Author: AJ Demers | Page 2 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

The Impact of God Distortions

Many believe in a “God” who hates or condemns those they find objectionable or whose faith they disagree with. No matter whether the excuse is “It’s what the Bible says”, “It’s part of our tradition”, or “Pastor Whatsis believes that”, the problem is the same: The image of Christ’s self-emptying (kenosis) for our reconciliation is being distorted. Trying to “remake” God because the mercy given to us in the form of Jesus is too much to swallow is one of the biggest traps we often fall into.

They have tried to create a deity in their own image, a deity whom they want to hate those who differ from them or who gives them license to impose their twisted doctrine on others. The commandment against creating graven images doesn’t just refer to statuary or the other forms that “idols” from various religions take. At the heart of this commandment is not putting anything in God’s place, which is exactly what happens when people try to remake God in their image.

Such behavior on the part of professing Christians shows a lack of trust in the One who made them. In distorting God to suit their prejudices or legalism, they are demonstrating that lack of trust. Trying to dictate who is or isn’t worthy of salvation based on Scripture-twisting or otherwise attempting to fence God off from those seeking salvation aren’t behaviors of those who put all their faith in the One who made them.

Fear of The Other dominates those who think this way and their prejudice can have dangerous effects. There is often a fine line between disagreeing with someone’s actions and condemning the people themselves. If we’re to follow the Way of Christ, it must be a way of love.

God is far more powerful than these distortions and those who create them, as powerful as they may seem to us. When we move past these distortions, we can have a greater appreciation for our Redeemer. Peoples’ distortions of God may seem all-powerful, but we need to remember that God is greater still.

Holidays Got You Down? Don’t Let Them

This is a little different from the norm for here since it’s not about spiritual abuse per se. However, the holidays, in general, are tough for a lot of people. In my case, it was a combination of old, painful memories from childhood and more recent memories from needless blended family stress.

The blended family-related stress did, however, have a major impact simply because of its scope. Unnecessary stress over who bought what for whom, spending too much time preparing food for a crowd of varying size, and wondering which of the visiting kids is going to end up breaking something is something nobody needs. Yet, these types of things happen in too many homes during this time of year because we’ve let what we say we’re celebrating get out of focus.

We don’t know for certain what time of year Jesus was born – traditions and the changing religious landscape of Western Europe gave us the Dec. 25th date, not Scripture. However, for a celebration that’s supposed to honor his birth, we’ve allowed Christmas to become anything BUT Christ-honoring.

Some of the “delights” many of us have to cope with:

Annoying invited or non-invited guests more interested in an additional meal
Rude drivers and nowhere to park when you finally arrive
Snide comments directed at one’s choice of churches
Little chance to enjoy time off work because of too much time spent preparing
Radio stations and TV programming that offer little respite from holiday options

For the effort that many Christians put into “Keeping Christ in Christmas” and “Remember the Reason for the Season”, these are mere platitudes for a lot of people who see the holidays as something to endure. Maybe the ones we need to remind about the why of Christmas are ourselves.

One of my biggest takeaways as having formerly had a “difficult” relationship with the holiday season has been making a distinction between the popular trappings that are unfortunately a major stressor for many and the feast of the Nativity that has Jesus as its focus. Elements of both the secular and sacred overlap, of course, but when Jesus is first and foremost, it’s easier to choose the things that draw us closer to him.

Do our holiday celebrations draw us closer to God and to each other? Maybe that’s what we should ask the most this Christmas.

Do Congregations Make Things Too Sticky for Newcomers?

A meme shared on Facebook recently prompted some interesting commentary that I thought was worth blogging about. Please bear with me, as it requires a little bit of background, but I feel is an important point to make.

The meme pointed out a difference in the text between the New International Version (NIV) and the King James Version (KJV), indicating removed verses in the NIV that had not been removed in the KJV. Although the meme showed no evidence of scholarship to back up the claims, the intention was clear: the KJV was the “true” translation, the NIV allegedly had an agenda.

I found and shared an article from a reputable site that pointed out how the KJV also has removed verses, with proof to back things up. A couple of friends, other than the friend who shared the original meme, weighed in with some good points:

Jesus probably doesn’t care what translation we use (very true!)
The KJV-only debate probably serves as more of a hindrance than a help to seekers/new believers

I especially wanted to point out how true I think Point #2 was. People who start attending new congregations are coming from different backgrounds and different places spiritually – and not all of those are places of spiritual health or safety.

