Author: Grace

Born into family of third generation Oneness Pentecostal parents, to a father who was a second generation UPC preacher, and a mother who'd been raised by UPC preacher father as well. My parents' goal was to raise me up to be "preacher's wife material", which they considered the "highest calling" for a female. I am currently in a graduate program for psychological counseling. I work in the mental health field, with children and families. My goal is to educate and enlighten parents to raise children who are self confident and happy, free from anxiety and depression, as well as other pathological outcomes from abusive upbringing.

The Forming of the Psyche: Patterns that keep us down

In my own personal therapeutic recovery, I have come to understand some important truths about why I am who I am, and what causes me to function in ways that I’d like to overcome.

For example, I’ve been trying to work through why I assume I know what people are feeling, just by judging from body language and facial expression. Why do I get up and leave at the first sign of conflict, or freeze when I’m unable to get away? Why is it that I experience anxiety so severely that it affects my physical health at times? Am I naive about the intentions of predatory people, or do I just freeze when I get those predatory signals? What causes me to stay in situations where I feel unsafe? How is it that I can feel so emotionally numb when I’m trying to spend time with those I love? What causes me to freeze into silence when I’m around my extended family or in a religious setting?

These questions, and others, recently led me into a very deeply informative session with my therapist. Assuming that I knew what a loved one was thinking and feeling brought me into a confused state, as I saw how wrong I was. My therapist, having worked with me for three years, knew much about my life growing up and my background of spiritual abuse. He pointed out to me how this ability and talent to read others was a very adaptive skill for when I was in the abusive environments. My physical and emotional safety depended, oftentimes, on being able to properly read these cues from parents and religious leaders. Later, this ability allowed me to keep my children from worse abuse from their father, and made me hyper-aware of his moods in order to try to maintain a safe environment. Though I often failed in that protective role, I was able to prevent things from being worse than they were, by that adaptive skill I learned in childhood. However, now I no longer need this adaptive coping mechanism in my daily life. New relationships are with healthy individuals who will plainly tell me if they feel angry at me, and be upfront, safe, and secure about it. The skill that I once needed for survival is no longer helpful, but in many ways has become a detriment in my relationships with healthy individuals.

In my many years of experiencing the power of male anger in a world where females were subservient or “submissive,” that anger was destructive. Avoiding it at all costs was important. Even female anger from an authority figure could be damaging. As a highly sensitive individual to start with, it wasn’t just the slaps and posterior beatings that I feared. It was the shame…the condemnation…the spiritualizing of human errors as sin. If I angered someone in an authority role it meant I was “sinful” in some way…”a nagging wife,” “not submissive,” “rebellious,” “lazy,” and other accusations could be thrown at me if I managed to anger someone in authority in any small way. This is the power of spiritual abuse–being able to apply spiritual context to things that are not, in fact, of a spiritual nature, in order to control others. So, after being born into such an environment, and spending over thirty years of my life entrenched in these situations, is it any wonder that my innate response to anger is to flee, or to freeze? Anger is traumatic in my inner world.

Anxiety has been my haunting nemesis throughout my recovery. It seems that I can never get away from it. Although I’ve made tremendous leaps of growth and have become highly functional in the facets of life that were formerly unknown to me, I daily battle anxiety. My best new coping skill is avoidance. If I can avoid the anxiety triggers, I’m able to maintain calm and functional life skills on a daily basis. However, it is unrealistic to be able to avoid all triggers and still live in the world. Learning to handle stressful situations in a professional and appropriate manner doesn’t mean that the inner anxiety is non-existent. In fact, the very fact of learning to stay in the situation and outwardly handle it appropriately instead of running away comes at a very high price. Nightmares haunt me after such events. Strange physical reactions occur that have no medical explanation–like the most recent, waking in the middle of the night with full body tremors that were uncontrollable and involuntary. Full blown panic attacks that left me gasping for air and grasping my chest in pain. The embarrassment and helplessness of such incidents is tremendous. I hate not having control of my body and my emotions. However, when trauma is in one’s past, these are not controllable issues. The body responds to the stressor with or without your permission.

