Colorado United Pentecostal Sex Abuse Cases Part 2

Besides hearing of instances of alleged sexual abuse in a Colorado United Pentecostal Church that were not reported, I have heard from several former members as to how people in leadership there, including licensed ministers, have conducted themselves. I’ve seen one person refer to former members as the ‘Walking Wounded.’ Even though the Bible shares in several places how believers should be slow to anger, it appears some in leadership have chosen to repeatedly, and for years, display the works of the flesh instead of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5). (See Proverbs 14:29, 15 & 29:11, James 1:19-20, Ecclesiastes 7:9, Colossians 3:8.) The apostle Paul instructed Titus about elders among fellow believers and wrote in 1 Titus (NASB):

7For the overseer must be above reproach as God’s steward, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to wine, not pugnacious, not fond of sordid gain, 8but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled, 9holding fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching,

This is part fifteen in a series of articles and part two of the focus on a Colorado church. This is a compilation of allegations from numerous former members against the leadership of this church and the reports cover a span of many years.

I firmly believe that if a minister does not have the heart of a servant, as Jesus taught and showed by example, they should not hold license. Even Jesus himself did not come to be served but to serve others. Ministers and pastors are not supposed to be waited on and catered to by members of a church. They should not be elevated to a place where their actions cannot be questioned, nor should they live extravagantly on the hard earned money of members, when many of those people go without things.

Should ministers seek to have a table at church banquets where they are set apart from non-ministers and have church members appointed to only serve them and their needs? Where did ministers get the idea that they are separate from other believers in the body of Christ and shouldn’t spend much time with, or get close to, them? Did not the Pharisees in the New Testament act similarly?

Should members be expected to clean a pastor’s personal home because the church is having a conference (of course without being paid)? What about members who work for weeks under fear and intimidation on personal parties and anniversaries for the pastor and his family? Is it proper to remove members from ministries because they get behind in paying pledge money for such anniversary services? I cannot see David Bernard, the General Superintendent of the United Pentecostal Church, condoning such actions.

Should a pastor and his family live quite lavishly while there are many church members who are having a tough time making ends meet and while some ride a bus to services as they have no vehicle, while the pastor and his wife drive very expensive cars? Should the pastor and his family expect members to purchase them expensive gifts like a top of the line Jacuzzi or a baby grand piano or request that members help send them on exotic trips? It’s been said that some in the church have been told that “the least we can do is give him our money.”

Why would there be a hidden TV behind a wall panel in the living room (that was made to look like it was the mantle) during a time when UPC licensed ministers were forbidden to own one and all the while preach against it? In addition, why would there be a second TV in the basement with many Disney and other movies for the grandchildren? I have found the whole affirmation statement to be such a farce as through the years I have heard of various ministers signing the document and yet not abiding by it. Or making changes to it or adding a note that essentially nullifies it and these are accepted by the organization.

Should a pastor’s wife, now a senior pastor’s wife, be verbally abusive year after year to church members who volunteered to be in a seasonal church production, belittling them to the point where they are left in tears? One person shared they had to take Xanax for three months to make it through all the rehearsals due to her behavior. This woman has been described by more than one former member as ‘cruel,’ ‘vicious’ and ‘manipulative’. Some members were more afraid of what the pastor and his wife thought than God.

What about a PK, now a pastor’s wife, who regularly scolds choir members and even allegedly physically pulled a woman out of choir for failure to perform a movement she wanted, which the woman was incapable of doing due to the restricted room she had to work in. This leader took the choir member to the pastor’s office and allegedly lied about physically assaulting her. Should a person be screamed at for missing a cue? The fruit of the Spirit is severely lacking in such a person.

Love people. Respect them, serve them, and care for them. Ultimately, the only acceptable motive and the only successful method of leadership is love. – David K. Bernard, Spiritual Leadership article in the November 2018 edition of Pentecostal Life.

Should a visiting minister demand money and anything of worth to be handed over to the church under the guise of obtaining a blessing, especially in a church that already had plenty and was not suffering financially? Some who didn’t have cash left jewelry, shoes, perfume and other valuables on the altar. When one woman regretted giving her wedding ring, she allegedly called the church the next day to get it back and was told it was gone.

Does a pastor have the right to demand that a future wife goes to the husband’s church when two people are planning on marrying (done in order to keep members in the church)? How is it any of his business? Should a pastor be telling church members that he forbids them to have interaction with anyone who leaves the church or to not attend a new work that has started nearby?