Obviously, many less-than-healthy congregations insist on the KJV alone. Even when squabbles about translations aren’t part of the equation, hair-splitting over things that aren’t fundamental to the Gospel message puts people off.

Maybe the important thing that churches need to consider most is: are we helping or holding people back on their Christian journey? Just some food for thought!

Social Media and Stupid Platitudes: Part 3

In my first post, I tacked the issue of people expressing stupid platitudes on social media and some suggested coping strategies. My second one dealt with that tired old myth of God supposedly not giving us more than we can handle. In this one, I want to address two bereavement-related ones, particularly one that’s been a thorn in my side.

“Heaven needed another angel/heaven gained another angel.”

I fully appreciate the fact that grief is personal, and that these notions might comfort some who like the idea of their deceased loved one watching over them. However, there’s something that just seems so WRONG about offering this up as an explanation when a young child dies unexpectedly for no discernible reason or when a parent with young children dies because of an act of violence that never should have happened. Death may indeed be a symptom of a fallen world, but I don’t think explaining a loss by essentially stating that God needed them dead is particularly helpful.

Another frustrating one that I’m sure we’ve all dealt with:

“He/she is in a better place”

Two BIG problems I’ve observed with this one:

1. If the bereaved is struggling with their faith or has no religious faith, this statement likely offers zero comfort. An atheist friend summed it up accurately when talking about people saying this when her mother died after a bout with cancer. Her response was “No, she’s not, she’s in the ground.”

No matter what one’s beliefs about what happens after death are, they are physically absent and there are times this absence is going to be particularly painful. Sometimes there’s a fine line between genuine encouragement and useless platitudes, and “better place” talk often becomes the latter. We should remember that even Jesus wept at a friend’s grave – the pain that people feel at death was known to our Savior.

2. Sometimes the deceased was abusive or otherwise had a troublesome relationship with those left behind, and this may impact how comforting people find these words. I’m NOT saying it’s okay to gloat about the prospect of somebody spending eternity in hell. However, elevating someone to the level of sainthood just because they’re gone doesn’t erase the emotional and psychological pain that many still cope with after an abuser or otherwise toxic person passes.

I’ve noticed the immediate aftermath of someone’s death is when people seem to be most likely to have selective memory. Sometimes, particularly if the deceased was a substance abuser or mentally ill, their loved ones may be trying to absolve themselves of feeling guilty for snubbing the deceased when they were still alive. Grief is always more complicated than we’re willing to acknowledge, and I think people need to understand that every person’s “tear soup” recipe has different ingredients.

Stupid platitudes maybe aren’t going to go away on social media anytime soon, but we can at least prepare ourselves by knowing how to keep certain things out of our feeds and by having a different perspective on how to take some of these notions.

Social Media and Stupid Platitudes: Part 2

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Social Media and Stupid Platitudes: Part 2

In my first post on this subject, I highlighted what some individual stupid platitudes were that I thought were troubling and some coping strategies when people come out with these statements. The first of these “monsters” I wanted to tackle was:

“God never gives you more than you can handle.”

I’ve seen this posted on Facebook multiple times, and am personally of the mind that this thinking has contributed to more than one personal faith crisis. The worst thing is that it’s based on a complete misinterpretation of something the Bible does say.

This faulty notion comes from 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.” (NRSV) What many modern translations translate as testing or temptation, is the Greek word peirasmos, which, according to Strong’s, also appears in the Lord’s Prayer when we ask God to lead us not into temptation/save us from the time of trial.

I’ve seen so many people express utter despair over a troubling medical diagnosis, an unexpected death or another crisis who were wrong told that God wouldn’t give them more than they can handle. If someone is told this often enough in the face of a crisis, could you really blame them for doubting God’s goodness?

A Biblical counselor who tackled this very issue in a recent blog post raised an interesting point about how God DOES give us more than we can handle sometimes. At the same time, we’re given the GRACE that we need.

The last thing someone going through a crisis needs is a theological debate on their social media feed, especially if the person making the “God won’t give you more than you can handle” claim isn’t very well-read in the Bible. However, I think we can serve as better encouragers to people in a time of need by letting them know that God will give them the grace that they need.

Here’s a prayer attributed to St. Francis de Sales I’ve found comforting:

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in His arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for you today
will take care of you then and every day.

He will either shield you from suffering
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

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