Author: Through Grace

I was raised in a somewhat unhealthy church group within the Nondenominational Christian Church. After graduating high school, I began attending a United Pentecostal Church (UPC). I've been a member of four UPC churches and visited many others. Of the four of which I was a member, I was "encouraged" not to leave the first and then later sent to the second; attended the second where an usher repeatedly attempted to touch me and the pastor told me I should not care about the standards of the organization and was wrong to do so; ran to a third at that point, which threw me out after a couple years; and walked out of a fourth. For these transfers and because I refused to gossip about my former churches, some called me a "wandering star, a cloud without water" (Jude 1:12). I love the fact that when the blind man was healed, questioned by the Pharisees and temple rulers, and expelled from the temple, Jesus went and sought him out. He very rarely did this once someone was healed, but for this man, he did. I believe God has a special place in his heart for those who are abused, wrongfully accused, or condemned by religious leadership. I believe He loves those who are wronged by churchianity--yes, churchianity, not Christianity, because those who do these wrongs follow a church, not Christ. 1 John 4:7-8 7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. 10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

Concerned About Fellowshipping ‘Backsliders’

When people leave an unhealthy church, they are often concerned about fellowshipping ‘backsliders.’ They’ve been told we are bitter and want to strike out or pull them out. That may be true of a few, but many of us went to great lengths not to strike out. What we have said has not been said in anger, but to reach out to others who were hurt.

I was United Pentecostal for 19 years. I was thrown out of a church in 2000 on false accusations based on only the pastor’s word or decision. I moved to another state to join a different UPC to avoid saying anything to anyone about what had happened, under the pretense of going back to college. Only the new pastor and his wife were aware that anything had happened, and I refused to blame the former pastor. The new one knew I’d been thrown out, and knew the accusation. I wouldn’t defend myself. I thought that somehow he must have discerned sin in my heart that I wasn’t aware of.

At the new church, people questioned my move and didn’t accept me. I ‘held on.’ In 2003 my new pastor died. The man who took his place eventually started doing things that concerned me. In 2009, I left there after being named in a lawsuit by someone who had told me personally that the basis of their lawsuit was false, most probably as a supporting witness. I left rather than perjure myself or be thrown out for not backing the suit. I tried to find a different UPC. One pastor wanted to ‘swap stories’ about what this church had done to us. I refused. Several others wouldn’t take me without a full explanation of why I was leaving. And so I left UPC.

All that to say this: My story isn’t so different than others’ here. Many of us swore we’d never leave. We left behind friends and sometimes family. We loved God and church and the people there. We stayed as long as we could. But at some point something happened and we were forced to make a choice we didn’t want to make and didn’t plan to make. Most of us experience anger and confusion, but also a deep sense of loss. These boards can be a sounding board for those who are angry or confused, or disoriented by the culture shock of leaving, but more than that they are a place to sort through things, to discover, to learn, to grow… And when needed, to mourn together a loss that most of Christianity can’t comprehend, though the loss originates from some form of religion.

Blessings and peace to you all in the new year.

Blue Christmas

I went to a different kind of Christmas service tonight, a Blue Christmas service. The concept is to acknowledge that not everyone finds this to be a joyous season for a variety of reasons, and to give those people experiencing loneliness and loss the opportunity for a time of “remembrance and reflection.” And for this year, it was more meaningful than pretty much any other service I could probably have attended.

There were only two Christmas songs. The music was a man playing guitar and a woman singing along. Simple. Calm.

I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. Things at work, mainly. I thought. But there’s more to it. As the service progressed tonight, we were called to remember those we had lost. It wasn’t this job and the people who’ve sent messages there that I’m not a part of the team that I remembered.

Seven years ago in 2009 I lost my church, and every friend I had there, plus every friend I thought I had or wanted so badly to have. I lost hope that I would ever fit in there, that I would ever be accepted. I lost confidence in myself, and I lost faith to a degree as well. Not at first, but over time, year in and year out as I faced additional rejection in nearly every church I attended, through three moves and five job changes, and finally even from some of those friends I’d thought I made since leaving who called themselves Christian. And now at work, while a coworker who sits near me says the same things I heard in church: ‘You’ve got to trust God and just leave it in his hands. You can’t care what’s happening. Toughen up.’ Don’t feel. Don’t care. Don’t love? Wait, that’s not God. When did Christianity come to this place?

There is nothing wrong with hurting when people hurt us. And when people hurt us, it’s not because God wanted them to. That would mean God wanted them to sin, because that would mean God wanted them to do something unloving.

I’m not sure I ever allowed myself to completely grieve the loss of the friends I left behind in my former church. I miss them. I want to know what’s happening to them. I definitely haven’t given myself an opportunity to grieve the loss of the positive things I left behind in my former church. So perhaps the fact that I haven’t felt like celebrating this Christmas is a good thing, a way to move forward. And then maybe I can celebrate again.