Should a pastor use intimidation or guilt to manipulate members? What does it say about a pastor when he threatens a member with a lawsuit or tells them not just to leave the church building, but the state as well? What would you think of your pastor if you discovered he had allegedly harassed a former member, contacting his employer in an effort to get him fired, all because he started a church? Would that not speak loudly of the man’s deep feelings of insecurity (as well as other things)? Should a pastor punish church members by removing them from the platform or their positions in the church for simply attending a service at another UPCI church?

Have integrity. Be honest with God, yourself and people. Periodically ask God to purge you of personal or mixed motives. …When self-interest is at stake, seek the honest opinions of others and, if necessary, recuse yourself from a decision. Look at all sides of a decision or disagreement, consider other points of view, and treat everyone fairly. – David K. Bernard, Spiritual Leadership article in the November 2018 edition of Pentecostal Life.

These are some of the allegations that I have heard about this church and their pastoral/leadership team. These alone are troublesome, but combined with multiple allegations through the years of unreported sexual abuse cause me to be quite concerned. Why are some so fearful of speaking out and reporting these incidents? If these accounts are true, these people are not fit to hold license with any organization, no matter how many in the organization there are who may not have seen things themselves. If these are true, how has this church been allowed to remain in the UPCI? Has headquarters never received any information about them? Do members not realize there is a judicial procedure in the UPCI where ministers can be confronted about wrongdoings?

Below are the personal thoughts, experiences and opinions of just one former member of this Colorado United Pentecostal Church.

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I remember the Sunday night when I decided I would never come back to that church again. I was sitting in church when, just before service, the then pastor’s wife asked the band to do a run through of the night’s special choir song. Before we started, she said in a serious, bitter tone, “I have friends visiting tonight so you all better not embarrass me!” We were about halfway through the song when she flubbed up the tempo, as was typical, and blamed it on the band. “Stop!,” she screeched, bent over with a look of disgust on her face. She then addressed the band by saying that she could not count on us for anything, that we never get anything right, and that it was our fault if the Holy Ghost “didn’t come.”

That was the moment my chin dropped down to my chest and I realized, this is not a place where Jesus – the real Jesus – is welcome. You see, for four years I had sat there, spending close to 20 hours a week at church, sometimes more, missing out on life because of my great commitment to the excellent music we put forth. We were a stellar band and everyone knew it, but when this woman wanted us six or seven players to copy to a T the likes of the Brooklyn Tabernacle, complete with every hit and swell of their full orchestra, it simply could not be done. But she didn’t accept that.

The prior year, I had served in a key position for the church’s massive Easter drama, witnessing behavior that would have been met with legal action in any other setting. This woman, supposedly the ultimate example of a godly woman, exhibited alarming, non Christ-like, and vicious behavior that no one who is called a leader should ever exhibit. Fits of rage, screaming, dramatic tantrums, and hurling objects such as her microphone across the room. Asking people, “Are you retarded?” when they didn’t do something quite to her liking, telling people they were jokes, and belittling even children who fell short of her expectations. It was an outrage.

Yet that is not the whole reason why I left. For the year leading up to my departure, I had pleaded for a meeting with the pastor. I wanted to discuss my feelings and the evolution of my beliefs, which were leading me to question the doctrines of the United Pentecostal Church. My pleas fell on deaf ears and I was continually blown off. But before that, I was “in” with them. I was one of them. I had enjoyed private dinners in their luxurious mansion, valued at more than $3 million according to the county assessor’s office. These people who are supposed to emulate Jesus – champion of the humble and selfless – were the most lavish people I had ever known. They drive Escalades, Porsches, and Jaguars. The husband sports custom Italian suits, expensive ties, and watches valued in the thousands. The wife wears floor-length furs, Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, St. John, Yves St. Laurent, and every other ultra luxury designer bag, shoes, and outfits. The devil really does wear Prada. They take trips to luxurious destinations around the world, often paid for by church members as coerced anniversary or birthday gifts. Yet the majority of their church is poor.

Where is Jesus in all of this? Where is Jesus when their daughter, who, along with her husband, has taken over the church in recent years, grabs people’s arms so hard it leaves a bruise and threatens them when she thinks they’ve attempted to defy her? Where is Jesus when the current pastor, her husband, threatens people and makes false, damaging, and derogatory allegations about them from the pulpit? Or how about when a staff member, who is on the church payroll, gets caught sending racy photos of herself to boys in the church and more? It all gets swept under the rug. Jesus has left that building.

