Author: Melanie | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Sacrifice, Salvation and Security

Purpose: To understand the power of the cross limitations (if any) of grace.

Sacrifice

Leviticus 17:11 explains the purpose of blood sacrifice, “For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life.”

We see in Isaiah 59:2 that “It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore.” Because of our sins, we had no connection to God, nor any hope of ever being connected, unless there was a blood sacrifice, which was the price of forgiveness. Hebrews 9:22 says “For without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness.”

The only way we could be forgiven was through blood. So, Jesus, being the only sinless one, the Son of God, died in our place so that we could be forgiven by his substitution–sacrifice for our sins. 1 Peter 2:24 shows that “He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right.” I Corinthians 5:21 says, “God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin so that we could be made right with God through Christ.”

Because of Jesus dying as a substitute for us, our sins are forgiven and we take on His righteousness when we become believers. Matthew 26:28 says that Jesus proclaimed, “for this is my blood, which confirms the covenant between God and his people. It is poured out as a sacrifice to forgive the sins of many.” I Corinthians 5:19 explains, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them.” Romans 5:9 agrees, “Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him!” Ephesians 1 also points out that “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace”

There are so many verses that point to these truths that it is impossible to share them all here.

Salvation

What then is salvation? He died for our sins, so does that just immediately make us all saved? What do we have to do?

In Acts 16:30, a man asked this very question of Paul and Silas, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” This was their very simple answer: “They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, along with everyone in your household.”

These people believed, and then they chose to be baptized, but the passage doesn’t hint in any way that the choice for baptism was mandatory to their salvation. In fact, in verse 34, there is no mention of the baptism having any bearing on their joy or their salvation, saying “he and his entire household rejoiced because they all believed in God.“(emphasis added)

Romans 10: 9-10 further explains, ” If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved.” (emphasis added)

Ephesians 2:8, written to the believers in Ephesus states, “God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.” (emphasis added).

Although many of us were taught, or even indoctrinated to believe there was a whole list of things you had to do to be saved, these verses and many more make it clear that God wants our faith in the work of the cross…nothing we can do can save us…not baptism, not living a certain way, not anything.

Last year, several family members and acquaintances died. All were from the generation before mine, all still in the apostolic belief I grew up in. I went to two different funerals, and both were very sad, not only because of losing the loved one, but because of the things that were stated and believed by the majority of those who were at the funerals.

At my own mother’s funeral, my dad (a pastor) insisted on giving the message at the graveside. His entire admitted purpose for his small sermon was “to state the salvation message that some here may not have another opportunity to hear”. As I listened to what he was saying, it struck me anew how unbiblical it all was, and I was filled with sadness for the people who continue to believe it. He said that, “in order to ever see” her again, one had “to repent, and be baptized (using a certain formula), and …..and…..and live a life of holiness (a key phrase meant to imply dress standards)….and…submit to a pastor.”

As I listened, I knew that there were people there who, knowing I no longer belong to this group, were watching my facial expressions. When I first found my place, sensing what was coming, I looked at one of the roses on the casket, noting how beautiful it was, and I allowed my face to reflect the emotion the rose evoked. Then I froze my face in that exact expression, not allowing any change of emotion throughout the entire graveside service.

Yet, inside myself, as I listened to this proclamation of “how to be saved”, inside my head, I was hearing the strong refrain, “Nothing but the blood of Jesus! What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! What can for sin atone? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Naught of good that I have done. Nothing but the blood of Jesus!” I wondered, as I sat there, if my dad has ever stopped to think about what he is saying, or noticed how many “and’s” he added on.

I felt sad for my dad, and for all of the people who follow this teaching. I grew up in this church and didn’t leave until I was nearly forty years of age. I know and love many of these people, who are sincere, but so very “beat down” in their general demeanor. Somehow, they keep striving, and it is never enough. It will never be enough. God sees their works, their weariness, and their anxiety. I’m sure it makes Him sad too, watching those He loves so dearly, as they try to earn what He already freely gave.

Instead of understanding that there is not one blessed thing they could ever do to earn it, they are like the proverbial donkey with the carrot on a stick in front of them, continually toiling for something they can never obtain.

