Category: Oneness Pentecostal | Page 27

Legalism is Idolatry – Flee From It

Protestant/Evangelical Christianity was in some ways a response to the legalism of the Roman Catholic church nearly 500 years ago when in 1517 Martin Luther nailed his 95 Thesis to the doors of a church in Germany. More importantly, it came against this notion that particular sacraments (a form of Godliness) brought the forgiveness of sin.

This was a time when men could do horrible things in the name of God and so long as they completed their sacramental, ritual practices, their crimes were dissolved and mattered not. Men could continue killing, raping, controlling and harming others without punishment, both in the eyes of man and God. They idolized legalism and stopped revering the God behind the pages.

Coming out of a severely legalistic church, I have experienced this first hand. There is a vast difference between second chances, grace and forgiveness, and gross negligence and hiding/covering up sins by leadership because the individual in question is following along with the ‘standards.’

For instance, I know of a situation in which a young man was being used in a local church, was placed into the Sunday school buses, teaching in the Sunday School classes. He was doing everything he was supposed to – wore the suit and tie, was demonstrative in his worship, ‘spoke in tongues‘ which is the Holy Grail of a Oneness Pentecostal church. With glossolalia being observed, the boy was surely walking in the Spirit. That was all that was needed – he fulfilled the patterns and standards of legalism and thus, no questions asked – he was All God wanted in a person (as if it worked that way…).

Then, one day, with no warning, his face was on the front cover of the local newspaper.

Local man arrested, wanted by police for over a year was the headline. Same face, different name. I immediately read the article. He had been fugitive for over a year in another state. The article said he had changed his name, sold all his belongings, was on the run and in hiding, wanted for the crimes of molesting a small child.

I took a picture of the newspaper and texted it to another young person in the church who I knew would know him and said, “Is this Dominic? [Name changed for privacy]” It was, and the shock was real. How many children had the church put him into private positions with – no background checks, no questions asked. Just so long as you obey the church standards, nothing else matters.

There are dozens, perhaps hundreds of more stories of things being covered up in my old church alone, for sake of purity of doctrine and what I call the idolatry of legalism.

What is Legalism?

Legalism at its core is the belief that we can perform certain rituals and behave in certain fashions in order to please God and to warrant his favor. That man is so depraved, that without certain hard lines drawn in the sand that we must obey, administered by a local pastor, we have no hope of obtaining the grace of Jesus Christ.

In my old church, it was taught often,

‘You want God to bless you on the job? Be at outreach more often!’

‘You want God to work in your marriage? Shave that beard! Be at prayer more than 30 minutes every day.’

‘Do you think God can bless you over you (women) wearing pants?”

‘If you aren’t paying your tithes God isn’t going to answer your prayers!’

They truly believed that they had to dress certain ways in order to please God – such as no short sleeve shirts, no shorts on men or women, women were being like harlots to wear makeup, earrings, to dye their hair or to tan their skin. It’s a long litany of Thou Shalt Nots, above and beyond any scriptural example. Yet they honestly believe (or have been brainwashed to believe) that if they do any of those things – God will be dishonored, and worse, his wrath was to come.

But how is legalism idolatry?

It is idolatry when ‘playing the part’ is more important and overrides the grace of Jesus Christ! When legal matters are brushed aside for the purity of the doctrine. It is idolatry when instead of worshiping God for Calvary and what the cross did for us, we obey the pastors every whim, believing that is what pleases God.

Paul said it best in 1 Corinthians 2:2

for I made the decision to know nothing [that is, to forego philosophical or theological discussions regarding inconsequential things and opinions while] among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified [and the meaning of His redemptive, substitutionary death and His resurrection]. – Amplified Bible

Legalism turns inconsequential things into matters of doctrine and makes them sacraments for the atonement of sin, just like the Roman Catholic Church of 500+ years ago. If you want to be saved, pray in tongues every day. If you hope to have God’s blessing, pay more money. If you think God is going to help your family, stop wearing short sleeve shirts and shave your beard.

It is important to know, that God and God alone washes (atones) our sins. Not by any works of righteousness (Titus 3:5) which we think we can do. James rightly said faith without any works is dead (James 2:20) but our works are an outward effect of our faith, our faith is not predicated or made whole, or made better by works, or as legalists call them, standards.

