Author: Lois | Page 12 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #16: Looking For A New Church Part 3

Triggers

Another aspect of of finding a new church after an experience in an unhealthy one is experiencing triggers. A trigger is when something happening now takes you back to another time, bringing with it an overreaction to what is happening presently. You could experience great fear, sadness, a panic attack or find yourself disassociating. Let look at an example.

You are visiting a new church and a certain song is sung, one that you were used to hearing at the unhealthy church. Maybe the pastor at one time chastised you in front of everyone after that song had been played. Hearing it now, even though that pastor is nowhere around, triggers that memory. Your hands may start to sweat and you may start to shake. You may become fearful and want to run out of the church. All this is happening because of the memory this song triggered.

Triggers can happen anywhere, not just in a church setting. Since we are talking about finding a new church, the emphasis in this blog is on it happening while at a church service. This can hinder a person from looking for a new church, especially when they find themselves triggered in numerous ways.

Captive Hearts, Captive Minds by Janja Lalich & Madeleine Landau Tobias

Educating yourself about triggers will help you to better cope with them. Be patient with yourself and understand you are not going crazy. While some will not experience them because their former experience was ‘mild,’ a great many people do. Triggers also happen to those who have experienced other types of traumatic events, such as being in combat or surviving a natural disaster.

Though triggers can be most unpleasant, you can learn to deal with them. Just understanding why they occur can be a huge help. Their frequency and intensity should decrease over time and for many people they will stop. In Captive Hearts, Captive Minds the authors speak of disarming triggers and gave the following example on page 113:

Monica R. was born into a cult that used flowers as a symbol for silence and death. A gift of flowers, even a greeting card with flowers, especially roses, represented a dire warning. After leaving the cult, Monica avoided anything depicting flowers. Her apartment even lacked green plants. As she began working through her beliefs in therapy, she remembered an old medicine woman who had befriended her in time of need who used plants, especially aloe leaves, for healing. A piece of the leaf could be torn off and the sap used to reduce the pain of minor burns and insect bites. Monica bought an aloe plant.

Next, she tried tomato plants. The meaning of flowers was changed as the tomato flowers led to tomatoes, her favorite vegetable. Not long after, she was able to bring nonflowering plants into her home and, finally, flowering ones. This change took place over a period of several months. Now, years later, Monica has a garden with roses, annuals, and perennials and she is able to enjoy their beauty without being constantly afraid.

A trigger could be a song, seeing how people worship, or it may be the tone in the pastor’s voice. If he sounds a little like your former pastor, you may have a difficult time hearing anything said. If he looks at you, raises his voice, sounds angry, or even does the ‘uh’ at the end of words like some ministers make themselves do, you could be reminded of an unpleasant experience from your former church. You could be triggered by the way they ask for money or how a song is repeated over and over. A passage that was used to create fear in people may be quoted and set off a trigger. There are any number of issues which can cause a trigger and it varies from person to person. Two people from the same unhealthy church may not have the same triggers.

If you experience these in your quest for a new church, examine what happened and see if it is a warning that this church is unhealthy or if it is nothing more than a trigger. If it is the latter, you should be safe in trying the church again. But if you are triggered too often or continuously over the same thing in various churches, it would probably be best for you to take a break. There is no sense in pushing yourself in this area if the triggers are that strong and frequent. Allow yourself some breathing room and slowly try again at some point in the future. In Traumatized by Religious Abuse, the author shares:

In the aftermath of religious abuse, most survivors experience a tremendous sense of confusion. Places, people, situations, events, even seemingly small aspects of religion- words, articles of clothing, books- that once represented safety and comfort suddenly trigger responses that are difficult to understand or integrate. Some survivors long so much for the things they once had that they put themselves directly in the path of triggers they aren’t ready to face. While we would never tell Veteran Dave to live next to a shooting range, survivors of religious abuse might feel compelled to seek out those very things that trigger traumatic responses for them. Whether out of a sense of obligation, obedience, mandates from other people or the institution, or just a desire to recapture the good things associated with faith practices in general, survivors of religious abuse sometimes jump out of the frying pan right into the fire and wonder why they still feel burned.

Some people need to attend a church that is quite opposite of the one they exited because of triggers. You do what you need to do for your health. It doesn’t matter what those from your former unhealthy church might say, or what ignorant people may say who are clueless about spiritual abuse.

