Category: Independent Fundamental Baptist | Page 19

My Mask – IFB Related

The following article is written by a woman who wishes to remain anonymous. It is about Independent Fundamental Baptist churches, though others will also relate.

In my preteen years, I was taught to believe that expressing any negativity in any way was a way to show that I did not actually possess the Fruit of the Spirit (or evidence I was saved). Since the qualities included “joy” and “peace,” any sign of discouragement, depression, sadness, anxiety, was taken as a sign that I was under the devils influence. If I was under the influence of Satan, I was either “backslidden” or not truly saved.

Therefore, anytime I was in public, I was reminded by my mother, or people in my church, that in order to be a “good witness” for Christ (and not give God a bad name in the process), I had to put on my happy face. And I did so.

Anyone who saw me in my teenage years would have imagined that I was living a life of pure bliss. I was smiling literally ALL of the time. I always acted cheerful, even though inside, I was deeply depressed (in fact, nowadays, when I see a girl who smiles too much, I worry for her). I radiated what appeared to be pure joy, “the joy of the Lord,” so to speak.

However, I remember sitting in my room by myself, day by day, and being just so incredibly depressed. I would lie there, reading books or drawing pictures, and thinking to myself, “What is the purpose of living, if you’re just going to die anyway,” “Does anyone really care about me? Why do I actually exist at all,” and sometimes my thoughts would gravitate to how scary death would be. I would imagine my funeral and wonder how many people would show up if I died. I truly believe the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was because of the intense fear I had of going through the torment of the fires of Hell.

I remember one time, passing a note to my friend at church, which said, “If I died tomorrow, would you go to my funeral?” At the time, it seemed perfectly normal to ask such a question.

I sang a lot of “specials” (songs) at the church regarding joy. Here’s an example:

“Happiness is to know the Savior,

Living a life, within His favor,

Having a change in my behavior,

Happiness is the Lord.

The Joy is mine,

Even when the teardrops start

I’ve found the secret

It’s Jesus in my heart!”

But what I couldn’t understand through the years was…why didn’t I feel this joy I sang of? I was living a lie, but was not allowed to acknowledge this fact. It was forced to be a secret buried deep within myself, and I despised it.

My mother frequently read my diary, so I never felt quite like I was able to be honest in it. Yet, I felt a deep desire to write! So sometimes I would begin a journal entry, and I would be honest about feeling bad…then I would consider whether the entry would be a “bad witness” for Christ. I worried that if I was to die that day and someone was to find it, they might think badly of God and therefore be denied the opportunity to be saved, so I would actually erase the entry and change it into something that looked “positive.”

For instance, I would think, “I feel so lonely. Why am I not happy? What is the purpose in life? There is no meaning in anything! The kids told me I was ugly today and it really hurt my feelings,” but I would write, “Today was such a BEAUTIFUL day! The sun was shining and I got to go to church and see my friend. Someone got saved today, and I’m so happy for them! I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow!”

If you read my journal back then, it might have seemed that things were good, but they were actually tragically bad. And this actually was a problem for years into my marriage also. I was unable to allow myself to believe anything was ever bad. This denial caused me to not be able to confront issues as they arrived and I went through much unnecessary hardship as a result.

The Bible NEVER condemns feeling sad, or anger, or any other God given emotions. Our emotions were given to us by God to help us to see and address problems in our lives. They are tools to help us, and they are not sin in and of themselves. Ephesians 4:26 says “Be angry, and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” It does not say not to be angry, but not to allow that anger to cause you to SIN.

David poured out many tears to God, and expressed deep sorrow multiple times, and yet he was considered “a man after God’s own heart.” The Bible says that He knows our suffering intimately, and cares for us. He has experienced the same types of pain we have, while existing in human form on earth, and He knows our suffering and carries our burdens on His own shoulders when we give them to Him. Jesus – even though he was GOD HIMSELF and knew the final outcome of the situation- WEPT with Martha and Mary over Lazarus. He knows our emotions and does not hold them against us. He gave them for us, to help us heal. They are a GOOD thing.

If you have grown up with the idea that being true to who you are, and expressing emotions is a negative thing, or that God would be upset with you for expressing any sad, angry, or hurt feelings, please know that the God in scripture does not EVER express such an idea. Emotions are a gift from God. Being honest with who we are and what we feel is healthy. Being dishonest and wearing a mask is unhealthy and breeds resentment, and continues the cycles of depression. We must be honest with our emotions in order to find healing.