I have been re-traumatized repeatedly by trusting unhealthy people in my life, from church situations to job related incidents, and on to friendships and personal relationships. In almost every one of these cases since leaving the spiritually abusive environment, I appeared to be naive in my trusting of these individuals and then experiencing their abusive advances. As I sat in my therapists office discussing why I am so “naive” and “gullible,” I didn’t get any concrete answers. It was only later, when reading a book for work, that the answer came to me and I knew the truth. It is not naivety that has landed me in these situations. It is the trauma in my past. Back in those times, I coped by freezing because I could not run away from the situations nor could I fight–for running away would be “backsliding” and fighting would be “rebellion,” both severe sins that would send me to hell. Freezing was my only option. Along with the freezing, I would use self talk to keep me from running–“Don’t be dramatic, everything is fine,” “don’t make a mountain out of a molehill,” “don’t be dirty minded, he’s not hitting on you,” etcetera. As a result, I was able to keep myself in situations that were truly unsafe, but it kept me from the condemnation that was so powerfully used in spiritually abusive environments. These learned responses to unsafe situations have followed me into my present functional life. It isn’t that I’m not able to recognize the un-safeness of a situation, but rather that I’ve been conditioned to stay and endure the situation. Learning to listen to that inner alarm bell and allow myself to flee in such situations is an ongoing work in progress.

I recently became aware that feeling emotionally numb is an aspect of post traumatic stress disorder. Although, to my knowledge, I’ve never been formally diagnosed with this disorder, I definitely could diagnose myself with it. The inability to be fully present with those we love is an important indicator of traumatic stress from the past. I have noticed this aspect in my life repeatedly. Although it affects my relationships with friends and extended family, the worst part is how it affects how I relate to my own children. I work very hard to overcome this and my children have a very close and warm relationship with me. Inside myself is where I feel the numbness. I have a child who is grown and gone from home. I’m continually amazed at how little I worry about this grown child compared to other mothers in similar situations. Days pass where I don’t even think about this, my own flesh and blood, my beloved firstborn. Suddenly, out of my dazed fog will come a frantic worry when I realize I haven’t spoken to him in a week, or when I start calling and get no response. In these moments, I “come awake” to realize how much I love my children and want to be present with them in the moment. Yet, far to many evenings the numbness drives me to fall asleep with only a few words exchanged between myself and my teens still living in my home. Sleep has become an escape for the numbness. This saddens me and drives me to continue seeking help to fully engage in the present.

Silence is a friend, a refuge of safety to where I run when I’m feeling unsafe. More than simply my introverted nature, I find myself retreating to silence when I’m with my extended family or in religious groups. The fully engaged student or career woman who has no trouble speaking up and sharing an opinion at work or in the university turns into a silent figure of stillness in these environments. Safety is the key difference. In the world of my extended family, I’m unacceptable. I’m “backslidden,” and anything I say can be used against me. I have to guard every word, every topic, every opinion. I’m not accepted for who I am. In the religious world I currently inhabit, it is possible that they would appreciate me for who I am, yet years of spiritual abuse have taught my heart, and trained my mind to find religious people judgmental and un-accepting. My primal brain urges have been so trained throughout the years that my thinking brain cannot compete with the anxiety that arises in such situations. I freeze. I’m again that little girl who couldn’t be accepted for who she was, and I’m again awash in the pain of that rejection. So I freeze. I’m silent, thinking my own thoughts, and waiting anxiously for the moment when I can flee the situation that gives me so much discomfort.

I am the way I am for a reason. I needed to guard myself from my environment when I was growing up in a spiritually abusive environment. Now that I am out, there is so much re-programming that needs to be done. I am not confident that I will ever have “normal” responses, but step by step I am working on allowing my brain to relax and learn new ways of dealing with stress.

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Denying Oneself

The concept of denying oneself to “take up the cross” and follow Jesus is a biblical principle. It is the application taught in harmful religious circles that can cause so much damage and misunderstanding.

In the group where I grew up, it could mean many things. Taking up your cross meant denying yourself of food for a day or even a week, several times a year. If you were properly spiritual, you’d fast one day per week to keep your flesh “under subjection” to God’s Spirit.

It meant to give up most of the pleasures of living in general. No music outside of Southern Gospel or Classical, no ball games, no skiing for women (unless they did it in a dress), no television or videos, no plays, no puppets, no playing ball (unless it was “just for fun” without keeping score), no alcohol of any kind, nothing sparkly or decorative on your clothing (lace was the exception). There was to be no jewelry of any kind worn, and no makeup at all, including clear lip gloss or nail polish.

