Putting On A Facade

In looking for something else, I recently came across the experience of a woman who joined the United Pentecostal Church and had been married to one of their ministers. She shared how her husband regularly lied when he spoke at churches and how she never said anything when he did. Below are some partial quotes from the article.

My husband was super-popular on the evangelism circuit and often asked to testify, but he lied constantly on the pulpit about having been an ex-Satanist (uh, no), ex-Wiccan priest (NO), and drug addict/dealer (NO NO NO). No, he wasn’t Mike Warnke–just very similar! I was expected to smile and nod and go along with the lies, or else I was standing in the way of God’s work. I began to wonder if everybody else was lying about praying and fasting–I knew we never did either, but he was telling people we did…

I’d already been questioning, but my faith actually broke on the awful day I ran across my husband’s training manual for his “Crisis Pregnancy Center” counseling position. It was like finding a serial killer’s diary, in retrospect; I remember turning pages and barely breathing, I was so beyond furious and horrified at the outright lies the group was encouraging, the faulty science, the utter manipulation of hearts and minds, all in the name of doing God’s work…

…I’d have put up with all of it and stayed with my husband, though, until he began to threaten me physically to bring me back into line. I fled the country immediately and was viciously, violently stalked for the next year and a half, through our divorce and right up to his wedding day to another woman.

This caused me to think about things I knew during my time in the same organization and what I had heard from others through the years. I began to wonder just how much of this happens in unhealthy churches and groups and how long the list might be for each of the various denominations. How many ministers preach one thing and yet live another life? How many lie about their background? How many don’t give true reports of alleged revivals, conversions, healings, and the like? While there are many people in the UPC and other churches who would not think of doing what this woman’s ex-husband allegedly did, there are ones who have done similar.

As people commented on what she shared, she elaborated on her ex-husband’s ministry. Read on….

I’m glad to talk more about the manual, though. It was a nightmare to read. It advised telling women whatever had to be said to get them to the third trimester–tell them you’ll give them food or housing, tell them you’ll help with the medical bills, WHATEVER. However, it did not outline any strategy for aiding them once they’d hit the point of no return, and my Evil Ex talked often about his victories in convincing women to keep their pregnancies, but did not ever speak of helping them afterward or even visiting them in the hospital. I asked him once about what his group was doing to help babies once they were born, and he just seemed shocked anybody would even ask. The manual also outlined how to create a properly manipulative atmosphere for women–putting baby toys in the foyer, making sure the CCTV played baby videos, describing what sorts of books and pamphlets should be available to read, how long to make women wait to see a counselor, etc. It was unashamed in admitting that the whole free pregnancy test offer it made was a front to get women in the door to talk them into keeping their babies. From the moment a woman walked into a CPC for her “Free pregnancy test,” she was bombarded with psychological assault. It also made a huge deal out of post-abortion stress syndrome, which I knew had been debunked even then (in the early 90s). And I can’t forget that almost every page was plastered with Bible quotes and that my Evil Ex at least viewed every encounter as a “soul-winning” battle, a view his supervisors seemed to fully support.


Why should any minister feel the need to lie about their past and make up sensational sounding stories about themselves? Why aren’t such claims checked by fellow ministers? What causes a minister to lie about praying and fasting? Why does a minister teach certain standards but yet doesn’t follow all or some of them himself? How can a minister sign a bi-annual affirmation of faith and yet not truly believe or live what he is signing? Why do some turn a blind eye to such things and feel they are permissible?

Should someone be permitted to remain in the ministry who threatens another with physical harm, including their spouse? And how do some have affairs or sexually assault children or adults for months or years without being noticed or investigated by fellow ministers? Why do some pastors brag about having a board of ministers they are accountable to when those ministers will do nothing when any claims of improprieties are brought to their attention and where many or all of them don’t even regularly attend the church?

What about ministries which seem to be more about counting people and bringing fame to those in charge, while neglecting the care and welfare of those they are supposed to be helping? Why do some ministers feel the need to exaggerate the number of people who are baptized or speak in tongues?

These things are not Christ-like and they go against how believers are to live. Yet we see them in the lives of some who believe they are supposed to be our spiritual guides and leaders. This should not be so.

I am pretty certain that most reading this will recall their own memories of what they witnessed or heard about ministers or ministries that were wrong. These things cannot be excused because a minister, church or organization also does some good. How many people walk away because of the facade? How many people believe that if this is how Christians act, especially their ministers, they want nothing to do with Christianity?