The fruit of God’s spirit is not legalism – it is not a dress standard, it is not ritual, it is not sacraments, it is not blind obedience to a pastor, and it is most certainly not judging others salvation based upon their outward appearance, which is what every legalist will do.

But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. – Galatians 5:22

The result of having the Spirit of Christ WILL produce THESE works. All other demands upon Christians is a false and phony doctrine. Paul went on to say;

Carry one another’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the requirements of the law of Christ [that is, the law of Christian love].

The end of legalism is life in Christ and fulfilling the law of Christ, which is purely and simply, living our Galatians 5:22 – loving and caring for others in the way Jesus Christ gave himself for us. While we deserved nothing, he gave us everything!

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UPCI Ministers Embrace Alleged Pedophile Part 2

Part nine of a series of articles.

(Some statements in this article are what have been alleged by a survivor. There have been no convictions as the case mentioned here was not reported to the police and to my knowledge, the alleged perpetrator has not admitted guilt.)

This article covers information about Steven Dahl and his alleged molestation of at least two children in the 1980s as well as allegations of failure to report instances of child sexual abuse by pastor John W. Grant, of Calvary Gospel United Pentecostal Church in Madison, Wisconsin. You will need to read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 for additional details.

For the purpose of ministerial membership in the United Pentecostal Church International or for ministering in a United Pentecostal Church International church, immoral conduct shall be defined as adultery, fornication, homosexuality, incest, and/or any other sexual acts determined by the District Board to be perverted or immoral (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9; I Corinthians 6:9; Romans 1:24-28). – UPCI Manual

In my previous article, I asked four questions that cannot be ignored, tip-toed around or rationalized away and which need to be addressed by the Wisconsin District of the UPCI. I also shared that, “for years United Pentecostal ministers and pastors have been speaking for Steven Dahl at the Pentecostal Lighthouse Church in Oconto.” Before giving the names of various UPCI ministers who have spoken there, let’s take a closer look at Steven J. Dahl. Some has been shared in earlier articles.

Steven Dahl was born February 10, 1952 and grew up in Cambridge, WI. His grandparents came to America from Norway. His mother was Catholic and his father was Lutheran, which is how he was raised and baptized as a baby. He worked at a Pontiac garage in his teens, followed later by Ford and Chevy garages. He also worked for many years as a marketing representative selling church directories for Olan Mills and then as a consultant for Lifetouch Church Directories (they purchased Mills). When he was just 14, his father died at age 51 in 1967, with his mom being 81 at her death in the late 1990s.

Prior to his involvement with the United Pentecostal Church, he “was married, divorced, and went bankrupt by age 22.” Claiming an angel appeared to him the night before, on a Friday night in mid March 1981 at 11:30 pm he spoke in tongues for 45 minutes at his home in Madison, in front of two friends. On March 17th he was baptized at Calvary Gospel Church in Madison, Wisconsin. John W. Grant was the pastor, an ordained minister of the United Pentecostal Church. Steve claims to have been delivered of cigarettes, alcohol and drugs when he spoke in tongues on March 14.

He soon married Debra, seven years younger than him, in July 1981. The same year, or possibly in the spring of 1982, Debbie alleges that Steven Dahl started repeatedly sexually molesting her when she was eleven years old. Debbie reported this to pastor John W. Grant when she was 12, either in 1982 or 1983. Around the same time, Steve was caught in bed with Alice, his wife’s 15 year old sister. It appears that Grant may have sent Steve out of state for an unknown period of time, though in 1984 he was living in Appleton. None of this was reported to the police.

On March 26, 1985 Debra filed for divorce and on April 17, 1986, at age 34, Steve and Alice Marie eloped in Las Vegas, Nevada, just a few months after Alice turned 18. Steve and Alice have remained married and have four grown children. As a child, Debbie and Alice had been friends and pen pals, but this started changing when Alice moved in with Steve and his ex-wife back in the early 80s.

