Author: Lois | Page 53 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #9: Some Must Return To Remember Why They Left

“If you really believe that, then you should go back to the United Pentecostal Church.” Did I say that? Yes, I really said that to a friend. There was a time I wouldn’t have considered it.

Earlier on, after leaving my former church, there would be times that a friend, or someone I knew online, would return to their former unhealthy group. It used to upset and puzzle me, but that changed after awhile as I gained more knowledge. Being upset was replaced with the realization that some people need to return for a period of time, in order to remember why they left in the first place.

This even happened to one lady, who during her time back in the UPC, wrote a book about returning to them. It was an attempt to help bring in the ‘backsliders.’ She worked in her then-husband’s ministry to get people to return. Then she left again, with no intention of ever returning. We were able to get together once after she left.

There are different reasons people return to an unhealthy church. They may have left before being fully persuaded in their own mind that it was abusive, unhealthy and/or that error was being taught. They may return due to fear. Sometimes the pull from family/friends and the desire for their acceptance is overwhelming. In this post I wish to concentrate on one aspect.

My focus today is what can happen when some time has gone by after exiting. The one who left may start having nostalgic feelings or may be craving the fellowship and excitement they had in their former church. They may not have gained many new friendships since their exit or they may not have found a new church to attend. During this time, they sometimes temporarily forget why they left, or may downplay the reasons, or the other feelings seem so strong that they convince themselves things will be different this time. They may even be fighting the ‘what if they are right’ thoughts.

During a time like this, it isn’t good to make decisions based on emotions or longings for the past. But sometimes it happens and the person finds themselves back at their former church or another in the same organization. They receive lots of attention, hugs, welcome backs and invitations of fellowship. Things feel sooo good! But as time goes on, and the initial love bombing subsides, they start to see once again why they left in the first place…and at times even see and experience worse things. They walk away once more.

If someone you know returns to an unhealthy church or group, pray for them. Sometimes they simply need to be reminded of why they left. God is more than able to keep them and see them through this time in their life.

Book Giveaway!

We have given away books for years as part of the spiritualabuse.org ministry and this will be our sixth one via this new blog area. This is your chance to receive one or more free books on various issues.

The first people with a USA mailing address who respond will receive their choice of books at no charge to them. (Unfortunately, it is cost prohibitive to mail these books outside of the USA. Canadians with a USA mailing address are welcome to request books.) To respond, just leave a comment for this post. If you are unsure what any book is about, the links will take you to Amazon where you may read their description and reviews.

Up for grabs are several used books:

~~One hardback copy of Choices~~ by Melody Beattie. TAKEN
~~One paperback copy of Facing Codependence~~ by Pia Mellody. There is some underlining in the very beginning of the book. TAKEN
Three paperback copies of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. One copy has numerous pencil markings and another has some highlighting, but both are still very readable.
~~One paperback copy of Recovery From Codependency~~ by Dale & Juanita Ryan. TAKEN
One hardback copy of How People Grow by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. It has a little highlighting.
One paperback copy of Safe People by Henry Cloud & John Townsend.
Three hardback copies of Boundaries by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. One has a little highlighting. ONE TAKEN
~~One hardback copy of Boundaries plus the paperback workbook~~ by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. TAKEN
Three hardback copies of When God Doesn’t Make Sense by James Dobson. ONE TAKEN
~~One hardback and one paperback copy of The Jesus I Never Knew~~ by Philip Yancey. TAKEN
~~One hardback and one paperback~~ copy of What’s So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey. TAKEN
~~One hardback copy of Releasing The Bonds~~ by Steven Hassan. TAKEN
~~One hardback copy of Recovering From Churches That Abuse~~ by Ronald Enroth. TAKEN
One hardback copy of Boundaries With Teens by John Townsend.
One hardback copy of Boundaries With Kids by Henry Cloud & John Townsend.

The first people with a USA mailing address who respond will receive their choice of book(s) at no charge to them. To respond, just leave a comment for this post. Please understand that comments require approval unless you have previously commented. So while it may look like you are first or second, there may be someone ahead of you whose comment is pending. Be sure to use your actual email address when setting up to comment as I will be contacting you through it. Check your spam folder as email sometimes goes there. (For your privacy, do not put the email or address in your actual comment.)

Be sure to mention in your comment which book(s) you would like and you may refer to them by number. There is no limit on how many you may request, though you may only have one copy of any title.

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #8: The Way Of The Transgressor Is Hard!