JOY does not necessarily mean that every moment you feel happy. True spiritual joy is in knowing that despite the trials we face here on earth, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and that NOTHING can separate us from His love. We can pour out our hearts HONESTLY to Him, and do not have to hold back our anger, tears, pain, disillusionment, etc. He understands, is patient with us, and helps us to heal with the tools he has given us – our emotions.

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When Extreme Churches Collide

Many of the blogs shared cover some deep, even painful topics. This one will attempt to share a lighter aspect of the abusive church environment – what happens when two such churches compete on the same turf for new converts.

The church I attended (a UPCI breakaway church) had its main headquarters in Waukegan, Illinois. This was a short drive from the Navy base at Great Lakes, and we even had a serviceman’s center on the North Chicago strip outside one of the main gates. This made it very easy for us to travel to the base and attempt to proselytize the sailors; I was stationed at Great Lakes on several occasions and was very active in the base ministry.

We weren’t the only church competing for members on the base. An IFB megachurch (Independent Fundamental Baptist) from Hammond, Indiana sent men from their Bible college to the base every weekend. Their sales pitch included inviting the sailors for a game of football or basketball depending on the season. Most of the students from the IFB church weren’t in the military, but back then it was fairly easy for civilians to access the base as it was before 9/11.

The fun started whenever we met the IFB guys and typically they would try to invite us to the sporting events. From there, the conversation quickly escalated to a debate over doctrine and whether or not any of us were going to heaven. Sometimes the debate got heated when the subject arose about which one of us was “the true church” and which one was a cult. On some occasions it nearly became a shouting match. This wasn’t really a surprise as the pastors of our respective churches were known to bash one another from the pulpit.

What did I learn from the experiences? Both churches drilled Scriptural knowledge deep in our heads, and admonished us to defend our beliefs no matter what. Both churches also encouraged us to be quick to call out who we thought were false teachers. We were also quick to call someone who disagreed with us a cult. The most significant thing I learned was that despite our doctrinal differences, the manner of indoctrination, abuse, and control was practically identical. Our tactics in outreach were basically the same, only my former church was much closer to the base. Our respective leaders were also steeped in controversy; the IFB pastor at that time had numerous allegations of abuse and control, and our general pastor did as well including prison time.

This is why survivor groups like this are important. Our stories cross denominational and doctrinal lines, and we are often more alike than we wish to think.

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Harmed In The United Pentecostal Church Part 4

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. People were also able to respond who exited a different group. I received enough responses to make at least five blogs. These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation. The ones included in this part were from the UPCI or other Oneness Pentecostal group as well as one from the IFB. Each person is separated between using and not using quotation marks. After reading this series of posts, perhaps many will better understand some of what can happen to people in abusive churches. See also Part One, Part Two and Part Three.

Only a robot could come through what we’ve all been through unscathed and without a myriad of mixed emotions, regrets, issues and more to unpack and sort through.

For a very long time, I have been contemplating whether or not to share my story on here, but I feel like it’s time. My biological father joined the UPC when I was around 13 years old. We believe he has bipolar disorder and the structure and strict nature of the church catered to his mental processes. As I got older, I began to realize how warped everything was. He would comment on the size of my chest and say that I needed to “work extra hard to be modest.” He would financially manipulate members of the congregation and our pastor in order to get what he wanted, and since he was a big strong man, everyone feared him.

I specifically remember one night I made him especially angry. I was talking too much, and women are to be seen and not heard. Five years later I was diagnosed with ADHD so it was truly out of my control. He took me by the forearms and threw me against a wall, giving me a concussion. He took away my phone so I couldn’t call for help. But it was all okay because I was “disobeying the Lord so I needed to be punished.” I was so scared for my life that I contemplated climbing out my second story window to run and get help. The next day, I tried to tell my youth pastor about it and all he told me was that I didn’t have the marks to prove it. This wasn’t the only time. Many times I would go home to my mother’s house with bruises, fat lips, and other injuries. He spanked me until I turned sixteen and left. Quite soon after joining the church, my bio father became involved with my babysitter, a woman from the church who was eighteen years younger than him (whom I despised). He told me he was going to marry her. That was the tipping point.

Three years later and many blocked numbers, emails, and a name and address change, he will still occasionally show up at my work or find a way to contact me. I work at a Texas Roadhouse in Wisconsin, and I see a lot of people from my old church come in. Almost all of them have tried to get me to come back. I would tell them what my father had done and no one ever believed me- up until one day, when I was sweeping my section and Jennifer happened to be in the section over with her husband and recognized me. We ended up talking for at least an hour about escaping UPC. It was so great to have someone who not only believed me, but understood what I have gone through.