I know more than one woman who claims that the former pastor, now ‘bishop,’ demanded that she stay married to her husband when he was physically abusing her or having extra-marital affairs. I also know that he told me to my face that I would go to hell for leaving his church. I was then dragged through the mud, publicly shamed and excommunicated, like so many before me were. When a man leaves, they accuse him of being gay or an adulterer. When a woman leaves, she’s a harlot. When anyone defies them, there is hell to pay. They make hollow threats and viciously gossip.

They sift the hard-earned money of the poor from the coffers to fund their lavish lifestyles. In their own eyes, they are above reproach and not to be questioned, but they will face the One who knows and sees all one day. And I don’t want to be anywhere near them when that lightning bolt hits. God have mercy and show them the error of their ways while there is still time to correct it. These people are unfit for leadership, and certainly unfit to represent Christ. They are the epitome of the reason so many have negative views of Christianity and, in my opinion, defile the name of God.

1 Peter 5 (NASB): Therefore, I exhort the elders among you, as your fellow elder and witness of the sufferings of Christ, and a partaker also of the glory that is to be revealed, shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness; nor yet as lording it over those allotted to your charge, but proving to be examples to the flock.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

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Colorado United Pentecostal Sex Abuse Cases Part 1

Part fourteen of a series of articles.

(Some statements in this article are what have been alleged by one witness, though there are several others which have corroborated events. There have been no convictions as the case mentioned here was not reported to the police and to my knowledge, the alleged perpetrator has not admitted guilt.)

Many now wonder if there has been a habit of covering up and denying child and sexual abuse in evangelical churches in general—if there is something in the evangelical DNA that makes us hesitant to deal with accusations quickly, openly, and truthfully when there is the suspicion of grave sin in our midst. – Mark Galli

In writing this series of articles, besides all the situations I already knew, others have contacted me about additional instances of sexual abuse in the United Pentecostal Church. Since starting this series, I heard about ones coming from a well-known church in Colorado, which started sounding all too similar to what I have heard about Calvary Gospel Church in Wisconsin regarding failure to report. Between the two sets of asterisks below is what a person remembers from one of the alleged instances. In looking into this situation, I conversed with several people, including eyewitnesses to the service described in this report, and based upon their accounts I do not doubt this took place.

Prior to this event, the wife of another youth pastor had allegedly committed adultery with a member of the youth group, though he was of age, possibly in his mid 20s, and it appears to have been consensual. The couple divorced. It has also been alleged that in the 1990s, the pastor found out that the man who was playing the role of Jesus in “The Messiah,” an Easter production, was having an affair. It is claimed that after the discovery the pastor allowed him to continue in the role as it was close to when the play was being presented. These are not the only troubling situations surrounding this church and they don’t all pertain to sexual matters. One individual shared with me that in their opinion they have never seen a more corrupt district than the Colorado District of the United Pentecostal Church.

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Growing up, we seemed to have a revolving door when it came to youth pastors. They would come and go frequently, and it was always heartbreaking when you got attached to a new youth pastor only to have them disappear in a year or two.

Then, a young, cool youth pastor was announced. He and his wife were the epitome of good looking, well-bred UPC ministry. His adorable wife was the envy of many young girls for her gorgeous dark hair and fashionable clothes, while the youth pastor himself was what many young girls hoped their husband would look like one day. They toted around a sweet chubby cheeked baby boy that we all fell in love with and begged to babysit. We were smitten.

For almost two years, I thought we had finally hit the jackpot with who I will refer to as Youth Pastor X. Things seemed to be going amazingly well, the youth group was thriving, and we felt loved and cared about by leaders at our church.

Then, one Sunday evening, they weren’t at church, which was really odd, as they had just been at youth service the Friday evening before so they couldn’t have been out of town. At the end of the church service, the pastor of the church stood in the pulpit and said we would be having an all church meeting and he asked our visitors to leave at that time because of the sensitive nature of what he needed to say.

One by one, confused visitors exited the sanctuary with the assistance of church ushers who made sure they had exited the building before the meeting began. Dread sat thick and heavy in my chest. This wasn’t the first time we had a meeting like this. It usually meant that someone was being publicly kicked out of the church.

Slowly, my pastor began explaining that our beloved Youth Pastor X had been asked to resign his position at the church. He did not go into a lot of detail but did say that we were not allowed to have any contact with him or his family and that they were currently packing their moving truck and would be leaving the state immediately.

Questions started swirling in my head…what did they do? Was his wife caught wearing pants? Were they going to movie theaters? This was terrible! And we weren’t even allowed to say goodbye!

