Category: Baptist | Page 12 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Blindsided: Circumcising the Critics- Sermon #1

Following the exodus, Pastor Andrew Ray openly showed the rawness of his wounded heart while simultaneously trying to strengthen and encourage others. He strongly, yet lovingly, warned about the detriments of gossiping and backbiting, and encouraged the older men and women to each step up and teach the younger men and women. Upon contacting any families that left, we specifically stated that it was not necessary to share any details of what led to them leaving, and they did not share. They were broken and battered, and just trying to pick up the pieces in their families. What could have left such wide-spread destruction to the members of our little church? It was not until January 21, 2018 that we realized that the situations were likely not handled biblically when during the Sunday School lesson Douglas Stauffer, an arrogant and seemingly narcissistic man under the pastor, used the pulpit to attack the godly people that left. In addition to his detestable remarks, Stauffer continued to laugh, stating that we need to be gracious with the preacher because sometimes they say things they should not say, “no matter how truthful it is.” An excerpt of the live-streamed message is provided below with the words transcribed, as well as actual links to the YouTube video and Sermon Audio website.

To listen to the full sermon, click here (excerpt can be found at time 22:47-24:17)

To watch the full video, click here. (Church website has finally removed destructive statements & later made the video private.)

Transcript of Message: Douglas Stauffer, Joshua Crossing on Dry Ground
January 21, 2018, Antioch Baptist Church (Time 22:47-24:17)

“We’d like people to get involved. We’ve got a lot of stuff we’ve got going on. And the more people that get involved, and the more people that get tuned-in, the more people that get, you know, [that they] tune in-err-what do you call it? You get involved? Somebody give me a word. ‘Tuned-in’ is probably the best one I can think of. Plugged-in! Did your wife give that to you? My wife does that. She talks to me and I gotta say it out loud. ‘Plugged-in.’ That’s what I- I was turning the key but it was ‘plugged-in.’ Look, we’d love to see everyone get plugged-in. I think that if you become a member, you ought to get plugged-in. And the question ought to be, ‘How do you want to get plugged-in?’

“He said, he said uh, he drives the cart around and picks up people in the morning for the service because it’s a big church down in Florida. Santa Rosa county I think it is. And he says he goes, so they get in the cart, they’re visitors. He starts driving, and they look, and they say, ‘Man, you look a lot like Mike Huckabee.’ ‘No….’ ‘Oh, you’re Mike Huckabee, aren’t you?’ and he says, and finally he says, ‘Yes, I’m Mike Huckabee,’ and they say, ‘No, you’re not!’ [chuckle] Typical church members! Want to argue about everything! Not really. Not in this church. Not anymore. Chapter 4 verse 1 [laughing]. Sorry guys. I had to say it. It just came to mind. You gotta- you know- you gotta be gracious with the preacher. Every now and then we say things we shouldn’t say. No matter how truthful it is.

Chapter 4 verse 1, It came….”

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Circumcising the Critics- Sermon #2” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Blindsided: The First Warning Signs

According to Psych Central, “abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance or like you are ‘walking on eggshells’ all the time. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship. [We are] talking about psychological abuse, which is also known as mental or emotional abuse.”

Spiritual abuse, commonly played-out through any combination of physical, psychological and sexual abuse, is no different, other than that is usually hidden further under the guises of blindly following, never questioning, and certainly never criticizing the man of God. In our case, it took our family-life being turned upside down to finally realize that our church had changed into a toxic, spiritually abusive environment.

