Category: Oneness Pentecostal | Page 12

Former United Pentecostal Minister Roland Stirnemann Sex Offender

The 43rd installment in this series about sexual abuse in the United Pentecostal Church takes place in Michigan. This concerns a former UPCI minister, Roland “Ro” Stirnemann, who plead guilty in January 2009 to two of four sexual abuse charges involving a minor, starting when she was six years old. At the time of his arrest in 2008, he had not been licensed through the UPCI for several years. However, one of the charges involved the time when he yet held license. He is a registered sex offender in Michigan [screen shot]. (He is non-compliant as of at least June 21, 2023. screenshot He has since been compliant as of at least July 11, 2023.) As Stirneman similarly asked in his article, Sodom’s Subtle Seduction, I will similarly ask, “How did Roland Stirnemann get to the place where he was able to overlook the obvious immorality of his actions, time and time again?” [Warning: this article shares details of his crimes.]

Roland K. Stirnemann was born on September 11, 1962. He married his wife, Sue Ellen, in 1981, a year after he graduated high school, and they have two sons, which were adopted from the UPCI endorsed Tupelo Children’s Mansion. He’s a 4th generation Oneness Pentecostal and yet touts himself as a minister [source]. Roland first appears in the 1990 UPCI Directory with a general license, which means he received it in 1989, and it shows him as living in Fall River, Massachusetts. At that time, his brother Jay was pastor of an affiliated UPCI church in that town and Roland started helping at his brother’s small church after graduating from Bible College, but before obtaining his license, which was granted soon after moving there. He preached and taught some at the church, gave personal Bible studies, and taught the high school Sunday School class. Stirnemann claims that God spoke to him almost 30 years ago, that he was to be a watchman and an intercessor on behalf of the church [source: The Last Trump, page 9].

Prior to this, he helped for years at the Faith Apostolic Church of Troy, a UPCI church in Michigan, as did his late father, Robert Walter Stirnemann. I am told he was considered an elder at Faith Apostolic. He claims to have done missionary work in Africa, Central and South America and the Caribbean [source]. It appears this work was done through the United Pentecostal Church’s AIM (Associates in Missions) program, which is a short term entry-level missions program that any UPC member may request to attend. He was never appointed as a missionary in the organization and it has been shared he collected donations to help pay for these trips.

In 1991 Roland is listed as living in Clawson, Michigan and in 1999 he is seen in Auburn Hills. [Note: I do not have 1993-1998 Directories.] He is last seen listed in the 2001 UPCI Directory, which means he could have no longer been licensed near the end of 2000 or some time in 2001. I am unaware as to whether he dropped out of the organization or if they dismissed him. His brother, Jay Robert Stirnemann, was licensed long before Roland and has served as the District Superintendent of the Massachusetts/Rhode Island District since 2010. Jay has also been the pastor of Christ Temple United Pentecostal Church in Tiverton since 1986.

This is case 2008-223287-FH. The charges against Roland K. Stirnemann were 750.520c (criminal sexual conduct in the second degree; felony; multiple variables), 750.520e (criminal sexual conduct in the fourth degree; misdemeanor), 750.520c1b (criminal sexual conduct in the second degree; felony; relation) and 750.520d1d (criminal sexual conduct in the third degree; felony). Regarding 750.520c, it’s the second most serious form of criminal sexual conduct in Michigan. It mainly applies to sexual contact of victims under particularly egregious circumstances [source]. The charges spanned from 1997 through 2008. Stirnemann was represented by attorney Jerome L. Fenton, who appears to now practice in Arizona.

It appears Roland Stirnemann was attending the Apostolic Church of Auburn Hills at this time as Steve Warman, then a UPCI minister, was listed among the 28 potential witnesses in the court records. That church is last seen in the 2013 UPCI Directory, so the church could have left anywhere between late 2012 and at any point in 2013. Apparently Stirnemann has been unhappy with the direction the church has taken as can be seen in his Apostolic Witchcraft article, which he also posted on at least one Facebook group. In it, he partially laments about being “greeted at the door by a lady in slacks with hair chopped to her shoulders, her face laden with makeup and jewelry.” The woman was 4th generation Apostolic and neither her husband, who was there with her, or the church elders said anything about it. And, gasp, another 4th generation woman, a praise singer, wore tiny earrings! He claims that God spoke to him about his sons’ rebellion at the time and pointed out how they “see rebellion in their local church from the greeting at the front door to the platform.” I have seen too much of this where men who are strict or very judgmental about these standards (and other things) are often found to be hiding something in their lives.

