Author: Through Grace

I was raised in a somewhat unhealthy church group within the Nondenominational Christian Church. After graduating high school, I began attending a United Pentecostal Church (UPC). I've been a member of four UPC churches and visited many others. Of the four of which I was a member, I was "encouraged" not to leave the first and then later sent to the second; attended the second where an usher repeatedly attempted to touch me and the pastor told me I should not care about the standards of the organization and was wrong to do so; ran to a third at that point, which threw me out after a couple years; and walked out of a fourth. For these transfers and because I refused to gossip about my former churches, some called me a "wandering star, a cloud without water" (Jude 1:12). I love the fact that when the blind man was healed, questioned by the Pharisees and temple rulers, and expelled from the temple, Jesus went and sought him out. He very rarely did this once someone was healed, but for this man, he did. I believe God has a special place in his heart for those who are abused, wrongfully accused, or condemned by religious leadership. I believe He loves those who are wronged by churchianity--yes, churchianity, not Christianity, because those who do these wrongs follow a church, not Christ. 1 John 4:7-8 7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. 10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

When churches silence, part 4

A few studies have been done on narcissism within church leadership. Not many, but a few. In the general population, results of such studies show that 1-6% of the population is narcissistic. Within church leadership that rate may be as high as 30%… and a few studies demonstrate it may be even higher than that.

Dictionary.com defines narcissism as

extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

One article in Psychology Today describes it as:

grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment.

Sound familiar? Compare this to some of your experiences with former church leaders, or compare it to this list.

Is it any surprise that someone with grandiose views of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others might silence those who would otherwise speak out about their wrongdoing? They require the silence of those who disagree with them to preserve their illusions. They demand it to maintain their control. They need to silence anyone who might oppose them to have any hope of satisfying their enormous appetite for admiration.

But how do they silence? By gaslighting, by shaming, by blaming. By making us doubt ourselves or think that everyone else is on the side of the abuser. By grooming us for mistreatment. By calling us names, dehumanizing us so that others feel less guilty for joining the mistreatment… for making them afraid not to join because if they don’t, they’ll also be mistreated. And oddly enough, also by being silent — by ostracizing, shunning, and giving he silent treatment to their targets.

Have you been silenced by a narcissist or another abuser? How were you silenced? And what will you do about it?

6 Tactics Narcissists Will Use To Silence You
The Sound of Silence

When churches silence, part 1
When churches silence, part 2
When churches silence, part 3
When churches silence, part 4

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When churches silence, part 3

I sat in service shocked and numb. The former pastor’s son had been convicted of molestation. Some of the families and some of those boys were in the congregation. The new pastor was preaching about forgiving and moving on. God would miraculously heal wounded hearts. Just come forward and pray and God will take care of whatever it is. It sounded too eerily familiar. It sounded too much like what the former pastor had preached, about how God would just take care of anything that he or his family was doing wrong, IF there was anything wrong at all. Don’t talk about it. Don’t do anything. Definitely don’t involve authorities. Just pray, and God will fix it.

God does fix some things. But God also made people with brains and hands and feet. He didn’t create puppets and he didn’t make us so that he could drag us around, doing everything for us. He wants us to think and to act. He never told people to remain silent in the face of injustice or wickedness. He never suggested that people should sit by and let sin continue while they waited for Him to miraculously save them from something they should have long since saved themselves from. And he never asked us to sacrifice our children – or ourselves, or HIM – by our silence.

1 Cor 5:1 I can hardly believe the report about the sexual immorality going on among you—something that even pagans don’t do. … 9 When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. 10 But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers…. 11 I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people…..

I’ve had that passage used against me. I was convinced for about a year that if I ate with anyone from my church, I’d be causing them to sin, tainting them with some unknown sin in my life. But when I take out the parts that we heard emphasized in the preaching and look at the rest of the verses in the passage, and especially when I look at it in another version than King James, the words surprise me. Don’t keep company with abusive people? Did Paul reprimand anyone for talking about what the man in this passage was doing? No, he only told them they should not have boasted.

How many church leaders fit the description in verse 11? And should we remain silent?

Yes, there are good pastors. There are good church leaders. But there are also bad ones, and pretending they aren’t there will not make them go away. Someone needs to speak.

When churches silence, part 1
When churches silence, part 2
When churches silence, part 3
When churches silence, part 4

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When churches silence, part 2

I sat in the counselor’s office physically shaking. I’d left the church eight years before, but remembering it… I still physically shook as I described what had happened. And I barely mentioned most of it. I’d been stalked in the church. I didn’t mention that the stalking had been accepted, even laughed about. Or that no, it actually wasn’t the first time I’d been stalked in church… it was just the first time that I was concerned for my physical safety.