Sure, the music was contemporary and that surprised me. But they sang my favorite (Mary Did You Know) and a few others. It was just all around fun, and everyone was very friendly.”

Ministering and spiritual gifts

I had a dream last night that I was back in a church like the unhealthy ones I’ve been part of. In the dream, though I didn’t really know anyone, I was asked to “do” a banquet–big decorations, some of the food, all of the set up. In my dream I accepted because I was being chosen to minister. As I was decorating, other were coming to interrupt, telling me they needed things. I told them I had to complete my tasks. (The things they were asking for were petty and whiny, so I still don’t have a problem with having said no.) I drug stuff all over the place, decorated everything, cooked three dishes, got the plates and food ready to be served… and no one would eat. The pastor’s wife then announced that she had prepared individual plates of food already, which would be of more interest. I felt like I’d failed at ministering to everyone because they wouldn’t eat.

When I woke up, I realized something that it’s taken nearly 30 years for me to realize. NEVER, in all the times I was asked to serve in any capacity that was beyond what should have been asked of me or was beyond my talent, was I being looked at for ministry (which is what I’d always hoped, that I’d somehow become part of the inner circle). Ministry at these churches was considered being a pastor, pastor’s wife, church leader, singer, musician, or great speaker. I was (and never would become) any of those.

They didn’t choose me for ministry because there were plenty of people to speak and sing and do all of those things. Those came with position and recognition and praise and were far more sought after. Besides, others got a better emotional response from people. They were respected more highly for ‘letting the Holy Ghost move through them so powerfully.’ I wasn’t good at evoking emotional responses from others, but even when I did, they said it wasn’t enough. Instead, they asked me to do the ‘dirty work’, the behind the scenes, often overwhelming tasks that they either didn’t want to do or wanted to show me or others they could do better, whether I was any good at them or not. It never once occurred to me that whether anyone said it or not, I was letting the Holy Ghost work through me every time I bent over backwards trying to do everything that was asked of me with a right attitude, and every time I did these things because I loved those I was serving.

…

I’ve been to churches that took the spiritual gifts assessments since leaving my unhealthy group, and I’ve run away fast. I don’t want them to know that one of my gifts is giving. I don’t want them to see that I’m a responsible, ethical, independent person who will do way more than any one person should be asked, just to get a job done and just to ‘help’. I know what happens when the wrong people find this out, and I know in the end I feel wrung out and walked over… and too often put down and insulted because I either ‘didn’t do enough’ or didn’t do ‘it’ right.

The thing is, no gift and no ministry should be about someone tagging you to do EVERYTHING. No gift or ministry should leave you burned out and used up. Gifts and ministries are meant to be used cooperatively with others’ gifts and ministries and should leave all of you feeling energized and complete, even if you are exhausted (which sometimes does happen in a good way).

Still, my former church had it wrong. They would say of singers and speakers that ‘the Holy Ghost move through them powerfully’ when the crowd had an emotional response and overlooked those whom the Holy Ghost moved through powerfully, not for a few minutes but for hours and days as they poured themselves into their tasks and into others because they loved God and others or even just because they were willing.

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Unhealthy Groups

I have been part of an “unhealthy group”. There’s really no need to name one… there are healthy and unhealthy churches under most-if not all-denominational banners.

What makes a church group-or any other group for that matter-unhealthy? There are lists published by people more qualified than I about exactly what constitutes an unhealthy group. My unprofessional synopsis is that if the group is consistently demanding or demeaning or a person finds himself doing things for them or with them in fear, the group is probably unhealthy for that person. Someone else may find the group to be healthy, but for the one living in fear, condemnation, shame, or other negativities, it’s unhealthy. And for anyone involved in creating those feelings, putting others down, acting disdainfully toward others, condemning and shaming others, the group is also unhealthy, though they might not realize or want to admit it. Bullies are victims as much as are the bullied.

What should a person in an unhealthy environment do? Some choose to stay there, hoping things will improve. Some try to change the group from the inside. Some ignore the problem or become part of it. And some leave.

I left. It wasn’t an easy decision, nor have things been easy since. Yet for me, it was the very best choice I could have made.

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Responding in Love

How do you respond in love to someone who repeatedly says hurtful things? Who is rude without realizing it? Who puts others down or repeatedly ‘corrects’ them in front of a group? And what do you do when the person does this to several people and makes even more others uncomfortable, but no one in leadership seems to realize it… and even praises them repeatedly and publicly? How do you respond in love when you’d like to just either retreat, hide and never go back… or fight?

Sometimes I think the only way to respond in love is not to respond at all. But am I truly loving others by remaining silent?

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