According to Dahl, these “mistakes” cost him his chance at being licensed in the UPCI. In December 2013 [screenshot] he wrote, “But that did not stop the call of God in my life from being fulfilled. I have had a lot of men disappoint me, and try to stop me from being a preacher, but God kept setting me up to minister.” Prior to him attending the Neenah church, he preached in nursing homes and while at the Neenah church he preached in three different prisons (being told not to return to two) for six years. He was asked to preach at a Methodist camp where he was almost thrown out when they realized he was Oneness Pentecostal. By 1986 or 1987 he started attending Christian Life Center in Neenah, a UPCI church. He occasionally preached there “when no one else was available.”

While a member of the Neenah church, for four years starting in April 1995 [screenshot], Dahl would make the 70 mile drive to Oconto, a city he hated and claims has a “bad spirit over it.” Starting in February 1998, meetings were being held rent free in the former VFW Hall at 821 Superior Ave in Oconto, Wisconsin. Around 1999, he purchased a home about four miles from the church. At some point the church had a split. In the time from 1995 to 2013, Steve claims to have baptized over 60 people, using a cow tank in the beginning. On June 6, 2014, the company that owned the building gave it to the church, after first putting on a new roof and adding a steeple and a cross. It is not a 501(c)(3) church.

The Pentecostal Lighthouse Church was a daughter work of Christian Life Center (now CrossPoint Church & then later Hope City Church), when John J. Bridges was pastor. Though unsure if it was such from its inception, we know that Bridges was supportive of it and advised Dahl. It was also listed in at least three years of directories that the Wisconsin District issued from 2006-2008, naming Steven Dahl as the pastor, even though Dahl did not hold license, was never eligible to hold license, and according to UPCI rules, should not have been ministering in their churches. (Screenshots of these are found in Part 1.)

In December 2013 Dahl shared that he was glad the church had become independent, that he had changed a lot of the ways he used to believe and did not wish to place “grievous burdens” on people. It appears it may have been over the UPCI standards teachings. As far back as November 4, 2012, Dahl stated that the church was not UPCI. It ceased to be listed as the daughter work of Christian Life Center in 2014 and probably prior. (I have not seen the issues from 2009-2013.)

[Video: Rachael Denhollander describing credible allegations of sexual abuse coverup in the network of Sovereign Grace Churches, and in the Evangelical community at large.]

Besides it being incredulous that John J. Bridges and the Wisconsin District allowed Steven J. Dahl to pastor a daughter work of the Neenah church, numerous United Pentecostal Church ministers and pastors have spoken at the Pentecostal Lighthouse Church. Even more socialize with him on Facebook and in person. UPC minister Mark Willhoite, who Dahl considers a mentor, believes that Dahl is a good man and preaches as well as Lee Stoneking, because he considers him anointed.

Below are the names of fourteen known ministers who have spoken for Dahl, as well as two who have allowed him to speak at their UPCI church. How could so many either have not known of his past or ignored it? When an ex-UPCI minister in Michigan can be shunned and spoken vehemently against by his former pastor, because he left and no longer believed all the standards, how can so many ministers embrace someone who has committed adultery more than once and is an alleged pedophile?

This is little Debbie, at the age in which she alleges that Steven J. Dahl started repeatedly molesting her. How do you think this appears to her when she sees how these men have welcomed Dahl with open arms, when she was treated by some at Calvary Gospel Church as if she had done something wrong? This is not a “mistake” and it is not just a matter of “adultery.” It is not normal for someone unhappy in their marriage to turn to young children and sexually molest them.

Besides having spoken at the Neenah church, Dahl has preached at the Pentecostal Apostolic Church of Peshtigo where Dale Welch was pastor (January 2012 screenshot) and at Apostolic Worship Center in Antigo/Bryant/Elton, where Ward Rehbein (another mentor to Dahl) is pastor (March 2011). (Welch passed away on July 20, 2019.)

The following ministers are those known to have spoken at the Pentecostal Lighthouse Church. It should be evident that the inclusion of these names is by no means an indication that they were aware of the accusations against Dahl at the time. Mark Crowley (July 2010; March 2011; December 2014), Lee Endris (October 2017), George Hurt (January 2011), Mark Harris (May 2012; April 2014; December 2014; January 2017, May 2018), Joe Martinez (July 2010), Jimmy Ogle (December 2009), Phil Bridges (October 2010), Felix Crowder (January 2011; January 2013), Michael Papp (May 2014), Ward Rehbein (July 2012; October 2013, April 2019), Mark Showalter (March 2013), Dale Welch (December 2010), Ellery Campsall (August & September 2014, December 2018), Timothy Duffy (May 2018), and Robert Childress (May 2011; December 2016, January 2017). (Campsall was not UPC licensed at the time of this post, but was campus pastor at Life Point Church in Hortonville, an extension of Apostolic Truth Church in Appleton, an affiliated UPCI church. He did later become licensed and now is pastor of the Wauwatosa Tabernacle of Praise.)