As my pastor continued to talk, it was disclosed that misconduct had occurred which left them no choice but to ask Youth Pastor X to leave. No further information was shared, though the pastor did take a few questions that he answered very vaguely.

As the next few days came and went, the truth of the story began to circulate. Youth Pastor X was having a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old girl from the youth group. The strange thing? The fault was entirely pinned on the 14-year-old girl. She was labeled as promiscuous and a bad seed. Everyone knew that she was a bad kid, and this just proved it. She must have come onto Youth Pastor X and he had no power against her. She had a spirit about her and the devil was working in her to ruin Youth Pastor X’s ministry. She was ostracized from the youth group, we all looked at her as though she had ruined his ministry.

No charges were ever filed. Youth Pastor X was allowed to leave the state without a tarnish against him.

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At the same time, if the many charges prove to be true to a larger extent than they currently acknowledge, it would be sad and troubling—but not without hope if it leads to truth-telling and repentance. The truth of sin that leads to repentance is one of the most glorious moments in our life in Christ. – Mark Galli

From what former members have shared, in this church it has been the normal procedure to dismiss any visitors in order to address members in regard to problems. The pastors are known for cutting off contact between members and anyone they feel is dangerous to the church.

The identity of the girl was never officially revealed by the pastor but there were people in the church who knew it.  One person shared that her and the youth pastor were caught kissing while they were on a youth conference trip up in the mountains, possibly at Winter Park. It is alleged that she had a crush on him and pursued him and that she left the church for awhile after he was sent away. She has been in and out of that church since then.

Two others have shared with me they thought she was 15 or 16 at the time, not 14. Regardless of whether it was 14, 15 or 16, the legal age for consent to sexual activity in Colorado is 17. The victim was only 16 years old in 1998 and wouldn’t have been 17 until the first third of 1999 when this youth pastor was no longer there. The youth pastor was 28 in 1998. Despite these facts, there are some with ties to the church who will tell you that what happened was consensual. They are in grave error because according to the law, that was impossible. A minor cannot give consent and especially not a minor when the other party is in a position of trust.

The law, which in my opinion needs to change, does allow that someone under 15 can consent to have sex when the person is not more than four years older. In addition, a 15-16 year old can consent as long as the other person is no more than ten years older.  (I am uncertain as to when the near in age rules went into effect. Regardless, the age difference between the two exceeded both rule exceptions.) What also comes into play in a case such as this one is when the perpetrator is in a position of trust. Examples of a person being in the position of trust are pastors, teachers, doctors, etc. A criminal charge of sexual abuse is more serious when it involves a position of trust. [Because there may be other sexual abuse victims from Colorado reading this, some may wish to review this PDF document, which covers the law, statutes of limitations and potential sentences and was valid as of at least 2015. You may also wish to read this article of why it is important to report possible cases of sexual assault.]

As I’ve written elsewhere, ‘if you are interacting with a sex offender who is admitting he or she has harmed someone, and you feel yourself being pulled to feel sorry for this person instead of, or more than, the victim, it is probable that an experienced victim-stancer is manipulating you.’

“Many well-intentioned people feel sympathy for an offender and advocate for them with the victim and/or the victim’s loved ones. They remind victims that their abusers are created in God’s image no matter what harm they have done. For the victims and their loved ones, this is a bizarre, surreal, and wounding experience because it echoes and reinforces the grooming of the abuser. – Maureen Farrell Garcia

One person alleged they were told by the pastor that this man was dismissed due to impropriety issues with money. However, the youth pastor privately shared that he had been dismissed due to inappropriate contact with a minor. It has also been alleged that the pastor told him to leave Colorado immediately and if he did so, no further action would be taken against him. This was never reported to the police. The youth pastor did not hold a UPCI license at the time.

This youth pastor was married in 1993 and felt a call to preach in his teen years. He attended the Jackson College of Ministries, a UPC operated Bible college which has since closed. Serving at this Colorado church while in his mid to late twenties, it appears he held the position from 1996 through 1998. Some dates I received were slightly different, but all narrowed it down to the mid to late 90s. He was definitely gone in 1999 as the next youth pastor was serving during the time of the Columbine shootings.