I’m beginning to realize that the church is still silencing me.

“Don’t talk bad about the man of God.”
“You wouldn’t want to be a bad witness.”
“We have to protect the truth.”
“I wouldn’t want to hurt them.”

It’s difficult to shake those thoughts even after leaving, and I still think about them even while knowing that I must speak out, in private or in public. I’m still careful. I don’t want to shake anyone’s faith. I don’t want people comparing our stories and thinking theirs wasn’t ‘bad enough.’ Every story is valid, and every story should be heard.

Silence doesn’t stop molestation, stalking, backbiting and gossip, authoritarianism, or narcissism. It doesn’t stop favoritism, judgmentalism, threats, blackmail, negative peer pressure, or manipulation. It doesn’t help people who are hurting, who think they are alone – the only ones, surely, who’ve been hurt by an entity acting in the name of God. And it doesn’t prevent more people from facing similar situations… again, and again, and again.

How many people have been affected by spiritual abuse? We can’t know for sure. The church is silent.

When churches silence, part 1
When churches silence, part 2
When churches silence, part 3
When churches silence, part 4

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When churches silence, part 1

I sat in the counselor’s office in an intake interview, trying to get her to understand why I might want to be in a spiritual abuse support group. It’s been 18 years since I was thrown out of a church, but when I started explaining that time, I was hesitant. By the time I explained what finally prompted me to leave, I realized I was physically shaking.

Even after blogging, even after the newspapers covered stories, even after talking to person after person online, even after talking to others in person, even after eight years, even after eighteen years… even after… I was shaking. A day later, I’m still a bit shaky inside.

Will they understand?
Will it make a difference?
Can I trust them?
Will they believe me?
Do I even believe myself?

The church has been silent. It was silent when I was expelled on a lie. No facts were checked. The organization the church was part of was supporting the church I was in to some degree. I called headquarters. I knew people there… and I was told that every church was autonomous. I was told (though they knew as well as I that not every church in the organization would accept me. I’d been branded, kicked out of a church. “We don’t want trouble.” The person I knew at headquarters told me to just go find another church. And not to talk about it. “Just move on.”

I heard that too much.
“Just move on.”
“Don’t talk about it.”
“There’s no need for anyone to know.”
“We’re trying to protect you.”
“Don’t tell what happened — we don’t want people thinking badly of you.”
“Just hold your peace and let the Lord fight your battles.”
“Just pray about it.”
“If you say anything negative, it’s gossip.”

Why? Why would people think badly of me if I told the truth? If I defended myself?
Since when is it gossip to tell the truth?
How can there be healing or change if no one ever talks about what happened, no one acknowledges the wounds, and everyone pretends nothing at all happened?

When churches silence, part 1
When churches silence, part 2
When churches silence, part 3
When churches silence, part 4

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When the church divides, part 4

I admit, I question groups that tout polarized subjects today. So much of religion, politics, and even social outcries are black and white, “I’m right, and if you don’t agree, you’re wrong.” There is no place for consideration of various perspectives or experiences, or even for consideration of facts outside of those that back what the religion has decided to believe. It’s how I was taught to ‘study’ — find facts that back what you believe. Don’t consider any ‘dangerous’ alternative facts, and I’ve since realized that the only ‘dangerous’ facts are those that are ignored and those that are emphasized while others are minimized.

Facts and even opinions and experiences are only dangerous when they’re manipulated to fit someone’s version of the truth rather than allowed to reveal the truth itself. It’s then that they stop being facts and develop into deceptions wrapped in an illusion of truth… dangerous and very difficult to unravel. My former church and other unhealthy churches and groups have become experts at winding truth in lies. Some, like mine, then proclaim that this truth wrapped in lies is THE Truth, the only truth and the most important truth, to be protected at any cost, including by protecting or defending it with more lies and by ignoring victims of it.

Victims of THE Truth? Victims of the lies they wrap it in and the twisted manipulations of it.

My former churches used ‘truth’ – really their version of it — to divide, to breed distrust and jealousy and fear. How can we tell real truth from pseudo-truth after leaving? It’s not easy. It’s easier to distrust everything referred to as fact or truth. But there is one way I’ve found to distinguish what is true from all of the lies and manipulation: Truth does not fear questions, research, or other facts, even if those appear to oppose that truth. And truth cannot and will not be protected by lies.

When the church divides, part 1
When the church divides, part 2
When the church divides, part 3
When the church divides, part 4

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