Some taught against any hair decorations of any kind, others limited it to sparkly hair decor. There was to be no proms and no school band if it required playing at ball games. No theaters, no go carts for girls (skirts made it indecent), and no dating without a chaperone present. There was to be no kissing, no holding hands, or touching of any kind before marriage. No trimming of the hair, and in some circles no curling of the hair with hot rollers or curling irons. Skirts had to be very long and not have any kind of splits, and sleeves had to be below the elbows at all times.

Males had to have no hair on the forehead, touching the ears, or touching the collar of the shirt. No facial hair was allowed. In my church growing up, your hair style couldn’t be any bigger than a certain measurement.

In some churches, they taught on what kind of underwear was permissible. For example, no thong underwear for women. Men were taught not to wear sleeveless undershirts, but they must always wear an undershirt. Women were taught not to wear pajamas to bed because they were “men’s apparel”.

To some, open toed shoes were sinful, and it was wrong for a man to wear certain styles or colors of ties. Some games were “wrong” to play…for example, anything with a deck of cards was wrong in one environment including Uno, while the other environment found cards okay but any game that involved dice was a sin.

One church made men and women sit on separate sides of the church. Guess which side was child heavy?

In all of these, and many more examples of “denying oneself,” there are some interesting themes that played out repeatedly. They were in areas such as clothing, eating, and spending.

Those who had enough money to do so wore the most expensive clothing they could possibly find. If they had to deny themselves in other ways, they definitely did not avoid “costly array.” They would wear lizard skin shoes, and carry ostrich covered Bibles. They had exorbitantly priced suits and dresses with very extravagant design detail. Their hair might be long and uncut, but it was styled in the most outlandish way possible. Their heels (if permitted at all) were sky high, very expensive, and definitely ostentatious. Were they denying themselves by avoiding TV but dressing in this fashion?

Eating was another area. As much as you heard it preached about the body being “the temple of the Holy Ghost” in regards to not using alcohol or taking mental health medications, there sure was no shortage of eating. I saw more grossly obese people percentage wise, at United Pentecostal Church and apostolic conferences than anywhere. I watched very hard line conservative preachers eat multiple huge plates of food at every meal at these meetings. Some who could afford it bragged about eating at the highest end restaurants and how much the plates of food cost. In most pictures of fellowship, there were plates heaped with food in front of the church members. As a result, the appearance was often grotesquely sloppy and completely unattractive to anyone they were trying to convert. “Come look like us?” There was hardly a waiting list for that.

In the final area I want to address in this article, many conservatives were lavish spenders. I described above the spending on clothing and food, but there were also flashy vehicles and fine homes. It was most common to see a church sacrificially give in order to send their pastor on an extremely expensive vacation, or to buy him a luxury vehicle. In one instance, a church member buys the pastor a new Lamborghini every year.

Deny yourself? It doesn’t sound like it. Take up your cross? Not with those name brand suits.

The inconsistency is a major factor of concern and it is sad that, like the biblical Pharisees, these people try to swat at every gnat while “swallowing” a camel. They missed the big picture while snipping threads in the tapestry.

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Physical Stress Response and Preachers

Throughout my lifetime, there have been various times when I had to be in a court of law, either as a witness, a defendant, or a plaintiff in different situations. Obviously, in these cases, the judge is the final word (unless it is a criminal trial, which was not true in any of the cases I was involved in).

Due to his power over decisions that affect the lives of individuals in significant ways, it would be normal to have a level of fear or anxiety about making sure one was able to properly communicate the truth of one’s testimony to a judge.

However, thinking about this over the years, I’ve noted that my fear and anxiety in each of these cases was greatly enhanced and compounded by the presence of preachers in the courtroom. Interestingly, I found that their reactions to what was being said was the most frightening aspect of all.

My first few experiences of this type, I was still involved in the cult, and felt this fear was natural. After all, preachers are “God’s men” and whatever they think about you must be God’s opinion as well.

Down through the years, as events in and around my life have unfolded, I have come to realize that preachers are just human beings. If there were six preachers in the room at any given event, their opinions about what is going on would probably differ greatly and they would even contend with one another as to who was right or wrong.

Some time ago, I found myself in a similar legal situation, and it was interesting to note that, although I no longer believe that preachers are second only to God, I had the identical emotional reaction that I had in my youth, the first time I was in a court-like atmosphere with preachers present. Realizing that many others who had been taught about the infallible opinion of a preacher probably deal with similar emotions, I decided to delve into the science behind why this occurs.

