Author: AJ Demers | Page 4 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Abuse: Not the Only Reason to Take a Church Sabbatical

It’s very easy to understand why someone would take a sabbatical, so to speak, from church attendance when there’s spiritual abuse. However, what about situations without abuse where you just feel the need to take some time off? Are you being wrong or selfish to do so?

First, let’s look at just a few situations that may arise where people may decide to take a break from church:

A family member’s illness or similar situation – This should go without saying, but many people still feel like they’re doing something wrong by tending to a loved one in need. As a very good clergy friend once told a family member handling nursery duty – her place was with her loved one and the church could adjust until things improved.
Job circumstances – It would be nice to think that everyone would have Sundays off, but I know from experience this is not something to count on unless you only work Mondays through Fridays. Since most of us do have to work, it is unreasonable to feel guilty because you sometimes need to work Sundays.
Sometimes, especially in a smaller congregation, people can get too burned out with volunteerism. I’ve seen this happen to others in a way that the burnout literally snuck up on them, especially where the laity sometimes have to assume a worship/liturgical leadership role in the absence of clergy. Taking some time off services or scaling back volunteering can provide you with the “recharge” you need.

Another situation that might occur is feeling as though your gifts and talents aren’t being put to full use in your present setting. It should never be assumed that just because someone is a member of Demographic Group X they are a perfect fit for Ministry Y. Taking some time off can be a good way to decide whether you want to continue on your present path or not.

Based on what I’ve heard from others who have switched congregations, here are a few things to consider:

Make sure you’ve visited any congregations under consideration several times before making a final choice, including special events, ordinary Sundays and low attendance times, like school break
Don’t commit to getting involved with ministries or joining right away – such decisions made in haste may not be good ones
Avoid getting caught up in emotion and jumping right in too fast just because the service inspires you in some way – a worship experience should appeal to more than your emotional side

Just a few thoughts for everyone to consider…

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Is Your Church a Safe Zone or a Red Flag?

A lot of people suffer from a bit of shortsightedness in regards to their local congregations when it comes to spiritual abuse survivors. I can’t speak for those in fundamentalist/evangelical/charismatic settings, but in my own experiences within liberal mainline Christianity, I think a lot of people simply aren’t aware of either spiritual abuse or its implications.

Remember, not everyone who has just exited a cult experience is going to advertise what happened to them. Many people dealing with the aftermath of an abusive church situation simply want to test the waters at another church without committing to anything.

Even in situations where someone has not been in an abusive church, inadvertently pressuring someone into something that does not suit their needs or interests can pose a problem. Here are some things to keep in mind that are helpful all around to keep your church a safe zone, adapted from one of my earlier publications:

Be welcoming, in an agenda-free way – A casual visitor checking out different churches should be just as welcome as a serious inquirer. Don’t befriend someone just in hopes of drawing them in, then dump them because they ultimately go elsewhere. This includes not doing such things on social media, too, such as one case that came to mind where someone did just that to a family member.
Don’t pressure them into getting involved with activities – Home groups, classes, or men’s/women’s groups don’t have universal appeal for all. Some toxic religious groups even use involvement as a pretext for bullying people who aren’t involved “enough”. Let newcomers know what’s available, but don’t make assumptions about what suits them or put on pressure, even jokingly.
Understand that some parts of the worship service might act as triggers – Formally welcoming new people by asking them to come forward, if practiced, should be optional. Also, if your congregation practices the laying on of hands, be aware that some groups use this practice in a manipulative way. Participation should always be optional, and explaining how your faith tradition uses this practice can help ease any concerns.
Always be open about your denomination’s history and beliefs – Most spiritually abusive groups teach that their group is the “one true church” and people in other groups can inadvertently give this impression about theirs. Keep in mind that no modern denomination existed in its present form in the New Testament era. When citing differences between your church and theirs, explain the differences without denouncing them.
Think about the “user-friendliness” of your service – While you may be able to navigate through your own service without difficulty, the same might not be true for newcomers. Make sure your bulletin is user-friendly and you have literature that explains the hows and whys of your service structure, including how communion is received, if applicable. Don’t pressure visitors into taking part in actions they are not comfortable with.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Forgiveness and boundaries revisited

A visitor to my blog once asked if forgiving someone for an offense means you must act as though it never happened, especially when the issue in question involves physical or emotional abuse. My answer to this was no, and here’s why.

