Author: Lois | Page 62 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Forgiveness

This issue of forgiveness is one that periodically has been difficult to discuss in our main support group. There are many who are pretty hurt and at the time they feel there is no way they can forgive.

Some have become upset when I have shared the importance of forgiveness. Some who have been hurt in a church feel the offender must come to them and admit their wrong or ask for forgiveness first before they should forgive them. I disagree. Your chances of getting an apology from spiritually abusive leadership is slim to none.

I believe that forgiveness as a Christian is not an option. Yes, that means no matter how hurt one was. Yes, that means even if the hurt was deliberate and with intent. Jesus taught that we must forgive and if we refuse to forgive, then our own sins will not be forgiven.

We could look at this subject from a few angles. Jesus did not die for just some people’s sins. He took upon Himself the sins of all humanity. He paid the full price for those sins. If we will allow Him into our lives, He washes us clean from any and all wrongdoing we did. How are we viewing His sacrifice when we refuse to forgive? Think about it. Are we saying that what Jesus did wasn’t enough? That somehow the price should be greater for some people? (Of course not us, mind you.)

With this in mind, who are we to tell anyone they will not be forgiven? We didn’t pay the price, Jesus did. We didn’t even pay the price for our own sins. If it were not for the grace of God, would we not have many sins for which we’d have to give account? Because of this, should believers withhold forgiveness from others?

Remember when Jesus told those who had caught the woman in adultery that whoever was without sin, that person could cast the first stone to have her killed, as the law allowed? There was only one there who could have started the stone throwing, and that was Jesus. We all have been in need of forgiveness. We have all been in need of mercy. Should we not then extend this to those who have wronged us?

If we refuse to forgive and desire to harbor this in our hearts, doesn’t that person yet have control or influence over us? Things like this do affect us, whether or not we realize it. Forgiveness actually does more for you than it does for the person being forgiven.

Forgiving doesn’t mean it didn’t or doesn’t hurt. Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to trust the person again or renew any relationship. Forgiving doesn’t mean being a doormat, allowing yourself to be used over and over. Forgiving doesn’t mean that the person has no possible consequences to face.

Forgiving does mean it releases that person from you and also releases you from that person.

It greatly angers me at times when I see what the religious system has done to people. That doesn’t mean I hate the people in it or that I do not forgive them. Many people yet inside do things because it is all they know to do, with some parroting behaviors of others. Some have no idea how much they hurt people. Others do not realize the error they teach.

I changed during my involvement in an unhealthy church. I became judgmental and I am sure there were times I hurt people. I needed forgiveness for those things. And so do the people yet involved.

Some might respond, “Some people say, ‘Forgive and forget.’ Only God is truly able to do that. Yet, even with forgiveness, the Bible demands restitution.”

I don’t believe we are told to forget. We are human and have memories. Jesus remembered how Peter had denied him three times. Paul remembered that Demas had forsaken him. Even if we tried hard to forget, something on occasion would trigger the memory.

As to restitution, the Bible speaks of it but I don’t see where it is for us to demand. Restitution may not always be possible. For instance, how exactly does an abusive minister give restitution for giving someone a warped view of God or for causing people to follow teachings that were man-made? What about those who are no longer alive? How does someone do this when they don’t yet realize they are wrapped up in an abusive church environment and have a wrong mindset?

Doesn’t the Bible say that with what judgment we give, we will be dealt with the same? Do you not need forgiveness? Have you ever hurt anyone? Could you have hurt someone and not realized it? Would you not want that person to forgive you?

I know what it is like to have your reputation smeared. While I was in the United Pentecostal Church I had a good rep. After I left, my former pastor and some others periodically did things to try and tarnish my reputation. I have to live with the lies as sometimes you just cannot break from the cloud someone has placed over your head. Some people will always believe what they hear and never look into the veracity of what a pastor proclaims.

I learned that you cannot go running around trying to clear your name all the time. Much as we don’t like it and it hurts us inside, doing so causes us to lose our proper focus. God knows. He will not be made to believe any lies.

It may be difficult and take awhile, but we should all move toward the goal of being able to forgive those who hurt us.

Below is a video clip with a song about forgiveness. Perhaps it will help someone to realize the importance of forgiveness.

Forgiveness from Kenneth V. Jones on Vimeo.