First of all, one must understand the body’s physical stress response to a dangerous situation. The emotion involved is usually fear, and it activates the fight or flight response in the brain stem, or primitive area of the brain. When this area of the brain is activated, it temporarily shuts down the cognitive (thinking) area of the brain, which means the reactions of the individual become instinctive, and fueled by adrenaline. Adrenaline was designed to help the individual have extra strength to flee or to fight in times of danger. However, in situations where one can do neither (such as in a court room or in a church service), adrenaline floods the body and can cause various symptoms, such as sweating profusely, pounding heart beat, increased pulse rate, breathlessness, trembling, crying, instant headaches, or a host of other physical stress responses.

At the core of the area of the brain responsible for these stress responses, is an almond shaped part of the brain called the amygdala. This is where important memories are stored that are strongly linked with emotions. Without having to think about it, the individual will automatically react in certain ways to events that trigger these memories. Sometimes the memories are even so instinctive that the individual might be unaware of where the response is coming from.

So how does this relate to stress involving preachers?

When one has been raised in, or spent significant time in a cult, he or she has been inundated with powerful messages of fear involving ever crossing the will of the preacher. In a cult, a preacher or some type of leader will have all of the power, and the other members of the group learn to be in awe and fear of this leader. In the case of spiritual abuse, we were indoctrinated to believe that an angry preacher meant an angry God. When all was well between us and the preacher, all was well between us and God. The fear of displeasing this man was equal to the fear of hell and eternal damnation without God.

When a person comes out of this atmosphere, and begins to grow in their cognitive understanding of the fallacy of this teaching, it is helpful in one’s daily life to know that God’s relationship with the individual is personal and does not depend on the opinions of others. However, in times of stress and emotion, the cognitive area of the brain is shut off. So, even though one firmly believes that a preacher is just a human being, in those moments of stress, when disapproval will undoubtedly come in a fearful situation, that primitive physical stress response kicks in.

It does not mean that you are “back to square one’ in your recovery. It doesn’t mean anything at all, really, except that your primitive, early brain learned to respond in fear and stress to a negative response from a preacher. In these cases, I’ve learned to get through the stress response by using relaxation techniques, and just to know that my recovery is still on track, and that the response was nothing more than a primitive physical response of my body warning me of the danger of such individuals in my life.

In the true spiritual world, only God is my judge. The opinions of men…all men…and women…all women, are irrelevant. God alone will decide my case. He alone will hand out the decision of my final destination.

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A Real Look Inside a Victim of Spiritual Abuse

I am working on learning to be vulnerable and honest about what it is like to live with depression and anxiety. However, the world at large is not a safe place in which to be vulnerable. That is why I write under a pen name. I can be honest and open with the world and yet be protected. That is the beauty of this site, this ministry of healing, this safe place. No one can hurt me when I’m vulnerable here.

So, today I’m going to be real honest and open. I’m going to give my readers a chance to view the results of 35+ years of spiritual abuse, that eventually morphed into physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological, and even sexual abuse. I’m learning that no human can pass through the fire without being burned. Everything I have faced has left scars, wounds, and horrifically altered my being forever.

Sitting with a friend over a meal recently, she shared her agnostic beliefs with me and asked me specific questions about what I believe, after all I’ve been through at the hands of religion. I told her, remarkably, “I don’t know what I believe anymore. There were so many lies. So much deception. So much pain and betrayal. The only thing I know is that I believe there is a God, and I believe that Jesus is the son of God who came to earth to die for our sins. Beyond that, I do not know anymore what I believe.” In that moment, I felt so odd. I wondered “How did I get here?” I felt a bit like a “heathen,” given the many years of indoctrination I had, and the fervency of my dedication to the cult for many years. On the other hand, there was a feeling of peace and realization, that, in mainstream religious circles, I’d just stated the very essence of being a Christian. It made me realize that I hold onto what really matters and the rest is now fluid for me.

Research

I was at a training event for work last week, where the effects of fear on the brain were related by an expert. The results were astonishing. When a person lives in a constant state of fear for a period of time, the brain produces large amounts of cortisol to counteract the stress and provide balance. Early life stress disturbs the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis, and this can cause a person to be more likely to have psychiatric issues as an adult (Carpenter, Shattuck, Tyrka, Geracioti & Price, 2011). In some severe cases of abuse, the child’s development is interrupted and their brain develops permanent damage due to the abusive actions of adults in their lives. They develop severe mental illness that can cause them to become psychotic, or to become a psychopath or sociopath. This is interesting, in light of the phrase that I heard after my children were abused by their father. I was still in the cult, and the preacher involved did not like it that my children and I couldn’t just “snap out of it” after escaping the abuser. He once made a statement that “so you were abused. Get over it. Many people have been abused.” Obviously this was an uneducated and asinine comment.