As Christians who preach the inherent worth of people made in God’s image, we must take credible claims of abuse and mishandling seriously and require an independent investigation of the organization before supporting. If these claims are true and we have supported something that damages God’s children so much, that is grievous beyond what I can express, and we are responsible for that support and the damage that ensues thereafter, both to the victims we harm by failing to hear their cries, and to the victims that follow.
And if these claims are proven false, will we not all rejoice that God’s truth came out through humility and accountability, exactly as we teach it will?
And if you were leading an organization with such widespread claims of mishandling sexual and domestic violence, would not your love for God, and those under your care, motivate you to seek the truth yourself, to find out if errors have been made? Would not LOVE require this? – Rachael Denhollander

There are voices crying out, saying there is something very wrong here.

Known as ‘The Rev,’ Steve Dahl runs The Rev Oconto Car Club Facebook Group (started September 28, 2021). He organizes Car N Tunes events in Wisconsin and at the annual Oconto Fly-In Car & Tractor Show (he also runs or helps run that Facebook Page, which started February 16, 2018), where he has served as emcee and DJ at the event for thirteen years. The next Fly-In date is September 21, 2024.

March 10, 2024 Note: Screenshots and some pictures have been added to this post, links have been checked, and some revisions were made.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

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UPCI Ministers Embrace Alleged Pedophile Part 1

Part eight of a series of articles.

A preacher may fall into sin, be forgiven by God, be restored to the church, and even be restored to many areas of service, but this does not automatically entitle him to his former position of leadership. He must once again meet the qualifications of being blameless, having a good report, and so on. This takes much time, and in some cases total restoration may never be possible. …Moreover, some sins-such as child molestation, incest, and rape-may indicate deep personality problems that would permanently disqualify someone from many leadership positions. – David Bernard, January-March 1988 Forward

In a previous article, I shared about the relationship between the United Pentecostal Church and the Pentecostal Lighthouse Church in Oconto, Wisconsin, a Oneness Pentecostal church where Steven J. Dahl is the founder and pastor. It is something I stumbled across while doing research for my articles. The relationship between Dahl and the UPCI should never have occurred according to their Manual. It causes us to ask questions that cannot be ignored, tip-toed around or rationalized away. (The two screen shots below are from the 2018 UPCI Manual. The rules mentioned were also in place in the 1990s.)

In the United Pentecostal Church, if a minister is guilty of an immoral sexual act, they must forfeit their license and one who has committed such is not to minister in a UPC church. How then did an adulterer, who is an alleged pedophile, pastor the daughter work of a United Pentecostal church in Neenah, Wisconsin? John J. Bridges was pastor of Christian Life Center (now CrossPoint Church– then later Hope City Church), the parent church. [screenshot from a 2006 Wisconsin District directory]

In the United Pentecostal Church, new churches are only to be started with the written consent of the District Board. How then was the daughter work of Christian Life Center approved by the Wisconsin District when Steven Dahl, not licensed by the UPCI, was to be the pastor? Since the District included his name and home address in their directories, it wasn’t like Bridges bypassed this requirement and secretly had a daughter work. [screenshot from a 2007 Wisconsin District directory]

If the Oconto church started in 1995 [screenshot] when Dahl has stated, John W. Grant was serving as the Wisconsin District Superintendent. How then did the District approve the daughter work of Christian Life Center when Grant allegedly had direct knowledge of instances of child sexual abuse? He was the pastor at Calvary Gospel United Pentecostal Church in Madison, where Steven Dahl had been a member during the time when the alleged abuse took place. [screenshot from a 2008 Wisconsin District directory] If it started in 1995 but somehow didn’t become a daughter work of the Neenah church until the 2000s, John Putnam would have been the District Superintendent. Considering the seriousness of the allegations, it would be a dereliction of duty for John W. Grant to not have shared about Dahl with John Putnam or John Bridges. Since Steven Dahl’s name was included in at least three years of Wisconsin District Directories, District officials, as well as any other Wisconsin licensed minister, had to know that he was being used as a pastor. [Note: James Booker became the new District Superintendent in March 2018.]