On January 15, 2009, Stirnemann entered a guilty plea for 750.520c and 750.520c1b and the other two charges were dropped as a result of the agreement. On February 4, 2009, he was sentenced by Judge Wendy Potts to 365 days in prison and was given credit for 20 days. He was ordered to pay $5,000 restitution, as well as some other fees that totaled $680.00. In addition, he was to pay a supervision fee to the Department of Corrections in the amount of $3,000. He was to be on five years of probation where he was to have no contact with children under 18 and was forbidden to be in a leadership role in schools, churches or sporting events, nor could there be any activities with children under 18. He was also ordered to have no contact of any kind with the victim or her family and he had to stay at least 500 feet away from their home, places of employment and school.

On March 3, 2012, the court allowed Stirnemann to return to his marital home. It appears that at least part of the time after his arrest he had been living at his parent’s home in Madison Heights.

In an article he wrote in 2018, Roland Stirnemann claimed to be a seeker of truth. With that in mind, let’s look at the truth of the sexual crimes he committed. None of his brazen intentional actions can be identified as mistakes, nor accidents. Each was deliberate, with him knowing exactly what he was doing. It wasn’t a one-time event, not that this would be acceptable, but these happened over the course of 11 years- 11 years. Had he not been reported to the police and arrested in 2008, every sign pointed to the fact that he would have continued and probably would have eventually raped this young girl. In cases such as this, one must also wonder if there are other victims, as people who do such things usually don’t stop with one person.

Based on the testimony given at Stirnemann’s probable cause hearing in October 2008, these are his crimes:

In 1997 or 1998 in her bedroom, when the girl was only six years old, he put his hand up her skirt and touched her vagina with his hand.
In 2006 or 2007 at her grandmother’s home, he came up behind her where she was sitting and put his hand down her shirt, touching one breast under her bra.
In June or July of 2008 in the hallway at her home, he put his hand up her skirt, touched her vagina with his hand underneath her underwear and inserted his finger.
In August 2008 in her bedroom, after asking if anyone was there with her, he reached out and touched her breast with his hand.
At Stirnemann’s home when she was 13 or 14, he came up to her while both were standing, placed his arms around her and forcefully starting kissing her on the lips with his lips and tongue. After she resisted, he stepped aside and said, “I need to teach you how to kiss.”

All of the above occurred when other people were present in the homes, but was not witnessed by them. In addition to these, the following also occurred, but these charges were not included in Stirnemann’s arrest as they happened in an area outside the jurisdiction of the court. They were allowed to be presented under MCL 768.27a. “When a defendant is charged with a sexual offense against a minor, the prosecution may now introduce evidence of a defendant’s uncharged sexual offenses against minors without having to justify the admissibility of the evidence.” [source]

In 2005 or 2006 at a cottage in Michigan, he stood in the bathroom with the door open and his pants and underwear down, exposing himself to her. [NOTE: I have been in contact with one woman whose sister alleges that Stirnemann did this on more than one occasion to her from inside his home, in front of a picture window. It was shared that at times he walked around his home naked in front of this window when his wife was not present.]
Another time when she was going to walk into the living room, he grabbed her hand and put it up his shorts, forcing her to touch his penis under his clothing.
Another time when she was standing in the kitchen, he came up behind her and put his hand down her skirt and underwear and touched her vagina.

After he was released from prison, he wrote three religious related books: Who Am I?: Your Son’s Search For Identity released in 2017, The Last Trump: A Clarion Call To End Time Believers in 2019 and Marred in the Potter’s Hand: A Collection of Inspirational Devotionals in 2020. Stirnemann also started a blog in November 2014, which is no longer in operation.

What is especially sickening about this blog is an entry titled, Maintaining My Character In The Middle Of Hell, which Stirnemann wrote about his imprisonment. He starts by stating, “This is the most transparent I have been since the founding of my blog” and shares it was originally written in the Spring of 2010, which would have been after he’d been released, but was yet on probation. He calls this a “traumatic experience” and goes on to state, “The enemy did his best to destroy the strong bonds and beautiful family my wife and I had cultivated over a long period of time but he lost.” [screen shot]

No, ‘the enemy’ did no such thing, as Stirnemann was arrested and charged for sexual crimes he had been committing for a decade. After reading the testimony of the victim, this article is infuriating, how he attempts to describe what he and his family went through with no concern shown for the harm he repeatedly inflicted.

About 9 months before my arrest I had begun going to the church every morning for about an hour to pray with a group of men from my church. …I knew God was preparing me for something. I thought He was getting me ready for my next step of personal ministry. …I had no idea that all of that preparation was God’s way of building character in me for the 14 months I would end up spending in jail separated from my family. I honestly don’t believe I would have made it emotionally, mentally, and spiritually through that time period had I not spent those 9 months in regular prayer preparing for this test. – Roland Stirnemann, posted on his blog December 23, 2015 [screen shot]

In other words, in his mind God prompted him to pray like this to prepare him for his arrest and imprisonment, a ‘test,’ but amazingly God apparently never bothered to prompt him to pray before each of the numerous times he molested this girl, in an effort to prevent the abuse. Apparently God wasn’t interested in ‘building his character’ during those eleven years that he sexually abused her.