There is a reason for the depression and anxiety seen in my own life and that of many other victims of spiritual abuse whom I’ve encountered. There is a scientific explanation. People who experienced greater amounts of childhood emotional abuse also have more increased depression symptoms, especially when they have ongoing life stressors. Therefore, studies have shown that emotional abuse is truly a risk factor in our reaction to stressful life events (Shapero, et. al., 2014). Spiritual abuse has not been studied as much as other forms of abuse, but it definitely has an emotionally abusive element. It has been discovered, however, that spiritual abuse has many different facets and layers of experience that affect the biological, psychological, and social, as well as the spiritual realm of a person (Ward, 2011).

For those of us raised in a cult, many of us suffered various types of abuse, both in childhood and as adults. It is no wonder, then, that we suffer from depressive symptoms, anxiety issues, and sometimes even more debilitating mental issues. In my personal experience, adjustment disorders have plagued me throughout my adult life, exhibiting with both depressive and anxious symptomology. Here, I want to describe what it is like to feel these symptoms in relation to the past spiritual abuse and emotional abuse combined:

Depression is a dark, weighted cloud that sits on my soul. It consistently tells me there is no hope, and it holds me in misery. I can’t shake the sadness, or the feeling that my life is over… wrecked… beyond repair. I’m able to pinpoint that these religious leaders and specific abusers from my past have ruined my life, but I also feel completely broken and inept at everything in life. I can be making straight A’s, functioning at a high level, as far as daily living, and still feel like I am a complete and utter failure.

I sometimes feel I’m doomed to this darkness drowning my soul forever. I often cannot feel anything outside of an emotional numbness that causes me to be unresponsive to what is going on around me. Sometimes it becomes a pervasive sadness that has me crying over everything that happens, even if it isn’t a negative event. At times, it keeps me from feeling happy or celebrating clear victories or positive events. The inner voice plays down the positivity.

Many times when the depressive feelings overwhelm me, I feel the urge to kill myself. The most common feeling is to have this strong impulse to stab myself in the chest–likely because my emotional heart is feeling so much pain it feels like I’m already being stabbed in the heart inside, but there is no one to witness the event or care. Shame messages from childhood and religious leaders haunt me. I’m flooded with messages such as “you wouldn’t be in this situation if” and “it is all your fault for leaving the church.”

Other thoughts that commonly flood my mind at those moments include “You are a hot mess,” “you are too sensitive,” “you need to pray through,” “things will never be better–you are scarred for life,” “who do you think you are to think you deserve better?” “you are just an emotional female,” “I wish I were a logical male,” “what if my problems are a punishment for not being good enough,” “I wish I could have more faith,” “I’m not a strong person. A truly strong person could live up to all of the rules to earn the blessings of God.” Many other thoughts flood my mind in those dark moments.

I usually feel physically heavy, especially in my chest. I often get a headache. I don’t have any energy to be productive during these moments, and often I just feel like sleeping to hide from the world. Sometimes I will eat large quantities of chocolate or other comfort food to try to alleviate the pain. When going about daily life, in that state, I often have impulses to pull out in front of a fast approaching semi truck, run my car into a telephone pole, jump off of a cliff, run away from everyone I know and live out of my car with my children, or some other equally harmful impulse. Instead, when I get to that point, I go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant so that I can function and cope with the stress.

However, I know many others who cut themselves to find release, or contract eating disorders that cause them to binge, purge, or both. Others who are afraid to get medication may self medicate with alcohol or illegal drugs. Some have difficulty holding down jobs or meeting daily living demands due to the crippling depression that they cannot shake. When we feel this kind of depressive symptoms, we feel horrible and it makes us snap and growl at those around us who love us. Sometimes it can drive them away, yet we truly need their unconditional love more than anything else in these moments.

Anxiety has often been described to me as the “flip side of the coin” in regards to depression. I have noted that this is often the case in my own life. My medication keeps the depression at bay for the most part, but the anxiety will often trigger depressive symptoms or vice versa. Anxiety is terribly painful as well. Sometimes there are panic attacks, where my chest hurts as if I’m having a heart attack. I will become short of breath, feeling like I could possibly pass out or die. I will often become dizzy and the anxiety level is so high that I’m terrified and cannot find a reason for the anxiety at times. Sometimes my legs will become shaky, or my hands will shake uncontrollably. All of these things are signs of a panic attack and are not anything I’m in control of, but are physical symptoms of the high levels of stress hormones produced in my body.