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Telling The Real From The False

There are different reactions when one leaves a Pentecostal type church. Some continue to practice what they learned in their church. Others run away from it. Many go somewhere in between.

Not everyone who leaves these type of churches will turn from all things Pentecostal. And some will simply develop a healthy and biblical view of them, which should be everyone’s goal.

When some people leave a Pentecostal church, they won’t even consider a non-Pentecostal one. They’ve had it drilled in them that all others are ‘dead’ or ‘boring’ and that is untrue. They may have become addicted to that emotional fix in a charged service. They may not yet have come to see how we simply cannot rely upon our emotions. (I have an article that addresses emotionalism called The Presence of God.)

Others leave and run as far in the other direction as they can. They find the so-called ‘dead’ and ‘boring’ services to be just what they need during their time of healing. They don’t want a minister to shout the message and don’t want all kinds of emotional displays in services. They don’t want anything that remotely reminds them of their former church. They want peace and quiet.

These are often steps taken by those who leave the UPC (United Pentecostal Church) and similar churches. Until one has had the chance to fully examine the various issues involved, it’s no wonder people react in either manner.

When I first left, I attended a church that broke from the UPC and was two hours away, if traffic allowed. After leaving there, I wouldn’t even consider the ‘dead’ and ‘boring’ churches. They were not in the ‘truth’, you know!

Many years later, I would now prefer a non-Pentecostal church. How I came to this place wasn’t due to my initial knee-jerk reaction. It has come after spending much time looking at the various issues, seeing what the Bible teaches and shows, and coming to what I believe is a biblical conclusion regarding some practices seen in Pentecostal churches today.

So we always need to allow people space in this and be patient as they make their own journey.

Some who leave are triggered by altar calls. In the New Testament church, I don’t see any examples of present day altar calls, but that doesn’t have to translate to meaning they can’t ever be used in a church service. They simply need to be healthy and whatever is done should be based upon the Bible.

Going to the altar in a healthy church isn’t about crying, pleading, begging, getting ‘zapped’, falling down or any such thing. I see it as basically one of three things:

It is an opportunity for a believer to have another pray with them.
It is an opportunity for a believer to pray privately to God.
It is an opportunity for a person to come before the church in a public confession of their newfound faith in God.

Here’s the thing about this- you never have to go to a church altar to pray. As believers, we can pray anywhere at anytime and with anyone. There isn’t some special power that goes with a church altar. God is just as close in your living room and isn’t any less powerful there.

In addition, in a healthy church, you won’t be told you must come up front to pray, nor will you be pushed to do so or made to feel guilty.

Going out of your way to avoid altar calls would be a knee-jerk reaction because of the triggers it causes. However, you may need to do this while you heal and work through your issues. That’s OK. I think you will find that over time you will become comfortable and not run from what would be an altar time in a healthy church.

And what about things like prophecy or tongues or healing?

Some people come to disbelieve anything related to their former church and this is often the result of having been in a toxic environment. These are all mentioned in the Bible, so they are real. The problem is we saw a distorted version of them and when we see these things mentioned, we may equate the distortion with them instead of realizing there is a true biblical aspect.

Here is something that should help should you find yourself in this position. Spend some time reading in the Gospels and Acts and see the supernatural events that are described. Pay attention to how and why things happened. Also notice the absence of examples for what we see in Pentecostalism today. (That’s one thing many of us never stopped to examine and that is if we could find any similar examples of behavior or actions in the Bible.)

In the Bible, people are miraculously healed. Lame people walked and blind people received their sight. A few were brought back from the dead. There were prophecies and even a little speaking in tongues. There were other miracles. See what I mean? These things can be genuine and shouldn’t be discounted because we received a distorted image of them. Get a healthy, biblical view and discard the distortion and see it for what it is.

Hopefully there’s something here that will help those struggling in this area.

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Standard Struggles After Leaving

Sometimes I receive an inquiry like this, “I don’t think it’s wrong for a woman to wear pants, but I can’t even bring myself to consider going out in public with them. Why??”

Please don’t push yourself in this direction. Part of having the freedom to wear what you feel is permissible, is to not wear it if you don’t want to. One doesn’t have to wear pants simply because they left a UPC (United Pentecostal Church) church. If you wish to continue wearing skirts and dresses, that is perfectly fine.

