Author: Lois | Page 37 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

On The Other Side

On the other side
The sun will shine
On the other side
Everything is fine
On the other side
We’ll learn to be content
I know where the grass is green
We’ll step ashore and the air is clean
So weep no more
Leave your troubles far behind
On the other side (The Seekers)

While being on the ‘other side’ of an unhealthy church experience won’t mean everything will be OK with total contentment and no crying or trouble, one can truly get to a much better place than was experienced.

On the ‘other side’ of all the yucky parts of dealing with the negative aspects of our experiences, there is a good place. There can be a happy ending to your story. And you know what, you’ll appreciate it to a greater degree than others. Why? Because you’ve experienced the ‘wrong side’ of religion. And when you’ve experience the ‘wrong side’ of religion, you thoroughly love and appreciate the ‘other side.’

You’ve heard certain teachings over and over and over and not much of any meat. You’ve experienced the image of an uncaring God, just ready to bust you over the head should you dare step out of line. You’ve experienced a minister who does not have the heart of a servant. You’ve experienced a works related salvation. You’ve experienced a place where the love is most often dependent upon you keeping the rules. You experienced a time where your initial joy at coming to know the Lord was slowly squeezed from your being, to where you may have even become a judgmental person.

BUT…on the ‘other side’, you can experience the REAL thing. God loves you simply because he loves you. You can’t do a thing to make him love you any more or any less….but you may find your love for him growing as you break free from the faulty teachings and untrue image of God. You’ll find there is no whip or baseball bat in his hand, ready to pound you at the least infraction of a rule. He is a patient, long suffering God. You may find that the Bible will open to you anew—-and you will look forward to reading it because of all that God is revealing to you. You read it before but missed so many wonderful truths because it was twisted and used to manipulate you. You might develop and use your gifts and talents so you may help others; many had them squashed in their former churches. It’s kind of like being a kid all over again and getting to go to that place you just couldn’t wait to get to!

Will things like these happen right away? I wish I could say that they would. It takes time and patience while you work through all the issues involved in leaving an unhealthy church. It may be difficult at first to not view God as a harsh taskmaster or to be able to read the Bible without past sermons screaming in your mind. As you discover who you are in Christ and learn of God’s grace and start to experience it, things will change. It is a much better place than the one you left. It isn’t a place of striving to obtain favor with God, it is one of knowing you already are accepted by him. It isn’t a place of trying hard to measure up, but one of resting in the completed work of Jesus Christ. It isn’t a place of being shamed, humiliated or degraded, but a place of love, joy and peace.

Our prayer is that all who have been subjected to spiritual abuse and unhealthy churches will come to a place of healing and be able to break free from the tangled mess of deception and lies of their former churches.

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The Shattering II Giveaway

Sexual abuse is something which should never happen. To be assaulted or raped often devastates the person; they are violated in a most personal manner. When the perpetrator is a minister, it can have a profound effect spiritually. That also holds true when a church member assaults another member and the church tells the individual to keep quiet and allow leadership to handle it. The reputation of the church is more important than them. Many have watched as the priest/minister was allowed to retain their position as if nothing happened.

In all the years I have operated the spiritual abuse website, I have seen how difficult it is for people to open up and share. It is often the deepest, darkest secret they keep, buried under great pain, sorrow, hurt and tears. Some tried to share in the past and were disbelieved, even by parents and siblings. Others were threatened should they dare to speak. Some were falsely accused of doing something which caused their abuse.

While some try hard to bury what happened to them, it still lurks in the shadows. The past comes back to mind as things happen which trigger the memories and emotions. This happened with a dear friend of mine from my former United Pentecostal Church.

Julie liked it that way. After all, what would it benefit to go back to the past? Didn’t everyone just say forget about the past, get a life, or just plain get over it. Even Christians seemed to have the cliche of saying “That’s all under the blood.” It seemed that we were to just let it all go. But how do we do this? Julie wondered.

Julie tried hard and she had done a good job of it, too, of shoving it so far down within her, to a place where she thought it wouldn’t bother her anymore. If it would have just worked and stayed there it would have been fine. But it didn’t.

The past always resurfaced. And when it did, it would catch Julie so off-guard, that she could never be sure of how to handle it.

Julie began to ponder within her heart and search her Bible to try to understand more of how God would want her to deal with the past, a past that always seemed to rise up and haunt her- now even more so, with the recurring dreams that she continued to have.

…Julie continued to have the recurring dreams. Each dream that she had would only stir up all of the issues of her past and bring them soaring to the present. …The door part way open. …The villain in the house. She would awake full of terror, often unable to go back to sleep.

I’ve known Marty Barth for years, but never knew that her father had molested her as a child. That is until I heard about her first book, The Shattering, where she begins her story. I never knew the deep pain and hurt she held inside. She has chosen to openly share about her past in an effort to help others who have been harmed sexually. She now speaks at various functions across America and visits those in prison. Marty is a sweet, loving woman and though we have not seen each other since the year I made the decision to leave the United Pentecostal Church, I am glad to call her friend.