Another area of difficulty can be your concentration. You may find your mind wandering off in a service and also when you try to read. This is also very normal. Should you find yourself not listening to what is being taught or unable to focus on reading something from the Bible (as well as other books), understand that this happens. At the same time, when it comes to the service, check yourself to see if it is an overall difficulty with concentrating or if the minister isn’t providing anything edifying and that is what is causing your inattention.

This is a link to an article about triggers that some may find helpful. There is much information available and I encourage you to educate yourself so you are better equipped to deal with them.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #15: Looking For A New Church Part 2

Leaving Your Comfort Zone

(See Part One) Let’s further address the matter of finding a new church after you have been involved in an unhealthy one. As I have shared, this can be a daunting task for many and the reasons are varied.

Today I would like to address getting out of your comfort zone. For those who came from places that emphasized outward standards, it can be difficult for some to visit a church that does not uphold these. People will be seen in casual clothing, maybe even shorts. Women may be seen with cut hair, make-up, pants and jewelry. Men may have facial hair and not be dressed in suits or white shirts. Their hair may be past the collar.

When one is used to seeing people dressed differently, it can be a shock to see otherwise. It can be so distracting that they cannot concentrate on the message or worship. They may find themselves judging people, especially those on the platform. They may catch themselves thinking, “How could the pastor dress casually? And the worship leader has on pants. Look at the women in the choir with all that make-up and jewelry!”

To those who have never experienced being in a performance based church, these thoughts can appear absurd and really off-the-wall. They do not understand how deep these teachings run, how fear-filled they are, and how in someone’s mind, the salvation of a person can rest or fall on adhering to them.

Even those who have started to see that these standard teachings are in error may have difficulty. Some had been ‘police’ in their former churches, persuaded by leadership, or themselves, to run and report to the pastor when people were seen breaking these rules. Once a person is past this mindset and has sorted through the teachings, they often are able to look back and laugh at how they were reacting, but at the time it is no laughing matter. Here are some thoughts that might help you when grappling with this.

The first is the absolute need to spend some time in the Bible and search out for yourself what, if anything, it actually teaches on these standards. Learn to read the passages in their proper context and check to be sure you are not using incorrect word meanings, as unhealthy churches often attribute false meanings to words. Consider what all, or the whole, of the Bible has to say on a subject. Once you see for yourself and are assured in your heart about what is truly taught, the fear and the difficulty seeing others dressed differently should fade and vanish.

Second, many of these unhealthy churches often point to the past. Keep to the ‘old paths’ they may shout, but the paths they speak of are from their history or view of things and not what is mentioned in the Bible. Others may proclaim that this is how it’s been done it for decades. As you have time, look into the actual history of your group and see how things really were years ago. You may be surprised to find people with jewelry and cut hair, for instance. Even ‘big names.’ But don’t get too caught up in the history aspect as it really doesn’t matter what some in your former organization, or even in your country, did years ago. Those things don’t have any relevance to how you should dress today.

Third, when you visit a church where people dress differently, remember why you are there. Are you there to police or judge others in attendance? Or are you there to hear something helpful and to be encouraged and edified? How others are dressing is none of your business- you don’t even know the people. They answer to God alone, just as you do.

While there might be some in attendance who may, in your view, be dressed inappropriately, remember that everyone has their own individual walk with God. Perhaps that person doesn’t have other clothing to wear. Perhaps God is helping them with something much more important than how they are dressing. And if they feel free to attend like that, it is a good thing. They obviously desire to be with other believers. They don’t need people passing judgment on them while they learn of God and grow in their relationship. If any changes are needed, the Holy Spirit is more than able to speak to them.

Some who leave such churches continue to keep all or some of the rules they were taught and that is perfectly fine and they are free to do so. They might yet believe in the teachings, it may be their personal preference, or they may have done things that way for so long, they simply do not wish to change. At the same time, others are also free to make changes as they see fit. While some might go overboard at first, they will find their balance. And what will be one person’s balance may be another person’s overboard. In whatever you do, be fully persuaded in their own mind and don’t go against your conscience.

Understand that it can be difficult to be in a church setting where people look different from what you are used to. That is normal. It will get better. If you will keep in mind the things I shared, it will make the transition much easier.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #14: Looking For A New Church Part 1

For those who have left an unhealthy church, it can a daunting task to find a new one as several factors may come into play. Let’s start with some brief things to consider:

Your salvation or standing with God is not based upon church attendance.
You never have to officially join a church & become a member.
You are free to change churches again, if a new one you started to settle into is no longer a good fit for you.
Running to a new church and joining without taking the time to check it out and find out what they believe, could take you from one frying pan into another.
You limit yourself in finding a healthy place to attend by not considering churches that differ from your former one.
You are not a church hopper by taking your time and trying various churches to feel out what would be best for you at this time.
Some people need to stay away from church for awhile in order to rest, heal and sort through teachings and issues.