I cut my hair before anything else. That was less than a month after I’d officially left the church. I had been studying the Bible long enough before then to see their teaching of uncut hair was nowhere to be found. For some time I still pretty much wore the same clothing. I remember wearing sweat pants during a short time I was going to the gym and then eased into it from there. I wore culottes a lot before leaving the church as I was working at the church daycare and continued to use them afterward.

Here is a thought as to why you may be having more difficulty with pants.

With all the UPC standards, which is taught as being an abomination to God?

Is it hair?

Is it make-up?

Is it jewelry?

Is it sleeve or dress length?

No. It is pants on women as they use Deuteronomy 22:5 as a proof text.

This could be why you are encountering more difficulties with pants. While all the others are taught as wrong, this one links you to doing something which is an abomination to God (so they teach). There is more fear involved and you may not want them looking at you in this way.

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At times a person who leaves will develop an attitude concerning standards and feel they “don’t want to look anything like them anymore!”

I must give a word of caution as this isn’t about striving to not look like people from your former church.

One thing that is important when a person leaves an unhealthy church is that they don’t develop a reverse bad attitude. Some of us learned to judge those who didn’t dress as we’d been taught. We need to be cautious when leaving that we don’t turn and then judge anyone who still dresses that way. There is nothing wrong with someone only wearing skirts or dresses.

When changing our manner of dress or other standards, it should be because we see that the doctrine that was taught is not biblical and it should never be to ‘get back’ at anyone or to flaunt your freedom in their face. In other words, be careful to not replace one bad attitude with another.

One book on outward holiness standards that I have recommended for years is Linda Hopper’s False Holiness Standards. Linda Hopper was a former UPC member and her husband was a licensed by them. The Hoppers are now retired from ministry. The book covers topics such as pants on women, jewelry, make-up, and women’s hair. “This book is a thorough and exhaustive research project that was inspired from Linda’s desire to know the complete truth about what the Bible really says regarding Christian adornment, especially in connection with women’s dress.” You can try watching for a copy on Amazon.

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Don’t You Wear That Jewelry

I noticed a woman who appeared to be a sister in the Lord. Preparing to greet her, I stopped short upon catching sight of earrings dangling from her ears. Pierced ears identified her allegiance and revealed the influence that held sway in her life.

– Ruth Harvey in Reflecting The Glory

Many unhealthy churches teach that jewelry is wrong to wear. Some teach that its use brings about vanity and pride, calling attention to the wearer. Ruth Harvey gives it a twist. For those unaware, Ruth is a United Pentecostal Church minister, though she wasn’t licensed when she wrote this book. Perhaps she never looked into her organization’s history to see that some women, such as Ethel Goss, Nell Morgan and Olive Haney, did wear jewelry. Her teaching on the subject has branded them and many others as under the influence of the devil.

Ruth claims that “precious stones were initially created for the express purpose of reflecting God’s glory. When Lucifer was cast as profane from the mountain of God, jewels ceased to be a medium whereby God reflected His glory. After his expulsion from Heaven, satan used jewelry to effect his influence in the earth.” She shares no scripture to lend support to these claims.

Interestingly, Ruth neglects to disclose how God’s people are seen wearing or being given jewelry in the Bible. (This is a good example of why I stress the need to look into what the ‘whole’ or all of the Bible teaches on a matter.) For instance, when Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac, he gave Rebekah and her family jewelry made of gold and silver (Genesis 24). In the book of Exodus, the Israelites are given all manner of silver and gold jewelry and later at least some gave these as a free offering to God, to be used in the construction of the tabernacle and things related to it. There are other references to jewelry that show it was freely used.

Instead she shares about seeing a woman who was talking to herself, dressed in what she considered to be a “bizarre” manner. All her jewelry is mentioned. It is claimed the woman was demon possessed and the impression given is that the jewelry was tied to it. She proclaimed “her captivity was disclosed in the magnitude of jewelry that she wore.” The message is clear. One risks being possessed should they wear jewelry and the more you wear, the more “control of our lives” the devil will have.

What can we conclude? Though Ruth speaks against the use of any jewelry, she was unable to share even one passage stating God is against its use. Instead of not greeting the woman who was wearing earrings, she judged her as being influenced by the devil, and never tried talking to her to discover who she really was.