Jesus already did everything that was necessary to save. Our efforts are useless and frankly, disgusting. We can’t earn it or ever do enough. It is actually insulting to think that we devalue what he did by thinking we can somehow do enough to earn our way to heaven.

There is no “and…and…and” about it. It is simple, and in that simplicity, there is actually awe. It requires a lot of faith to really understand that we are completely and totally dependent on trusting God completely and trusting in the blood of Jesus to cleanse us from sin and save us. It requires us to rest in that hope and to stop our thrashing about and striving so hard to do something that is not humanly possible.

Our attempts at righteousness are, to God, as “filthy rags” Isaiah 64:6, speaking of the sinfulness of humanity, points out ” When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags.” Filthy rags stink. They are gross. They need to be washed. They are not fit to be placed at the table.

The only way we can be saved is to have our sins washed by the blood of Jesus…through faith in the work on the cross.

Security

Seeing what sin did to us, and understanding the purpose of the sacrifice on the cross leads us to salvation, but what happens after that? We are still human. Temptation is all around us, and we aren’t perfected. What happens when we sin again?

Some groups teach that every time we sin, we are again separated from God. They say that this requires us to repent (turn around and go the opposite direction) again and to re-experience the cross through prayer and a contrite attitude.

On the surface, that sounds legitimate. However, what happens if we suddenly die after making a sinful mistake and we haven’t had time to repent or pray?

Last May, when I was with my sweet, gentle momma, I saw her in dire emotional distress as she neared death. This experience forced me to begin contemplating this issue in a new way.

We’ve heard all the stories about the saints of God and their confidence and faith, dying peacefully. Because of those stories, (which I’d always believed, even if that seems naive), I fully expected to see that in this case.

Although mom did eventually find a peaceful death, I was very troubled by witnessing the extreme anxiety experienced as she first realized this was the end.

I saw clearly a conflict between sorrow of leaving loved ones behind, and the desire to see ones gone on before. This was something that I’d not considered before, but now know is a normal part of dying. Love hurts, even in death.

Beyond that conflict, I witnessed something that I had never imagined possible for my mother. She was awash in true fear about whether or not she was ready to go.

Mom had been serving God since she was a child. Although imperfect as any human, she was extremely contentious, and had never once turned away from her Christian beliefs or her service to God. My mother was widely known to be a very sweet, loving, and gentle soul who generally exhibited the fruit of the Spirit.

Yet, as she lay, suddenly aware that death was imminent, she cried out to God in fear and anxiety, asking Him to forgive her, over and over. She was yelling out for hours, begging for God to help her be holy. No amount of reassurance from my dad (whom she considered her pastor) or others was enough in that moment to calm the intense anxiety.

The experience was so troubling to me, that I have been haunted by it ever since. She had lived her entire life in a legalistic environment, as her dad was also a pastor in the same belief.

Obviously, I too grew up in the same. I remember often worrying that I’d forgotten to repent over some negative thought, or had somehow overlooked a failure that would “send me to hell”. It used to continually concern me that I’d somehow not done enough, despite my efforts. I recognized her anxiety and fear for what it was.

In the moment, my sister and my father were also aware of the nature of mom’s fears–for dad repeatedly tried to reassure her, then laid hands on her and rebuked the spirit of anxiety. By the time she had passed on, they had re-framed what occurred, altering it to fit with their beliefs. At the funeral, it was described that she “travailed for the lost for eight hours straight”. Those of us who had actually witnessed what happened knew the truth. Although she (believing that my sons and I are “lost”) did use some of that time praying for us to be saved, a large portion of the time was undeniably her own anxiety about being saved.

In this high control religion, indoctrinated with the teachings, we saw God as continually frowning down, constantly aware of any misdeeds. We pictured his frown of disapproval, because that is what was emphasized in our environment.

Knowing what I know now, I was filled with deep sorrow for my sweet, sensitive mother. She was denied the peace and assurance that she was headed straight into the loving arms of God. False doctrine had robbed her and left her afraid. I could not help thinking of 1 John 4:7-19.