The Mass Exodus

Around the time of the church meeting about the pastor and his family, a mass exodus of approximately forty people began. Imagine a family that loved the Lord so much that they completely uprooted their family and moved six-hundred miles south for a Bible Institute. Not only did the Crawfords [name changed for privacy] become heavily involved in multiple ministries, but they were instrumental in organizing and beginning the greeter’s ministry, only to suddenly disappear. But people leave churches for different reasons, though, right? Surely, the head of security can become disgruntled too and decide his family needs to move on. Besides, his family only came from several states away, by faith, without any assurance of a steady income or place to live. It was only a few other families, including one who was close-knit with the pastor’s family, particularly the pastor’s wife. The number of people leaving around the same time was bewildering, but it really hit home when one of the youth leaders and his family said that that Sunday was their last service at Antioch Baptist Church. Every family that left was a pillar in our church, not only in ministerial involvement, but as people that truly loved the Lord, loved His people, and simply desired to please the Lord above all else. They were walking examples of compassion and of what God can do with lives that are sold out to Him.

But after losing about a third of our members within a few months’ time, our church was hurting. One could sense the pain, feeling the wounds and the bruises as if they were physically affixed to the auditorium walls. Still yet, we banded together and pressed forward. I tried to encourage the pastor and pastor’s wife, despite having a newborn to care for, but it seemed like they needed space more than anything. My family was struggling as well, just in a different way. It seemed that every time we got close to a family and started to develop a friendship, they left for one reason or another, but, thankfully, we managed to keep in contact with a few of them after they left.

Growing Tension

Following a visit with one family, whom, for their privacy, we will call the Martins, and after posting pictures of our children together online as well as with their new pet snake, the narcissistic man under the pastor, Douglas Stauffer, commented several times in passing that he noticed I spent time with a “snake.” Back when we first inquired of Pastor Andrew Ray if the Martins were all right and if they were still here, he confirmed they were no longer members, but also stated clearly that they did nothing worthy of having their membership removed. Despite this, when people found out we were still fellowshipping with them and any other families that left, it created a tension that could be cut with a knife. Nevertheless, we continued to move forward because people leave churches frequently for various reasons, and hurt feelings are a common part of the process. Over the next several months, still clueless of the situations that occurred, we attended regularly, served where we could with a newborn in tow, and tried to deepen friendships while hopefully developing other ones. Who were we to judge on either side?

Still, however, when the last two large families left, I had a sinking feeling that something could be terribly wrong. I pushed it out of the way for the time being because arguments happen between families, but I had previously witnessed the pastor’s family treating one of the William’s daughters [name changed for privacy] like last-year’s trash even though she absolutely adored them. Maybe her parents finally had enough and needed a new start. We did not know any details, but it still did not keep us out of the drama within the gossip-ridden inner circle.

Christmas Gift for the Pastor’s Family

Shortly before Christmas time, a dilemma came up in conversation within the walls of the nursery: no one was taking care of organizing the annual monetary Christmas gift to the pastor’s family and the pastor’s wife was distraught. The families who usually made sure everything went smoothly had either left, were overloaded at the church in order to compensate for the workers we had lost, or they had recently welcomed new children into their families. Now, on top of trying to throw together the last-minute details of a party/fellowship because of a lack of response to the emails, no one took charge of collecting the money for the pastor’s family! According to the pastor’s wife, Mrs. Ray, her family counted on this gift every year to buy Christmas gifts for their children, and there were people that would be extremely disgruntled that they did not know how to give. My husband enthusiastically and willingly stepped up to the plate, offering to organize the annual giving in the years to come. I have yet to fully understand why this still bothers me so much, but it was another red flag that priorities and focus may have been misplaced.

The Pastor’s Paranoia of Criticism

Around the time of Pastor Andrew Ray’s fortieth birthday, the church planned a celebration with caution tape, caution hats, and decorations supporting the warning of our pastor becoming an old man. Everyone was taking pictures, but there was rumor that none of the pictures of pastor were to be posted online, despite numerous pictures being permitted in the past. I approached Pastor Ray to ask him directly, to make sure that it would not be problem, and his response was that they have a lot of critics right now who will find fault in anything. They did not want to give them any ammunition.