I guess my message here is that it does get better. I used to go into full blown mental breakdowns when he would show up at my work. Now, I have the ability to have him removed from the premises (I’m so thankful for my managers) without the bat of an eye. I have a stepdad who has agreed to legally adopt me as an adult and loves me more than anyone else has. I have a new family through him, and I have this group as a wonderful support system. Because of the UPC, I developed Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It’s now being treated, and I feel more in control of my future. The church no longer affects me, nor has any power over me. I am grateful to see members from my own former congregation in this group who knew him and the trauma he incurred. After I left I realized just how much the church enabled him, but they didn’t win- we did…..

The stories never end. I always cared for my mother, who lived on $780 in social security, I paid for her phone, medicines, often groceries, etc. And still, the pastor told her, she needed to find a way to pay tithes and offerings.

Sick men, who shopped at Sacks 5th, all family members drove BMW’s, and they made a little lady with $780 who couldn’t afford to live, support them.

My issues happened in an IFB church with a cult-like family. I am STILL IFB.

1. The Bible is now filled with landmines and concepts I’m now terrified of. Prayer is the same way.
2. I was called a harlot for being interested in the man who is now my husband, and it still crosses my mind if I didn’t marry the wrong person because what if I didn’t wait on God and I just married the first person that liked me back, as I was accused of.
3. I would go into full-on panic attacks when a man walked into my place of work passing out tracks
4. I truly thought it would be better for everyone else around me if I was dead. I caused problems for the wife because her husband was always cutting things off because of things I did. And I couldn’t get him to stop. He wouldn’t stop, but for me to back out of the friendship (cult) would hurt her so deeply….it would have been better for me to die….but I couldn’t do it
5. I’m currently unable to handle the idea of the calling that God has called us to (missionaries) because of triggers….but then again, my (future) husband and I were told that with women that had emotional issues like I had, may never make it to the field……..
6. I’m afraid I will never be where I should be spiritually and that God has/will just put me on the shelf…and that that will affect my family

I was yelled at for hours by a man who we had deemed was an authority in my life since my parents weren’t Christians. He had me do chores in his house to keep me away from his wife because he thought I loved her in a sexual manner. He wanted to keep me away from his teen boys because he accused me of fantasizing about them throughout a church service (even forced me to “admit” it once), but he wanted me to spend as little time at my parent’s house because they weren’t saved, and thus a bad influence. He accused me of looking at the billboards and forced me to stare at the back of the seat with my head down when in their vehicle, yet insisted on inspecting every article of clothing that I wore. He told me to burn a skirt… I still remember it was black with little blue flowers and green leaves… because it was too short. It went to mid calf when sitting. He told me to get rid of my heels because they are prostitute shoes, and certain shirts (that his own wife bought me) because he decided they were too tight. What’s strange about it? Goodwill is still a trigger. His wife took me shopping before Bible college and I had several outfits that were fitting for a homeschooler going to Bible college…but those times were special. When I see Goodwill (etc), I think of those times and they hurt…. Then it triggers the anger of what her husband did. But it hurts deeply and I can hardly set foot in a Goodwill without panicking, 10 years ago this summer.

I remember the summer after freshman year… Six days before I was supposed to start courting the man who is now my husband… The man convinced my (now) husband to break things off. I was broken that summer…but I wasn’t supposed to contact any friends from college because they were a “bad influence.” There was to be no contact with my now-husband, though the wife (my friend/mentor) contacted him to find out how his dad was doing since he was supposed to have quadruple by-pass surgery. The man, Randy, assumed that I had made contact with my (future) husband. He berated me over and over again, hurling threats of things he would take away or things he would do that would make my life miserable. At one point…he called my future husband and started berating him. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door….lights off, I huddled up on the floor against the door and sobbed…. He was calling the man I loved, the one I wanted to marry but knew I had hurt so deeply… Now Randy is tearing him apart, causing him more hurt, and there is nothing I can do about it.

It was later that summer that they broke me enough to the point that I had decided I wasn’t ready for a relationship and maybe this wasn’t the man I’m supposed to marry. The only reason I was allowed to go back to Bible college was because I thought I wasn’t ready, the wife had contacted my future husband and he said he wasn’t ready, and that there was a good chance he wouldn’t make it back sophomore year right away due to finances.