Common triggers to a panic attack occur in church services–comments made, guilt inducing messages, judgmental comments, anything that takes me back to my spiritually abusive past. These physical responses are my body’s way of telling me that I’m in danger again. Anxiety also makes me fearful, hyper vigilant, and pours energy into my body through adrenaline. I will have bursts of highly productive energy induced by stress, followed by extreme tiredness and inability to stay awake. Sometimes there is an impending feeling of doom that has no concrete basis in real life.

Thankfully, I am able to know that my body and my feelings are betraying me and I can differentiate between reality and the panic. However, many people cannot tell the difference and too much anxiety can lead people to become delusional. Because of the bursts of adrenaline and the body’s need to relax afterwards, people who suffer from anxiety can appear erratic or inconsistent in their productivity. Some people have lost jobs, or at least been marginalized by society for the inconsistent patterns of functioning that are observable in their lives. In my case, when I had the severe panic attacks over several days time, my doctor prescribed a few pills of a low dose anti-anxiety medication. However, I took only two and kept the rest for future reference, as anti-anxiety medications are commonly abused and can be addictive. I generally use relaxation techniques to reduce my anxiety levels. Yet some people experience such severe anxiety that they have to have an ongoing anti-anxiety medication.

I have learned some very helpful coping skills to deal with my depressive and anxious symptoms. I have been blessed to have several amazing therapists who have helped me learn to cope better with the stress. Many others do not have the luxury of truly helpful professionals to aid them in managing their symptoms, and they suffer from far more debilitating symptoms as a result.

The conclusion of my emotional/mental responses to my past abuse is that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do have scars that may never go away. I am prepared to take medication for the rest of my life, if that is what I have to do to function and have a happy life. I no longer feel shame about seeing a therapist, and I do so as much as needed…as long as my insurance covers it. My friendship field is smaller than some, due to mental health stigmas, but I have honest, loyal, and trustworthy friends who support me.

I have vowed to NEVER, EVER darken the door of another church in the abusive religious group I escaped, other than my own family member’s funerals–and even then, I’ve given myself permission to get up and leave when I feel threatened. I attend church only when I feel capable of handling any triggers, and I reserve the right to get up and leave if I feel stressed. I talk to God about my stress and my past, as well as my current beliefs, and I feel that He understands the resulting chaos of religious leaders who abuse…after all, Jesus was personally acquainted with the Pharisees, and angered by the way their actions affected the people. Occasionally I try something new that is legal but was “forbidden” by my church growing up. If I like it, I make it part of my life. If I dislike it, I choose not to do it in the future.

Overall, I focus on enjoying the freedom to say “no,” or to accept things without the ruling of any spiritual or familial leader telling me what to think or do. I feel angry and bitter at leaders who have hurt me in the past–yes I do–but I work on letting these things go and focusing on my own health and recovery from abuse as much as possible. At times there are new stressors or events that take me right back to the past I’m trying to avoid. In those times, I give myself a lot of patience and I refuse to feel guilty as I process my anger and fury for what happened. Then, as soon as I can, I try again to put the past behind me and keep living in the present.

This is my journey. Yours will be different.

Carpenter, L., Shattuck, T., Tyrka, A., Geracioti, T., & Price, L. (2011). Effect of childhood physical abuse on cortisol stress response. Psychopharmacology, 214 (1), 367-375.

Shapero, B. G., Black, S. K., Liu, R. T., Klugman, J., Bender, R. E., Abramson, L. Y., & Alloy, L. B. (2014). Stressful Life Events and Depression Symptoms: The Effect of Childhood Emotional Abuse on Stress Reactivity. Journal Of Clinical Psychology, 70 (3), 209-223.

Ward, D. J. (2011). The lived experience of spiritual abuse. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 14 (9), 899-915.

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The Sin of Truth Speaking

“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32, ESV).

The church I grew up in claims to be one of the few “with a revelation of the truth.” There were many comments continually about other churches “not having the truth,” and after I married, my husband and I taught our children that other groups “don’t have the whole truth.”