Around the same time, he began to post strong statements and opinions on his Facebook for all to see, but as soon as there was any question or objection, he seemed to take them as personal attacks. A disagreement about if children should be encouraged to go to college resulted in several husbands (mine included) being tagged in the post and quickly ended. Previously, he always encouraged discussion and differences of opinion, but now, any variance appeared to be taken personally.

Just one example of such public statements online is about criticism: “Criticizing one who is responsible to God for a decision is easy when you are not the one responsible to God for the decision.” While accurate, it conveys the idea that one should never question the pastor or disagree with his actions because he supposedly has this high calling of God. We are all individually accountable to God for our actions, and how we respond to others and the Holy Spirit.

A Single Statement

Near the beginning of the following year, when meeting with the pastor about something completely unrelated to the mass exodus, Pastor Ray made a comment that sent off instant red flags in my mind. He talked about men who came to Antioch Baptist Church, sold-out to God and were sure that this is where God wanted them and their family. Upon bringing their families, however, their wives have issues with the Biblical teachings of submission, and they would pull their husbands away from where God was leading them. I could not shake the idea that he was likely referring to the precious family from the north, the Crawfords [name changed for privacy], who had come down here for the Bible Institute. Mrs. Crawford, a sweet, gentle Christian mother, was an extrovert and an independent woman, traits frowned upon in a church that feels threatened by women. This is the point where I finally started to have doubts about the health of the church my family had called home for four years, because a woman is more than a mindless doormat that is only capable of manipulating and leading her husband astray from God. I later found out, however, that people were already questioning our loyalty because of continuing to fellowship with the families that left.

“Howard Hendricks says there are two kinds of people in the church: the pillars and the caterpillars. The pillars uphold the church with their prayers, their work, and their donations. They build the kingdom of God by the sweat of their brows. The caterpillars crawl in on Sunday morning, sing a few songs, listen to a sermon, and crawl out again, not to be seen for a week.’ From Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow, page 18.”- Posted on Andrew Ray’s Facebook wall in April of 2018

Feuerman, Marni. “21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship.” World of Psychology, 8 July 2018, https://web.archive.org/web/20180202070321/https://psychcentral.com/blog/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Blindsided: Hindsight is 20/20

When joining a church, people desire to become part of a safety network of people of like-faith. They develop close-knit relationships, friendships, and know the ends and outs of fellow members’ everyday struggles. They know who to go to for counsel and where to go to have a good time. They study the Bible together and celebrate new life, even after loved ones have come and gone. Sadly, this desire for a place to belong can be blinding, limiting one’s view to rose-colored glasses, explaining away any possibility of grave deception and wrong-doing that does not fit into the mold they have created in their minds. Christians can become so enamored with the idea of serving Christ and following Him wherever He leads, that they fail to stop and analyze the necessity of potentially leaving a spiritually dangerous situation.

Blissfully Unaware

In September of 2017, we would soon have three children, aged three and under, in our home. I was struggling with perinatal depression and anxiety while preparing for a third round of postpartum mood disorders. Not only was I miserable in the southeastern summer heat at what felt like forty-years pregnant, but I was dreading another year of being socially outcast at church for breastfeeding in the services. I reclused into the safety of my immediate family, not only as we approached birthing day, but in the weeks to follow as I held, comforted, and connected with our newborn baby. I was blissfully clueless about the raging currents underneath of what appeared to be a calm and serene church environment, until about midway through the month of October.

An Unusual Church Service

On the last day of a month-long agreement (with my husband) to attempt using the mother’s room for a month, my youngest was miserable with an ear infection, nursed continuously after short naps in my arms, and of course, the service was not playing on the screen downstairs where the internet was entirely unreliable. After about forty-five minutes of continuous cry-nurse-nap-repeat, I finally stepped out of the prison door to discover that no one was in the nursery. I found out later through my husband that the pastor used the entire church service because supposedly people were talking poorly of the pastor’s family and several members of his family no longer wanted to even go to the church services. The pastor had often considered sending his teenage son to a different church for awhile because our church “[did not] appreciate what we had in [the pastor’s son].” The pastor’s son had always been respectful and kindhearted, but what bothered me the most was hearing that someone had the nerve to call the pastor’s oldest daughter ungodly, an idea almost unfathomable considering her consistently sweet and tender manner. In the end, however, what felt ‘off’ was that a church service was used as a time to bring the pastor’s family before the church. We were brought into a situation that should have been resolved privately, or with both sides laid out for analysis, rather than throwing out general accusations and attempting to rally everyone in emotional support of the pastor and his family. In the end, I decided that this was only a one-time occurrence, and none of my business, but if it continued to happen, it would be a different story.