Here are some excerpts (in bold is the specific portion that came to my mind as I stood by my mother and held her hand). “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love. God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. All who declare that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love….as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.”

In light of this passage, it is heartbreaking that someone could live almost seventy years showing the love of God, and still be so afraid of being lost.

As I witnessed her fear on that day in the hospital, I remember feeling such sadness and pain, watching her struggle, and knowing that it stemmed from legalistic beliefs about salvation and works. Now, I’m angry. I’m angry to think how peace, love, and joy was stolen from her by years of false doctrine. She knew nothing else. It makes me angry to think of her mental anguish over such an untruth.

I knew my opinion was not welcome in the family, as everyone in the room (outside of me and my boys) was part of the legalism. Toward the end of the day, I had the opportunity to stand right at the head of her bed, with my mouth close to her ear. As she cried out anxiously “God, make me holy,” I’d had enough of trying to “go with the flow”. I quietly whispered in her ear, “you already are holy! The blood of Jesus has already made you holy!” I began to quietly sing a song that one of them had written long ago “I can come to Him boldly, stand in the Holy of Holies. His blood has made me worthy. I can come boldly unto the Lord.”

Hebrews 13:12 states, “So also Jesus suffered and died outside the city gates to make his people holy by means of his own blood.”(emphasis added)

It is incomprehensible to me that a God of love would want one of his precious saints who had always loved him and shown his love to others to suffer the anxiety and distress of coming to the end of the road, feeling as if they still were “not good enough“.

Of course, none of us are good enough by human effort. Still, if our faith is truly in God’s work on the cross, would He not want us to have peace in our passing?

Romans 5:1 “Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.” (emphasis added). This shows the power of our faith in him…not our faith in our own service to him.

If it is His work on the cross that saves us, then putting our faith in anything other than His perfect work on the cross is wrong. It is insulting to the suffering of Jesus on the cross to think we can do anything beyond what He has already done. Ephesians 2:8-10 teaches that, when we trust in our own works (any effort we put forth) for salvation, we are taking away from the work on the cross.

It is the shed blood of Jesus that substitutes for our death. His sacrifice on the cross makes us sinless before God.

So what about besetting sins?

In my above example, my mom had done her best to follow God, as she understood him, all her life. She had worried and fretted over every possible sin and had lived a life of contriteness.

Not everyone lives this way though, and at this point, it seems to me that living as she was indoctrinated to live is perhaps even dishonoring to God, because of the level of fear and anxiety that is present. If we love God and if understand his love perfectly, would there be such a constant fear of displeasing him?

Then, where do we draw the line? Because there is grace, does that mean we just live however we want to live, with no regard for right and wrong? Once we have faith in his work on the cross as the only saving power, does it mean we are sinless in his eyes no matter what we do from that point forward?

(to be continued)

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Drowning In Empathy

I remember the first time I heard the word empathy, which is odd, because as a social worker, I hear it almost daily. But, having been raised in a very guarded religious environment, I had a large vocabulary that included words like sympathy and pathetic, but not empathy. So, what is the difference between sympathy and empathy? The very best way I know to help you understand that is to send you to Brene Brown’s Youtube video, which you can find at this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

To put it in my own words, sympathy is when I acknowledge that another person is going through a difficult experience. Empathy, however, is when I’m able to actually feel those negative emotions that they are feeling, even to a lesser degree. Empathy is getting in the rain with them and getting a little wet when it is raining in their lives, even though the sun is shining in mine. It’s being able to put my feet in their shoes for a moment, even when that means the rocks might cut my feet through those holes in the soles.

Although being a social worker actually requires an element of being able to be empathetic with one’s clients in order to properly serve them, I find that I sometimes have too much empathy–as if there is such a thing. Some days there are just too many emotions that swirl around me, like waves on a turbulent sea, and I am drowning in them by the end of the day. Some people call this ability to feel so keenly the feelings of others “being an Empath.” Others find it a really healthy way to be able to connect with others and be present in their lives for healing. When the overwhelming days come, the professional terminology is that I am experiencing “vicarious trauma.” The remedy for that is to pay attention to my emotions, provide myself with self-care activities, and take it easy until my emotional equilibrium returns to a balanced state.