Ruth’s teaching is one of the more far-fetched I have seen in the attempts by some to persuade people to not wear jewelry. No matter how hard one searches, they will find no prohibition of jewelry in the Bible. No, not even 1 Peter 3:3 or 1 Timothy 2:9. And if it is wrong to use jewelry because it brings attention to the person, then wouldn’t wearing feathers, scarves and bows do the same (things Ruth herself has worn)?

Those who have had this prohibition ingrained in them can break free from the fear and erroneous teaching. I suggest using a concordance to look up everywhere that jewelry is mentioned in scripture. You will discover passages which show it being used and nothing stating God forbids it.

Some who discover the truth about the teaching may never wear any jewelry and that is perfectly fine. Others have had fun trying different pieces and learning their likes and dislikes.

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Better Safe Than Sorry? Let Galatians Help! Pt. 2

Please see Part One.

Note how Paul explains in Galatians that the law is no longer needed and why this is true.

In chapter three, Paul shares how God went straight to Abraham with the promise (and believers are children of Abraham through faith). He goes on to say the law was given to Moses, who then was the mediator between God and the people. He contrasts this with God going directly to Abraham concerning the promise. The law was to remain only until the Messiah came. It did not make void the promise to Abraham, nor did it conflict with it.

We cannot be made righteous by keeping the law and we cannot receive God’s promise by obeying the law. The only way to receive the promise is to believe in Jesus Christ.

Get this next part- verse 23 (NLT): “Until faith in Christ was shown to us as the way of becoming right with God, we were guarded by the law. We were kept in protective custody, so to speak, until we could put our faith in the coming Savior.”

So, if the law was only to act as a guardian until Jesus came, why would we now need any other set of laws to ‘protect’ us or act as a fence to keep us safe?

Paul expounds in the next few verses: “Let me put it another way. The law was our guardian and teacher to lead us until Christ came. So now, through faith in Christ, we are made right with God. But now that faith in Christ has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian. So you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus.”

See it? Through faith. Through faith. Through faith. It is all through faith.

Remember where the Bible says that God will write his laws in our hearts? This ties in. That is why there is no need of a written set of laws. No church needs to add laws to act as a fence. There is no need of a fence. Gods ways are now written directly upon our hearts.

Think about it. Written laws do not change the person. The law did not make the people right with God by obeying it. It didn’t change them inside. No list of rules is going to change us, either. But when God places His ways in our hearts, they become part of us. We are no longer just following a set of laws or rules. We do the things we do because God’s Spirit is living inside us and directing us. He has become a part of us, leading and guiding us.

So when we decide to revert to trusting in and following a list of rules to make us right before God, are we not actually rejecting what God has already done for us and given us? Are we not saying to His Spirit that His ways being written on our hearts is not enough? Are we not saying that we are better off taking charge ourselves and we will make sure we are right before Him through our works? Isn’t this why Paul feared in chapter four that his work with the Galatians could be in vain?

A performance oriented church will say it’s not about rules, but they do teach rules. And they teach fear, whether they realize it or not. I have probably said it hundreds of times that fear permeates the teachings. There is always something more, something else, some other way we come up short. And that will always happen when we are pulled into performance based living.

This thing about works- when God’s Spirit comes into our hearts, we will want to do the things of God. So when we read in the Bible where we are told to be water baptized, for example, we will want to be baptized. Not because it is a law; not because we think we’ll be lost if we don’t. We do it because it has been placed in our heart. It is God’s will. He writes those things in our hearts. We do works because we love the Lord. We show our faith through our works (actions). Yet we are not saved through those things and we do not keep ourselves in right standing with God by doing them.

On the cross Jesus said it was finished. Either it is finished or it is not. Either He paid the full price for our sins or we still owe something. Either we have His righteousness by faith or we try and earn it by our works (which cannot be done- thus the continual frustration!).

“So now, through faith in Christ, we are made right with God.”

I highly encourage everyone who has been in an unhealthy church to read and meditate upon the book of Galatians. It will help you to break free from the performance trap and the thinking that it is better to be safe than sorry. Aren’t you tired of all the striving and worrying and periodically feeling unsure of your salvation?

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