In unhealthy churches, a person may be taught that when they leave a church/group, they are leaving God. They may have in their head that they must quickly become part of another church in order to have a ‘covering.’ They may feel they must find another church just like their former one, but one that is without the bad aspects, such as standards. They might believe that God is against them due to being taught one must remain where they were ‘born’ or ‘planted.’ These are just some of the issues that the former member may face. It often isn’t easy for them and people who have never experienced spiritual abuse will not be able to relate.

Your walk with God is never based upon church attendance, nor the name of the church you might attend. God relates with believers on a one on one basis. While he could also relate as a whole to a group of believers, one’s salvation or standing with God is not connected to such. A believer’s walk with God is 24/7 and not simply on Sunday or one day midweek or only when you are inside a church building. If you have a relationship with God, then leaving a church will not have any bearing on it, despite what abusive ministers may have claimed.

Some people may hesitate trying out a new church because they feel they must become a member. This is not true. One never has to officially join a church, though some of them may limit your involvement if you don’t. Should you do so and later decide to go to a different church, you are free to do that. Church attendance in a healthy church is different than what you may have experienced. They don’t act like you belong to them and they want you to be spiritually well. Should that mean going to another church, they will send you off with their blessings. You can have a positive experience without ever becoming an official member.

I have observed many things since starting to help people in the 1990s. Sometimes the person feels they must find another church to attend right away. These people can end up in yet another unhealthy church. One does nothing wrong when they take their time, looking into how a church is operated, how leadership relates to everyone and what is taught. You usually have to go several times and to different services and functions in order to get a good feel for what a church is like. Even then, some unhealthy churches are very good at hiding how they really are until after you have joined and immersed yourself into it.

Some need space after leaving and they desire to stay away from any church so that they can understand what happened to them and unravel some of the teachings. One’s foundation may have crumbled and everything may feel shaky. Yet others are so shell-shocked from their abusive church that they cannot fathom attempting to visit a new one, but given some time and space will do so in the future. Some will want nothing to do with churches ever again. Others go the route of a home church. A person needs to feel out what is right for them at this time. Their preference may later change and guess what- that is perfectly fine. During their healing time, people may need something different for awhile. Those who have exited unhealthy churches don’t need to be pressured or berated because they do not immediately start attending another church.

The last thing I want to touch on today is that one can limit themselves by ruling out entire groups of churches without ever trying one. People who have left certain types of churches may grapple with thoughts of other churches being dead, dull, boring and without God’s Spirit present. Besides the emotionalism you may be used to, learn to see God in the stillness, too. Isn’t that where Elijah found God on the mountain? Wrong information about a group may have been instilled in people by their former pastor. These things are often based on a faulty perception due to what was taught in the unhealthy church. God can move anywhere. He isn’t bound by a church name or group. Where two or three are gathered together in the name of Jesus, he IS there.

Some pastors teach that every other church in the area, including others with similar beliefs, are trash cans and to be avoided at all costs. Think about this… The unhealthy pastor wants to keep you coming to that church. You give money that lines his pockets. You probably labor there in some way, too, and don’t get paid. By claiming that there is nowhere else to go in the area, it keeps people confined to that church, or should they be brave enough to leave, they won’t go elsewhere because they still believe the fear laced lies.

What you may have been told about all other churches is not true. There are good, healthy churches outside of your former church or group. God won’t cut you off or leave you behind should you try attending them. (My former pastor said that if we were in a Trinitarian church when the rapture took place, we’d be left behind. What a lie!)

Finding another church is more complex than the few thoughts in this post, but hopefully I have been able to share something that will help. Other issues will be addressed in subsequent articles.

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When Legacy And Sexual Abuse Collide: John Shivers Part 2

(Some statements in this article are what have been alleged by others. The allegations all appear to be involving adults and not children. There have been no convictions or criminal arrests and to my knowledge, the alleged perpetrator has not admitted guilt.)

This is Part 39 of an ongoing series. Back in March, I posted about a situation in the Western District of the United Pentecostal Church, where it was alleged that one of their pastors had been accused of multiple instances of sexual misconduct. (See Part One.) A complaint had been filed with the Western District in January 2019 and they held an investigation under their judicial procedure and found the minister to be guilty of several serious allegations.