In the sequel to her first book, The Shattering II: Breaking the Silence shares some of the more recent events in Marty’s life, including finally opening up to her brothers and sharing what happened, her father becoming ill and her bold confrontation with him as he was dying. Her story shares how she fought to begin healing the deep wounds from her past. While her story has many sad and heartbreaking aspects, it is also one of hope and encouragement.

We have given away books for years as part of the spiritualabuse.org ministry. This is your chance to receive a new copy of The Shattering II: Breaking the Silence. You need not have read the first as this book stands by itself. We have two copies of this to give away. This is only open to those with a USA mailing address. (Unfortunately, it is cost prohibitive to mail books outside of the USA. Canadians with a USA mailing address are welcome to enter.)

This giveaway is a different from our large giveaways as it is a drawing and not a first come, first served event. To enter, just leave a comment on this post to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on August 2 at 9pm (eastern time), after which I will draw two winners. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it. There is absolutely no cost to enter.

Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as comments require approval when you are commenting for the first time.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers. We want people to be helped and to heal. So far this year we have spent several hundred dollars on providing material free of charge to our readers.

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Fake Trump Tweet to the NAYC

The United Pentecostal Church has been holding its North American Youth Congress Conference in Indianapolis. It is attended by those outside of the organization as well as those within. At the conference, those in charge displayed a fake tweet from President Trump. I have heard that other spoof tweets were also shown. I believe they displayed these to be funny. One person on our Facebook Page stated, “It was from a segment called ‘Fake News’ they parody tweets from different people, it was meant to be funny.” Unfortunately, social media being what it is, some are running like crazy, spreading this around as something real.

There are members of the UPCI that have run with this picture and believe that Trump really sent a message to the NAYC. Even when some have been told it is fake, they have denied it. A friend of mine was blocked and her notice of it being fake was removed by one young woman named Summer who quickly denied it. Instead of taking the time to check out if it was real, she simply blocked her. Another person posted saying they heard it was fake and they stated again, “No it is real.” Yet a third person told her, “All the tweets they put up this morning were fake. It was a prank.” She still denied it and then removed those posts. Later, two others commented to her that it was fake and within minutes she had removed them, this time without bothering to comment. One even shared a link from a UPC minister that explained it was fake. Summer is actually in attendance and I guess she didn’t pay attention that the tweet wasn’t real. How many others in attendance missed it as well? [Sept. 7 Edit: A month and a half later, it was still displayed on her timeline as being true.]

It is very easy to verify if President Trump actually did this. Go to his twitter page and search for yourself. You will find it nowhere.

Now, I am sure some will say or wonder if Trump’s tweet was since removed. (And yes, there it is, someone saying he deleted it and “I assume it was because it was causing a lot of issues…..?”) No, it was never there. While you check out his twitter account, take the time to look at how all his tweets are displayed. You will see that Twitter ads a blue check mark after his name to verify that the tweets are actually from his account. When you view the NAYC photo, it is missing.

<<This is a real Trump tweet.

Additional Information: Since initially posting this, I have received some clarification on what happened. This fake tweet, as well as others, was displayed in the early session of the Thursday gathering (July 27). UPC minister LJ Harry was in charge. On the same day, he made a tweet and Facebook post about it, showing it wasn’t real. Even then, some were responding as if it were. Some in attendance felt it was made clear that it was posted in jest, while others say it was not.

Despite knowing that hundreds of people were passing around the spoof tweet of Trump, thinking it was real, the following morning session continued to display similar spoof tweets from celebrities. (That is somewhat interesting in itself as UPCI members are discouraged from watching television and becoming involved in Hollywood activities.) In the early morning session from Friday, it was neither clarified on the screen, nor audibly, that these were all fake, made up by some in charge. They were displayed without explanation. I can only assume that similar happened Thursday, since some in attendance still believe the Trump tweet was authentic.

It is quite easy to make fake tweets, even from President Trump, through this website. That one even displays the blue check mark. Here is one generated on that site by a friend. >>

Next edit: On Friday (July 28) they did read a letter from Vice-President Mike Pence, who was recently the Governor of Indiana (where NAYC is taking place). The volunteer work mentioned in this letter was about 1700 of them, out of about 34,000 in attendance, helping at Gleaners Food Bank, packaging up 200,000 meals in one hour. Letters such as this from politicians happen all the time and are often written by staff. Here it is for those who wish to view it. This was a live stream (link has since been removed) of it being read which only partially captures it.

This isn’t the first time that people in the UPC have heard or seen something and then run with it without checking to see if it is real and true. I am sure it will not be the last. But perhaps there will be some who were fooled this time who will think twice before passing along messages like this without first seeking verification. It doesn’t make you look good when you quickly pass around false reports and even continue to do so after being notified it is not real.