He never shares or even hints at the reasons why he spent time in prison and specifically referred to this time as a “test” and “things life can blindside us with.” He never once mentions his victim, nor what she would have endured and experienced due to his repeated criminal actions. Never once is any concern shown for what she might face throughout her life because of his perverted sexual desires. Absent are any concerns of how his actions may have affected her spiritually.

In his final paragraph he writes in part, “Yes, character is essential to making it through the tough times in life, but what most do not understand is that character is developed moment by moment through the most mundane routines of life before trouble ever comes our way. I think for me the greatest testimony to my own personal character has been the way others have responded to me since I have been released from jail. I thought some might treat me like a pariah but that has not been the case. I have been welcomed and hugged with open arms by many whom I didn’t even think really knew me. But it is now apparent to me that all those years of treating people properly and just being consistent in my daily good living is bearing fruit in how others are responding to my family and me in our time of need.” [screen shot]

Against the rules of Facebook, as they do not allow registered sex offenders on their platform, Roland Stirnemann had a personal profile [screen shot] as well as one where he featured his books [screen shot]. Facebook removed them prior to the writing of this article.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

United Pentecostal Pastor Stephen Barker, Raul Rodriguez & A Lawsuit

The 42nd installment in this series about sexual abuse in the United Pentecostal Church will be different from most of my entries, as at this time I wish to focus mainly on one aspect of the case. This concerns a lawsuit filed on December 3, 2020 by UPCI pastor Stephen Barker against Emily Calderon, a former church member, who has since sometime in 2020 been very outspoken about multiple cases of alleged sexual abuse involving Raul Rodriguez, a long-time member of Mount Zion Apostolic Church in Visalia (Goshen), California. Rodriguez married Kristen, the sister of Stephen Barker, in 2008.

The defamation lawsuit is also against twenty unnamed individuals and seeks payment of a half million dollars. The church is represented by attorney Mike Chappers and Calderon by attorney Lenden Franklin Webb. This is happening in the Western District of the United Pentecostal Church, which has had difficulties in recent years. District Superintendent Gaylen Cantrell is mentioned by the plaintiffs in the court documents. [It should be pointed out that Mount Zion Apostolic Church previously had as its pastor Harvey C. Cantrell, who is Gaylen’s father, and he is an Honorary Secretary of the Western District. Harvey Cantrell was the pastor 17 years ago when Meghan Estrada (now Robles), a preacher’s kid, was allegedly groomed and molested for over a year by Raul Rodriguez, starting when she was 13 years old and he was 23. Three years later when she was 16, Harvey Cantrell was made aware of what happened by Meghan’s father, but neither men reported it to police. At that time, Cantrell allegedly stated that Meghan had been wearing tight clothing and was promiscuous. Meghan’s case is especially complicated as Stephen Barker and Kristen Rodriguez are her cousins. According to a partial screen shot Emily Calderon posted in her TikTok account of a conversation between Kristen and Meghan in 2012, a few months before they were married, Cantrell told Raul to tell Kristen about the situation. Why Cantrell waited so long to advise this is problematic as Kristen has shared on her Facebook profile that they dated for seven years before marrying. What Raul allegedly did to Meghan would have happened during this time.]

This is case VCU285173. At present a settlement conference is scheduled for December 20, 2021, with a jury trial scheduled for January 31, 2022. Prior to this on November 17, 2020, Steven Calderon, Emily’s husband, filed for civil harassment restraining orders against Ron Barker, Stephen Barker’s father. This was case VCU285028. It was denied on December 7, 2020.

When someone sues for defamation, the burden of proof rests on the person(s) filing the lawsuit. My understanding of this is that they must prove the statements made against them are false and that the individual(s) knew the statements were untrue or made them maliciously, not caring about the veracity or lack thereof. They must prove the statements were made to a third party and that they incurred damages due to them. I would like to point out that this lawsuit is a public record, I believe the pastor would be considered a public figure, and as such people are free to discuss the case and the issues involved with it, sharing their thoughts and opinions. In addition, the issue of sexual abuse is unquestionably a very public issue. It should be clearly noted that while I understand that there is a police investigation, Raul Rodriguez has not been arrested or charged with any crimes. This is being posted to bring awareness to the situation and to show that Raul Rodriguez has been very involved at Mt. Zion Apostolic Church for many years.

Emily Calderon has made numerous TikTok videos about the situation, some of which have been removed due to them being reported. She has also publicly posted on her Facebook profile. Despite being sued by her former pastor, his father Ron Barker, and Mount Zion Apostolic Church, she has continued to speak out and filed a cross complaint against these parties on February 17, 2021. On May 27, the judge ruled against the church demurrer (basically a motion to dismiss) regarding Calderon’s cross complaint. At some point after the church lawsuit was filed, they removed the Facebook page for the church. They also removed the mention on the church website staff page of Raul Rodriguez and his wife being the music directors for the church. In this screen shot from Bing of their ministry staff page, it shows that Rodriguez was listed as the music director from as far back as at least October 28, 2020. (When clicking on ‘9 months ago’ on Bing, it gives the date as on or before October 28.)