Due to what has been stated in their Manual for years, I believe it is abundantly clear that this minister should have had his license revoked immediately at the end of the investigation. Instead, John Shivers [Video has since been deleted.] was told to resign from the church and undergo more than a year of sexual predator therapy. Because his license was not immediately removed, it is alleged that this continued to be covered up and it was made to appear he was yet the pastor. In addition, as of the 2020 UPCI Directory, which was printed in January, as well as the UPCI online church locator in March 2020, John Shivers was still shown as an ordained minister, with his name listed as the pastor of Centro Vida Church, as well as other churches, though he was no longer mentioned as a District Presbyter, a position which he held for years.

It is my opinion that Shivers may have been treated differently because he married into a famous name within the organization- the Kenneth Haney family. It wouldn’t be the first time a minister was given preferential treatment because of their name or status in the organization. Besides being a pastor, Kenneth Haney served as a General Superintendent, among other things. His father, Clyde, started a UPCI Bible college in Stockton, California, which Kenneth took over after his father’s death. Kenneth and Joy Haney had five children and John Shivers married their daughter, Elizabeth ‘Liz’ Haney.

Besides the accusations against John Shivers, [Note: He has since removed this Facebook profile, but yet has this one.] there are allegations that Kenneth and Joy Haney covered up Shivers’ alleged sexual assault of a student at Christian Life College. It is alleged that Liz Haney was also aware of at least some of the accusations. This entire situation runs very deep in the UPCI and if it is true that the Haney family covered up the sexual abuse of a student, that is inexcusable and reprehensible. Joy Haney yet holds license in the UPCI. The current General Superintendent, David Bernard, would have been made aware of allegations against Shivers at least as far back as when the Western District complaint was filed by one of the victims. The position paper on abuse and sexual misconduct, adopted at the 2019 UPCI General Conference, was at least in part inspired by what has happened in this case.

Despite all this, Shiver’s still was seen speaking at the church on August 5 and guess what he is speaking on? Unforgiveness. (NOTE: Some time after we shared this, the video was made private.)

I will end this by sharing a post made by one of the alleged victims of John Shivers, that was made public by them on Facebook on Sunday, August 2, 2020. [August 8 note: This person has since removed or made private the post.] Please note that the victim mentioned who was allegedly “ignored by the elders of Centro Vida Church and by Bruce Howell” is a currently licensed United Pentecostal minister. It should also be noted that Tim Moran is married to one of the Haney’s daughters. Nathaniel Haney is Kenneth Haney’s son. Bruce Howell is the Global Missions Director of the UPCI. As you can see, this situation has tentacles running throughout the United Pentecostal Church.

PLEASE SHARE this post so that victims who have been silenced, shamed, and threatened, can come forward. Shame belongs to the perpetrator, the enablers, those that covered for the sexual predator. It never belongs to the victim.

“Making it possible to avoid the consequences…” [Lois’ Note: part of the definition of enabler.] How does a (former) minister of the United Pentecostal Church get away with sexual assault, sexual harassment, attempted rape, and 20+ years of being a sexual predator? They are enabled. Kenneth and Joy Haney knew of John Shivers sexual assault of a student at Christian Life College. (as did his wife Elizabeth Shivers, documented and verified) They did nothing. John Shivers was never disciplined. Their lack of action enabled him as a sexual predator for the next 20+ years. After one of his victims was repeatedly ignored by the elders of Centro Vida Church and by Bruce Howell, finally was heard by the Western District Board, John Shivers was investigated and unanimously found guilty. Part of the discipline enacted by the Western District Board was John Shivers was required to resign as pastor of Centro Vida Church. However, it was hidden from the saints at Centro Vida Church as Nathaniel Haney, and Tim Moran, lied to the Centro Vida church (from the pulpit, on video) about the reason John Shivers was no longer in the pulpit. Quote from Nathaniel Haney addressing the Centro Vida Church:

“your pastor never takes any time off, he burns the candle on both ends, but after a while you start getting empty if you don’t take some time to fill back up. . . so Pastor Shivers is filling up right now, so he can come back and feed his people, …we want Pastor Shivers to have that time alone with God… let’s pray that God will speak to him, God will give him new revelation and he will move deeper in the Spirit that he has ever been.”