Interestingly, a person who is unable to feel or express empathy for others is considered a sociopath or psychopath. Feeling empathy for others is a very healthy thing, and it is what creates compassion and kindness in the world. Yet many who have been exposed to abuse of any kind for any length of time will form one of two extremes. Either they will lose the ability to empathize with others, or they become overly empathetic with everyone. While the former creates abusers, the latter can lead to being re-victimized. Needless to say, the former is attracted to the latter because an empathetic person is a great target for someone who is manipulative and controlling.

As highly empathetic people, we also have to be aware of this and on our guard more than others, realizing that we attract these types of controlling and harmful individuals just because we are “too kind” or “gentle” to stand up against it when we are being mistreated. It is important that we find the balance in order to stand up and draw the proverbial line in the sand and firmly forbid that those individuals cross that line. Self protection is something we have to learn, and it is best learned within healthy relationships where we are appreciated for our empathy but also respected as individuals with needs and desires of our own.

When I end the day feeling down and depressed about the situations of others around me, I begin to understand that I am taking on burdens I was not meant to carry. When I am feeling the feelings of others so deeply that I cannot focus on my own life and feel the proper emotions for what is going on right in front of me, it is too much. We are meant to be empathetic individuals, but like everything else, in a balanced way. When I find myself drowning in empathy, I will not be able to sleep at night for worrying about the problems of others, or I will be unable to focus on my family at the dinner table due to my concern for the sadness of a client that I saw that morning.

I have to remind myself, and you have to remind yourself, that I am to use my empathy as a tool to provide healing and support for others. My empathy is not to drown me or cause me to become it’s tool. I am an individual person with a life that is colored by love, sadness, happiness, joy, pain and attachment with my own children, and when I am not called upon in a particular moment to be empathetic, I must learn to put aside my empathy for others and focus on my own life and my own emotions. This is part of living in the moment. This is why mindfulness exercises are important for some of us.

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Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse V

“Jane” grew up in a home where mom was the leader of the house. Jane describes her mom as “an angry, ranting kind of person.” Jane’s mother had “gone through a lot as a child” and got into the apostolic church because she was impressed with how it changed her own mother from a promiscuous adulterer into a moral person.

There were four children in the home, and Jane was the only girl. Jane grew up scared of any deed or thought that might be somehow a “sin.” In her church growing up, she was also taught that if a person wasn’t healed when they prayed for healing, it was because of sin in their life. She said that she was taught the belief that if anyone said “anything wrong, they were going to go to hell at any moment.” This kind of fear was how she lived her childhood. In her church in Texas, they were taught that all the other apostolic churches (much less any other denominations) were “all hell-bound because they didn’t have enough standards. They were lost.” She states that this was hard to accept, because she had some really tremendously nice great grandparents who were moral and loving individuals, but were Catholic. She said she’s often wondered “Why were they doomed to hell?”

Not only did Jane receive a lot of messages of shame and condemnation at church, she and her siblings attended the church’s school, where “mom had to work for free in order for the kids to go to the church school, but the kids had to go to the church school if the family went to church.”

In the middle of this shame inducing nightmare, Jane suffered more than most other children. “The pain I had at home made me more sensitive” to the messages of condemnation. You see, Jane was being molested by her older brother for most of her childhood, unknown to the adults in her life. Her brother that was molesting her was six years older than her and would appear in her bedroom at night to sexually abuse her. She says he was about eleven years old when it started, which meant she was merely five years old. Because of the abuse, those messages at church brought even more shame to her than they did to other children in the same environment. The fear and condemnation was overwhelming for her. She describes a day when her mother was not at home when she arrived home and she was terrified that the rapture had taken place and she had been left behind because of her “sin”–the abuse that was out of her control.

Not only was Jane a victim of her brother’s sexual abuse, but her cousin, who was a year younger, was also molested by him when the cousin came to visit the family. Still, the secret did not come out at that time.