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Under The Influence Of An Unhealthy Group

Below are some questions for you to ponder, to see if you may be or have been in an unhealthy church. They are yes or no questions.

Are you under the influence of a destructive group or belief system?

    • Does your group discourage doubts, criticism or ideas that differ from their belief system?
    • Do you tend to rationalize whatever the group does even when it goes against your sense of right and wrong?
    • Do you often feel exhausted from lengthy group activities, meetings and projects?
    • Does your group have its own unique words, cliches, slogans, chants, prayers and doctrinal phrases that reinforce the group viewpoint?
    • Are doubts viewed as a lack of faith, dedication, commitment or disloyalty?
    • Have “your thoughts” become “the enemy?”
    • Do you often find yourself doing more and more things in the group, or because of group peer pressure, that you would not have done on your own?
    • Does your group publicly humiliate or criticize members?
    • Does your group have a system of punishments and rewards for behavior?
    • Group paranoia: Does your group obsessively think other groups or people with different beliefs are out to get them?
    • Does the prospect of leaving your group seem scary, difficult?
    • Do you feel the need to leave in secret?
    • Have you been told something bad might happen if you leave?
    • Does your group/belief system think they have/are the only or highest truth, or have the solution for the world’s problems?
    • Are your leader’s ideas or belief system considered beyond reproach or sacred?
    • Do you follow a particular individual or belief system that requires unquestioning obedience and loyalty?
    • Do members of your group feel specially chosen, superior, exclusive, elite?
    • Do you feel the need to save or convert others to your belief system or ideology?
    • Is your group secretive to outsiders about its inner workings, teachings, activities or beliefs?
    • Does your group equate purity and goodness to being in your group, and impurity or evil to those outside your group?
    • Do you place your group’s mission or agenda above your own goals and ideals? Do group interests come before your own interest?
    • Do you find yourself thinking in a we-they, us-versus-them mind set?
    • Does your group/system have a clear outside enemy?
    • Do you see less and less of your family and friends who do not belong to your group or who do not subscribe to your group’s belief system?
    • Does your group use frequent public testimonials, confessions, or sharings that reinforce the group’s mission or agenda?
    • Is communication within, into and out of your group controlled or censored in any manner?
    • Does your group criticize, shun, abandon or demean individuals who leave the group?
    • Do members seek approval or get permission from group leader(s) for personal life choices?
    • Do you feel pressured to attend meetings, events, lectures, seminars? And do you feel guilty if you don’t attend?
    • Do you feel pressured to give a portion of your income to the group, or spend money on courses, books or special projects?
    • Are the group’s financial needs more important than your own economic well-being?
    • Does your group discriminate against anyone regarding race, gender, belief, or sexual orientation?
    • Does your group have a totalitarian structure: a strict, top-down centralized control?

Do you wonder if you have been in a destructive group?

  • Do you have difficulty forming new friendships and intimate relationships?
  • Do you have low self-esteem, poor self-image or loss of identity?
  • Do you have difficulty making simple decisions and choices?
  • Do you often feel depressed, anxious and nervous?
  • Do you feel isolated, lonely, guilty, cynical?
  • Do you feel like you are just now growing up, becoming a mature adult?
  • Do you have short-term memory difficulties?
  • Do you feel you have nothing to believe in?
  • Do you often feel anger and rage towards the group?
  • Do you have nightmares or unpleasant dreams?
  • Do you find it difficult or impossible to stop mental or other group ritualistic practices?

Copyright 1998 by John D. Goldhammer and Prometheus Books. I believe this is from his book, Under the Influence.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Top June Posts

In June 2017, the blog section of the spiritual abuse website had 4877 visits, with 2297 being unique. The stats for this month are somewhat off as our writers were not as active.

We are always looking for new people to join our group of bloggers, so please register and watch your email for more information. You are under no obligation to make a certain number of posts.

Commenting directly on the blog is an encouragement to our authors as they often cannot see all the places where these are shared and discussed on social media.

Below are the top ten read posts for June, excluding our giveaways. Thanks so much to all our readers and authors!

A Conversation with a Pastor, Part 2 – author Through Grace. (accessed 655 times)

A Time To Kill – A Time To Break Down – author Nana5. (accessed 429 times)

A Time To Heal – A Time To Build Up – author Nana5. (accessed 238 times)

Getting Out the Old Books: Power Before the Throne – author Lynne. (accessed 182 times)

Our First Year Anniversary – author Lois.