Tim Moran lied (from the pulpit, on video) to the saints at Centro Vida about John Shivers no longer being the pastor. Instead of telling the truth he instead on a Sunday morning before Elizabeth Shivers took the pulpit (she refused to leave the church even though her husband was no longer pastor, furthering the cover-up of her husbands resignation as pastor) told the church:

“Sister Shivers will be speaking this morning….Her (Liz Shivers) and her husband (John Shivers) are the Pastors of Centro Vida and oversee Life Church. We are the Pastors of Life Church, but we are accountable to them, and they are the seniors pastors. So if you want to know how it’s organized, that’s how we’re organized. We all have to have accountability, we all have to have authorities in our lives.”

After repeatedly failing to adhere to the discipline set down by the Western District Board, John Shivers was stripped of his UPC ministerial license and permanently banned from the UPCI by the Western District Board.

Victims of John Shivers or any other UPC minister/pastor should know that you have as allies, David Bernard, and the Western District Board. They will take action on your behalf. You will not be ignored, you will not be shamed. Your voice will be heard.

Unfortunately, the voices of the women from Calvary Gospel Church have not been heard by David Bernard or the Wisconsin District Board.

Part Three

August 24, 2022 edit: Today the Stockton Record released an article about John Shivers. You must have a digital subscription to read it. See https://www.recordnet.com/story/news/2022/08/24/pastor-john-shivers-accused-sexual-assault-preaching-stockton-centro-vida-pentecostal-church/5695797001/

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

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An Introduction To Elephants

The following was written by former United Pentecostal Church minister Jon Eckenrod, and used with his permission. Jon held license for about twenty years and left the organization in 2007.

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I also want to say a word to my peers and leaders still in the ministry in the United Pentecostal Church, International. For all our efforts to “preach Jesus,” and point people to the cross, in practice we accomplished the opposite. Every time we shamed someone for not measuring up, we turned them from Jesus—not to Him. We turned them to their own lack of ability to overcome, and then to our leadership to help them become better Christians—a subject about which we were ill-equipped to offer counsel. Too many of our congregants just gave up trying and decided to either “look the part,” thereby becoming hypocrites, or leave church altogether. Of course, we attributed this to a “lack of will power” or discipline. In truth, we all know that none of us was able to live as “holy” and “pure” as we preached. Consequently, in practice, we produced an atmosphere conducive to secret sin and hypocrisy. And much to our dismay, our congregants catch on quickly. They follow the leader.

The answer for all of us lies in the grace of God, not in our efforts to become more spiritual. Pastors, it is my prayer for you and your congregations that you discover and experience the grace that I have found. What a relief to find rest, not in my ability to “pray through,” but in the arms of Jesus. – Jon Eckenrod

The proverbial elephant in the room is the issue that is plain to everyone, but about which no one wants to talk. Why don’t we like to talk about the elephants? By their nature elephants are big. To acknowledge them is to begin to deal with a problem that is uncomfortable. Usually the issue is difficult and has no easy solution. So, we ignore it, or at least we try. But, because of their size, elephants are hard to ignore. The longer we turn a blind eye to them, the more difficult they are to address. Some ‘elephants’ may start out relatively small, but over time, if not dealt with, they become enormous. And the cost of dealing with them increases with each passing day.

Dr. Joseph Umidi, one of my professors at Regent University School of Divinity, told our class that when a leader does not address elephants in the room, followers begin to “collect injustices.” In other words, they begin to take note of every mistake the leader makes. They collect them, and soon, all they can see are these injustices when they look at the leader. Dr. Umidi likened it to looking at your environment through a clear pen (one of those old-fashioned Bic pens). When the first injustice occurs, the pen appears, and it is in your line of sight (perhaps at arm’s length), but you can see everything around it clearly. As more injustices are collected, the pen moves closer to your eyes, so that it fills more of your field of vision. Soon, the pen is right next to your eyes, and you can only see everything else through the pen. This is very dangerous and very toxic. That is why it is so important for leaders to be willing to address the elephants in the room—no matter how unpleasant they are.

You don’t need a room full of people in order for elephants to appear. You can create them in your private life, which is what I did. When I saw problems and chose to ignore them, or had doubts and questions, and deferred addressing them until a later date—voila! Elephants were created. When I stopped being afraid of the truth, I began to see the elephants clearly.