Not only did Steven J. Dahl get to pastor the United Pentecostal daughter work in Oconto, but an eyewitness has shared with me that he was seen attending the Wisconsin District Conference meeting held at the Osthoff Resort in Elkhart Lake, where these have been held for years. [screenshot] This was at the minister meetings and happened around 2005-2007. He was present in at least one of these, possibly more. John Putnam was the District Superintendent then (and still was as of 2018). Why was Steven Dahl allowed to attend meetings for UPCI licensed ministers when he neither held license, nor was he ever going to be eligible to obtain one?

If the above isn’t enough to cause astonishment, for years United Pentecostal ministers and pastors have been speaking for Steven Dahl at the Pentecostal Lighthouse Church in Oconto. Dahl has spoken in at least one of their churches. A list of some of these men will be covered in Part 2. It is very clear to me that, year after year, the Wisconsin District of the UPCI and many of its ministers have embraced Steven Dahl as one of their own, something they would have been prohibited from doing according to the UPCI Manual had his alleged sexual sins occurred while holding license. I shared in a previous article, “When their ministers will shun former members because they left the organization or no longer hold to their teachings on standards, I find this disturbing and perplexing.”

So how does the above look to many of us who have left UPCI churches? It reeks like the stench of rotting fish. Many of us were suddenly shunned once we exited their buildings and we had not committed adultery, nor acts of child sexual abuse. I asked Debbie, who alleges that Steven Dahl repeatedly molested her while a member of Calvary Gospel Church, to write about how this has affected her.

Just like when I was a child they prefer the child abuser over the abused child. As I and others have tried to speak out and tell our stories we are scoffed at and declared to be liars by some who don’t even know us or the details of our stories. The church has gone out of its way to be friendly with Steve. They are friends with him on social media and they visit one another’s churches. Just like when the abuse happened he seems to be accepted and I am denied. They did not report his actions at the time and he was taken in by another UPC church. He was eventually put in charge of a daughter work and now it is like nothing ever happened. He does not hold a UPCI license but that doesn’t seem to matter much to them. Meanwhile, when I speak my truth they do not want to hear it. My story is automatically met with denial, disbelief, and scorn. There is no willingness to even entertain the idea that I might be telling the truth. Steve is enjoying a fair amount of support on his page. People are offering him prayers and verbal encouragement as he goes through this difficult trial. Not one person who is still in the church has reached out to me. …Watching how well Steve has been received and how much the church wants to deny all of this has hurt me. When I see people I used to respect, like former Sunday School teachers being friends with Steve online that is pretty hard to witness. – Debbie, former member of Calvary Gospel Church

Will any answers to these questions be forthcoming? Time will tell. I plan to continue writing. Meanwhile, a growing number of people find this to be very upsetting and inexcusable. If you presently are part of the Wisconsin District of the United Pentecostal Church, you should hold these people accountable and press for an investigation.

9-12-21 Facebook post – Steve Dahl is “The Rev”

For those who wish to hear him, this is a video interview with car enthusiast Steven Dahl, who has owned over 175 cars in his lifetime. [The video has since been made private.] Here’s one he made on September 16, 2023 and another from the same day, that he streamed live on his The Rev Oconto Car Facebook Group he operates. You can find several more of his live videos there. He’s very active in old car shows, such as the Cars N Tunes events which have been held several times a year at Shake A Burger in Oconto (he plays the tunes there and at the annual Oconto Fly-In, Car & Tractor Show, where he has served as emcee and DJ at the event for thirteen years). He used to have some YouTube videos of his preaching, but they have been removed.

March 12, 2024 Note: Some pictures have been added to this post, links have been checked, and some revisions were made.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

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From Faith to Fear

Remember how happy you were when you first started attending your unhealthy group? Were you afraid of hell, either before or after your conversion? I mean, not just because you were saved, but all surrounding that time, both before and after your conversion?