My husband too went broke due to the UPCI and his ex wife’s beliefs that were drilled into his head from a young age. She was paying thousands of dollars a month into the church to “build” her and her parents status in the church, but the bills at home weren’t being paid on time and he was laid off from time to time due to work flow! We are free from that church now, nothing has struck us down, and almost five years later the bankruptcy that the “Church” put them in is finally paid off next month! We still tithe to our current church, but not for any other reason as we budget it and it’s not out of our reach!

Part Five.

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IFB: Courage To Be You

Are you a puzzle piece or a an original? Think on that for a moment.

Fit in. We all try to do it at one point in our lives or another. School, work, church, home, sports, social groups, you name it. We’re all trying to sort out some kind of way we blend in. Add in the pecking order in each of these places and things can get downright complicated. Sometimes we lose sight of our uniqueness as God created us, sometimes we allow others to take the reigns, to reshape us, to make us something God does not intend us to be.

What makes things so difficult about sorting out where we belong is that we all have very unique personalities, likes, dislikes, styles, quirks that make us who we are. Thankfully God made us each very individual and that’s a good thing. We all know if we were all the same this world would be very, well, “vanilla.” But it’s those differences that can actually make finding a place we are comfortable a real challenge.

Too often, our unique qualities and personal quirks that set us apart actually end up being enough of a spark that set others in a group off in a negative fashion. Our colorful stripes can trigger jealousy, insecurities, and some of the ugliest behaviors from others. Unfortunately church groups and those claiming His Son’s name are not immune to exhibiting such behaviors. Some of the ugliest, most hurtful and egregious words and actions have been committed by church leaders devoid of God’s love for His sheep and by those who follow these wicked men.

For example, an experience I’d like to share on has been quite memorable in a particular church setting specifically with other women and the narcissistic leaders they manipulate. This was a very small, very controlling borderline cult in the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist sect. We found this conservative group as we were searching for a conservative church home. It was the host church for our son’s school. At first we thought we had found our church home. Things began to unravel in just the first several months.

The veneer of this polished group, lead by a slick narcissist and backed by several handpicked yes-men began to crack and erode. Quickly we began to see and hear some very disconcerting behaviors from several female support staff. The gossip, the vicious backstabbing, the immature high school behaviors were astounding. But we so badly wanted to “fit in” that we ignored it. We also ignored warning signs God gave us of character assassination of others including past deacons and church founders, mind games, and countless problems and investigations around past students, staffers, and members during the 12-15 years this leader and his senior cohort and enabler had been in power. We ignored so much that, in the aftermath, many have asked how we could miss so much.

The truth is, when you so badly want to fit in where you are, you tend to be far too long suffering for your own good. You ignore warning signs God sends. Sometimes you put yourself and your family in such a compromised, spiritually unhealthy-perhaps even spiritually abusive situation that God has no choice but to rip you out of there before the group destroys you.

Sometimes when this happens the damage to you and possibly your family is so great it completely shatters your identity. It can drive you from the loving arms of God. The enemy uses groups and leaders like this to destroy sheep, and the flock as a whole. Satan counts on breaking you so far down that you have an extremely long road to being complete and whole again.

There is a very important lesson to be learned from these experiences. God has crafted us each as individuals, in His image. When we start sacrificing these special unique markings on our personalities in order to please Man and fit in, we are going against His plan for us.

Many nefarious leaders will use twisted, misapplied Scripture taken out of context to justify their actions and efforts to change and control people. These false preachers know they can manipulate people through fear, peer pressure, financial threat, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse. We look at these abusive leaders and marvel at how anyone could get sucked into these groups. Some very successful, intelligent people have fallen prey to the tactics of these wolves and their Jezebels. Why? How can these leaders wield such power?

The answer is often very simple: People want to be loved. They want to give of themselves and their talents. They want to be part of something greater than themselves. They want friends. They want to…fit in, to be accepted. As they consciously or subconsciously search for where they fit, they will often sell off or compromise parts of their belief system and identity in order to meet that goal of acceptance. Bad leaders know this, as does the enemy, and they both use it to accomplish the goal of destroying the individual sheep, and ultimately the flock.

Church should be the last worldly bastion of safety for the Believer. There should be a safe haven where folks of like mind and heart can gather together to lift not only praises but also lift up one another. Church, as designed by God, is to be a cove to protect from the storms of the World There should be a barrier that comes from worshiping together, praying together, bearing one another’s burdens, serving one another, uplifting, loving one another and lovingly help each other grow to fullness in Him. There is to be a spirit of love, patience, kindness, forgiveness, long suffering, and healing toward our Brethren. This is precisely what Christ modeled to us with His disciples. Sadly, this has become far from the norm in many IFB churches today.