I learned long ago that when reporting on cases such as this, that things tend to disappear from the internet. Because of this, when I initially started looking into this story several months ago, I collected a variety of screen shots including ones that showed Raul Rodriguez’s church involvement, which goes back many years. In one of the court documents, Calderon has shared an excerpt where Stephen Barker stated, “Raul is not a leader of the Church. Although Raul participates in Church music activities, Raul is not a leader, is not in a position of power, and does not have decision making authority.” Above I shared screen shots that show he was clearly the music director, which I believe most would consider to be a ‘position of power’ and that position would come with some ‘decision making authority.’ How could one be a music director and have neither of these? While Rodriguez is not a pastor at the church, from all I have seen, he has been in leadership positions and very heavily involved in the activities of Mount Zion Apostolic Church. Let’s look a little closer.

A clear example of Raul Rodriguez being proclaimed as a leader is found in an April 13, 2015 post on the now removed Facebook page for Mount Zion Apostolic Church. As you can see from the screen shot, he and his wife were proclaimed to be “hardworking youth leaders” and the church “couldn’t wait to see what the future holds for them and their ministry.” Due to him being a youth leader in his local church, he most likely then had the opportunity to be involved with the youth on a District level.

From April 2016 until April 2018 [screen shot], Rodriguez was the Section Three Youth Director for the Western District Youth Committee. Not only was he the Section Three Youth Director, but in 2018 he won an award as the Sectional Director of the year [screen shot]. Anyone being in this position gained additional opportunities to be around the youth of various churches. According to page 91 the 2017 UPCI Manual, two of the duties of a Sectional Youth Director are “to cooperate with the pastors in fostering youth work in the churches throughout the section” and “to be in charge of the rallies of his or her section.”

In 2017 he is seen at the UPCI church in Dinuba for a Section Three Youth Prayer event [screen shot]. If you have read my previous article, you may recall that on October 8, 2020, a jury found Victor Becerra, a former licensed United Pentecostal minister, guilty of 19 counts of child molestation of four minor girls at Calvary Apostolic Church in Dinuba, California where Ronald Bohde is the pastor and Becerra was a youth leader.

In May of 2019, Rodriguez received a Leadership Development Certificate, though I do not know the details on this. In this 2018 Facebook advertisement for a Back 2 School event at Revival Tabernacle, it shows that Rodriguez would be in charge of the music and lists him as Rev. Raul Rodriguez.

Raul has also been involved during Vacation Bible School at the church. The earliest evidence I discovered was from 2009 in this screen shot at the 30 second mark of a video that showed pictures from 2009 through 2019. He can also be seen at the 5:06 mark from 2017 and I believe at the 5:43 mark from 2018. In 2020 he was a guest for and the video producer of the Power Hour of the Sunday School ministry [screen shot] and helped with a number of these [additional screen shot].

In a 2017 video about the music ministry of the church, Rodriguez can be seen singing with others on the platform [screen shot]. If you skim through some of the church YouTube videos of services, you can see him on the platform playing and singing, such as this screen shot from March 29, 2020, this screen shot from April 15, 2020 and this screen shot from December 17, 2020. This YouTube channel was started on March 19, 2020. There is an older YouTube channel from 2014 that only has five videos.

I believe the above examples show some of the extent of Raul Rodriguez’s involvement in the church, as well as the Youth Division of the Western District, that the involvement extends over many years, and that he has held leadership [the action of leading a group of people] roles.

According to Calderon, she has twice attempted to settle the lawsuit by asking that they drop it without prejudice and pay her attorney fees. They have declined. Though the circumstances are different, this lawsuit reminds me of the one brought against Julie Anne Smith (and others) by her former pastor and Beaverton Grace Bible Church. Her attorney filed an an anti-SLAPP motion, the court dismissed the plaintiff’s lawsuit and the pastor/church had to pay many thousands of dollars in her attorney fees.

I am also reminded of two United Pentecostal Church ministers in California, Arthur Hodges III and George Nobbs, who were arrested in 1988 for failing to report child sexual abuse that was committed by a fellow UPC minister, Lyn Meche. Hodges and Nobbs were convicted in 1991 and when they appealed their conviction, it was upheld in 1992. This case is mentioned on pages 130 and 131 in the book, The Clergy Sex Abuse Crisis and the Legal Responses. It is because of the actions of these two ministers that clergy were specifically added to the mandatory reporting law in California.

