Author: ThereIsLife | Page 2 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

It’s all about outward appearances

I don’t even like the word “sin” because it gives me a twinge of PTSD. But, let’s just use that word because it’s one that we are all familiar with. In the sect that I was born into, and was in for 33 years, certain “sins” had more weight than others. This was, and is, confusing to me. For example, you can have oodles of pride in your heart (the first sin in the garden of Eden) – even too much pride to humble yourself enough to pray, and as long as you wear the right outfit, go to all of the meetings, and say the right words you are considered “spiritual” and “pious” and “right.”

But if you have a genuine heart for God, and humbly seek His heart and face daily, and are seeking a genuine relationship and intimacy with Him, but you have a one-night ‘mistake’ sexual encounter outside of marriage, you are tarnished forever and your reputation is ruined, and you’ll be disfellowshipped and shunned if you don’t publicly repent (after the juicy details being discussed with elders, or even publicly sometimes). This didn’t happen to me – but I saw it happen to many others. Apparently a sexual transgression by a 19 year old boy is far more evil and grave of a sin than a religious bigot with so much pride in his heart that he would probably never help his neighbor or even smile at “worldlies.”

What craziness! It truly is a fog that they are living in. Where is the critical thinking? Their hearts seem to be closed to God’s Spirit and leading. Sounds like the Pharisees to me. The funny thing is that they talk all the time about how bad the Pharisees were – and sadly they are blind to the fact that they are just like them!

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The Elders – What an Unsavory Bunch of Men

The elders. What an unsavory bunch of men. So much religious pride and self-righteousness. So much heartlessness. I guess they probably got to their elevated position using less-than-savory tactics.

One particular encounter with an elder sticks out. I was in the process of separating from my abusive husband after more than a decade of domestic hell. More than half of the congregation had taken my husband’s “side” and were blaming me for the state of our marriage. They were victimizing the victim even further. I felt isolated and desperate. I was geographically far away from all of my family members, and even my best friend and confidant took my ex husband’s “side.” (Narcissists can manipulate almost anyone into believing their version of events.) My sense of community and support (any shred that I had in this toxic sect) was crumbling. I felt so desperately alone.

Then comes a knock on my door from one of the elders. Who happened to be my ex’s Grandpa. He was known for his arrogance and brashness. I didn’t want to open the door but I was so downtrodden, and such a people pleaser, that I didn’t think I had a choice. My ex was out at the time. So in he came, and stood in my living room and proceeded to tell me that I just needed to have more sex with my husband and that would fix our marriage! Hello!! Why would a woman want to have more sex with someone who has abused her daily for ten years?

Then he did something that I will never forget. I still get chills down my spine thinking about it. He said “He should just get you naked (pronounced “naaaaked”) and make many babies with you.” He then proceeded to visually “rape” me with his eyes (full and prolonged 360 degree ogling body scan, along with sinister chuckle) and tell me how lovely my body was, and inferred that he wished he was my ex. What??! He is an elder and he is supposed to provide comfort and support. He didn’t offer one word of comfort or support, or offer to pray with me. Such a shocking display of how far his heart must have been from God. I shut the door when he left feeling even more traumatized, misunderstood, objectified, abused, and isolated. I guess his grandson came by his objectification of women honestly!

I didn’t tell anyone that this had happened because I didn’t think that they would believe me – that he had just sexually harassed me in my own living room, while I was in the house alone, and while I was at the lowest point in my life. And I was his granddaughter through marriage. On a side note: how would babies fix our marriage? I would be even more trapped and unable to leave, and my ex would have had some more people (little people) to manipulate me with. What ridiculous “advice.” This elder is now in an old people’s home very close to where I live. I don’t have any desire to visit him because he doesn’t even have the conscience to know that his actions were inappropriate. Woman are objects to be objectified, looked at, worked hard, and used, so his behavior – I guess – was allowable within that disgusting ungodly framework.

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What keeps them enslaved?

What keeps them enslaved? In one word I would say “fear.” Fear of rejection. Fear of breaking the rules. Fear of damnation. Fear of freedom. Fear of shunning. Fear of the unknown. Fear of hell. Fear of God. Fear of what other people think. Fear of man. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of being truly and fully human. Fear of being seen. Fear of the “world”. Fear of evil. Fear of committing the unforgivable sin. Fear of being the same as other Christians and not special end-times elitists. Fear of their worldview collapsing. Fear of doubts. Fear of intrusive thoughts. Fear of emotions (“good” and “bad” emotions – both).

Fear of reality. Fear of being “found out” (shame). Fear of social interactions beyond their managed and controlled interactions. Fear of other churches. Fear of Christendom. Fear of the end of the world. Fear of the “rapture.” Fear of being the only one with scrupulosity. Fear of “worldlies” infecting them. Fear of being excluded from within. Fear of constant judgement and gossip. Fear of everything they believe not being certain. Fear of mystery. Fear of unanswerable and difficult questions. Fear of the size of the universe (if God really is that big, then maybe our church doesn’t have a total monopoly on him after all).