Never did I dream just how unwelcome the truth would be in such an environment. Speaking anything against a preacher was automatically wrong–no matter how truthful. Speaking a firm truth to a preacher was also damning. This was normal, as far as I knew…after all, I came in as a newborn baby and it was my father who was the preacher.

Then I grew up. Because preaching was such a lofty position–right up there next to God, if a preacher was “caught in sin” of a sexual nature, he would lose the right to be a preacher permanently. God would forgive, but he could no longer be used in that way.

This was a scary setup. Anyone who dared suggest any impropriety against a preacher was accused of “trying to ruin his ministry.” So, the culture bred silence. The few who did speak up were cast out of churches, accused of rebellion and lying, and treated as dangerous vipers. People became afraid to speak up.

Pastoral positions came with unquestioning authority, and corruption festered. People were taught to have a hero worship for pastors. It was not uncommon to see congregants kneeling before a pastor, shining his shoes. They pinched and scrimped to buy him lavish gifts–a crocodile Bible case or a $1,000 pair of shoes. I saw people share their food stamps and commodities with their pastor in an attempt to “tithe.” I saw them buy a sofa for one pastor’s Christmas, and present it in front of the congregation.

I dreaded Christmas when I was a little girl and my whole family were presented with gifts. We sat at the altar and opened them in front of everyone and I didn’t know why it made me feel so bad. I was just a kid trying to be a kid, but it’s hard to be “one of the kids” when you’re the only one getting a present you have to open in front of others who have none.

It was within this atmosphere that I began to notice that truth really wasn’t welcome.

The first case I remember was in Missouri somewhere. A preacher was arrested in a rest area for propositioning an undercover policeman. He claimed innocence. He said it was a set up. Then he said he didn’t realize what he said to the policeman was a proposition. It went to court with all of his preacher friends backing him and supporting his side of the story. He was found guilty. Still, he had the support of his preacher friends, who utterly defended his innocence, in spite of the court decision. Was he guilty? Who knows? The point is, he sure looked to be, and yet, even in the face of a court decision, he was not removed from preaching, and continued fully supported by his colleagues.

The truth was not welcome.

Another case occurred in New Mexico. It didn’t involve the courts. It involved a female in the church. This lady was historically upright and loyal, very dedicated to the church. The new pastor took advantage of that, making sexual advances to her. Confused and hurt, she contacted her former pastor for advice. He took the matter to the “board of elders” over the church–a group of three preachers chosen by the pastor to provide oversight and accountability. They performed an “investigation” where they listened to the pastor’s story but never interviewed the lady. They decided he’d been falsely accused. The former pastor was livid. He knew this lady, and she was not one to make things up. Again, truth was not welcome.

Then it happened to my friend.

She was a pastor’s wife. She’d been dealing with the domestic abuse for years. She shared with me that she’d gone to preachers, who’d “counseled,” but little changed. In some respects, it grew worse as time went on. It wasn’t just my friend who was suffering, several kids were involved. Finally, some frightening things took place and she shared how she had finally felt “release” to leave. The local women’s shelter carefully helped her plan for safe departure.

Once she and her children were safe with family in another state, she called to let him know. She said she told him if he’d see a professional counselor, then she’d talk to him again. He refused.

She saw a professional counselor for the first time herself, who, upon hearing the details, called the child abuse hotline to report what he’d done to the kids. An investigation was opened. She showed me the order of protection from the courts.

The response was an email, forwarded to a list of preachers by one of his “board of elders.” In it, the verse “bring not an accusation against an elder except by two or three witnesses” was used. It was a request to keep the matter “in the church” and let the “board of elders” decide innocence or guilt.

Domestic abuse doesn’t have witnesses. That’s how it thrives–fear and silence. I couldn’t believe this was going down again!

Needless to say, the matter went on to the courts. In the end, he lost custody of his children and ended up with limited supervised contact. But did this mean anything in regards to his “ministry?” No.

His board of elders refused to see the documentation, only looking at what he chose to show them, and believing him without wavering. Today he is still preaching within that group, bragging about the financial support he gets and the places he preaches. She deals with this frustration even now, years later. No one ever contacted her to hear her side.

Truth was not welcome.

When I left the cult myself, my dad asked me what I could possibly be seeking. “You already have all the truth.”

Really?

What I saw was a lot of propaganda and precious little appreciation for the truth that was tangibly right in front of their faces. Their belief in a mystical “truth” but their blindness to real truth turned me away.

No, thank you! I’ll go where speaking the truth is not referred to as “sin”.

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