouble. I wondered why she did it to start with.

For years I blamed myself for getting kicked out. I thought that because he was a ‘man of God’ he must have known something about me that I didn’t know. I fought leaving because he ‘prophesied’ that I would leave and cut my hair and put on pants. He ‘prophesied’ that it would happen immediately, but I still fought leaving just to prove him wrong. And then I felt guilty for doing that, for wanting to make a ‘man of God’ a false prophet. I felt when he kicked me out that I would be sinning to ‘backslide‘ and sinning, as well, not to, because it would be proving him a liar.

I know, that’s messed up. But it’s how I felt at the time.

I just needed to remember, and then to write it down.

Years later, looking back, I realize that she was abused. I remember specific things he’d do, things she said had happened even from the day after their wedding, that should have clued me in that he was abusive. I remember seeing him abuse his kids, especially his daughter. Of slapping her legs again and again while she screamed and he yelled he was going to break ‘that woman spirit’ in her. A child still in diapers. I remember his refusal to stop long enough to let his little boy use the bathroom on road trips, the wife’s admission that she’d made her son pee into diapers because he had to go so bad and her husband wouldn’t stop, the child’s humiliation. I know the little boy wet his bed, probably at least until I left when he was 7-8. And I know there were reasons. I think one of the hardest things about leaving there was leaving those kids, knowing they were being abused but staying silent, afraid to say anything because they might be taken out of that home and ‘the Truth.’ And because we weren’t supposed to say anything. He was the ‘man of God.’

I struggled after leaving, have struggled for years, with prayer. God didn’t answer my prayers- my pleas- that he’d make a way that I could stay. My dream of finally being in the inner circle was shattered, and so was my confidence in prayer and in God in general, in much of what I was taught. I knew in my heart that I’d done pretty much everything I was supposed to, that I sacrificed, that I gave, that I obeyed unquestioningly even to the point of accepting a false accusation that I was lusting after that man. My hope that I would marry, my hope of having kids, recently awakened, all were gone. I doubted whether I could even eat with other believers without making them sin. There was no way I could be anything in any church. Not in my mind, not at that time. And not for a very long time after that.

I woke up this morning whispering a prayer for those kids. The son, now a man, the young girl, now around 18 or 19 probably, and quite possibly soon to be married off to who-knows-what in exchange for a good place for the dad or the brother to preach, and the youngest, born after I left.

Attachment

In a recent turn of events, I was discussing with a professional counselor various aspects of relationships with people who are members of the cult that I grew up in. Specifically, we were discussing relationships with family members who are still involved in the group. Although we had discussed this many times before, he brought up something that really got me to thinking. He mentioned attachment theory, saying that from his perspective, attachment theory had a lot to do with the reason it is so difficult to completely distance oneself from the pain of rejection when one leaves the group.

Being a researcher myself, and involved in mental health issues, I immediately saw what he was saying and started researching attachment theory. Attachment theory basically has the concept that there are several different ways that children attach to and with parents when they are infants and toddlers.

You can Google “attachment theory” and find all kinds of information about that yourself, but the point is that, based on this theory, emotional attachment is a necessity to human well-being. Children who do not develop secure attachment with their parents in infancy and toddler-hood later struggle to learn how to have healthy attachments to friends and romantic partners.

Interestingly enough, the way that a cult works is to prey on unhealthy emotional attachment. This explains why I have very rarely seen an emotionally healthy person stay in the cult in which I was raised. They might come in but they would very rarely stay in this environment. As the unhealthy environment begin to push and pull at them, they would leave, because this environment keeps a person dependent and involves a lot of anxiety.

Having been raised in this environment by parents who were raised in this environment, needless to say, it is clear that I did not have healthy or secure attachment. For me, it was definitely the anxiety type of attachment (not the professional title–used for explanation purposes). People pleasing was ingrained into me from what feels like conception. I don’t ever remember a time in my entire life when pleasing others was not a priority for me, until recently. Pleasing others was a way to gain that intimacy that I craved. I wanted to be loved and accepted, and the only way to get that need met was to work hard to please others.