God, Our Heavenly Father – author Nana5.

Book Review: Spiritual Sobriety by Elizabeth Esther – author Eleanor.

Top May Posts –  author Lois.

An Email From A United Pentecostal Minister – author Lois.

Why Does It Take So Long? – author Through Grace.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Third Book Giveaway Of 2017

This giveaway is now closed.

We have given away books for years as part of the spiritualabuse.org ministry and this will be our third large one via this blog for 2017 and it is in celebration of our one year anniversary of the blog section. This is your chance to receive one or more free books on various issues. After making your request, be sure to respond to my email requesting your mailing address if I do not already have it. In some past giveaways we had people request items but never responded. This keeps material from others.

The first people with a USA mailing address who respond will receive their choice of books/DVDs/CDs at no charge to them. (Unfortunately, it is cost prohibitive to mail these books outside of the USA.) To respond, just leave a comment for this post. If you are unsure what any item is about, the links will take you to Amazon where you may read their description and reviews.

Up for grabs are several used books, DVDs & CDs. Being used, they will have imperfections. Many of these I have not read, so do not take their inclusion as an endorsement from me.

  1. Two paperback copies of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. (One has some highlighting.)
  2. One hardback copy of Boundaries by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. (Has some markings.) TAKEN
  3. One paperback copy of Boundaries by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. TAKEN
  4. One hardcover copy of Zondervan Handbook To The Bible.
  5. Two hardback copies of The Church Awakening by Charles Swindoll.
  6. One hardback copy of The Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll. (some markings)
  7. One paperback copy of The Unauthorized Guide To Choosing a Church by Carmen Renee Berry. TAKEN
  8. One paperback copy of Testament The Bible Odyssey.
  9. One hardback copy of Naves Topical BibleTAKEN
  10. One hardback copy of Holy Bible New Revised Standard Version.
  11. One paperback copy of The Year Of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs. TAKEN
  12. One paperback copy of Changes That Heal by Henry Cloud. TAKEN
  13. One paperback copy of Changes That Heal Workbook by Henry Cloud. TAKEN
  14. One hardcover copy of Prayer: Does It Make A Difference by Philip Yancey. (some markings) TAKEN
  15. One hardcover copy of What Good Is God? by Philip Yancey. TAKEN
  16. Two hardcover copies of The Bible Jesus Read by Philip Yancey. TAKEN
  17. One hardcover copy of The Truth Book by Joy Castro. (Jehovah’s Witness Abuse)
  18. One KJV Thompson Chain Reference Study Bible. (Has some markings and water damage near the back.) TAKEN
  19. One DVD of The Story Of Two Kings/Where Did The Bible Come From.
  20. One DVD of Cult Explosion: Cults Exposed By Those Who Escaped (Walter Martin). TAKEN
  21. Kidz Bible Audio Bible For Kids NIRV MP3 Format – new. TAKEN
  22. The Gospel of John 2 DVD Set. TAKEN
  23. The Case For Faith The Film DVD by Lee Strobel. TAKEN
  24. MP3 CD NIV Audio New Testament Dramatized by Faith Comes By Hearing. – 2 available
  25. Tangled Blu-Ray Disc (Only includes the Blu-Ray)
  26. Deluxe Compact Disc Psalms & Proverbs NASB. 5 CDs
  27. Two paperback copies of Since Nobody’s Perfect How Good is Good Enough by Andy Stanley. ONE TAKEN
  28. One paperback copy of A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard.
  29. One paperback copy of The New Foxe’s Book Of Martyrs by John Foxe. TAKEN
  30. One paperback copy of I Don’t Have Enough Faith To Be An Atheist by Norman Geisler. TAKEN
  31. Two paperback copies of Be Still And Know That I am God Adult Coloring Book. TAKEN
  32. One paperback copy of The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel. TAKEN
  33. One paperback copy of Grace God’s Unmerited Favor by Charles Spurgeon. TAKEN
  34. One paperback copy of The Case For Christ Student Edition by Lee Strobel.
  35. One paperback copy of Resisting Happiness by Matthew Kelly. TAKEN
  36. One paperback copy of The Shack Large Print by Wm. Paul Young.
  37. One paperback copy of Healing Spiritual Abuse by Ken Blue (book was mangled by USPS but still very readable). TAKEN
  38. One paperback copy of John Life Application Bible Studies. (has a little writing) TAKEN
  39. One paperback copy of Romans Life Application Bible Studies. TAKEN
  40. One paperback copy of Growing Up Amish by Ira Wagler. TAKEN
  41. One paperback copy of Controlling People by Patricia Evans. TAKEN
  42. One paperback copy of Happiness Is A Choice by Minirth & Meier (On depression). TAKEN
  43. One hardcover copy of Cruden’s Complete Concordance. TAKEN
  44. One hardcover copy of Hurt People Hurt People by Sandra Wilson. TAKEN
  45. One hardcover copy of Life’s Healing Choices by John Baker.
  46. One hardcover copy of Captured By Grace by David Jeremiah. TAKEN
  47. One hardcover copy of The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero. TAKEN
  48. One hardcover copy of Hinds Feet On High Places by Hannah Hurnard.
  49. One hardcover copy of Financial Peace Revisited by Dave Ramsey. TAKEN

