Author: Random Thoughts

I was a member of a UPCI church for 18 years. I left just before Thanksgiving 2012. I did not leave because of abuse directed at me specifically nor did I leave due to questioning standards. It was what was going on in the church, the gossip about some people. And I had sat on the pew for about 2 years wondering "Where is Jesus? What have they done with Him?" It was truly "Christianity Without the Cross" even before I had heard of that book. I joined Lois Gibson's SA support group that November I left and am glad that I am no longer associated with my former church. And I am thankful for Lois's efforts to educate people about spiritual abuse. :)

Living for God should not be so hard

Why is it so hard to worship God or have any kind of walk with Him?

I ran across a statement similar to this not long ago, I forget where.

The church I was in, when I was first there, seemed to be fun and I had no idea that worship could be so much fun. But then…but then. We had to be there (in church) as it was a requirement. Didn’t we love God enough? We had to shout and dance and cavort. Didn’t we love God? We had to be there at social functions like a pot luck – 100% attendance for the whole church. Saturday morning visitation in the freezing cold and wind in winter and the hot (95 at 10 am) humid mornings in summer. It was another requirement. After all, didn’t we love God?

If we were not jumping around during song service we were not worshiping. Sometimes the altar calls went to 11 pm. Most of us had jobs we had to go to Monday morning (and Tuesday through Friday too). And get up at 5 am to go to the church to pray before going to work. And then the revivals. One year we were having so many revivals I was nearly exhausted but that didn’t matter. Didn’t we love God?

Then there were the standards of dress and hair. Don’t cut your hair. Don’t even trim off one split end. Don’t even pull out the hard knot, pick it out gently (obviously said by men who had short hair). Skirts down to the ankle. A lot of the young women liked the “pencil” skirts and shuffled along. I sometimes hoped there was not an emergency where they had to RUN out of the church to save their lives. Splits in skirts had to be sewn down to the hem line. (Then one day the Pastor said we could sew them down to 4 inches below the knee which helped some). Sleeves down to the wrist. In our hot Kansas summers we could wear sleeves to just below the elbow. It was still too hot.

If you cut your hair you lose power. If you wore your skirt and sleeves too short someone was bound to be lusting after your knees and elbows. Give a Bible study or go to the “Bad Place.” Speak in tongues every single day so you know you still have the Holy Ghost. Pray an hour a day, everyday. Invite someone to church – oh the contests, we had to see who’d bring the most visitors! Read the Bible through every year.

The list just went on and on. I had lost sight of my Jesus. I did not like what I was becoming – judgmental about those who did not come to our church, the one with the Truth. No other church had the truth like we did. I remember sitting on the pew for awhile, thinking, “Where is Jesus? Where have they put Him?”

At one time, I was told salvation is so easy (pre-Pentecost days): Just believe on the Lord, He is savior and He died on the cross. The cross had all but disappeared. Like Fudge’s book: Christianity Without the Cross. Where had the simplicity of salvation gone? Why was it so complicated?

It was man’s rules that dimmed the hope of salvation and grace. Man’s rules that tried to keep people in control and in a church building. We were told God only lives here in this place. And we believed all this.

I don’t read my Bible every day now. But sometimes I pick it up and read a bit and it seems to mean more than when I rushed to read x chapters every night and felt guilty if I missed a few days reading.

Why should we feel so guilty if we didn’t follow all the rules? Why should we feel ashamed? Jesus did not preach that. Paul did not preach that. The Bible does not teach us to be/feel that way. Jesus really got onto the Pharisees about all their rules and regulations. Why do we need all that?

We don’t. Building a relationship with anyone should not be contingent on rules and regulations And so it goes with God. He loves us unconditionally. No conditions except that we worship him only and know that Jesus is the one who paid the ultimate price. That is why He said “It is Finished” and died.

I only hope and pray that those who are still following so many rules will see the light in Jesus and stop all the nonsense.

After Hardship Comes Ease

Verily, after hardship comes ease. ~ Quran 94:6.

What we are not told is that the “ease” after we leave an abusive church (or other situation) may be awhile coming. It does not (usually) happen the moment we walk out the door of that church.

I think the “ease” comes once we can start to forgive people for what they did to us and our families. That can take a long time sometimes. For me I am still working on it. Distance in time between me and the time I left (November 2012) is making things easier. Once I stepped away from that group of people and got my mind started thinking without the United Pentecostal Church glasses on, things seemed better.

One thing for me was that the last couple of years I was thinking “Where is Jesus in all of this?” I was losing sight of my Savior and was believing that the whole church had lost sight of him too. Preaching seemed to be all about hair, clothes, standards, tithing. Things that have nothing to do with salvation. I realized that I had bitten into the apple of a belief system that was not healthy. Gossip was rampant. People strived to be like the Pastor or his wife, not like Jesus. It was automatically thought that if you leave the building, The Church, you are leaving God. Because God can only live in a church where “All the Truth” is told. It isn’t so.

I left to reconnect with God. To see Him the way I did before I joined this cultish religion. Once out of the confines of a place I once thought of as a safe haven, a place to be with God, I discovered once again that He is everywhere all at once all the time.

Yes, things are getting easier day by day. But I still have more of my road to travel.

Stress. Anxiety. Depression.

Stress, anxiety and depression are caused when we are living to please others. ~ Paulo Coelho.

While I don’t think I ever had anxiety or was depressed while I was in my former United Pentecostal church, I did suffer from some stress. Trying to please other people, mainly those in charge, was stressful. Because you could never do enough to please them. Never.

I was sick one Saturday morning and didn’t even wake up until 10. That was when everyone going on visitation left. No one bothered to call to see where I was and I did not call in either. But the next Saturday, in front of everyone, I sure got the filleted-drawn and quartered treatment about not being there EVERY Saturday (as I had for weeks and weeks and on time while others came if the notion struck them). This was the pastor’s wife who called me out. She, who hardly ever showed up on time for some of these functions. But I seriously think she liked making the belated appearance. If you came after she did you are not dedicated to God or the Church.

I always felt that God was so much easier to please than any human agent. Humans just have their own criteria they go by and you need to measure up OR ELSE!

Read Tired of Trying to Measure Up by Jeff VanVonderen if you have problems with those hard to please people.

“What, you too? I thought I was the only one.”

I have random thoughts as I read a quote from a famous person, or a passage in a book, or hear something while watching a movie and it triggers a thought about my former church or perhaps about spiritual abuse in general. Or it may just be a thought that pops unexpectedly into my brain or things that are talked about by others talking about spiritual abuse.

For example, I recently saw this quote: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another ‘What, you too? I though I was the only one.'” ~ C. S. Lewis.

It wasn’t the friendship part, but the “What, you too?” part that got me. When I first joined the spiritual abuse support group, I read a number of posts by many different people and could not believe the similarities between parts of my story and theirs. Many people had been through different situations than me, but still it was all the same in a way. People also told me that my story could be theirs.

I am not alone, I found out. It was not just me. So many of us knew something was wrong at church. But no one else wanted to talk about it. For me I knew to not speak it out loud. It seemed to be forbidden. Whatever it was, I thought I was the only one. So I kept it all pushed down out of mind. And so some of us stayed for years (18 for me) and accepted the abnormal for normal.

Now that I have been out for three years, I realize that some of the early ‘red flags’ I was getting, I should have paid more attention to. Hindsight is always better. Even when you consider yourself to be a rational person who would never get caught up in a cult-like organization.

So if you are here because you want to find out what in the world is going on and “is that really in the Bible?” remember, You are not alone.