On August 27, 2021, Meghan (Estrada) Robles gave her deposition for this lawsuit. Below is a video she previously released, where she speaks about the matter and why she is coming forward now.

SEPTEMBER 14, 2021 NOTE: After this article was posted Raul Rodriguez passed away on September 5, 2021, after a battle with COVID. He was just shy of turning 40. The lawsuit is ongoing.

NOVEMBER 6, 2021 NOTE: On November 1, Ron Barker, the father of Stephen Barker and Kristen Rodriguez, passed away.

Added November 14: Sign Emily’s petition here.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

Book Giveaway- Christianity Without The Cross

As with all of our giveaways, this is only open to those with a USA mailing address.

The matter of the Westberg Resolution underscores a serious dilemma in the constitutional structure of the United Pentecostal Church. . . .Issues like this resolution are decisions made by a minority on behalf of the majority which is extremely ‘problematic in terms of policy-making.’ . . .The following group of ministers have been identified as among the constituency of this group which carries the banner of doctrinal uniformity: R.D. Whalen, the late David F. Gray, Paul Price, Billy Hale, . . .John W. Grant and others. Such small but vocal groups maintain a great deal of control. These comments reflect a fairly widespread opinion backed up by an examination of the procedural by-laws of the organization which concludes that because only a small portion of ministers actually attend General Conference the result is that the UPC is ‘a minority policy making organization.’ The high figures estimate that less than one-seventh of the ministerial constituency were present for the discussion on this issue at the Salt Lake City General Conference.– Thomas A. Fudge

This is your chance to receive a used copy of Christianity Without the Cross: A History of Salvation in Oneness Pentecostalism by Thomas Fudge, a former United Pentecostal Church member, whose father is an ordained minister in the organization. Fudge interviewed over 200 people and thoroughly documents information concerning their history. One thing you rarely see mentioned is the fact that one of the two groups which formed the UPC was not as hard line in beliefs as the UPC is today. Some believed a person was saved when they came to God in repentance. This can be seen in the very first edition of their official publication, The Pentecostal Herald, where they invited differing articles on the “new birth.”

To view the first 25 pages of his book go here. You may read an article from a Canadian newspaper which described the then forthcoming book as well as an article by Thomas Fudge concerning why he wrote the book.

This giveaway is a drawing and not a first come, first served giveaway. To enter, just leave a comment to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on Tuesday, December 15 at 8pm (eastern time), after which I will draw the winner. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it. Watch your spam email folder. There is absolutely no cost to enter. Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as they require approval when you are commenting for the first time.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers.

We also have a giveaway in progress for two copies of Diane Langberg’s book, Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church. The deadline is the same.

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Wingless: Kindred Spirits

It stands to reason that parenting doesn’t come with a manual because every child is different. How easy it would be to know exactly when and how a child will react, or calculate the date at which they will begin to crawl, walk, and talk. Or what to do to turn off a public meltdown like a light switch. There are a plethora of parenting books out there, but at the end of the day, one can only glean general advice that may or may not apply.

Adults are the same way. We’re all uniquely created. Psalm 139:14 (NIV) says, “I praise you, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

My interpretation: “God doesn’t make junk!”

We aren’t junk. I know this now. It’s taken me a long, long time to know this. John 3:16 says that God LOVES us. We sang songs about this, even in the spiritually-abusive churches I attended. But why was this not displayed? One minute, we’re worms; filthy rags, destined for hellfire. We slip up even a little, then we’re separated from God and we can miss the rapture and go to hell. The next, we’re singing ‘Jesus Loves Me.’

This thinking kept me bound in fear constantly as the years passed in the church. Fear, depression, anxiety— all symptoms of underlying mental health conditions, exacerbated by my environment. I saw what I perceived to be strong, “perfect” Pentecostals around me, and it slowly killed me inside to know I wasn’t like them. My heart just didn’t feel as… in it. They prayed an hour a day and fasted regularly. I could barely focus enough to pray more than five minutes without falling asleep. Fasting was a no-go for me because of a medical condition.

When I read the Bible— the strongly-recommended King James Version, like a good Pentecostal— I had trouble interpreting the vague, flowery text (one reason I relied so heavily on the preached/taught interpretations). I wanted to read and write fantasy and sci-fi novels, but anything to do with magic and aliens was seen as evil. And so my imagination was chained unless I covertly sinned and wrote in secret (which, I confess, I ended up doing).

And why did I have such a hard time “witnessing” to people? We were constantly commissioned over the pulpit to bring people to church; to tell them our testimony. I could make friends (though it took me a long time to come out of my shell enough to do so), but, over time, I found that I didn’t want to change them. They were my friends because I liked them.