During these dark times in her life, where her secret abuse ate away at her and the shame and condemnation made it impossible to find refuge in church or at school, Jane often found encouragement through fortune cookies at the local Chinese restaurant. She says, “God sent me encouraging messages through fortune cookies.” These messages were such a powerful ray of encouragement in the middle of her pain, that she kept the little slips of paper and still has them to this day.

Finally, Jane hit puberty and her brother found a girlfriend and moved out of the home. Her physical and sexual nightmare had a reprieve. Still, when she was at church, hearing about hell and how everyone outside of her little church group was going to be lost forever, it puzzled her and tugged at her tender, loving heart. “I must care about my friends more than God does, because he’s ready to torture them in hell.” This thought pulled at her mind and she could not wrap her head around how this could be true.

Eventually, Jane moved to another state, married and had children of her own. However, her sexual abuse continued to haunt her and cause problems in her life as an adult and in her married life. Her husband was very supportive and they have managed to work through things as they come along, but Jane began having severe physical issues as an adult. She had to undergo surgeries and treatments, and still suffers from seizures at times. She says she feels that all of that stress and trauma from her childhood affected her health permanently.

Indeed, professionals who work with trauma agree that it can have severe physical indications. Bessel Van Der Kolk, in his book “The Body Keeps The Score” recounts the tremendous amount of research on this subject. He specifically discusses seizures as one of the problems seen often in people who have suffered years of childhood trauma. In another study, “The Adverse Childhood Experiences Study,” research was done on participants who had health problems, and it was found that there is a tremendous link between childhood abuse and trauma experiences and the person’s health later in life.

In the story of Grace, in part III of this series, you may remember that she shared just a few difficult experiences she went through as a child. She was later diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma, at the young age of 28, and underwent surgery to remove her kidney, as well as suffering from several female issues and life time struggles with anxiety.

Although spiritual abuse is just one of many types of abuse, the risk to health and well-being is clearly evident. One cannot constantly inject a child with shame, fear, and condemnation without that child suffering a lifetime of consequential issues from that experience.

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse II
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse III
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse IV
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse V

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Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse IV

“Ginger” is a beautiful young lady, talented and poised. The story she shared with me was in drastic, shocking contrast to her appearance. It was unimaginable what she had gone through as a child, what she continues to experience as an adult.

In Ginger’s case, it wasn’t the church who administered the worst part of the spiritual abuse–yet spiritual abuse it undoubtedly was. She describes that “Everything in life was about trying to obtain a spiritual experience, (speaking in tongues).”

Ginger remembers watching as her mother made her older sister give up a beginning career in modelling to pray “for eight hours every night in order to “get saved.” Her sister still had to work eight hours a day at another job. After many months of sleep deprivation, the older sister finally decided to pretend to “be saved.” Is this not torture? Is this not the type of techniques used by the Gestapo, and by other groups who torture prisoners until they finally give up out of physical misery?

Ginger notes that she saw her sister lose the next 22 years of her life to constant prayer, going to church, no dating, and no hobbies. She was 42 when she finally left the home, then ended up lonely, never married, and too old to finish her modelling career.

For Ginger, it all began at just five years of age. She recalls “Sometimes, we had to sit in a cold, dark closet and pray for several hours. We could not ask to come out because she would say that we “were not interested in Jesus.” We were supposed to pray until we showed some sign of “being saved.” That must have been grueling and difficult for a five year old girl.

She recounts how she was in the closet with her other sister, closer to her age, and that eventually “one time my sister stumbled on a few words and my mother thought that she was speaking in tongues.” Ginger says mom then announced that the sister was “saved”. Not content with that small victory, Ginger’s mother then began to use this to torture the little five-year-old, by saying “everyone in this house is saved except you. You’re the only one who is going to Hell.” Ginger remembers that this was the constant narrative until finally, her mother realized that the sister was not really speaking in tongues.

What does that do to a five year old? Can you imagine her sensitive little heart and the threat of hell, just because she had not spoken in tongues?

She goes on to describe how, as they grew older, “things became more strict. During the summers, we’d have to pray from immediately after twelve noon into midnight with few or no breaks. Once, I had to use the restroom and my mother said “go to the restroom, but I hope that you don’t go to Hell while you are in there.”