Besides all of this, it is very disturbing that this youth pastor became licensed a few years later after moving to another district just southwest of Colorado, during the time when Tommy Hudson was the Superintendent. It doesn’t matter whether or not he ever again did something similar. As was explained in a previous article, when a person is guilty of an immoral sexual act, they are forever ineligible to be licensed. In this alleged situation, besides adultery, we have a sexual assault of a minor. This man is first seen in the 2002 UPCI Directory, which is reflective of him receiving license in 2001. It is interesting to note that the Directory indicates he received ordination, which isn’t the level a newly licensed minister usually receives. In 2002 he became the associate pastor of a church. Just a few short years later in 2005, he became the pastor of a different church and remains in that position as of the writing of this article. Two to three years after taking over the church it became non-affiliated. (There are two types of UPCI churches: affiliated and non-affiliated.)

The rules in the UPCI Manual are clear- if one has been sexually immoral, they are not qualified to hold license, nor to minister in a United Pentecostal Church.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

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Top September 2018 Posts

In September 2018, the blog section of the spiritual abuse website had 7,973 visits, with 5,128 being unique. Below are the top ten read posts for September from six different authors. I am also adding the top ten accessed pages from the main website.

We are always looking for new people to join our group of bloggers, so please consider registering and watch your email for more information. How frequently you post is up to you. Let your voice be heard and help others recover. You may even find it therapeutic. Read here for more information.

The Dress –  author Through Grace (accessed 1268 times)

The Pharisees and Apostolics Part 1–  author Lois (accessed 413 times)

The United Pentecostal Church and Sexual Abuse – author Lois (accessed 405 times)

Spiritual Abuse & Emasculated Men – author Lois (accessed 379 times)

Don’t brag about your good deeds – author Random Thoughts

Religious Cuckoldry – author Dr. Michael Warstler (posted by Lois)

Shaky Arguments – author Through Grace

Resilience: It Is All About Perspective – author Grace

When Extreme Churches Collide – author Sailor

Woman ‘in the Spirit’ on a Jamaican Flight – author Lois

And from the main website, the top ten pages:

Oneness Versus Trinity

Make-up and Fingernail Polish are a Sin

The United Pentecostal Church & Lee Stoneking at the United Nations

Qualifications For Delegated Responsibility – This is a new addition to the website.

United Pentecostal Church International Beliefs

What Is Spiritual Abuse?

Does the Bible Say it’s Wrong for Women to Cut their Hair?

Sexual Abuse Cases In United Pentecostal Churches

Anthony Mangun: That is Why I am for Television

The UPCI and the Movie Borat

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Religious Cuckoldry

The following is a guest essay that goes along with my previous writing on Spiritual Abuse & Emasculated Men but is much more in depth. It is written by Dr. Michael Warstler.

Spiritual abuse is a phenomenon that most certainly occurs in a diverse range of religious organizations; from small to large and from organized to independent. However, while spiritual abuse might have specific elements, there is no formal method for measuring the significance of the experience. Recently, I read a post asking about thoughts on whether women experienced more abuse than men. In early 2017 I had similar questions and sought to answer them through conducting a formal study to satisfy the dissertation requirements of my Doctorate. Since it is rather difficult to quantify experienced spiritual abuse, a survey was adopted to measure the perceptions of one’s experiences in the frame of group psychological abuse. The survey provided 31 questions that fed into six primary elements of a group psychological abuse taxonomy. Options for each question were in Likert style format ranging from “zero” or “none” to “four” and “continually.”

While all elements of group psychosocial abuse were experienced to some degree, the element that rose to the top in perceived severity was the imposition of a single and extraordinary authority. Female participants experienced the component of the imposition of a single and extraordinary authority at a 76.69 percentage rank; whereas, male participants experienced the same component at a much lower 35.78 percentage rank. This admission does not denote that men did not experience the imposition of a single and extraordinary authority; it means, rather, that while they perceived it to a lesser degree, it still occurred. It is of interest that of the 68 men who participated in this study, 51 annotated that they were in leadership or had been in leadership. Being that groups who impose a single and extraordinary authority are often highly narcissistic, it was assumed that the results of male leader participants would be on the low end. Why would anyone in a leadership position with a faith tradition that is being studied admit that they were perpetrators of such abuse?

What I am trying to point out is that whether women perceived their experiences to be more severe than men, the fact is that both men and women experienced abuses – they are just experienced in different ways. The element of the imposition of a single and extraordinary authority is certainly of interest to me in how it applies to male followers. It seems that much of the abuse men experience with this element is that of deep psychological and emotional strain. The psychological and emotional strain that I would like to focus on here is that of infantilization and emasculation of men – elements that ultimately destabilize the home and weaken marital bonds.