My initial haughtiness I had when I first got into the church had long since faded, and now I felt low beyond low. I thought it was a sin to love myself. How could I lie to people and tell them that church was a bed of roses and there was joy unspeakable when all I felt was unspeakable sorrow? Over and over, I brought it to the altar. I claimed victory. I’d feel great after an evening service, perhaps, but then that feeling would fade quickly. It was nothing but a band-aid on a wound that cut to the bone.

Between all of my own issues and dealing with Stella’s increasing behavioral issues and obvious developmental delays, I began to feel like an overall failure. And the only advice I could ever get from the church was “Pray about it. Give it to God,” or some other lovely platitude. Even at the altar, when I sobbed and begged God to send me a friend, some real support, I would look around to find no one. No hand laying on my shoulder to pray with me. And I assumed it meant I wasn’t worthy. In reality, that probably was not the case, but when you’re so deep in mire, your vision is clouded.

My panic attacks were coming on strong and constant. I became afraid to be around people more and more. I didn’t want to leave the house, or hardly get out of bed when I was home. Thoughts of leaving this world played through my mind on repeat. The house was going to heck in a hand basket, and things were reaching a breaking point. One night, during a particularly bad panic attack, my husband got frustrated and asked me what was wrong with me. I started crying and told him, “I just want to die! I want to die…”

At that point, I should’ve gone to a hospital. Paul should’ve taken me. Looking back, I know that now. But we were in an environment where mental health was still not talked about as openly, and not doing well was not okay. Paul didn’t know how to handle it. He felt as helpless as I did. Somehow, I survived in that moment. I clung to my husband, and we made it through.

After that awful night, I did something new: I sought help from a psychiatrist.

My nerves were riled with anxious energy, sitting in that waiting room. Would I have to lay on a couch? Tell her about my childhood? Was she going to hypnotize me? Would I still be a good witness to her even after she learned of all my issues? I’d heard all kinds of things about “shrinks,” and I wasn’t fully sure what to expect.

When it was finally my turn to go back to the office, I took a deep breath. I was greeted by a pretty, smiling woman with dark, curly hair in a light gray pantsuit. She introduced herself as Dr. Rolling and had me sit in a black, cushioned leather chair across from her at her L-shaped, cherrywood desk. The sunlight was pouring through the wall of windows at my back. It was a pleasant atmosphere.

“So, tell me about yourself?” she asked.

My story came out slowly at first, but was soon pouring out like the tipping of a bucket. Dr. Rolling listened intently, making lots of notes. She didn’t pass one iota of judgment when I told her about my storms, and my panic attacks— any of it. In fact, she showed more empathy than I’d experienced in a long time. And she offered something other than just well wishes.

I left with a diagnosis of ADHD and an anxiety disorder, but more importantly, I left with help. She started me on new medication to try and help alleviate some of the symptoms. It was explained how my brain chemistry works differently and taking medication for mental health was no different than taking it for high blood pressure or anything else. It relieved some of my fears, and from then on out, I felt completely comfortable going to see Dr. Rolling.

The medication did not completely cure my storms, but it took the edge off. As I would find out, sometimes life has a way of getting you down regardless. In 2010, at age three, Stella was kicked out of her Christian-run preschool because of her increasing behavior issues (she’d bit another child). She still wasn’t potty-trained, in spite of our best efforts. Her language skills were mostly echolalia, repeating words and phrases she’d picked up from us or her favorite tv shows. We had her evaluated by a pediatric neurologist, who came back with a diagnosis of autism. At the same time, she was also evaluated and enrolled in the local Title 1 preschool, where they were better equipped to teach kids who had differences like Stella. I left my job at the bank to work from home for my mother’s online-based business so I could focus on her.

The reaction from the church was mixed. Some people were supportive. Others thought she needed it prayed out of her. There were some who insisted she needed it spanked out of her. All the while, I was fed fear-mongering information from various popular sources at the time, and found myself falling into a deep pit of “what-ifs”, and wondering if I was somehow failing as a mother. This did little to aid my nearly non-existent sense of self-worth as a Christian.

In 2012, life began to shift yet again. I gave birth to our second child, Parker, in January. During my pregnancy that prior year, I had joined an online group of women who were all due to give birth at the same time, and formed some life-long friendships as a result. These women weren’t Pentecostal, but they were amazing, just as they were. None of them wore skirts, or had uncut hair. They wore makeup and jewelry, and even used four-letter words (gasp!). But I’d finally found people I could be honest with and talk about my storms to. I was supposed to witness to these women— be an example of the church and Jesus to them, but instead, I found that I loved them just as they were. I was taught that people like them were of the devil, and that they were bound for hell. But all I felt was unconditional love— the kind Jesus showed.

It’s ironic that the church discourages people from becoming “close” with people who aren’t in the church, when Jesus himself chose to hang out with publicans and “sinners”. He went to those that society deemed as less desirable in some shape or form. He fed them, spoke with them, healed them. It’s my understanding that healing can be invisible. It’s not always the healing of a physical wound— sometimes it’s the building of a bridge across an ugly, ancient rift. Or an anchorless ship finding a safe harbor at last. Or… perhaps a lonely soul finding kindred spirits.