The Rear-view Mirror

Looking back, I wonder why I did not listen to the red flags firing off in my head after this church service. Why did I not see the ‘us-versus-them‘ mentality? Another service like this never came, but I had forgotten about the one a year or two before when a woman was supposedly messaging the pastor anonymously, tearing him and his family to shreds, and the pastor had everyone vote on if we wanted to keep him as the pastor or not. Why did I not connect the dots? I wonder why we did not leave a year and half before when I was told that I was exposing myself to the men of the church by breastfeeding covered in the service. Why did we not leave when the pastor got up and preached a message on modesty shortly thereafter and talked about being “covered”? Why did we not leave when an arrogant, narcissistic man under the pastor falsely accused us of not doing our “homework” for an international mission’s trip that quickly turned dangerous within a month or two of pending departure?

Why? We wanted to see the best in people and our children had a home there. We had a few friends, though most of the close ones had already moved away. We were involved in ministry, and my husband was longing to grow in ministerial experience and Bible knowledge in preparation for becoming a missionary, his calling and dream for two decades already. The Lord had led us there away from an abusive church, knowing my husband would likely never graduate because of the decision to change membership, and who were we to leave because of problems that came up? The Bible calls us to work through problems, not run away from them, right? Because of our hopes, we were blind as our once-healthier church changed drastically over the course of a few years. Our eyes did not even begin to open until after we saw the true heart of the leadership following a mass exodus of godly people in the fall of 2017.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: The First Warning Signs” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Blindsided: Series Introduction

Walking into the doors of a new church for the first time, the adrenaline of nervous hopefulness rushes throughout the couple’s bodies. The newly married couple is playing hooky on their church’s “Do That Again Sunday,” an annual celebration of their pastor’s two favorite sermons. Unfortunately, this year is the pastor’s twenty-fifth anniversary at the mega church and the entire day is a memorial in his honor. Thus, today, tired of the legalism and focus on grandiosity over souls, the couple steps out, unsure of how to speak and act in a new location with starkly different social norms. Taking seats in the back pew, countless people come up to make their acquaintance, making them feel slightly more comfortable and welcome.

As the congregation erupts in song, it feels like heaven on earth as their loud harmonious voices dance across the auditorium. Following several vibrant hymns, a simple preacher steps forward on the stage. His neatly trimmed, short, black hair continues down through the beard on his face, a shock of freedom after coming from an Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church that never allows men on staff to grow their facial hair. As he opens his Bible and begins to speak, his warm voice is filled with love and compassion, yet balanced with truth and Scripture. When was the last time they heard a message with this much Bible that was not used merely as a springboard for the pastor’s ideas? He is preaching on sin, a subject most welcome after years of hearing their preacher’s weekly soapbox: truth, friendship, and world evangelism. The preacher continues to inquire gently, yet fervently, about Bible reading and daily time in prayer, the actual nuts and bolts of the Christian life. They leave that day spiritually fed, left in awe of the freedom to serve Christ in whatever capacity He has for them.