What kind of anxiety inducing insanity is that? Using the restroom is a human physical need and here we see her being shamed for having physical needs. We see fear tactics being used without any regards to physical human needs.

Ginger tries to explain her mother’s actions by saying, “Breaks during prayer were frowned upon because the thought that it was the Devil’s excuse to stop a prayer. Therefore, any time that a child asked for a break, they thought that it was the Devil speaking through the child.” This line of thought is hardly rational, so where did this belief come from? There is nothing remotely biblical about this philosophy.

Also, attending games, concerts, etc. were not allowed unless it was required for school. Dating was prohibited. In fact, if Ginger or her sisters even mentioned that they wanted a husband, she took it to automatically mean that they didn’t want God. Interestingly, Ginger stated that her father was not in her life, nor was any father figure in the home. This brings her mother’s opinion about marriage into question, as far as motivation. Was her own past experience jading her view? Yet, as most who perpetuate spiritual abuse, she turned her opinions into a “spiritual” cause, in order to control others.

Ginger reflects that “Sometimes, my mother would play games to see if I was Christian enough. One time, she made a song about me going to Hell and decided to sing it over and over to see if I would react.” What kind of mother does that? She continues to describe these “games”…”Another time, she pretended to be dead to see the manner in which I would react.” These descriptions are reflections of the manipulative nature of spiritual abuse. Using fear and shame to shape someone’s decisions and life are not Christ-like techniques to win the lost. These are tactics used in manipulation. These are abusive tactics that took a “spiritual” twist.

Ginger says that “Studying for school was okay, but mom would sometimes try to stop me from reading textbooks because she believed that the Bible was the only book that should be read.” There are other cases where pastors preached against reading any fiction books. In some cases, the pastor would tell his congregation that it was not okay to read any books without his approval. Why is this so? Think about the history of books in Nazi Germany. Why were there book burnings? Books hold the power to expand the mind and affect one’s beliefs. In order to control Germany, there could be no freedom to read books that might disagree with Nazi philosophy. This is an age-old tool to controlling the minds of people. The Bible is important to read, undoubtedly. However, other books can be necessary as well. Jesus gives us freedom to choose. How can one have freedom if mind control is being used?

Ginger’s mother did not stop the abuse when her children reached adulthood. By then, she had a strong control over their minds. Her manipulation tactics were so powerful that, even then, she held them firmly under her thumb. “She kept changing the rules as to when someone was old enough to move out of her home. At first, she said it was after high school. When I graduated, it became the age of 21. When I was turning 21, my mother suddenly received a message from God that I should never marry because ‘God doesn’t like marriage.’ She also changed the age that I could move out to 25.” Here again, what was with the hatred towards marriage? Is it not possible that mother had some unresolved issues with marriage that tainted her view of the subject?

Ginger continues to describe her early adulthood in the home. “During those years, I also had a very strict curfew. Mom had to open and close all doors upon me entering or leaving the house. I could not talk to anyone on the phone without her knowledge, and I wasn’t allowed to do any hobbies for too long without her interrupting and telling me that I was putting the activity “before God.” During this time, I received interviews at the Peabody Conservatory and the Julliard School to study music, but my mother completely prohibited this, saying that I would “go to Hell” if she could not see me, to verify that I was reading the Bible and praying.” Do you hear the control in this? Is this really about spirituality? Is there truly anything righteous in this? What about the command to “save yourself from this untoward generation?” Mom felt she alone was in control of Ginger’s ability to be saved. What a terrible burden to take upon oneself!

Ginger describes how she finally broke free. “Finally, I figured out that she would never let me leave, and I moved out suddenly at the age of thirty without her expecting it. She had a lot of verbal tantrums over the phone, excluded me from a lot of family activities, and gave a lot of silent treatment before she accepted it. She still checks on me from time to time to make sure that I’m ‘still a virgin.'” That last sentence is beyond insane. This is an attractive, intelligent, and successful woman in her thirties, yet her mother still insists on trying to control her from afar. Instead of being proud of the fine young woman she has become, she continues to inquire about private parts of her life and to put her down for her choices to be independent and healthy.