When I first attended a Pentecostal church, I was happy. I was happy that I’d found a place to belong, people to talk about God with, and a church to worship with. I was not for one second afraid of hell. It didn’t figure into my attending and it didn’t figure into my conversion at all. For months after joining I had no thought of going to hell. I didn’t start going to church to avoid hell, and I didn’t stay to keep from going there. Hell was actually pretty far off my radar when I started attending church. I went to get closer to God, not to avoid hell. And so I wasn’t afraid of hell at first. The fear crept in slowly.

For me, I think the fear may have started with end times discussions. “Be careful, or you’ll be left behind!” That and prayers for “lost loved ones.” Then some friends that had started going with me suddenly stopped going. I still wasn’t afraid they’d go to hell, but I was VERY concerned that I’d ‘lose out,’ that I’d ‘backslide‘ and stop attending church. I loved it so much, I was terrified of leaving. The thought of leaving made me very insecure. The church, I thought, was there to protect me, to help me, to lead me. And in my mind at that time, these things were good. I had a group of people I could identify and trust, whether I knew them specifically or not. They were Pentecostal. They had the Holy Ghost. So they were good. And I wanted that safety desperately as a young adult on her own for the first time. Still, at that moment, nine months after I’d started attending, I don’t remember being afraid I’d go to hell.

In time, I was exposed more and more to teachings on hell, and my fear of hell grew as I heard those. I moved to a different church when I was in my late 20s. The church I started attending was a very different kind of church than what I’d been in for the first seven years. In the new church, there were not only sermons about hell, but people seemed to enjoy giving graphic descriptions of what hell might be like (and the rapture, and leaving, and many, many other things). The sermons there left me with less and less hope. They sapped my joy. And while I thought at the time that I was getting closer to God by being driven to stay through fear, I had never been in danger of leaving even without the fear. And so the fear sapped my joy and my faith. Over time of hearing these things repeatedly, I began to see God as judge rather than Father. I no longer wanted to pray or study. I felt I had to, but I didn’t want to. Fear ended up pushing me away from God, even though I trusted the pastor who told me it would drive me closer to him.

I don’t believe teachings on hell are used very well in Pentecost. After all, as we grow in God, should we have more and more faith, peace, love and joy… or more fear? I ended up with more fear. How about you?

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A Real Look Inside a Victim of Spiritual Abuse

I am working on learning to be vulnerable and honest about what it is like to live with depression and anxiety. However, the world at large is not a safe place in which to be vulnerable. That is why I write under a pen name. I can be honest and open with the world and yet be protected. That is the beauty of this site, this ministry of healing, this safe place. No one can hurt me when I’m vulnerable here.

So, today I’m going to be real honest and open. I’m going to give my readers a chance to view the results of 35+ years of spiritual abuse, that eventually morphed into physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological, and even sexual abuse. I’m learning that no human can pass through the fire without being burned. Everything I have faced has left scars, wounds, and horrifically altered my being forever.

Sitting with a friend over a meal recently, she shared her agnostic beliefs with me and asked me specific questions about what I believe, after all I’ve been through at the hands of religion. I told her, remarkably, “I don’t know what I believe anymore. There were so many lies. So much deception. So much pain and betrayal. The only thing I know is that I believe there is a God, and I believe that Jesus is the son of God who came to earth to die for our sins. Beyond that, I do not know anymore what I believe.” In that moment, I felt so odd. I wondered “How did I get here?” I felt a bit like a “heathen,” given the many years of indoctrination I had, and the fervency of my dedication to the cult for many years. On the other hand, there was a feeling of peace and realization, that, in mainstream religious circles, I’d just stated the very essence of being a Christian. It made me realize that I hold onto what really matters and the rest is now fluid for me.

Research

I was at a training event for work last week, where the effects of fear on the brain were related by an expert. The results were astonishing. When a person lives in a constant state of fear for a period of time, the brain produces large amounts of cortisol to counteract the stress and provide balance. Early life stress disturbs the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis, and this can cause a person to be more likely to have psychiatric issues as an adult (Carpenter, Shattuck, Tyrka, Geracioti & Price, 2011). In some severe cases of abuse, the child’s development is interrupted and their brain develops permanent damage due to the abusive actions of adults in their lives. They develop severe mental illness that can cause them to become psychotic, or to become a psychopath or sociopath. This is interesting, in light of the phrase that I heard after my children were abused by their father. I was still in the cult, and the preacher involved did not like it that my children and I couldn’t just “snap out of it” after escaping the abuser. He once made a statement that “so you were abused. Get over it. Many people have been abused.” Obviously this was an uneducated and asinine comment.