September 7, 2017 Edit: Since this was written, there has been some actual interaction between President Trump and some from the United Pentecostal Church. It was announced on September 6th that Reach Out America, a UPC operated non-profit ministry based in Houston, would be one of the recipients of Trump’s million dollar pledge to charities helping with the Hurricane Harvey recovery. $100,000 of this money was designated to them. [See this Washington Post article.]

Prior to this, on President Trump’s second visit to the Houston area on September 2nd, one of his stops was at First Church, a United Pentecostal Church in Pearland that is a FEMA distribution center. Fox news did an interview with Ken Gurley, the long-time pastor, about the visit.

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Putting On A Facade

In looking for something else, I recently came across the experience of a woman who joined the United Pentecostal Church and had been married to one of their ministers. She shared how her husband regularly lied when he spoke at churches and how she never said anything when he did. Below are some partial quotes from the article.

My husband was super-popular on the evangelism circuit and often asked to testify, but he lied constantly on the pulpit about having been an ex-Satanist (uh, no), ex-Wiccan priest (NO), and drug addict/dealer (NO NO NO). No, he wasn’t Mike Warnke–just very similar! I was expected to smile and nod and go along with the lies, or else I was standing in the way of God’s work. I began to wonder if everybody else was lying about praying and fasting–I knew we never did either, but he was telling people we did…

I’d already been questioning, but my faith actually broke on the awful day I ran across my husband’s training manual for his “Crisis Pregnancy Center” counseling position. It was like finding a serial killer’s diary, in retrospect; I remember turning pages and barely breathing, I was so beyond furious and horrified at the outright lies the group was encouraging, the faulty science, the utter manipulation of hearts and minds, all in the name of doing God’s work…

…I’d have put up with all of it and stayed with my husband, though, until he began to threaten me physically to bring me back into line. I fled the country immediately and was viciously, violently stalked for the next year and a half, through our divorce and right up to his wedding day to another woman.

This caused me to think about things I knew during my time in the same organization and what I had heard from others through the years. I began to wonder just how much of this happens in unhealthy churches and groups and how long the list might be for each of the various denominations. How many ministers preach one thing and yet live another life? How many lie about their background? How many don’t give true reports of alleged revivals, conversions, healings, and the like? While there are many people in the UPC and other churches who would not think of doing what this woman’s ex-husband allegedly did, there are ones who have done similar.

As people commented on what she shared, she elaborated on her ex-husband’s ministry. Read on….

I’m glad to talk more about the manual, though. It was a nightmare to read. It advised telling women whatever had to be said to get them to the third trimester–tell them you’ll give them food or housing, tell them you’ll help with the medical bills, WHATEVER. However, it did not outline any strategy for aiding them once they’d hit the point of no return, and my Evil Ex talked often about his victories in convincing women to keep their pregnancies, but did not ever speak of helping them afterward or even visiting them in the hospital. I asked him once about what his group was doing to help babies once they were born, and he just seemed shocked anybody would even ask. The manual also outlined how to create a properly manipulative atmosphere for women–putting baby toys in the foyer, making sure the CCTV played baby videos, describing what sorts of books and pamphlets should be available to read, how long to make women wait to see a counselor, etc. It was unashamed in admitting that the whole free pregnancy test offer it made was a front to get women in the door to talk them into keeping their babies. From the moment a woman walked into a CPC for her “Free pregnancy test,” she was bombarded with psychological assault. It also made a huge deal out of post-abortion stress syndrome, which I knew had been debunked even then (in the early 90s). And I can’t forget that almost every page was plastered with Bible quotes and that my Evil Ex at least viewed every encounter as a “soul-winning” battle, a view his supervisors seemed to fully support.

Why should any minister feel the need to lie about their past and make up sensational sounding stories about themselves? Why aren’t such claims checked by fellow ministers? What causes a minister to lie about praying and fasting? Why does a minister teach certain standards but yet doesn’t follow all or some of them himself? How can a minister sign a bi-annual affirmation of faith and yet not truly believe or live what he is signing? Why do some turn a blind eye to such things and feel they are permissible?

Should someone be permitted to remain in the ministry who threatens another with physical harm, including their spouse? And how do some have affairs or sexually assault children or adults for months or years without being noticed or investigated by fellow ministers? Why do some pastors brag about having a board of ministers they are accountable to when those ministers will do nothing when any claims of improprieties are brought to their attention and where many or all of them don’t even regularly attend the church?

What about ministries which seem to be more about counting people and bringing fame to those in charge, while neglecting the care and welfare of those they are supposed to be helping? Why do some ministers feel the need to exaggerate the number of people who are baptized or speak in tongues?

These things are not Christ-like and they go against how believers are to live. Yet we see them in the lives of some who believe they are supposed to be our spiritual guides and leaders. This should not be so.

I am pretty certain that most reading this will recall their own memories of what they witnessed or heard about ministers or ministries that were wrong. These things cannot be excused because a minister, church or organization also does some good. How many people walk away because of the facade? How many people believe that if this is how Christians act, especially their ministers, they want nothing to do with Christianity?

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