From these ladies, I gradually learned lessons of kindness, acceptance, and grace over the many years to come.

In 2013, I was evaluated and received my own autism diagnosis at last. The church people began to subtly pull away from me when I let the news be known. I remember the uncomfortable aversion of eyes. Even the pastor’s wife gave just about no response when I excitedly texted her, because I finally had answers I’d been searching all my life for. It was disheartening. After all, I wasn’t broken, just different! Why did I suddenly feel like a leper among the people I’d known for years?

My 2012 Mommies, however, held me up and embraced me wholeheartedly. It was this love that held me as life at home and church slowly descended into a new phase of turmoil… that would ultimately lead to my exit from the church and the start of a new journey.

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Wingless: The Child Bride

Those first few years in the church felt like a lifetime all in their own. All the conventions, camps, fundraisers… they kept me extraordinarily occupied. At times it felt like a full-time job. Throw in caring for my three younger siblings, and I was a very busy girl!

One thing to know about churches like Church A, is that young marriage is extremely common. With strict purity culture, young people are often rushing to the altar. One funny anecdote I’ve heard is that Pentecostal girls often go to bible college to get their degree in “holy matrimony.”

I completely admit: I was boy-crazy! Between the ages of 15-17 I had four- FOUR boyfriends! (Not at the same time, mind you.) Not that we went on dates. These were “church” boyfriends. Ones that I would see at services and youth events, and chat on the phone with. Perhaps hold their hand. I think I kissed one of them. As far as I would let my teenage hormones take me. (Because, rules.)

In this church culture, if you were still single when you were past college, you were pretty much a spinster. So I was determined that I was going to find my soulmate! I did what any girl did- I sought God like a crystal ball to determine my future path. Was I going to be a pastor’s wife? An evangelist? Part of an highly sought-after music ministry duo? I wanted some sort of mystical prophesy that would show me the face of the man I was to marry. I was a die-hard romantic who ate up (clean, church-approved) Christian romance novels like they were KitKats (because KitKats are the best candy bars, hands-down, no argument. Anyway, moving along…).

Since I had yet to get an engagement ring by the time I was 17, I decided to plan on college. I wanted to attend the local bible college and get a degree in music. The college itself was not accredited (as many bible colleges in the organization weren’t, unfortunately), but you could legitimize your degree by also attending classes through another local religious college at some point.

A bit awful to say, but attending the bible college would give me the clout I needed to advance in the music ministry. In this organization, unless you had the right connections (and honestly, the right look), you could have all the musical talent in the world, but it would be hard to reach people beyond your local church. I’d taught myself to play the piano and wrote my own songs. I felt like I had a calling to minister to people through this music… but I had to play the game, just like anyone else.

I was in a period of time in late 2003, at 17, that I’d finally decided to take a break from the boys and focus on my future. Focus on God. I’d broken up with a boy several months prior because I just didn’t feel like he was “the one” for me (which at that age, sounds silly to even think about). But then one night I went to a monthly youth rally at a small, local church that was part of our organization… and it changed my life forever.

A lot of people will say that love at first sight is a myth. Perhaps, for most people, it just doesn’t happen. But that’s not the case for me and Paul.
Time stopped when I saw him. A few inches taller than me, dishwater-blond hair, and the most gorgeous ocean eyes I’d ever seen. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. And the moment our gazes linked… it’s like there was an invisible magnet drawing us together. And I knew. I just… knew.

I was staring at my future.

We only had a minute after service to say a few words to each other before I was whisked away (I’d ridden with my pastor), but in the following week we both desperately tracked each other down until we got each other’s email address through a mutual friend.

I still have a binder with all our emails and love letters. The first one was an awkward, “Are you the girl I met at the rally?” They quickly escalated from there, diving into emails discussing our lives, and trading views on theology. Paul was (is) highly intelligent, funny, and caring. And musically-inclined! (He played bass at his church). We messaged multiple times a day. He was a freshman in college, and would duck into the computer lab to chat or send me a long email.

A week after a marathon of emailing, he asked me on a date. My first date. Of course, it was a resounding YES! Days later, he was stepping onto our front porch (with my one-year-old baby sister banging on the storm door, having just shed her clothes and diaper for the millionth time that day. She’ll never live that one down.)

The rest is history. One date led to barely a day going by without him making the 35 minute drive to come see me in his Buick with the busted front right fender. Even when I was crazy sick with the flu, he came to let me cuddle up in the crook of his arm, all wrapped up in a quilt, not caring if I got him sick.

Six months flew by, and on May 1st, 2004, when I was only 18, he got down on one knee by a windy lake and asked me to marry him. I was so excited, I nearly pushed him into the lake. But I said yes!