The couple continues to visit as often as they can get away and quickly develops friendships with the church members who appear to be real and down-to-earth. Most of the men wear suits, but it is not frowned upon to leave one’s tie at home. The women appear simple and realistic, not expected to be fully adorned in layers of caked-on makeup, coordinating jewelry, blazers, pantyhose and high heels at every service. The congregants also appear to have a mind of their own and may express differing opinions. Even the pastor and the choir director differ significantly on music and dress standards but serve alongside each other in ministry and friendship. Even though the new couple struggles to leave behind the ministries they have served in and loved for years, they know they need a place where they can be fed spiritually, and a place for them to feel at home. Five months after their first visit, the couple joins the new church, knowing full-well that leaving their old church will likely prevent the husband from graduating with a Bible college degree. But they are now at a place that their little family can grow, or so they think.

Fast-forward five years and three children later: loyalty in service, ministry, street preaching, orchestra, choir, nursery, baby showers, Bible conferences, an international mission trip and attending a missionary training camp. Add in Bible Institute classes and countless hours of seeking counsel because of brokenness over past spiritual abuse. But the couple is now sitting in a meeting with a narcissistic man who has found his way under the pastor, claiming he can do whatever he wants. Following that meeting, the pastor meets with the husband and tells him that he and his wife are removed from all ministries (except nursery turns out), and the husband needs to start with apologizing to one man in the church, then should inquire of the same man whom he should apologize to next, and continue the process until he has apologized to every man affected by his wife’s actions.

A few months later, the same narcissistic man attempts to intimidate them with an ultimatum pending on if the wife’s accusations of harassment are swept under the rug or not, while the pastor threatens to call a men’s meeting because the husband is demanding that the pastor be present for the meeting to come. All of this takes place because the wife publicly stood-up for previous church members that the narcissistic man ripped apart from the pulpit on multiple occasions, and without remorse. Looking back, maybe they should have seen it coming. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, right? The red flags were everywhere, but they seemed to creep in unawares as the atmosphere changed over time. All we desired was a safe place spiritually to raise our newly growing family. This is our story of the spiritual abuse that still greatly affects my family to this day.

Should we keep this to ourselves because we are not to touch God’s anointed? Will it harm the cause of Christ, or will it open the eyes of the innocent to hopefully establish boundaries to protect themselves from the dangers within their own church families? Why remain silent for a year and half, but suddenly speak publicly on the occurrences?

I actually spoke out on multiple occasions through Facebook posts, Facebook messages, long discussions, and multiple meetings with our pastor and the man under him. Everything was met with resistance, manipulation, and deceitfulness, resulting in greater strains on my family. Now, the man under the pastor, Douglas Stauffer, has found a position of power elsewhere, as pastor of Faith Independent Baptist Church in Niceville, Florida. I could not stay silent then, and I can no longer stay silent now.

Blindsided will take you on a journey of the harassment, gaslighting, and spiritual abuse that took place at Antioch Baptist Church in 2018 at the hands of Pastor Andrew Ray, and a man named Douglas Stauffer. In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these two ministers and the events which led to my departure.

Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Hindsight is 20/20” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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How to love LGBT people: a letter to the church {for the Huffington Post}

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on July 20, 2017.

This post is not intended for debate about LGBT issues, but just to tell my story.

// // //

So I’ve been a Huffington Post contributor for a little over a year now, but today I’d like to share something I’m posting there with my regular blog readers.

This is a journey that I’ve been on for several months now. Here’s my heart, friends. I love you all.

// // //

“But how should we respond?”

Someone asked this in my church’s home group, the week after the Pulse shooting in Orlando.

“My friends in that community are grieving right now, so how do I show support for them even if I don’t agree with their choices?”

The room was full of young families. They had known me for almost a year as the nerdy, awkward girl who moved back here from Colorado.

They didn’t know that I was hanging on their every word because I have dated girls.

In fact, I was currently on several dating apps asking out… girls.

I chose this church and this town, moving back to my childhood home, even though I knew they weren’t affirming, because I loved this place and these people and they didn’t seem like the sort to make a big deal about these things.

But now I looked down at my Bible, barely breathing.

This was the test.

Yesterday I was on the Huffington Post talking about one of the bravest things I’ve ever done. Won’t you join me there?

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