Ginger says that her mother learned most of the rules from the United Pentecostal church they attended, but that they did not see how her mother acted in the home.

She does recall that, “some of our neighbors also attended the church and they didn’t think anything was wrong. I could sometimes hear their kids screaming while being brutally spanked.”

She shares that the church did have slightly different rules on dating. “They allowed it, but only in public and no touching. Also, the woman didn’t have to be attracted to the man but she was still encouraged to accept the date.”

When I asked Ginger how she is affected in her adult life, she shared that she has had to block her family on social media, and she just visits occasionally. She says “I can only have a normal life by keeping my life separate and only visiting on the holidays.” She says that one sister is still trapped, living at home with mom, and that her sister acts maliciously towards Ginger because Ginger has found freedom.

I was impressed with what Ginger has accomplished in her life, in spite of this traumatic upbringing. To be robbed of one’s childhood is a great tragedy. Children must be allowed to play and to explore as part of normal development. To deprive them of this in order to make them pray for so many hours a day under fear of hell fire is terrible child abuse.

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Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse III

In my career as a social worker, we have case studies that we use to examine a person’s life story in order to assess and evaluate how to best help the individual. When we are sharing with other professionals, we give the individual client a made up name in order to protect their privacy.

I have chosen this method to introduce to you some people I have known who have shared with me their stories of being raised in a spiritually abusive environment. Because of being raised in such a climate, many of these individuals still have parents or other family members who are in these groups, and therefore do not want to be identified in a public blog, due to the very difficult task of trying to maintain family relations with loved ones who are still in the group. I have honored their need for confidentiality.

Grace was born into the spiritually abusive environment she now believes to be a cult. Her father was a United Pentecostal Church ordained minister, and both grandfathers were also ordained in the same organization. Grace’s parents were evangelists, traveling around and preaching almost every night of the week for different churches in the United States. This was many years ago and Grace’s parents traveled by auto, staying in the homes of the pastors for which they preached.

During this time period, Grace was approximately two months old when her father decided one day that her screaming was “anger”, and that she was “throwing a tantrum.” He spanked her infant legs with his hand, a couple of swats to make it sting and begin teaching her early that “anger is a sin.” At her next doctor’s appointment, it was discovered that her mother, who’d been trying to breastfeed her, was not making enough milk, and the cries were cries of hunger and tummy discomfort. Grace is unclear about her parent’s feelings in this regard, simply stating that they recorded it in her baby book with a “ha, ha” beside the date of her “first spanking,” even after they knew about the hunger.

Grace says her parents did love her and did not intend to be cruel, but the toxic environment was one both of them had been raised in, and they were simply doing what they thought was right at the time, based on their intense devotion to the God they’d been taught to believe was a demanding God of judgement.

Grace describes how her parents bragged for many years to their saints and to her and her siblings that they knew how to “train a child” to “behave in the house of God,” because they had trained her at nine months of age to “sit on the front row” during song service, alone with no adult. “If you got up or turned around, one of us would come off the platform (her mom was playing an instrument and her dad was leading service) and spank you, then sit you back down. You learned quickly. We know even babies can be trained.” Grace says their reasoning for this was that they were “home missionaries” starting a church and did not have a trustworthy adult yet converted to help watch her during service.

Grace says that some of her earliest memories were related to church. She says she can strongly relate to a title of a pop song that recently became popular, called “Sit Still Look Pretty,” because that was what she was told to do often as a little girl. She remembers wearing ruffled dresses with itchy tulle slips under them, squirming because she was uncomfortable in those clothes as they irritated her skin, but she would often be reprimanded for moving or swatted on the leg if she could not sit still.

She remembers her grandmother being reprimanded from the pulpit by her father, during one of his sermons, because the grandmother was drawing pictures for her to keep her entertained during the long sermons that were completely beyond her ability to understand.