You left an unhealthy church and now something bad happened. Perhaps you had an accident, lost your job, have a financial problem or an affliction in your body. Certain fearful words that you heard dozens of times echo in your mind, “The way of the transgressor is hard…”

Your former pastor would warn of what awaits the person who leaves, sometimes adding stories of frightful things that allegedly happened to others. They are considered backslid as they walked away from ‘truth.’ Oh, the tales of the auto accidents, even deaths, may ring in your ears. Perhaps they were right and you are backslid, maybe even without hope.

It is interesting how, at times like these, we forget all the bad things that happened while we were in our former churches. In a post awhile back, I shared: “I recall all kinds of bad things happening to people who were in my former church. A home burned down, there were all kinds of vehicle and job problems, car accidents, financial difficulties, marriage trouble and divorces, and people getting diseases with some dying. The church itself was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. It would be an extensive list of woes if everything could be mentioned. Being a member of the church and being involved did not keep us from the things of life that can happen to anyone.”

When bad things happened while you were in church, you probably heard the pastor proclaim, “Many are the afflictions of the righteous” or maybe, “The trying of your faith worketh patience.” The bad would happen because you were following God. Perhaps the devil himself was out to get you. The devil always seemed to be after the church and the people there. He received a great deal of credit he didn’t deserve. But that’s another story.

If you had remained at your former unhealthy church and the same bad thing happened as is happening now, you wouldn’t be thinking you were a transgressor. So why are you now, simply because you stopped attending your former church? Have you walked away from God or have you simply walked away from a particular church? Have you walked away from God’s principles or have you walked away from man-made doctrines?

Think about it. You had plenty of bad things happen while you attended, so why should it be any different because you left a church building? The rain falls on everyone alike. This is life and in life there will be things happen that are bad just because you are alive.

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #7: It Happens To Ministers, Too

Another aspect of unhealthy churches is that the talk, lies and abuse happens to ministers, too. Sometimes we do not think about or discuss this.

When I was involved in the United Pentecostal Church in New Jersey, there was a neighboring pastor from the same organization that my pastor would talk about negatively. He would accuse him of being lax on standards, proclaim that rebels went there (our church had years before split and some who left attended there), and he even put him down for attending a tent revival run by someone outside our group. These weren’t private one on one comments, which would be bad enough, but were remarks openly made to the entire congregation. While sharing about the other pastor receiving his ordination at a district conference, my pastor complained in a sermon that the District Superintendent, Wayne Trout, called him up front to pray for the man.

I knew a minister who was pastor at another church in the organization, about two hours north of us. When that church went through the established process of leaving the organization, various things were said of him. One was that he ‘stole’ the church from James Lumpkin, the previous pastor. He personally shared with me that when he resigned his license, Nathaniel Urshan, the UPCI General Superintendent at the time, wrote cautioning him against leaving & I believe basically saying that those who exit do not end up well. That church is still in existence in 2023 and Terry Smith is still the pastor.

Then there is a former UPCI minister in Michigan, Joel Chipman, who since leaving has been bad-mouthed by his former pastor, Robert Henson, in Flint. I have no doubt that similar has happened to other former UPCI ministers, as well as ones from other church groups.

Anyone involved in an unhealthy church can be hurt, even those in the ministry. When you leave, your name sometimes becomes mud, even though you may have previously given your life to the group.

Join Our Blogging Team

In July 2016 this website started a special section for multiple bloggers using WordPress. We currently have ten bloggers, 160 blog posts and 109 comments. Some blog regularly and others periodically.

In order to make this what I envisioned, we’d like to see a number of additional people blogging, all from varied unhealthy Christian groups/churches. The more people involved, the more people we will be able to help. You do not need to be a skilled writer. If you have been to an unhealthy church, you have a story. There are experiences to share and helpful thoughts of what worked and didn’t work for you as you have recovered. There are a multitude of issues you could write about that could potentially help many, many people.

Please consider joining the blog and adding your voice. You are under no obligation to make a certain number of posts or to post x amount of times in a month. Though I will know who is blogging, you may remain anonymous to our readers. Have you wanted or needed to share about something that happened to you but have not because of privacy issues? Now is your opportunity to do so. Have you been helped by those who have shared their journeys and insights? Now is your opportunity to do the same for others.

On the right side of this post you will see a section entitled ‘meta’ (on cell phones just scroll down past the post) and there you will find a link to register as a blogger. Select a screen name which cannot be linked to you if you wish to remain anonymous. No spaces please. I will contact you with further information through the email address you provide.

Edited to add: This is a Christian based website. That doesn’t mean non-Christians cannot blog here. Just do not promote other religions, atheism or agnosticism.