‎I don’t believe that ‎Matthew 6:14-15 means one essentially has to roll over, play dead and let the offender have their way with them. However, it can hinder our personal walk with God and essentially result in the other person’s abuse or nastiness controlling your life.

In the comment regarding a post I’d made about forgiveness (scroll down to RandomlyLostandFound‘s comment to see the dialogue), I offered the following advice: “I had to finally reach a place where I bore no ill will towards the person in question, and actively prayed for God to restore whatever was broken in their life that was behind the behavior.”

I’m still finding this advice relevant, regardless of who the persistent offenders are. I can decide to no longer bear ill will towards them, and therefore make sure they have no ability to infringe on my personal happiness.

There are times when you may decide that certain people, for the sake of your physical, emotional or spiritual health simply cannot have a place in your life anymore. Yes, that is okay – by walking separate paths from each other, you are making the choice to live your life in a way that keeps their “drama” from impacting you.

I feel that we must still acknowledge the existence of people that do hurtful things and pray for their release from their the harm they cause. However, we must still look to what is ahead of us – anything less diminishes the abundant life Jesus promised.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

“Guess What Honey – You’re Going to Hell!”

Guess What Honey – You’re Going to Hell!

It would be nice to think that the sentence above was a line out of a book or movie – it wasn’t. These were actually words used on Facebook a few months ago by a Catholic who took offense at another person’s disagreement with a twisted version of what one priest thought constituted a “mortal sin.”

What may have added fuel to the fire is that a few of the people who disagreed were ex-Catholics turned Episcopalian. Rather than rationally discuss the issues, the OP chose to go the route of attacking and patronizing those who disagreed.

I had to restrain myself from joining in and telling the OP that, as non-Catholics, the people she was disagreeing with are not subject to the worship, doctrine, or discipline of the Catholic Church. However, with the sort of mentality that lead to her attacking people she didn’t know, I doubt my pointing that out would have made any impact.

Spiritually abusive and legalistic attitudes do cross denominational boundaries. I’ve encountered members of groups known for being rigid in their thinking who have been open-minded and members of mainline denominations with bigoted attitudes where it comes to doctrines.

My church’s baptismal covenant encourages us to “respect the dignity of every human being.” For me, I’ve found part of that to include not condemning people to hell over doctrinal disagreements or otherwise usurping God’s place.

I think it’s helpful for Christians as a whole to realize that every group has a different basis for their doctrines that is no doubt influenced by the circumstances occurring at a time when the group came into being. When extra-Scriptural traditions or interpretations are treated as a requirement for salvation for all, there is too much of a risk of losing focus on the Gospel.

Adding to the Gospel invariably leads to taking away the whole message.

Irrational Fear of Loved Ones “Left Behind”

In previous posts, I’ve mentioned a little about some of the toxic beliefs my stepdad’s deceased adoptive mother espoused. Seeing how the beliefs that she had impacted how she dealt with people has helped make me understand some of his antagonism towards that brand of religion.

His adoptive mother went from Methodist to Baptist, and her second husband had been raised United Pentecostal, but didn’t follow their beliefs or lifestyle. They both attended a Baptist congregation that was hardline in some respects, and this was the group that influenced my stepdad’s beliefs the most as a kid.

After her second husband eventually died, she started attending a Pentecostal congregation that was Trinitarian and standards-free, but still had the emphasis on a pre-millennial “rapture.” She had a major sense of fear that this event was going to happen at any moment and that my stepdad would be “left behind” because he wasn’t living a Christian life according to her standards.

Having only attended a service at her congregation once and heard a homily preached by her pastor at a funeral once, I don’t know if the church was actually teaching that much fear or if the fear was my stepdad’s mom’s take on things. I recall my stepdad’s mom having major fear issues that even her pastor remarked about when she was meeting with my stepdad and mom to plan her funeral.

One thing that is obvious, though, is that fear-based teachings don’t create effective disciples. If anything, they help create dysfunctional followers who are more absorbed in their particular group’s teachings than the Gospel.

We know that perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18), so fear-based teachings don’t have their origins in God, but rather human brokenness. Another thing to consider: not all Christians believe that the catching up of the Church happens prior to the Second Coming. This event, regardless of when you place its timing, shouldn’t be used as a prop to try to scare people into repentance with.

Remember, the words of 1 Thessalonians 4:14-18 are designed to comfort, not scare. Using these words to push an agenda of fear is something that we should all rightfully reject.