Grace remembers taking candy from a Sunday School room at about age five and then, when her mother found out, she told Grace that it was stealing, it was a sin, and she would be lost for taking candy like that. She was led in a prayer of repentance and sent to apologize to the Sunday School Teacher. She still remembers the heavy sense of guilt, though she really didn’t know it was stealing when she did it.

From age five, when her sense of sin was awakened by the “stealing” event, Grace describes how she would “seek the Holy Ghost” every service, going down to the altar and kneeling there as long as she could stand it to pray and ask for the experience of speaking in tongues. This went on every service for three years, until she finally received the experience at the age of eight. She remembers being baptized “in Jesus’ name” not long before that, and how “I really did feel very clean and light inside,” but wonders if it was the baptism itself or the belief in what it was doing (taking away her sins).

Grace recalls a time around nine years of age when “we were having a shouting service” and she and a friend around the same age fell out on the floor and rolled back and forth “because we had heard them preach about holy rollers being really spiritual”. Adults stopped them from continuing, but she remembers being confused about why they would lift up such a thing verbally, but yet stop the girls from actually doing it. She remembers a mixture of shame and confusion about the incident.

Out of 12 years of education, Grace says only two and a half years were in a public school. “Three years were our own church school, and the rest of the time I was home-schooled.” She says she did not learn some of the things that are normal for school aged young people to learn. “I never learned anything about Greek mythology, and even the philosophers were barely mentioned in the context of Paul’s visit there.” She relates that her education was very poor in mathematics, and that she distinctly remembers her father slapping her when she couldn’t figure out how to do a math problem. She remembers a lot of yelling at her as well, when it came to learning math.

Grace describes herself as a “very shy, timid teenager, easily brought to tears.” She says that, because of the environment, she was highly sensitive and full of shame and guilt that was largely misplaced.

“The church rules…you never questioned them”. She learned as a toddler that pants, cut hair, and makeup were sins for women and she would point out people she saw wearing these things and ask her mother “Is that lady Catholic?” She apparently equated sinfulness with the Catholic religion, as is so often done over UPC pulpits.

No jewelry of any kind was allowed, and strict rules governed the sleeve length and dress length of her clothing. “We stopped wearing short sleeves when I was about ten,” she remembers. No slits of any length were ever allowed in skirts, and sleeves were required to be below the elbow. Hems were below the knee “sitting, standing or kneeling.” She said her long uncut hair was at one time to her ankles, “but we were not allowed to wear our hair down if we were going to be on the platform. It was considered stringy and unkempt.” She remembers that, when going around family members who were not in the group, her parents would make sure she braided her hair or wore it in a bun so that “we will be a good testimony to the family.” Somehow, even though her hair was praised and glorified throughout her lifetime, Grace knew that it looked “like a hippy” when it was down and obviously untrimmed.

Grace calls herself a “girly-girl” because she always loved beautiful things, but says that she had to confine it to lace and flowers for most of her life because most pretty things were forbidden–such as jewelry, makeup, nail polish, etcetera.

Grace describes hearing many sermons about women staying in their place, but mostly from her father’s associates, not from him. She says this is probably likely to the fact that his mother was also a preacher when he was a child. However, submission was a topic that was preached in great doses, especially submission to one’s husband and primarily to the pastor.

Grace ends our interview by relating that she feels the most harmful part of being raised in this environment was the fact that the parents controlled the children to such a degree, and then her parents used the pastoral role to control her even further. “The pastor could tell you to do anything, even if the Bible didn’t say do it. You had to do it because the pastor said and if you didn’t you were going to hell, because the pastor was God’s man and you had to obey him as if he was God.” Grace says that, where parental boundaries fell short, her father was adept at “pulling the pastor card” in order to control her.

“I finally left his church when, as an adult in my thirties, I was told I had to have his permission to have people over to my house and he was in control of the guest list.” This was in his role as her pastor, not her father.

Grace’s story is only one of many that I hope to introduce you to over the next few posts. An entire life from babyhood into middle adulthood can hardly be summed up in this short article, but I have tried to include some of the most powerful stories that Grace shared about what it was like to grow up in this environment, virtually brainwashed by the isolation and involvement in such a group.

(To be continued)

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