There is a reason for the depression and anxiety seen in my own life and that of many other victims of spiritual abuse whom I’ve encountered. There is a scientific explanation. People who experienced greater amounts of childhood emotional abuse also have more increased depression symptoms, especially when they have ongoing life stressors. Therefore, studies have shown that emotional abuse is truly a risk factor in our reaction to stressful life events (Shapero, et. al., 2014). Spiritual abuse has not been studied as much as other forms of abuse, but it definitely has an emotionally abusive element. It has been discovered, however, that spiritual abuse has many different facets and layers of experience that affect the biological, psychological, and social, as well as the spiritual realm of a person (Ward, 2011).

For those of us raised in a cult, many of us suffered various types of abuse, both in childhood and as adults. It is no wonder, then, that we suffer from depressive symptoms, anxiety issues, and sometimes even more debilitating mental issues. In my personal experience, adjustment disorders have plagued me throughout my adult life, exhibiting with both depressive and anxious symptomology. Here, I want to describe what it is like to feel these symptoms in relation to the past spiritual abuse and emotional abuse combined:

Depression is a dark, weighted cloud that sits on my soul. It consistently tells me there is no hope, and it holds me in misery. I can’t shake the sadness, or the feeling that my life is over… wrecked… beyond repair. I’m able to pinpoint that these religious leaders and specific abusers from my past have ruined my life, but I also feel completely broken and inept at everything in life. I can be making straight A’s, functioning at a high level, as far as daily living, and still feel like I am a complete and utter failure.

I sometimes feel I’m doomed to this darkness drowning my soul forever. I often cannot feel anything outside of an emotional numbness that causes me to be unresponsive to what is going on around me. Sometimes it becomes a pervasive sadness that has me crying over everything that happens, even if it isn’t a negative event. At times, it keeps me from feeling happy or celebrating clear victories or positive events. The inner voice plays down the positivity.

Many times when the depressive feelings overwhelm me, I feel the urge to kill myself. The most common feeling is to have this strong impulse to stab myself in the chest–likely because my emotional heart is feeling so much pain it feels like I’m already being stabbed in the heart inside, but there is no one to witness the event or care. Shame messages from childhood and religious leaders haunt me. I’m flooded with messages such as “you wouldn’t be in this situation if” and “it is all your fault for leaving the church.”

Other thoughts that commonly flood my mind at those moments include “You are a hot mess,” “you are too sensitive,” “you need to pray through,” “things will never be better–you are scarred for life,” “who do you think you are to think you deserve better?” “you are just an emotional female,” “I wish I were a logical male,” “what if my problems are a punishment for not being good enough,” “I wish I could have more faith,” “I’m not a strong person. A truly strong person could live up to all of the rules to earn the blessings of God.” Many other thoughts flood my mind in those dark moments.

I usually feel physically heavy, especially in my chest. I often get a headache. I don’t have any energy to be productive during these moments, and often I just feel like sleeping to hide from the world. Sometimes I will eat large quantities of chocolate or other comfort food to try to alleviate the pain. When going about daily life, in that state, I often have impulses to pull out in front of a fast approaching semi truck, run my car into a telephone pole, jump off of a cliff, run away from everyone I know and live out of my car with my children, or some other equally harmful impulse. Instead, when I get to that point, I go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant so that I can function and cope with the stress.

However, I know many others who cut themselves to find release, or contract eating disorders that cause them to binge, purge, or both. Others who are afraid to get medication may self medicate with alcohol or illegal drugs. Some have difficulty holding down jobs or meeting daily living demands due to the crippling depression that they cannot shake. When we feel this kind of depressive symptoms, we feel horrible and it makes us snap and growl at those around us who love us. Sometimes it can drive them away, yet we truly need their unconditional love more than anything else in these moments.