One of the primary elements used to implement a single and extraordinary authority in religious traditions such as Oneness Pentecostalism is that of headship. Headship entails that God is ultimately the head of authority, and below that falls a pastor. Next in the line of spiritual authority is the husband, then wife, and lastly children. While I am not here to argue the biblical implications and precedents of headship, I am interested in why it is practiced and what the potential consequences are. Here I believe it is important that I discuss what might occur if a husband is not in the church (i.e. was never in attendance or a member), is “non-participant” while in attendance, or is “backslidden” (i.e. a former member who no longer attends church or believes). In these scenarios, a husband is typically deemed as outside the line of spiritual authority and not in a position of headship over his wife and children.

It is common in these situations that a pastor takes the place of headship over a woman when the husband does not “fulfill” his role. This also applies to many adult single women or divorced women within the congregation. But when a woman is still married, her unsuspecting non-believing husband might be in for a shock when he discovers that most of his wife’s basic and major life choices must be discussed with her pastor first. Every detail from taking a camping trip to major purchases will now be brought to the pastor for approval. This essentially removes the husband from his position in his own home – Thus, why I have labeled this essay as religious cuckoldry. This is a position that a man might find himself in when the pastor of his wife’s church replaces him. Two anonymous comments below detail similar experiences:

“Apparently, the pastor told my wife that if I don’t come around, and fall in line with all that he teaches. ‘She shouldn’t stay with me.’ The same man who married us suggests that, for the sake of her soul, she should probably leave me.”

“This is when the man is reduced to bringing home the bacon, paying the bills, and supplying non-emotional or non-spiritual needs. Anything else is perceived as an effort to try and convince or change the doctrine/beliefs of the wife, which in turn leads to accusations of the husband trying to break up the family.”

Men who find themselves in these situations ultimately either seek divorce or end up living with the situation despite the deep emotional and psychological pain experienced. In my own experience as a former Oneness/Apostolic Pentecostal divorce was essentially forbidden. In addition, my now ex-wife was a former Jehovah’s Witness and her organization duly forbid divorce. On one side I was being fed that I was to be a leader of my home and in a place of headship, and from another side the elders of my wife’s religion were replacing me – it was a lose-lose situation that ultimately took a major toll on our marriage for several years.

Legalistic religious beliefs ultimately lead to infantilization, and in groups led by an absolute authority, the emasculation in men. This requires that a grown man rescind his ability to make choices about his own life and family and give them to another man. To be “saved” one must fully submit to their pastor (to be under the headship and in alignment with God). While it should be understood that no two organizations are alike and that these experiences may be perceived on a wide spectrum, submitting to another man in a destructive organization quite literally strips a man of his own essence. This leads me to the discussion of a deeper nature found in such groups – the essence of man.

Legalism leads to an immature spirituality – one that is based on the constant attention of outward appearance and expression. One could easily witness similar phenomena in remote tribes – individuals within these groups can be often observed acting in a more “primitive” fashion than what we are used to (i.e. much like Pentecostalism, these groups can be witnessed practicing glossolalia, ecstatic dancing, etc.). In addition, religious groups that place their primary focus on the more primal urges (expression, appearance, and emotionalism) are just as often sexually repressed – and being sexually repressed, they become sexually obsessed. Since psychological control is also achieved at the physiological and physical level, it makes sense that sexual repression becomes a strong tool for coercion and control.

It is here that I believe we should discuss and accept that, physiologically, we are deeply tied to our primal roots on a subconscious level. For example, (and slightly off topic) some studies indicate that the menstrual cycle of women who interact in groups sync with the “alpha female” (a phenomenon formally referred to as “socially mediated synchrony”, as discussed by University of Oxford anthropologist Alexandra Alvergne). It might also be assumed that men are physiologically affected by being domineered by another man (some refer to this as alpha and beta males, but most research points to these as being concepts rather than scientific fact). Of course we do not enjoy discussing these topics, because it reminds us that “love” is more likely than not a chemical reaction in the brain and that we are ultimately controlled by our primal urges (we would rather continue to believe in soulmates and romance). However, it is not my intention to dehumanize us, but to simply consider why we do what we do.

The concept of the rebellious “alpha male” could almost be seen in any spiritual leadership manual. I can see it now, “Men have a strong difficulty submitting themselves to another male.” It is my assumption that primal groups act in such a way as to strengthen group survival (often referred to as herd immunity/strength). It makes sense that in order for a group to survive (however, unhealthy it may be) singular leadership is desired. Too many “alpha” or “strong willed” leaders and the group could easily split. This oftentimes entails in the destructive organization that the leader be the only one to express “apex” characteristics such as wealth, intelligence, etc. This factor also leads up to a husband never measuring up or being good enough (even if they are a member of the faith tradition).