Fear of the final judgement. Fear of demons. Fear of the supernatural. Fear of meeting Jesus face to face. Fear of people who have visions or dreams from God. Fear of speaking in tongues. Fear of science. Fear of eternity (will I be lonely and isolated for the whole of eternity, like I am here on earth). Fear of the book of Revelation. Fear of saying “no.” Fear of speaking up. Fear of questioning. Fear of one’s own mind. Fear that one’s heart is wicked and evil beyond help. Fear of Jesus saying “I do not know you.”

Fear of not doing enough for the Lord. Fear of being on the lowest rung in heaven because they weren’t good enough or diligent enough here on earth. Fear of other’s Christians’ displays of worship in spirit and truth. Fear of being shamed. Fear of other Christians’ faith. Fear of thinking for oneself. Fear that they’ve wasted years believing a lie. Fear of apostates. Fear of talking about God in any way outside of the church building…

I think they are enslaved by a spirit of fear. It keeps them compliant, obedient, unquestioning, and in a permanent fog and state of cognitive dissonance. Fear is from the dark side. It is from hell. There is no fear in heaven. Where Jesus is there is liberty and freedom and joy and love. So why are they entrenched in fear and anxiety? Because that’s the fuel that powers their religious and God-less system. 🙁

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Scrupulosity – Obsessive fear of sinning – You are not crazy!

Scrupulosity is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that relates to religious/moral obsessions. The person suffering is overly concerned that something they thought or did might be a sin or another violation of doctrine. Scrupulosity has been the story of my life, since a young age. It was such a relief to find that it had a name, that I wasn’t crazy.

I discovered this about three years ago – three years after leaving the sect. I have a genetic and environmental tendency towards depression and anxiety, and other mental illnesses. From a young age I was obsessed about hell – and not going there. I think that sects and cults and other high-control groups that operate on shame, fear, and control are catalysts to produce large numbers of people who suffer from scrupulosity. They suffer mostly in secret. I try to spread the word about this type of OCD whenever I encounter someone who has been damaged by religion.

The severity of my symptoms diminished by about 80% when I discovered that other people also suffer in this way, and that I am not inherently evil and wicked for having such thoughts and fears. Wikipedia says “It is personally distressing, objectively dysfunctional, and often accompanied by significant impairment in social functioning.” This is a very accurate description.

My main obsession was that I was not saved eternally because of some unconscious sin that I’d not repented of. Or because of the intrusive thoughts that accused me of things like “do you really love God in your heart? Maybe you just intellectually love him?” The intrusive thoughts were destructive and always accusing me of being the worst and most disgusting sinner – unworthy of love and grace because I wasn’t perfect. (Caused by hearing a perverted version of the Gospel). It caused me to repeat the sinner’s prayer obsessively; question whether God was truly a God of love; fear praying to God because he was so big and scary and had the ability to banish me to hell for eternity so I didn’t get warm and fuzzy thinking about him. I also secretly questioned His existence for most of my sect life.

If I could count the energy I spent obsessing about not being saved it would be a sad statistic. What a waste! I am convinced that toxic churches, that are about religion and not relationship, are the birthplace of scrupulosity. Especially when fire and brimstone are preached at toddlers, infants, and young children. In my sect there was no Sunday school, we all heard the same services. They naively think that “oh, the children can’t understand what is being said,” but this is not the case. My earliest memory of God is one of a hell-banishing-monster. My earliest impressions of God were not of a Father of love. Far from it.

The childhood emotions and psyche are not ready for such an onslaught of terrifying things. Youthful imaginations run wild and the monsters under the bed and behind the curtain get larger and larger until the child is already exhibiting signs of mental illness(es) at a young age. All in the name of God. Who in fact is love. And love is an opposing and opposite spiritual force to fear! How ironic.

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Domestic Abuse – Rampant and Minimized

It’s bizarre that their trinity appears to be Father, Son, and Holy Bible. If something is not explicitly mentioned in the Bible then it is not allowed. End of discussion. They seem to forget that God also writes His truth on our hearts, and lives within us.

Here’s an example of how this would play out in the sect. I was abused by my ex husband for 10 years. When I finally came forward and told some of the elders what was happening (at the 9.5 year mark) I was both victimized further (extreme cruelty towards the victim does not sound like love to me) and told that abuse was not grounds for separation or divorce because it is not specifically mentioned in the Bible.

Why would my heavenly Father want me to be a situation where I am ill daily from migraines due to the stress? And where I am so depressed and anxious from daily living in fight or flight (or freeze) mode that I have no will to live any more. Where I have almost lost touch with reality because I am daily gaslighted and made to feel crazy. Isn’t this domestic “hell” that my ex-husband inflicted on me far worse than a single act of fornication (which is grounds for divorce as per Scriptures)? Why would my loving Father want me to be so ill that I can’t even pray or think of Him? So desperate that I cried out for Him to take my spirit home? It’s ludicrous.

That’s what religion versus relationship does. Religion says callously “the Bible doesn’t mention domestic abuse, suck it up princess, and live through this until the Lord comes. It is His will,” and relationship says “your loving Father wants you to be fully alive, free, joyous, fulfilled, healthy, loved, and intimate with Him and others.” Hopefully one day they will understand love and understand that that the trinity is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Hopefully the emotional and spiritual abuse heaped on domestic abuse victims by the Pharisee-like church will end.

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