I called my dad to tell him the news. He laughed. His words were. “I think you’ll be a child bride, but okay!”

Our wedding day was set for six months after that. Honestly, it was set so soon because we didn’t want to wait for purity reasons… and I wanted to get out of my house.

Our pastor was encouraging of short engagements. We went through premarital counseling and the whole nine yards. But I’d be lying if I said part of my motivation wasn’t to be rescued by my prince charming like a damsel in distress. I wanted to finally be respected as an adult and to get out from underneath my stepdad’s thumb.

Perhaps my motivation was greater than most. I had basically been a second, teenaged mother to my toddler siblings their whole lives and it forced me to grow up before I was ready. And of course, the church didn’t take this into account. They didn’t care that I was trying to juggle school, children, and now a relationship. Church first, no matter what. Even if you’re burnt out. You don’t take breaks.

And so we got married on a mild, November morning at Paul’s church in another nearby town. After the wedding, we lived in a tiny, one-bedroom apartment in my hometown because it was near his work, but started going to his church (Church B) because the congregation was smaller and we were “needed more”. We used our musical talents there. Paul occasionally preached (though his style was more like teaching compared to the typical stompin’ and spittin’ Pentecostal style, as he is more reserved). I helped clean the church. We taught Bible studies and did outreach. Anything and everything one could think of in a small congregation.

Two years later, I was pregnant with our first child. Even then, there was no slowing down. I’d been working at a fast food place (Paul didn’t make much at the factory, and honestly, we barely had two nickels to rub together.) while dedicating the rest of our lives to the church. Three services a week. Prayer service. Youth services. Music practice. It was absolute insanity. The only slowing down I got was when I ended up with high blood pressure and got put on hospitalized bedrest. Our daughter, Stella, ended up being born a few weeks early via C-section because things got dangerous. As soon as I was recovered, she was held by someone else in the congregation so I could go right back to my duties.

All the while, we were barely making ends meet, even with the new, better job at the bank I managed to get not long after Stella was born. Gas alone was $80+ a week because of how much we were driving back and forth between our home town and the church (25 minutes each way). At that time (during the recession), and when you’re young and broke, it was an exorbitant amount of money. Not to mention the miles on our old, used vehicles that were constantly breaking down. Often times, we were left with $70 or less to feed the three of us after paying the huge chunk of tithe and offering money, and then our bills (because tithes came first).

Postpartum depression hit me hard after Stella came. Motherhood was not the bliss I thought it would be. Reflux aside, Stella wasn’t a difficult newborn by any means. But my hormones were out of whack. I was so tired from working all the time, and going to church all the time, and worrying about money all the time. And there seemed to be no mercy anywhere, because everyone was also doing everything. No matter how hard I prayed, things stayed miserable.

Eventually, I ran completely out of steam and hit the proverbial wall. This storm just had no end in sight. Something had to give. So I did something that I was sure would send me straight to hell: I secretly stopped paying tithes.

It immediately gave us a bit of a reprieve, but with the new expense of having a child, not much. We were still dirt poor and worn to the bone. I still had to ask my parents for money constantly. Because we had gone straight from living with our parents to being married, we didn’t have much experience with how to handle hardships either, much less during a recession. It was a strain on our marriage and our mental health (mine, in particular). Throw in my guilt of now being a “robber of God,” my anxiety was through the roof.

Finally, my husband put his foot down and declared that we were going to switch churches from Church B back to my home church, Church A, because Church A was in the town where we lived, and would therefore save us money we desperately needed. I was terrified of change in routine and social structure, and cried over the proposal, though I knew it was the correct decision.

When switching churches within this particular organization, you have to get the blessing of your current pastor. Then that pastor connects with the new one to give the green light. It’s more like a transaction of funds, rather than a change in attendance. “Stealing flock” is frowned upon, even in cases of abuse. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about grown adults, they are still at the whim of what leadership dictates.

We sat down with the pastor of Church B. Paul explained to him that we were going to start going to Church A and laid out why. Very logical, and to the point. We were going hungry. Our bills weren’t getting paid. We couldn’t afford the gas money anymore. Church B pastor asked details of our finances. He then asked if we were paying our tithes. Though I felt the blood drain from my face as I did so… I lied and said “yes.” (So now, not only was I a robber, but a liar too. Check two for spiritual failure!)

The pastor looked at us and told us, “Well, if it’s just for financial reasons that you’re leaving, I think you need to stay here and just trust God to provide.”

Paul (God bless him) gently reiterated that we were, in fact, leaving. With or without his blessing. Thankfully, the pastor did let us leave on the good terms that we needed for the transition. We weren’t allowed, however, to attend a last service to say goodbye to everyone, as the pastor didn’t want drama/upset. That was painful. But we were free to move onto the next phase of our lives.

But it would be years before freedom truly came.

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