The first people with a USA mailing address who respond will receive their choice of book(s) at no charge to them. To respond, just leave a comment on this post. Please understand that comments require approval unless you have previously commented with the same email and screen name. So while it may look like you are first, there may be someone ahead of you whose comment is pending. Be sure to use your actual email address when setting up to comment as I will be contacting you through it if I do not already have your address. Check your spam folder as email sometimes goes there. (For your privacy, do not put your email or address in the comment.)

Be sure to mention which book(s) you would like and you may refer to them by number instead of the title. There is no limit on how many you may request, though you may only have one copy of any title.

Mailing may be slower than normal this time around due to the upcoming holiday and will be dependent upon funds in my PayPal account.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers. The total cost for just the postage on our first and second 2017 giveaways, plus the cost of the Christianity Without The Cross giveaway, was $165.96. Postage for this giveaway was $43.12.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Our First Year Anniversary

Today marks the one year anniversary of the blog section of the spiritual abuse website. When it first started, I had no idea how it might go or if we’d have enough people writing for it to last. While there have only been a few posts for this month, overall we have had regular posts since our inception- a total of 464 (including this one) and 415 comments. A huge thank you goes out to all our authors and readers for making this possible.

There are so many aspects to spiritual abuse and while our experiences in unhealthy churches are similar, we also have differences. Likewise, while we all go through similar things during healing and recovery, we also experience some differences. This is one reason why various voices are needed when writing about the myriad of issues. In addition, while some may be drawn to my writing style, others will be drawn to ones who write in a different manner. We can all say the same thing, in our own way, and your words will resonate more with some and mine with others.

Some hesitate to write because they feel they are not good with words or they don’t consider themselves to be a writer. Please don’t let such thoughts hinder you from giving it a try. You could be the one who shares a thought or experience that may be just what another person needs that day. It isn’t about writing eloquently, using university level vocabulary, or being a grammar expert. It is about sharing what you have experienced, how you left and how you are healing, in order to educate and help others who have been involved in a spiritually abusive church.

I have been busy and have not written as many blog posts recently and to be truthful, I cannot do this all myself. We need many voices, from all types of unhealthy churches, in order to help the greater audience. We need articles that cover a wide spectrum of issues and could even use some brief thoughts of encouragement for the day or humorous types of posts. We don’t place any requirements on the number or frequency of blogs you would write. If you wish to do so every day or once a month, it is all good.

How did you become involved in the unhealthy church? When did you realize it was abusive? How long did it take you to leave and how did you proceed? Where are you in your recovery? What has helped or not helped you in healing? Do you experience triggers and is there anything you find that helps with them? If you were not able to read the Bible after leaving but are now able, what can you share that might be helpful to others? Did you have relationship issues while involved or after leaving? What issues have you struggled with or overcome and how did you do so? I could write for hours about all the possible issues that would be helpful to others – it is seemingly endless. You have a story to tell and words of wisdom to share if you have exited an unhealthy group.

Please consider registering to add your voice to ours by using the register link listed under the ‘meta’ section. You will be contacted by an automatic email and then by me. Be sure to choose a username (no spaces or length user names) that cannot be traced to you if you wish to blog anonymously. Blog posts should somehow pertain to spiritual abuse, your experiences, unhealthy church practices and their erroneous teachings.

This is a Christian based website. That doesn’t mean non-Christians cannot blog here. We just ask that you do not promote other religions, atheism or agnosticism.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Click to access the login or register cheese
YouTube
YouTube
Set Youtube Channel ID
x  Powerful Protection for WordPress, from Shield Security
This Site Is Protected By
ShieldPRO