Anxiety has often been described to me as the “flip side of the coin” in regards to depression. I have noted that this is often the case in my own life. My medication keeps the depression at bay for the most part, but the anxiety will often trigger depressive symptoms or vice versa. Anxiety is terribly painful as well. Sometimes there are panic attacks, where my chest hurts as if I’m having a heart attack. I will become short of breath, feeling like I could possibly pass out or die. I will often become dizzy and the anxiety level is so high that I’m terrified and cannot find a reason for the anxiety at times. Sometimes my legs will become shaky, or my hands will shake uncontrollably. All of these things are signs of a panic attack and are not anything I’m in control of, but are physical symptoms of the high levels of stress hormones produced in my body.

Common triggers to a panic attack occur in church services–comments made, guilt inducing messages, judgmental comments, anything that takes me back to my spiritually abusive past. These physical responses are my body’s way of telling me that I’m in danger again. Anxiety also makes me fearful, hyper vigilant, and pours energy into my body through adrenaline. I will have bursts of highly productive energy induced by stress, followed by extreme tiredness and inability to stay awake. Sometimes there is an impending feeling of doom that has no concrete basis in real life.

Thankfully, I am able to know that my body and my feelings are betraying me and I can differentiate between reality and the panic. However, many people cannot tell the difference and too much anxiety can lead people to become delusional. Because of the bursts of adrenaline and the body’s need to relax afterwards, people who suffer from anxiety can appear erratic or inconsistent in their productivity. Some people have lost jobs, or at least been marginalized by society for the inconsistent patterns of functioning that are observable in their lives. In my case, when I had the severe panic attacks over several days time, my doctor prescribed a few pills of a low dose anti-anxiety medication. However, I took only two and kept the rest for future reference, as anti-anxiety medications are commonly abused and can be addictive. I generally use relaxation techniques to reduce my anxiety levels. Yet some people experience such severe anxiety that they have to have an ongoing anti-anxiety medication.

I have learned some very helpful coping skills to deal with my depressive and anxious symptoms. I have been blessed to have several amazing therapists who have helped me learn to cope better with the stress. Many others do not have the luxury of truly helpful professionals to aid them in managing their symptoms, and they suffer from far more debilitating symptoms as a result.

The conclusion of my emotional/mental responses to my past abuse is that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do have scars that may never go away. I am prepared to take medication for the rest of my life, if that is what I have to do to function and have a happy life. I no longer feel shame about seeing a therapist, and I do so as much as needed…as long as my insurance covers it. My friendship field is smaller than some, due to mental health stigmas, but I have honest, loyal, and trustworthy friends who support me.

I have vowed to NEVER, EVER darken the door of another church in the abusive religious group I escaped, other than my own family member’s funerals–and even then, I’ve given myself permission to get up and leave when I feel threatened. I attend church only when I feel capable of handling any triggers, and I reserve the right to get up and leave if I feel stressed. I talk to God about my stress and my past, as well as my current beliefs, and I feel that He understands the resulting chaos of religious leaders who abuse…after all, Jesus was personally acquainted with the Pharisees, and angered by the way their actions affected the people. Occasionally I try something new that is legal but was “forbidden” by my church growing up. If I like it, I make it part of my life. If I dislike it, I choose not to do it in the future.

Overall, I focus on enjoying the freedom to say “no,” or to accept things without the ruling of any spiritual or familial leader telling me what to think or do. I feel angry and bitter at leaders who have hurt me in the past–yes I do–but I work on letting these things go and focusing on my own health and recovery from abuse as much as possible. At times there are new stressors or events that take me right back to the past I’m trying to avoid. In those times, I give myself a lot of patience and I refuse to feel guilty as I process my anger and fury for what happened. Then, as soon as I can, I try again to put the past behind me and keep living in the present.

This is my journey. Yours will be different.

Carpenter, L., Shattuck, T., Tyrka, A., Geracioti, T., & Price, L. (2011). Effect of childhood physical abuse on cortisol stress response. Psychopharmacology, 214 (1), 367-375.

Shapero, B. G., Black, S. K., Liu, R. T., Klugman, J., Bender, R. E., Abramson, L. Y., & Alloy, L. B. (2014). Stressful Life Events and Depression Symptoms: The Effect of Childhood Emotional Abuse on Stress Reactivity. Journal Of Clinical Psychology, 70 (3), 209-223.

Ward, D. J. (2011). The lived experience of spiritual abuse. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 14 (9), 899-915.

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