When, then, is it okay to display “apex” traits or to enjoy wealth and intelligence? It seems from my observation that it is only acceptable to do so if one is close to the leader of the organization. In this sense, these individuals are referred to as “colluders” (those who obey in order to reap social benefits); as opposed to “conformers” (those who obey out of fear). I have heard this described to me as being a pastor’s “henchmen” or “muscle” – however, it is probably easier to describe this as the pastor’s “inner circle.” Men within the inner circle can oftentimes be seen enjoying the benefits of their social status. In the inner circle one can also get around some of the legalistic rules without scrutiny. However, I have also witnessed successful men outside of the inner circle be publicly scrutinized for the same actions. In these groups it is often expected that all members give as much of their time, energy, and money that they can to the organization. However, it always seems that the more toxic the group, the more the pastor seems to have while his followers continue to sacrifice.

The following are simple observations:
– “Strong willed” males will not deal well with being treated in such a manner so they will push back aggressively and ultimately leave “backslide.”
– It seems that the more rigorous and fundamental the group, the more young males leave as soon as they are at an age where they are legal to make their own choices.
– Fathers who are not in the church typically try to pull their sons out through secular activities such as sports (organized sports are highly frowned upon in Oneness Pentecostalism and by the Jehovah’s Witnesses).
– If one backslides (leaves the church), I have witnessed them being shammed as “homosexual” or “effeminate.” I believe the emasculation of men is at play here as well.
– Some men that experience repressed masculinity manifest destructive behaviors and increased control behind the closed doors of their home – leading to the perpetuation of spiritual and psychological abuse from the husband/father to his wife and children.
– The more primal and emotional a group operates the more primal and emotional their responses will be to those who “backslide” or those who raise inquiry of their practices.

In closing, it is agreed that we often don’t enjoy hearing about these topics because consciously we do not like to align ourselves with the primal side of our nature. In this sense the conscious battles the subconscious. Because our primal nature is oftentimes crude, not wanting to accept it, we repress it. I also realize that it might be difficult to have one’s experiences of group psychological abuse relegated in the simplified terms of primal nature – however, at the root of a primal group, this is what occurs. What I am asking my readers to do is ask the “tougher” questions. Perhaps some healing and consolation can be found when we view our experiences in the frame of a much larger subconscious system. In doing so, we do not deny our humanity when discussing our original nature; we simply learn more about ourselves.

**These observations are not simply my own, but are collected from 1,000’s of individuals who have written me over the past few years.**

**The above essay, while complex, is not intended to be an in-depth analysis of a topic – nor is it intended to pass judgement or express preferences – for like any topic, several books could be written to discuss them. My purpose here is to simply develop theories and generate provocative, if not heretical thought. As noted by the great essayist Montaigne: “All I say is by way of discourse, and nothing by way of advice. I should not speak so boldly if it were my due to be believed.”**

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Spiritual Abuse & Emasculated Men

A topic that often comes up in our support groups is how women are usually hit harder than men in spiritually abusive churches and groups. It often is mentioned in conjunction with ‘holiness standards‘ and submission. The subject arose once more a couple days ago and in reflecting, I was reminded of some things that married men have shared through the years, a topic that can be difficult for them to discuss. There are men who feel emasculated by the teachings of these churches and how the pastor basically takes their place as the husband. It has been asked, “How many women are having an emotional affair with the pastor and church because their husband can’t quite measure up?”

It seems to happen more often when the man isn’t part of the church or once was but left, or he attends but doesn’t fall in line with all the teachings. However, it also strikes men who are fully immersed in the group. As one shared, “The implied message was that it is more important to be dedicated to the church than it is to your husband. …I didn’t know that the pastor was also married to my wife…strange. Or that he was one of the heads mentioned in the scripture.”

This mindset places tremendous strain and pressure on a marriage and works to emasculate the husband, depriving him of his role and causing him to feel replaced, almost unwanted at times, and less than a man. In situations where there are children, sometimes the wife, and even other family members in the church, will say negative things to the children about their father that can cause relationship problems between them. It can bring untold conflicting feelings, angst and even fear that their dad will burn in hell, a terrifying thought for a child. The women appear to be blinded to the damage they cause as they believe they are following the will of God.

A person asked, “What is it that makes the man (or wife) think he ‘can’t measure up’? …How can a woman put the pastor higher than the man that brings home the bacon, pays the bills and cares for the family? How is it the man that never mowed the lawn, never paid one household bill (probably does not even hold a job) is the man that is superior?” This thought of any pastor being superior to others does not fit in with how the body of Christ is described in 1 Corinthians 12.