The cult ideology is based on this concept, when you really stop to think about it. In most cases, you are striving to please the pastor, for without pleasing your pastor, you cannot please God. You work hard to please God, because in many ways you are made to feel that he won’t love you, or at least he cannot accept you, unless you fulfill the demands of a list of behaviors that please him.

This is anxiety inducing, and I would many times hear myself and others in the group praying to God, asking him if we were measuring up, repenting for anything we couldn’t remember having done, and excessively worrying about status with God. I lived in fear that at any moment the rapture might take place and I would be left behind because of some failure that I did not remember to repent of. I always felt that the question “are you ready for the rapture?” couldn’t really be answered. I hoped I was ready for the rapture, but who could know for sure? Sometimes I still struggle with that type of thinking. Does God love me? I was never really sure. He might love me, if I could only measure up!

Learning to think about grace has been a journey. I often revert back to wondering if he loves me, or if he can accept me, with all my faults and failures. In a recent conversation with a close friend, I was telling him that I did not know if I was saved or not, and I did not know any way to know for sure. He began to talk to me about the fact that I believe in God and I talk to God. He pointed out that God’s hand in my life is obvious. God continues to come through for me in miraculous ways in moments when I need it the most. He pointed out to me that, if God didn’t love me, and if I was no longer his child, his hand would not be on my life in this way. It was an interesting conversation, and I now recognize that the insecure attachment with parents and with God, as a result, are involved in anxieties and worries that I have always had. Trying to please others and measure up has been a blight on my life thus far.

I know better than to trust, and I cannot relax blindly in accepting “love” from them. I know all too well that a little financial involvement, with a little emotional involvement soon morphs into trying to control me. I hate that I had to ask for financial help, because I equate that with handing over my control. It had to be done, but the fear is real. This is what caused me to understand this as an attachment issue.

My parents solely used physical discipline when I was growing up. I was, by their own admission, a very compliant child. However, any small infraction incurred a spanking, usually with a switch or a paddle. I lived with anxiety and fear of upsetting them. I rarely committed an intentional infraction. However, the intent of the heart never mattered. An infraction was an infraction, and physical discipline would follow. I am not at all blaming my parents, because they were simply a product of their environment, and they loved me in the only way they knew how. In many ways they were very loving parents, providing for our needs to the maximum, but emotionally the attachment was not completely secure, largely due to their own ideology that God was a judge waiting to discipline every mistake we make as his children.

In the last few years I have begun to attempt to understand grace. Grace is a concept so beyond human understanding that it boggles my mind how God could love us in this way. A God who can not only accept us, but favor us as individuals…it is beyond all reason.

The closest I can ever come to understanding it, at this point in my life, is to look at how I love my children. They have individual differences, and each one has their own strengths and weaknesses. Yet, I would never disown any of them. My love for them is able to accept them fully, even with their flaws. That does not mean that I don’t try to teach them how to overcome weaknesses. It does, however, mean that I offer them empathy and understanding when they fall into familiar patterns. I talk to them and try to help them find ways to grow and mature in those areas, fully understanding that they will never be perfect. I am still very proud of each of them, and I love them passionately. I would do anything to help them any time they are in need. I want them to succeed and thrive. However, as a loving mother, I do not demand perfection from them. I have learned to “not sweat the small things.” I have learned to realize that they have limitations, and that all I need to expect from them is their best. Even when they do not do their best, I still love them and encourage them.

As a parent, I do not focus on the negative aspects, but rather I continuously praise the positive in my children. I believe that God uses this to teach me about grace. God is not a God of anxiety inducing perfectionism. There is no way that I believe God would want his children to go around wrapped in anxiety and fear all the time, because of their fear of failing him.

God wants us to be secure and rest in his love. There is no rest where there is fear. The Bible says that “perfect love cast out all fear.” God’s love is perfect, and as we learn more and more about that, the more secure our attachments with him and others will be. It may not be possible to ever have a secure relationship with my parents. It takes two to have a relationship. However, I believe that as I become more secure in God’s love, I can better recognize attachments that are secure and safe for me. I can then know when to open up to and when to stay closed to different people in order to protect myself.