Life is so very uncomfortable in a room full of elephants. In some respects, I feel like I know what an elephant stampede is like. It is overwhelming. You feel like there is nowhere to go, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. And in truth, there isn’t. And it is very painful to endure. The elephants come straight at you, demanding to be acknowledged and dealt with. And when the stampede is over—when you have looked each elephant squarely in the eye and addressed the problems that they posed—you wonder what just happened. You try to get your bearings again. I am still in the process of doing that, but now Jesus Christ is at the center of it all. And that makes all the difference.

The journey has not been easy. It has been painful at times, and my family members have been the ‘beneficiaries’ of much of that pain. But, by God’s grace, I was forced to address my elephants. I wouldn’t want it any other way (unless I could go back and stop the elephants from being created in the first place). Why was I afraid to acknowledge the truth? Why did I refuse to look objectively at the group with which I had been associated for so many years? For any one of us, the main reason is fear. Quite frankly, I was afraid that what I believed might be wrong. I was afraid of what that would mean. What would it cost me if I discovered that I was in error—that my organization was in error? What would that mean for my future, and for the future of my family? If I found that we had been wrong about our interpretation of scripture, could I stay in the organization? We were on a promising career track, and I had no desire to jeopardize that. And I certainly didn’t want to experience the ostracism that I had witnessed so many others who had left the organization experience. I didn’t want that for my family. There were too many questions with too many very troubling and painful answers. It was easier to remain ‘willfully ignorant’ than to do anything to rock the boat.

It is a sad commentary on any organization when a person must weigh whether to leave or not based on a fear of ostracism, rather than on truth and what is best for the individual or family. When this is the case, it indicates a major problem with the system. If it is fear that keeps us from looking objectively at our groups, we need to ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?” Would Jesus cause us to be afraid to leave and go somewhere else? Would he make us fear to ask difficult questions? When we did have questions, would he shame us for doubting? Would he make us feel like we were the ones with the problem just because we questioned him? Finally, if Jesus would not make us afraid to ask the tough questions, then we need to ask another question: just what kind of people are running our organizations? Are we afraid to answer that? What an awful thing fear is. Truly, “fear hath torment,” (1 John 4:18, KJV).

There were times when I would address some of these nagging doubts and questions, but it was always within the context of believing that what I was taught was true. So I had to figure out why my doubts were unfounded. Or I had to figure out a way to prove why another’s objections to my beliefs were invalid. I never addressed these things objectively. That is the way most ministers and congregants addressed these questions. We were right. We just had to figure out why others were wrong. This approach is wrong-headed, and it only serves to make our elephants grow.

My intent in writing this is to expose my own shortcomings—my own humanness, if you will. I want to demonstrate how I ignored signs that I was heading in the wrong direction. I suppressed feelings. I minimized and rationalized away warnings that should have made me stop and reconsider. We all have a propensity to ignore the obvious when it doesn’t fit the context within which we live. We turn a blind eye to information when it could cause our world to crumble down around us. This is really the basis of ‘group think.’ We slowly lose the ability to look at our own group objectively. To a degree, breeding elephants is a result of self-preservation. It helps us survive and even thrive within our groups.

I don’t want people to become critical about everything in life. Life is too short. But I also don’t want people to be afraid to think critically about those things that don’t add up. I want to encourage anyone in any circumstance to not ignore those gut feelings, those signs that cause inner-turmoil. We need to be free to think objectively about ourselves and the groups of which we are a part. It is OK to examine our belief systems, and those of our churches, our leaders, or our organizations.

In doing this, there is one thing that I cannot emphasize enough: we can not be afraid to allow objective observers to look at our lives and speak to us about what they see. It is difficult to do. We are prideful, and we know intuitively that they wouldn’t understand if we tried to explain everything about our groups. But we must make the effort to find someone who doesn’t have some ulterior motive of trying to get us to join their group, and who is good at just listening—someone who won’t judge us, but who will be brutally honest with us. Sadly, for many who are involved in groups like the one I was a part of, we don’t feel like we have someone on the outside that we can trust. We have been conditioned to believe that people on the outside have suspect motives or that they are deceived—so they can’t help. But, if at all possible, we all need to find someone who can look at us objectively, which disqualifies those within our groups. I guess what I am trying to say is, we need to ‘open our eyes!’ It is difficult for elephants to breed when our eyes are open and others are watching with us.

At this point, I must point out that I don’t have it all figured out. As a matter of fact, I still have a lot of questions about a lot of issues. But I am not ignoring them, and I’m not afraid to address them. Also, I do not in any way claim to be a scholar or an expert in theology. I just want to share what I do know, and what I have learned. I hope this helps you learn as well.