One man responded, “This is what the man is reduced to bringing home the bacon, paying the bills, and supplying non-emotional or spiritual needs. Anything else is perceived as an effort to try and convince or change the doctrine/beliefs of the wife, which in turn leads to accusations of the husband trying to break up the family. Unfortunately the woman in many cases makes the statement, ‘when I see you praying, and fasting, (until I see you are worthy) then I will submit to your authority or consider you the priest of our home.’ This obviously is not consistent with scripture.”

In these unhealthy churches, the pastor is usually considered superior to others in the church and this plays into the emasculation of the other men. In fact, some pastors flat out tell people to imitate them in prayer, worship, dress, etc. In addition some claim that one cannot be saved without them. “The only way you’re ever going to get to Christ is to follow a man of God. The only way that you’re ever going to make it in the rapture is to follow a man of God. Amen! You can’t make it without a pastor.” (Quote is from the linked to video.)

So how does the man (pastor) appear superior to the husband? “When he is one who holds dedication, loyalty, and commitment overhead with hell fire and damnation, he certainly can [appear superior]. Conversely, because of the impression he gives of having a pipeline directly to the throne, and with statements and perceptions that no one can or should be more spiritual than the pastor, sure, that husband will never and can never measure up.” Imagine how this makes the man feel and what it does to him and how it insidiously works to destroy the marriage. If that man eventually gives up and walks away, it is entirely blamed on him for not measuring up.

Some seemingly fight a losing battle in attempting to regain their rightful place in the family. As long as the spouse places the pastor and church above her husband, there will be problems in the marriage and sometimes it cannot be overcome. Unfortunately, pastors have told wives to divorce. “Apparently, the pastor told my wife that if I don’t come around, and fall in line with all that he teaches, she shouldn’t stay with me. The same man who married us, suggests that, for the sake of her soul, she should probably leave me.” Such counsel goes against the admonition of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7.

A woman shared some observations, “I have seen this kind of stuff going on. Women who think their husbands have no merit in the kingdom of God just because they aren’t like other women’s husbands. They usually have no respect for them and undermine their authority in the home. The children are taught that their father does not know anything. They are pretty confused… The wife runs to the pastor or other spiritual men, counseling with them. She constantly compares her husband with other men….why can’t he be like them?

“…I think if we were not taught erroneously to begin with…that the pastor is like the Pope and only he can hear from God for us…then many of us would have better marriages and better relationships with God. I have never spoken with men to get their viewpoint of what they think of their wives running off to the pastor every time they turn around. I think some of them are conditioned to think it’s OK.”

Another woman told of an event. “Last year at summer camp all the women were invited to lunch with the pastor and were also shown his bedroom with the comment ‘see how clean and tidy he is, not like your slobby husbands.’ Well, for those women with slobby husbands I’m pretty sure they did get mind problems the next time their husband left his clothes on the floor, remembering that nice tidy pastor’s room (which had been cleaned beforehand by a few of the women anyway). We were continually reminded of how our husbands didn’t measure up but if you dared to come out with it yourself you were a Jezebel bitch. So it was a no win situation for everybody.”

This is a very serious problem in unhealthy churches. While there are people who sincerely believe they are doing God’s will by placing church and pastor above their spouse, they fail to realize how their actions are ripping their family apart, harming their children and causing excruciatingly deep hurt to their spouse. Is this not spiritual adultery as one man observed? Take to heart what he shared. “This is so true. Not only putting the pastor in the place of God, but putting the pastor or church above the place of your husband. The hierarchy that God designed and that Paul outlined is pretty much cast into the fire by the UPC, there is no church, or pastor between God, the Man, and his Wife. It is so wrong for the pastor to demand a devotion to him, his doctrine, his perspective, and his general way of doing things. Sometimes I don’t think they do this openly or even purposely but they use various controlling techniques to demand devotion in general.

“It is so funny how most every UPC church has a name, but we don’t refer to them that way, instead we say, ‘I used to belong to Bro. Smith’s church, or I visited Bro. Jones’ church, or my sister belongs to Bro. Johnson’s church.’

“I would covet an opportunity to talk to a pastor’s wife to see how she felt about or even realizes that her husband has the devotion and attention of the women in their church above and stronger than the devotion to their husbands. How many people have the courage to call it religious and maybe spiritual adultery?”

Read Religious Cuckoldry by Dr. Michael Warstler, an essay on this same topic.

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