So, you may find yourself sitting there, asking how you can avoid a pit of vipers like this. You may even be one of the thousands each year whose hearts and lives-very identities-are shattered by spiritually abusive groups and leaders. How do you avoid becoming a wooly target for Satan and his troop of narcissists?

Strengthen your identity. Delve into Scripture. Know your Bible inside and out so no wolf in a preacher suit can twist and misapply God’s Word to control you. Find your value, your worth in the pages of God’s Word, not in the opinion and approval of Man. Stand strong on God’s Word when you hear teachings that warp and shred His teachings and laws. Do not be afraid to stand as David did against Goliath when a leader is doing wrong, teaching wrong, and hurting His sheep. Have the Godly character to not allow yourself to be controlled and used to damage God’s people.

Perhaps the toughest challenge an IFB Believer has is in taking that Scripture-mandated stand against the wicked who have hijacked a local church. There is a tabu that is prolific throughout the IFB circles. Satan has tricked the IFB sect into compliance to protecting and enabling wolves in preacher suits.

How can Satan take otherwise intelligent, Godly men and tie their tongues from speaking out to hold accountable a false leader who is ravaging what was once an effective church in a community? Simple. He uses misapplication of the “…touch not My anointed…” verse.

Those who do not know their Bibles well don’t know that this was a directive specifically to Israel. It was never intended as a shelter for wicked, abusive leaders to cower beneath, yet that is precisely what they do. Far too many good leaders in small communities across this nation are chided into silence by means of this false application of I Chronicles 16:22-23 and Psalm 105:15. Sadly, they allow themselves to become complicit enablers of those who shatter His sheep and the demise of the flock at large.

To be a person of Godly integrity isn’t hard, but it takes tenacity and courage. To not be manipulated by fear of not fitting in and being accepted by Man. Learn to be ok with being kicked out of a group because you have more Godly character and integrity than the leader of the group and all his minions, Jezebels, and enablers combined. Be courageous and secure in who you are, your God-given talents and stand strong in the fact that you are the son or daughter of the King of kings and Lord of lords. Don’t let fear of sinful men and women compromise who you are….and Who’s you are.

Dear friend, take courage for being who God has made you. Take strength in standing for what is right. Your promise for doing so comes from I Peter 3:14

“But and if ye suffer for righteousness’ sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled;”

Selah.

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If The Truth Fits

Proverbs 10:32
“The lips of the righteous know what finds favor, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.”

The phenomenon of spiritual abuse is very complex. It often includes more than just the leader or leaders who are the spearhead of the attack. Many times, there are abusers who are simply on staff or in the congregation of a broken church group. This makes the impact of the abuse even more damaging because so many people are involved, usually people who are supposed to be trustworthy to the targeted individual.

Spiritual abusers and their enablers will do whatever they can to justify their wicked actions. Just as domestic and child abusers will always have their supporters, so do abusive church leaders. Very often the abusive leader or his minions will seek to destroy the credibility of their target by spreading gossip, lies, and other false information.

The enablers, or yes-men, of an abusive leader will do whatever they can to destroy an abused person or family. Sometimes they will put out just enough dubious information to lead others to make false conclusions. That fictitious info then gets passed on as fact by those folks, and more gossip and slander drivels on to those even less in the know. This can be particularly devastating in a small town where everyone is either related to, married to, or grew up with everyone else.

When a group is especially well-practiced at the spiritual abuse game it takes place in a very slick, almost second nature way. Before long the abusive situation takes on a life of its own and the targeted person or family ends up being relentlessly abused by simply residing in the town they are in. The target or family can end up facing a cascade of fallout from the abuse in the forms of financial, social, emotional, and verbal abuse in addition to the spiritual abuse that comes from twisted and misapplied Scripture.

The most important point to grasp on to as a spiritual abuse survivor is voiced here in Proverbs 10:32. The gossip and slander that the abusive leaders and their supporters employ is recognized by God for what it is: wicked. Just because someone says something evil about you does not make it true. Leaving those possessing an abusive, broken spirit to God to deal with is never an easy task. But it is the only thing that will set the abused soul free from the control of those who are verbally and emotionally abusive to God’s sheep.

Find peace today in the promise that God knows what wicked men and women do to His flock, and He will hold them accountable for their evil when His time is right. Remember too, just because someone says something slanderous about you does not make it true. In fact, the evil they spew about you says volumes more about them than it does to you, especially to those with true Biblical discernment. Don’t buy into what evil men and women say just because they are good at being evil. God knows the truth, as do those who know and love you. Let that be enough.

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