Dresses, Dresses, Dresses

Do dresses make you holy??? After I was declared to have the Holy Ghost, I did not receive any inspiration from the Holy Ghost to begin wearing dresses. In fact, being a teenager when I arrived at a United Pentecostal church, my wardrobe consisted mainly of jeans, shorts, and mini dresses. It was the spring time of the year when I began going to this church and the following summer, I went on vacation with my family wearing pants, makeup, and bikinis. Funny thing is I don’t remember having any feelings that this was wrong or that I was betraying the Lord in any way.

My main memory of beginning to wear only dresses came from my concern that I could possibly be seen by someone from my church with the wrong clothes on. I also remember my mom, who was not a fan of my new church experience, questioning me “so you’re not going to wear all those clothes anymore?” This new way of dressing had to become my passion because I needed a whole new wardrobe! And hey, dresses were going to make me holy, right?

At first, I was at the mercy of one of the seamstresses in the church who had a penchant for heavy double knits. I considered myself to be somewhat of a fashionista so before long I purchased a sewing machine so I could make my own dresses. This was the early ‘70’s when the only dresses you could buy were short and unacceptable for making me holy. Thankfully, a few years later hem lines dropped and I could buy some of my clothes. Until then, you found me spending hours and hours making new dresses. Dresses are serious business in my UPC church! You must wear your newest and finest for the big Sunday night competition.

All those hours I spent sewing dresses never ever made me holy as the UPC claimed. They did make me different which in UPC world is considered a good thing. They love nothing better than being noticed for their different way of dressing. Once the pastor called me to come forward before the congregation as an example of what he expected the women to dress like. Even then, I knew, as far as my standing with the Lord, dresses meant nothing.

For about seventeen years, I wore only dresses but when I realized I could tell a lie easier than I could put on a pair of pants, something was wrong. There was no holiness in my clothes or any inside of me. I was an empty shell practicing a religion of works similar to those who are compelled to wear a head scarf or holy underwear. None of these things are what God is looking at. He is looking inside of your heart and your motives for doing what you do. All of these outward things people do to make themselves acceptable to God have no value. Man-made commandments and doctrines are only self-imposed religion and will in no way make you holy. In reality, they only serve to make you proud of yourself, your effort, and your appearance. True holiness described in Ephesians 4:24-32 comes from a heart, mind, and will that is controlled by the Holy Spirit living within.

Therefore, if you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why, as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations—“Do not touch, do not taste, and do not handle,” which all concern things which perish with the using— according to the commandments and doctrines of men? These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh. Colossians 2:20-23 NKJV

Communion

I’ll miss having watchnight service tonight… the old fashioned kind with foot washing and communion and worship, praying the old year out and the new year in. Its been around five years since I was in an old fashioned watchnight service. Those held a lot of meaning for me.

Communion, renewing commitments to God, remembering His commitment to us… foot washing, starting the new year out clean and fresh, remembering we’re called to serve… prayer and worship, ending one year and bringing the new one in with praise and prayer. We had some good services through the years. But the last few have felt pushed and contrived.

Communion at the Cross from Christian Challenge on Vimeo.

There hasn’t been foot washing or communion for several years at my former church- ever. My former pastor believes that if you take communion “unworthily,” or with sin in your life or not right with God that you will die or backslide. Not the worst I’ve heard… one pastor actually taught that if there were two people in conflict in the church, serve communion and the one that is wrong will soon leave! I guess, since he believes communion can kill people, he’s decided he doesn’t want to be responsible for serving it. I don’t know. But that understanding of communion is far from Jesus.’

There are several things horribly wrong with using communion as a judgment or condemnation. Mainly, communion is done in memory of Jesus’ sacrifice, mercy, and forgiveness. Nothing about a condemning or judgmental ‘communion’ points to these. God wants to draw us closer to him, not push us away. Communion should bind us together in love and forgiveness and unity, not bring us to look at each other questioningly. No one who gets sick within the weeks and months after communion is taken should be afraid that they did something “wrong” by taking communion. Jesus said “Do this in remembrance of me.” And that is what we should do. Remember Him.